Comments on: Motivating the Unmotivated Child

By: Meili

Meili — Thu, 10 Feb 2011 19:09:25 +0000

Christine, I couldn’t agree more!
I am curious what I can do as a parent regarding homework. Allowing my 7 year old daughter to experience the natural consequences (failing) is not an option for three reasons. she doesn’t seem to care what grade she gets, she will fall farther and farther behind which sets her up to fail for the rest of her school experience, and she is struggling with reading and spelling as it is.

there has to be a different solution than just allowing them to fail. But she makes homework a fight every night and it takes hours with a lot of fighting and crying.

By: amy alvidrez

amy alvidrez — Thu, 19 Aug 2010 05:19:40 +0000

Depression is part of my son’s problem, but he uses escapism not to feel it directly. The thing is, my son refuses to take an anti-depressant. He is 16. However, he also does have Sensory Integration Disorder, and OT seems to be working like a charm. With kids who have so many problems, there seem to be endless pieces of a puzzle to put together. I hope that my son’s puzzle will one day be complete and God bless all of you other struggling parents!

By: amy alvidrez

amy alvidrez — Thu, 19 Aug 2010 05:08:37 +0000

I’ve had the exact nightmarish experience with my son’s schools! I’ve always been an extremely loving and flexible parent, but also tried to apply consequences and discipline. The schools would never give consequences, and I BEGGED and BEGGED them. For example, work detail at school would have been a hands-on learning experience for my son, but schools would never do it-they just wouldn’t find anyone to supervise. I was a teacher for 8 years and I spent countless hours supervising disciplinary hours-no one paid me for it! Our society is disgustingly short on holding people accountable now days-generations are being destroyed! All the best. Amy A.

By: Andria

Andria — Thu, 11 Feb 2010 04:47:18 +0000

Hello I have a very strong willed child. He is seven years old. I feel like I am losing the battle. We even have to tell him when to use the bathroom. I need to constantly remind him to pick up after himself and working on having better behavior. he can be a sweet boy but on the other side of the spectrum he has a real issue with anger and disrespect towards me. His father is loving but a very strict displinarian. I tend to be more lax because I feel my husband’s anger is at times unwarranted. He goes a little too far… but because I feel bad for our kids I know I am more relaxed. The problem is they are disrespectful to me and other adults but not their father because of the way he disciplines them. We are definitely not on the same page. we are both Christians. My husband was raised very strictly and did exactly what his dad told him to do/ or consequences. Now my husband is imposing the same kind of obedience on them. He has an explosive temper and I am now seeing that in my son.. Son number two is also modeling that kind of behavior-complete lack of respect for me unless I show them my temper (using a spoon, grabbing them by the shirt,etc. I suffer from anxiety and am beginning to feel like things will never change. What would you suggest?

By: Kelly

Kelly — Tue, 12 May 2009 00:45:26 +0000

I am in the same boat with an unmotivated very stubborn fourth grade boy. I feel like I have to be mean and a drill sergent for him to listen. One thing that comes to mind after reading all of the responses is that my child has too many other options at home. We have a lot of things to do that are more fun than his homework, reading, and studying math flash cards. He acts the best when I send him to his room for the day, and he gets bored as all get out. I know I can’t do this all of the time. I think kids are spoiled, but it is hard to get out of the trap after you have begun it.

By: Jackie Carroll

Jackie Carroll — Sat, 07 Feb 2009 21:31:36 +0000

This is a real dilemma,cause the facts are STUPID,ILLITERATE PARENTS or the lack thereof ofpeople who need to care about these precious lives before they turn to gangs and drugs later in life. I used to see it EVERY day.My sweet children always told me “MOM DON’T CARE” or “GRANPOP CAN’T READ” I always wanted to stay after school and help them,but they all rode buses and there was no one to pick them up later.We,as a community,need to form a group and urge the parents to LET US help these kids and I would gladly teach the adults how to read.I am not interested in a monetary reward,I just want to help the kids!

By: nalini

nalini — Fri, 03 Oct 2008 06:47:02 +0000

hi-just what i needed. Iam struggling with my 7yr old daughter. she is just not responsive to doing her homework. i mean she ll forget it in school or she ll get it wont remember till last min. i have tried consequences with her like no tv viewing till she finishes and all but what do i do when she’ll come to e and ask me very sweetly if she could watch a particular prog. and she is very sorry for it…shhld i give in as she is really sorry or shld i just hold my horses?

By: Joy

Joy — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 17:55:58 +0000

Celine … I managed to do away with arguements over TV by simply cancelling our cable subscription. We live in an area where without cable we can’t receive any TV signal. I told my kids that I refuse to have garbage sent into my home and pay for the priviledge.

This was probably simpler in my home than many as I have a husband who doesn’t watch sports and who hates commercial interruptions. He prefers to watch shows on DVD.

