Musings on “Life Is Not Fair” & Sarah Palin
Politics aside, as I learn more about Sarah Palin, John McCain’s vice presidential running mate, some deep parenting questions surface within my heart.
Governor Palin is a mother of five children. Trig, the four-month-old baby has been diagnosed with Down’s Syndrome. At seventeen years of age, Bristol, her eldest daughter, is expecting a baby this winter.
Despite meticulous planning and enormous efforts, life does not always materialize in the way which we had imagined it would. Undoubtedly, several years ago, Sarah Palin would not have predicted that her family would find itself in its current situation.
I find myself wondering, what would I do if my teenage daughter told me that she was pregnant? How would I react if my teenage son informed me that he was going to become a father? What is the appropriate reaction to the myriad of events that may occur, those that are not in line with our plans for the future?
The bigger question that begs to be asked is: If it can be so challenging for me to deal with life’s various hurtles, it must be even harder for children to deal with disappointments. If parents sometimes get angry or resort to blaming others for the unfairness of life, how can we expect our children to accept all that comes their way with equanimity?
Let us make the assumption that children are not born instinctively understanding and accepting the fact that life is not fair.
“It’s not fair!” is the mantra of all children; and the truth is that life is absolutely unfair- some of us have more blessings than others. What can we parents do to help our children deal with inevitable disappointments that crop up from time to time?
I just got home from a wilderness program for teenage boys. Most of them were sixteen years old and addicted to illegal drugs. Every teenager faces some complications; why is it that some teens are unable to cope with their problems; why do they feel compelled to run away from the predicament and escape to a world of drug or alcohol addiction?
The answer is that that particular child did not know how to deal with disappointment. In all probability, he is not completely at fault; and the culture around him can be blamed.
The need to eliminate disappointment is a reflection of today’s social norms. Recall the commercials featuring a man suffering from severe heartburn after eating a slice of pizza. The next clip shows the same guy polishing off a double-cheeseburger, smiling calmly at the camera as he holds a bottle of white pills that eliminated the symptoms of heartburn. Have you ever wondered what kind of message that sends our children?
Simply stated, the moral of the commercial is this: You do not need to endure pain!
Similar advertisements for pain-relieving pills abound. While I would never discourage one from swallowing some Excedrin to rid yourself of a headache, the reality is that we are living in an unprecedented age of ‘I-should-not-feel-any-pain’.
In fact, some medications are detrimental to reducing a fever, because the higher temperature of the body caused by the fever is actually the vehicle that kills the infection. Popping pills to reduce a fever can sometimes cause the illness to last longer in one’s body.
And so it is with the mind and soul.
Regular pill-popping to reduce heartburn can cause you to ignore the benefits of healthy eating in favor the immediate taste and sensation of pizza and fries.
Swallowing depression-alleviating-tablets can cause you to bypass the source of the sadness, and focus only on eliminating the unpleasant symptoms.
Banishing symptoms can definitely make you feel better. Yet, overlooking the cause of the symptoms virtually guarantees that newer and more dangerous symptoms will arise.
It might be the heart attack due to the blocked arteries stuffed with hamburger remnants, which you were able to eat since your pill eliminated the heartburn. Or, it could be the breakup of a marriage due to nagging feelings of low-self-woth that had been effectively swept under the carpet by depression medication.
The fuse will blow when overloaded by multiple appliances because it is not a good idea for the electricity to overheat and cause a fire. Some people react to a blown fuse by turning off some of their gadgets. Others prefer to ignore the hot fuse, slight aroma of smoke, and singed wires, and keep restarting the fuse until it will no longer operate.
Symptoms are warning bells being sounded. The ringing of the bells are not the problems; the cause of their chiming is the true issue.
Drug and alcohol usage and overly disrespectful behavior are a piercing cry for help. The cause of the cry, not its decibel level, must be addressed. Just as you would not tinker with the fire-house’s bell to battle a raging fire, do not make the mistake of exclusively addressing the child’s behavior when dealing with a teenager in distress.
