How To Handle Sibling Rivarly Without Losing Your Mind!

When Becky had her first child, Ryan, she could not believe how much she loved him and how much she loved being a Mom. Her husband and her had no qualms about having another child. It seemed the natural thing to do. Wouldn’t Ryan love to have another child to play with and love? Ten years later she is not so sure. It seems that all Ryan and his brother do is fight. They squabble over everything, from who gets to play on the computer, whose turn it is to press the elevator button at the mall and who gets more juice in their cup.

Becky feels that it only lets up when they are asleep. It is driving her and her husband crazy. All those visions of a peaceful and happy home have gone down the tubes.

As a parent of 4 children, I can relate. My children were actually arguing the other day over whether the limousine that we saw at the gas station was black or white. It seemed like a bad comedy skit.

It might not help you in the heat of the moment but parents need to know that the fighting between siblings is normal and even can be healthy. This is hard pill to swallow. Even though we might have fought with our own siblings growing up, we still cling to our idealized visions of what family life should be like. The reality is that our fantasies of having a “happy, peaceful” home are just that, fantasies. Family life is fraught with conflict. It is tough to get along with the people we live with. I once heard a saying, “ Blood is thicker than water. Maybe that’s why we battle our own with more energy and gusto than we would ever expend on strangers.”

When siblings fight they are reacting to the overwhelming negative emotions that they have toward their siblings. They have to learn to manage their envious feelings, which is not an easy task. Most children feel jealous the minute their parents bring a new baby home from the hospital. Siblings also feel resentment if one sibling receives a gift and the other does not. They get angry if their parents tend to take one sibling’s side over another’s when there is conflict or if parents spend more time with their siblings. Children also have difficulties if one sibling gets more attention than another due to a talent or skill. Kids will also fight if they are bored, hungry, or tired or just because they have spent way too much time together.

Do not despair; there is a positive side to children’s fighting. All that bickering that drives us nuts actually helps children resolve disputes, learn to cooperate and pushes them to come up with compromises. Experts have also found that the battles that go on daily do not keep them from being close when they are grown.

So what are we supposed to do as parents? Do we just close our eyes and ears to the fighting and hope for it to go away? The answer is yes and no.

If it is just regular bickering then we can try to ignore it. We can busy ourselves in the kitchen making dinner or quickly hide ourselves away in the bathroom. For the rest, we can intervene but we don’t want to interfere in a judgmental way. This just makes things worse. It is best if you just reflect their feelings in a respectful and neutral manner and guide them back to each other so they can resolve their own problems.

The following examples show you how this can work. Here are some ways that you can respond without judgment in a way that shows respect for both children and helps them focus on solutions.

1.“I didn’t do anything”

Instead of Judging: “If you didn’t do anything then why is he crying? You need to stop bothering him!”
Do say: “You are not sure what happened to get him upset…” “You feel like you weren’t doing anything out of the ordinary. What can you guys do to fix this problem?”

2. “He started it!”

Instead of Judging: “Well if you started it, you need to go to your room!”
Do Say: “You feel like he started it and you feel like he started it. That sometimes happens when people disagree. Are you guys ready to think of some solutions or are you still too mad? “

3. “She is making a big deal out of nothing!”

Instead of Judging: “ You are right, you are both making a big deal out of nothing!”
Do Say: “ You feel like this is a fight I should not get involved in. It seems to me that Sara wants me to get involved; she does not feel like it is nothing. She feels like this fight is getting out of hand but you think this is something you can deal with just between the two of you. This is tough, let’s see if you can figure this out. I will be right here if you need me.”

4. “She is so sensitive, she cries about everything!”

Instead of Judging: “You need to stop making her cry. You need to be nicer!”
Do Say: “ You feel that she should toughen up more. It seems to you that she gets upset by little things. If you are ready to listen I can tell you about sensitive people and people who have thick skins. It is important to learn how to handle both types of people.”

5. “Everything I do is wrong!”

Instead of Judging: “If you would listen to me and be nice you wouldn’t have that problem!”
Do Say: “That can hurt to feel that way- you want to know how you can get along better with the family. Let’s think of ways that we can do that.”

