Should Parents Snoop on Their Kids?

Should Parents Snoop on Their Kids?

By: Mona R. Spiegel, Ph.D.

The Question

Our primary job as parents is to keep our children safe. Are we permitted to “snoop” on them in order to protect them from harm? Should we read their diaries, listen to their phone conversations, and check their email log?

The Court Case

Before you answer the question, be aware of your legal rights. The State Supreme Court of Washington, as described in the Seattle Times, unanimously reversed a 2000 robbery conviction in a case that was based in part on the testimony of a mother and what she heard in a telephone conversation between her daughter and her daughter’s friend.

The mother, Carmen Dixon, reportedly heard the friend discuss the robbery and even took notes of the conversation as she listened to it. By reversing the conviction, the Supreme Court is saying that it’s a crime to eavesdrop on anybody’s private conversation, including that of children. Although the attorneys cited provisions in the federal wiretap law that allow parents to listen to their children’s conversations, in Washington State there is “no such parental exception and no Washington court has ever implied such an exception,” according to the court opinion.

Will we get into trouble for performing our parental duty? Are there limits to our parental prerogative?

The Debate

My son, Tommy, doesn’t talk to me. If I ask him about school he says “It’s fine,” even though I don’t see him doing any work and his teachers report that he’s not handing in his assignments. He’s very irritable and is constantly fighting with his siblings. Lately, he spends almost all of his time in his room, listening to music or on the phone. He doesn’t respond if I ask him about his friends, where they’re going, or when they’ll be back. I’m happy that he still comes home at night.

Parents are in agony when left in the dark about a child’s activities. Who knows what he is doing! Is he involved with the “wrong” type of peer group? Is he hurting himself by engaging in behavior that is dangerous, either physically or emotionally, or illegal? What is a parent to do?

On the one hand, maybe we should just control our anxious thoughts and feelings. After all, we parents recognize our teenagers’ desire for privacy. They need time to be alone, space for their possessions, and the knowledge that we won’t pry into their lives. We want to have a relationship of trust and respect with them. We also want them to become increasingly independent so that they may be prepared for adulthood. If we control their lives too much we might impair their decision-making ability and hinder them from attaining the self-confidence to make the important decisions that lie ahead.

On the other hand, are we being naïve and foolish if we don’t snoop on our children?

To determine what to do, let’s examine what we mean by snooping. To snoop, according to the dictionary, is “to pry into other people’s business or affairs, especially in a furtive way.” Thus you are snooping when you monitor your children’s activities without their knowledge or expectations. That secretive activity implies that you don’t trust your child.

When There is Trouble

Are you indeed worried about your child? Do you have just cause for concern or are you overreacting to behavior that is normal for your child’s age?

My daughter, Mimi, likes to talk. She’s on the phone for hours every night. She’s even willing to pay for her own phone line. She won’t let me hear a word of her conversation. She goes to sleep way after I do. She runs to shop with her friends and hardly spends any time with the family. She’s very talkative around her peers and is nice to her siblings, but she barely talks to me. Although her teachers report that she participates in class, she’s quiet and withdrawn at the dinner table.

It is often difficult to discern whether the behaviors that we see are problematic. What are the possible causes for concern? They include any change in a child’s behavior, school grades, hygiene, friends or sleeping and eating habits. We’re not talking about Mimi’s self-centeredness or her late hours. These behaviors are typical of teenagers. But Tommy’s late hours combined with his recent irritability, withdrawal and poor performance may indeed be a red flag for trouble.

If you suspect that something serious may be happening then, most experts agree, it’s ok to snoop. Search Tommy’s room for any clue that indicates that he is leading a secret life. You are doing so out of fear for his safety, not because you are a nosy, controlling parent.

If upon investigation you do find something inappropriate, it’s time to consult with a professional as to the best course of action. You will also need to confront Tommy directly about it. But plan your conversation carefully. Make sure that you control your emotions and convey your worry, not your anger. Have an agenda in mind of what you want to say. State (1) why you were concerned; (2) what you found; and (3) what you will do about it.

Above all, show that you care about Tommy and that you want to protect him. Emphasize that his freedom from intrusion is a privilege, not a right. As long as everything seems okay – which you will ascertain by continued monitoring of his behavior – then you will not need to investigate further. On the other hand, if you feel concerned, you will do whatever is necessary to find out what is going on.

Recommendations

The best strategy is to be proactive. Get to know your children’s interests and friends, as well as their friends’ parents. Convey your interest by being available to your children; for example, by driving them places and sitting down to dinner with them. Learn to listen nonjudgmentally, and try to listen more than you speak. In this way, you communicate that you value their opinions and can accept a point of view that is different from your own.

