Comments on: Disconnected from 12-year-old-daughter

By: missing my daughter

missing my daughter — Mon, 26 Sep 2011 08:05:35 +0000

I am the single mother of a 12 year old. She is a straight A student, student council, awesome softball player, funny, outgoing, and an all around great kid….for her dad. I sometimes think we are raising two different children. At his house, where she spend most of her time, she keeps a clean room and plays with her brother and helps her step mom with chores. If she back talks I would be shocked. I know she is close with her daddy, he is her softball coach which takes up a lot of her time. It has brought them so close together. When she is with me, she is on the phone, or yelling how bored she is. She refuses to ever clean her room, i have literally paid someone to do it. She and I do not really scream and holler at each other only because she rules my house and I give in to her. I used to have her everyother day plus everyother weekend. Now i am lucky if i see her once a month, I work weekends so i can’t make a lot of her tournaments. When she isn’t playing or doing something else I will ask her to come home and she says she is too tired and wants to stay with dad. It has me so depressed that my little girl never wants to spend time with anymore. My ex and I get along fine but he says he wont make her visit if she doesn’t want to. It is her choice…If I make her feel guilty (not on purpose) she gets mad and won’t speak to me for days. I feel like I have lost her forever. How do i get her back? I miss her so much. We used to be so close. Now I can’t even get her to call me. If anyone knows how to deal with this please tell me. I am going out of my mind. She is all I have. sad mom in texas

By: td

td — Tue, 30 Aug 2011 07:13:23 +0000

there’s some really good advice here. Best advice i can give is NEVER lose your cool. Don’t overreact or you can create a traumatic experience. Kids are going through a range of emotions, and after they cool down, that’s the best time to approach them.

By: Glenda

Glenda — Wed, 30 Mar 2011 00:35:45 +0000

I have twin grand daughters that have a serious problem with attitudes….At least once a week I get a call to come get them because they are showing out..Their stepfather puts his hands on them and tells them or me to get them out of ‘HIS” house. I talked my daughter into getting them into counseling.She says it is their fault for pushing his buttons. I’m trying to get her and husband in family counseling…. With no luck. She tells them not to tell counselor about everything that goes on or they will end up in foster care..Now there is a 16 year old boy living next door to me that they like. Father doesn’t think it’s a problem. Now it’s causing problems with me and them. I tell them they can’t go over there then he comes in and goes with them. I was pregnant at 13 so it really scares me. I don’t know what to do……worried Maw Maw

By: Di

Di — Mon, 28 Feb 2011 05:23:56 +0000

PS – As far as using his fingers to eat, so what??? When he has his first date and he starts to eat with his fingers, the girl will show her disapproval. That may be when he finally gets the message. Meanwhile, remind him, but don’t turn it into a head-to-head. He might actually be embarrassed, or might make it a point of contention because he’s mad about everything else, he might be doing it JUST TO ANNOY YOU, in which case, he’s getting what he wants. If you don’t give it too much attention, he’ll get tired of trying to annoy you. You can keep him guessing. Imagine his surprise when you change your attitude. Give him less attention for the bad things, and lots of attention for the good things; like take him out for pizza or ice cream, make sure he’s into some sport or music or club!!! Without something that interests him he will not reach his fullest potential. That should be your focus – his potential!!

