Motivating the Unmotivated Child
Getting into the back-to-school routine can be hard for everyone in the house. In the morning, parents are faced with groggy kids who won’t get out of bed and get ready for school no matter how much you nag, bribe and scold. Homework time can be even worse, with nightly fights and accusations echoing off the walls of your home. So how can you get your child to be more motivated? The important thing to remember is this: your child is motivated—they’re just motivated to resist you. Keep reading to find out how you can turn this negative motivation into a positive one.
Q: When a child becomes unmotivated and won’t get out of bed, do homework or participate in activities, what is he trying to tell the parent through this behavior?
“You have to have the courage
to let him experience the
natural consequences
of his behavior.”
===========================
James:
When we’re talking about kids not getting out of bed, not doing their homework or school assignments or not wanting to get involved in family activities, it’s important for parents to realize that there is motivation in the child. But the motivation is to resist. The motivation is to do things their way, not yours, and to retain power.
When people feel powerless, they try to feel powerful by withholding. A child or teenager who feels very powerless will stay in bed, not go to school, avoid homework, sit on the couch and withhold overall involvement because it gives them a sense of being in control. To the parent, the behavior looks completely out of control. But the child sees it as the only way to have power over what’s going on around him.
“You have to have the courage to let him experience the natural consequences of his behavior.”
The child who uses resistance to control lacks both social skills and problem solving skills. It’s important to define the difference between the two. Social skills are how to talk to other people, how to be friendly, how to feel comfortable inside your own skin and how to deal with people’s kindness. Problem solving skills are the skills that help kids figure out what people want from them, how to give it, how to deal with other people’s behavior, expectations and demands. Problem solving skills are needed to help a child handle being criticized in class. Many times the real reason kids don’t want to do their homework is because they’re simply lazy about the work or they don’t want to be criticized in class and held accountable for their work.
I want to be clear about this point: everyone is motivated. The question is, motivated to do what? If a child looks like he’s not motivated, you have to look at what he’s accomplishing and assume that this is what he’s motivated to do. So part of the solution is getting him to be motivated to do something else. To assume that the child is unmotivated is an ineffective way of looking at it. He is motivated. He’s simply motivated to do nothing. In this case, doing nothing means resisting and holding back to exercise control over you.
You’ll see it when you ask your child a question and he doesn’t answer, but you know he heard you. What’s that all about? That’s a child withholding an answer to feel powerful. When he says, “I don’t have to answer you if I don’t want to,” you see it as a lack of motivation. He sees it as a way to win control over you.
Q: As parents, we tend to respond to this unmotivated behavior by coaxing, arguing and screaming at the child. Or you just give up and do the child’s tasks for him because you don’t see another way. It doesn’t work, but it’s all you can do, it seems.
James:
Very often these kids are motivated by a power struggle. They find different ways to have that struggle with their parents. The job of the parents in this case is to find other ways for the child to solve the problem that’s inherent in the power struggle. But if parents don’t have those other ways, then they just get locked into the power struggle.
If you’re fighting day after day with a kid who won’t get out of bed, you’re never going to solve that problem. Because even if he gets out of bed, then he won’t brush his teeth. And even if he brushes his teeth he won’t comb his hair. Or he won’t wear clean clothes or he won’t do his homework. If continually resisting is how a child tries to solve the problem of authority, then parents will have a hard time until they teach the child how to solve that problem appropriately.
The first step in teaching kids the problem solving skills they need is to understand how they think and realize that these kids are not helpless victims. They’re simply trying to solve problems, but the way they’re solving them is ineffective, inefficient and distorted. You have to deal with this distorted attempt for control in a systemic way. To give a simplistic solution like taking away his phone or taking away his TV does not deal with the problem. It won’t work. You have to look at the whole comprehensive picture.
Q: So how can parents deal with this behavior more effectively, without screaming, arguing or “overdoing” for the child?
James:
I think parents should avoid giving the behavior power. When you yell at your child for lack of motivation, you’re giving the resisting behavior power. I understand that parents get frustrated and yell. The point I want to make here is that it won’t solve the problem. If you’re yelling or arguing with this child over these issues, you’re giving him more power in the struggle, and you don’t want to do that. Leave the choices really clear for the child. Use “I” words. “I want you to get up out of bed and get ready for school.” “I want you to do your homework now.” Then leave the bedroom. If the kid doesn’t do it, then there should be consequences. There should be accountability. If the kid says, “I don’t care about the consequences,” ignore it. Telling you he doesn’t care gives him a sense of being in control and a sense of power.
