How To End Temper Tantrums
by Ellen C. Braun
Filed under Conflict Resolution, Disciplining Children, Parenting Toddlers
I will never forget the man whom I met at my in-law’s home last year. Standing at six-feet tall, with broad shoulders, and a hardened military expression of seriousness on his face, he appeared intimidating- even to me. Then I heard that he used to work in a top-secret government job, and on 9/11 his finger was poised on the button, waiting for the President’s word to press it and cause nuclear havoc. His noticeably expectant wife stood at his side, along with several other couples in the living room. A woman entered the room with a whimpering baby and seated herself on the couch. The baby’s whimpering grew louder, and despite his mother’s best attempts to quiet him, he erupted in full-fledged wailing. Mom gave him a bottle, rocked him, and stuck a pacifier in his little mouth, all to no avail- the crying grew louder each moment. Mr. Military had fearful expression on his face as he watched the baby screaming.
My mother-in-law asked him, “You’re nervous about having a baby, aren’t you?”
Mr. Military’s pursed lips parted to state, “Actually, terrified would be the word.”
While our family enjoys laughing about the humorous incident, the truth remains that childrens screaming can unnerve the most rational and calm adult. Tantrums can turn a seasoned business negotiator into a piece of mush wrapped around a two-year-old’s finger.
While there are many things that can be done in a setting of peacefulness, either before or after the tantrum, to alleviate this issue, this article will only address what to do during the time of flared tempers.
There are 3 keys to eliminating tantrums:
1) Crystal-clear communication
2) Being consistent
3) Being firm. Do not get manipulated!
Oftentimes, parents feel out of control at home, due to their stressful lifestyle. When a child erupts in a tantrum, a battle of power ensues, where the parent is intent on “winning” in order to preserve his or her sense of dominion. It is essential to avoid power struggles at all costs; make a decision to view the screaming child as a neighbor’s kid for a few moments, so that your ego will not be tied into this battle.
“I will not talk to you while you are screaming,” is a standard statement that can be tailored to suit your particular needs during a tantrum. Other variations include, “I want to speak with you, darling, but I can’t when you are screaming” or “Can you ask for the blue bike in a calm voice so that I can answer you?”
Sooner or later your child will realize that screaming is not an effective means to achieve his goals. You may have to repeat, “I’ll be glad to talk to you when you’ve finished crying” forty times, but eventually he will say, “Please can I have the blue bike.”
At this point, you must be consistent with the standpoint you originally had, prior to the outbreak of the tantrum. Even if you are ready to drive across the country for a “blue bike” to quiet him, the importance of your consistency cannot be overestimated.
Just because he finally asked nicely does not mean that he will get what he wants. You will likely say, “Sweetie, I understand that you want the blue bike, I’m sorry, I cannot give the blue bike to you now.” This is an essential part of your child’s learning process. He will not get his heart’s desires simply from speaking properly. The blue bike may belong to his sister who is presently riding it, or it may be broken and dangerous to ride until a screw has been tightened.
At this point, it is quite possible that the screaming will begin anew. However, your reaction to the ensuing tantrum must be the same. The goal is to teach him to stop screaming, not to give him whatever he wants. Your responses will echo what we discussed above, “Darling, I would like to talk to you when you have finished screaming”.
The difficulty of implementing these solutions in everyday life is fully understandable. When the phone is ringing, and two children are having a chocolate-milk fight in the other room, it is hard to remember these rules! However, if you think about this process beforehand, and work it out in our minds prior to the occurrence of the next tantrum, you can begin improving some of the time. You may improve 10 or 20% of the time, and several weeks from now react according to these rules 70 or 80% of the time. The main point is that whatever you can do that is an improvement on the past is going to be beneficial for your children.
No parent is perfect, and nobody can correct a detrimental pattern of reactions overnight. Yet taking steps, even baby steps, towards proper handling of temper tantrums will definitely cause their frequency to decrease. As you work on following through on these rules, you will find it easier to maintain this reaction, even in the middle of total chaos.
And when your child recognizes that when he speaks appropriately, even if he did not get what he desired, he was listened to and understood and empathized with, he will become encouraged to act more reasonably next time!
For more help dealing with tantrums, read The No-Cry Discipline Solution: Gentle Ways to Encourage Good Behavior Without Whining, Tantrums, and Tears
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This article was really good. However, does anyone have any ideas on how to stop temper tantrums with a 4 1/2 year old special needs child who has no language skills and uses tantruming as a form of communication? He used to be more calm but lately if he is expected to do something he doesn’t like or if he doesn’t get what he wants right that second, he begins screaming uncontrollably. I’m his home teacher and his mom and I are both looking for new ideas. I’m trying some positive reinforcement and she’s been trying to use time outs because he calms down when in time out. But it’s getting exhausting. Any ideas out there?
