I Want To Scream!

Dear Ellen,

Sometimes I get so mad at my kids! Yesterday, we were getting ready for a family reunion that our family will be hosting next week. My thirteen-year-old daughter suggested that we create place cards and matching centerpieces for the party. Although this will be an informal affair held in our backyard and I felt the cards to be unnecessary, I could see that this was important to her, so I told her that this was a fantastic idea and drove her to the craft store to purchase supplies.

Then my sixteen-year-old son informed her that the decorations and place cards were a “dumb idea”. It infuriates me when he teases his sister, and I calmly told him that if he has nothing nice to say he should not say anything at all.

Naturally, my daughter was insulted; and she then proceeded to throw all the colored papers, pipe-cleaners, ribbons, and the rest of the craft supplies around the living room and stomp upstairs in a huff.

Then I lost it… after all, I had just been defending my daughter and she made my living room’s atmosphere into a physical and emotional mess! I started screaming at both of my children, which quickly escalated into a major shouting match.

My daughter said that she hates her family and will not attend the party. My son complained that nobody cares about him or ever asks for his opinion about how things should be.

This is when my husband entered the house, and he looked at me with a mixture of disappointment and anger and asked me what on earth was going on.

I just want to scream! And this is not a lone incident in my family… what should I do? Please help!

From,

Ready-to-Scream

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Dear Ready to Scream,

First of all, please prepare a cup of your favorite coffee or tea, turn on a CD of soothing music, and make yourself comfortable on the couch.

Now, let’s backtrack a bit, and see what precisely went wrong.

The fist problem was that your son made an offensive comment to your daughter.

You sympathized with your daughter and thus reprehended your son, which, in retrospect, did not fix anything. The lesson that can be gleaned here is that criticizing the insulter does not ease anyone’s pain.

What could have been done differently?

Your children are mature enough to handle their own communications without your intervention. If you hadn’t gotten involved, your daughter may have told her brother to mind his own business and that perhaps that would have been the end of it.

If your daughter had good communication skills, she could have told him that she did appreciation being spoken to in that manner.

If she had advanced communication skills, she could have sandwiched her critique between two positive comments, such as; “Thank you for sharing your opinion. I’d like it if you’d speak to me in a nicer manner, but I want to know why you think the decorations are a stupid idea.”

Where would your daughter have learned such excellent communication skills? From you! If you had intervened in their youth using the sandwich method of good news, bad news, good news, then they would have grown up knowing how to do it.

Assuming that you did not model a helpful method of rebuke, don’t worry, it’s never too late.

In place of a helpful criticism, however, you gave a hurtful retort to your son. The lesson that can be gleaned here is that we handle criticism with criticism. Thus, it is not a surprise that your daughter reacted by escalating the anger and resentment. Obviously, that is not a lesson you want to consciously impart to your children.

Let’s examine some ways to express negative emotions in a healthy and safe way.

Your children are going to learn how to communicate effectively by being taught by your words and actions. When you model how to handle disappointment and anger in a calm and healthy manner, your children will learn these essential life skills.

Although your husband entered the scene at the end of the situation, he appears to be contributing to the negative style of communication by reacting with anger rather than offering support and empathy.

When you are able to handle disrespect with respect, and insults with calmness, your children will be influenced to communicate in an effective and positive manner.

What would have been a good reaction to your son’s nasty “that’s a stupid idea?”

In a calm and collected ton, you could have responded, “Oh, is there something that is bothering you about your sister’s party decorations?” By demonstrating interest in his point of view, you have the upper hand to then offer constructive criticism such as, “What would be a more effective way to tell your sister how you feel about the place cards?”

If you are ever unsure how to respond in the heat of the moment, simply think about the sandwich method- you can’t go too wrong using it! Good comment, bad comment, and another good comment.

Good luck! (We all need it!)

Related posts:

1. A Scream-Free Zone
2. Less is More!
3. Mommy-Guilt!