The child who is addicted to harmful substances, or acting out in inappropriate manners, has not learned to deal with disappointment. Life’s sorrows have overwhelmed her ability to handle distress; therefore she turned to the bottle.
Disappointments come in all shapes and sizes. They begin at birth, when an infant leaves the comfort of the womb with a heart-wrenching cry. Leading an optimistic, cheerful family is no contradiction to teaching your child to expect and realize that life is far from perfect. Allow him to mourn the stolen bicycle or broken toy without rushing out to immediately purchase a replacement to assuage his tears.
When a young child is given the time to mourn, and the gentle touch of comfort to help her through the loss of her favorite doll carriage, she learns a valuable life lesson; how to deal with sadness. She will develop the category in her brain that will serve as a reference to mourn, express sadness, accept the disappointment, and then move onward. She will access this essential skill when she is teased about her braces, dumped by her boyfriend, dismissed from the softball team, and rejected by the college of her choice.
The ability to mourn, accept heartache, and resolutely move ahead is what sets apart the teenagers who thrive from the ones who are slaves to addictions. The children who were taught to deal with the unfortunate events that are part of the package we call ‘life’ will definitely encounter bumps as they grow up. However, they have the strength of character and emotional wherewithal to dust themselves off, and get back on their feet. The other children, who were spoiled by always having Mom or Dad wipe their tears away, handed sweets or expensive toys to wash away the memory of a disappointing event, will be headed for trouble in their teen years. When the cookie or new plaything is no longer able to wash away their sadness, they will be on the lookout for something bigger to allay their distress. And it will be all too easy for them to find it.
So, when your three-year-old cries over the broken red crayon, hold him and say, “I know, sweetie, you really liked that crayon, and now it’s broken. Sometimes disappointing things just happen.” Resist the urge to say, “Oh, Sweetie, don’t worry, Mommy is going to buy you a new crayon right away!” Perhaps you will buy him another crayon; whether you do so or not is totally irrelevant. The important, essential point is that he learned that sad things happen, and they need to be accepted.
It’s a fact: In the course of a happy childhood, the ability to deal with sadness when the child is young, will prevent the scathing pain of addiction when the child has grown older.
When we raise our children we are not looking for the quick-fix pill, rather, for the healing touch that endures forever.
EDIT: As I read some of the comments, I realize that my thought process regarding the linkage of Sarah Palin and dealing with the unfairness of life was not entirely clear.
So, here goes: As I watched the media focus on all of Governor Palin’s personal issues, I wondered where, exactly, one can find a family of seven without any problems??? Then I continued to wonder- does the media think that Sarah Palin made a decisive, conscious choice to have her seventeen-year-old daughter become pregnant? We all know that as much as we’d like to, we cannot control everything that teenagers do these days. Imagine if Governor Palin’s response to Trig’s birth and Bristol’s pregnancy was- ‘Oh, no, my career is over, my life is going to be so difficult from now one, I am a victim of circumstances, this is all so unfair!’ Sarah’s response to the media, (which I can’t locate right now) about giving her daughter love and support throughout the difficulties involved in having a child were my inspiration to write this article. It is refreshing to see someone who can deal with things not going precisely as planned, and still stay strong. I hope that helps:)
My mother and father couldn’t handle anything that made them feel like “other than perfect parents”. I got the old, ” you made your bed, now lie in it” routine. After 17 years of drug abuse and 3 bad marriages, I finally accepted that I was loveable, even though I was far from perfect. That was 20 years ago now. Thank God for women like Sarah Palin,who don’t measure success by “is everything going my way”? Success is loving our families through all the tough stuff and letting our children learn to succeed and fail as we love them through it all.
Life is complicated. Even though my kids are just 8 and 11 I have already learned that despite me doing X, Y, and Z that is supposed to be ‘right’ my kids sometimes make their own choices and mess up. My kids have made mistakes, gotten physical injuries due to their chosen stupid actions and had their feelings hurt by other kids due to other choices they made.
With one boy starting puberty I see the difference already with testosterone surges and the power shift happening as he begins to be more of a young man instead of a little boy who listened to what Mama said and complied. I can only imagine, and shudder to imagine, what the teen years will be like. I certainly, despite my best intentions and hard work, can imagine that by age 17 my kids may choose actions that are not right, they most likely WILL take risks of various kinds. They most likely will do things I told them not to do.
