Fast-forward 2, 5, or even 20 years.
Graduation caps are flying through the air as celebratory sounds of “Congratulations!” fill the air.
Your beloved child has just graduated from college, a shining moment in your parenting journey.
“Wow, the past 2 decades have been so easy!” you marvel to your friend. “Piece of cake, raising my sweetheart; childrearing is just so incredibly simple!”
{Extended pause for laughter here}
The truth is that nobody ever said that raising children is an easy feat. Far from it- childrearing is one of life’s most monumental tasks- and the baby is delivered without an instruction manual!
Yet some of the inevitable pressures and disappointments that accompany the raising of our small souls can be diminished by adjusting the outlook we have towards our child’s future.
Take a look through the following statements. Is it fair to guess that you agree with the majority of them?
* I would like my child to get good grades in school.
* I’d like to see my child graduate from a prestigious university.
* I would like my child to become financially successful.
* I want my child to marry well and have a happy life.
* I’d like my child to make a difference in the world.
* I want my child to have integrity, compassion, and patience.
We have a whole bunch of wishes up our sleeves, don’t we, parents?!
Let’s take a step back from the admirable list of dreams and study the realism (or lack of thereof) in all of our desires.
No doubt, many of our children will be fortunate enough to achieve all those wonderful dreams, yet, the list begs this question: Was the list compiled based on a parent’s goals- or was there a connection to this particular child’s abilities?
Disappointments and strained relationships can be traced back to one thing- in 99% of all cases: Unrealized expectations.
The reason that most of us can have a wonderful day after realizing that we have just lost the state lottery, whereas many of us would have a disappointing day after our child has gotten into some trouble is because of the expectation factor. We never expected to win the lottery in the first place, so our losing numbers are not a source of frustration. Yet, we did expect our child to behave appropriately at all times, and the youngster’s lack of decorum did not meet our expectation- and resulting disappointment is the mathematical outcome of an unrealized expectation.
As any expert or self-help book will profess, a person’s achievements are based upon his will, drive, and perseverance. Yet, the connection between the will of an individual and his accomplishments must be based on the reality of his abilities- not the reality of his parent’s ardent dreams.
Recently, I heard about a man who had reading trouble as a child, and unfortunately, cannot read properly to this day. “My parents offered me prizes and money so that I would improve my reading skills, however it was like offering me an incentive to grow a foot taller. There was no lack of motivation on my part, there was simply a genuine lack of ability.” (Thankfully, today, there are so many more resources to deal with reading challenges.)
Some parents feel that setting realistic challenges can thwart their child’s growth, because they feel that low expectations and the ensuing low performance can have a negative reflection on them.
Therein lays our greatest challenge- to objectively set realistic goals that are tailored toward our child’s abilities and inclinations- not to our egos. Expectations that are overly high can set a child up for failure, while expectations that are too low can cause a child to stagnate her growth.
After a relatively small expectation has been met, it is generally appropriate to raise the bar and establish a slightly higher challenge. This is also an ideal time to praise and reward the child for her prior accomplishment, thereby motivating the youngster to continue in the desire to achieve more.
The old cliché, “When there’s a will there’s a way” holds truth and promise- as long as we get to know our child and set up realistic expectations.
Wishing all of us much pride and joy resulting from our children’s accomplishments!