We have a Netflix account and I have to approve all choices. My kids are right now watching Joan of Arcadia and Little House on the Prairie. They get to see a lot of cable shows when they are at friends’ homes or their grandparents so they aren’t completely out of the loop as far as popular culture. But I make sure they know my feelings as far as the garbage being aired.

In the evenings we have reading time where I read a book to the kids. It is a very enjoyable time for us all, much more interactive than staring at a TV screen. However my 11 year old is starting to resist it. I let her make her own choices in that area, and I think she is starting to feel left out.

It is a simple answer, and demands that the parents sacrifice as well. But I don’t find it to be a sacrifice as I have so much to do anyway I don’t need to be wasting time in front of the TV.

By: Carolyn

Carolyn — Sun, 28 Sep 2008 19:37:00 +0000

Lynn #18 Here Here Lynn! I completely agree. We are only adding to the power struggle, if that is what is happening. It is imperative to understand the issues to respond to them appropriately.

By: Chana

Chana — Sun, 28 Sep 2008 11:23:20 +0000

Dear James and anyone who could give me some tips,
We have three boys (11, 9, 9). The oldest is an angel, does his homework first and really tries not to be to violent to his brothers…
One of the twins, the “sandwich”, is showing all the above mentioned signs of wanting to be the one with the power. He is very bright and does his homework very well when we insist on it.
I have a lot of powerstruggles with him, when I want him to listen to me, to do something or stop to do something – he just won’t do it!
Also, when he is being punished, he seams not to care. Sometimes I sit with him and have to “squeeze” a response out of him, and lately I even might get a “sorry” and “won’t do it again”, but sometimes even after 5 minutes it’s as if we didn’t talk, back to square one.
This is really frustrating.
I don’t quite know what to do let him feel “in power”, but with things I want…!!!
Any ideas?

By: Celine

Celine — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 09:37:59 +0000

Dear James,

I have this problem with my 13year old who is not motivated to study more than she should when she knows she needs to put in that extra effort to pull up her grades. Her excuse is the teachers are lousy. Lately she has taken to watching “Gossip Girls” and that upsets me because of the values. I often use the exam issue as it happens to be around the corner to stop her from watching it but this has led to shouting matches. What should I do?

Thank you so much and God bless you and your loved ones.

By: Amita

Amita — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 05:44:36 +0000

Hi June, I can so relate what you are going through and feeling as far as not setting consequences go. And wishing you could do it all over again. In my case, the consequences are undermined by the father and it becomes so destructive for the child at 16, who has no idea what limits are, and how far he can push the fences.
How young are yor children? There is hope and we should focus on what we can do and not what we should have done.

warmest Amita

By: June

June — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 05:17:03 +0000

I am also dealing with someone who had very few consequences…………it is one of the hardest things I will probably ever deal with. I blame myself everyday,and I also do lots of praying ,hoping for change.If only I had it to do again!!!!

By: Veronica

Veronica — Thu, 25 Sep 2008 21:12:47 +0000

Christine ~ Do you already have a reward system? If not, would that be helpful?

By: Christine Todd

Christine Todd — Thu, 25 Sep 2008 21:05:52 +0000

I am a 4th grade teacher of some VERY low, struggling, poor students who have no support at home. The consequence of their actions is that they fail. Receiving this consequence is not helpful. What other options could I have?

By: Jackie

Jackie — Thu, 25 Sep 2008 20:56:42 +0000

The other thing that really worked was creating a picture chart of what they had to do every morning and putting it upstairs on the bathroom door and downstairs by the front door. Go Potty, Get Dressed, Eat Breakfast, Brush Teeth, Pack Snack, Pack BackPack, Coat/Shoes = extra playtime after school. and I just tell them – what’s next on your list…. what’s next on your list… and eventually they just look at the pictures. or I ask… did you do everything on the list.

By: Monique Donaldson

Monique Donaldson — Thu, 25 Sep 2008 20:48:56 +0000

OMG!! You wrote about our girls! EVERY SINGLE MORNING: “get dressed, brush your hair, brush your teeth, OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN!!! Then they fight! UGH! I’m going to try this technique as soon as they get home today! Let’s hope it works.

By: Veronica

Veronica — Thu, 25 Sep 2008 20:38:49 +0000

The timing for this article is impeccable. I was just arguing with my son today about getting ready for school before he watched a cartoon.

I tried to be calm, I gave him a timeout, and then we had a yelling match. I didn’t think we’d ever leave the house on time.

He finally got ready and then was upset that he was only able to watch 10 minutes of his cartoon. I suggested that tomorrow he get ready on time so, he can watch his entire show.

Phew! I’m glad to know there is an easier way.

Thank you.

By: Lisa

Lisa — Thu, 25 Sep 2008 19:33:17 +0000

I highly recommend Dr. Ray Guarendi’s parenting books. His philosophy is all about natural consequences; he’s rearing 10 adopted children as a child psychologist and instructs with common-sense, and has a great sense of humor, too. He has a website with a handful of articles, as well.

