I’m Bored!
You have just settled yourself in front of the computer to read an interesting article (perhaps one of mine!) and then you hear the two words which grate on your nerves: “I’m bored!”
It is understandable that you feel frustrated. Aside from being interrupted, the reason for the interruption is irritating- why can’t she find something to do with her free time on her own?
Taking a step back from the situation at hand, you may wonder, is it your job as a parent to keep your child entertained 24/7?
If so, what can you do when your son has finished playing with the hundreds of dollars of toys that clutter up the entire house? And if not, how should you respond to those desperate cries of boredom?
Boredom is a problem faced by your child. The question that must be addressed is: Who is responsible for solving a child’s problems?
Obviously if a child is too young to complete a specific task, it is your job as a parent to do it for him. For example, if your child cannot pour himself a drink, it is your responsibility to pour the water for him.
However, what about the numerous cases where your child truly is capable of solving a problem, yet she chooses not to? Is it your responsibility to step in and address the situation for her?
There are several options from which you can choose:
1) You may decide to solve the problem for your child. Generally, this is the quickest and most efficient way of addressing the problem. For example, you may help your school-age child get into pajamas in order to expedite the bedtime process even though your son has been perfectly capable of getting dressed on his own for quite some time.
This method will usually stop the child’s whining the fastest; however by doing so on a regular basis, you may hinder your child’s emotional maturity by fostering his dependency upon your help.
2) You could decide not to offer your child any help at all. “Honey, you know how to that type of worksheet, and I’m not going to get up to help you out.”
By explaining to your child that the problem is his responsibility you will foster independence, yet your child may feel emotionally deprived. Perhaps he will accuse you of not caring about him via the all-too-familiar manipulative, “You don’t love me!”
3) You can decide to help your child without taking the responsibility away from your child. Your goal is to offer enough guidance so that your child can complete the task on his own. Through your verbal or physical assistance your child will have the opportunity to solve the problem and gain valuable problem-solving skills that will serve him for years to come.
For example, suppose your daughter pleads, “I can’t get my bike out of the shed- Nate’s bike is in front of mine.” Assuming that you are aware that she is perfectly capable of maneuvering the larger bike out of the way, you may choose to respond, “It can be frustrating when a bigger bike is blocking yours. How about wheeling Nate’s bike all the way out of the shed so that there is lots of room to take out your bike?” In this manner you supply guidance and demonstrate concern without taking control of the situation.
Back to boredom!
When your son runs towards you stating, “I’m bored!” he is actually letting you know, “I have this problem called boredom and I don’t know what to do. I want you to solve this problem for me.”
What are some ways that you as the parent can offer guidance yet avoid taking responsibility for his boredom?
Son: I’m sooooo bored.
Parent: Oh, you don’t know what to do? That can feel really awful.
Son: Yes, I hate being bored!
Parent: It seems that you want me to help you out, but I’m not sure what you want me to do for you.
Son: Well, I like to play soccer, but it’s raining outside and you don’t let me play ball in the living room anymore.
Note: Be aware of manipulative behavior, where your child requests that you suspend a household rule or asks for treats that are reserved for special occasions.
Parent: That’s right, since we got the glass china closet there is no more ball playing in the living room.
Son: The living room has lots of room for soccer. The playroom is full of toys- it’s so crowded in there.
Parent: So, you’d really like to play soccer but the playroom is too messy?
Son: Yeah, if there weren’t so many toys in the playroom I could have a great game. You know what? I think I’m going to clean up all the toys really fast and then I’ll play a great game of soccer in the playroom!
Here’s an alternate manner in which your conversation may play out:
Daughter: I’m bored.
Parent: Oh, that’s terrible. You don’t know what to do.
Daughter: Yeah, I was going ride my bike but it’s raining, and then Lori was going to come over but then she had to cancel.
Parent: That’s really disappointing- when your plans don’t work out.
Daughter: Now I’m so bored!
