Comments on: How To Eliminate Sibling Rivalry

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By: Mom of 1+2

Mom of 1+2 — Mon, 28 Jan 2008 23:07:17 +0000

I have a 4 yr old son Aiden and 2.5 yr old twin girls Olivia and Kahlan. My problem is not so much them getting along, the girls get along great together and both love and look up to my son, however my son has chosen Kahlan to be his favorite. He wants to play with Kahlan all the time but doesn’t want Olivia to play with them. If they do choose to play together then the Olivia ends up being the monster that they chase or hide from. Olivia seems to do okay with this at times, however she is beginning to act out for his attention. She will try to sit on his lap if they are watching a movie or insist on sitting next to (or with him) when we eat dinner. He tells us that he doesn’t like her and Kahlan is his favorite. Or he says he likes Olivia but loves Kahlan more. I don’t know if I should intervene in this and if I do HOW? I don’t want to force him to play with her, however I feel that I should be doing something. I don’t wish to make the problem bigger by making a big deal out of it, however I don’t want to ignore it and let them know that this behavior is okay. Please help.

By: nursemom

nursemom — Tue, 06 Nov 2007 19:39:15 +0000

My children ages 12 and 13 are always bickering with each other. They have lost a sibling 7 years ago and I thought they would treasure each other. Neither one really responds well to punishment, but my daughter has nothing that I can punish her with. She doesn’t like T.V., video games, having other girls spend the night, and she doesn’t spend the night with other people either. I feel like 13 is getting a little to old for spanking, but I am about ready to resort to it! How can I handle this situation?

By: amy

amy — Tue, 27 Mar 2007 00:41:08 +0000

I have 4 children, ages 6, 8, 10 , and 16. I’ve strugled for as long as I can remember with the appropriate way to deal with sibling rivalry. I’ve tried to stay out of it, but I usaully convice myself to get involved for one reason or another. If you are looking for a GREAT book with many practical techniques as well as some Godly advice, then you’v got to read Creative Correction, by Lisa Welchel (the Facts of Life gal). This book has so many wonderful things to teach!! She also has a website at (what else) creativecorrection.com

By: S. Oliver

S. Oliver — Wed, 07 Feb 2007 03:27:31 +0000

Use the negotiation technique.

Sit the children down in two chairs facing each other, but far enough apart they can’t reach each other.

The simplest way to resolve these conflicts is to give the following instructions to both kids.

“You may leave your chairs when you give each other permission to do so. You may not get up until your brother gives you permission and he cannot get up until you give him permission.” (Repeat to other child.)

“When you are both ready to grant permission to each other, then you can get up.”

“There is no time limit and I, your parent, will not be involved except to enforce the rule. ” (Be prepared with consequences for the child who refuses to honor the rule. It will not be necessary more than a few times.)

Sending kids to separate rooms where they cannot come out until they give each other permission works well also. The only warning is that they must be able to hear each other from their doorways.

What to Expect

First, the kids will verbalize all their angry feelings. Be prepared for angry words and outrageous name-calling designed to pull the parent back in. Stay out of ear shot if possible but definitely stay out of the room or hallway.

Ignore the initial outrageous behavior. Under no circumstances should the parent get pulled back in. When the children are certain they are on their own, they will get down to true negotiation and discover the art of compromise. Their solution may not be the one the parent would have selected, but it will always be the one with which the kids are satisfied and willing to honor.

This approach really works and it puts the responsibility where it belongs, on the kids. Evaluating alternatives, problem-solving, negotiating, and compromising are learned skills. Children learn what they experience and this technique teaches children about peace and justice.

I started this technique a while back. They always work something out something. Sometimes in 2 seconds. One time it took 45 minutes! Their solutions and compromises were ones they could accept and it works.

By: Debbi

Debbi — Tue, 06 Feb 2007 18:20:28 +0000

My sister and I NEVER got along – we always fought and today nothing has changed. I think my parents felt guilty but I hope they just know that sometimes two people just can’t get along – and sometimes that can be in the same family.