I would give consequences, and I don’t care if the kid doesn’t like it. If you don’t get out of bed, you shouldn’t be doing anything else. You shouldn’t get to play video games. You shouldn’t spend four hours in front of the TV. If you’re too sick to go to school, you shouldn’t be going out of the house. Those limits should be set and followed through.
I would always tell parents in my office that you have to have the courage to let him experience the natural consequences of his behavior. It takes a lot of courage to step back and say, “Okay, you’re not going to do your homework, and you’re going to get the grades that reflect that.” But in these cases, it can help to let the child experience the natural consequences of resistance. You don’t let the kid watch TV. You say, “Homework time is from six to eight. And if you don’t want do your homework in that time, that’s fine. But you can’t go on the computer, you can’t play games and you can’t watch TV. If you choose in that time period not to do your homework, that’ll be your choice. And if you fail, that’ll be your choice.”
Along with the plan to let him experience the natural consequences of his decision, build in rewards for success, if he does make the right decision. If my son failed a test, there was no punishment. But if he passed, there was a reward. It was very simple. We rewarded A’s and B’s. We didn’t take anything away for C; we just didn’t reward it. So my son strived to have A’s all the time. So with kids who resist, it’s important to have a rewards system as well as a consequence system.
Remember, natural consequences are an important part of life. That’s why we have speeding tickets. A speeding ticket is a natural consequence. If you go too fast, the policeman stops you and gives you a ticket. He doesn’t follow you home to make sure you don’t speed anymore. He lets you go. It’s your job to stop and take responsibility. If you don’t, you’re going to get another ticket fifteen minutes later. Natural consequences help people take responsibility, and they can be used to help kids take responsibility for things like going to school, participating in class and doing homework.
So when you’re interacting with a kid who appears unmotivated, remember that screaming, bargaining and doing things for him will not work. When you’re looking at this child, you have to remember, he is motivated. He’s just motivated to do something different than what you want him to do. He’s motivated to resist you. So the more power you put into it, the stronger his resistance gets. We don’t argue with kids because when we argue with them, we give them power. Focus on making that behavior powerless and give the consequences that you can give so that there’s accountability.
I created The Total Transformation Program to help parents manage and change this behavior. It offers parents a comprehensive solution for changing resistance and teaching the child responsibility accountability.
James Lehman is a behavioral therapist and the creator of The Total Transformation Program for parents. He has worked with troubled children and teens for three decades. James holds a Masters Degree in Social Work from Boston University. For more information, visit www.thetotaltransformation.com.
Thank you for this article. We have 4 lovely children, however our 11-year-old has been acting sassy and cooperative. I need to print today’s article and re-read it and internalize these techniques, because I’ve definitely been handling it unproductively. Thank you for this timely email.
great article. i just had a situation like this yesterday. my daughter did not want to clean her room. *it was the worst day of her whole life* – she’s seven. i told her she had to stay in her room until it was clean. she could sit there and stew or she could be productive. either way she was to stay there until it was done. she stewed for a while. then realized i wasn’t kidding. FINALLY she got to work.
This system of parenting really does work. I can give testimony that not letting kids suffer the consequences that naturally occur from bad decisions will produce an adult who thinks that he can do anything he wants, no matter who is hurts-even himself. When our oldest son was a pre-teen, now 24, I tried to get my husband to agree with me that pain is the best teacher. (Pain of failure)He did not agree, has always thought that lecturing was the answer, would refuse to give logical consequenses until it was the last resort (first, to me). Like, only taking the cell phone away after he had gone over the minutes by 1000 for the 10th time-that kind of thing. Let me just say we have been paying for it ever since.
Boy, I needed this article today! I have an 11 yr. old son who my husband and I are in constant power struggles with (this article desribed him exactly). He is very bright, but definitely lacks the social and problem solving skills you discussed. Thank you for giving me some very simple, but hopefully effective ways I can deal with his behavior in the future!
Cass, I feel your pain! Our 24 yr. old is giving us a run for the money also. We gave her consequences, but those outside our home, in authority, police, teachers, etc. did not. What a world? Huh? It’s not too late, but boy is it painful, especially when little ones are involved. Blessings to you all day long, Michael
I will be with a large number of teachers doing 5 two-day workshops across the U.S. Your words will be discussed and I will inspire these teachers to visit your webpage, especially after watching the CD of Animal School. We work with students that struggle terribly and motivation is always a HUGE issue. I share that often it seems that lack of motivation is the greatest learning disability there is. I am blessed to know that I have often shared your same approach with success. Thank you for an excellent article.
Ok – did you take a look into our home and write this article, Ellen!!! Man do we need this article.