6. “She always gets to go first!”

Instead of Judging: “Okay, you will get to go first, next time.”
Do Say: “It seems to you that she gets to go before you. You would like to go first sometimes to. You can say to Caitlin, next time I want a turn to go first.”

We are all aware of the challenges parents have in raising more than one child. Reflecting our children’s feelings and guiding them to resolve their own conflicts is a great skill to use to help us cope. It transforms potentially harmful and destructive interactions into positive relationship building moments. Most importantly you are modeling to your children (without lecturing) how to focus on other people’s feelings. This is a powerful skill, one that they can use successfully with all the people they encounter throughout their lives.

For more great tips on managing sibling rivalry join our workshops at www.parentingsimply.com

Conflict Resolution

Dear RaisingSmallSouls,

I’m a stay-at-home mom of two rambunctious boys, aged 5 and 3. lately, I feel like all they do is fight, fight, fight! (“I want the blue car” – “Me, me” – you get the picture!) How can I make it stop?

Thanks, A Frazzled Mom

Dear Frazzled Mom,

You may find comfort in the knowledge that fighting between siblings ranks very high in most people’s parental pet peeves. It’s loud, it’s intense, and sometimes it seems it will never go away. Before we tackle the question of to do about kids’ fighting, it’s important to step back and consider the large picture of what it is we’d like to accomplish when we intervene. You may be groaning and rolling your eyes. “I just want it stopped!” But let’s take a closer look at some vital lessons we can impart to our children along the way.

You have identified conflicts between young children: “You stole my stickers!” “Stop looking at me!” and the like. These conflicts will evolve into more complex conflicts throughout every age of childhood and the teenage years. In its various forms, conflict is inevitable. So the bad news is, your children probably won’t grow out of this anytime soon

But don’t despair. Before we resign ourselves to constant bickering, let’s take a look at the necessity of these conflicts and the opportunities they offer us as parents.

The possibility of conflict between two parties is present and unavoidable in every form of human interaction. People have needs, and these needs may conflict with those of another person. We know all about conflicts between siblings, but it isn’t difficult to identify conflict at every level: between neighbors (“He keeps blocking my driveway!”), in the workplace (“I put in all this work and she takes the credit!”), and even on global levels (“They stole our land!”).

Now let’s revisit the issue of fighting between siblings. When we widen our lens to take in the larger picture, the bickering takes on a new importance – a new potential. Fighting between siblings becomes a unique opportunity for children to learn conflict resolution skills in a supportive atmosphere. We offer them a virtual social laboratory, enabling them to learn these skills at their own pace, with plenty of opportunities to practice! Here, they learn to navigate the complex maze of human relationships. Here is a safe environment where they can utilize their unique endowment of strengths to build rewarding relationships while ensuring each party’s satisfaction. We can guide them in learning to get their needs met without impinging on someone else’s and how to be assertive and proactive without resorting to aggression or submission.

So next time the inevitable, “He kicked me!” is heard in your home, view it as a unique teaching opportunity. And have no fear: if you botched it the first time, rest assured you’ll have many additional opportunities at your disposal!

Firstly, whenever possible, ignore bickering. The guiding principle here, and among many other areas of parenting, is to foster responsibility among your children. Try to let the kids resolve these mini-conflicts; intervening should be done minimally and as a last resort so as not leave the children feeling as if they can’t handle it alone.

Sometimes you’ll hear the arguing beginning to escalate, and your intervention may be helpful. Not to judge or serve as a referee, but rather to help dispel the tension and allow the children to actually hear each others’ needs. Think of your role as that of a translator: your job is to translate each child’s screaming, name-calling, and even physical aggression, into a language the other child can hear and accept, while preserving the intensity and feeling and the needs communicated by the first child.

When you hear: “You’re such a disgusting slob! I can’t stand living with you! I spend hours cleaning up and you’ve wrecked it gain- now I have nowhere to hang out with my friends!”

You as translator can interject: “Whoa! You’re really mad. You’ve worked so hard and it’s frustrating to see all that work go to waste. And it’ll be embarrassing for to bring friends here…” This allows the children to deal with actual feelings and needs, without getting stuck in blaming and name-calling.

