Low-Frustration-Tolerance & Stress-Relief
by Ellen C. Braun
Filed under Get to know Ellen
If you’re anything at all like me, you often read about parenting techniques… you even take the time and energy to think about exactly how you’d like to implement them with your family… and then- boom!- something sets you off and you forget all about the wisdom you have recently read.
In the heat of the moment, it is quite challenging to recall wise ideas when your child is in the process of destroying the house you’ve just cleaned, literally or figuratively!
Even if you are an exceptionally calm person right now, learning to lower your frustration tolerance will yield positive and lasting results for your family.
When you increase your ability to handle the ‘little stuff’ that life inevitably throws onto your lap, you will simultaneously be better equipped to handle the ‘big stuff’ – those giant curveballs of life that nobody can avoid!
A thought that helps me get through the challenging days is, “Raising children is not meant to be two decades of peaceful serenity… what’s going on is totally normal!”
What thoughts do you conjure up to bring you calmness during the heat of the moment? Please share them below!
I was recently speaking with my friend Sarah Zeldman, and kind soul that she is- Sarah is allowing you to download her ‘Stress-Relief-Kit-for-Moms’ at no charge! www.solutionsforbusymoms.com/free-stress-relief-kit/ . It’s an awesome way to recharge yourself, put things in perspective, and better nurture yourself so that you can be a more effective nurturer of your children!
Speaking of which, how many of us parents are truly taking the time and energy to nurture our own souls?
Is it possible for happy, confident, and emotionally healthy children to be raised by harried and tense parents?
What do you do to fill your personal ‘emotional bank account’ so that you are not running on empty when it’s time for you to focus on making deposits into your child’s ‘emotional bank account’?
Are you neglecting your personal spiritual, creative, emotional, or social needs because you are so busy with your family? Do yourself a favor and schedule some time here and there for you to recharge! After all, you’re wonderful, however you aren’t Energizer Bunny!
Although not quite the same as chatting with old friends, joining an Internet group of like-minded parents can be a wonderful and relaxing diversion. My friend Alice Seba runs a complementary and very friendly message board specifically for moms here: www.momstalkforum.com.
Depending upon how you were raised, the concept of a parent taking time for him/ herself to relax, unwind, and recharge without the children may seem a bit selfish. Rest assured that the better you take care of yourself, the more effectively a caregiver you will be for your children.
Sometimes, life has a way of keeping us so busy, and everyone else’s needs come first. Schedule time in your calendar to go to a bookstore, get a massage, meet a friend for lunch- whatever speaks to you- and watch a new sense of tranquility manifest itself in your home!
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My wife and I both have activities to help manage stress. My wife goes out power walking early each morning with a friend, I take martial arts and play guitar. We make sure we can get out alone for a “date” at least every other week. That’s in order to alleviate stress, more importantly we try to avoid self inflicted stress. When all else fails I pretend they’re my grandchildren.
I once read a wonderful bumper sticker that has really impacted our way of thinking;
“You are not managing an inconvenience, you are raising a child.”
The first step was realizing I was heating up because of the games my children play – most often with homework. As soon as I recognize that I’m getting angry or frustrated I tell my son I’m done and I get up away from the table and walk away. As far as stress goes, I need my stress – it is what gives me the energy to keep going, so I’m one of those that don’t feel the need to relinquish stress – I need it!
When I am totally frustrated, I often imagine how one of my professors of Education would handle the situation. Somehow, this gives me the few seconds to see the situation from the outside, instead of taking it personally.
Imaginary Audiences
I learned in Psychology class that teenagers often have “imaginary audiences.” That is they imagine they are being watched by others even when they’re alone and it influences the way they act. In the middle of one my son’s tantrums I imagined his doctor, who’s not just a great doctor but also a great mom and someone I admired, could hear what was going on. What would she think of my parenting skills? It really helped me handle the situation.
I try to remember that, whatever the situation is, it is only TEMPORARY. That helps.