To Chris, who posted:
““A tantrum is only the sign of an unmet need” is a poisoned pill you’d better not swallow. Certainly, children have needs, and they are not born with the ability to verbalize those needs. However, common sense and simple observation will tell you that children do not always “need” something when they scream and cry. They might PERCEIVE it as their need, but it is really their want, and they need to be taught the difference.”
Thank you for taking the time to reply to that. You are correct. It is dangerous to buy into that line of thinking.
Jen
Hello Rebecca… I hope someone has tried to answer you maybe on the forum which I am still trying to get on. ( It only happened once!lol) I am working on a response to you. I worked with a child who is nonverbal as well as blind..unable to even point and yet I was able to work out something.. I have some questions. e-mail me at cookespring@hotmail.com. taking a chance but I do not know how else to get it you you. patricia
To Mom of Five,
Your situation sounds so much like my best friend’s. Her first and her fourth were very curious, creative, into EVERYTHING! And they were quick about it! It was harder with number 4, because she had 3 others, of course, and a lot more to try to accomplish during the day. You have a baby besides. Your whole day is your children. I wish I could get you and my friend connected.
I really do not have advice, per se. I think Patricia mentioned giving toys that have problem solving or real items that he can use to satisfy some curiosity. Definitely.
I do have some encouragement for you. You have one smart boy! He’s strong-willed besides, so he’s going to know what he wants out of life and let no one stop him from getting there. I just want to say, “Hang in there!” Purpose to enjoy those children and their unique personalities while you’ve got them.
It WILL get better. The children WILL mature. You are stronger and more long-suffering than you think, so you will make it through the exhausting times. The older ones can help more and more as they grow. Your smart, creative boy will likely enjoy helping and feeling useful as he grows as well. Clean clothes can be pulled from the basket just as well as drawers. Once the tub is scrubbed, nobody knows how long it was between scrubbings. Children get themselves dirty constantly anyway, so whose going to know that they wore those clothes yesterday? Let go of the non-essential things (you probably already have, but sometimes we have to give ourselves that permission again and again).
Get a vacation every once in awhile as well. If you can get a weekend away by yourself and let dad watch the children, it can refresh you more than you know. Hire a mother’s helper whenever you can. You deserve it! You have the most demanding and important job in the world.
Christie,
Thank you so much for your kind words. Also, thanks to everyone else who commented. I think that I’m going to just take it one day at a time:)
Ellen,
I was just reading through responses to the temper tantrums article, and came across a response from you that worries me. A mom was writing about the importance of acknowledging children’s emotions- in the philosophy of the book “How to Talk so Kids will Listen, and Listen so Kids will Talk”, as well as the book “I Don’t Have to Make Everything All Better” (geared at adult relationships as well).
You wrote back to her that letting her daughter cry some more was good as it would teach her “self soothing”. I think that self soothing, as I understand it, is the opposite of the principles of that philosophy. Self soothing sounds as though the child is left to experience their emotions alone (such as in a crib where no one comes to respond to thier crying). It is a very different thing for the parent to express understanding of the strength of the emotions and why the child might have those feelings, even if the feelings are not logical. Then the child does not feel isolated in her experience of the world. In addition, the child does not need to become more and more emphatic in expressing the emotions in an effort to feel understood.
My children are 8 & 12, and it’s worked for me.
Hallie
Wow! I’ve been reading all of the comments since this was put out in June. There is a lot of good advice and lots to think about. I have a 19, 6 & 4 yr old. My 19 & 6 seem to handle things pretty well and have never been too much of a problem. My 4 yr old, however, is a totally new character for myself and anyone she comes in contact with to deal with. She is very strong and intelligent. She can do pretty much anything her 6 yr old sister can do. She actually thinks quicker at most things than most of the neighborhood 7-8 yr olds. She is very mechanically inclined and can take apart anything and make even the hardest toys work without ever even needing to ask for help. But, just wait until you get her to the grocery store. She can wind up and let go with the worst tantrum you have ever seen over “absolutely nothing”.
I happened to be a firm believer that all the mushy, mushy, oh it’s OK honey attitude is what makes kids have no respect and wind up criminals because they believe they are on the same level with adults and never learn to respect authority. You have to have an authority figure to learn to respect it – not an equal. Sorry if this upsets any of you moms who believe that children should be treated as equals and allowed to vent and show all their feelings. I believe that she needs to get these emotions out but not in the store, church, at grandma’s or just any ole where she pleases. I do admit there are times when she has gone past her coping skills because she is tired or hungry. But to just throw a tantrum because Mom didn’t let her buy the blue juice or the candy she wanted is not allowed. It seems with her she is just waiting until we get somewhere to throw one of these fits because she has all but quit having them at home. At home she goes straight to time out to “calm down”. My time out consists of sitting in a little yellow chair in front of the stove where she can watch the timer and know exactly how much time is left. That way she has a goal she can see to help calm her down. I want her to talk about what’s wrong but screaming and kicking and/or tearing up things is not allowed. I set the timer for 3 minutes for small things and 5 minutes for really big things. Most of the time I start it at 3 and add 1 minute at a time until she starts to calm down. She has learned to go sit quietly so that she can go back and play quickly. However, in the store I do not have a time out place, although, the sit in the van until you calm down is a good idea that I will have to try. I am usually so worn down by the time I get her outside that I don’t want to go back inside anyway.