Let’s also think back to our own teen years and what we were doing and how it may not have been exactly what our parents tried to teach us about right, wrong, healthy, unhealthy, risky, what was legal, not legal, etc. Is there a person alive who didn’t do something against the rules or something risky in their teen years? I doubt it.
That includes also, people on birth control pills who accidentially forget to take one, people using condoms and it breaks, or those who are improperly using a condom and it leaks or whatever. I know plenty of happy moms whose pregnancies (while married too) were “a surprise” and unplanned as they thought their birth control would work.
Other notion–
Not too long ago people complained that most politicans running for office or in office are old white men. And the Republicans had been slammed by some as being all old white men from the old boys club. Now we have younger men running for office (Obama included) and also a woman. Yet their younger ages mean they are still parents and their lives are more complicated due to that fact. It seems to me that some people in society are talking out of both sides of their mouths and it frustrates me. You want younger politicians, they may have children still under their care. You want women in politics, they will be juggling career with family.
Why is it in our society in the private sector no one complains when a family must up and move due to the husband/father getting a better job at a new company or promoted within his company? Yet if a woman does it why is that is a problem? Does it make a difference if the woman works in the private sector or is an elected official? If so, why? Where is the consistency and the logic?
Books—
I wanted to share that the topic of the danger of trying to shield children from hurt in any way was covered in an excellent book called “The Over-Scheduled Child”. It was first published under a differnt title “Hyper Parenting” the authors are Nicole Wise and Alvin Rosenfeld MD.
Also another book that discusses parenting and these topics of of the danger of shielding children from all harm and not letting them learn to handle adversity is “Ships Without a Shore” by Anne Pierce. It is a very serious book that I wish everyone would read. I wrote a long book review of it on my blog.
http://thethinkingmother.blogspot.com/2008/05/ships-without-shore-book-review-by.html?showComment=1210564860000
I think this conversation is funny. People interpret things by one or two words and everything else in between becomes the product of assumption.
I think when people post too, that it becomes a division.
why would people assume that life is about a division?
is life either/or? or is it AND. You probably have at least two ageneds happening constantly. (hence why we smoke with earning labels or heat our food in plastic, use cell phones, etc)
Even in our own life situations, we life amongst many colors of the rainbow, not even just black, white, gray, there is blue, green, yellow, vibrant red.
What I see in a lot of these posts (and in mine as well) is that we pigeon hole things to make it easier for us to understand.
I can take a post that someone wrote and think, well this is saying this about MY post (and it may or may not be but i took it personally) and want to answer it, but the truth is, maybe someone hasnt even read my post. or maybe they are and they feel the need to pigeon-hols their post based on an assumption of what I am writing.
just becuase we may not agree with the choices, or agree with the choices, doesnt mean that there will be BOTH successes and fallout for Sarah Palin. She gets to choose her life lessons, just as we do.
and we are all having this discussion on a site appropriately names…
Raising Small Souls.
We ARE raising small souls here. that is why this hits hard for me. These children, like mine, are sould being formed by life. and someones choices.
Everything we do affects the life choices of our children simply on the basis that we are the teachers. We probably give our children the hardest lessons, just as we as adults say… I want to be like my mother this way and I absolultely dont want to be like my mother in this way…
its all life lessons. and Sarah Palin and her children will have their life lessons because of her choices. bottom life. no judgment.
none of escapes that we are here living in Earth school.
People who are addicted to alcohol and/or drugs are not that way because of being unable to deal with disappointment. Alcoholism is a disease in the same way cancer is a disease. An alcoholic’s body reacts differently to alcohol than the average person, and it is nothing that the alcoholic can control.
I disagree strongly with Emily V. Yes, alcoholism and drug addiction are diseases, but they are diseases that many of us may be prone to–HOWEVER, how we deal with things like disapointment and pain can be the deciding factor between becoming alcoholics or drug addicts.