By: Di

Di — Mon, 28 Feb 2011 05:16:06 +0000

Lisa: Wow, that tick mark system sounds awful. How disrespected your son must feel. I think it would be better to do away with that, since he obviously feels constantly judged every minute of the day. Then saying that HE’S being “mean and disrespectful”, that is just the icing on the cake. You have a young man who has a brain and has the capacity to learn. You have to have the patience to discuss things with him, such as the good and bad things you see on the news, or at the mall when you’re together, or in movies, even in commercials – how stupid and manipulative they try to be, etc. Get HIS opinions without judging. Listen to your wonderful boy, don’t waste this magical time when he may begin to talk to you about what HE wants to talk about, or, if he doesn’t talk much, you need to express your love for him ALWAYS. Let him see you as a caring mom who is genuinely interested in conversing with him, about anything – robots, comics, movies, bad kids, good kids, sneakers, favorite foods, sports, life… etc. If he doesn’t talk, then you do the talking and let him sit calmly by you with no pressure to talk. In other words, this is the time to build trust, to bond, and you’re not going to bond if you’re constantly judging and measuring his behavior. Tick marks! Oh brother. I would have rather moved out than have to deal with that. Kids get enough of that sort of thing at school. Home should be a sanctuary for everyone in the family. Show your son how to buy a gift for someone else, such as his grandma or a neighbor. Playfully tell him what you would like him to get you when he’s grown up, like a Jaguar or a mansion. The most important thing you can do with your son is laugh with him!! He must be missing his father. All you talk about concerning your husband is about when “things go wrong”. How negative. You need to MAKE some situations where things go right. The great strategy of “catch your children in the act of being good” is what you need to apply. Tell him you appreciate the way he’s getting himself ready for school on time, let him know you recognize his talents, whatever they may be, find happy things to focus on, rather than keeping score of all his errors. He wasn’t born with good manners, or cleaning skills, or social skills or confidence – that all comes from patiently TEACHING him, over and over again, not like a drill seargent, but like a parent, with LOVE and respect. Let the room be messy until a particular day of the week, and teach him how to clean up quickly, like throwing the dirty clothes into a hamper, taking glass and cups down to the kitchen, etc. Or have him straighten up whenever company’s coming over, not every single dang day. Who does that besides Martha Stewart?? As long as he learns how to present himself and his home, eventually he will take pride in his surroundings. Trust me, I have an amazing 18 year old son who even taught me some things. He adores his dad & me and he knows we adore him. He’s in college and independent and even though he is still developing confidence, he knows we are in his corner always. Good luck & don’t waste time with so much negativity. Give him reasons to enjoy you, his home, and of course, his father.

By: Liesel

Liesel — Tue, 14 Dec 2010 05:51:14 +0000

I had to laugh at your comment (respectfully, of course) because I have been a very strict parent regarding limiting T.V. and media and I always talk about popular culture in a way as to encourage my twelve year old daughter to see through the materialism and manipulation. She, of course, has taken a deep liking to all things “popular”. I suppose it is some kind of rebellion. She no longer wants to read “the classics”, but wants to read “The Clique”. On the other hand, she will make these absolutely fabulous observations about the very things she has been, to my dismay, enjoying, and I realize that my values are in there, somewhere. I like to think of them as sleeper cells- they will emerge again, some day! In the meantime, I find it better not to criticize the things she enjoys too much, no matter how lame- it only ends up hurting her feelings- they do take everything so personally at this age!

By: Candy

Candy — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 08:28:34 +0000

Hey there. Just read all of the above and wanted to say “thank you” for all of the book suggestions out there. I am a mom of a 12 year old girl who is very strong willed. I have taken the parenting role of complete and open communication with her and so far.. (knock on wood) it has worked wonderfully for me. Yes, sometimes I know more about all of her friends then I really want to – but I can honestly say, I am more awair of what is going on in my daughers peer group then any other mom in her class. Parents are often calling me to find out the scoop with their own children…. I am lucky! She is at an age where they start getting boy crazy & I find it almost funny how many parents critisize & ask me (how could you let your daughter have a boyfriend so young (yes, they start dating way to young for my liking…but it happening… not much we can do about it… unless we chose to pertend it’s not happening) – in most cases, the mom’s critisizing me have daughters who also have boyfriends – they just don’t know about it…. and I have to bite my tounge…

Having said that…. I had to comment on Jolinda’s post above. Your daughter is 14 & unfortunatly, for some girls, thats when they start being sexually active….. thinking back to highschool myself – it happened from age 14-17…. My advice… Don’t try to block this boy out… That saying “keep your friends close, and your enimy’s closer” exists for a reason, and in teenage daughter land… they boy is always the enimy… You have done the right thing (in my eyes) in keeping him comfortable in your family setting – to change that now, will only encourage them to continue their relationship in defiance of you… You want to be there for your daughter I’m sure – you can’t stop her from her relationship – you can only stop her from telling you about it…..
I have to tell you, when I was a teen, the parents who made it VERY APPARENT that Sex was EVIL didn’t stop their daughters from having sex…. they just stopped their daughters from talking to them about it…. I had some classmates who ended up pregnant at 16 – and dealing with abbortions all on their own often being taken to the clinic by a friend or their boyfriends. Their parents were blinded and thought all was good in their daughters worlds while they were dealing with so much emotional strain all on their own…. These girls are now in thier late 30′s and in most cases their parents still don’t know what they went through – some of them think their daughters were abstonate until they got married…… As a parent, I never want to be that mom… I want to know what my child is going through – I hope she will make good choices – but I want to be there to help her through her mistakes too – not blindsided about them 10 years after they happened….