As I said before she is very strong and larger than my 6 yr old and I can’t pick her up and leave the store. She is built solid like a linebacker and is like picking up a block of cement. Does anyone have any advise on getting her to the van without dragging her out the door kicking and screaming all the way. I try not to worry what everyone is thinking about while I drag her outside but it sure is annoying. Another tactic I have tried a few times is to reward my 6 yr old for listening to Mommy and staying with the cart by letting her buy a goodie. This infuriates my 4 yr old even more when I let her get something also but then I end up having to make her put it back because of the bad behavior before we get out of the store. I have also tried leaving her with Grandma and reminding her that she threw a fit last time and cannot go to the store this time. Then next time I take her again and we try to work on staying with Mommy and listening to me but it very rarely works. Help !!!!
I know most of the Mom’s out there are going to die but the very latest technique I have tried is getting her by the ear and taking her to the car. She is not happy but I don’t have to fight her all the way there kicking and screaming because she follows her ear. I have to say that all I have to do is threaten to “get her ear” and she starts listening. However, I don’t want to use this method because even I think it’s mean and should not be used. But when I get frustrated to the point that I use it it’s because I have had to chase her around the store and she will not come back or listen to anything said. She is too big to put in the shopping cart now or I would do that. Can anyone help me figure out a better way to deal with her than this. So far it’s the only thing in the last year that has worked and I’ve tried lots of things. Please help!
My 4-yr old has been having tantrums since 1-1/2 years old. We have at least one tantrums every morning before school and then again at night after school. Everything is a struggle – changing clothes in the morning is a struggle and don’t tell me to pick her clothes the night before either, because we already do that. She even agrees to the selected outfit but the morning comes its fair game again. Brushing hair, brushing teeth, getting out on time….I am late to work EVERY SINGLE DAY! Then in the evening, getting into the car seat, taking a bath, brushing teeth…..its all over again. Her answer to every routine is “NO”, “LATER”, “AFTER THIS OR THAT”, “I DON’T WANT TO”!! It is so difficult. I agree many of times I wished we never had a child. It is SO exhausting. I dread coming home from work sometimes. Her tantrums can last up to TWO hours! The entire room would be destroyed, all books off the shelves, chairs flipped over, she hurts herself many times by rubbing her feet so hard or kicking into the thermus. We do not let her have a tantrum in community areas, so we put her in her room, but she would just run out over and over again. We pulled on the knop and she would scream “bad daddy or mommy”, “don’t do that”, “let me out”, “you’re hurting me” on top of her lungs, and kick and bang on the door. We are surprised our neighbors have not called Child Services yet. While occasionally I could tell she was tired and she just couldn’t handle her emotions, for the most part, it is becasue she has such short fuse. It can be because she wanted the purple fork, not pink, but she wouldn’t never say it, she would throw the fork down and start a tantrum immediately. She is very good with her speaking skills and very smart for her age, so it is not a communication issue. We tried taking away toys but she doesn’t care. Now we have a big bag of toys in the garage I don’t know what to do with. We tried rewards chart, but she loses interested in a day or two. She does not sit in a time out, she would run out over and over again when she is in a tantrum we really can’t keep her in the time out spot. We tried holding her down, but we stop that becasue I don’t think it achieved the purpose of time-out. We talk to her when she is calm and she always seems to understand or agree but then 15 minutes later it starts all over. We have yelled which doesn’t do much. We wanted to try spanking but can’t bring ourselves to it. We tried the 1-2-3 thing but she ignores it so it goes right into tantrum. We tried making her apologize and she got in a habit to apologize immediately for everything using a standard line no matter what it is that she had done. That led me to believe that she didn’t really think about what she did. We tried raising our voices but that just made her go into a tantrum quicker. We tried distracting and convincing her its not a big deal and they occasionally worked, but it is SO MUCH ENERGY when you have to do it every morning and every night and every hour on the weekends for a mere 10% effectiveness. God knows we still try. I have tried giving lots of notice for doing anything to no avail. And, we pick our battles, basket C, as Dr. Greene referred to it, and we have let many things go that is (at this point) not that important, including fighting to take a bath every night. I have read the Spirited Child, The Explosive Child, Magic 1-2-3, Pocket parenting Book, The Stong Willed Child, The Girlfriends Guide to Toddlers, Emotional Intelligence and tons of web-sites. They all seem to have some canned answers for convenient situations. For example, offer choices – “honey, do you want to take a bath now or after we eat dinner”, well after dinner she would not keep her words to a bath. Or if you offer her limited choices of clothes, she would not like any of them. I am just going crazy. She is so sweet and lovable when not in a tantrum, I wish we had more good times than bad. I would venture to say that 70% of our time together is bad. I guess I am just ranting. Thanks for reading. Teri.
