My Son is Ruining my Life!
by Ellen C. Braun
Filed under Communication, Controversial Parenting Styles, Latest News, Problem Solving
Question: I am sorry about how this may sound, but my eight-year-old son is ruining my life. He is bossy, whiny, demanding, and disrespectful. This is despite years of my strictly enforcing our house rules of respect, proper conduct, and love. My husband and I are worn out and as our son gets older his bad behavior worsens. He has stolen money from my purse, habitually lies to us, whines and has melt downs. I know he can control himself because if he wants something he can be a perfect angel for weeks on end. Once he gets what he wants he reverts back. I am tired of being blackmailed into giving him things just so he will behave. Help!!! Do you have any ideas??
Sincerely,
Kate
Answer by Dyan Eybergen, author of Out of the Mouths of Babes: Parenting from a Child’s Perspective. Dyan is a paediatric psychiatric nurse, has more than ten years experience working as a therapist and parent educator. Dyan and her family were guests on the cable television show “For Kids Sake”, along with parenting expert Barbara Coloroso. Eybergen resides in St. Albert, Alberta, with her husband and three sons.
Answer: Dear Kate,
There is a lot of stuff going on here and without a complete background history it may be difficult to tease out what the real issues are so I will attempt to tackle each of the “symptoms” you describe and offer some solutions for each one of those – my thoughts may not necessarily be a true representation of what is going on in your home.
“Bossy, whiny, demanding, disrespectful and has melt downs”: I am assuming whatever you are currently trying to curb these behaviors hasn’t worked for you so far. You mention “strictly enforcing house rules of respect, proper conduct and love” – I would encourage you to examine how you are strictly enforcing these values and evaluate whether or not you need to make some changes. Children often respond more to modeled behavior than what is preached to them. I have no idea how you relate to one another in your home, and I am not wanting to sound accusatory, but think about how you and your husband communicate – is it respectful? When your son is behaving in these ways how do you respond? Do you in turn treat him with respect by validating his feelings -not the same as agreeing with him (you don’t have to), but letting him know you understand how he feels? Or do you yell back at him and engage in conflict and make demands of him? Do you have enough respect for yourself to calmly tell him that you do not deserve to be spoken to that way and will not respond to his demands or whining but when he can speak to you in a respectful way, you are more than happy to have a conversation with him?
It’s a tricky thing when your child is behaving this way not to fall into the trap of feeding into the behavior. These types of negative behaviors are well known for pushing parent’s emotional buttons. Unfortunately, it is often how we react – usually by losing our cool and yelling threatening things like “stop that right now or you’ll lose computer for a week” or “don’t you speak to me that way, get in your room NOW, you’re grounded for a month” that reinforces disrespect. Negativity only begets negativity. And at the end of all the arguing, if you give into the demands the child has made or you don’t follow through on the threats you made, you have only taught him that he needs to whine and argue and boss you around for a certain period of time before he gets what he wants and that there is no consequence for his behavior.
I recently wrote an article dealing with the do’s and don’ts of teaching children Self Control – it may of interest to you.
“Stolen money from my purse”: stealing money can mean a lot of different things – the child is seeking attention because he “feels” unloved, the child is materialistic and takes money to buy things to fill an emotional void, the child is giving money to someone at school because he is being bullied, the child is taking money to buy drugs or alcohol, the child lacks self or impulse control because due to an underlying mental health disorder. The first thing you need to do is try and understand the root of the problem. Why is he taking money? And I caution you – if you ask him he probably won’t know the answer. You need to discern what the reason is and work from there to correct the behavior.
You mentioned that you are tired of being blackmailed into giving your child things so he will behave. Rewards systems are a controversial subject. Many parents believe in their validity and use them from a very young age to get their children to cooperate and engage in desirable behaviors – usually because they see good results early on. There is one school of thought that thinks reward systems are a detriment to a child’s sense of self worth and only contribute to negative behaviors in the long run. The idea is that children who are use to receiving prizes or treats for “good” behavior become externally motivated and as they get older, they up the ante and only work or behave for mom and dad, if there is a reward involved: “What will you give me if I take the garbage out?” “I’ll only do that if you pay me.” When a child cannot always get what he wants he may resort to “stealing it” because without a reward, he doesn’t feel like he is a good enough person. The reward validates his worth. Not everyone agrees with this theory- as I said it’s a controversial subject. If you want to read more on the detriments of rewards systems check out the following article by pediatrician B. Brazelton. Another parenting expert that has similar views is Barbara Coloroso – check out her book Kids are Worth it!
If your child does not get an allowance you might want to start doing that. Have a discussion about how much you and he thinks would be fair and what kinds of things he will use his money for. I would also encourage you to implement some parameters around the money – such as he needs to save a percentage, give a percentage away to charity and the rest he can spend on something of his choice. This way he learns to manage money and understand it’s value and it will also give him a sense of control. It may also help stop him from taking money out of your purse because he will now have his own. Do not use it as a disciplinary tool though, do not make it contingent on his behavior – “you won’t get your allowance this week if you don’t behave” – then it becomes the same as a reward system. And I wouldn’t suggest tying the allowance to his chores either. Everyone in a family needs to work together to make a household function. I don’t think anyone pays you for doing the laundry or making meals! If he would like to negotiate with you to make some extra money by picking up some additional chores – that’s entirely different.
