Comments on: “I’m Losing It!”

By: Jane Iacobelli

Jane Iacobelli — Mon, 18 May 2009 00:54:50 +0000

I remember so many years ago when my children were young and driving me crazy I ran out the front door and ran around the block. Today it would not be a good idea to do that but it really saved me.

By: Jill

Jill — Mon, 11 May 2009 13:22:36 +0000

What an interesting idea! I am going to try this. It is nice to see so many people talking honestly about this topic. When it happens, it is so easy to feel like you are the worst mom in the world and no one else ever lose it. Thank you to all of you great mothers!

By: Breda

Breda — Sun, 10 May 2009 10:45:55 +0000

Some thoughts to contribute a partial response to my own earlier request for practical ideas:

a) brain gym – free, easy, can be done anywhere to lift mood and access the switch to ‘high road’ processing mentioned in the article. Includes things like crossing legs at ankle, looking up,putting tongue to the roof of mouth (I do not know why, just try!), folding cross-clasped hands under chin (look up ‘brain gym’ it’s a bit complicated to explain but very easy to do), touching right knee with left leg and vice versa and likewise touching opposite feet behind you, and just very lightly and gently touching (no stroking or pressing) your forehead with forefinger and thumb tips at two sensitive points abut midway above eyes and a couple of inches apart (you just have to feel for them you will know them when you find them) which, apparently, helps draw blood flow to front (higher) brain away from back (lower) brain.

b) cultivating an ‘attitude of gratitude’ – I find my mood changes for the better almost instantly when I focus on what’s good or what I like or what I enjoy. This works for almost anything, people place, situation and is especially effective for difficult times with children. The FCT http://www.familycaring.co.uk parenting programmes encourage us to look for the good in our children. What we focus on grows. So, noticing good behaviour encourages more of it, while (judiciously of course) ignoring what we do not like minimises it. Why? because children like and need our attention and know how to get it! Also one thing I heard years and years ago when my children were small was that it is really important for children that their parents (or someone significant to them) has faith in them throughout their difficult times (like toddler tantrums and teen traumas) so that when they emerge from them you are still in a good relationship.

I look forward to reading your suggestions for anything that you have tried that works for you!

By: Breda

Breda — Fri, 08 May 2009 20:17:38 +0000

This is really interesting. I am glad to have all that neuroscience made so accessible. It helps to know that our bodies are like complicated and sensitive chemical factories that react to triggers. It helps to remember too that our own hormones change over time which can affect our reactions, perceptions and relationships: mums might have monthly swings and then chaotic and unpredictable floods of hormones in menopause.
Our children are affected by hormones too – ours when we are suffering and unwittingly transfer the stress or rage onto them (like the the mom/kid/cat scenario which reminded me of an illustration I saw once in ‘How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk’ by Elaine Mazlish et al); their own when they are subjected to stress or fear from any source (long term stress can have long term effects on how children’s brains develop because of cortisol – see Sue Gerhardt’s ‘Why Love Matters: How affection shapes a baby’s brain) and their own when they too are going through transitions like the teen years (beware the household with both a menopausal mom and teenagers!) By the way, parents of teens might want to know that the frontal lobes of the brain responsible for ‘responsibility” are the last to finish developing (and that may not happen till around their mid 20s!)

What I would like:
a) practical techniques for learning how to become more aware of my own state (very often when asked how I am reply fine because I have no idea, not because I am being polite) in order that I have some chance of being more effective at steering away from reacting in ways that I will regret and
b) tips for chilling out that can be built into a busy life for mums who may not be able to get away for country walks or exercise or pamper days at the spa or lunch with friends (the more obvious endorphin enhancers). It is really really important to bring ourselves and our own needs back into the frame. We cannot help anyone else if our own needs are not met -I know the theory it’s practical guidance I need! So, I’d really like to hear more encouraging talk to mums and dads, not only about how well they (we) are doing (most are amazing most of the time!) but also a reminder to stop and look after ourselves (especially important for parents not close to their own family or other intimate and supportive network!). Be gentle with yourself (it may help you to be gentle to your child) .