By: Diane

Diane — Wed, 24 Jan 2007 16:53:32 +0000

I was a little shocked that someone would recommed allowing their children to hit each other and be cruel to each other to “work it out”. I love seeing my children, 8 years old twins & a 6 year old, playing together. Most of the time they get along with each other very well. They do fight sometimes but are NOT ALLOWED to say cruel things to each other. Physical fighting usually starts by treating each other cruel. I always remind them to treat each other kindly and that it is a privilege to have a brother/sister. If they start to fight I take the item away until they come up with a plan to avoid fighting. When I was growing up my parents always “stayed out of it”. My older brother always was very cruel. I hated my brother so much. I never want my children to hate each other.

By: rahel

rahel — Wed, 24 Jan 2007 14:47:41 +0000

I think cathy has it right,
we need to model the correct way to talk
they aren’t born knowing this
and the television that most children are watching surely does not teach them to talk civily
I think you did and are doing the right thing

By: cathy

cathy — Wed, 24 Jan 2007 07:12:53 +0000

I’ve only been able to read some of these blogs, but what I’ve found with my two children (4 and 5) is that I started early and was always putting words in their mouths, “no, jacob, you don’t say ‘gimme that, now!’ you need to say, ‘Daisy, can I please see that, or Daisy can I see that when your done?’” I started that when they first learned to argue and kept putting the words in their mouth until they learned how to argue civily. My family thought it was annoying that I would tell my kids what to say all the time. But I noticed that they they got mad and would start to lose it, all I would have to do is remind them of what thy needed to say and their whole attitude would change, because they remembered to calm down, not yell, speak clearly, with a nice tone, and accept the answer even if it wasn’t the one they wanted. So call me annoying for putting words in their mouths, but I feel like I was teaching them a different method for feeling upset and dealing with it. they don’t really fight over stuff in our house.

By: Annie

Annie — Mon, 08 Jan 2007 17:21:37 +0000

Hi, about sibling rivalry I think set limits is important , We have a 5 and a 3 years Old Boys and I do let them work out their problems , but they also know that hitting , bitting or just hurting somebody is not allowed in our house, last year when they start we the fights we make a big deal of it , both lost privilegies and the toy went in to time out and TV was off for the day. So I think the message was clear for them, better share and play nicely with my Bro or we lost the fun. I guess I do have a traumatic experience growing up, my two cousins 10 and 12 years old boys at the time where constantly fithing I mean fighting, blood and broken arms , very violently , so when I find out I will rise two Boys my first tought was ” They never gona hurt each other, they will be best friends”, thankfully is been that way so far they respect each other and they are best friends, my problem know is since I rise them so close both have almost the same favorite toys, friends and foods , and my little one is copying his older Brother behave, that is good for me but no good for my older boy , since my 3 year is very outgoing, laud and funny, he get much atention so is more popular with their friends and family, I don’t like to make diferences but I want to help my older one be more selfconfident what can I do..??
P.S Excuse my bad English, Spanish is my primary language so Im learning, corrections are welcome.

By: marcia

marcia — Thu, 04 Jan 2007 22:30:13 +0000

i am totally losing it with my three kids, age 8, 5, and 2 the eight and five year olds, all they do is fight. literally every 10 min or so they are screaming and crying, (both girls) I find myself so frustrated i am screaming as well and honestly feel like i am going to have a heart attack. THey are not listening, the oldest has discovered how to lie.. Oh god. it is exhausting can you give me any way to stop this?

By: Annette Frank

Annette Frank — Mon, 04 Dec 2006 19:08:19 +0000

While I do try to stay away of the argumenting, fightng, bickering, I can’t help myself of the feelings I’m having related to what is this doing to may kids, socially. The ages are 13, 10 and 6. I feel that the 6y/o is learning some really bad habbits from the older boys. Is there ways I can communicate with the boys without saying things like do not act like your brothers, which I have done, it just sounds so bad?

By: Lisa K.

