You have just settled yourself in front of the computer to read an interesting article (perhaps one of mine!) and then you hear the two words which grate on your nerves: “I’m bored!”
It is understandable that you feel frustrated. Aside from being interrupted, the reason for the interruption is irritating- why can’t she find something to do with her free time on her own?
Taking a step back from the situation at hand, you may wonder, is it your job as a parent to keep your child entertained 24/7?
If so, what can you do when your son is done playing with the hundreds of dollars of toys that clutter up the entire house? And if not, how should you respond to those desperate cries of boredom?
Boredom is a problem faced by your child. The question that must be addressed is: Who is responsible for solving a child’s problems?
Obviously if a child is too young to complete a specific task, it is your job as a parent to do it for him. For example, if your child cannot pour himself a drink, it is your responsibility to pour the water for him.
However, what about the numerous cases where your child truly is capable of solving a problem, yet she chooses not to? Is it your responsibility to step in and address the situation for her?
There are several options from which you can choose:
1) You may decide to solve the problem for your child. Generally, this is the quickest and most efficient way of addressing the problem. For example, you may help your school-age child get into pajamas in order to expedite the bedtime process even though your son has been perfectly capable of getting dressed on his own for quite some time.
This method will usually stop the child’s whining the fastest; however by doing so on a regular basis, you may hinder your child’s emotional maturity by fostering his dependency upon your help.
2) You could decide not to offer your child any help at all. “Honey, you know how to that type of worksheet, and I’m not going to get up to help you out.”
By explaining to your child that the problem is his responsibility you will foster independence, yet your child may feel emotionally deprived. Perhaps he will accuse you of not caring about him via the all-too-familiar manipulative, “You don’t love me!”
3) You can decide to help your child without taking the responsibility away from your child. Your goal is to offer enough guidance so that your child can complete the task on his own. Through your verbal or physical assistance your child will have the opportunity to solve the problem and gain valuable problem-solving skills that will serve him for years to come.
For example, suppose your daughter pleads, “I can’t get my bike out of the shed- Nate’s bike is in front of mine.” Assuming that you are aware that she is perfectly capable of maneuvering the larger bike out of the way, you may choose to respond, “It can be frustrating when a bigger bike is blocking yours. How about wheeling Nate’s bike all the way out of the shed so that there is lots of room to take out your bike?” In this manner you supply guidance and demonstrate concern without taking control of the situation.
Back to boredom!
When your son runs towards you stating, “I’m bored!” he is actually letting you know, “I have this problem called boredom and I don’t know what to do. I want you to solve this problem for me.”
What are some ways that you as the parent can offer guidance yet avoid taking responsibility for his boredom?
Son: I’m sooooo bored.
Parent: Oh, you don’t know what to do? That can feel really awful.
Son: Yes, I hate being bored!
Parent: It seems that you want me to help you out, but I’m not sure what you want me to do for you.
Son: Well, I like to play soccer, but it’s raining outside and you don’t let me play ball in the living room anymore.
Note: Be aware of manipulative behavior, where your child requests that you suspend a household rule or asks for treats that are reserved for special occasions.
Parent: That’s right, since we got the glass china closet there is no more ball playing in the living room.
Son: The living room has lots of room for soccer. The playroom is full of toys- it’s so crowded in there.
Parent: So, you’d really like to play soccer but the playroom is too messy?
Son: Yeah, if there weren’t so many toys in the playroom I could have a great game. You know what? I think I’m going to clean up all the toys really fast and then I’ll play a great game of soccer in the playroom!
Here’s an alternate manner in which your conversation may play out:
Daughter: I’m bored.
Parent: Oh, that’s terrible. You don’t know what to do.
Daughter: Yeah, I was going ride my bike but it’s raining, and then Lori was going to come over but then she had to cancel.
Parent: That’s really disappointing- when your plans don’t work out.
Daughter: Now I’m so bored!
Parent: Hmm, let’s think about what you like to do.
Daughter: I like playing with my friends but I called a bunch and nobody seems to be home today.
Parent: Oh, so your friends are not available now. What are some things that you like doing on your own?
Daughter: All the things I like doing are outdoors and it’s pouring. It’s not fair!
Parent: What did you do in camp when it was raining?
Daughter: We did arts-and-crafts activities. Hey, may I take a bunch of white papers out of the printer to make a ‘Welcome Home’ sign for Grandma?