My 9yr old son has been forgetting his agenda or homework at school more often than not since the start of school, and no matter how much coaxing, disciplining or discussing we’ve done, he doesn’t seem to want to change. He’s really bright and does well, which is why I don’t understand why he is choosing to ignore our promptings and counsel.
Here’s to a transformed son…
Wow!!!!!!!! Just what I needed right now. I have 6 children and this article is the kind of help that I need to raise my children. I have a 12 year old DD who is smart but very unmotivated when it comes to schoolwork and chores. Thank you!!!!!!!
Hi Michael, your 24 year old lives with you? What kind of consequences would work for someone that age? My 17 year old talks to me like no one would believe and I am totally lost….how could the Total Transformation programme change that. I guess I will have to buy the package.
Sounds like our house, too. Our 11 year old son uses these exact methods to get control. We can see it coming a mile away. Most of the time have natural consequences in our home, too. However, what do you do when the child refuses to adhere to natural consequences in the home?
For a simple example, if refusing to clean up her bedroom has to sit in there and “stew” or “be productive”… what if that child refuses to stay in the bedroom at all? Our son uses more passive aggressive methods at control. In this case he might “drift” out of his room, go to the bathroom several times, say he has a headache, needs to get his homework finished, etc… The possible list goes on. He uses some INGENIOUS compensatory strategies. We ingore when possible… but this could last for hours until bedtime… then the next morning… then there’s school… and after school back up to the room to “get back on the task” with the same “natural consequences”. He is relentless.
Any suggestions… remember this is just an example situation. It can be applied to just about anything. Phew!!!
I have a 15 year old son that has ADHD, Bi-Polar and ODD. I read Parenting With Love and Logic over the summer and it sounds like this article, very helpfulindeed. Kids feel very entitled in this generation! We parents MUST give consequences and stick to it. I plan to copy this article and use it as my mantra day in and day out! I am also a teacher and will use it in my classroom as well too often we spoonfeed the children! Lisa
Here, here, Leigh. I have a son like the one you described. He is very smart and absolutely charming – 99% of the time. But when sent to his room, whether it’s because he’s being punished or just to complete a task, he will find a million “reasons” to leave. It makes me crazy. I would love to hear Dr. Lehman tell me how to handle this.
This is a great article. BUT… some of the children who aren’t doing things and for whom the natural consequences don’t seem to matter may not be motivated to resist parents at all, but may indeed be clinically depressed. If children lose interest in things that used to matter to them and stop doing things that used to be important to them, it might not just be resistance. Please know your own child and read the signs to make sure you are not, in fact, dealing with depression.
Leigh – I was also going to suggest the Love and Logic program as well. What they would do with your son is … the next time he wants something … you look at him and very calmly say… I’m sorry – remember when I asked you to… When you do your part, we’ll do our part. but it’s all in your control. and then just leave it alone and get some support. At some point he will want you to take him somewhere or give him some money or want to go to a friend’s house and you just say… I’m sorry.. remember when… and just repeat the mantra… and get support from a friend…
I so needed this article. I just got in a battle of the wills with my 9.75 year old daughter – I lost my cool and really yelled at her. I apologized that afternoon, but held my ground about the consequence of not being ready on time in the morning. So she does not get to go to a very special birthday party this friday night. I even had the mother ask me to reconsider and all my friends said – no way – do not reconsider. you will be teaching her you can be manipulated and the next time it will be even harder.
I so needed to read this!!!!!
We have 3 kids 7,10,12 yr old. They are great kids and we know that our kids learn best from natural consequences…but putting it into practice takes courage and may not always work. Last fall our then 11 yr old started middle school. We took a natural consequence approach to his homework letting him take charge of this responsibility. Supporting and helping when he asked but not interfering. He floundered, then defeated and became depressed — allowing his failure to reinforce his self concept of stupidity. It was a bad place to be. Now, he has been diagnosed with dyslexia and is getting help but he still can’t and won’t do his homework!
