My Buddy and Me
Perhaps it all began in the latter half of the 20th century when a new trend in parenting spread amongst those who were fairly new in their “careers” as parents. Establishing one’s role as a parental figure in the early stages of a child’s development is no easy task and the additional weight of societal and social influences does not simplify it for anyone.
Most of the time we blame the media for manipulating our choices, while other times we hold our family and friends responsible. And then there are times when it is the popularity of a certain toy or doll that may affect our judgment calls as parents. Remember the once popular, adorable and charming doll, My Buddy? Little boys everywhere were begging for “a buddy” and the term “my buddy” seemed to have left an indelible impression on a large majority of the American parent body.
Many of us outgrew our use for what had become old-fashioned terms of endearment between parents and children. Expressions like, “dear boy”, “sweet child” or “little one” appeared to have lost their effectiveness in communicating the message of love between parent and child. Maybe the younger generation of parents were too cool or too hip to use such stuffy language or maybe the phrase “My Buddy and Me”, intended to convey a kinship between a child and his doll, hit a mark that would change the face of parenthood forever.
In reality, are our offspring really our friends? Did we live our own lives, go through our own school years and form our own social circles to become in our thirties and forties, or even our fifties, buddies with our five and six year olds? Let’s delve into this question a little further by asking ourselves two more questions. Firstly, what are the results (or repercussions) of forging a friendship with our child as opposed to creating a positive parent -child relationship? Secondly, what does the title of parent compel us to be, a friend or a role model?
When our children are young and we very much matter in their lives, we seem to crave and desire this idea that one day they’ll be our best friends. Whether this is a new societal trend or a fulfillment of some insecurity within us, or both, we begin to form friendships rather than relationships by using phrases like “hey, buddy” or “great job, Pal”. In essence, what we really are doing is relaying a message to our son (or daughter) that he is included in our social circle. We may scoff at this notion now but as our children grow up and they hear about our “poker pals” and our “drinking buddies” can they differentiate themselves from Dads (or Moms) real friends if they too are Dad’s buddies?
What happens to the boundaries that are supposed to exist between parents and their children? We expect our children to be disciplined and learn to respect and honor us, yet we dub them buddies and pals. We know all too well as adults, that candor and casualness between friends is normal if not sought after. We don’t want our friendships to be stiff and formal so we use adult jokes, language and innuendos to make it fun. When we call our kids buddies, we are in effect inviting them into a world that lacks restrictions and formality. We cannot possibly expect them to talk and act respectfully toward us unless we have clearly established that there are boundaries between us and them. Creating positive, loving and long- lasting relationships with our children begins with how we talk to them and how we teach them to talk to us. How they perceive us is how they will react to us.
So are we as parents meant to capture our children’s hearts by being their buddies, pals, friends etc. or do we have a higher, more powerful calling?
We tend to spend a lot of our time trying to please our children. “Hey, Buddy, did you have a good time?” “Are you having fun, Pal?” By constantly asking such questions, we are not only undermining our authority over our kids but we are actually begging them to like us. As much as we hope that our kids love us in return for the unconditional love we shower upon them, our children do not have to like us. Our real friends and buddies have to like us but our children do not.
We were not given our role as parents to be our children’s friends. We as their parents have the responsibility of helping them grow up to be well-functioning and productive people in society. We are supposed to be role models who teach them how to communicate with others and how to build healthy relationships with those around them. To do so requires love, discipline, fortitude and authority.
Our children may “hate” us in the process but if our true goal is to raise healthy minded individuals who are capable of loving and giving back, then they will not only love and respect us but one day they will thank us for being their parent and not their “buddy”.
I think the article makes many excellent points. However, I have used the term buddy and pal as an adjective. These words to me are less formal and more inviting. I have always viewd the word son as distant and cold. There are articles written about how the word son has taken on a negative connotation in many instances. The word son to me is like talking at a child rather than to them. And in this day and age our children need to be talked to rather than at. My son knows I am his dad, he know limits and boundries and like every child he tests those limits. It is our response and consistancy as parents that provide the frame work for raising kids who are as well equiped as possible for the world. I would agree that parents who do not make hard or unpopular decisions for fear of displeasing their children are making a big mistake. Children make mistakes, they test the waters and even the most strict parent child relationship, as defined by the article, will have difficult moments. I view how my children see me treat my parents as an example of how one day they will treat me. I also think that if we teach our kids the meaning of the word “no” than the adjective we use to address them is of little consequence. It is not the word, buddy, pal, son, kid etc, but rather how we mean that word.