“Habitually lies to us”: like stealing, lying can occur for a number of different reasons. Another article I wrote on Teaching Kids Honesty may give you some ideas for how to deal with it. In the Recent posts side bar on Raising Small Souls there is additional information on kids and lying- (as well as defiant behaviors).
You and your husband are dealing with a lot here. I wouldn’t suggest trying to tackle each issue simultaneously. Prioritize and start addressing one problem behavior at a time. You don’t want to overwhelm yourself and get discouraged when you are not seeing results right away. This is going to take some time and you and your husband will need some support – parenting classes are a good way to share experiences and learning’s from other parents who have similar challenges.
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We went through this stage with our children- sassy, disrespectful behavior- it was a nightmare!
However, they’ve grown up; my son is a father of a beautiful 4-month-old girl, and my daughter has twin girls- nearly two. That’s why I’m here; I want to learn about raising my grandchildren as I’m often their babysitter!
Keep praying- your son will grow up and come to his senses!
Rebecca
I would highly (very highly) recommend “The Kazdin Method” — especially because your son can behave when it is worth it.
I was extremely impressed by the answer from Dyan.
I am in the same situation with my 3 children. I don’t know where exactly I dropped the ball but I really appreciate Dyan’s answer and some of the other reading that is being recommended.
Thank you for this helpful site!!
I was also extremely impressed by the answer. Very thorough AND practical. Sometimes these “expert” answers make you feel more guilty than better, but this one was GREAT!
Have you had a psychological assessment done yet? This may be helpful for you and also point out some suggestions that you haven’t thought of. Also, perhaps there is a mental health issue that needs attention. I’m surprised that no one suggested seeing a counselor. Many of the behaviors you ascribe to your son are “normal” at some time during a child’s life but so many constant problems indicate a more serious situation, I believe. There’s nothing wrong (and many times it’s the best thing to do) to seek outside, objective help. It’s ok to admit that you need help – it’s the courageous thing to do. Now is the time to get help before the teen years start! Best of luck to you.
While Dyan’s answer was really quite good and pretty comprehensive, I think she left out something very important. That is, that these parents appear to have absolutely no relationship with this child. He receives little or no positive attention, so he is desperately grasping at anything so that he will at least get negative attention. There are several things the parents can do before seeking professional help for the child. (If they would be willing, however, I’d recommend professional help for the parents.)
1. They need to start making consistent deposits in the child’s emotional bank account. Spend time with him one on one EVERY SINGLE WEEK, where each parent will have the child away from all distractions (cell phones off!). This doesn’t have to be a money spending situation. It could simply be a walk around the block or a tete-a-tete on a park bench. The parent should let the child talk, not instruct, and not react to what the child says except in the context of active listening: Hmmm, so you felt really angry, this sounds really hard for you.
2. Catch him doing things right. Whenever he does ANYTHING good, or neutral, however minor, NOTICE IT!! And try your utmost not to notice the annoying things he does. I notice you spoke respectfully just now. I like that. You’re reading a book. Etc.
Just these two things alone should effect a dramatic change IF the parents do it with kindness and love and without sarcasm and resentment. If they cannot, then the parents definitely need professional help.
I wholeheartedly agree with Kayla’s response and suggestions. I have two nephews that are completely out of control as they are screaming loud and clear for attention of any sort. I have raised two sons whereby I respect their voice, listen, interact, engage, and involve myself to them as the individuals they are. I thoroughly enjoy the company of my children and have never had the need to discipline them for misbehavior as their attentions and needs have been met through time spent together, in conversation and interaction. Harmony will exist in the home with children when they know that they exist in love and meaningful coexistence with their parents and respect is given in all directions by all.
Thank you Debbie for your forthright and eloquent response. It feels good to be agreed with by a Mom as sensitive and perceptive as you obviously are. I wish you lots of continued nachas from your children. I’m sure you’re there for your nephews as well. They’re lucky to have an aunt like you.
You have got to be kidding me!! Are you still going without a bra and smoking pot? Have you ever heard of the “strong-willed” child? Some children are leaders and some are followers by God’s design. I have never heard of a child who didn’t need some sort of discipline in their life. How else are they to learn the meaning of “consequences”?
I’m not sure you were responding to me, but I’ll reply anyway. I never said that there should be no discipline, but, my dear, ALL discipline is extremely unhealthy. I think you’ll agree if you reread the original question, where the mother actually states, “This is despite (!) years of my strictly enforcing our house rules of respect, proper conduct, and love.” Did you ever hear of ENFORCING house RULES of love?” If the child’s whole life is based on consequences, and even rules of love how can you expect him to have ANY respect for the two enforcers aka his parents?
I am so glad to hear you say this!
I have 5.5 year old twins and they are as different as night and day. My little boy is easy going, loving and non-competitive. My daughter is a spitfire, loving one moment and yelling the next. She is impulsive and says and does whatever is on her mind and this spring she began yelling, calling me names and sticking out her tongue. Yes, the temptation to respond in kind is overwhelming, but as you said you are just modeling the exact behavior you are trying to eradicate. Completely at my wits end one day I said to her, “no matter what you do, or what you call me or how mad you try to make me, there is nothing you can do to make me not love you. I will always love you no matter what!” She immediately relaxed and got giggly; I was astonished!
