Think about this: “We don’t grow into creativity, we grow out of it; actually, we get educated out of it.”

Click below to begin the video:

You may need to simply click ‘refresh’ if you do not see the video above these words! Otherwise, you can view it here: http://youtube.com/watch?v=iG9CE55wbtY

Let’s examine the power of human touch regarding children and the accompanying effects that can result from insufficient physical contact.

Recent research in neuroscience has shown that loving touch is not an optional aspect of childrearing; it is essential for child development, and a lack of touch damages not only individuals, but our whole society. Loving touch releases the hormones oxytocin and dopamine, while infants who have not been touched have an increase in their levels of the stress hormone cortisol.

Electrical stimulation in laboratories demonstrates that pleasurable behavior and violent behavior are mutually exclusive. Like a light switch that can be either “on” or “off”- the human body can only handle one sensation- be it pleasure or violence- in a single moment. The results of the study testify that the more pleasurable feelings a human being experiences, the less likely violent urges are to surface.

Newborn animals that were placed in isolation invariably developed aggressive and self-destructive behaviors. Perhaps an increase in affectionate physical contact would move society towards world peace more effectively than political negotiations?!

For various reasons, Western society has become a “touch-hungry” culture where fear of lawsuits and social norms restrict tender touch outside of intimate relationships. There is an endless supply of “cradles” for our babies- bouncy seats, swings, and exersaucers- which all serve the purpose of freeing Mom or Dad’s hands to be busy with something other than holding and cuddling Baby.

Touch is a universal language that transcends verbal ability in communication. A squeeze of a hand, the pat on the back, or a gentle embrace, convey a primal message of comfort and tenderness.

A reassuring hug is the natural reaction towards the child who is upset or frustrated. Yet, what about those busy days where things go smoothly? Does the child lose out, in a certain respect, when she behaves well all day and does not receive that comforting embrace?

It is essential to incorporate non-responsive touch into our children’s day in order to provide the emotional and neurological benefits of touch. Try stroking your son’s hair while you do schoolwork together or rubbing your daughter’s back as he settles down to bed. These actions come more naturally when children are toddler or preschool age, as they grow older more of an effort needs to be made to remember to continue physical closeness.

Reading a story or watching a movie together is a beneficial time to put your arm around your child- even if she is a teenager! As children age, many will resist touch as they struggle to become independent. Don’t feel offended or insulted if your child is in that stage- rest assured that it is totally normal! Without any fanfare or comments, continue to brush his shoulder as you fix his color, or pat her back as you smooth her hair. Nobody is too old for demonstrative love, even if many a thirteen-year-old thinks so!

Infant massage is a wonderful manner of incorporating loving touch in a baby’s early years of development. There are many books and DVD‘s available that demonstrate effective techniques.

If you live with a partner, take the time and energy to make sure that you fulfill one another’s need for touch on a regular basis, or schedule a massage with a professional.

Our modern lifestyle includes phone conversations, text messages, and emails, which all serve to make us more “in touch” with each other- while the physical distance between us limits actually being “in touch”.

My son appreciates a back rub as he recounts the sports he played during recess at bedtime, even though he often resists hugs during the day. Discover the timing and methods of loving touch that work for your family and share your tips below!

Some parents give more, and others less; yet we all wonder at some point, “Am I spoiling my daughter?” or, “Is buying this item for my son truly a good idea?”

Is there a guide or checklist that can inform parents when they are giving to their children in a healthy manner versus overindulging them? How can we know whether we are spoiling our children?

Let’s examine a child’s developmental stages:

When a small soul is born, the baby’s fist is clenched- a symbol of his position in humanity as a ‘taker”. As he grows, we hope that he will learn to open up his palm and become a “giver” with an outstretched hand.

For the first few months of his life, a baby is only capable of seeing the world through his very own point of reference. At approximately eight months of age, the baby learns the concept of “object transience” – the idea that objects exist even if he is unable to see them. At this stage the baby realizes that his parents or primary caretakers are separate from himself; this is the age where stranger-anxiety occurs, and his newfound discovery make the game of “peek-a-boo” so much fun!

In a healthy setting, as the baby becomes a toddler, he learns to interact with others and discovers that his actions can affect other people’s reactions. He will learn age-appropriate social skills and delight in giving back to his parents; with a smile, sharing a blanket, or a Lego project. A child in a state of fulfillment will generally develop normally.

In an unhealthy setting, where a baby’s emotional and/or physical needs are not sufficiently met, a toddler’s interaction with other people will constantly be an attempt to manipulate them to fulfill his needs. This child is typically left with a TV as a babysitter for long periods of time and develops poor social skills when he begins to associate with his peers.

Paradoxically, it is the giving and nurturing of a child which allows his to become a giving and nice person.

We all know narcissistic adults who are only capable of seeing the world through their own selfish viewpoint. These are the people that get insulted easily, manipulate others to do their wishes- often using guilt-trips, and ‘kiss-up’ to those that are on a higher socio-economic level than themselves.

In essence, narcissistic adults are unknowingly trying to get the love, attention, and nurturing that they lacked in their childhood.

Now, what does all this have to do with whether I should buy my teenage daughter a new Jaguar or not?

There are only two types of spoiling:

1) Alternating between not giving a child enough and then giving much too much.

Example: A jet-setting father who spends more time overseas than at home will purchase expensive gifts to compensate for the lack of attention he gives his child.

2) Giving to a child because of your insecurity and need for the child to depend upon you.

Example: An unconfident mother will buy her newlywed daughter a home and furnishings so that she maintains a feeling of usefulness, not because of heartfelt generosity.

There is no direction booklet which states “the appropriate framework of gift-giving to children without crossing the border of spoiling is giving the amount of the square-root of their age multiplied by the median income in a five-mile radius of your home each calendar month.”

Ironically, the way to inoculate your children from being needy, narcissist adults is by giving to them in a consistent and age-appropriate manner.

If the majority of their classmates have it, your child should have it- or at least a means of earning it.

Even though you walked to school five miles, and it was uphill both ways, and it took you a year to save enough for a beat-up bicycle- if all the kids in the neighborhood are riding bikes, get one for your kid.

If you live in a neighborhood or school district where children are given extravagant things, you may want to rethink your place of living as your children get older and begin to understand “keeping up with the Jones”.

By far, the most essential gift you can give your child is love, which children spell T-I-M-E!

Bedtime can be considered a significant ‘trunk’ of your child’s ‘tree’- from where many other ‘branches’ - or issues - emerge.

Well-rested children will perform better scholastically, be in a happier frame of mind, and generally more cooperative than their tired and irritable counterparts. (I know, that’s not news to you!)

By breaking down the bigger picture of “bedtime” into smaller bite-sized pieces, we can help our children have a good night’s rest on a regular basis.

There are three factors that can hinder a smooth bedtime: Inborn tendencies, habits, and environment. Let’s examine each aspect and outline some ideas to move toward calmer evenings for your family.

Inborn tendencies: Some people are truly born to be “night people”. That is not to say that they cannot get to sleep at a reasonable hour, it simply means that additional strategies will be required to do so.

If your child is a “night child” it is recommend that you help him out by adhering to a consistent wake-up schedule. That can be challenging during weekends and vacations, however sleep experts consistently stress the value of waking up the same time each day for children as well as adults.

Realize that you cannot change his nature, and if he gets a “second-wind” during the evening, you will fight a losing battle by attempting to squash his nocturnal energy. You want to recognize his tendencies and manipulate the family’s habits and environment to be more conducive to helping him settle down during bedtime.

Habits: Some children are more prone to reactions of stimulating foods than others. Experts recommend that you limit stimulating foods such as sugar and caffeine at least four hours prior to going to sleep.

Many children are sensitive to stimulating activities, so take note of your child to see if he is able to go to sleep more easily when you avoid energetic activities after dinner-time. Make the conscious effort to incorporate board games, puzzles, arts-and-crafts projects, and reading books into your child’s evening routine, rather than playing ball, jumping on the trampoline, or other pillow-fights.