Parent: Hmm, let’s think about what you like to do.
Daughter: I like playing with my friends but I called a bunch and nobody seems to be home today.
Parent: Oh, so your friends are not available now. What are some things that you like doing on your own?
Daughter: All the things I like doing are outdoors and it’s pouring. It’s not fair!
Parent: What did you do in camp when it was raining?
Daughter: We did arts-and-crafts activities. Hey, may I take a bunch of white papers out of the printer to make a ‘Welcome Home’ sign for Grandma?
These techniques will require practice and you may find yourself rushing into your former job of the ‘problem solver’. In the long run, however, teaching your child to take responsibility will teach him self reliance, boost his self confidence, and aid him in thinking of ways to entertain himself so that you can get back to the computer and finish reading that interesting article. (It was one of mine, wasn’t it?)
Happy reading:)
No related posts.
If I had the entire answer within, I wouldn’t have asked for input from others.
Alex is very relational and prefers the company of others than playing on his own. He often seems disinterested in using his building blocks, lego’s, art work puzzles etc. He is very physical and prefers movement than cognitive sit down activities. (biking, running, ball etc). He’s been to all kinds if groups, classes and activities since beginning at six months old.
He didn’t like to be left on his own to play, sleep for very long.
He is now in pre-school two mornings a week. He does pretend play. It’s not that he doesn’t know how to play by himself. I think he just prefers the attention/company from others. He is very interested in music and spends a lot of time drumming, singing and playing his guitar. From the time he was born, he wanted to be held and close and to this day that remains true. He wants his peers to play with him and often disrupts them if they go off with their own activity.
Any other thoughts?
OUCH Lisa, sorry to offend. None intended.
The only other thing I can suggest (since no-one else seems to be commenting) is that you try to let him play where you are, while still getting stuff done.
You might have to explain to him that while you love him and are so happy that he wants to be near you and spend time with you, you have to play by yourself for a little while. Even if it means some initial tears on his part.
Explain to him that it makes you feel really special that he wants to be with you, but that he has to let you have time to get some things done as well. Maybe you could try little bits of time and then increase it as you go.
3 1/2 is an age where you can start to really reason with kids and get them to understand your perspective. I am sure it will be hard for you and him while you work this out.
It will be an adjustment period of learning for both of you. For him it will be hard to learn he can’t have your (or someone elses) attention 24/7 and for you, it will be hard to say no, and stick with it.
Of course I don’t really know your situation b/c I don’t know you or your child. You may want to ask his teacher or your other friends who know you guys better.
Every child is different and it will probably take some time and different approaches to help your son not need you as his play date. My advice is not directed personally at your son, please don’t take offense. it is just based on my experience working with children.
Good luck
I am in need of some guidance, this is my first time here. my two children and my soon to be two step children (older) bicker all the time, they don’t get along. And I think the older ones are a negative influence on mine. they’re rude, ill mannered, lazy and have bad habits. How in the world are we going to cohabitate without them negatively influencing my children. (4,6,8,10) And they don’t feel the need to listen to me because I’m not their “real mother” who doesn’t even see them. Also how can I positively encourage them to improve without getting myself burned?
I guess I get a bit sassy when I hear those words. LOL I usually reply with, “Oh, why didn’t you tell me sooner? I have a load of laundry to be folded, a sink of dishes to be loaded into the dishwasher…etc…”
Usually my children choose to play their musical instruments, or read a book…rather than come to me to solve that problem! LOL They know I’ll put them to work if they haven’t decided how to make themselves “unbored”.