My advice… Talk to your daughter – let her know all of the risks and complications of sex. Be grafic – What exactly is an abortion – what happens to the baby and to the mother during an abortion and what can happen to a young mom & baby if a pregnancy is carried through. Talk about AIDS and other STD’s – show pictures of what they look like. Talk about how an STD or abortion can cause her to not be able to have a child later in life….. communicate, communicate, communicate – you will probably find that she choses to obstain herself… But to simply tell her she can’t see the boy anymore will only cause her to desire it more (they think they are in love & nothing you can say will convince them otherwise, until they are 20something and know what real love is….) they will end up having sex in unknown places – places you don’t think she ever would…. or if you win with this boy, he will give up and move on, but there will be another and she won’t introduce you to him next time… It’ll be some boy you’ve never met before – in some place you would never even think possible….. If it was me, i’d take a different role & instead of making the boy off limits….. Define the rules a little more – even invite him over MORE OFTEN but keep them close to your sight – No closed doors – no private dates – group activities only and chapperoned events. Age 16 will be your next problem – when they can start commuting on their own – unfortunatly, it’s going to happen…. As much as we hate it…. Teens have hormones… We can control their environments to a degree, but we aren’t with them 100% of the time and it only takes 2% of their time to find the opportunity to do what they aren’t allowed….. over control will only encourage negative reactions…. Keep him comfortable around you so they aren’t sneaking around.. you want them right in front of you… sex can only happens if they are alone…. Absolutly NO closed doors – and NO BASEMENTS!

By: Mark

Mark — Mon, 20 Jul 2009 05:09:15 +0000

Thought I would type in search engine (My daughter is not listening to me) this is where it lead me.
I am a loving Dad who would do anything for my Daughter. Now she is nearly 12 she is starting to not do anything I say. I lost the rag near the end. She picked up the cordless phone and smashed it on the floor. Went to her room and started by tossing the mattress and thrown stuff. So I thought ok I will shout at her to show who is boss. Wow did that back fire. She worries a lot about going to her 1st year at the big school. Don’t know if this is the problem. She is paying for a new phone out of her money. My wife and I have not decided how to punish her. Is she trying to grow up too fast. I also see I am not alone on this.
Its 6.04 in the morning and I had to look up something on the net. Got to sort this out. Question is does She pay for phone and also be punished Or is there another way to deal with this. Thanks for taking the time to read this. Mark

By: Shawn

Shawn — Fri, 01 May 2009 04:22:22 +0000

i really like your response, I would like to know more of the prog. EFT, I have a 12 yr old daughter, I absolutly love her. Thanks for your time.