Lisa K. — Mon, 27 Nov 2006 15:25:17 +0000

I have two daughters ages 7 and 9. There isn’t a day that goes by without screaming, whining, eye rolling, etc. I dread the teen years already! I agree that parents should model appropriate interactions. We try to ignore as much as possible and let them solve their own problems. But I am looking for ideas to serve as consequences for when the girls do not follow the family rules (we speak kindly, we do not hurt each other, etc). Thanks everyone!

By: sori

sori — Sun, 12 Nov 2006 06:46:01 +0000

so many ideas! I like Nicole’s.My problem is that my 5 yr old always fights by hitting-so does that mean i have to get involved? i don’t want to because i feel like the 3 yr old totally overreacts and i don’t want to give in to him either. also the 5 yr. old is basically good hearted and i think the 3 yr. old’s reaction (and mine!) just increase his behavior.so should I try to ignore even though it’s physical? I also can’t always be in the room (nursing, making supper..) is ther a chat room link? or do you know of any parenting chat rooms?

By: Ellen C. Braun

Ellen C. Braun — Mon, 25 Sep 2006 21:28:26 +0000

Tracie- thanks for joining us. I would advise you to deal with the ‘control freak’ issue, not only for your kids’ sake, but for yours!!

Yona, have you tried the suggestions here? What happens when you say, “Jane, what would be a nice way to ask your sister to borrow her sweater?”

Nichole, thank you for your insights.

Isn’t it amazing that when you don’t play judge the children really do learn to work things out better… not always, but often!

By: Nichole

Nichole — Sun, 24 Sep 2006 00:27:01 +0000

I have three children ages 7, 5 1/2 and 4. They are required to work out all of their fights on their own without parental intervention. It works wonderfully. They are practicing finding solutions to problems and compromising for future relationships. I’m not exhausted and not the judge. If my husband or I ever accidentally slip up and get roped into one of their conflicts, we pay the price. The kids up the anty in a big way. They have to be more dramatic, louder and more stubborn and insistent to try to get us to side with them so that they don’t feel less than the other child. When we stay out of it, so does that dynamic. The exception to the rule is when they use their bodies (hitting, kicking, etc) to try to solve a problem. The person who hits is sent to time-out, they lose the opportunity to work it out fairly because they lost control of their body. If a problem seems to be getting loud and out of control the kids are both (no matter what happened because we aren’t involved) sent to chairs in the livingroom where they sit until they have a solution that is acceptable to both or all of them (if it involved all three kids). No one can get up until everyone is happy with the solution. Apologies are given, if needed and they know if they need to give one or expect one. They give each other permission to get up and life goes on happily.

By: yona

yona — Sat, 23 Sep 2006 18:27:18 +0000

I have 2 doughters ages 13 and 14. Constantly they argue, fight, biker at each other. There hasen’t been a day when they have not argued about something. It could be about borrowing each others clothes or maybe the older sibling degrades the younger one. Some times is hard for me to stand back and watch all these. What should I do?

By: Tracie

Tracie — Sat, 16 Sep 2006 22:05:17 +0000

I am reading with great interest! I have four children, two girls/2boys all three years apart and alternate gender. So my girls are 6 yrs apart and so are my boys. My life is torturous sometimes with my NEED to control every situation of sibling rivalry! Oh my gosh…if you could only imagine us in the car! I just want it to stop! I have made the rule that if my kids have asked thier sibling to do something (or stop doing something) and that sibling doesnt comply with thier request then they are to come to me for support. Because (I tell them) that if they take matters into thier own hands…(ie. hit/name call)then they get into trouble too! UGH…is this not good? Because now it doesnt seem any quieter…and I feel as though I should always be wearing black and white stripes…blowing a whistle! H-E-L-P! i am a control freak by nature…and I NEED to figure out how to raise confident, and self directing kids…as they go out into this world where I can not control the influences around them 24/7 (Though I am still trying to figure out how to do just that! lol)
Oh and to complicate my above posting a bit further…my oldest child has special needs…and has gone totally off the charts as of late with her BAD behavior issues! So now it is even worse!