Oh Teri,
Unfortunately I can realte to you. My daughter is 8 now and too, is very bright and articulate. I was able to deal with her bouts of “madatham” (what she calls it) until now. We were in therapy with her since May with no improvement. (Stress balls and dart boards just don’t do it when you are that wrapped up in a tantrum!) I too, read The Spirited Child, The Explosive Child, and tons of other child psych books this summer. — no luck. Finally, with the help of our school nurse and the therapist we had been seeing, as well as her peditrician, I got her an appointment with a psycho-pharm doctor. Her immediate reaction is that it was NOT a bi-polar problem (since her sleep patterns are fine), but she is treating her with a drug called neurotin. It “calms her brain”. My daughter has been on it for only one week and in that time has had only 1 outburst. Maybe it’s time to see a doctor. Good luck. I know where you are.
-jk
Try some of these suggestions with a special needs child. THEY REALLY DO NOT WORK! I was told, Take the child out of the store, all that taught him was…want to leave…SCREAM. Now we stay in the store and finish shopping. IF anyone comments I say, SOrry, we are special needs and have decided today was scream day. It makes the people smile, and sometimes them smiling at him, makes him calm. Believe me, when you have a 4 year old that is FAS..Fetal Alcohol Syndrome and SEVERE ADHD life is not always fun. BUT life is what you MAKE IT. I try to enjoy each and every mintue with this child. I JUST WISh that at times, I could go potty alone!
Raising Hannah, the ear is a good one. I have used it and it works, just not every time. I have used it mainly to make him go the direction that I need him to go when he does not want to follow me. BUT IT WORKS..EVEN ON ADULTS THAT ARE READY TO COME TO BLOWS!
Teri, you did not mention, is your child sleeping enough at night? I have grand that acts like this when he does not sleep and he is 7. I also agree with with Jean, it is PAST time to see the doctor. AND make sure it is a doctor that LISTENS.
What do you do when a 14 month old keeps banging his head when he doesn’t get what he wants?
Teri
She’s obviously angry about something and it isnt the dumb little thing that you think set her off. May I suggest that she needs more of your time. When I quit working and gave my kids more of my playful attention our whole world changed. Try the book Playful Parenting by Larry Cohen. Engaging the kids on their level helped me to really love them again. That alone will help them more than all the discipline tricks in the world.
Good luck.
Thanks for your replies and advice.
Jean, I tried to do web searches on nerotin
and found nothing. Is it nerontin instead? But this is some kind of anti-convulsion drug. Can you clarify? Also, how long will your daughter be on it? I have actually took my daughter to the Child Behavior Clinic at Kaiser. The doctor prasied us for the way we have handled her and send us home, assuing us that it will pass. It is very hard to explain to people (even doctors) the severity of her tantrums unless I am speaking to a parent that has the same type of children. I tried to videotape her tantrum but it is so unpredictable we often miss the beginning part. I do want to go back again, if its not for her, its me getting prozac. Jean, good luck to you too.
Momma Pam, I admire that you can have a sense of humor about the whole thing! I do think you got a point here, in fact, my husband talk about that often. Because of the chaos every night, sometimes our daughter doesn’t get to bed until 9:30-10pm or later. She wakes up between 6 and 6:30am naturally. She naps at school but she doesn’t nap in the weekends. I have read that children that age need 10-11 nightly and needs naps util five, she is definitely not getting it. Tonight she went to bed at 8:30pm….YAY!
I forgot to mention in the email that we really think what she has is an “anger” and “impatience” problems, not so much manipulative or retaliating because she didn’t get her way. We often don’t find out why she is mad until afterwards. In the example of the purple and pink fork, she would ask for pink then changes her mind but instead of saying it she throws a fit. We would ask her to use her words so we can help her, but once she is in that kind of frenzy, there is no turning back. Later when she finally tells us what it is, we tell her would have been happy to give her the purple fork, had we known what she wanted, and that she needed to use her words. She had told me a couple of times that she wanted to stop, but she couldn’t and she loves me even when she is crying. Oh, my heart aches.
I took two weeks off during the Holidays last year to be with my daughter. And, one of the days I called my husband to leave work immediately to come home as I just couldn’t handle it anymore. At least on the weekends, I have my husband on my side helping and supporting, but alone, I was stressed out. Some women make better stay-at-home moms than others, I am sure. But when we are with our daughter, she is the focus. We do not watch TV, sit and talk on phone (unless its grandma and she needs to be on it too), read our books, check emails, do web searches, write my journals, fire up the laptop and work again, anything really until she is in bed. I wonder if she may be too spoiled with all the attention she is getting!