The alcoholic, in order to stay sober, MUST learn to deal with lifes issues in order to facilitate their sobriety. Same with all addictions, be it food or drugs or sex or gambling or shopping—this is why it is critical that we arm our kids with knowlege and truth and reality.
I remember being - oh - 22, and breaking up with a boyfriend I was DEEPLY in love with. I remember walking to my parents bar and picking up a bottle, (I was NOT a drinker at ALL) and knowing, somewhere deep inside of me, that if I once took a drink for my “pain” I might never crawl out of that bottle. I put it back and called a girlfriend.
Pain, disapointment, frustration, anger, lonliness-are all a part of life. We thought we were teaching both our kids these things….In order for our children to be healthy, they must know how to deal with reality. This conversation engendered a HARD look at our parenting and we are reaping the the fruit of “keepng our daugther happy” - which we did not even realize, at the time, we were doing. Did not really realize until this thread. Hence, her much harder time dealing with the issues than her brother, whom we did a MUCH better job with. Guilty as charged, and TAKING charge now. She is not a happy camper these days and I find myself slipping back into placating BUT I have been catching myself every time. Luckily, she is 16, and can understand what we are doing. We stood firm day before yesterday on something she didn’t get to do and was disapointed about. 2 hours later, after a fuss and hissy fit, she came to me and thanked me for standing strong and not giving in.
The reason we have such an unintelligent person in the White House right now is b/c of the gullible, fearful position people that have been taking/posting on this blog. Looks like they have you fooled again.
Really Ellen? I never would have thought.
Stunned in Connecticut.
Susie - loved your thoughts. I agree completely. Especially loved the story about your daughter coming to you later…..
I think that Sarah will most likely take her children with her when she travels. Homeschool can be taught anywhere and at any time. I like the fact that she shares her REAL family with us.
It is time we women open the debate about Sarah Palin. She is a role model to many women who are inspired to accommplish much in both the work place and in the home. I am shocked at her treatment in the media! Many “experienced” congresspeople have spent more time in government and achieved less in their tenure than Sarah did during her time as a mayor and governor. When actors and media heads put her down as just a PTA mom, or hockey mom, they insult all of us women who have given our talents to improve our childrens’ schools, our communities and our states. Maybe they would prefer women to stay at home, focus only on their family and stay out of more important mens’ work. If we don’t support her integrity, even if we’re voting for the other party, it diminishes the respect for the work we do everyday either as a volunteer or heaven forbid, an elected official.
Here! Here! Lairue. You rock, girl!
I completely agree with you about the “no-pain” mentality of our society. When we are sick or hurting, those are cues to our body to change something. We have amazing healing abilities, we’re just not happy with how long they take. One of my favorite things about being pregnant was that if I got a cold or something, no one could expect me to just take a bunch of medicine and trudge through it. I had an excuse to stay in bed for a couple of days and let my body take care of itself. And I always felt way better afterwards than if I had gone to work struggling and munching on Dayquil for a week.
I’m so glad to hear someone else address the issue of overmedication. I think it sets a terrible example for our children.
I really enjoyed this article, even though I take medication for mental health issues AND GERD. But the writer’s point is very true…avoiding pain, even for our children, only serves to weaken our and their defenses necessary for survival, whatever that may mean to each individual person.
I do no support Sarah Palin for VP, but as for her actions as a mother, I have no right to criticize her choices, nor the actions of her children. And compared with the degrading family structure in our country, the fact that she has 4 typically developing children that can help care for and provide an abundance of love to Trig, and a husband, her family is in pretty good shape. I’m also sure she’s not hurting for want of money, so assistance in any family issues is probably no issue at all. She most likely, too, has family and friends who provide support in their unique ways, so I can’t agree that serving in the role of VP would have some negative impact on her family, even if I don’t support her political views.
The only part of the article I question is the statement “It’s a fact: In the course of a happy childhood, the ability to deal with sadness when the child is young, will prevent the scathing pain of addiction when the child has grown older.” The prevention of addiction is never guaranteed and so many variables can drive a person to become addicted to any kind of substance or behavior. Otherwise, I think this is a good and relevant article.