Thank you for the article as it does stimulate thought.
There were many good points to your article, and I myself grew up with a mom that tried to be my “friend” and not my Mother, and the repercussions of that. It had nothing to do, however, with the close conversations we shared, with the terms of endearment she may have used for me, or with the material items that she would get me. I would hope that, just like in my true friendships, the love, the respect and the boundaries are all unconditional. In addition, if my true friends are doing something that is hurtful to me, themselves, or someone else, you can be sure that they will hear about it, just as I would expect to hear from them if there is something that I have done, so I can make amends.
Here is where one of the major differences lies, I believe. You can give a friend feedback and an honest, objective appraisal of the situation or problem, but you can not impose external consequences on them. They are adults, and while natural consequences may occur as a result of their behavior, it would be completely inappropriate for you to impose it on them. Your children, however, since they are not miniature adults cognitively mentally or emotionally, need to have imposed consequences and boundaries set for them. If they don’t have external controls set for them, they will never learn how to integrate limits and boundaries into their own personalities, which is how a child learns to develop internal controls. As a child grows and changes, so should those boundaries, as they need to be given chances to practice, to fail and to succeed using their internal controls, as long as it is not anything that may compromise their safety. That is a parent’s responsibility, both morally and legally.
It seems to me that one of the biggest factors that prevents the appropriate ebb and flow of the line between being a parent and being a friend is the parents own sense of security and need for acceptance. Creating and maintaining a positive and appropriate parenting role requires constant self-evaluation. If you can ask yourself the question “Why am I doing/not doing this?” and honestly answer that it is in the child’s best long term interest without letting your own ego get involved, then you are probably doing OK.
Thanks for bringing up this topic- it is such an important one.
I feel compelled to add more. I truly believe that “a friendship” CAN exist between a parent and a child, especially in terms of trust and comraderie! However, it always needs to be somewhat of a one-way street. We want our children to confide in us and trust us and involve us in virtually every aspect of their lives, but a parent should not necessarily reciprocate in detail. Children do not need to know the intimate details of their parents’ lives. They do, however, need love and compassion and great consideration as our children, yes, and as separate human beings, individuals capable of greatness! So, I hope people are not too attached to an outdated definition of “parent” that inlcuded only control, work, rules, and punishment. There is sooooo much more to being a mom or a dad now — in fact, there always has been.
Well, what wonderfully stimuating comments! I am so glad I came back to read them. After I read this post last week, I found myself really bothered by it. You see, I too am someone who comes here and usually agrees with most everything Ellen has to write.
However, after reading this post, I was left with a really bad feeling. We call our son “buddy” all of the time. It is a term of endearment, not one used between peers. Our son has a very clear understanding of the parent/child role in our home. We have strong, clearly defined boundaries and expectations with him. I hardly see where using a pet name like buddy or pal is going to blur those lines.
I also had major issues with the statement that our children need not like us, in fact may hate us. I understand the point that there are moments in time, when we enforce rules that are displeasing to our kids, where they may “hate us” for a time. However, let me be very clear to those of you who think that it is OK to allow your child (of any age) to hate you while you reer them. You are scarring them indefinitely. If your child hates you for a prolonged period of time, you are doing something wrong! No child should have overwhelming feelings of distain for their parents. What a horrible message to send. And, they will grow-up hating you and raise children that hate them. YUCK! I have seen it happen all too many times.
Finally, I certainly appreciate Ellen’s initial attempt to communicate the fact that we need not be in the business of constanting pleasing our children or being their best friend. I whole-heartedly agree. But I think that message got lost in translation on this particular posting.
My two cents -
Amy
What a great article indeed. I do believe we need to treat our kids as we would treat our friends with respect and love but being friends is a very different and intimate relationship with adults that children are not ready yet for. Our children can’t relate or give advice on issues that adults deal with it. Our children need to be children while they still can.
We keep hearing that parents need to be parents, not friends to their children. I am convinced that the best parents are best friends to their children - not the same being buddies though. We need to define our terms. True friends have healthy boundaries with one another. They do not allow disrespect, destructive or self-destructive behavior in their relationships. Problems are handled in a mutually respectful manner and friends hold one another accountable for agreements and responsibilities. True friends do not accept or give abuse. Forgiveness comes easily for friends.