By: amy lacombe

amy lacombe — Fri, 08 May 2009 08:22:00 +0000

All these comments, and the article itself are so comforting and reassuring. It is good to know I am not the only one facing this. Strength in numbers, and isn’t it great to have a support system! I love “Scream-Free Parenting” too…and for parents of teens: Get Out of My Life! But will you take me & Cheryl to the Mall first bu Scott Wolf PhD. Can’t begin to recommend it highly enough! Thanks for all your insightful wisdom.
Amy

By: ChristineO

ChristineO — Fri, 08 May 2009 03:04:38 +0000

Something that helps me is to “begin with the end in mind.” How do I want to feel when each situation I encounter with my children is over? This is often enough motivation to take a break when I feel anger brewing. Sometimes I feel like everything I say to my children falls on deaf ears but I am positive that they are watching my behavior. It warms my heart when I steal glimpses of the way my daughter talks to her brother when she doesn’t know that I’m watching. It encourages me to continue to be sweet with them and to hold my tongue. When I do fall short, it affects the entire house. My daughter starts being unkind to her brother and he literally attempts to take it out on the cat (who is much to smart to stick around.) I know that how I parent will be the greatest factor determining how my children themselves will behave as parents. I do not want my kids “losing it” on their own children because they learned it from me. This is the ultimate motivator.

By: Annita Woz

Annita Woz — Thu, 07 May 2009 19:56:06 +0000

Anger is fear turned outward says a friend of mine. She probably learned it in some self-help book, the kind that everyone my age is reading now!

What humbles me is the realization that even though I can identify the trigger, i still sometimes yell and throw a fit of my own. I face the fact that it is not acceptable and try not to succumb to the argument/defense that everyone has this happen..I dont’ want to parent to the lowest common denominator. I want to rise above that.

I practice calming down and when I want to yell and I try to whisper instead. i.e. when you have laryngytis and cannot talk, suddenly the whole house is silent. And when everyone in the room is whispering, the room takes on a stillness and peace that keeps everyone whispering. Its a funny phenomenon and has been used in the wild to provide safety (the opposite of fear, right? ) since when animals are silent the predator cannot find them…

Granted, my first attempt to calm may be a seething whisper, but it takes all the loudness out of the room and gives me a teeny window of opportunity to hear the beating of my own heart and to see the smallness of the infraction, the frailty of the little growing personality standing before me. Whisper. Whisper.

By: Denise

Denise — Thu, 07 May 2009 19:41:28 +0000

My 12 year old son drives me crazy in the morning while getting ready for school. He is so slow and this is just not “perfect” enough for me. I know that my son has taught me that I’m not perfect and the funny thing is that he does eventually get ready on time, whether I nag, yell and scream or not! Thanks for the advice….I just need to stop trying to be so perfect and enjoy his company more in the morning!

By: Amy

Amy — Thu, 07 May 2009 19:21:45 +0000

Wow! Now at least I feel like I’m not the only mom on the planet who’s “losing it” and screaming like a banshee! I hate myself afterwards and always end up apologizing and trying to figure out exactly what set me off…it’s usually something very innocent that can be chalked up to “they’re just kids”! As a mom of 8-with 5 under 7 y.o. life is hectic enough wothout having to try to claw my way back up to the high road!! Thanks for the insight-I like the “self talk” at the end…I’ll definitely give it a try!! Maybe I can keep myself off the low road, altogether!!

By: Sue

Sue — Thu, 07 May 2009 19:16:56 +0000

Hal Runkel’s book “Scream-Free parenting” is fabulous and offers lots of practical advice. Unfortunately when we parents “lose-it” we are not showing the level of maturity that we expect our children to learn. We are no better than a 2-year-old taking a tantrum, just for different reasons but it’s the same inability to handle our emotional reaction to a situation. I highly recommend the above book, it has helped me tremedously!

By: Abby

Abby — Thu, 07 May 2009 18:37:09 +0000

What a great gift- the gift of perspective.

I know that I “lose it” more often than I’d care to admit, particularly when my 6-year-old reverts to baby talk to get my attention. That makes me crazy, because it’s an ‘in-my-face’ demonstration that I’m a far-from-perfect mom.

Parenting is a journey of self-development.

Thank you for the ideas and inspiration.

Abby, mom of 2 small souls