EATING WITH CHILDREN
by: Mona R. Spiegel, Ph.D.
“My Family Coach”
Helping Women and Their Families
http://www.myfamilycoach.com
Introduction: What’s for Supper?
Long before your child comes home and asks, “What’s for supper?” you’ve already asked yourself that question. You might have had an idea or two, but then you started to think: ‘She doesn’t like _____,’ ‘He won’t taste anything green/red/fresh,’ and ‘I’m on a diet.’ Then you ask yourself again, “What should I make for supper?”
Why has food preparation become so complicated? As a result of the plethora of nutritional information available, we are more careful than ever to prepare a properly balanced meal. However, we enter a virtual minefield when we try to match nutritional standards with children’s preferences.
Nutritional information is like a glass of wine; it is not to be taken and swallowed in one shot, but smelled, tasted and experienced. If you like what you’ve learned and it makes sense to you, then make it part of your family culture. Try different foods on different nights and, above all, make your meals simple. Don’t over-invest in time, cost or emotional energy. Then you won’t resent it when one or more of your children reject that night’s menu.
Appetizer: Getting the Children to the Table
You: “Supper’s ready!”
Child #1: “I’m not hungry.”
#2: “I’ll be there soon.”
#3: (No response)
This is the beginning of a potential battle between a parent and one or more children. It seems to be about supper but, in fact, it’s a voice recognition test. Your children hear your voice, recognize the signal, and respond negatively or not at all. You may try requesting again, with the same results, until you get fed up and finally force them to come. If this pattern continues, they will learn to wait until you reach your frustration level before they comply.
The way to resolve this conflict is to regularly follow up your words with actions. This means taking the time to:
1. Go to wherever your children are and make sure you have their attention. This includes not just auditory attention, such as, “Yes, Mom, I hear you,” but also visual attention – full eye contact. If they’re on the computer or reading a book, wait until they look at you. Then deliver your message. Don’t walk away but wait for them to follow you or do whatever you’ve asked. Patience in this case, as in many others, is a virtue.
2. Use your physical presence for positive interactions as well. For example, go to your child to give a compliment, deliver a message, or show them a new purchase. Try to avoid long-distance communication within the confines of your home. By taking the time to walk over to your child you highlight the significance of your words and establish a relationship through your actions as well as your voice.
3. Build trust. In the same way that you want your children to do what they say they’re going to do (for example, coming after a brief time when they respond, “I’ll be there soon.”), be careful to do what you say you’re going to do. If you promise to get off the phone in a minute, do it; if you say you’ll pick them up at a certain time, be there on time. In that way, you demonstrate the importance of your speech and the reliability of your actions.
4. Develop good “listening skills.” This means looking at your children when they talk to you, and showing interest by asking questions or by commenting appropriately. From the youngest to the oldest, our children want and cherish our attention. Listening to your children will encourage them to reciprocate and listen to you.
5. Establish a routine. Although supper does not need to be at the same time every night, it is very helpful when it has a consistent place in your children’s evening schedule. That way, they will expect your summons to the table and will be more likely to cooperate.
Salad: How to Satisfy Different Tastes
How does one keep supper simple when every member of the family wants something different? Think of supper as a salad. They may not like every ingredient in the salad but, more often than not, they will like something in it and be willing to eat part of it. After you offer your version of a dinner “salad”, think about the following:
- Lower your own anxiety about food. Physicians are unanimous in their opinion that children eat when they are hungry. Forcing children to eat or, conversely, prohibiting them from eating certain foods, teaches them to ignore their own internal sensations. They may end up hating the healthy foods and craving the forbidden ones, setting the stage for future eating problems.
- Decide who’s in charge of the kitchen. If you are the appointed cook then you get the privilege of choosing the menu. However, your children may enjoy helping you prepare the meal and, in that way, feel that they have participated in the choice. In fact, the more fully they participate, the less likely it is that they will refuse to eat the food that’s being served.
- Allow children to choose what they want to eat, as long as it’s on the table. Once they start hunting in the refrigerator, they belittle the importance of the meal and focus instead on alternatives. In the end, if someone doesn’t want to eat anything that’s being served, then they are probably not hungry.
All of this works if both parents follow the same guidelines. If one or the other, however, follows a special diet or rejects what is offered, the children are likely to follow suit. Discuss your preferences in private. If something special has to be given to one person, because of a food allergy or illness requiring a particular diet, allow others to partake of it as well. Alternatively, that person might be better off eating at a different time. The goal is to have everyone share the family meal.