By: Wendy

Wendy — Sat, 18 Apr 2009 18:00:48 +0000

Hi Jolinda, I commented above also, to give you some background. I did decide to put her in Independent Studies. This is not homeschooling. She goes to school once a week and receives a packet of work then completes it by the following week. She must be supervised during the day, though. She either goes to work with me or stays with her Grandma. It seems to be working for her. Her grades have gone up to B’s & C’s. I have much more control of where she is and who she is with. My opinion on sex, which may not be the popular one, is that strong willed children are going to find a way to do what they want. I have come to the conclusion that strong communication is VERY important between a teen and parent. Since I stopped reacting to her choices and have just given consequences (meaning there is no yelling, etc. I just say, “you broke this rule and this is the consequence” our communication has gotten MUCH better. As a teen, they know right from wrong. They generally know what they did was wrong and why it was wrong. We do not need to tell them. It is like someone who is overweight or someone who smokes. You don’t need to tell them it is bad, they already know. Shaming them (which is what a screaming match does) is not going to make them stop. These are choices they need to make on their own. I have told my daughter repeatedly I do not want her having sex, however, I cannot stop her and I know that. I have talked to her about the reasons and my hope is that she will remember these reasons when the time comes. I think if your daughter made a bad choice and you over react, it will just give her more reason to not want to talk to you. Read the book, The Strong Willed Child. I think it will make a difference. We would fight at least twice a month (and these are the big screaming matches) now we have had maybe 1 or 2 in the last year. She tells me every day about her friends. I try not to comment unless it is REALLY important, otherwise I just listen. If she is with a friend and I am within earshot and she knows it, I never join in on the conversation unless she directs it. If she knows I already know something but didn’t directly tell me, she will be more apt to talk more. When she talks about her friends having sex or smoking, that is when I give my 2 cents about her friends. She has told me on more than one occasion that she has repeated my advice to others, which means I am getting through to her at least some of the time. I think it is also important to know those they hang around with. If you completely shut this boy out, you run the risk of pushing her at him even more except you will have NO control of it. I feel it is better to give her new boundaries. You can see him only at our house or you can go to the movies, but I will be in the next theatre. Parenting is all about trial and error. Unfortunately, we hope the errors are not too damaging and we really won’t know until they are adults. Good luck! By the way, up until about 1 1/2 years ago, my daughter also never talked to me.

By: Jolinda

Jolinda — Sun, 12 Apr 2009 10:35:44 +0000

Help! I have a 14 yr. old haughter and I just found out that she recently had sex with her boyfriend. She said it was the first time. We had a long talk and as a punishement we took her cell phone, i-pod and can’t use the computer and the laptap, no more going to the mall with friends for indefinite period of time. I told her to break up with the boy, but I doubt if she’s going to do that. Now that she broke our trust we’re watching her every moves like a hawk and I made her known about that. When we found out she has a boyfriend, we had a long talk we said ok so there will be no secrets. I want her to be open with us. We invited the boy for dinner, invited him to come on our San Diego vacation trip, drops him home from school everyday so he wont have to walk. We felt so betrayed, now I don’t even want to see his face. Do we talk to the boy?, the boy’s parents? I don’t know how to reach to my daughter. She’s the kind that doesn’t talk to us that much. I told her that she can always come to me and talk. It seems that she’s so miserable when she’s at home, it feels like she would rather be with her friends than with her family. When she’s at home she would stay in her room or bury herself with the laptap. No normal conversation with her because all she’s going to answer you is yes or no, don’t know. As if she’s telling us to just leave me alone. I don’t want to loose my daughter, but i don’t know if I’m doing the right thing. Help! please needs some advice.

By: Tracy

Tracy — Thu, 09 Apr 2009 11:16:50 +0000

Consider homeschooling her.

By: Jameylah

Jameylah — Wed, 11 Feb 2009 05:14:11 +0000

Hello Nancy,
No one here suggested that you check out what is going on at school. Maybe someone is saying or doing something at school that makes her rebel and not want to go. Its not that she doesn’t want to learn or why would she offer to do independent study. Sometime children have been threatened to not say anything or they just don’t know how to say it to Mom. Find someone else an aunt, cousin or friend who can casually try to draw the information out of her as to what is wrong at school. Go to the school and speak to the teachers and and staff and see what have they observed of your child. Who is hanging around her and what type of students are they, etc. Even the best of schools can be a very scary place.
All the Best,
Jameylah

By: Nancy

Nancy — Tue, 10 Feb 2009 03:35:14 +0000

Thank you for your kind reply’s and I do appreciate the advice. I am reading another book called “Yes, your teen is crazy” and that has helped me deal with all these bizarre situations with less anger. That seems to be the key in keeping emotions from getting out of control. When we start to disagree (yes we are speaking again) I end the discussion and we come back to it later. I still feel myself being paranoid about what is going to happen next and trying to deal with each situation as it arises. I did take her in for a depression evaluation and slipped in a drug test so we know what we are dealing with. I will be seeing a family counselor in a few days to get additional help in managinng this situation. I still feel my daughter will make good with her threats and holds this power over my head. She did go to school last week, but don’t believe she is doing any homework. We will see what happens this week? I do know her feelings are real and I’m taking steps to try and investigate options to help her. Will be interesting to see what her doctor says after the appointment today – do you want to bet that it’s normal teen angst?