Soon after that I elicited the help of a parenting expert where I live and she suggested 20 minutes a DAY of one on one ‘special time’ with each child. This time is critical for a child to feel that they are loved. Even though we know we love our children, they don’t necessarily know this (which is a horrifying thought). It has made an amazing difference for us, because although I did spend lots of time with them, the key word there is ‘them’. We always did things together and never one on one, simply because it is very difficult with twins to separate them and give them individual attention (my husband works long hours and cannot help with this). However, they are now old enough that one can entertain themselves while I am having special time with the other. They both LOVE it and look forward to it, and it makes them each feel individually special and loved. If we miss it, they let me know! In fact if we are short of time I give each a five minute back rub at bedtime and it is amazing how much they love that and the attention from me.
I do also believe in establishing consequences for inappropriate behavior, however, I have found that if they feel truly secure and loved having that time every day, we don’t have nearly as many problems. And I would much rather parent with methods based on love and respect than fear, anger and retribution.
Thank you so much for your advice, it is a wonderful reminder!
I hope this was to me! It was just great! Yes, I also believe in consequences. I didn’t mention it in my response because the original Mom was, in my opinion, WAY over-consequencing.
My son was a Dr Jeckyll & Mr Hyde – there seemed to be no ryhyme or reason as to when he was good and when he was out of control… by the time he was 6, I was seriously afraid him seriously hurting me when he got bigger than me! Then I discovered he had food sensitivities and then it was like clockwork – when he had an offending substance, he’d act out. There were other issues like very low executive function skills that made homework difficult, but when I followed the Feingold diet, I had my great kid who thanked me for helping him when he hit middle school! Feingold.org has more information. Not the easiest thing to do, but neither is fighting with your child day after day.
Kristy,
Is your son still on the Feingold diet? If not, when did you take him off and what foods does he still not eat?
Thank you.
Virginia,
He went on the diet at age 6 and I never took him “off,” rather, we transitioned him to self-monitoring at about 14. We found that when he hit puberty he had higher tolerances than he did when he was younger, as well as better self control due to emotional and developmental growth. Before Feingold we just weren’t reaching him to teach him – like a brain disconnect. He will be 21 next week and is no longer under my roof. I still think he is about 4 years delayed in maturity, but last summer told me he was going to get strict with the diet again because of problems he noticed that he knew would be helped if he was “clean.” What he keeps out of his diet is mainly the artificial colors and flavorings, specific preservatives BHT, BHA and TBHQ. These affect processed foods mostly, so it’s not the specific food, but the brand (Annies mac & cheese instead of Kraft) due to what the manufacturers put in – it’s cheaper for them to use artificial ingredients. The actual foods he was most affected those called “salicylates” – tomatoes, oranges, peaches, berries, cucumbers, to name a few, and they had a build-up effect – a little was okay, but a lot would rival the unnatural stuff in his awful behavior.
Hope this helps! It wasn’t easy, but it really made a huge difference in my family’s life.
I agree with Valerie (professional assessments are key – don’t go it alone) and have compassion for the parents. I have a “difficult” child. He is Asperger’s, ADD, etc., and I often wonder where is the joy – and I thank heaven it’s not worse.
To the parents, keep trying no matter how exhausting (and it is). The best advice I have is to remember that an eight-year old is a work in progress. We may not enjoy the child we’re experiencing now, but taking positive actions offers hope for a better (if not stellar) future. My best to you.
My ten year old has and does struggle with many of the same issues. I have found that more often than not it is directly tied to time watching TV. Anytime his bad behavior escalates the first thing we do is decrease TV time. Interestingly I have found that even TV that I previously thought was innocuous (Disney-Hannah Montana, Zach and Cody, Wizzards etc.) and is supposedly appropriate for his age is filled with disrespectful, rude, dishonest models. You might want to monitor his television time.
Amen to that! TV is telling our kids it’s funny to be disrespectful so they think they are just having fun when they talk like that! If it’s not funny, then why do we let them watch and learn it! There is very little on TV we can allow them to watch without perverting their minds and moral perspective of authority … even the basics of right and wrong! I found the same true with my 5 children. SInce they are still learning what is respectful, those shows confuse them… what is funny to adults because we wouldn’t dream of talking that way… they are taking in as examples. So we don’t watch them. We are unusually picky about what we watch and it makes for little TV time, so the kids choose carefully so as not to waste the little time they get to watch.
Media cannot be responsible for what our kids are taught… media has no conscious or honor code and will corrupt them instead.
Try reading “Have a new Kid by Friday”….it was very helpful and I still reference it when things get out of hand.
I fully agree with Ann’s response. I have noticed this in my own children. We actually lock the Disney channel at our house and they have to ask permission to watch anything on that channel. Some of the programs are simply prohibited. I have found that when we turn the TV off by 10am our days are much more pleasant and their behavior is so much better toward me and each other.
