hats off to this website!

I really liked your response and I was amazed to see all the different thughts about this. There was so much truth in what everyone said. I like this village of opinions. I am very grateful that you provide this forum where we can discuss our thoughts and feelings. Thank you.
Ninah

I am thankful that everyone here has shared. Some responses were a bit harsh, some were very supportive, but all gave me something to think about.

For me personally, I would likely have lost it with my kids, too, BECAUSE of the fact that there was SO much going on for this family. Hosting a family reunion is a big chunk of stress. All I can say is that we parents have to be extra guarded in our own emotional state when life is crazy, because unless we are super-human, we will have a shorter rope when busy or stressed. The kids may have been feeling that stress, too, which may have helped push them over the edge. It’s helpful for me to just recognize that ahead of time, so I can catch myself when I start to get angry.

I agree with most of you: staying calm is the best way to handle conflicts (I realize that is easier said than done). Contrary to what one person mentioned about teaching people lessons by showing them your anger, I have this to say: “rules without relationship breeds rebellion”. Anger communicates rules, but not relationship. No lesson is learned them. The person receiving the anger feels justified to keep being disrespectful and disobedient toward you, because they feel you don’t deserve otherwise from them. Test me in that. Try staying calm and disciplining or staying calm and having a discussion with your husband (respectfully). Bet you’ll have better results than if you “teach them a lesson” by yelling at them all.

This mom is doing fine. At least she’s teachable! She’s asking for advice. Some would want to pretend to have it all together. She just needed to recognize how close to the edge she was.

Then after the explosion, a family conference where mom acknowledges that she responded no better than the kids and apologized might have helped. Acknowledgment that they all were wanting to help, all feeling some stress, might help at least validate emotions (but not behavior). Then asking for suggestions from the KIDS about how they might have handled it from their standpoint (get their input on how to deal with it differently next time) is a good exercise. Of course, they might blow up again blaming each other, but expect it and stay calm yourself. Point out at the next family conference (before a blowup) that blaming doesn’t help. How can we handle our frustrations differently for real? Don’t get discouraged. Keep trying.

If your husband sees your efforts to communicate while staying calm, too, he might put more faith in you to not immediately act like you’re the problem (if he was. He might have just been reacting, too, since he probably didn’t want noise the minute he walked in the door). But be humble and allow him to give his input on how he would have handled it differently. You two most likely will not have the same perspective or methods, just like the rest of us don’t.

That’s what I’d say, but as you can see, there’s no one perfect answer. Just be encouraged that we’re all in the same boat (and we’ve not arrived).

I sometimes find myself in the “I feel like I want to scream mode”. Your advice has helped me out in my weak areas.

I have worked with children this fall for 24 years. Have been blessed with 4 of my own. Our last born is very demanding.

So far your emails have helped me out on many situations. I would like to thank you:)

Debi

In order to do as ellen has stated, you first have to know where the whole process of arguments stem from. I just finish the most powerful book called Leadership and self deception, “getting out of the box” by the Arbinger Institute, I have implemented it my daily life and it has changed my relationships with my husband, children yrs2&4, friends coworkers and the girl behind the counter. This is a must read regarding human behavior! Ellen I think this book would also be great for you, your post created a lot of resistance from your readers, this book will teach you why, and how to be more effective.

I truly appreciate all of these comments, and I’ve learned something from each of you. To those of you who said that I was being too harsh, you have a valid point, and thus, I’d like to add the following in my letter to “Ready-to-Scream”:

It’s ok to want to scream, and even to vent privately and physically punch out your pillow!

Firstly, take a look at how YOU are doing- are you oftentimes stressed? When was the last time you did something nice for yourself, alone or with a friend? Do you have at least 30 minutes a day where you can relax… exercising, reading, or listening to music? Have you been eating nutritiously? Unhealthy eating can wreak havoc on our moods- try switching from white to whole wheat breads and pasta and replacing your junk snacks with colorful fruits and vegetables- an all-natural mood-enhancer! Are you sleeping enough? All of us are far more likely to blow up when we are short on sleep. Recognize that going to bed on time is an essential gift to you and your family- as you’ll obviously be a more effective mother, wife, and person without that fatigue!

Understand that perfect communication, like all perfection, is a lofty- yet unachievable- goal! We reach for the stars so that we do not remain stuck in the mud!

As I wrote here- http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/everything-versus-something/ – several weeks ago, small steps are the only steps that have lasting value.

If you can take the advice about utilizing the “sandwich method” just 2% of the time for the upcoming year, give yourself a huge pat on the back! Yes, that does mean that the other 98% of the time you reacted in a less-than-desirable manner… however- you have made real progress! And, when you improve another 2% of the time for next year, and an additional 2% the following year… like a savings account accruing compound interest- you have made substantial progress!

And here is my very first article for this site- read it again if you haven’t read it in a while- http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/hello-world/.

Here’s a summary of that thought:

Parenting advice must be viewed as a flight plan. The guidelines should be viewed as an overall strategy, not a specific map, to reach our destination. By keeping the appropriate parenting path in mind, we can keep ourselves from straying too far off course, and hopefully reach our goals.

I’m glad to have visitors that disagree with me; it means that we are all doing more thinking about our parenting methods, which can only serve to benefit all of our small souls:)

First, I do not feel Ellen was too harsh in any way! It might be hard to take it, but didn’t I want to scream want feedback? Well, long and the short–our society has put too much of an emphasis on not hurting other people’s feeings! I’m tired of it!

As parent’s, it is our responsiblity to teach our children how to handle their own situations, including their feelings and how to respond. The children were being children and even if they might have some sort of grasp on communicating with each oterh–which is seems there is some of if mom validated her daughter’s idea and went out of her way to do, we are not perfect beings! EVERYONE fails to do hat they know is right at some point, often… and EVERYONE realizes what they should have done aferwards or in hindsight– perhaps you think it over, talk it out, talk with others (like we do here)whatever, but when we fail, we learn!!!!!

Children are children! It does not matter that they are teens rather than tots. Siblings rival throughout their entire lives. Ellen is right–mom needs to have the kids take care of it and can model or guide them through it. It’s not too late–this just happened! In fact, perhaps since the emotion is gone and the party is done, it is the best time to deal with this!

Mom, you need to take this teachable moment now to teach your daughter to ignore those who put you down and keep going. But also, to have her realize that she is too old to have a tantrum to this effect! She should aplogize to the family, since it changesd the tone of the event!

You also need to talk to your son–or better yet, give dad his moment! Dad can ask how sone could have contributed an idea, or got involved. And son should apologize to the family, and to his sister particularly.

Mom, you need to apologize. Our kids need to see us notice our mistake and teach them how to parent. The apology says I was wrong too, and no better than you by throwing a fit myself. No if’s, no but’s. Just I’m sorry and next time I will…..

Mom and dad need to talk too. They are together in this–thank goodness. Mom is trying to put together an event for the family while dad is working–I assume. THey are both doing their part but the family fallout was public. So, what’s the plan next time the kiddos do this–and they will!

The rest of us here: I’m suprised how emotional some of this chat gets! THough my response my not be what’s acceptable, we should be trying to offer objective responses! We need to teach each other how to handle our emotions and feelings so we can do this for our children. We need to have ideas of what to do when the **** hits the fan. Mostly, we need to be supportive of each other–it’s why we come to this site!

I also don’t think it was a bad response. If we are calm (and yes there is stress in life, but we have to know how to deal like adults) the children will eventually learn to deal with problems calmly. We need to learn to take care of ourselves if we want to be calm for our children. I like the sandwich idea. Maybe if everyone learned how to communicate properly we would have less road rage and conflict in this world.