Teri,
Sorry, my typo. Yes, it’snerontin. It was developed as an anti-convulsant but they are now using all sort of anti-convulsion drugs in all sorts of manners now. My daughter takes 1/2 teaspoon 3 times a day (I don’t know how much that is in cc’s or however they measure drugs) It is one of those drugs that need to “ramp-up” to take effect, but if that is what is working, I am on it! I know we are not there yet on dosage or whatever because she starts to act up just about the time as another dose is needed. HOWEVER – today she got out of bed in a decent mood and went to school in a happy mood and let me leave her in the hall outside her classroom instead of pulling me in and pitching a fit when I leave. We have a med check next week after 2weeks of this. If you want me to let you know how it goes I will. If you’d like to email me direct: jeankeller@comcast.net
By the way, her therapist was able to see a tantrum “in action” last week. 40 minutes of insanity because we just got a puppy (which she wanted) but she thinks it likes me more than her so she wants another, different dog! You’re a good mom. Have yourself a nice bar of chocolate!
I am a Grandma and can tell you that is approach works on Husbands, grown children and anyone else who things a temper tantrum is their ticket to getting what you want. It’s all about boundries.
Dear Ellen,
How do you stop your 16 y.o.son from being sarcastic, mean spirited, and cruel to his 12 y.o. sister. They’re constantly at it. They’ve gone to church most of their lives, Awana, VBS, etc., yet he picks on her a lot. He has a problem with respecting not only my daughter, but myself and my husband (he’s an alcoholic with a sacarstic and cocky attitude, not to mention a negative attitude with an anger problem). I get so frustrated inside and feel stressed inside from his behavior. Her respond to his behavior is a super tantrum and back talking to me. Which I respond in an angry voice, sending her to her room to lay in bed and calm down, getting back to her later, talking to her. I also send him to his room and as he goes, he smiles making rude comments and a smirk on his face. After a moment of quiet time, I go in and talk to him. He becomes nice for awhile and then it starts again. The thing is, she’s forever thinking about him when we shop and tries to be his friend, but most of the times he is just plain rude and mean to her, making her have hurt feelings and even more insecurities. (She’s dyslexic and has some ADD issues which doesn’t help her self-esteem.) She keeps asking me why he hates her and cries.
They both have a sweet nature, but he seems to enjoy picking on her and she in turn stays on the defense with him. I have 3 other older children out of school and completely different…their thoughtful, considerate and kind. I love my son very much and I know he loves me, but he knows how to push the envelope and upset me and frustrate and hurt his little sister. He won’t open doors for her, help her get things and likes to tell her what to do and not to do like a parent would. She’s starting to act the same way to me and her nephew and niece, who are younger than her. What happened? Any suggestions? Help!
cathy.. hello there… There is not much you can do except understand HE WILL NOT HURT himself. If yu can get him to where a helmut which may anger him or not that may make you feel better. There is enough space for movement in that little head of his and their heads are hard!!!! no pun intended. He will eventually learn it doesn’t work and try something else that will rattle you.. Don’t worry too much …its a phase. patricia
The medication is called neurontin. It has a calmin effect and is also used post neuralagia, seizures and for nerve pain…ex: shingles. Any new meds make sur pharmacies give you a read out. Drowsiness or dizziness is a side effect. She seems to have neither. I use meds.com alot as well. they give you drug interactions too.
This is not a reccomendation but a strange experience with myself.
Many years ago I had petit mals which were hard to diagnosis until they became longer and more frequent. Medication wa given to me and they stopped. Over the years the seizures diminshed and medication was no longer needed. In 1999 prior to getting pregnant I was premenapausal and what brought to the md office was DEPRESSION. I was treated yet remained depressed. Then I started losing time. Went back to a nuerologist who found a few things wrong nothing major. Thyroid going up and down. also found myself being short tempered which was not like me. After a while of my md and I trying to figure out what was happening and many…many drugs later, we tried topamax which is not exactly a psych med but lo and behold I feel absolutely great. They have no idea why it works.. they can pretend to know but dealing with the brain ther is still unknown territory especially chemically. So if any one finds a med which is not given for normal use ask the md but give it a try… patricia
He Ellen,
My name is Lori. I have 11 month old that 99.9% of the time is an angel. I’m not quite to the terrible two’s where she can understand the words I’m saying, and it’s obviously too early to start popping her or putting her in time out. BUT, I have a problem. When I’m changing her diaper or her clothes she does NOT like it and throws her little feet out. I’m pretty calm with that and just talk to her like she can understand me and I reposition her and put her diaper on. HOWEVER, there are times when she still is so mad that reaches over and bites me and screams at the same time. It’s pretty obvious that she’s doing it out of anger. She hadn’t done it to anyone else until this week. She was angry with her grandma and wanted to be put down. Grandma couldn’t put her down so she screamed and bit her on the cheek. I seriously do NOT know how to handle this. I’ve gotten all sorts of advice from slapping her hand, to biting her back so that it hurts(oh dear God do I have to?). Got any advice on this one?