Hi,
I have one highly spirited child and one child with a pretty easy going temperament. I have also been in the field of education for 14 years – working with children and families. Being a parent is the hardest job anyone will ever do in my opinion and there is a lot of nature versus nurture. My two kids are night and day and the same parenting techniques do not work for both. Having said that, I have read countless books and been to many professional development and parenting workshops. The best approach, for us, by far, has been Howard Glasser’s approach. It has been transformative for our family.
Sara
I agree with Valerie, Please get a thorough pychiatric exam before the potentially dangerous teen years. Nutrition and food sensitivities also could be an issue. TV is pretty dreadful as well! Deserved compliments, and time one-on-one of course is necessary for every child. I definitly have compassion for these parents! Any siblings?
My children also have food sensitivities. Allergies do not always show up as we expect, but can be behavioral. I would recommend seeing a nutritionist and doing a chart of foods eaten and behavior that follows hours afterwards. My children respond horribly to artificial dyes (especially red 40), high fructose corn syrup and artificial sweeteners. It can be one specific thing or many things in combination. Food is an easy thing to control and monitor for young children.
I would like you to e-mail me re followup comments
I was impressed by a number of the responces. I have learnt that as hard as it sometimes is we have to look at our own behaviors as parents to be able to handle our children. We need to remember that they are a smaller version of us.
I agree with Dyan and also LUVVV what Kayla has said! So many times the good/neutral things are left unspoken. Why are we there to bust our child every time in the act of bad behavior, and then when they are playing sweetly, we say nothing? Positive affirmation can do so much good building a childs self esteem and making them feel significant which is more important than the average mommy and daddy realize. But isn’t that the main goal? Raising our children to feel good about themselves so they can go out into the world and be of value to society?
My husband recently told me he heard a statistic on how much time a daddy spent with their kids one on one. Most men said 15 minutes/day. When observed and timed the actual average number came to 15 seconds! Turn your phones off, the TV, etc…and spend time with your child, that is your real job in life, right? Maybe you may start seeing some changes in the entire family dynamic.
Ohmigosh! I couldn’t have said it better myself! Thanks for the affirmation. Sometimes I feel like I’m- what do they call it?- whistling in the wind?
I have a VERY strong-willed and energetic first born son who requires a lot of my attention. I have always given him a lot of time with me as well as praise (only when he does something well, but certainly not for everything) and he is one of the sweetest and loving kids I have ever known. He does need a lot of time to get his energy out throughout the day, but he has always been a great helper and is very sweet and loving.
On the flip-side of this, he just became a big brother a few months ago and I was no longer able to give him as much attention as before because a newborn baby requires so much time and attention. Now, he is very excited to be a big brother and loves the baby very much, but I have noticed a huge difference in his behavior – especially on days when the baby needs more time than usual.
Discipline and being strict didn’t really help get to the heart of the problem, but spending special time with him (even if just for a few minutes at a time throughout the day) made a tremendous difference.
I always try to make each of my boys feel special and give them each special one on one time. There is no jealousy and as long as he knows they will each have personal time with both me and Daddy, then he doesn’t seem to mind when his brother sometimes needs a little extra time.
He still has his moments, but that is usually my clue that I have not been spending enough special time with him. He will still get disciplined (usually a toy being taken away for the day, but sometimes as much as a spanking) but he will also get to talk about the behavior with me and get a big hug after the problem is resolved.
I am concerned that the child’s heart is not addressed here. You definitily could have a new child by next week if you bribe him with rewards for good behavior or threaten with punishments for wrong behavior. But where does the heart come in, where do we address what is going on inside the child’s heart and try to, with God’s help, change that heart. We do not want to turn out greedy children who are only out for themselves, but loving, kind children. I have a five year old and a 10 month old and I will tell you some days I just want to give up, but then I remember my calling as a parent – To raise them up in the way they should go and when they are old they will not depart from it. Ladies this is not a quick fix – this is going to take years of diligent work on our part, not only loving our children and disciplining them but teaching them through every situation they go through and LISTENING to them. I would recommend a great book by Tedd Tripp – Shepherding Your Child’s Heart. May God Bless you all in your daily parenting!
YEs yes!!
If the change doesn’t happen in the heart it won’t matter how much they show surface changes just to please us. What is in the heart is what will come out!! God’s Word and lots of prayer makes all the difference in the world!!! GIve it , and your child, to God….He can do all things!!!
“The Power of a Praying Parent” by Stormie Omartian is great!
The tone of the question made me sad – you say your child is ruining your life – you are making this about you, and not about the child that needs help. You are the parent, you need to figure out a strategy to help. Having said that, I do understand where you are coming from. I’ve seen such kids before, and the parents are at their wit’s ends.
I agree. I was thinking the same thing…. I have some of the same issues with my children, but I realized it’s not “the child who is ruining my life”… it’s MY failure to get the key or be consistent in what will help the child overcome this tone or lack of respect for authority…. and especially know gratefulness! Whining and complaining is not knowing how to be thankful and there is no joy in a heart that knows no thankfulness. I deal with my 5 children on this matter a lot. Anyway, the point is… we are the parent … we cannot place blame but must take responsibility for how we are teaching our children, by word, by actions and, most of all, by example!!!