Finally, if fighting gets to a point where parental intervention is inescapable, try to use it as an opportunity to impart a bite-sized lesson of the values in your home (while physically restraining, if necessary.) “Stop! I see two children about to really hurt each other! You must be really mad! But in our house, we use our mouth to show each other we’re angry… Ben- you go to your room. Amy- to yours. When you’ve calmed down enough to talk it out, come out and work it through!”

Sibling conflicts can be an opportunity to teach our children some of our deepest values about respect, relationships, and communication. Seize the opportunity to share these lessons, and with time, you’ll begin to see your children mirror these values in their own relationships.

Margo Sasson is a family therapist specializing in work with children and their families, as well as an instructor of undergraduate psychology. She is married and a mother of three children.

6 Steps to Problem Solving

It could be early in the morning, late evening, or anytime in between when a problem crops up. The only consistency is that the challenging issue always rears its head at the wrong time- no matter what the clock is reading!

From a lost shoe, being teased or hurt by a sibling, to arriving after curfew or loosing a precious possession- problems are part and parcel of raising small souls!

(Have you ever watched anyone accompany their 18-year-old to college and say, “Wow, the last eighteen years have been incredibly easy!”)

Whether or not we face problems is not a choice that we are capable of making- life has a habit of throwing us curve balls at various intervals. The decision that is within our power is the reaction that we have to the challenges that face us.

Here are 6 simple steps that can be utilized with toddlers through teenagers:

1) LISTEN to the child’s feelings, needs, and desires.

Parent: You seem quite upset about the camping trip being canceled.

Child: Yes, I’m so mad! I had my knapsack all packed with great food and supplies last night, and all because of a silly storm it’s canceled!

2) Reflect your child’s viewpoint and summarize the issue.

Parent: After all that packing and preparation it’s really disappointing to be told that the trip has been called off.

3) Express your feelings.

Parent: I’m concerned that if you keep thinking about the canceled trip all weekend you won’t let yourself relax and enjoy the nice things we’re going to be doing as a family.

4) Brainstorm with your child.

Parent: I wonder if we put our heads together if we could come up with an idea that would make you feel better about the upcoming weekend.

Child: You and Dad/Mom could take my friends and me camping tomorrow when the storm is over.

5) Write down all ideas, no matter how unrealistic they are.

Parent: (writing) Ok, I’ve got that down. Any other ideas?

Child: Maybe we could go to Bear Mountains?

6) Together look at your list of ideas and decide which ideas you like and are practical and make a plan to actualize them.

Adult: How would you feel about going up to Grandpa’s summer home with a friend on Saturday and we could go fishing and have a barbecue?