Discuss with your child what is private and what is not. Go over your rules and expectations. In addition, clearly state that you will occasionally drop in on their cell phone log and be in touch with their teachers.

Many parents keep the children’s computer in a common room, not a child’s bedroom. This strategy facilitates hands-on supervision of their computer usage. These days it is fairly easy to check out how they use the computer, and don’t hesitate to do so. You might also want to prohibit chat rooms and IMing (Instant Messaging), and to generally limit the amount of online usage.

Go into your teenager’s room periodically – being careful not to trip over anything on the floor – and look around. You may see something that is left around by accident. Then don’t get into a battle about cleanliness. We’re discussing far more important values than a spotless room.

However, there is a very important caveat: Remember not to over-control and over-manage your child. You want all of your children to be able to manage their own lives, and the pre-adolescent and adolescent years are the training ground for doing so.

Instead, keep the lines of communication open. Sometimes they will close down (teenagers are notoriously moody and private) but you will be there to observe, question and intervene.

Finally, seek professional help if you notice an unhealthy pattern of teenage behavior and you feel helpless or uncertain what to do. Taking action now could prevent much more serious problems later.

By: Mona R. Spiegel, Ph.D.
“My Family Coach”

Dr. Mona Spiegel is a Licensed Psychologist with a private practice in Rockland County, NY.   She is also a Professional Coach who provides telephone sessions to women who do not need therapy but seek guidance concerning themselves or their families.  She focuses on parenting issues, relationship/communication skills, and life transitions. You can reach her at 845-425-4842 or www.myfamilycoach.com.

Getting Through the Tough Times

So, you’ve spent an enjoyable afternoon on a pleasant trip with your son or daughter who is going through a challenging period. (See www.raisingsmallsouls.com/tough-times for more information about creating a pleasant outing during a stressful time.)

What else can you do now to strengthen the parent/child bond and help him/her overcome the present problems?

Each child is a unique universe unto him/herself, and every situation must be considered on an individual basis. With that in mind, view the following suggestions as you would look at a spread of food in a cafeteria: take what appeals to you and leave the rest behind for consideration at another time.

Here’s some food for thought for you to bring up with your child:

“How about if you write a composition entitled ‘What Bothers Me’?”

“Do any of your friends share this kind of problem?”

“Suppose someone in your situation asked you for advice, how would you advise them?”

“How can I communicate with you better?”

“Could you figure out how this problem arose?”

“If you had a magic wand, what would you do now?”

Just remember that it might be difficult to develop this kind of confidence building at this stage. It should have been started long ago, by doing some of the above. If a parent had always been very strict with a child and suddenly wants that child to feel as an equal, it will be almost impossible.

Communications should be developed early on, by having the child participate in wise decision making, guiding him in the right direction and pointing out the possible problems if his questionable decision were to be followed. A feeling of friendship, but not being a pal, is very basic. This rule could and should be applied to any successful teacher-student relationship.

Advice for the Tough Times

Lately I’ve been getting more requests for advice geared towards teenagers.

This article is most applicable to teens, yet can be tailored to any age child.

What do you do when really tough challenges arise with your child? What if your son is hanging out with a shady group of friends or your daughter is regularly skipping school?

Very likely, you will become engrossed in fixing the problem at hand and seeking solutions to straighten out your child. Oftentimes, during these stressful periods, parents become so focused on the current issues that- paradoxically- they neglect their actual relationship with their son or daughter.

It is precisely during the tough times that your bond with your child needs to be cultivated with additional nourishment.

So, while you are dealing with the inevitable pains that are bundled with the joys of raising children, remember to take the time for the two of you to nurture your personal relationship.

Take your son to a sports game, without any of his siblings. Go on a shopping trip with your daughter, without trying to do your errands simultaneously. During these outings, do not mention the tough stuff at all. Concentrate on having a good time in each others company without referring to any problems.

Relax, and enjoy yourselves. Do something unusual, spontaneous, or plain funny. Humor can alleviate stress better than anything else in the world.

Obviously, you will be spending time addressing the difficulties in the current situation, oftentimes with the aid of a professional- just don’t do it while you are on one of your trips together! Additionally, please make sure that your child has a responsible adult with whom he/she can confide; a friend’s parent, a guidance counselor, relative, etc.

Have a wonderful time- and remember to laugh! There’s a silver cloud lining behind every cloud- even this one!

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