These are all great suggestions! What I would like to add is that it is important to know yourself and HOW you LEARN a new skill….are you Kinestetic,(like me, I need to excercise to keep my stress level in control), Auditory, or Visual? knowing how you learn will help you manage stress and set up a system that will help you LEARN and IMPLIMENT that new parenting technique!!! And speacking of new parenting technique this website has lots of new techniques to try. http://www.redirectingchildrensbehavior.com
Thanks for such stimulating conversations Ellen!!
I love hearing everyone share their ideas. It is always good for me to hear others struggling with the same problems I do. Even though my oldest child is 19 (and I know how fast they grow up), I still struggle with managing stress with my younger children. One thing I have learned to do is H.A.L.T. Every time I start feeling stressed, I try to remember to stop and think Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired and usually I can isolate whatever problem “I” am having and focus on taking care of it. Usually I can rest awhile, let go of (forgive) someone, go to lunch with or call a friend, or eat something and feel much better. Prayer helps me too!
What great thoughts! We also use the VCR “rewind” button. If my children and I have gotten so stressed out that we have said or done hurtful actions, we stop, ask that we rewind the tape, step out of the room, and re-enter as if we are starting a new tape. Since we use it infrequently, it really works when we need it.
Sometimes, when the work gets a bit repetitive, or I am just plain tired, I try to see the children throught the eyes of doting grandparents. The kids are much cuter that way.
We go to our Father in prayer. Alone. Together as a couple. And together with the children. Every day.
We acknowledge that we are not God. God is. We talk about why we are here and how we are making our choices. We ask to receive love and we give love. We ask for forgiveness and we give forgiveness. And we give thanks.
The peace we receive goes beyond any stress relief technique. We are expecting our eighth child in February and although the chaos and stress can mount, when we take it to God in prayer, we see the reality — life is such a joyous gift.
Not too spectacular, but it really does work.
On really hard days, I look at the front door and remember they’ll be walking out of it one day, not sleeping at our home that night and never coming back. (Hopefully. Well, at least they’ll never be children again.) This helps me tremendously if I see my big tall child, now a man, and I’ll never get to go back to “here” again with this little one. “Here” seems SO much more precious to me.
We use the term “turn it around” to get us back in check. Frequently, we’ll literally spin our bodies around as those we are unwinding. By doing so, it not only makes us laugh, but it makes us stop and re-evaluate. You can’t help but have a different perspective after being a bit light-headed!
Oh dear, so often I need to use a “technique” to calm down, love to get new ones, but here are a few things that help me….”do over” (which is aimilar to the video rewind idea), I remove MYSELF from the situation, and say I am getting a glass of water…which totally baffles the child and makes them stop whatever they were doing that was about to make me a wild woman. Sometimes being EXTRA calm, I mean like Mr Rogers calm, really helps because its almost a comedy being super calm. I was one of those parents who had “little adults”..but now I just use ways to calm me down and then I can deal with the situation at hand..
Something I picked up last week is the “2 Percent Solution”. There’s a book that goes by the same name, but basically the way it works is you give yourself 2 percent of all time available in a 24 hour day and devote it exclusively for something you feel you want to, need to, should do, or must do. 2% of your time works out to 1/2 hour a day and you can bank it for the weekend if you want to to gain a 3 and a 1/2 hour block of time to do something more substantial. I find the 1/2 hour a day a time to re-energize by re-discovering the piano and practising yoga three times a week.
I think about how quiet our house will be when our kids are grown and gone and how we will miss them greatly! These times will pass quickly, so enjoy the life in your home!
The most important realization I have had about stress is that laughter always makes you see another perspective – and even though in the heat of the moment when feelings are intense, it is the last thing you want to do – it is the best way not to damage the precious loving bonds between parent and child.
When things start to get overwhelming at our house I repeat a little mantra in my head – “I’m doing the best that I can.” This helps me calm down. I liked the HALT technique too. If you can figure out why your child is upset, you can usually help solve the “crisis.” Many times I realize my daughter (2 1/2) isn’t acting the way I think she should because I have created a situation that makes it hard for her to behave.
