How To Eliminate Sibling Rivalry
by Ellen C. Braun
Filed under Disciplining Children, Sibling Rivalry
“A sorrow shared is a sorrow halved.” an ancient quote proclaims.
Parents can derive much comfort from the universality of sibling rivalry. At the very beginning of time, the first two siblings, Cain and Abel, did not get along with each other, and as a result Cain killed his brother! Fortunately, we can rest assured (hopefully!) that our children are not about to murder their brother or sister. However, this reassurance provides little comfort in the face of constant bickering, teasing, and fighting.
What can we parents do to eliminate sibling rivalry?
In evaluating any behavior it is useful to examine the emotions and thoughts that precede the behavior, in order to fully understand and rectify the issue at hand.
What thoughts are likely to be occupying the mind of a mother or father whose children are fighting? Very often the parent takes responsibility for the children’s misbehavior and concludes that it is a personal failure in him or herself. The thought process travels along these lines: “If my child can behave in this manner, then it must be my fault, and therefore I am a failure as a parent.”
As a result of the parent’s feelings of inadequacy, the parent will try to “fix” the child, who rarely responds positively, and his behavior generally deteriorates further. As the parent becomes more enraged, he or she often becomes angry at the perceived cause of the feelings of incompetence – the child!
When parents allow themselves to correctly feel less personally and totally responsible for every aspect of their children’s behavior, much of the anger would be eliminated from the above scenarios.
Once the negative emotions of anger and frustration are no longer in the picture, a parent can move towards the next productive step: Don’t get involved!
With the exception of serious physical damage, or youngsters under the age of 3 or 4, it is best for parents not to intervene in an argument in which they were not involved. When toddlers do require their parents to step in, it should be done simply to separate the combatants, and not to take sides in the fight. Firmly removing the toy that has caused the conflict, or placing the children in different rooms to play will teach toddlers that they will not win points in the competition for parental love by drawing their parents into their rivalry. If mother or father had a habit of attempting to settle each fight by playing umpire, it will take some time to unlearn those habits, yet it can be done.
Obviously, it is not advisable for parents to become indifferent to their children’s bickering. Just as parents do with other developmental learning skills, they can help their children best by rooting from the sidelines and not jumping into the field.
The common outcry and initial reaction of parents reading this advice is, “Oh, no! The fighting will get worse if I don’t stop them!” Perhaps it will. In the long term, which is usually a period of several weeks, the sibling rivalry will diminish significantly.
The bottom line is that parents cannot always be there for their children during confrontations. Children must learn to deal effectively with their differences independent of their parents.
Your children will learn essential social skills when they are forced to figure out how to negotiate their differences on their own. That is a priceless lesson that parents can only teach by stepping back.
Related posts:
please compare your post with this one
I’ve only been able to read some of these blogs, but what I’ve found with my two children (4 and 5) is that I started early and was always putting words in their mouths, “no, jacob, you don’t say ‘gimme that, now!’ you need to say, ‘Daisy, can I please see that, or Daisy can I see that when your done?’” I started that when they first learned to argue and kept putting the words in their mouth until they learned how to argue civily. My family thought it was annoying that I would tell my kids what to say all the time. But I noticed that they they got mad and would start to lose it, all I would have to do is remind them of what thy needed to say and their whole attitude would change, because they remembered to calm down, not yell, speak clearly, with a nice tone, and accept the answer even if it wasn’t the one they wanted. So call me annoying for putting words in their mouths, but I feel like I was teaching them a different method for feeling upset and dealing with it. they don’t really fight over stuff in our house.
I think cathy has it right,
we need to model the correct way to talk
they aren’t born knowing this
and the television that most children are watching surely does not teach them to talk civily
I think you did and are doing the right thing
I was a little shocked that someone would recommed allowing their children to hit each other and be cruel to each other to “work it out”. I love seeing my children, 8 years old twins & a 6 year old, playing together. Most of the time they get along with each other very well. They do fight sometimes but are NOT ALLOWED to say cruel things to each other. Physical fighting usually starts by treating each other cruel. I always remind them to treat each other kindly and that it is a privilege to have a brother/sister. If they start to fight I take the item away until they come up with a plan to avoid fighting. When I was growing up my parents always “stayed out of it”. My older brother always was very cruel. I hated my brother so much. I never want my children to hate each other.