By: Wendy Brown

Wendy Brown — Tue, 10 Feb 2009 02:19:43 +0000

Hi Nancy,

I have a 14YO also, with many teenage issues. An online book that helped me a lot is from the website http://www.myoutofcontrolteen.com. It strictly deals with difficult children and has great tips. I also read another book, which helped me learn that teens ARE going to make mistakes (that is their job) and we need to deal with the problem only and ACCEPT that they will make bad choices. I think it was called the Strong Willed Child. It helped me to stop reacting angrily and just give the consequence. I read it about a year ago and my daughter and I are communicating much better now (although, her grades and some other choices have not improved.) I am also debating independent studies, but have not made a decision yet. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

By: Christine

Christine — Mon, 09 Feb 2009 05:17:44 +0000

Just a note – Not being your daughter’s friend does not exclude you from being a mom she can’t talk to. It simply sets boundaries that are important not only in a mother daughter relationship – but in future relationships she may have – boss/employee etc . . .

You will probably get more information from your child when she clearly learns the roles each of you have in your relationship.

By: Kyla

Kyla — Mon, 09 Feb 2009 03:40:09 +0000

It is amazing but at 32 I do remember what it was like to be this age. I needed my mom to trust me and allow me to screw up but on the other hand I required discipline and responsibilities. At 14 she wants to grow up but the world is telling her she is not allowed. Give her some responsibilities and let her know that there are some consequences if those responsibilities are not respected.

Good luck, Nancy

By: Nancy

Nancy — Thu, 05 Feb 2009 21:21:17 +0000

I am desperate with my 14 yr old daughter. She is not speaking to me right now and I do feel her pain and try to imagine how hard it is to be a teenager these days I was tough in the beginning and that made her rebel even more. We haven’t really spoken to each other in a week and that doesn’t seem to be helping either. She doesn’t want to to go to school and when she does go she cut class or is not going her work. I want to go to her and say let me help you!! I’d like to take her in for counseling – which she refuses to do – I’d like to take her for check up to see if she is clinically depressed.

It’s so hard to know the right moves and the right decisions to make. I know she’s slipping further and further away from me and taking ridiculous advice from her friends. There is one friend in particular that is a very bad influence but my daughter tells me that the only time she is happy is when she is with her. I suspect they are smoking pot together (and who knows what else) which doesn’t help the situation.

Right now the only adult she is speaking to is her father (whom she hadn’t spoken to for three weeks prior to this) She wants to take independent study instead of going to school every day. I am now desperate and at the point of possibly considering that with counseling, a rigid study schedule and limited social visits. I’m afraid that she is at the breaking point and will try to run away or harm herself by us continuing to force her to go to school.

Any suggestions?

By: Kyla

Kyla — Wed, 04 Feb 2009 15:44:11 +0000

I didn’t see the above quote from Dyan Eybergen which recommended the book Hold onto your kids…repeat…sorry…The author is who she said but Dr.Gaber Mate is co author of the book as well. Good luck!!

By: Kyla

Kyla — Wed, 04 Feb 2009 04:03:08 +0000

Hello Desparate,
Now is the time to learn because you want to see a change…Good for you!!
Lately I have come into contact with 2 things that may help start solving your problem connecting with your daughter. I went to listen to a speaker by the name of Dr.Gaber Mate. His book is called Hold onto your kids and it speaks about just what you are having trouble with. Basically what I got from it is we as parents HAVE to stop fixing our childrens problems for them and start having relationships with them and enjoying them.
Also I am almost done a book now called The Five Love Languages that is really about how to speak to your spouse but there is a chapter on Love Languages our children have and how to speak to them in their emotional love language and how to teach them to speak to us in ours. Good luck and God Speed.

All the best.
Kyla

By: kim

kim — Wed, 04 Feb 2009 03:31:01 +0000

I forgot to add the series of how to talk so kids will listen – they have one for teens to – that is another awsome series!