Sometimes just simply accepting kids take time, patience, energy, love, tenderness, hugging, softness..etc…makes us realize and know that is who we are what we’re called to do right now. To accept this positon daily helps us to realize the blessedness of what we are creating.
I pat myself on the back for recognizing that I am angry and need to do something different. I quickly imagine the way I hope to be someday (ie calm, loving, firm). I unswervingly spend 20 minutes a day meditating (not religious – the kind that lowers your blood pressure and reduces stress). When I meditate I pick positive and powerful things to think about and when I get distracted I make a mental note of it and repeat my powerful positive image. When I get angry and I want to be different, I drop into that postive powerful place, my body becomes calm and I can make better decisions.
So many good ideas. I used to pretend the inlaws are watching or there’s a camera recording everything
However, I really liked the HALT saying – as I am noticing that most times I get frustrated and angry. The kids are being kids. So if I can learn what bugs me, I can either accept it or change it. The kids pick up this. In the mean time, we all spin around the room until we are dizzy and giggling – great for bonding & changes everyones mood almost instantly. I wonder if I could do this at work? (haha)
I think the challenge lies in trying to get things done. We need to stop looking at things from an adult perspective and think from a child perspective . They are just having fun. So if you cleaned the house you have to accept the fact it will get messy in matter of minutes. Situations like this, one needs to detach themselves from their emotions and look at the situation as an observer. You will see it makes all the difference. I think this would also apply as kids get older. Our frustrations are there because we want our life to be as adult life but we forget with kids its different. Things are replacable but the impact we have on our children is irrevokable. Anger, use of wrong words, etc..creates judgements on the growing child and thus creating a new cycle of same behavior…
There certainly are positives and negatives to stress. In considering the negative side, I have found that power struggles and (what I consider) to be thoughtless accidents or choices, defiance and oppositional behavior to be key components in elevating my stress. I have learned to step back, remember that ALL behaviour has meaning (like a language) and focus on understanding that behavior rather then judge it, react to it or take it personaly. Giving time outs and taking time outs has certainly been a stress saver for me. Its amazing how one thinks and feels after 30 minutes of cool down and reflection. (smile).
This email couldn’t have come at a more perfect time. I had a pretty rough day with my two boys and I need some ideas to help me keep calm when my 3.5 year old is frustrating me.
I love the spinning around, getting a drink of water, and just remembering that they are just kids!
Now if I could have someone whisper those ideas in my head when I’m aboutto lose it that would be great.
These ideas are great. Reading this just made me realize how much I love to make my daughter laugh. When she frustrates me to the point where I can’t think straight I begin to talk to her in a high pitched voice (much better than yelling, like i feel like doing.) that makes her either laugh or give me such a crazy look that I start to laugh.
In the heat of the moment, I listen but I love to really look at my daughter and gaze into her sea blue eyes and smile at her Judy Garland lips and just fall in love with her even when she is “venting”! It is those moments I come to cherish and smile at all her life and vitality!
Yes but what about low frustration tolerance in children? How can we help them not get all worked up when they’re “in the moment” ?
I use the say, “God, grant me the patience to deal with my blessings”. I will say it over and over to calm down and remind myself how much my little one was wanted and how much she is loved. It usually helps a lot!
Hi I am from Mumbai, India….a teacher in a high school, teaching Math….hv 2 wonderful daughters and an awesome husband….I am so thankful to your “Raising Small Souls”….its enhancing my personal and professional life in such a huge way…thanks once again…Just 2 share something that I have been practising with the adolescents….HALT my reaction( we normally react, not interact!!!) first and then use/implement the accronym HALT: Hug, Appreciate, Listen, Time-giving…..it works wonders with my own family as well as my teenage students….the bonding creates an amazingly affectionate and lifelong relationship!!!