Environment: Take careful note of your home’s evening environment. If there is a lot of noise, activities, and interesting things happening, your child will understandably be reluctant to go to bed calmly. A small home, or several children with varying bedtimes sharing a room, will compound the issue and deserves additional strategies and ideas.

We used a white-noise machine for Joey when he was younger, and a very sensitive sleeper. The small investment at the Sharper Image provided valuable hours of quiet time, and that machine was worth its weight in gold! A fan or air-conditioner can accomplish the same result.

Children are keenly aware of their parents’ moods, and will virtually always pick up on stress and worry their parents are experiencing- even without it having been verbally expressed. This is a good time to remind yourself that you are doing your family a favor, not just you, by addressing your personal needs, so that you can maintain a relaxed atmosphere.

You can engage your child in a discussion of which environmental factors are hindering his ability to settle down, and brainstorm together for methods of reducing or eliminating some of these factors. Perhaps your child can fall asleep in a different room and be moved later. You may want to acquire a white-noise machine, or change the timing of noisy activities or appliances being run.

We have a laundry chute in Ben’s bedroom, which is terrific for organizing dirty clothing, however the sounds of the washer and dryer waft straight up into his bedroom. Therefore, I do my best to time my laundry activities for times other than bedtime.

An additional benefit of parents identifying the environmental reasons for bedtime issues is that it will switch the problem from being a lack of discipline on the part of the child, to outside, environmental factors. Once the child is no longer being blamed for bedtime battles, the stage is set for a renewed atmosphere of cooperation between parent and child.

Professional sleep counselors also advise a warm bath prior to bedtime, as it will generally induce a state of drowsiness. Calming scents, such as lavender oils or chamomile tea are also known to be soothing and relaxing.

Bedtime, in its calm glory, can be an ideal bonding time for you and your child. It can be a source of comfort for your child to have several minutes of attention at the end of the day, without interruptions, where he can tell you about his day, his plans for tomorrow, and his dreams.

Many children who are resistant to physical touch during the daytime, will respond with affection to bedtime hugs and kisses.

I hope that these suggestions will help you to have smoother and happier bedtimes!

Sweet dreams!

We Are More Than Beautiful

46 Real Teens Speak Out about Beauty, Happiness, Love and Life

by Woody Winfree

The new book, We Are More Than Beautiful for teen girls is the latest addition to the work of the I Am Beautiful Project, an initiative committed to producing creative and educational works that encourage personal growth and discovery for women and girls of all ages.

Author, Woody Winfree says the project’s mission is simple: to create a world in which every woman and girl can proudly proclaim, “I AM BEAUTIFUL!”

What is the I Am Beautiful Project all about? It is about changing the definition of beauty in our culture – one girl at a time, one woman at a time. Quite dramatically, the mass media has chipped away at our sense of beauty and well-being by presenting a singular, narrow and distorted image of female beauty: super-thin bodies, topped by large, perky breasts, with flawless youthful faces surrounded by shiny bouncy hair –and of course, sparkly white, perfectly straight teeth! This suggestion of beauty is not only wrong, it is a LIE. In truth, only three percent of the U.S. female population has the genetic makeup to look like this ideal. That means 97% of us are spending billions of dollars, untold hours of our lives and huge amounts of happiness in an attempt to pursue this distorted ideal.

In sum, the I Am Beautiful Project is about books and films, and workshops and seminars — and anything else I might think to create along the way – that help guide women and girls to change their perspective about the definition of beauty. Beauty is NOT the size of our waists, or the cascade of our hair. Rather, beauty is the sum of our talents, accomplishments, intellect, contribution to our families and communities, and every other measure of living a life that deeply matters.

Where did the idea of this project come from? With the creation of my first book for women, I Am Beautiful – A Celebration of Women, the hope was to give our daughters – mine and yours and every other American girl — a tangible work that they could hold onto. To expose them to images of women that are as real, interesting, diverse and beautiful as real women are. The success of this first book (that is now available in a gift edition), naturally led to creating a book just for girls: We Are More Than Beautiful.

The seed for this work, however, was planted some years before book ideas ever came into my head. When my now 23-year-old daughter was five someone asked me if she could model for a photo-shoot for a leather goods product ad. I thought this would be a fun experience, so off we went. At the time we were living in rural Connecticut. My daughter was a frog-chasing, tree-climbing nature girl almost completely free from the mass media – billboards, magazines, TV, etc. But the second the photographer bent down to take a few test shots, my little nature-girl struck a provocative pose of hip out, lips pouting and a come-hither stance, while her dumb-struck mother looked on! Where could she possibly have learned to do this? Why did she think that this is the natural relationship that a woman has with the camera? I came to believe that her weekly journey through the gauntlet of fashion magazines on the grocery check-out aisle is where she learned this “un-truth.”

Tell me about the new teen book. Who is in it? Where are they from? What stories do they tell – and how is this important to other girls who read the book? The girls in the book are ages 12 to 19, from all walks of American life, facing and exploring all types of issues with self-acceptance and self-esteem. Each girl responded to my query – “Tell me why you are beautiful.” At once, every story is unique to the individual girl’s experience, but universal to the experience of American girls everywhere. Each girl is presented with her picture in an artistically graphic and colorful layout over two pages. This presentation is, not only contemporary and exciting to girls raised in the most visually stimulating culture ever but, affords the reader to enter fully into each girls’ “world” and experience her journey of claiming her beauty.

Bottom line, experiencing other girls’ stories is important because it supports, helps and guides the reader to learn how to ask and answer that question for herself. The book creates a classical “peer” environment for sharing information, even trading secrets in a safe, supportive way. It also teaches girls to learn that they have a “right” to their sense of beauty and how to formulate conversations with their own friends on the subject.

Can the book be used by mothers with their daughters? Absolutely! My hope is that mothers and daughters will read it together and use its stories as a springboard for ongoing conversations. Conversations about:

Proof positive of this is seen in my own two daughters. Because I have been working on projects related to this subject for more than 10 years, my daughters have been raised on a nutritious and bountiful “diet” of ways to define their beauty. Like any belief or idea that one is exposed to, affirmative ideas of who they are have shaped how they see themselves. Further, 1,000 “teaching moments” over dinner conversation or watching TV or looking at magazines, have raised their awareness of how and why the media diminishes women. And, knowledge is power. Oh sure, they have “bad hair” days and times when they are knocked off their stride – just like we all do. But at their core, they have a deeper sense of self and an expansive measure of their worth to draw on. This is the gift I work to share – one girl at a time, one woman at a time.

Why do you believe that naming our beauty is so essential? When we give “voice” to anything, ascribe literal words to a thought or idea, a major shift begins to take place. It might be ever so subtle in the beginning, but in time the act evolves into a concrete declaration of fact. I also believe that we deserve to know and feel our beauty. I believe it is our right, our spiritual right. Can we reach our full potential in this one precious life we have been honored with if we are chasing an artificial ideal of our self-worth? This is the ultimate question that we must ask ourselves – and guide our young daughters looking up to us to do the same.

What else are you up to with the I Am Beautiful Project? I speak frequently to various audiences of women and girls on this subject. From colleges and universities around the country to high schools, at companies and more. These seminars and workshops are designed to dig deeper into the issues we have explored in this interview. These events are listed on my website: www.iambeautiful.com

There is a theory among overprotective parents that the ideal way of ensuring our children’s safety is to watch them vigilantly at every moment. However, not only is it impossible to constantly keep our children in our site, it is educationally an incorrect method of raising children. Teens and school-age children require a certain amount of privacy and freedom in order to properly mature and learn responsibility.

Many parents are afraid of talking to children about issues of abuse, marriage, and the facts of life. However, just like giving a child a bitter-tasting yet necessary medication, parents must not abdicate their responsibility and avoid discussions which may be uncomfortable. Done correctly, speaking to children about intimate topics will create a warm and loving bond.

We all talk to our children about safety with regard to crossing the street. No parent is remiss in talking to their children about food, water, and fire safety. Discussions about personal safety ought to be approached with the same vibe. Just as you look both ways prior to crossing the street and never go swimming without a lifeguard, so too, you must know that nobody has permission to touch your private parts.