By: kim

kim — Wed, 04 Feb 2009 03:29:23 +0000

I would recommend two books – why do they act that way and say yes to no – both by Dr. David Walsh. Why do they act that way gives us parents (who don’t know anything) some insight into why kids in that age act the way they do and also gives some helpful suggestions. I work with kids from 12-14 and both books really gave me some great ideas. I also have two young children of my own which say yes to no has helped with. There are lots of books out there about raising teens, my suggestion is to read as many possible so that you can fill your parent tool kit with all different kinds of tools – if you find something isn’t working with her then move on to something else. The more options you give yourself the better chance you have of finding something that works for both of you. I know I found with my kids that with each stage I’ve had to try different things – and even gone back to old techniques that worked in the past! That’s the thing about kids…..they are ever changing puzzles! Just when you get the puzzle figured out it’s quickly on to the next one! I know it sounds weird and you will find this in the why do they act that way book but we as adults are ill equiped to fight with a teen-ager! Teen-agers are great at it – so we have to fight smarter not harder. I use it with the kids I work with and believe it or not our confrontations are few and far between and when they do occur they are short and sweet! And the kids respond!

By: Vicki

Vicki — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 22:04:30 +0000

I have to admit I have never been a person that reads books.. My first book being “Out of the Mouthes of Babes” by Dyan Eybergen. In which I found very well written and delightful!!! I recently purchased “Get out of my life….” and gave it to my 14yr old daughter to give to me as a Christmas Gift. My daughter finds it quite funny when she sees me reading it and says “IS IT HELPING??”…I admit there are many days where you’d like to send them back to where they came from, than often think “where would I be today if my parents had given up on me?”.. I truly believe that love, patience and understanding are key in a child/parent relationship. ” Pick your battles and don’t sweat the small stuff” my Mom always says!!.. If a child is brought up knowing right from wrong, with strong morals and beliefs..they will come back, they have strong roots!!. No one ever said “life” was easy and God will never give you more than you can handle. Keep the faith.

By: Gerry

Gerry — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 20:09:43 +0000

This Mother desperately wants to reconnect with her daughter and have a better relationship with her. When parents listen to, and spend time with their children, the child in turn will respond positively. Every member of a family has responsibilites in a home, and when a loving atmosphere is present, the child will instinctively be more apt to fulfill her duties. I agree that consequences need to be in place for poor behaviour, but until a one on one relationship is mended, the behaviour will continue regardless of consequences, in fact may even esculate. The book “Hold on to Your Kids” is highly recommended.

By: Julia Reed

Julia Reed — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 18:49:46 +0000

Dear Desparate!
Take heart. There is a lot of hope. Aside from the fact that you recognize the need for it, there are a lot of tools you can put into your toolbox that will help.
Perhaps the first one is absolute honesty. People, whatever age, recognize this and resonate with it and the courage it takes to find it and own it. Aside from the fact that you are teaching honesty, you are living it and that will breed more of the same. It is not always easy, but it is always effective.
Perhaps the second one is a little rule-of-thumb – if you have a contrarian in your life, preceed whatever you say with the words, “You probably won’t agree with this,” or “You probably won’t like what I’m about to ask you to do.” In disagreeing with you, which will be their natural tendency, their automatic response, they will be agreeing with you! It’s fun, easy, and it will tickle your funny bone at how it works and can help them to turn something around very quickly and innocently!
A third tool option is to read again and again Eckart Tolle’s book, The Power of Now. He speaks at length about the pain body and how hungry it is. If you and your daughter both are feeding off of eachother in that way, this book will help you see that and begin to shift it into something very beautiful.
My daughter and I were at odds for the middle ten years of her life (from around 18 to 30). She totally rejected me. Then, all of a sudden, enough people who knew me, supported me, loved me, invited her to re-consider. When she did, she was able to see that, in spite of all my mistakes, I had aways been loving her unconditionally.
So, I can will imagine how frustrating and painful it must be.
Last, but most importantly, I use Progressive EFT, a form of Energy Psychology on myself, my children, my family, my friends and my clients. It begins with owning your truth and ends with your truth showing you the way out of whatever you are into. It is easy, efficient, always available, and it works.
You’re welcome to email me with any qustions. I wish you all the best. Take heart that it really is always darker before the dawn
Warm Regards
Julia