Leigh,
First talk to him, really talk and really listen. Don’t just hear the words. Have a conference with his teachers, counselor, and principal to see if there isn’t some other underlying issue going on. If not…
maybe it’s time to up the ante on the consequences. We’ll use the room cleaning as an example: excort him to the bathroom and set a time limit on his ‘visit’ there. You may actually have to go in there to make sure he’s not just wasting time. Add no phone, computer TV, etc.(take them out of the room if necessary) He will live as a monk in that room until he gets the message. You may even have to let the little darling go to bed without dinner a time or two (trust me-he won’t perish!) Worse case scenario-play really old songs and stay in there singing along (you’d be amazed!) If this truly is a power struggle you HAVE to be stronger. Sometimes this may take drastic measures (not beatings or anything like that, of course). He doesn’t have to have name brand clothes, a computer, tv, phone, game system, etc. You have to provide a roof, place to sleep, food, and clothing……there are no specifics. I was raised on hand-me-downs and Salvation Army Thrift Store finds and I grew up just fine. (we were really poor)I know I sound mean and harsh, but tough love is sometimes like that. You have to consider the end result. Keep that in mind at all times. Don’t forget to stay in communication with his teachers! This is a MUST! They can be of tremendous help. Most of all, you and your spouse HAVE to be united in this. It will not work otherwise. If there are siblings, they have to go along with you as well. No sneaking food, visiting with him, etc. Watch “The Miracle Worker”. Good luck.
Hi Leigh,
Perhaps this book might be helpful to you: Playful Parenting A Bold New Way to Nurture Close Connections, Solve Behavior Problems, and Encourage Children’s Confidence by Lawrence J. Cohen, Ph.D. My son is much younger than yours, so there’s a lot I haven’t put to the test yet, but it makes a lot of sense to me and what I have tried has worked well. I hope it helps you!
Thank you blushinMom for voicing your concerns! While I agree that natural consequences are a fantastic way to motivate and/or correct a child, I believe it is dangerous thinking to assume that children are refuse to do things in order to be powerful. If a child refuses to get out of bed in the morning, they me be engaged in a powere struggle, they may be depressed, they may also simply be tired. A natural consequence that may actually solve the problem is an earlier bed time. The may not want to leave the activity they are engaged in to do things on our timetable because they are very bright and get intensely absorbed in what they are doing….which is a classic issue with gifted children. They may drag their feet because they are disappointed about a broken promise and you need to stop and take a look at your relationship with them. We need to take time to know our kids and be responsible for our part, not just focus on how we can get them to do what we want. The we are in a much better position to enforce appropriate consequences.
Hi Anita, NO our 24 year old does not live with us. At least not on a regular basis. We cannot have the chaos in our house. And we’ve told her that. If you’re unpleasant, people don’t want to be with you. To me that’s a natural consequence.She also doesn’t have a job. Consequence? You have no gas, no house, no insurance. It’s been very rough. I think she’s beginning to get it. As far as disrespect, I used to tell my kids when they were younger, you can tell me just about whatever you want, but you have to do it with respect. Maybe try that. Blessings to you and yours, Michael PS You pray alot, too!
I highly recommend Dr. Ray Guarendi’s parenting books. His philosophy is all about natural consequences; he’s rearing 10 adopted children as a child psychologist and instructs with common-sense, and has a great sense of humor, too. He has a website with a handful of articles, as well.
The timing for this article is impeccable. I was just arguing with my son today about getting ready for school before he watched a cartoon.
I tried to be calm, I gave him a timeout, and then we had a yelling match. I didn’t think we’d ever leave the house on time.
He finally got ready and then was upset that he was only able to watch 10 minutes of his cartoon. I suggested that tomorrow he get ready on time so, he can watch his entire show.
Phew! I’m glad to know there is an easier way.
Thank you.
OMG!! You wrote about our girls! EVERY SINGLE MORNING: “get dressed, brush your hair, brush your teeth, OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN!!! Then they fight! UGH! I’m going to try this technique as soon as they get home today! Let’s hope it works.
The other thing that really worked was creating a picture chart of what they had to do every morning and putting it upstairs on the bathroom door and downstairs by the front door. Go Potty, Get Dressed, Eat Breakfast, Brush Teeth, Pack Snack, Pack BackPack, Coat/Shoes = extra playtime after school. and I just tell them – what’s next on your list…. what’s next on your list… and eventually they just look at the pictures. or I ask… did you do everything on the list.
I am a 4th grade teacher of some VERY low, struggling, poor students who have no support at home. The consequence of their actions is that they fail. Receiving this consequence is not helpful. What other options could I have?
This is a real dilemma,cause the facts are STUPID,ILLITERATE PARENTS or the lack thereof ofpeople who need to care about these precious lives before they turn to gangs and drugs later in life. I used to see it EVERY day.My sweet children always told me “MOM DON’T CARE” or “GRANPOP CAN’T READ” I always wanted to stay after school and help them,but they all rode buses and there was no one to pick them up later.We,as a community,need to form a group and urge the parents to LET US help these kids and I would gladly teach the adults how to read.I am not interested in a monetary reward,I just want to help the kids!
Christine ~ Do you already have a reward system? If not, would that be helpful?
I am also dealing with someone who had very few consequences…………it is one of the hardest things I will probably ever deal with. I blame myself everyday,and I also do lots of praying ,hoping for change.If only I had it to do again!!!!