Child: That’s great! Can Dylan and Taylor come along with us?

~~~~~~~~~~~

In the heat of the moment, it’s easy to forget everything (including ourselves!)

Grab an index card, jot down these simple 6 steps, and clip it to your front door, refrigerator, or near the phone!

Please let us know how this works for you and your family, and happy problem-solving!

Mommy-Guilt!

There’s Daddy-Guilt as well, however since the majority of my subscribers are women, for the sake of simplicity I’ll stick to the feminine gender in this article:)

How often does Mommy-Guilt hit upon you? For some of us, it’s only a few times a month, when we realized that we parented our child in a less-than-model manner. For many of us mothers, Mommy-Guilt accompanies virtually every hour of the day.

Here are some common themes that echo the brain of one suffering from Mommy-Guilt:

“That’s so awful… he will grow up to be a violent person if he keeps hurting his sister like that!”

“I need quiet! I can’t take the noise anymore… why can’t my children play nicely?”

“Oh, no, she is in control, I let her get away with her heart’s desires… oh, why am I unable to control my own daughter?!”

While similar statements may flit through our minds, there is a key component to Mommy-Guilt that will open the door to resolving this delicate issue.

Picture this scene: You walk into the kitchen and your five-year-old is playing with Grandma’s porcelain salt and pepper shakers as though they are dominos. “Oh, no!” you scream (aloud or in your mind). “Whoever heard of a five-year-old that plays with Grandma’s china decorations?! You are not going out of this room until you sweep up every chip and apologize to your grandmother!”

After the kitchen has been cleaned, and the air is somewhat clear, you recall the things you heard in a recent parenting seminar. You remember hearing about parenting in a calm tone of voice, and you wonder what kind of a mother you are after all. Mommy-Guilt sets into your heart strongly on this fine evening.

Later, in a moment of peacefulness, backtrack into the event above, and try to elaborate regarding your feelings- just before yelling at your son. If this is a new exercise for you, it may not be easy at first. Mentally put yourself back into the situation that caused your anger and try to identify the precise feelings that flitted through your mind just prior to your outburst. Very likely it was something like,

“This is terrible! Why can’t I leave my child alone for a two minutes without him destroying the house!”

or, “I feel trapped! I have to be on top of my child at all times to make sure he does not make any trouble, and I really need some quiet time for me!”

Alternatively, you may think, “What kind of a destructive child have I been raising; this is awful to feel so totally helpless in front of a kindergartener!”

What you need to realize right now is that it is not the actual even which caused your anger and frustration- rather it was the thoughts you had about the event that caused your emotions to escalate.

Factual and neutral observations would not result in heated anger. Thoughts such as, “I see it’s quite noisy here” or, “She has hit the baby,” or “He is teasing the dog” connote an acceptance of the situation- although doubtless the acceptance would not be accompanied by happiness.

Accepting a situation means that you are not fighting with the present; you are not railing against your fate. While you try to do whatever is within your power to improve the situation, you understand that life does not always meet our expectations.

It is helpful to write down your trigger thoughts for several weeks. You will begin to notice a pattern that sets you off.

Many people realize that they become enraged that life is not turning out how they imagined, “This is terrible! Things are not turning out how I want them to be!” Other people gravitate towards sadness, “It’s really sad that I cannot have the life I want.”

Once you have identified your trigger emotions, you can begin to accept and deal with them in a productive and healthy manner.

Many of our thoughts can be summed up like this, “This sort of stuff should not be happening to me! My life should not be this difficult! I can’t stand the frustration of reality being different from what I want!”

After identifying our innermost thoughts, the next step is to legitimately question that which we have asked for so long: “I need some quiet time!” or, “They must stop fighting, it’s driving me insane!”

Needs are those which are necessary for life, such as food, clothing, and shelter. You may feel that you NEED peace and quiet, however, when stripped to the bare bones, it is actually a preference. (And I’m the first mom to state that you definitely deserve some relaxation!)

Understanding that what you once considered needs are truly preferences for the way of life you desire will greatly enhance your ability to cope. You will be able to tell the little voice in your head that even though life is not the way you want it, it is okay. You will manage, make the best of what life has dealt you, and persevere to the best of your abilities.

When you are able to switch to a mode that DESIRES a life without troubles, rather than the unproductive mode which REQUIRES a life without difficulties, you will be able to handle situations without the old reflex of flying off the handle.

The next time you find your small souls engaged in rivalry, and the usual “They ought not fight so much!” thought surfaces- you will be able to quickly recognize the irrationality of your thought. After all, it is foolish to expect raising children to be two decades of trouble-free time. Because you have learned to be cognizant of your initial thoughts, you will be able to phrase your reaction to the tune of: “It’s too bad that the children are acting out like this, let me see what would be the best way to handle the situation at hand.”

Once you have mastered your internal thoughts and reactions, your behavior will follow suit, and the Mommy-Guilt will consistently shrink until it virtually disappears!