My sister and I NEVER got along – we always fought and today nothing has changed. I think my parents felt guilty but I hope they just know that sometimes two people just can’t get along – and sometimes that can be in the same family.
Use the negotiation technique.
Sit the children down in two chairs facing each other, but far enough apart they can’t reach each other.
The simplest way to resolve these conflicts is to give the following instructions to both kids.
“You may leave your chairs when you give each other permission to do so. You may not get up until your brother gives you permission and he cannot get up until you give him permission.” (Repeat to other child.)
“When you are both ready to grant permission to each other, then you can get up.”
“There is no time limit and I, your parent, will not be involved except to enforce the rule. ” (Be prepared with consequences for the child who refuses to honor the rule. It will not be necessary more than a few times.)
Sending kids to separate rooms where they cannot come out until they give each other permission works well also. The only warning is that they must be able to hear each other from their doorways.
What to Expect
First, the kids will verbalize all their angry feelings. Be prepared for angry words and outrageous name-calling designed to pull the parent back in. Stay out of ear shot if possible but definitely stay out of the room or hallway.
Ignore the initial outrageous behavior. Under no circumstances should the parent get pulled back in. When the children are certain they are on their own, they will get down to true negotiation and discover the art of compromise. Their solution may not be the one the parent would have selected, but it will always be the one with which the kids are satisfied and willing to honor.
This approach really works and it puts the responsibility where it belongs, on the kids. Evaluating alternatives, problem-solving, negotiating, and compromising are learned skills. Children learn what they experience and this technique teaches children about peace and justice.
I started this technique a while back. They always work something out something. Sometimes in 2 seconds. One time it took 45 minutes! Their solutions and compromises were ones they could accept and it works.
I have 4 children, ages 6, 8, 10 , and 16. I’ve strugled for as long as I can remember with the appropriate way to deal with sibling rivalry. I’ve tried to stay out of it, but I usaully convice myself to get involved for one reason or another. If you are looking for a GREAT book with many practical techniques as well as some Godly advice, then you’v got to read Creative Correction, by Lisa Welchel (the Facts of Life gal). This book has so many wonderful things to teach!! She also has a website at (what else) creativecorrection.com
My children ages 12 and 13 are always bickering with each other. They have lost a sibling 7 years ago and I thought they would treasure each other. Neither one really responds well to punishment, but my daughter has nothing that I can punish her with. She doesn’t like T.V., video games, having other girls spend the night, and she doesn’t spend the night with other people either. I feel like 13 is getting a little to old for spanking, but I am about ready to resort to it! How can I handle this situation?
I have a 4 yr old son Aiden and 2.5 yr old twin girls Olivia and Kahlan. My problem is not so much them getting along, the girls get along great together and both love and look up to my son, however my son has chosen Kahlan to be his favorite. He wants to play with Kahlan all the time but doesn’t want Olivia to play with them. If they do choose to play together then the Olivia ends up being the monster that they chase or hide from. Olivia seems to do okay with this at times, however she is beginning to act out for his attention. She will try to sit on his lap if they are watching a movie or insist on sitting next to (or with him) when we eat dinner. He tells us that he doesn’t like her and Kahlan is his favorite. Or he says he likes Olivia but loves Kahlan more. I don’t know if I should intervene in this and if I do HOW? I don’t want to force him to play with her, however I feel that I should be doing something. I don’t wish to make the problem bigger by making a big deal out of it, however I don’t want to ignore it and let them know that this behavior is okay. Please help.
Very Nice Site! Thanx!
http://excellent-credit-card.blogspot.com