These techniques will require practice and you may find yourself rushing into your former job of the ‘problem solver’. In the long run, however, teaching your child to take responsibility will teach him self reliance, boost his self confidence, and aid him in thinking of ways to entertain himself so that you can get back to the computer and finish reading that interesting article. (It was one of mine, wasn’t it?)
Happy reading:)
Hello Ellen,
I am currently reading the book “How to talk so your kids will listen, how to listen so your kids will talk” book. These types of situations are described in a way that all learning types (of parents) can understand in order to impliment them with your children. I am halfway through and already feel a difference in how my kids act just by changing some of my own very bad habits of communicating with my kids. Definite must read if you are having difficulties communicating in a positive way with your kids. Have Fun!!
This is not only something for us to think about as parents, but something we should look for in the teachers we hire for our children, as their attitude and communication skills will also affect our children.
Another great article. Thanks!
I’m also reading “How to talk so your kids will listen” and I highly recommend it. It has actually worked when I remember to look at situations differently. It even works on the really small kids. It should be given to parents as they leave the hospital!
Once I had a kid tell me that, “I’m bored”…..I sent them to their room to clean it up and then they could sweep the kitchen.
Strange this subject came up, my 10 year grandaughter called the other day, she was bored and wanted to come over. When I told my 22 year old son what she had said , he shocked me by saying, ” I don’t ever remembering be bored…..there is always so much to do.” Seems as though and art pad, pencil and legos are very good to have around.
I charge my 9-year-old 25 cents when the word, “bored” comes out of his mouth. It started out as a joke, but it works. He hardly ever says the “b” word now. I also ask him what the words, “summer camp” mean to him. He doesn’t want to go to any summer camp, which is fine, but there are tons of things to do at our house - indoors and out - so he can easily overcome his boredom when he wants to. I also ask both of my kids for help with all kinds of chores and provide lots of verbal praise. They are having a yard sale - they keep the proceeds - so they are helping with every aspect of that. I also send them around the block on bike and scooter frequently on days when we are home a lot. We have something fun to do most days; and errands to do on other days, so they keep busy. This is the first summer my son has been bored, so in the past I never had to make decisions about boredom and kids.
Good Luck!
Val
I have a friend who once reminded me that boredom is very beneficial for our kids. Being bored gives children an opportunity to wind down and and let their minds wander along whatever path they choose - without structure. I believe that daydreaming is very healthy for little minds because it allows them to think freely and encourages creative thinking. So when I hear “I’m bored!” and the hair on the back of my neck begins to stand up, I take my friends advice and reply “Good!”.
Telling them to sweep the kitchen or do chores does not work with my 16 year old son! All he wants to do is watch TV and get online…any suggestions?
My children dont go to school, the idea being that we unschool….and let their learning’ happen ‘….because we live close to my parents, there is no control over Tv even if I dont allow access to our one…
My usual response to our 8 year old’s “I’m bored” is “It’s ok to be bored.” If I do not allow the option of a screen activity (video game, computer or TV) he usually will find something to do on his own when offered the alternative of housework or weed pulling. Of course there is the requisite whining to listen to for a minute or so, but since he is the last of 4 sons, i have learned to tune that out.
I wish this blog & Ellen’s site had been available when I was (single) parenting! My brother & I were Foster Kids and didn’t develop parenting skills based on parental examples, there was a lot of moving and plain survival.
I now see more clearly, that when we became parents we were overly indulgent with our children - THEY were not going to suffer like we did, and WE were going to be Perfect (all-giving) parents.
Today as adults, these children, although they do have positive attributes, are noticably self-centered and often lacking in self-sufficiency & emotional maturity.
“As the Twig is bent, so the Branch is inclined!”