I had alot of behavior problems with my son. if you are doing all you can to teach him right from wrong you might want to get him checked out by a pediatrician to see if he has any mental issues or undiagnosed disablitily. I know it is difficult to think your child has a disability but if he does then it will help you know how to deal with the behaviors.
It is a shame that in today’s time..children,who are supposed to be our “pride and joy” turn out to be our worst nightmare.Why can’t it be like it was when my grandpa was a dad. ( he was wonderful)He brought up 4 boys and one girl and never tolerated disrespect…and STEALING??? The good old woodshed was waiting for the boys and my aunt too if any shennanigans took place. Everyone did their part of helping the family and respect was never an issue!children today have no guidelines or consequenses for bad behavior.Not any that mean a “hill of beans”to them anyway.Back then everyone was on the same page,if you will understand…Teachers,parents,administrators,law enforcement officers…We all understood each other and consistancy was the rule.If there was a kid that simply could not or would not adhere to simple rules,there were special schools to help him and keep him from harming himself and others.Kids today will continue to wreak havoc because THEY CAN and they know it!Nothing will be done to really stop the situation because they do not want to bother.Bring back the “GOOD OLD DAYS’ of love and respect coming from BOTH sides.My poor grandpa would roll over in his grave if he should see all the chaos t and grief todays kids give everyone.
Love and respect? Where? In the woodshed? “Special Schools?” (Like, maybe those cozy, homey Reform schools?) I’m 55 years old and I HAD that upbringing. I survived, but do you have any idea how many sick, twisted baby boomers there are out there, disguised as your average, hard-working citizen?
A little Twilight Zone music, Maestro please.
I am in total agreement with you. Read John Rosemond, parenting guru and speaker…he is totally “old-school” and his parenting strategies are savvy, smart and WORK! He has many books on different aspects of parenting, but his “The NEw 6 point Plan For Raising Happy, HEalthy Children” is a comprehensive overview.
Every child is an individual and has individual capabilities and needs. What worked for your grandfather and his children will not necessarily work for others. Two children growing up in the same household with the same rules and the same upbringing can react in different ways. Also, you may want to talk to those four children of your grandfathers. I’d be willing to bet they can tell you some stories. In hindsite Grandpa may have been a whiz bang parent, but I’m sure he made some mistakes, took a few stumbled parenting steps and regretted a few decisions. Like we all do.
It sounds like you could use a new perspective entirely. I highly recommend that you read Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn and How to Talk so Your Kids will Listen and Listen So Your Kids Will Talk, by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. These will explain a lot to you. Then you might enjoy spending some time at http://www.cnvc.org to explore further resources.
Dear ‘Son is Ruining’ …
Dyan E. has given sound, well-thought-out advice – with gentleness & kindness, and I hope it rings true to you.
I am so GLAD for you & your family that you are looking for answers – Seek and Ye Shall Find!
You didn’t provide enough info to base a more specific reply on … BUT I can’t help but think that this problem didn’t occur ‘overnight’ – it’s been years in the making?
IF you had help/cousnelling that didn’t work out, you may wish to proceed on to different forms of help until you find what works best.
I’m hoping that you & your son will be spared unnecessary years of misery – when he actually IS young enough to get this thing turned around. Please be brave, and follow through – life is too short & misery is too long!
Kind regards, Jo-Anne
About three years ago when my youngest son was 4 we were having very, very difficult problems with him. He was unable to control his behaviour; having tantrums and screaming at us. We patiently waited him out not giving in to his demands, which is hard especially when I was in a grocery store. Along with our older son who, after much searching, realized he was lactose intolerant, we had already undergone the experience of discovering a food allergy which can be painstaking work. There are blood tests out there as well. Anyway, we were desperate to try anything so we started with the most common allergy foods like dairy, peanuts, and sugar. We started to notice a difference when he ate candy or anything with food coloring in it. In particularly red #40. It was like a complete 360 difference in him. We went from a screaming, kicking, hitting, angry little boy, to a calm, loving, sweet and caring boy. Admittedly discipline is a huge factor and showing respect to our children is so important. I really appreciated the above answer to the original question. “Food” for thought though…food allergies made a huge difference in our home.
With you in the raising of our small souls,
Jamie
Yeah,Kayla…I guess the reform school does not work..because those sickos are let OUT. When I was 18 ,my dad was afraid for me even to walk home from the bus stop from my work because one of those monsters was let out of the reform school twice and he killed twice..each time because some idiot belived that he was going to “behave” He killed a young girl(on her way home from school)..He was put in a detention center because he was “too young”to go to prison( BAD CHOICE)When he was older and let out..he walked into a pet store and killed the elderly(55 years old)clerk,who was taken by surprise .WHY..because he knew he would get away with it with a slap on the wrist.The kid should have been locked up for good,when he first started raising havoc at school…then two families would still have their daughter and grandmother.
Is that what you think this mother is talking about? A sociopath? Those people are put into prison nowadays. I’m not talking about that. I’m talking about non-sociopathic children. Should we first lock them away and throw away the key because they MIGHT become who-knows-what? Or should we first try whatever WE can do to help them develop normally? Or is putting the focus on US too hard for you to get your head around. I can tell you, you are not alone in this. It’s very hard to admit that maybe, just maybe WE are making mistakes and need to correct ourselves in order to help our NORMAL children.