How To Treat Your Different Children Fairly

“It’s not fair!” is one of the most common outcries of children in every age bracket.

Children will invoke the perceived power of the ‘fairness doctrine’ at any opportunity that does not turn out to their liking. Oftentimes they will succeed in intimidating their parents to change their minds by demonstrating the lack of fairness that was inadvertently displayed.

“Why is it always my job to do this?” or “How come you always punish me and he gets away with it?” And, “She got the better/bigger one!” are oft-heard proclamations of children self-interpreting the ‘fairness doctrine’.

The question arises; shouldn’t parents treat all their children equally? Is it not appropriate to dole out equal amounts of love, attention, and gifts to every sibling in the family?

Naturally, parents should do their best to treat their children in a fair manner. However, here is the key: Fairness does not necessarily mean equality. Being fair is not synonymous with treating every child in an identical way. Children and parents alike will do well to internalize this lesson.

In a school setting, fairness is defined by equality, where each student receives equal privileges and opportunities.

In a family setting, however, it is neither realistic nor advisable to treat all children identically. One child has certain needs or abilities that the other lacks. One sibling is older and the other is younger.

Parents want to focus on giving equal consideration to each child; however that does not translate into equal treatment. Whenever measurably possible, goodies should be doled out with equality, to avoid the ‘His piece of cake is bigger than mine!’ syndrome.

Some children must go to bed earlier than others, due to their schedule or personal sleeping needs. One sibling may require tutoring, extra-curricular activities, or more motivation than his sister or brother.

Whenever equal treatment is not possible or sensible, the children’s appeal of the ‘fairness doctrine’ should not prevent parents from doing whatever must be done. Explanations that expound upon why the unequal treatment is truthfully impartial will go a long way to ease children’s minds.

The fact that each sibling has unique needs that may require different treatment can be a challenging concept for children to grasp. Therefore, it is wise to repeat and reinforce the message that while differences may appear unfair, they are necessary and unbiased.

Remember that the constitutionality of the ‘fairness doctrine’ must be interpreted by parents, not by children!

How To Eliminate Sibling Rivalry

“A sorrow shared is a sorrow halved.” an ancient quote proclaims.

Parents can derive much comfort from the universality of sibling rivalry. At the very beginning of time, the first two siblings, Cain and Abel, did not get along with each other, and as a result Cain killed his brother! Fortunately, we can rest assured (hopefully!) that our children are not about to murder their brother or sister. However, this reassurance provides little comfort in the face of constant bickering, teasing, and fighting.

What can we parents do to eliminate sibling rivalry?

In evaluating any behavior it is useful to examine the emotions and thoughts that precede the behavior, in order to fully understand and rectify the issue at hand.

What thoughts are likely to be occupying the mind of a mother or father whose children are fighting? Very often the parent takes responsibility for the children’s misbehavior and concludes that it is a personal failure in him or herself. The thought process travels along these lines: “If my child can behave in this manner, then it must be my fault, and therefore I am a failure as a parent.”

As a result of the parent’s feelings of inadequacy, the parent will try to “fix” the child, who rarely responds positively, and his behavior generally deteriorates further. As the parent becomes more enraged, he or she often becomes angry at the perceived cause of the feelings of incompetence – the child!

When parents allow themselves to correctly feel less personally and totally responsible for every aspect of their children’s behavior, much of the anger would be eliminated from the above scenarios.

Once the negative emotions of anger and frustration are no longer in the picture, a parent can move towards the next productive step: Don’t get involved!

With the exception of serious physical damage, or youngsters under the age of 3 or 4, it is best for parents not to intervene in an argument in which they were not involved. When toddlers do require their parents to step in, it should be done simply to separate the combatants, and not to take sides in the fight. Firmly removing the toy that has caused the conflict, or placing the children in different rooms to play will teach toddlers that they will not win points in the competition for parental love by drawing their parents into their rivalry. If mother or father had a habit of attempting to settle each fight by playing umpire, it will take some time to unlearn those habits, yet it can be done.

Obviously, it is not advisable for parents to become indifferent to their children�s bickering. Just as parents do with other developmental learning skills, they can help their children best by rooting from the sidelines and not jumping into the field.

The common outcry and initial reaction of parents reading this advice is, �Oh, no! The fighting will get worse if I don�t stop them!� Perhaps it will. In the long term, which is usually a period of several weeks, the sibling rivalry will diminish significantly.

The bottom line is that parents cannot always be there for their children during confrontations. Children must learn to deal effectively with their differences independent of their parents.

Your children will learn essential social skills when they are forced to figure out how to negotiate their differences on their own. That is a priceless lesson that parents can only teach by stepping back.