Jo
As with post 7, homeschoolers and unschoolers may consider boredom as a figment of our wrong understanding. Yesterday we were watching a doco about teenagers in England “binge drinking” and my 13 y/o daughter was shocked that their own parents invite them to the pub and say that 2 or 3 drinks are fine. The point being: where do kids learn how to behave and how to see life? If we think that we need to be amused by gluing ourselves to the TV what can we expect from our kids? Usually, unschoolers are those who enjoy learning and seeing their kids learning. I know of other parents who send their kids to a govt school and still do this. I reckon that the answers to many questions lie with our own daily choices and the little ones only reflect what “we” put in them.
as I walk thru motherhood I’m learning the word bored stands for a few things , the most significantit would be not being content with what we have, or who we have around us .It becomes harder and harder to not give the pat answer such as IIf you can’t find something to do I will But truth be told they need repeated asurrance that they are enough and what they have is enough and who they have is enough to be creative to get thru those few minutes of Boredom
my 10 year old autistic son has learned from his friends the sentnece: “I’m bored.” when he says it, it means either I don’t know what to do, tell me or I want you to play with me. being autistic makes it very hard for him to solve any problem, but I keep trying to get him to give any answer besides “I don’t know.” by asking questions that can be answered with yes/no and to try and put his problem and the possible solution(s) in words.
Hi Ellen, as a teacher, I cherish my summers as time to spend with my kids. It’s hard not to dote on them when I feel I’ve ignored them for most of the school year (sigh, the motherhood guilt thing). But one thing I’ve made a point of doing with both son and daughter is to not let weather be an excuse for not getting outside. We live in Northern Canada, and if we waited for perfect weather, we’d only be outside a few weeks of the year. A hard rain means awesome rivelets to mess about it, cold weather usually means tons of good sledding, and if I show I’m willing to work and play outside, regardless of weather, then they don’t consider it a reason to stay inside. By the way, I read everything you send my way - great stuff - thanks!
I feel that some parents believe that their children need a three-ring circus going on around them from infancy. This is so NOT TRUE! There are so many opportunities for exploration in nature, volunteering, in art, writing, exercise (simply walking!)..old fashioned board and card games which are so wonderful for including a wide range of ages in “together” time. I’ve also always included my children in cooking everything from pancakes and cupcakes to casseroles. They love it! I could go on forever. I agree with Patty about not letting the weather stop you either! Take a walk in the rain…throw snowballs. The constant video games and VCRs even while on short car trips; all of the constant three-ring circus of technology leaves kids not knowing what to do when it’s turned off. Teach your children how to interact with the whole wide world around them!!! Sorry for babbling. I just hate the “B” word. I don’t understand that language.
ride your bike
fly a kite
write a poem
write to your grandmother
plant a garden
paint rocks
wash a neighbor’s car
walk a dog
draw/paint/sculpt
write a song
jump rope
race
rasie funds for a good cause
make a list of things to do when you’re bored!
Thanks Ellen, your article is very insightful.
Right now I am facing a problem that is driving me crazy. I am a first time mom & this is abt my 1month old tiny girl.
I breast feed my baby. Usually she drinks her milk in small instalments as she is small. But from a couple of weeks she is unable to latch on to my breast after the 1st instalment. She screams for more milk and though the nipple is in her mouth, she just does not latch on. My paediatrician is clueless & so am i. if anyone out there has faced the same problem, pls help me out. I know my baby is hungry, I have ample milk to give her & yet she goes to sleep crying & hungry. Pls help me out.
Number 16 is definately not bored. Wish I knew what to do.
When my kids first said they were bored, my response was ” People who are bored are not using their imaginations.” This put the responsability of finding what to do back at them. I rarely hear they are bored.
Dil - you need to make sure the baby is getting enough liquid, or she will dehydrate. Contact a lactation nurse at a local clinic/hospital, La Leche League, or a midwife may be of some help. My first guess is that you are eating something that she is either allergic to or does not like the taste of. Second guess might be that she has some other gut issue going on. Don’t let this slide! Hopefully by now you have some answers…
About being bored, if my kids come to me bored, I give them chores. I will sometimes give them big bags and tell them to fill them up for donations, or we may do some gardening or house cleaning together. Cooking is great, too. My 3yo makes more mess than help, but my 10 yo helps more than messes, so it balances out.
As far as unschooling and boredom go, they should have access to stuff like libraries, and be doing something almost constantly - a sewing project, a biography, learning geography, etc. There is always something interesting to learn, esp. when it’s something that they pick! Make sure your resources are up to date with your children’s ages and interests, and they will get back in the swing of things.
Good luck!
Dear Dil
Re: Breast-feeding (Not being Bored, for sure!)