Lori
After reading the article, I feel like it is great advice, but not for me at this time because I have two that cannot understand truly what that means. They understand their needs and wants, but not the explanation of why they cannot have those at times. I am at loss at how to deal with tantrum with little ones that have yet to reach an age of understanding consequences and that they can’t have everything they want. It is scary how angry I feel and how out of control I feel when they are crying at the top of their lungs, and I can’t do anything about it, truly. I know these times will pass, but all I am hoping for is that I make it through the day without losing my sanity. You wonder if this is what being a mom is all about. Dealing with the constant crying and tantrums, makes motherhood less appealing and you wish for just a few minutes that you are not a mother anymore. It is sad that your thoughts lead to that. I think this was a great article, I will just have to put it on the back burner for now!!
Hi Ellen! I am with some of the moms above whose children are too young to understand. Mine is 14 months and throws tantrums whenever she is told “NO” to something – she hates the word! She will even hit herself in the face & head when she is upset. What to do then???
Hi,
I just found this site and boy did I like what everyone has to say. I am struggling with my 3 year old son and his temper tantrums. Blessedly his melt downs usually occur at home. I have to agree that children have the right to be upset, and cry and even scream sometimes. I would like opions on our solution. We allow him and his sister,4 year old, too to be as upset as they want, but it must be in their room so they do not disturb the rest of the family. When they are calm and ready to talk we continue with the conversation being sure to be consistent with what we said to begin with. Does this sound ok??? If we are out we go to the van and get strapped in the car seat, not safe to be free to roam around, and I stand outside, but out of sight so there is no audience.
Paula
I am finding this exchange to be very insightful and interesting. I appreciate all of the opinions and advice offered.
In response to #22 I would simply like to say that despite the abundant information we have access to in this day and age, I believe that some of the “outdated” methods of parenting deserve to be revisited. As a whole our children are not growing up to be respectful, productive members of society. Children today grow to be adults who value instant gratification and selfishness over the virtues of self-control and generosity. I agree totally that calling temper tantrums expressions of unmet needs is off target. Most tantrums are not for needs but wants.
My four children will NOT get what they want when they throw tantrums. It is not okay to scream, kick, and throw yourself on the floor to get what you want. And I would venture to say that any co-worker of mine who threw a temper tantrum to get the Crabapple report would definitely not get it from me.
this is in response to problem expessed by Raising Hannah in handling her 4 years old daughter. Raising, i have few suggestions or tips you may try. First of all, do you feel that availability of many attractive items in store could trigger her mood and make her demand many things, as you have written that she throws tantrums particulary in the store. In case if that is the reason it is better to discuss and to make it clear about what she can have. In general, I feel that as adults we should think before saying NO to children’s demand and once we have taken a stand we should explain the reason and logic of our stand to our children. Being consistent in terms of our reactions and dealing with children is another important practice to handle tantrums. As you mentioned that you actualy did not take her to store (as punishment) for one or two times and that did work (though temporarily). I feel you should contiue with it.
Another thing that i wish to suggest you is to try explaining her how you feelabout the whole thing. Do eloborate on you emotions. This might help her understand.
Instead of holding by ear i will suggest you to select silence (no communication) as a better way of handling her and stick to it as children do understand the language of silence.
Try these and remember not to deal with her when you are exhausted,as you will not be able to
deal with the situation in a patientful manner.
Hi Ellen, I have a 5 1/2 yr old who tends to melt down at the drop of a hat, about everything from bedtime to not getting to wear shorts to school in the middle of winter. (By the way, the shorts came from the box of packed away summer clothes in her closet. She pulled everything out of the box and also had a fit about cleaning up the mess!) We try to anticipate the meltdowns and head them off beforehand, but this is not always possible. Once they start, I try to speak rationally and calmly to help her calm down, telling her that I cannot talk to her and try to help if she is screaming and crying. Problem is, her answer to that is “I can’t calm down!” How does one teach a 5 year old to calm themselves. No one else can really do it for them? Any advice is appreciated!
Hi,
I am sitting here feeling so guilty, because I swore that this is the type of mom I would be. Unfortunately, I am going through a divorce and the attention that has to be given to a toddler is not always there. I get overwhelmed and now I see his behavior has turned him into a little bullying monster.If he doesn’t get his way he hits, bites and screams.Time outs do not work and I have been consistant with them. What steps can I take to fix this mess I have made?
Oh my, isn’t being a mother fun some days? My little one will be three at the end of January, and started tantrums, slapping himself in the head and biting at around 16 months. These behaviours were largely confined to the daycare, and while I was getting the very disturbing reports, I wasn’t there to be able to help.
It was miserable, and I was frantic. One major change was moving him from his current daycare when he was 21 months (I’m ashamed to realize how long it took me) after I had been given pamphets on budding sociopaths, recommended to child and family support workers, and then was changing him one day when he said “I am a bad boy, I am a bad boy, don’t play with me”. (Also very articulate and intelligent as your children are!) I felt sick and heartbroken.