We are forgetting that there are just “bad seeds.” In past, the population of sociopaths, narcissists etc. were a small part of the general population. Let’s look at the world today, greater population, young “darling” are indirectly/directly exposed to many things they should not be. Basic math (ratio) more people, the more psychopaths, sociopaths etc.
The way I seet. American don’t know how to raise children. Stop having them. I raised 3 kids- college grads. My family’s motto-children are to be raised as children. Too much coddling and treating them as demi-gods.
The decline of Western Civilization.
Hi Kayla,
Jackie here..sure I agree with you in that respect..in fact..I do help NORMAL children every day..Many times ( I have seen it all too often,unfortunately) it IS the parents who are the trouble and many of my collegues feel the same way.We (two of us teachers)even wanted to adopt two little boys who are in danger of becoming sociopaths because of such a horrible environment..but as I said before..without love and respect and I do mean love(these two don’t get it) they are only headed towards trouble. Mom & Dad teach ‘em drugs are ok and if boyfriend beats up mom that is ok too..These two do anything they want and are not held responsible for what they do. The “uncle” threatened my friend when she gave the child a place to come to in the rain.Both of them haver severe learning disabilities caused by Mom’s drugs.They both used to be pretty sweet,but”uncle” teaches them otherwise.So…why doesn’t the system do something to prevent what will take place There are a lot of us that want to help,but “uncle” is stronger and meaner and cops are afraid. How can we get NORMAL kids help BEFORE they become disrespectful,dangerous,abnormal individuals.I love NORMAL kids,but please understand I do not think that dangerous kids should be able to hurt those children who we are trying to protect just because nutso parents do not want to bother taking care of them.It is getting worse..No one wants to help them..you are right about that.Our guidence counseler tried to help a child who was being knocked around by his peice of dirt dad that left bruises on his face weekly. She was told by our principal to back off….HOW STUPID IS THAT?? I just want police to protect those of us who try to help and make it mandantory for all people to do something when violence occurs in a school.It is not happening yet.I just want you to read me right…You have not seen the indifference I have in the past 8 years….Jackie
So, Jackie! In the end, we really agree. Just one thing: What makes you think I have not seen the indifference you have in the past 8 years? In my volunteer work as parent mentor I have seen much more than I would have believed possible. You can’t imagine how many parents I have had to work myb..t off with just to get them to see their children as being as human as they are.
I don’t know how you take it, though, day after day. I think you are amazing, still hangin’ in for the sake of the children who-maybe- can yet be saved.
Thank-you Kayla,you hang in there,too…I struggle daily,just listening to the news and wondering..why did that happen..if those little kids lived near me…they would not have starved to death..or I would have probably smashed that peice of dirt”boyfriend”,before he had a chance to beat up and murder a baby. I keep trying,anyway. The best to you.
You too!
oh my, that was a lot of information to process. I googled “how to get teens to love & respect you” and found this site and this blog. I came here because my 14 year old son is about to be 15 and I feel I only have a few years left to make up for all that I’ve done wrong. I’m driven to get this right because I love him and I want a wonderful life for him. I also have a 6 year old and a toddler. I hate to admit that the first child is the guinea pig; I never wanted that to be the case, but I’ve learned a lot from trial and error. I pray God grants an extra dose of mercy and grace to all first born children. Here’s the story: I grew up in a conservative Jehovah’s Witness home and spent a lot of time with two doting grandmothers who spoiled me and encouraged me not to tell my parents. I learned that secrets, lieing by omission, conveniently forgetting things, and shading the truth worked…in other words I lied and I thought I was good at it, but many failed romantic relationships and short-lived friendships proved otherwise. I was happy and scared to find out I’d become a mom about a month before my 18th birthday. I resolved to be a good mom and bought, borrowed, and stole every good looking parenting book I could find. I read How to Talk so Your Child will Listen… and perused Dobson & Brazleton…well truly I lied about that; I read enough to say I’d read them, but I was all about shortcuts and didn’t carefully study any of those books like I should have. I even did a fast read of Shepherding a Child’s Heart. I went to 2 out 5 parenting classes. I went through counseling on numerous occasions only to find that counselors do a good job of listening but don’t offer any tangible advice. I spend 10 years of my son’s life trying to pin down a dad for him, thinking that would fix things. I didn’t want to break my son’s spirit so I didn’t spank him till I was convinced nothing else worked (he was 8). I wanted a close bond so I breast fed and he coslept as an infant. I didn’t wean him till he was 18 months old and he naturally moved into his own bed when he was ready (3)…he kept wanting to come back to my bed till he was 8 and by 9 I was insisting that his man-sized body belonged in his own bed…then I felt guilty for alienating him. Counselors often encouraged me to reflect on my “boundary issues” but they never advised me specifically what the boundaries should be. I concluded that I needed to cease co-dependent relationships with men who wouldn’t commit to me and my child and I found my way through exploring a variety of religions and relationship styles (my son along for the ride). I wanted him to believe in himslef and be the best he could be so I kept trying to get him in Gifted classes…I got him in his 5th grade year and he did great but we moved the year I finally married and the new school district said he was “locally identified” not state identified so he didn’t place. I blamed the school