Entree: Enjoying the Meal with the Family
We are now ready for the main part of the meal, the entrée. We really want our families to enjoy the entrée while, at the same time, provide them with nutritious food. So what can go wrong? A lot. Some children may refuse to eat, while others may choose only the starches. They might decline the protein and vegetables, both of which we’re told are essential to their diet, and instead want pasta every night. In addition, children may have special needs that have to be taken into account. Many children, for example, have specific food allergies or are overweight.1 How do we satisfy everyone’s needs and still enjoy the meal?
First of all, it is important for us to examine our own feelings about food. Do we use food as a means of satisfying our emotional needs; for example, to calm down, feel nurtured, or feel in control? Do we serve the food begrudgingly, resentful of the time it takes to prepare and clean up from it? Conversely, do we invest so much of ourselves into its preparation that a child’s rejection of even a minor part of the meal upsets us?
Secondly, what model of eating do we present? Do we sit and converse during the meal, or eat on the run? How many times do we answer the phone during the meal? Most of us don’t realize that the ringing of the phone is not equivalent to an alarm bell and that the phone can usually be ignored.
In contrast to common wisdom, nutritional benefits are not the most important part of the entrée. People’s nutritional needs are generally met over the course of the day and children, in particular, can satisfy their needs across several days without impairing their health. Rather, the psychological aspects of the dinner meal are its true “nutrients.” Many studies indicate that “kids who eat dinner with their families regularly are better students, healthier people and less likely to smoke, drink or use drugs than those who don’t.”2
Given the importance of the family meal, it is crucial to create an atmosphere that will motivate children to want to be present at the dinner table and not avoid it. Here are some strategies:
- Prioritize dinner time and, as much as possible, do not allow other commitments to interfere. This means that soccer practice, tutoring or dance class should not be scheduled during dinnertime. If necessary, have one dinner for the younger members of your family and another one for the older ones. This may sound cumbersome but actually works quite well for both sets, with much less snacking and greater flexibility for different age groups.
- Let the extended members of the family know that you will not answer the phone during dinner. Alternatively, if you do answer the phone, ask the caller if you can speak later because you’re eating dinner with the family. The response will usually be positive, and your children will hear the message clearly: You value their company.
- Train yourself to omit saying anything during the meal that does not induce a positive atmosphere; including reproaches, reminders of forgotten tasks or homework assignments, and comments on etiquette or manners. Instead gear the discussion to the day’s events and encourage (but do not compel) your children’s comments. Share your own day and express interest in your children’s activities, irrespective of their ages.
- Deal immediately with behavior problems that cannot be ignored, such as spitting, kicking, or throwing food. If necessary, ask the child who misbehaves in this fashion to leave the table.
- On the other hand, ignore all verbal comments that might escalate into an argument. Learn from your children’s best teachers and do not allow unimportant distractions to interfere with the atmosphere of your home.
- Finally, dinnertime is not the time to deal with sibling rivalry or marital tensions; save these and other problems for a more appropriate setting. View your kitchen as a public arena where one treats others with courtesy and respect.
Dessert: To Bribe or not to Bribe
Dessert can be the highlight of the meal or its downfall, as far as children (and calories) are concerned. When our children anticipate a delicious dessert and it is not served, either as a punishment or because of a dietary restriction, they can react as if they are traumatized:
- “You promised!”
- “I don’t care about allergies.”
- “Just this once, please?”
- “I’ll listen better next time, I promise!”
- “It’s not fair!”
A child’s disappointment will be especially intense if a sibling gets dessert but he or she does not. Does this mean that a child should get dessert no matter what was left uneaten during the main part of the meal? Conversely, should we bribe a child to eat the entrée by promising him or her a tasty dessert?
The answer is a categorical no. Dessert should not be used as a reward for eating behavior, either in terms of what was consumed or how it was consumed. If you serve dessert as a regular part of your daily meal, don’t withhold it from one child and give it to another. In general, you should separate meals from any other reward system that you have in place. Thus, if you choose to use candy or cookies as a reward, serve it at a different time.
Furthermore, while you should put yourself in charge of what you serve, do not demand that the food be eaten. Do not compel or bribe a child to eat. If you find that your child is not hungry at dinnertime, examine your evening schedule: Did you serve a snack before dinner? Did you serve dinner too late or did you allow it to drag on too long? The problems that arise during dinner often occur because of our own anxiety that children not leave the table hungry.
In sum, think about the messages that you send to your families together with the food that you serve.
1. Jane Brody reports in the April 5th edition of the NY Times that 15 percent of American children ages 6 and older are overweight and another 15 percent are headed in that direction. http:///www.nytimes.com/2005/04/05/health/05brod.html?oref=login.
2. “Family Matters” by Hilary Stout, Wall Street Journal, Thursday, November 11, 2004, p. D8.