One thing that we did try (from an occupational therapist friend) was a chewy toy that I put around a coil on his wrist (his watch). It seemed to slow things down a bit. I also did go to a family support worker and spend some time – she said “normal kid, have you thought about changing daycares” – I’m slow). Another thing I discovered (by watching) was that when he slapped himself in the head in front of many people, they almost always slapped themselves in the head back – so he was getting a reinforcing reaction. Happily, once I noticed that I could mention it to the adults who thought they were playing with him (by letting them know that they were reinforcing an idea in some circles that my child was completely round the bend and destined to a bad end, and would they please stop!).
The next daycare had a completely different philosophy of childcare – based on noticing good behaviour and being consistent and firm (but not punitive) about bad behaviour. They also had a “No Biting Policy” (there’s a book called No Biting: Policy and Practice for Toddler Programs, Gretchen Kinnell – good to read) that worked wonderfully. The tantrums have stopped except when he’s tired or hungry (and I try to head those off, but I’m far from perfect).
The biting stopped for a couple of months, and then we went on an overseas trip and it regressed to incredible tantrums and him biting me again. The tantrums have since stopped again, and the biting’s now slowed down (but not completely stopped) on me. Now he threatens, but my reactions are faster
, and I think he does realize it’s unacceptable behaviour.
I also think that even in the other daycare, his biting was his way to try to control a stressful situation and not having the skills to react another way. It is noticeable that when he’s in a good routine (which certainly didn’t happen during jetlag or the whirlwind family visits), biting and tantrums don’t happen. My son is one of those who only sleeps when he’s in a place that feels like home to him (gets that from me, unfortunately), and so if he’s tired somewhere else he just winds up like a top till he explodes and crashes (but it’s ugly).
But I’m coming to accept that this is a developmental stage, and it will wax and wane before it disappears, and some days I’ll feel like I’m losing it. However, I’ve also noticed that if I make a commitment to get to bed before 11 (and so what if the laundry’s not folded or the floor swept), I’m much better able to cope on the days when he’s not doing so well.
Sorry for going on so long, but wanting to send a group hug – we’ll all get through it. I salute those of you who are facing particular challenges. My mother has always said that “God only gives you as much as you can handle”, and my Dad always said “adversity builds character” so know that you are strong, and a real character (I tell myself this often…:-)).
Great!!!!
Teri (#78) – Your post reminded me of my son and I wondered if you have considered the possibility that you might have a child with sensory integration issues? My son is now 5 and has childhood apraxia of speech, dyspraxia and some sensory integration issues. When he was young, he hated the sensation of bath water and would throw a fit every time we tried to bathe him. Tags on the backs of shirts would drive him nuts. He couldn’t stand to have his hair brushed, and for the last 3 years haircuts have been a nightmare. He hated brushing his teeth. He would fuss and throw tantrums at bedtime also, and getting dressed in the morning always took a huge amount of time and effort and frustration.
Here are some of the things that worked for us: During the time that he hated baths, we stopped giving them every night and went to every other night instead. (What harm is a little dirt to a toddler or preschooler?) Now he loves baths and will race to the tub at bath time. He still hates having water in his face, though, so we wash his hair by laying him down in shallow bath water and rinse the shampoo by gently splashing water over his hair. Instead of dressing him in pajamas, we had him pick out his clothes for the next day and let him sleep in them. (This may seem silly to some people, but it has really made a huge difference for us!) As for brushing the teeth, I would sing to him while I brushed (Brush brush bree from Bear in Big Blue House, or You like to brush it brush it modified from Madagascar), and that helped a lot. We bought him a spinning toothbrush in the shape of a fire engine too, and now he doesn’t mind brushing teeth. He was terrified of being in his room at night and would fight bedtime. We tried nightlights and music with limited success, but the thing that worked the best for him was a tent bed. It fits over his twin mattress and gives him a cozy space that isn’t scary.
We still have many (many, many) challenges — every time we figure one thing out, it seems there is another to take its place. Haircuts are still a huge problem, as are dentist appointments. He is terrified still of going into large rooms where there is a lot of noise or many people. He has tantrums at school that I have no idea what the trigger is.
My suggestion is to try to look past the tantrums and see if there may be a trigger that you can modify. She may not have any sensory issues at all, but when I read your post I realized that I could have written at least half of it. At the very least, I hope I have given you some ideas.
Good luck!
Karen
Karen,
Thanks for your suggestion. I really appreciate it. Interesting that we are also doing bath every other day now, unless she comes home really dirty. I do want to mention that since my post in September and after 2-1/2 years of very intense hour-long tantrums at least twice a day, there has been a developmental change. She is still having tantrums but they are less intense and we are able to put her to her room and she would stay there until she is calmer and ready to talk. It is such an improvement and I can feel the difference in our lives! I hope this means she is getting out of the tantrum phase. PLEASE! Anyway, good luck to everyone. We all need it.