It’s a technique my mother used, and it works just as well for my kids as it did on me! It’s amazing how smart your parents become…when you become a parent. LOL
LadyPoet
Cathy, You and your soon to be husbnad need to sit all of the children down and set the ground rules for the household. They need to be told what is acceptable behavior and what the consequences are for acting out. Maybe get a poster and have them help number and list the rules. Each child gets their own column and they get a star or siley face for every rule that they follow each day, and at the end of the day, the one with the most smiley faces gets a special treat – be it extra TV or computer time, alone time with mom or dad, or extra allowance. You are in a tough position and need the FULL support of your fiance on this. If his children see that you are both a team with the same rules and consequences, they will be more apt to follow the rules. If they see that dad is a pushover, your life will always be chaotic and your children will suffer.
are you kidding me. What child would say,
“Hey I think I’ll clean my room and then play.”???
I like the idea of giving them a ball of string,
paper bags or something and let them go. then they usually will get creative, though usually quite messy with my boys.
Ooh I can’t stand to hear those words. Bored people are boring. I don’t solve this problem. I might ask the child if they would like some suggestions, or offer to read a story, but if they’re just lacking in motivation, then I assign a chore. That changes the mood real fast
Challenge your kids to come up with a dinner meal. Provide cookbooks so they can select the meal (with parameters!). Our kids (age 11 and 15) pick things they can make on their own (w/ supervision) and with the ingredients we have on hand. We’ve had a lot of strange dinners, but it was fun. Also, get a long term activity going. We have an old table they are painting (any colors they want) and then adding glued on tiles. Pretty funky. Let them paint their bedroom furniture. However, the “chore” thing always works!
I suffer from intence Mommy guilt!! I feel I am not doing the right stuff with my kids to allow them to grow and mature independently.
Does anyone have any suggestions to get past the Mommy guilt and still playing with kids so they get the best of me and I get the best of them but also allowing me to rest and regain my sanity at the end of my busy day?
Kyla
I have a 6 year old and a 2 year old, obviously on different levels emotionally and physically. My 6 year old daughter is the one I hear the boredom speach from most often. I usually list 3 things I know she likes to do: Barbies, reading, arts and crafts. If her whining persists, I list 3 chores: cleaning the bathroom, sweeping the kitchen, or organizing Daddy’s CD’s. She ALWAYS chooses an activity – usually in the privacy of her bedroom. Works every time!
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I have a different problem. Our 7 y.o. daughter and 5 y.o. son play together all the tiime. I tell people they play like twins. They are rarely bored because they are very creative and spend a lot of time with printer paper, crayons, glue, scissors,etc… However, our daughter is starting to want her “alone time” and our son is not handling this so well. He says, “Gracie doesn’t want to play with me!” with big crocodile tears in his eyes. I tell him it’s a great chance for him to do whatever he wants to do. He usually stomps off or holds up his arms to be held. This usually happens just as I’m getting supper made. Is there a really good way to handle this?
When one of my sons, who can entertain himself quite well, says, “I’m bored”, I think it means he wants to spend time with me.
When my other son, who can’t entertain himself well, says he is bored, it means he wants the TV or computer!
I have solved the “I’m bored” problem. When presented with those two words, I present my children with a chore that needs to be done; folding the clothes, cleaning up the craft corner, cleaning out under their beds. Our kids are 10 and 7, the seven year old has autism and requires some extra gudiance, but the bordoms are gone!!! {:-)
I never respond to boredom by assigning chores. Chores are not a negative thing in this house; I am teaching my children how to manage their own household, not how to detest or dread housework.
When my kids say “what can I do, I’m bored?” I say “Hmm, I wonder…” and as many here have said, simply be a sounding board for their ideas. I will not suggest something.
However – I also think there is often NO need to fill the space. Sometimes boredom is a masked fear of being “empty” – without task or activity – or a feeling that it’s “not approved” for them to simply sit around and do nothing. Many parents, upon seeing their kids do nothing, will fill that gap. We tend to fill our empty spaces with tasks, toys, activities, and noise. I let my kids experience and enjoy downtime whenever they need to.
So, sometimes they are truly bored, sometimes they want to snuggle, and sometimes they have an opportunity to listen to their inner voice, think, ponder, or just relax.