Teach wariness without fear: Just as a child is not anxious about looking left and right before crossing the street, there is no need to inject undue tension into the discussion.

It must be stressed that molesters are often people very close to the child, and it is worthwhile adding that “Nobody has permission to touch the areas covered by your bathing suit” include aunts, uncles, grandparents, teachers, and trusted babysitters. Only a doctor, under the auspices of a parent, can touch private areas.

Give examples of types of touches, and allow your child to elaborate about how those touches make him feel: Chills, hugs, massages, and holding hands.

Role playing is a valuable tool to aid children in the ability to say “No”.

The majority of child molesters are ‘shopping around’ for vulnerable victims and a firm “NO” will generally cause the perpetuator to search elsewhere for another child.

Role-playing and discussions need not be limited to discussions of a child’s private parts, as most abusers do not begin by touching a child’s genitals.

“Tommy, what would you do if Uncle Al tickles you too much and you want him to stop?” - would be a simple opening to begin this discussion.

A child must be secure in the knowledge that his body belongs to him alone, and he has the right to say “no” to any kind of touch that makes him feel uncomfortable, whether it is an aunt’s over-exuberant kisses, an uncle’s incessant tickles, or a neighbor’s suffocating hugs.

“STOP! I don’t like that” is the response that children must know they are always allowed to proclaim.

If the perpetrator of the unwanted touch does not stop, the child should be taught to continue screaming until help arrives. This golden nugget has saved many children from abuse- generally because they had parents that took the time to teach them this concept.

Very often abuse occurs in familiar territory: an unused classroom, the laundry room in the basement, or a deserted area of a playground. Screaming for help will hopefully alert someone within a short period of time.

The concept that ‘my body belongs to me’ is likely to be a novel one for preschoolers who view adults (and ten-year-olds!) as the rulers of their universe. “Might makes right” is what youngsters generally think, and if a grown-up is doing something, then it must be correct.

In summary, catch a teachable moment where you can talk to your children, and thus dramatically increase their chances of not becoming a victim. Speaking about hypothetical situations builds up children’s muscles in order for them to stand up for themselves..

Here are just a few conversation starters:

“What would you do if the babysitter told you that her boyfriend is coming over, but it is a secret and you can’t tell Mom and Dad?”

“Let’s say a teacher gives you a hug that feels yucky, what would you do?”

“What if someone tells you a secret and says that he would hurt you if you tell anyone about it? Would you tell Mom or Dad?”

]]> http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/preventing/feed/ http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/values-versus-pop-culture/ http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/values-versus-pop-culture/#comments Tue, 12 Feb 2008 16:09:06 +0000 Ellen C. Braun Parenting Advice Values & Ethics Words of Inspiration! Controversial Parenting Ideas & Styles http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/values-versus-pop-culture/ No matter where you live and how sheltered you keep your family, Western values are infiltrating our households.

How do you prevent American values (i.e. that beauty, wealth, and power are the keys to happiness and success) from taking hold in your children’s mind?

What is an effective manner to convey that religious and family values are superior to pop culture?

How have you personally managed to hold onto what is real as opposed to what is currently glittering?

Share your thoughts here:

One commenter will randomly be selected to win the new Animal School book http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/book-special-offer.html - we want to hear from YOU!

If you’d look under the children’s beds or in the playrooms of most houses, you might think there is no way to get your kids organized. Stuffed animals have a way of multiplying and covering beds and dressers, game and jigsaw puzzle pieces somehow never make it all back into the box, there’s always a treasured Lego or K’Nex creation that just can’t be cleaned up after all the hard work it took to make it. A multitude of papers come home from school each week. There are also brochures from favorite museums, special photographs, and little treasures like special pens, old coins, pencil toppers, etc., that have a way of filling up drawers.

If you’re like most parents you’d like to find a way to control the clutter, maintain order with the toys, and get your children more involved in the process. There are several easy steps that parents can take to help children become skilled at keeping organized.

Before I tell you how to get organized, I’d like to tell you why it’s important. My children attend a Montessori nursery school. The head teacher shared with me some important reasons to teach children to organize their possessions. If you’ve ever seen a Montessori classroom, it’s full of interesting and delightful activities for children, each stored independently in its own container or on a tray. Presenting the materials in that way helps children develop strong focus and concentration skills. Each container or tray contains one discrete activity that a child can explore and master. When the child is finished using that activity, or wants to do something else, he puts it away and takes out another.

I believe this is a wonderful approach for a playroom or any area where you store children’s activities. We don’t just give children their toys or activities to keep them entertained while we make dinner. Their puzzles, pretend-play toys, coloring books and markers also teach educational skills like counting or spatial relations and even help children to develop motor skills. By encouraging children to use one activity at a time, we hope they’ll learn to master that activity, learn the needed skills and move onto harder puzzles or coloring more elaborate pictures.

This is not to say that children can’t build a nice Lego garage and then bring over all their trucks to park inside. I think that’s wonderful – those are two activities that go nicely together. We just want to organize our play areas in such a way that it encourages a child to follow through on an activity to completion, thereby gaining the skills it imparts.

Another wonderful aspect to Montessori organization is the emphasis on low key décor. The walls are not lined with overwhelming posters, letter charts, pictures of the months, and different colored bulletin boards. Instead, there are some of the children’s artworks, posted at eye level. Shelving is all at the child’s height, made of natural materials and generally in light color. The activities on the shelves really draw children’s attention instead of a distracting décor on the walls. This provides a calm environment to play and learn. Evaluate your playroom to see if you can replace loud, colorful artwork with more natural décor creating a more serene environment where your children can play.

I’d like to share some tips with you on how you can get started organizing with your children. Using the Montessori approach, and some ideas of my own, I’ve provided several tips below broken out for different age groups. To get started, begin with the steps for the age 3-5 group. These are the fundamental steps for the organizational methods I’m recommending. Once you’ve implemented the age 3-5 steps and your household has integrated them, you can go onto the next steps more easily.

Start slow and make it fun and you’ll have greater chances for success!

1. Create the environment.

Once you decide to get your kids started organizing their stuff, your first step will be to set up an organizational system and teach them how to maintain it. De-cluttering is key to making the organizational system work. Once you do it, your children’s playroom and bedrooms will be more serene and livable. To get started, choose items you will get rid of or put in storage, and which items you will keep available. Be sure to rotate your children’s toys in and out of a storage area every few months. When the newly rotated toys or puzzles appear on their shelves, it’s almost as exciting as getting new toys. Be sure to store or give away toys that your children have totally outgrown.

You’ll need to buy the organizational supplies the children will need in to keep their space tidy. Set up child-sized shelving, or even use the bottom shelves of your living room bookcases where your children’s toys will be kept. Be sure your children have a special drawer in a desk or dresser in which to keep all their small odds and ends. In-drawer organizers will help them keep those items orderly.

For children ages 3-5: Put toys that are loose (cars, doll house toys, kitchen toys, etc.) each into their own storage container. Each container should be stored on the toy shelving area you’ve created. Toys with lots of pieces can sometimes be hard for little ones to clean up themselves (Legos, Lincoln Logs). Keep these items on higher shelves so only a parent can take them down for the children to use. This should prevent a messy toy from being dumped out just before leaving for school, or some other occasion when there isn’t much time to clean up.

For children ages 6-8: These children may have lots of collections (coin, sticker, model air plane) school projects and reports, and other odds and ends they want to save. Help them organize their collections into plastic sheet protectors in loose leaf notebooks, artwork should go into an art portfolio stored on a bookshelf or desk drawer, model airplanes can go on higher up shelving in the bedroom or playroom.

For children ages 10 and up: Kids in this age group may also have a lot of papers and documents to store. Desktop and drawer organizers are essential. A file cabinet may even be in order if your child really likes to save his reports and certificates of achievement. Bookshelves for long chapter books, photo albums and school text books will also be important.