By: Michael

Michael — Thu, 25 Sep 2008 18:51:09 +0000

Hi Anita, NO our 24 year old does not live with us. At least not on a regular basis. We cannot have the chaos in our house. And we’ve told her that. If you’re unpleasant, people don’t want to be with you. To me that’s a natural consequence.She also doesn’t have a job. Consequence? You have no gas, no house, no insurance. It’s been very rough. I think she’s beginning to get it. As far as disrespect, I used to tell my kids when they were younger, you can tell me just about whatever you want, but you have to do it with respect. Maybe try that. Blessings to you and yours, Michael PS You pray alot, too!

By: Lynn

Lynn — Thu, 25 Sep 2008 16:45:14 +0000

Thank you blushinMom for voicing your concerns! While I agree that natural consequences are a fantastic way to motivate and/or correct a child, I believe it is dangerous thinking to assume that children are refuse to do things in order to be powerful. If a child refuses to get out of bed in the morning, they me be engaged in a powere struggle, they may be depressed, they may also simply be tired. A natural consequence that may actually solve the problem is an earlier bed time. The may not want to leave the activity they are engaged in to do things on our timetable because they are very bright and get intensely absorbed in what they are doing….which is a classic issue with gifted children. They may drag their feet because they are disappointed about a broken promise and you need to stop and take a look at your relationship with them. We need to take time to know our kids and be responsible for our part, not just focus on how we can get them to do what we want. The we are in a much better position to enforce appropriate consequences.

By: Sheryl

Sheryl — Thu, 25 Sep 2008 15:57:08 +0000

Hi Leigh,
Perhaps this book might be helpful to you: Playful Parenting A Bold New Way to Nurture Close Connections, Solve Behavior Problems, and Encourage Children’s Confidence by Lawrence J. Cohen, Ph.D. My son is much younger than yours, so there’s a lot I haven’t put to the test yet, but it makes a lot of sense to me and what I have tried has worked well. I hope it helps you!

By: Laquita

Laquita — Thu, 25 Sep 2008 15:55:13 +0000

Leigh,
First talk to him, really talk and really listen. Don’t just hear the words. Have a conference with his teachers, counselor, and principal to see if there isn’t some other underlying issue going on. If not…
maybe it’s time to up the ante on the consequences. We’ll use the room cleaning as an example: excort him to the bathroom and set a time limit on his ‘visit’ there. You may actually have to go in there to make sure he’s not just wasting time. Add no phone, computer TV, etc.(take them out of the room if necessary) He will live as a monk in that room until he gets the message. You may even have to let the little darling go to bed without dinner a time or two (trust me-he won’t perish!) Worse case scenario-play really old songs and stay in there singing along (you’d be amazed!) If this truly is a power struggle you HAVE to be stronger. Sometimes this may take drastic measures (not beatings or anything like that, of course). He doesn’t have to have name brand clothes, a computer, tv, phone, game system, etc. You have to provide a roof, place to sleep, food, and clothing……there are no specifics. I was raised on hand-me-downs and Salvation Army Thrift Store finds and I grew up just fine. (we were really poor)I know I sound mean and harsh, but tough love is sometimes like that. You have to consider the end result. Keep that in mind at all times. Don’t forget to stay in communication with his teachers! This is a MUST! They can be of tremendous help. Most of all, you and your spouse HAVE to be united in this. It will not work otherwise. If there are siblings, they have to go along with you as well. No sneaking food, visiting with him, etc. Watch “The Miracle Worker”. Good luck.

By: Martha

Martha — Thu, 25 Sep 2008 15:41:11 +0000

We have 3 kids 7,10,12 yr old. They are great kids and we know that our kids learn best from natural consequences…but putting it into practice takes courage and may not always work. Last fall our then 11 yr old started middle school. We took a natural consequence approach to his homework letting him take charge of this responsibility. Supporting and helping when he asked but not interfering. He floundered, then defeated and became depressed — allowing his failure to reinforce his self concept of stupidity. It was a bad place to be. Now, he has been diagnosed with dyslexia and is getting help but he still can’t and won’t do his homework!

By: Jackie

Jackie — Thu, 25 Sep 2008 15:37:16 +0000

Leigh – I was also going to suggest the Love and Logic program as well. What they would do with your son is … the next time he wants something … you look at him and very calmly say… I’m sorry – remember when I asked you to… When you do your part, we’ll do our part. but it’s all in your control. and then just leave it alone and get some support. At some point he will want you to take him somewhere or give him some money or want to go to a friend’s house and you just say… I’m sorry.. remember when… and just repeat the mantra… and get support from a friend…

I so needed this article. I just got in a battle of the wills with my 9.75 year old daughter – I lost my cool and really yelled at her. I apologized that afternoon, but held my ground about the consequence of not being ready on time in the morning. So she does not get to go to a very special birthday party this friday night. I even had the mother ask me to reconsider and all my friends said – no way – do not reconsider. you will be teaching her you can be manipulated and the next time it will be even harder.

I so needed to read this!!!!!