Hi June, I can so relate what you are going through and feeling as far as not setting consequences go. And wishing you could do it all over again. In my case, the consequences are undermined by the father and it becomes so destructive for the child at 16, who has no idea what limits are, and how far he can push the fences.
How young are yor children? There is hope and we should focus on what we can do and not what we should have done.
warmest Amita
Dear James,
I have this problem with my 13year old who is not motivated to study more than she should when she knows she needs to put in that extra effort to pull up her grades. Her excuse is the teachers are lousy. Lately she has taken to watching “Gossip Girls” and that upsets me because of the values. I often use the exam issue as it happens to be around the corner to stop her from watching it but this has led to shouting matches. What should I do?
Thank you so much and God bless you and your loved ones.
Dear James and anyone who could give me some tips,
We have three boys (11, 9, 9). The oldest is an angel, does his homework first and really tries not to be to violent to his brothers…
One of the twins, the “sandwich”, is showing all the above mentioned signs of wanting to be the one with the power. He is very bright and does his homework very well when we insist on it.
I have a lot of powerstruggles with him, when I want him to listen to me, to do something or stop to do something – he just won’t do it!
Also, when he is being punished, he seams not to care. Sometimes I sit with him and have to “squeeze” a response out of him, and lately I even might get a “sorry” and “won’t do it again”, but sometimes even after 5 minutes it’s as if we didn’t talk, back to square one.
This is really frustrating.
I don’t quite know what to do let him feel “in power”, but with things I want…!!!
Any ideas?
Lynn #18 Here Here Lynn! I completely agree. We are only adding to the power struggle, if that is what is happening. It is imperative to understand the issues to respond to them appropriately.
Celine … I managed to do away with arguements over TV by simply cancelling our cable subscription. We live in an area where without cable we can’t receive any TV signal. I told my kids that I refuse to have garbage sent into my home and pay for the priviledge.
This was probably simpler in my home than many as I have a husband who doesn’t watch sports and who hates commercial interruptions. He prefers to watch shows on DVD.
We have a Netflix account and I have to approve all choices. My kids are right now watching Joan of Arcadia and Little House on the Prairie. They get to see a lot of cable shows when they are at friends’ homes or their grandparents so they aren’t completely out of the loop as far as popular culture. But I make sure they know my feelings as far as the garbage being aired.
In the evenings we have reading time where I read a book to the kids. It is a very enjoyable time for us all, much more interactive than staring at a TV screen. However my 11 year old is starting to resist it. I let her make her own choices in that area, and I think she is starting to feel left out.
It is a simple answer, and demands that the parents sacrifice as well. But I don’t find it to be a sacrifice as I have so much to do anyway I don’t need to be wasting time in front of the TV.
hi-just what i needed. Iam struggling with my 7yr old daughter. she is just not responsive to doing her homework. i mean she ll forget it in school or she ll get it wont remember till last min. i have tried consequences with her like no tv viewing till she finishes and all but what do i do when she’ll come to e and ask me very sweetly if she could watch a particular prog. and she is very sorry for it…shhld i give in as she is really sorry or shld i just hold my horses?
I am in the same boat with an unmotivated very stubborn fourth grade boy. I feel like I have to be mean and a drill sergent for him to listen. One thing that comes to mind after reading all of the responses is that my child has too many other options at home. We have a lot of things to do that are more fun than his homework, reading, and studying math flash cards. He acts the best when I send him to his room for the day, and he gets bored as all get out. I know I can’t do this all of the time. I think kids are spoiled, but it is hard to get out of the trap after you have begun it.
Hello I have a very strong willed child. He is seven years old. I feel like I am losing the battle. We even have to tell him when to use the bathroom. I need to constantly remind him to pick up after himself and working on having better behavior. he can be a sweet boy but on the other side of the spectrum he has a real issue with anger and disrespect towards me. His father is loving but a very strict displinarian. I tend to be more lax because I feel my husband’s anger is at times unwarranted. He goes a little too far… but because I feel bad for our kids I know I am more relaxed. The problem is they are disrespectful to me and other adults but not their father because of the way he disciplines them. We are definitely not on the same page. we are both Christians. My husband was raised very strictly and did exactly what his dad told him to do/ or consequences. Now my husband is imposing the same kind of obedience on them. He has an explosive temper and I am now seeing that in my son.. Son number two is also modeling that kind of behavior-complete lack of respect for me unless I show them my temper (using a spoon, grabbing them by the shirt,etc. I suffer from anxiety and am beginning to feel like things will never change. What would you suggest?