2. Set Rules.

Many families allow no more than one toy out at a time. This is mostly to ensure parents don’t face a clean-up nightmare and makes it manageable for children to be responsible for the own mess. Just as in a Montessori class, you will help your children maintain playroom organization by insisting that the first activity must be cleaned up before another activity can be taken out. Set a regular cleanup period required before coming to the next activity, say eating dinner or starting homework. If dinner time is always at 6:00, then cleanup starts at 5:45 each day. Stick to this rule and your children will eventually anticipate the clean up period. They will come to learn that 5:40 is not a smart time to start a major art project or 200 piece puzzle.

Ages 3-5: How many times have you seen your preschoolers halfway finish a puzzle, then build a house out of blocks, and then get caught up coloring before they ever even finished using or cleaning up any of those activities? The one-toy-at-a-time rule will help children gain a bit of focus and concentration by completing one activity before being distracted by another.

Ages 6-8: Sometimes children this age work for hours on one special creation, say an Erector Set robot or massive Lego spaceship. It’s emotionally hard to clean up something that took so much time and effort to build. Create a space where one extra-special creation can be stored. If a child wants to make or save another amazing creation, then the first one must be dismantled and put away before starting another.

Ages 10 and up: Older children may have more elaborate activities: quilting or sewing, building models, scrapbooking, etc. Give them a large storage bin to keep materials, and works-in-progress, so they don’t have to stay out on the dining room table until a weeks-long school or hobby project is completed.

3. A place for everything and everything in its place.

As you and your children create storage areas for your toys and activities, be sure you stick to your plan. You may want to agree that the doll house toys should always be stored in your daughter’s room, with the doll house, unless you and she agree otherwise. Markers, crayons, glue and scissors are always be stored where the children do their art projects. Whatever you decide, stick with it. Consolidate these items from the playroom, children’s desks, and kitchen drawers and keep them in the location you allow the children to color. All materials should be put away exactly where they’re kept so ready to use on the next occasion.

Ages 3-5: Teach these little ones to put their toys, books and shoes, for example, in the same spot every day. If you invoke this rule now, you will have more success applying it when children are old enough and have more things for which to be responsible. Show them a spot in the closet or mud-room where shoes are always kept. Make sure books are always returned back to the proper shelf.

Ages 6-8: These children can put away their clean laundry in the proper drawers and closet spaces, put away their back-pack and coat after school, put dirty laundry in a hamper each day, and hang up their bath towels after a shower. If you see something out of order, it will be easy for a child to fix because he knows where everything goes.

Ages 10 and up: Sometimes a lack of responsibility manifests during these preteen, ‘tween and teen years. If a child has a place to put her house keys, iPod or graphing calculator each day, there is less chance that these items will get lost.

4. Organizational accessories

Containers and storage accessories are critical to managing clutter. From adorable woven baskets to stacking, plastic lidded containers, these items will help children keep their toys and personal items together. If you will need a lot of storage containers then I would opt for rectangular, lidded one that can stack one on top of another. A decorative bulletin board is in the bedroom is a great place for children to keep special photos, ticket stubs from professional sports games, cute pins, a favorite sketch and more.

Ages 3-5: Get some containers this age children can open and close themselves, and some that only parents are nimble enough to open. You’ll want different size containers: small for markers and scissors and larger ones to fit large sets: toy dishes, blocks, train set, etc. You may want to tape a photograph of each toy on the side of its container so your kids will remember where the toy goes when they’re finished.

Ages 6-8: At this age range children are often learning to organize their time and keep track of activities and responsibilities. A wall chart or large desk-top calendar is a great way to help children remember when they need to complete chores (garbage is taken out on Tuesday nights) and assignments (book report due on the Monday the 12^th), and upcoming events (Dina’s birthday party on Sunday at 11:30). You can also use the calendar to teach your children to plan their time. For example, if your son’s book report is due on Monday the 12^th, then teach him to mark on his calendar to finish reading the book by Wednesday the 7^th, allowing ample time to write, illustrate, and edit his report. He’ll learn important skills to prevent him from becoming a “crammer” and last-minute worker as he gets older.

Ages 10 plus: Children in this age group often have a many different activities and responsibilities to keep track of: multiple school assignments, study groups, baby-sitting, sports practice, lawn-mowing jobs and more. Explore together with your child to find the electronic organizer or paper-based calendar system (Day-timer, for example) that will help her be most successful at keeping track of assignments and activities. They are also old enough to maintain their own phone and address books.

5. Motivational charts and rewards.

It’s important to give positive reinforcement to keep your new household organizational system going! Children thrive on their parents’ approval, so be sure to show them how proud you are of their efforts to keep organized and follow the new organizational rules you’ve set up. Hopefully after just a month or two the new system will be integrated into your home routine and you won’t have to continue with the motivational charts anymore.

Ages 3-5: Just give a big smile with a hug and kiss or even a little cookie as a reward. If your daughter needs even more motivation, make a sticker chart for her. Each time she puts something back where it belongs (even if you remind her once or twice) give her a sticker on a chart. When she finishes each line on the chart, give her a small reward, like a sheet of stickers, a super bouncy ball or a magnet. When she finishes the whole chart, give her a bigger reward, like a new pack of markers or a pretty new hair band.

Ages 6-8: This is really the ideal age for sticker charts. You might need bigger prizes for rewards. Give your son a deck of playing cards or a matchbox car for each line he finishes, and a special trip just with Mom or Dad, out for ice cream or a pizza lunch when he finishes the whole chart.

Ages 10 plus: As kids get bigger, so do their reward expectations. A sticker chart might be too babyish for children in this age range, but you can still reward them for sticking with your new organizational program. Add an extra two or three dollars to their weekly allowance for keeping their room and possessions organized. Commend your daughter for a job well done and buy her a special CD or pair of earrings for consistently maintaining her possessions in the organizational system you created.

As you begin implementing organizational improvements with your children, remember to that it’s important to start small. You can’t make all the above changes at once. Pick the area where your daughter is struggling most and start there. Is she late turning in schoolwork? So start by helping her organize her time. Once she’s mastered some time management techniques, you can work on organizing her desk and personal possessions.

Also, be sure to set the example. You have to practice what you preach. If your kitchen counters and bookshelves are cluttered and disorganized, then your children probably won’t be convinced of the importance of being organized. Take the opportunity to make a family project out of becoming more organized. Make a yard sale out of all old toys, furniture, electronic and other the clutter you’re ridding yourselves of. (When I first heard my own four-year-old daughter say to me, “Mommy did you sell that toy?” I felt a little guilty at first. Now I know that I’m actually teaching her great skills and showing her that we need not be too attached to all things only to those that are most important.) Go out for a fun family outing with the proceeds you make.

Happy Organizing!

By: Rivka Slatkin

Rivka Slatkin is the founder of the DECORganize method, combining organizing and decorating for those want to get organized and stay that way! For more information on how the DECORganize method can assist you, go to www.organizeanddecorate.com

… NOT in the mornings!

This week, we are going to incorporate a new habit into our lives. The purpose of this particular habit is to make our children’s living more pleasant and to give them the emotional tools that they need to develop and maintain healthy and happy relationships.

Let us begin with the premise that the morning sets the tone remainder of the day. We all know that ‘waking up on the wrong side of the bed’ can forecast the beginning of a troublesome day, so the opposite must hold true as well: a pleasant morning will foretell the wonderful afternoon that is ahead!

Before you call Child Protection Services about RaisingSmallsouls’ promotion of yelling at your children in the afternoons, read on!

This year, in 2008, we are making real, lasting changes. Like losing weight, mining for gold, or mastering a musical instrument, all things of value take time. (Granted, that is a difficult concept in this instant-day-and-age!)

Thus, the title ‘Yell at Your Kids in the Afternoon’ is not actually condoning screaming in the afteroons; rather it is a provocative statement meant to draw you towards the concept of creating happier mornings. (Ok, you knew that- however it needed to be stated in order to deter lawsuits!)

For the rest of this month, RaisingSmallSouls parents are going to actively create a joyful morning atmosphere in their homes.

Here a couple of ‘Rise & Shine’ ideas to get you and your children off to a brighter start!