Buddies on the other hand often allow or even inspire inappropriate behavior. Buddies are often selfish and careless about the relationship. Buddies often use each other for selfish purposes. We know the difference because buddies come and go in our lives - true friendship is everlasting.
My grown daughter and I are now best friends, but it was not always so and it took a lot of work on my part to change our relationship. For years I really bought into the lie that it was OK for her to hate me as long as I could control her and make sure she did what was right - even though I eventually learned that it was impossible to control anyone. I have since learned that it is possible and much easier to gain cooperation when the relationship is friendly.
I have watched my daughter and her 15-year-old daughter chatting and thoroughly enjoying each other’s company and wished I had had that with her when she was 15. But unfortunately she was almost 20 when I finally learned how to be an effective parent and friend to her. I even became a parent educator to achieve that goal. I often tell her that she is a much better parent than I ever was. Her answer is always, “Yes, I know, and it is because I have better tools. Thanks for teaching them to me.”
With effective, respectful loving and positive techniques parents can learn to be effective parents AND friends with their children. This is very valuable because we all are much more likely to listen to, want to please and cooperate with someone who is a friend rather than someone we are angry with or hate.
No parent should ever have to feel that it is OK, let alone desirable, for their children to hate them. Parenthood has so much more to offer! When parents learn how to be true friends to their children parenthood is an incredible joy even when the children are teens. My daughter absolutely loves being the parent of teens and she has two of the most loving, respectful, cooperative and enjoyable kids I have ever seen.
Parenting is the most important, challenging and difficult, yet potentially rewarding job we will ever have and it is mind boggling that most of us do not receive any training or education whatsoever to help us with the job.
Dear Ellen,
I think you’ve missed the whole point of parent-child relationships. Just by calling your child “buddy” or “pal” will not disintegrate your parent-child relationship because your child always knows that you are the parent first and foremost, but you are also telling them that you are their friend and confidante as well. My mother (born in the 1940s) is not a “buddy” generation, but she raised me as her friend and since I can remember she has been and will be forever be my best friend. I cannot think of someone better to hang out with than my mother and that is because we had a lot of fun together and she always joined me in my fun when I was growing up.
The big elephant in the room that you briefly mentioned is the “positive role model”. Your children mimick everything you do. So if you have “drinking buddies” then they too will have drinking buddies, whether you call them buddy or not. You cannot expect your child to do what you say, not what you do. So if you want your child to grow up not drinking or saying abusive words, then you don’t model it in front of them. If you want them to love reading and learning, then you have to model that love of learning for them. In your child’s eye, you are the superstar. What better reward and complement your child gives you than to copy what you do…but the problem is that parents don’t want to correct their own behaviors and then wonder where their children learned this or that.
I say parents can and should be friends to their children, otherwise your children will find other friends, ones that will lead your children in a direction you may not want.
A parent and student of early childhood education.
There are a lot of thought-provoking comments here, thank you for sharing!
I think that since tones of voice and expressions are difficult to accurately assess in written materials, some of our disagreements may not be as large as they seem, and simply be a matter of semantics.
Can you have a wonderful and respectful parent/child relationship where the nicknames “pal” and “buddy” are regularly used? Sure, however the underlying message of friendship must be strongly balanced by effective leadership and role modeling? I think that when “being buddies” takes precedence over being respectful- then problems set in.
Keep your comments coming:)
Several years ago when my children were younger, I mentioned to my boss about wanting to be my children’s friend and she told me “my kids have friends, what they need is a mother”. She had such a close relationship with her children that her statement seemed rather harsh, but now, it makes complete sense.
My oldest son will be 18 in August. He has always been a good kid and I’ve never had any major problems from him. Therefore, it has always been difficult for me to punish him for the MINOR problems. Now that he is older, he doesn’t understand and/or thinks it’s unfair when I tell him to do something or get on to him for something.
Although I believe we should have an open relationship with our children, one that they feel they can talk to us about anything without being judged, there should be limits in the “friendship”. A healthy respect should always be maintained…somehow, the child needs to be made aware that, although they are loved, they are NOT in control and do not always get their way. Otherwise, the lines between friend and parent become blury and it is difficult on the child because the person that has always been nice in the past is suddenly trying to make “demands”.
I love my children and they love me, but I do see the importance of they realizing (at least for now) that I am their mother first and their “buddy” second.
Angela
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