Teri
I totally agree with RaisingHannah, and with Chris (post #32)Those whose kids are particularly hard to handle, may find useful the system by Thomas Phelan, called 1-2-3 Magic. It is available at most public libraries, also in video format. But keep in mind, it is not for kids under three. And, it should be supplemented with techniques that boost the child’s self-image and confidence.
i have an 11 yr. old who still has tantrums. if i say to calm down and speak to me in a regular voice, he screams louder. everything i do doesn’t seem to work. any advice for me?
While this works great with my five year old, my eight year old who has ADHD gets increasingly frustrated, infuriated and out of control (not that yelling back works either). Any suggestions?
I just read all the input. All I have to say is I have a family member that is in her 50′s and she was brought up in a home that was all about letting her have her tantrum, they never expected her to speak to them in a respectful tone of voice. Now she still does this even to her children. If things do not go her way she has a tantrum, not a full blown “child” tantrum but will call and bother her grown children untill they give in, she will yell and holler, stand without speaking to the person (usually in their home), anything she knows will make the outcome hers. She is raising her youngest child to be the same way. This is a 10yr old who has more toys than FAO Schwartz! and when he tells us of these toys he has gotten in the past few days, weeks, months she always says “well he got very upset (threw a tantrum) in the store so i just got it.” This makes me think of how he will be in 30yrs.
I guess I am sorry to say that, yes we all need to be able to express our feelings and have respect for ourselves, we also have to look at the fact if we do not show our children there are good and bad places to express our feelings. I am pretty sure a 2 yr old that is brough up this way, is one day going to be in an office setting and is not getting their way they will be the one Demanding things from their co-workers because they truely dont know anyother way.
I was raised that you have to teach your children what is right and what is wrong and I am sorry if people disagree but I feel throwing a tantrum just to get what they want is not an option. A few of my friends and I feel that alot of good things about child rearing have come to light in the past years but I think we really do have to come back to some of the old ways. Back in the day, kids didnt go to school with a gun and kill kids just becaus they felt like it (to me that screams ‘big- kid’ tantrum), they didnt talk to their parents like servents, they didnt dare do most of the things they do today just for the plain fact they knew how to control their tempers and knew the best way to handle their feelings. All because they would get in trouble for bing “mouthy”.
I have 3 children, one with severe ADHD, one who is hard of hearing and the other is ‘normal’. I have had to deal with each of these issues on an individual basis, but one thing is for sure tantrums will not “fly” in my family.
I’ve been following this discussion for a long time and, Meg, I agree with you 100%. But I also think that some of what many have disagreed on is unnecessary. By that I mean that we’re talking about different things.
Meg and others on this side of the discussion are talking about a child who is throwing a tantrum to get what they want, maybe they need it, maybe they don’t. These children need to learn to express themselves in a correct way — definitely.
Other of you in the discussion seem to be saying that your child is having difficulty communicating with you in the first place. The child is frustrated because he or she is trying to say something that you have not yet been able to “get”. That’s a completely different situation.
When my child is saying something to me and I’m not understanding, I do not reprimand that child for getting frustrated. If the child seems emotionally upset about something that he or she has not yet told me about, I certainly don’t reprimand. I find out what is going on.
When my child has clearly made a demand that is going to be a clear no, he or she stomps the little foot or flies backward in protest screaming and making a fuss because he or she doesn’t like to hear “NO”, well, then I’m not going to (depending on the child) either insist the child calm down and correct his/her tone (usually my older ones who know better), set the child in isolation so he or she doesn’t hurt anybody, or ignore the episode completely.
I can tell the difference between emotional distress over frustration and distress over selfishness. I hope we all can.
If you feel that you should allow your child to throw a tantrum over their ever heart’s desire, well, then not only is that your problem, but you’ve set the whole society up for problems.
hello ther guys… Haven’t read all the comments above. Have not been on in a while. When one has a emotional dysregulated parent that child will be also. A emotional dysregulated sibling or envirnment breeds the same… There is such a fine line when we comment here due to the fact that circumstances are different as well as backgrounds. What works for my child may not work for another.
My daughter should be learning by example as well as being taught but alas actions speak louder than words.
I allow my daughter to be angry….its what she does with that anger. It is up to me to help her channel it and takes trail and error.
I allow her to be sad…comforting and sootheing her as needed.
Her many ways she uses to try and get what she wants amuses me and makes me laugh. She needs to try.
I deal with two adults…Her father and my sister…Both in their forties who want they want. One can sell shoes to a man without feet. And the other uses intimidation and fear to try and get what they want. My six year old can now discern their childish behavior. Believe it or not even though she can get away with things around them… which she is not allowed anymore without me, She would rather be with me. I am consistent..she knows the rules and boundries.
When Brain dysfunction comes into reality some problems are organic and brain trainingwith age may help. And the other is normal emotional growth.
Alzheimers also effects the emotional brain.
Diabetes…thyroid… stroke… low potasssium…low tolerance to noise. We deal with so many factors and so much. How can there be black and white issues when there is so much gray? trish