1) Create a hot breakfast meal together: Have your children help you make blueberry pancakes, whole-grain waffles, or a berry-and-milk-smoothie.

2) Tell a story from your childhood: My children’s favorites are the ones about losing my passport in a foreign country and capsizing in a rowboat. (I suppose hearing about Mom being in a vulnerable situation is always a hit!)

3) Using old magazines and photos of your child create a collage together. Themes like sports, favorite things, and places we want to visit are just a few of the many sources of inspiration you can use for this simple yet memorable project.

4) Institute a ‘calm voices’ rule for the mornings. Define when the morning period ends- perhaps when breakfast is over, beds are made, or school starts. Feel free to say, after a tennis ball has shattered your lamp, “I’m feeling upset, so I’m going in to my room alone for a few minutes to calm down so that I don’t shout at you.” What a wonderful message you will be sharing about controlling outbursts!
This week we are ‘doing good’ and ‘straying from bad’ in the mornings: No raised voices, and more joint fun activities.

Share what has worked for you below, and MAKE IT A GREAT DAY

Would you attempt a cross-country drive without a single gallon of gas in your car’s tank?

At the risk of stating the obvious, nobody in their right mind would try to take a trip in a vehicle that lacks fuel!

Then, why, OH WHY, do so many of us attempt one of the world’s most difficult endeavors without any fuel???

Perhaps rocket scientists or brain surgeons may argue that their job is harder, but I beg to differ: Parenting children in this day and age has got to be the most challenging (and, hopefully, rewarding!) job in the world.

Just like the minivan without gas, or the Everest-climber missing his equipment, or my son’s remote-controlled car without batteries- we parents cannot accomplish much when we are running on empty.

Have you snapped at your child lately or otherwise demonstrated an undisciplined lack of patience?

(Yup, me too…)

The vast majority of the times that we ‘slipped’ we were tired, hungry, angry, or otherwise disturbed.

That’s a reason, not an excuse!

Now, that doesn’t mean that we have free reign to yell at our kids just because we’re stressed out!

What it does mean is that we MUST take responsibility for our irritability and impatience.

How can a harried, exhausted mom expect to serve dinner with the same serenity as a relaxed, content dad?

Now that we have established that parents must be ‘fueled-up’ in order to raise their small souls, what type of ‘gasoline’ ought to be used?

Well, there’s a choice at the pump: 87, 89, or 93!

Fuel 87) Physical exercise.

Paradoxically as it may seem, exercise actually gives you more energy. Endorphins, the ‘feel-good’ hormones are released for sixteen hours after your work out. Think of exercise as the natural alternative to Prozac- it just makes you happier and calmer!

Be a better parent- an extraordinarily, fabulously more effective parent this year- and add 30-NON-NEGOTIABLE minutes of exercise to your day, every day!

If you absolutely don’t have time, make the time! Turn it into an activity that involves your children. Try a dance or aerobics DVD with your child- my boys love to jump and laugh along with me! All youngsters love stability balls, light dumbbells, and steppers!

Here are 2 of my absolute FAVORITE DVD’s: Tight on Time & Quick Fix!

Fuel 89) Friendship.

As a busy parent, you are quite concerned about your child’s social life, birthday parties, and never-ending play-dates.

However, when was the last time you scheduled a grown-up play-date?

Having frequent contact with good friends will improve your physical and emotional health, and breathe a fresh ray of sunshine into your daily life.

MEET A FRIEND this week, and watch out for that extra bounce in your step!

Fuel 93) A Hobby.

Before you skip this section because you think you do not have any hobbies, you can replace the title with “stuff I like”.

There’s a good chance that you spend an enormous amount of time, money, and energy providing things that your child likes, while you forget about what YOU like!