system instead of my son when his grades dropped. I blamed my husband and my self when my son stole my credit card and bought computer games and I made excuses for “misunderstanding” when my son was caught or suspected of lying on numerous occasions. I never meant to be an enabler, but clearly I was. I have gone back to some of those books and started studying them. I’ve prayed through Power of a Praying Parent and Power of a Praying Wife. I’ve seen that through the journey of parenting, God had a lot to teach me and my husband and my son, but this has been a really hard year. My faith has grown deeper. My integrity has grown strong and I’ve sought to make amends for previous lies, secrets, or omissions. My husband has grown more patient and has found compassion I didn’t expect to see, yet my son has not lived in this house for 9 months and that fact breaks my heart and compounds the sense of failure I feel. I’d like to say it started last spring when he got mononucleosis, but that would play an unfair sympathy card…it started before that; that was just a turning point. I think it really started the first time my son saw deceit work in my favor and it stuck when he figured out it worked for him too. Mono should’ve lasted a couple of weeks…my son milked it for six weeks and the doctor and I let him, cause how could we be sure. He was on “homebound” and spent a lot of time sleeping. His homebound teacher asked if he might be depressed. My husband and I had some marrital issues; it was possible. So, I took him to a psychiatrist as our pediatrician suggested and the psychiatrist was ambivalent. He offered my then 13 year old child the choice of counseling or medication. My son chose medication and I thought, “what about what I think?” I was voting for counseling. The psychiatrist pointed out that if my son didn’t buy into it, it would be a waste of time and money. The medication made my son feel like he was drowning (not sure if he made that up) and convinced the psychiatrist at his follow up visit that he’d be fine without medicine. Case closed. I thought we were on the upswing when my son was regularly attending church, had gone on a youth mission trip, joined the church choir, and was in summer band camp getting ready for 9th grade marching band. He started school and I was at his first home game, watching him play sax, proud as I could be. Late that night, he woke me up, “Mom my stomach hurts really bad.” I asked about his bowel movements. He’d had chronic constipation for several years, had recently been put on a routine of taking miralax and I encouraged him to take a dose of that. A couple of hours later, he still complained. He hadn’t slept. It was early Saturday morning, the day our baby was to have his 1st birthday party. I had a cake to pick up and had orchestrated a big event, with a secret credit card that my teen son knew about, but my husband did not. My mom was in on my secrets too. I told my husband about my son’s stomachache and was thinking about taking him to the Dr., but my husband, a paramedic accused my son of being melodramatic and told me I’d be wasting my time and money. My gut instinct told me otherwise so I went ahead and took my son (my husband was still at work)..I asked my mom to meet me at the Dr. so I could play it off like she took him. Yes, I know how unhealthy this was, but at the time it felt like what I had to do. I told the Dr. I thought it might be his appendix; she wasn’t sure so she sent him to the ER. I sent my mom to take him and I went on to proceed with the party because my husband had already accused me of loving the teen more than the baby or implied that I cared more about the teen than the baby…its muddy in my memory and I’m going on impressions and memories of certain words and phrases. As I rode in the car with my husband to get some part platters from Sam’s (his contribution to the party), I got a call from my mom. They were doing a CT scan to see if it was his appendix. I started crying. I should’ve been there! I was angry, with myself and my husband for making me feel torn. Thankfully, he said, “The party is off. We’re going to the hospital” and he called people to tell them not to come. We got there before the CT scan, so I was able to see my son and comfort him. I was also there when the doctor said it was appendicitis and I stayed through the surgery and recovery. My marriage was almost dissolved over me bringing the baby’s birthday cake to the hospital…an act my husband perceived as deeply disrespectful to my teen, our baby, and him. I never undertsood that, but I apologized for it anyway. Six weeks after my son came home from the hospital, he came home instead of going to band practice, after trying to get signed out early. My husband believed he was “milking it” like he did with mono and he & my son had an unpleasant disagreement over my son’s claim that he hadn’t slept in 96 hours. My son ultimately told my husband his own version of every concern I’d confided in him (I know our children should NEVER be our confidants) … he accused him of sleeping all day & making the baby nap when he wasn’t tired; he told him he was fat, mean, didn’t treat him or his mom right, and said when he grew up he’d be smarter, a better husband, and a better dad…my husband heard him hurling insults but my memory of that day could very well be damaged by the whirlwind of emotions that followed. I don’t recall my son using profanity & my husband never accused him of that; I don’t recall threats, although my husband said he felt threatened; I don’t recall my son saying he refused to abide by house rules, although my husband declared that his disrespect was a violation of house rules. My husband’s anger got the better of him and he reacted poorly. Before the situation escalated to a dangerous level, he told my son to “get out” and physically pushed my son out the front door. My son walked to his grandmother’s a block away from us and has been there ever since. I finally recognized how my lies and deceit hindered God’s spirit from blessing or healing my family or my marriage. I told my husband about the credit card. He forgave me. We went through marriage counseling, and while he has become a more patient and tolerant husband, he still refuses to allow my son to come home. Initially, he was willing to