By: Ellen C. Braun

Ellen C. Braun — Sun, 10 Sep 2006 19:46:46 +0000

I’ve seen a lot of improvement with my sons, by saying to the one that comes to me in tears, or in anger, “Honey, what would be a good way to tell your brother that it’s your turn/ you don’t want to share your new prize/ he should go off your bed/ etc….”

When the tension is high, I go to the room where the children are, and stand in the doorway and “coach” my son with my eyes and emotions, as he nicely asks his brother for the thing at hand.

Because I’m watching, it’s about 90%+ effective, although I mostly stayed ‘out of it’!

And, the children are developing the skills to speak respectfully to each other!

P.S. I’m finding specific questions and answers easier to handle in the forum, than within these comments- do join us at http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/forums/ – simply click ‘register’ and choose a username and password that you’ll always remember!

By: Malkie

Malkie — Sun, 10 Sep 2006 02:53:41 +0000

I have a 5yr old and a 3 yr old boys. They are both home all day and they bicker alot. Sometimes I intervene (“Say will you please share that toy with me”). And sometimes I leave them alone. The 3 yr. old screams alot and I know sometimes he is overreacting. But sometimes my 6 yr. old will bite my 3 yr old (very hard, or scratch him hard). Then he will tell me that he bit him because he got bit first (but its never as hard). But my 6 yr. old is also VERY bossy and ALWAYS telling him what to do (he even threatens him) So what should I do with them? Interven or not? I don’t always know what the argument is about and I can’t run out of the bathroom or abandoned my 3 month old to go check on them (but I also don’t want him to bite!)?

By: Susan

Susan — Fri, 08 Sep 2006 21:33:02 +0000

When my kids fight, I will intervene if there is physical violence or name-calling, neither of which we allow. They often fight when they are hungry, so sometimes I impose a ceasefire until they’ve eaten a snack, then ask them to figure out a way to work it out with each other and repair their relationship (I use that phrase a lot). When there’s hitting, pushing, shoving, etc., *both* of them lose their screen time for the day (or the next day if they’ve already used it). That way, I don’t have to decide whose fault it is, and they share responsibility for keeping their relationship on track and safe. I do sometimes help facilitate discussion and communication (e.g., “do you hear how hurt he was by what you said/did?”) and may suggest hugs or apologies if they seem ready.

By: Rachel

Rachel — Fri, 08 Sep 2006 15:12:05 +0000

Hi there, this is an interesting thread! I think I get that I should let me kids work it out–is it just my response to the CONSTANT noise of fighting whining (MOOOOMMMMY! Aline took my X!…MOMMMMMMMYYYY! Alex touched my seat!) that I need to change? I mean, if I truly IGNORE this noise, will it go away? In our house the bickering goes on and on and on and I am slowly going insane. Help!

By: Angie

Angie — Tue, 05 Sep 2006 14:33:14 +0000

Hi,

My issue is managing two boys age 10 and 3 who both pester each other and fight. I’m an only child and a girl; so this is very difficult and frustrating to me. The three yr. old is a screamer and just loud all the time/never quiet, and the 10 yr. old is a yeller and impatient. I of course feel like I caused this and am miserable at the height of a fuss. Some of our worst fusses have been in the car where the 3 yr. old is bothering the 10 ten yr. old and neither will be quiet and I lose it and am yelling as well. I have recently made a change in the car that seems to be working. My ten year old weighs over 100 pounds; so I let him move to the front seat to separate the two so that the 3 yr. can’t reach the the 10 yr. This seems to be working so far.

By: Ellen C. Braun

Ellen C. Braun — Fri, 18 Aug 2006 21:03:16 +0000

Hi Mary,

I would stand nearby, and say to the whiner, “What would be a good way to ask Jack to stop hitting you?”

Because you’re standing right there, and hopefully you’ve taught them this before, your son will likely say, “Jack, please do not hit me”

Then, you can turn to Jack and say, “Jack what is the right thing to say after you have hurt another person?”

And Jack will say, “I’m sorry”

Yes, it will take time, however even if you can eliminate 20% of their fights because you teach them to speak civilly with each other and work out their differences… you will have gained tremendously!

Good luck!