When was the last time you played your favorite sport, created a beloved craft project, or read a good book? Try to recall the activities that gave you a ‘high’ before you were a parent, and then schedule them back into your life; it will transform you into a new-and-improved parent.

~~~~~

So, there you have it- all the ‘gas’ that a mom or dad needs, just to turn the ignition and begin the journey.

Just as nobody experiences guilt when they gas up their car for a trip, there ought not be any feelings of guilt when you take the time to fulfill your own needs!

Once you are properly fueled, you’ll need more provisions for your cross-country trip: food, a map, a GPS system, oil, and windshield wiper fluid- to name a few. Stay tuned for coming RaisingSmallSouls articles for more ‘equipment’ on your parenting journey!

Therefore, I had a lot of time to think.

Without anything available to distract me, worries pushed themselves to the forefront of my mind:  Health concerns, financial challenges, and the ultimate anxiety-provoking question- Am I a good enough parent?

I thumbed through the pop-culture magazines in a nearby rack, however the latest Hollywood gossip couldn’t quite capture my attention.  As the bubbles of medication continued to drip through the catheter, I tried to catch a few zzz’s, but the nurse kept checking my vitals every thirty minutes, thus sleep seemed to be a pretty futile pursuit.

So, I grabbed a pen to jot down a couple of thoughts- polished them up a bit, and here they are!

If you expend quite a bit of energy on excessive worry, read on!  If you don’t, pat yourself on the back, and share your tips below!

From the moment we bring our baby home from the hospital, and place our hand over his angelic face to check on his breathing, parental worry begins.

We worry when they learn to ride a bike, start roller-blading around the neighborhood, and take driving lessons.  We have all experienced the heart-stopping anxiety when we nearly lost our child in a busy shopping center.  Every cough and each fever is yet another reason for deep fear and endless worry.

The holidays are a terrific time for additional worry; too much sugar, not enough sleep, too many parties, and video-game addictions!

Here a few tried-and-true tips to eliminate the majority of your worries:

1)  Recognize that some problems are out of your sphere of influence.

If you can do nothing about a specific problem, then it is no longer a problem, it is a ‘situation’.  When you refer to something as a ‘problem’, you are implying that a solution is possible.

The best example is the weather.

Why lie awake worrying about a party that is scheduled for the same evening as the snow storm?  Assuming that you have made all reasonable arrangements, know that further worry about the climate can only aggravate yourself and your loved ones!

2)  Accept that the human condition is such that problems are a part of life.

We have all met people who will be happy as soon as this circumstance has changed or that situation has ended.

Understand that your job is to solve problems to the best of your ability, and to learn to live with the unsolvable ones!  The ‘Serenity Prayer’ comes to mind:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

3)  Let the bygones be bygones.

Look at life like as an hourglass.  The sand at the top is the future, and the sand at the bottom represents the past.  The tiny point in the middle- where the sand is currently passing- is the present.

We can learn from the past, yet we can never change it.  “I should have, I could have” thoughts promote stress about an impossible feat- changing the actions of the past.  The energy that is utilized by reliving old mistakes can drain us of the energy which is necessary to be applied to the present time.

4)  Don’t create “self-fulfilling prophecies” with needless worrying.  It is possible to bring about certain situations by thinking and obsessing about them.

You may start to read nonexistent meaning into certain situations and have your confidence plummet by imagining the worst scenario over and over again.

Replace the negative “what if” thought with a new hobby, plans for an upcoming party, or anything which requires your intense concentration.  You can’t think about two diverse subjects at the same time, so the solution is to find a replacement thought, rather that to attempt to vanquish the “what if” worry on its own.

A final parting thought:  Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow; it only saps today of its strength.

What about you? Do you push yourself to the limits during the holidays? You’re not alone. For busy parents, being maxed out on both time and energy is already your normal state. Add on all the things we do during the holidays, and you’ve got a recipe for overload.

This year, I want to share with you some ways to not just survive the holidays, but be invigorated, refreshed, and renewed by them. My Twelve Holiday Tips for Balance and Harmony will help you navigate the holiday season with greater ease, less stress, and more time to enjoy, perhaps more than you have in a long time.

1. First and foremost, take care of yourself.

Did I say first? YES! When we need to cut corners, the first thing to go is our own self-care. But taking care of yourself needs to be at the top of your list. Get enough sleep. Eat well, and on time. Sip water throughout the day. Stay active. Take a moment every so often to breathe.

2. Sort out what matters most — and what doesn’t — in your holiday season.

Chances are there are some things you do every year that you don’t need to or even really want to be doing. Throw those out the window! These can be little things or big things. Your choice! You can only do so much, so save your time and energy for the things that are really important to you.

3. Decide what your “keepers” are for this holiday season.

Look inward and decide what kind of holiday is just right for your family. What are the most important things to YOU this holiday season? There are no right or wrong answers here! Choose the things that are meaningful to you and your family, and focus on those the most.

4. Be imperfect! And love it!

We all know we’re not perfect. But we often spend valuable mental and emotional energy wishing we could do things better. This is especially true around the holidays, when we’re bombarded with images of the model family, the ideal kids, the perfect dinner, the museum-quality home decor. We hold ourselves to impossibly high standards. Take the pressure off yourself. What if you were to actually celebrate what you formerly saw as your shortcomings? The imperfect parts of your holiday could even become some of your best memories.

5. Give a gift to yourself.

This doesn’t have to cost a thing. How about giving yourself a gift certificate? Something like: this certificate entitles the bearer to a nice warm bath. Or a cup of coffee with a friend. An uninterrupted half-hour to devote to your hobby. A night off from household chores. A walk in a nearby park. A book from the library to read — for fun. Whatever gift(s) you give yourself, no guilt allowed! Enjoy your gift to yourself fully, knowing that you work hard, and you deserve it.

6. Spend special time with your child.

This one of the most precious parts of any holiday. Yet parents have told me that sometimes a holiday goes by so fast, they don’t feel like they have time to really connect with their kids. Or that they never seem to get a chance to share the true meaning of the holiday with their kids. Or that they’re so busy trying to keep their kids busy and behaving, that they’ve got little energy left for much else.

Try this: choose in advance a particular time during the day when you and your child will spend some special time together. By consciously setting aside a piece of the day that you can purely enjoy with your kids, you’ll be making space for meaningful holiday moments and cherished memories that will last a lifetime.

7. Choose one tradition per holiday that brings your family together for a moment of joy, reflection, fun, relaxation, or just plain silliness.

Traditions are important — but a holiday can be so jam-packed with activity that the whole day can whiz by with no time to slow down. Make room in your day for one tradition that lets you simply enjoy each other’s company for a time — in a way that’s uninterrupted and just right for your family.

8. Get help.

Delegate as much as you can this holiday season. Ask yourself two questions:

• WHAT tasks can you delegate?
• WHO can you delegate the tasks to?

Once you get going on this, you’ll amaze yourself with how creative you can get at getting help! You’ll also be pleasantly surprised at how delegating even the smallest errand, task, or responsibility can give you a big boost in your time and energy.

9. Nevermind what other people think.

The holidays are full of moments when we wonder what other people must be thinking, whether we’re out in public or with friends or even family. Parents of children with special needs report that this is one of the hardest things they have to deal with. I want to encourage you to let go of what other people think. As a parent, your choices are yours and you make them for a reason. You and your family are who you are. No explanations necessary.

10. Take little time-outs when you can.

If you can get a morning to yourself, an afternoon on your own, or a night out, go for it! But it’s hard for many parents of children with special needs to get big chunks of free time. So take little mini-breaks when you can, even when you feel like you have enough on your to-do list to keep busy every second of every day.

11. Try something new.

Studies show that when people are in the habit of trying something new every so often, they feel better mentally, physically, and emotionally. Why not try something new this holiday season? Keep it simple. A new flavor of tea? A different outdoor game after the big dinner? I could go on, but I’ll let you come up with your own ways to put a little of the zing of something new into your holiday this year.

12. Be present.

The more special the day, the more it tends to go by in a flash. Slow it down a little, savor it, cherish it. Now and then, take a moment to stop and really look at and listen to whomever and whatever is around you. Take the day off mentally and emotionally. Give yourself the permission and the freedom to truly enjoy the special moments of the day.

Joan Celebi is the Special Needs Parent Coach, helping you conquer the chaos and create a more manageable, balanced life. Get her FREE “Guide to the Ten Essentials of Balance and Harmony,” and her FREE newsletter with tips and strategies for balanced living — all for parents of children with special needs — at www.SpecialNeedsParentCoach.com

The Art of Reframing

It’s not just for artists and professional framers.

Reframing is a psychological tool that can simply transform your life. I know, it sounds pretty cliché, however- it’s the truth.

The other day I was parked in our 5-speed Nissan Sentra facing the playing field outside of my children’s school when I had a premonition of a tragedy about to occur. As I scanned the grass for signs of my boys, my car seemed to move forward with a mind of its own- straight into the students’ busy game of dodge ball! Adrenalin raced through my blood as I futilely slammed on the foot brake while simultaneously jerking the emergency brake upwards- all to no avail, as my car veered dangerously closer to the children.

I know that stick-shift cars (if you’ve ever driven one, you can certainly relate) tend to roll, so I pulled the emergency brake up even higher, and then I realized that my car wasn’t going anywhere at all; rather the minivan on my left was backing out of its parking spot, and the optical illusion made me feel that my car had been moving forward.