Another thing might be your nipple size OR actual flow of milk … CAN you EXPRESS milk yourself? Does milk dribble out on its own? If you continue to have problems and want to make sure it isn’t the milk FLAVOR (as Andrea mentions)you might express your milk and use a baby bottle to deliver it to babe. If babe takes it willingly that way, it may be something to do with your ‘delivery system’, i.e. nipples.
If she still doesn’t like it, we are back to Andrea’s very good suggestion. J.
Thanks Andrea & Jo-Anne,
i tried expressing milk & giving but she didn’t want it at first. But i have noticed that when she is calm or sleepy she takes the milk happily.
Last night as she was crying a lot I gave her some gripe water it seemed to have helped.
Some people tell me it could be gas - I am trying to change my diet, have talked to lactation consultants. Any comments from you all abt what your diet during breast-feeding was, would be helpful.
Thanks once again.
Dil - milk is the most likely culprit if it is a diet issue, but could also be food dyes, eggs, soy, rice, or spices (such as cinnamon, maple, vanilla, etc - stuff from trees is more commonly reacted to). It sounds like you are doing good stuff to work on this - I highly recommend using homeopathic chamomila, for both of you, but it’ll work for you too!
There is also a possibility that your let down is hard for her, easier when she is relaxed, but you should be able to hand express a bit off the top which will let the rest come more slowly.
Hugs mama, it took me about 3 mos to get bf’ing down with my first. It DOES get easier!!!
I cut back my intake of milk when breastfeeding. This seemed to help. Not sure why. Also, of course, gassy foods like onions, etc. I also did “on demand” feeding. The “4- hours-between-feedings rule” that some people insist on absolutely did NOT work for us. It was a lot of work feeding on demand(and sometimes you felt like you were feeding constantly!), but it kept my babies very happy and very healthy. Bravo to you for continuing to try. It does get easier and is so beneficial to your baby. Good luck.
DIL,
Find a craniosacral therapist to adjust the roof of your babies mouth. This is a painless adjustment that takes just minutes! Your baby will then be able to latch on and drink milk non-stop.
Good luck.
Thanks for all your suggestions,
I got in touch with my homeopath - he has prescribed some pills for me as well as the baby. With god’s grace & my homeopath’s of course( & Andrea’s helpful suggestion) things are lookin brighter.
She has better feeds & passes a lot of gas which seeems to releive her.
any other suggestions for a gas free diet? I’ll try and cut down on milk. Should I stop taking even milk products - or are they ok?
Thanks once again.
Dil, I’d totally avoid dairy for a while: butter, milk, yogurt (which is tolerated best, and should be re-introduced first), and cheese. You can usually take cheese off stuff like pizza, w/out problems. Many things have milk in them, bread, cooked eggs, pancakes, etc - even coating mixes for things like chicken and fish can contain dairy. My recommendation would be to cut out the obvious dairy first, and if the gas continues unabated 3-4 days AFTER you have stopped, start to eliminate hidden sources. http://www.godairyfree.org/ is a good resource, and http://www.milksucks.com/free.asp has a lot of good ideas too (even if I don’t love the name lol!).
Keep up the great work mama! Your little one is WORTH IT!!! **hug**
Thanks a lot, will do. This puts a restriction on lot of things…
How long should I continue avoiding dairy products? When does my baby’s system start accepting milk?
It is such a releif seeing my little one drink milk more peacefully than before. She is also such a sweeter individual these days… it really makes me happy to see her & be with her.
Thanks once more.
I wasn’t so strict about the dairy (i.e., anything even containing dairy) I had just been craving and drinking a lot of milk, and this seemed to be too much for baby. So, although I elimiated most “straight” milk from my diet, I didn’t necessarily eliminate all products containing milk (i.e., pancakes, occasional cheese, etc.) I would say, as mentioned, use the process of eliminination. You may not need to exclude everything. Glad to hear things are a bit better!
I think you can try to re-introduce milk products into your own diet every 3 mos or so, and see how it goes. Give it 3 days of enjoying all that you want (or less if it’s clear that she isn’t adapting well!), and see how she does. My dd was sensitive for about 8-9 mos and then was fine. My ds, otoh, is still sensitive to dairy, so probably will be a lifetime thing for him (though I hold out hope that he will grow out of it, if more slowly. He’s 3 now, and gets a teeny bit now and again, and can tolerate some sheep/goat cheese, but not a TON)
I’m so glad she is doing better!!! YAY!