let my son come back when he apologized, but I pushed for him to apologize too. I told him they were both out of line. He didn’t agree. Recently, my mom bought my son an x-box, without telling me and told him not to tell me, but he did. I had bought him one over a year ago and took it away after a couple of weeks. He lost in one of those escalting episodes that got to the point of, “if you say one more word, its gone for good.” and I felt I had to be true to my word. I can only imagine the hypocrisy he must’ve seen in me as he saw me bend the truth in so many other ways. I wanted to give it back to him sooo bad & before I eventually found a way or a reason to, I took a family friend up on an offer to trade the x-box for a wii, thinking that giving him a wii wouldn’t really be me going back on my word. I see now how screwed up this whole picture is because through it all, I see my son has absolutely no respect for me or anyone else. He admits that everything he does, he does to get something he wants…if there is no extrinsic reward, he has no interest in doing it. Therefore he dropped out of band, avoids family gatherings, doesn’t care to take me up on my offer to host a yearbook signing party for him and his friends, and ultimately failed the 9th grade, due to “intermittent homebound” for IBS (irritable bowel syndrome)…he admitted that he faked ibs attacks to get to leave school early or to get to stay home on many occasions, so now we can’t believe much of anything he says. To add insult to injury, he declares himself an atheist and says he doesn’t believe in God, heaven, or hell. I don’t want him to become a sociopath or a pathological liar. I’d likle to see evidence of good character. He’s not nice with his words to me or his grandmother, the two people who consistently bend over backward for him. he wants me to “fix it” with regard to him failing schoola and I told him I’ve done all I could. I got the homebound situation set up so he wouldn’t be truant & I got an IEP to buy him time & extra help. I tried virtual school and when that didn’t work, I pleaded his case and he was granted nonpunitive administrative withdrawals (meaning it wouldn’t compromise his GPA). Tonight, I sat down with him & my mom and apologized for my history of lies and secrets. I put it all out there and said, “I believe God gave me a sweet little boy with a good heart and I tarnished it. I’m sorry. Now, I want to do all I can to help clean it up.” I thought I made it clear that my son is responsible for his choices to lie, but my husband thinks I took all the responsibility and left him in the clear. I pray for my son daily and I want to do what is in his best interest. I still feel like I need him to come home and be with me, but he doesn’t want to. My daughter says he’s mean to her and I know that is true. He’s hit her and lied about it despite his handprint on her arm. My husband doesn’t trust him and feels that he would not only be a bad influence on the two young children, but fears he may hurt them. I wish I could say, I know my son wouldn’t do such, but I question how much anger and resentment is seething beneath the surface and I don’t want to put my other children in harm’s way. So for now, I leave him with my mom and wonder how to handle his demand, “Mom, quit pushing your religion on me.” I feel like God led me out of lies and darkness and despair and believe that I have a responsibility to teach His word to my son, but my son has indicated he wants to be responsible for himself in that regard. What do I do? What do I say? Some of my dearest friends feel I’m doing the best I can and can do no more. Others feel I should tell my husband, my mom, and my son, “This is how its gonna be…” and bring him home to my rules and order. I’m pretty sure I’d be looking at a divorce and nasty custody battle if I did that, not to mention a defiant, angry, unpredicatable teen that wouldn’t appreciate me “fighting” for him. I wonder what God wants me to do and no sooner than I think I’ve figured it out, it comes into question again. I wish the many books and schools of advice had a quick fix, sure fire answer for times like this, but I know they don’t. They do a pretty good job of teaching you how to not find yourself in this mess…so for anyone reading this, learn from my mistakes. Consitency is where I feel short. “Do as I say, not as I do,” is where I failed. “I changed my mind,” doesn’t sit well with an analytical teen. I’d appreciate anyone’s advice. Please give me words of hope. I’ve condemned myself enough; I know where I went wrong, time & time again. Now, I’d just like to know how to fix it.
Your son’s behavior is not your fault. Despite what anyone may tell you. It sounds like your son may have aspergers or highly functioning autism. These children exhibit all the behaviors you mentioned and it can getv(MUCH) worse as time goes on. Also, It is common to an asperger child to be “good” for a period of time and then have a meltdown. This confuses everyone including Dr’s. However, the good behavior cannot last for extreme prolonged periods of time even when something is in it for them. A meltdown is inevitable. My son has all those behaviors and has gotten so much worse over a period of two years that it is shocking. Since aspergers children “mimic” behavior from others (but amp it up about a 1000 percent) the worst behavior came about when I entered him in public school and also around his grandparents who have alzheimers and also have very inappropriate behaviors. Now that I have this understanding, I try to watch out carefully who he hangs around. However, when my son is hospitalized it cannot be helped who he sees as there are some really troubled kids in psyciatric hospitals. And unfortunatly, no medication is helping either. My only hope now is to put my son in a residental treatment place because I have two small children who this behavior is effecting very badly. I hope you get help as help is really hard to find and you will always find someone who thinks your kids is just fine simply because he can hold it together for a short period of time.
Love and Logic is my mentality with kids. As for your credit which may have troubles now, you could check out a credit repair company I used. http://creditrepaircapital.com/is-your-bad-credit-ruining-your-life/