Thankfully, that terrifying scare was simply an illusion- an incident that appeared all-too-real, yet with the benefit of hindsight and clarity of vision, was obviously nothing to be afraid of.

That got me thinking- how many times does it happen that we are afraid of something that seems imminently real and totally frightening, depressing, or frustrating- which later turns out to have been not much more significant than my optical illusion in the parking lot?

There’s a famous line that coaches and mentors often use; “Will it matter in five or ten years?”

A tremendous amount of wisdom is implied by that question.

How many of the things that we have done 5 or ten years ago would we have eliminated if we had truly thought about the consequences of our actions? Personally, I’m feeling far too embarrassed to answer such a question publicly!

There’s a statistic I once read which stated that your child will confide in you at the age of seventeen 10% of what he’d shared with you at age seven.

With that in mind, it wouldn’t it be prudent to look ahead and create more bonding moments with our children?

Five years from now will it matter that the kitchen floor remained a bit sticky for an additional day because we chose to look through old photo albums with our kids one evening?

Ten years from now will we look back with regret that we lost out on a good night’s sleep because we took a family trip?

When we look at the big picture, the little things simply fade away as though they were meaningless optical illusions.

Let’s plan ahead, as we make parenting choices this holiday season, with vision and clarity!

P.S.  Feel free to share any holiday questions or concerns about parenting during this joyous season below- so we can address them in the coming weeks:)

Yesterday I noticed a bumper sticker in my dentist’s parking lot which read, “Progress, not perfection.”

Hundreds of examples of how to apply that motto to childrearing rushed through my head as I made my way past that shiny sedan.

Although most of those ideas flew right out of my brain by the time I got to the keyboard, I’m happy to be able to share what I can recall;)

Have you ever heard that if Christopher Columbus had invested one cent into a fund that yielded compound interest in 1492, that account would now be worth over $95 billion?

The moral, in this case, is obviously that ‘baby steps’ work.

Just because you can’t change the world (or yourself, or your spouse, or your child) does not mean that you ought not make the incremental changes that can accomplish a tremendous amount.

Let’s take a simple example of a positive family change:

“I will stop raising my voice in my communication with my children.”

What a wonderful, commendable resolution that is.

Realistically, it may last for two days, two weeks, or perhaps two months if we are particularly soft-tempered!

The general pattern of events is that certain levels of frustration result in shouting, which, in turn, will result in giving up on the above-mentioned resolution.

A roughly translated quote from an ancient sage reads, “He who grabs all is left with none.”

How aptly that describes our typical involvement in effecting positive changes.

As humans, we tend to reach for the stars. Thus, our failure to achieve those fantastic expectations results in discouragement.

Let’s try a new strategy, a strategy of progress.

How differently would the atmosphere my household radiate if I cut down on the number of times I raise my voice- without altogether pledging to eliminate any and all shouting?

Like Columbus’s proverbial penny, little changes add up to great transformations.

A small, positive shift in our behavior is likely to create a pleasant ripple of change through our family life.

Find two or three minutes of solitude, and ask yourself this: What can I do to make my child’s life a better one?

Additional quality time, more patience during mealtime, taking up a joint hobby, reading a book together- are just a few of the ideas that suddenly come to mind.

Figure out the concept that will work best for you and your child, and commit yourself to create progress- not perfection!

Happy parenting- the job where perfection is always elusive!

Here’s a terrific and thought-provoking book:

Parenting From the Inside Out “This is not just a book for those committed to being the best possible parents they can be.  Parenting From the Inside Out is for anyone committed to a continued and deeper understanding of the human phsyche.”  - Michele Pheiffer, mother and actress

When was the last time that you saw modern-day movie where the hero or heroine was happy to be in an impoverished and uncomfortable state?

Advertisers play upon this unspoken rule by convincing us that pain need not be felt; there is always an extra-strength pill to pop which will eliminate the inconvenience of any kind of discomfort.

Food, entertainment, and the pursuit of wealth are some of the ‘drugs’ we may find ourselves using to avoid dealing with loneliness, stressed relationships, or other painful experiences.

Please don’t get me wrong. I am definitely a comfort fan as I sit here typing in my leather ergonomic office chair wearing sheepskin-lined clogs.

Yet, it behooves us to ask:

What are the long-term side effects of raising children in a comfort-obsessed culture?

On the surface, all that glitters is gold, and giving our children a pleasant and pain-free childhood may seem to be the ultimate goal while raising small souls.

However, it doesn’t take a brain surgeon to realize that growing up with a silver spoon in his mouth will make our son less equipped to deal with the reality of life.

The fact of the matter is that disappointments happen. Wealth can insulate people against certain misfortunes, but the nature of life is such that nobody gets an easy ride all the way from cradle to grave.

Everybody gets rejected at some point- either by a college, girlfriend, potential boss, or a myriad of other institutions.

Although we’d like to, we know that it is impossible to shield our children from rejection forever. And from illnesses, stressful relationships, and broken heating systems during an ice storm at midnight of a weekend holiday when all the plumbers in town are away. (Yes, that was me last December- and it taught me a valuable, though freezing, lesson!)

We want the best for our children. A simple calculation will reveal that ‘the best’ does not mean providing endless comfort and pleasure for our offspring. Rather, ‘the best’ will be fortifying our children with the mental fortitude to effectively handle the ups- as well as the downs- of life.

There is no denying that it is extremely challenging to say “no” to our children. Perhaps we are attempting to compensate for our own childhood, where “no” was doled out with too much frequency. Or, we have the means and the time to give our child the coveted item of the fifth grade for this week. Witness any harried parent at the candy-laden checkout counter with a child in the front of her shopping cart. Saying “no” can be downright embarrassing!

Yet, we are all familiar with adults who are self-centered and narcissistic- they are the ones who blow up in a volcanic eruption each time things don’t quite go their way. Perhaps you had a boss or neighbor who radiated tension when uncontrollable things (think: the weather) went awry. That is certainly not the kind of person we want our child to become!

So, the next time your child says, “Everyone else is going there…” or, “I really neeeeeeed this thing!!!” – think about it just once more.

The timing may be right to give your daughter a gift or to treat your son to something special.

Or the timing may not be quire right.

You be the judge.

Happy parenting- where there are no cut-and-dry-rules!

Probably not. And neither would I.

How about if the subject was antique marble collecting? Or ancient Chinese weaving techniques?

The point is:

We cannot teach that which we do not know.

It seems so obvious, yet we may often overlook this concept while raising our children.

Do any of the following sound familiar?

“Do your schoolwork before you play!” or, “Clean up your room!” or, “You forgot your homework again?!? You’re lucky your head is attached or you’d forget that!”

Let’s look a bit more closely at this specific characteristic of responsibility, and see if we can instill it in our children more effectively.

Just as we cannot teach your child about a foreign subject that we know nothing about, similarly, it is impossible to teach our children to be responsible without modeling that very trait.

Ask yourself about your habits: Do you accomplish the necessary domestic duties prior to relaxing, or do you find yourself on the couch at a time when you ought to be heating up dinner? Do you regularly pay your bills in a timely manner, or do you procrastinate and get whacked with late fees? Do you wake in the morning with time to spare, in order to facilitate a calm morning, or do you hit ‘snooze’ until the last possible moment and then rush around like crazy?

Many habits can be changed with just 5-7 days of consecutive willpower; and after that initial week the new routine won’t even seem hard anymore!

As a result of our ability to overcome a specific lack of efficiency, we will be in a stronger position to help our children grow in their level of responsibility.

Can you find an area where personal change will undoubtedly aid your child’s development? Post your thoughts below!

Let’s keep remembering: We can only teach that which we know!

Happy. Sad.

Most youngsters can recognize these feelings from a very early age.

However, what about the myriad of other feelings that pop up within our hearts?

Anger. Loneliness. Excitement. Jealousy. Worry. Disappointment. Anticipation

The ability to express and recognize our emotions has a tremendous impact on our lives.

Our ability to communicate with others is vastly improved; which, in turn, will boost our social and professional life.

Recognition of our feelings helps us cope with the inevitable bumps in the road we call ‘life’.

One of the greatest gifts you, as a parent, can give your child- is to teach your child the language of emotions. Your youngster will grow up to be a far better spouse, parent, and employee if he can understand and verbalize emotions.

Emotional vocabulary is the first step:

- Matching facial expressions with emotions beyond the standard ’sad’ and ‘happy’. Example: Now Mom looks angry; Dad looks surprised. The ability to identify and name the emotion gives the chld ownership of the feeling, which will help her cope with it when the time comes.

Identifying emotional expressions is the second step:

- In addition to facial expressions, body language can communicate a feeling. Actions and words also convey emotions. When a child can connect a specific emotion to specific gestures or actions, he can better understand what other people are feeling. Example: When Mom is pacing with the phone, she is busy; if Dad is raising his voice, he is feeling angry.

Understanding the causes and effects of emotions is the third step:

- As parents, we often strive to teach our children natural causes. If you forget your homework at home, the teacher will be disappointed. If you place your glass at the edge of the table, it is likely to spill. Similarly, there are emotional rules: Jealousy always has a source; disappointment can be traced to a specific cause. Example: Because I wasn’t careful with the appliance, it broke and I am upset. Or, as a result of my persistence in a certain endeavor, I have accomplished a lot and feel proud of myself.

Helpful hints:

Make it a habit to identify emotions by name:

“Oh, my, you must be livid that Mom went shopping without you!”

“You seem to be feeling satisfied.”

“You can’t decide which one to choose? Sometimes I also feel undecided.”

“I was so worried when the carpool did not bring you home. Were you worried while you were waiting for such a long time?”

Keep in mind:

Our job as parents is not to ensure our children’s happiness.

Rather, our role is to provide our children with the tools that they need to deal life’s ups and downs.

By teaching our children the language of emotions, and sharpening their awareness of feelings, we will help them cope with whatever curve balls life may throw, and better relate to those around them.

]]> http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/all-about-emotions/feed/ http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/juggling/ http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/juggling/#comments Wed, 12 Sep 2007 19:07:24 +0000 Ellen C. Braun Parenting Advice Values & Ethics Words of Inspiration! Problem Solving http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/juggling/ Every busy parent knows that life is a continuous juggling act in the midst of a three-ring-circus.  Trust me, I have three little boys, each of whom manages to demand, perform, and behave in excess of a Barnum and Bailey show!

Every day you pack enough sandwiches and cook sufficient food to feed small third-world-country.  When you take time off from the office, two people are hired to replace you.  You do homework, go to soccer practice, and participate in class trips to the zoo.  You call your mother and mother-in-law regularly and stay in contact with the kids’ teachers and carpool drivers. 

You are the tooth fairy, nurse, waitress, chef, secretary, housekeeper, chauffer, therapist, personal shopper, guidance counselor, coach, and entertainer all wrapped into one extraordinarily busy person. 

How do you juggle the wide variety of tasks that must be accomplished?  What is the secret to staying sane while keeping all the balls up in the air?

The answer is to simply shoot your image of superwoman, and realize that she is nothing but a fantasy.  Nobody, that’s right, nobody can have it all.  If you want to enroll your children in a lot of activities, you will not cook healthy gourmet dinners each evening.  If you want to treat yourself to a well-deserved good book and bar of chocolate each evening, you will not have all the laundry sorted by the end of each day.

Most of the balls we are constantly attempting to juggle are made of rubber.  There is no harm done in a rubber ball bouncing on occasion.  However, one ball is made of glass- the family ball.  The housekeeping and shopping can be put on hold.  The myriad of chores on your list will patiently wait for you to attend to them.  However, the people within your family need you now.  Your children will never be the exact same age they are today ever again.  You will never have another opportunity to enhance your relationship with those closest to you for this present day.

So, go ahead, and let some balls bounce.  We all have scattered rubber balls bouncing within our busy lives.  Relax; you can scoop them up later.  Now is the time to focus on your glass ball, the people in your home who need you most.  Don’t let the glass ball down, because it can shatter.  Keep on juggling… you can do it!

I have been involved in counselling families and children for the past 15 years.

One of the most devastating experiences a person can go through is an abusive experience. I have found over the years the most horrendous damage is done when a child experiences physical abuse, emotional/spiritual abuse, molestation or sexual abuse.

While on holidays a number of years ago, visiting my wife’s family I came home after a game of golf and noticed that my child was withdrawn, clearly unhappy and very quiet. Certainly not like his inquisitive, bubbly personality that we have come to love or appreciate. Upon questioning my mother in-law, it was apparent that something had happened, but she was resistant in talking about it. I continued to probe and finally got the story. My son and the neighbor boy (who was a year older) were playing outside and my mother in law noticed while looking out the window that my son’s pants seemed to be pulled down to his knees, but did not say anything. She did not want to cause any problems. It was causally mentioned to my wife sometime later. Immediately my wife went outside and called our son into the house. He would not say anything to her and became very quiet.  When I got home and found all of this out, I took my son to a quiet corner of the house and began by affirming my love for him, clearly stating that he was not in any trouble, but that I needed to know what had happened so I could help. He was 6 years old at the time.

In between sobs he slowly told me that the boy next door had asked him to play a game with him and so my son complied and they played hide and seek. Then my son said lets play soccer so they kicked a ball around. The next door neighbor boy said ok, my turn, lets go behind the garage and play another game. My son complied and once there,  the boy took down his pants and asked my son to take his pants down which he did. The boy had asked my son to play with his genitals and he would play with his at that point my son said no, and pulled his pants up. The other boy did the same and then went home. I affirmed my son telling him that he did the right thing by refusing to do what the boy had asked. It opened up a big discussion on right behavior and wrong behavior, what to do if someone asked him to do something like that again. I told him he was very brave in telling me and I hugged him and told him how much I loved him and that he was not in any trouble at all and that I was very proud of him.

The next thing I did was to set up a meeting with the parents next door and my wife and I sat down with them and in a non-judgmental way explained to them what had happened. After asking a number of questions about their son, it was revealed that he had been discovered a few years ago with a baby sitter who was doing inappropriate things with him under a blanket. Nothing was ever done or followed up with that. I strongly encouraged them over the next three days while we were still visiting to set up an appointment. with a counselor I recommended, to not allow their boy to be unsupervised with other children (they had a child care center out of the home) and to have the counselor call me before we had to leave. Otherwise I would have to report what had happened to Social Services. The family complied and the boy did get help and the abuse stopped.

It is very important to talk with your children even at the age of 4 about their private space, explaining that no other people are allowed to touch them in certain places even if being asked nicely by friends, family or others. It is important to explain to them what parents can do ( in terms of bathing and hygiene)  and that it is not right for other children to touch. It is important to talk to them about what to do if something like that happened. What to do if someone tried to do something with them when they did not want to.

When the boys got old enough to access the internet, I made it very clear to what they needed to avoid and closely monitored them, reinforcing the attitude of how dangerous the internet can be. I allowed them more responsibility as they got older on accessing information as they showed in their behavior that they were responsible.

There are also internet blocking you can set up on your computer which does help to remove any temptations or dares from friends on instant message programs.

In terms of recovery; Getting counseling sooner then later is the best option. The earlier the intervention the better the success. Patience is the key here, it is a difficult thing for someone to “disclose” and the more gentleness, kindness and love you offer the easier it is for them to open up. Shame and guilt do a lot in diminishing communication. Again, be patient, affirming how wonderful they are, how safe and how loved they are.

I have included some internet sites that would be beneficial to visit

http://www.angelfire.com/ga3/protectourkidz/

http://www.ojjdp.ncjrs.gov/jjjournal/jjjournal598/net.html

http://www.care2.com/c2c/group/compassionateservice

http://www.cyberangels.org/

http://www.protectkids.com/

http://www.ispa.org.uk/complaints/page_154.html

There are so many powerful thoughts regarding raising small souls cruising through my mind today that I scarcely know where to begin! We just returned from a most unique vacation- a wilderness program for ‘at-risk’ teens in the San Francisco Bay area.

After my husband worked in the camp for the latter half of July, the staff flew both of us out West for the last weekend of the program.

The all-boys program consisted of twenty defiant young men and an additional twenty staff members.

Anger management, improving social skills, connection with family, and enhancing feeling of self-worth are some of the crucial topics that are covered during formal sessions as well as informal activities.

The twenty-foot truck that contained all the provisions necessary to support forty people in the wilderness was a lesson onto itself.

Personally, when we travel to New York to visit family members, it takes me hours to pack the luggage necessary for my family of five- and even more time to load the minivan in a semi-organized manner!

Thus, the sight of HUNDREDS of massive Rubbermaid bins, all neatly labeled, being loaded and unloaded onto the truck in assembly-line fashion by rowdy teens was, indeed, a sight to behold.

Each bin was clearly marked: Sleeping bags, Flashlights, Propane, Garbage bags, Tents, Air mattresses, Perishables (fresh ice was purchased for these bins each day!), Tools, Drug tests, Snacks, Tissues, Plates, Cutlery, Sunscreen…. Are just some of labels I can recall offhand!

It was difficult to avoid wondering when the last time these rugged young men had helped their mothers set the table for dinner, as I watched them lug the heavy food-related bins around the campfire, and how often they made their beds at home as they pitched tents, pumped mattresses, and unrolled sleeping bags in the forest.

What are some of the ideas used in the wilderness that we parents can implement in our daily lives in order to foster greater responsibility in our children?

Here are several thoughts that I gleaned at a campsite outside of San Francisco that can help you wherever you are:

Idea #1: Get involved!

Particularly at the beginning of a new project, or if this is the child’s first time participating in this task, do not ‘delegate and leave’.

It can be tempting to say, “clear the table” or “put away the laundry” and turn towards another task- (I’m very guilty of this one, since I feel that I’m ‘using my time wisely’… however in the long run, it’s truly ‘un-wise’!) Yet, in all likelihood, your child is not yet equipped to remember all the instructions you gave, know where all the items belong, and have the ability to focus for the duration of the task without getting distracted.

Be involved with the project you have assigned to your child. Help him by putting a few pieces of silverware into the dishwasher or placing the socks into the appropriate drawer.

You are being a mentor, actively demonstrating how the task should be accomplished. Additionally, your presence and participation will guide your child to follow through on the task until it is completed. (Have you ever had your son clear only the plates off the table and then disappear from the kitchen? Try to recall what YOU were doing at that time- when you are involved the ‘disappearing act’ seems to disappear!)

Idea #2: Offer an incentive!

“If we unload the truck in 60 minutes we’ll all get Slurpees!” the director of the program announced upon our arrival at a new campsite.

Yesterday, I did the same thing. A recent family trip to New York had left our minivan resembling a battlefield in a war zone. (A battle of chips, water-bottles, CD’s, and Mapquest printouts!) After handing each of my three children a grocery bag, I announced, “Whoever fills their bag garbage from the van within ten minutes w