Preventing Sexual Abuse
by Ellen C. Braun
Filed under Communication, Controversial Parenting Styles, Parenting Toddlers
Last week I was privileged to attend a lecture on the subject of preventing sexual abuse among children by Dr. D. Pelcovitz, professor of education and psychology at Azrieli Graduate School of Jewish Education in New York.
There is a theory among overprotective parents that the ideal way of ensuring our children’s safety is to watch them vigilantly at every moment. However, not only is it impossible to constantly keep our children in our site, it is educationally an incorrect method of raising children. Teens and school-age children require a certain amount of privacy and freedom in order to properly mature and learn responsibility.
Many parents are afraid of talking to children about issues of abuse, marriage, and the facts of life. However, just like giving a child a bitter-tasting yet necessary medication, parents must not abdicate their responsibility and avoid discussions which may be uncomfortable. Done correctly, speaking to children about intimate topics will create a warm and loving bond.
We all talk to our children about safety with regard to crossing the street. No parent is remiss in talking to their children about food, water, and fire safety. Discussions about personal safety ought to be approached with the same vibe. Just as you look both ways prior to crossing the street and never go swimming without a lifeguard, so too, you must know that nobody has permission to touch your private parts.
Teach wariness without fear: Just as a child is not anxious about looking left and right before crossing the street, there is no need to inject undue tension into the discussion.
It must be stressed that molesters are often people very close to the child, and it is worthwhile adding that “Nobody has permission to touch the areas covered by your bathing suit” include aunts, uncles, grandparents, teachers, and trusted babysitters. Only a doctor, under the auspices of a parent, can touch private areas.
Give examples of types of touches, and allow your child to elaborate about how those touches make him feel: Chills, hugs, massages, and holding hands.
Role playing is a valuable tool to aid children in the ability to say “No”.
The majority of child molesters are ‘shopping around’ for vulnerable victims and a firm “NO” will generally cause the perpetuator to search elsewhere for another child.
Role-playing and discussions need not be limited to discussions of a child’s private parts, as most abusers do not begin by touching a child’s genitals.
“Tommy, what would you do if Uncle Al tickles you too much and you want him to stop?” – would be a simple opening to begin this discussion.
A child must be secure in the knowledge that his body belongs to him alone, and he has the right to say “no” to any kind of touch that makes him feel uncomfortable, whether it is an aunt’s over-exuberant kisses, an uncle’s incessant tickles, or a neighbor’s suffocating hugs.
“STOP! I don’t like that” is the response that children must know they are always allowed to proclaim.
If the perpetrator of the unwanted touch does not stop, the child should be taught to continue screaming until help arrives. This golden nugget has saved many children from abuse- generally because they had parents that took the time to teach them this concept.
Very often abuse occurs in familiar territory: an unused classroom, the laundry room in the basement, or a deserted area of a playground. Screaming for help will hopefully alert someone within a short period of time.
The concept that ‘my body belongs to me’ is likely to be a novel one for preschoolers who view adults (and ten-year-olds!) as the rulers of their universe. “Might makes right” is what youngsters generally think, and if a grown-up is doing something, then it must be correct.
In summary, catch a teachable moment where you can talk to your children, and thus dramatically increase their chances of not becoming a victim. Speaking about hypothetical situations builds up children’s muscles in order for them to stand up for themselves..
Here are just a few conversation starters:
“What would you do if the babysitter told you that her boyfriend is coming over, but it is a secret and you can’t tell Mom and Dad?”
“Let’s say a teacher gives you a hug that feels yucky, what would you do?”
“What if someone tells you a secret and says that he would hurt you if you tell anyone about it? Would you tell Mom or Dad?”
thanks a ton for this particular mail…it was something that i have been wanting info on..thanks everyone for sharing your stories and views it makes my resolve to deal with this topic so much stronger..and to make sure that everyone is a suspect..i find it very difficult to communicate with my 6 year old daughter ,maybe because she doesn’t show ant response or any sign if she has understood antthing that i am saying…very tricky to do anything with her maybe all these books and role play will help..thanks once again.
There is also a book by Gaven DeBecker called PROTECTING THE GIFT. It is a great book with those of us with kids and protecting them.
his article has been in my “mailbox” unopened until now. Even though it is old I feel compelled to comment. Perhaps my reply will help even one. Honestly, this article and the responses have me feeling pretty undone. A year and a half ago I wouldn’t have finished the article because I didn’t believe this was anything I had to worry about. You see, I was a very careful, protective Mother. No, I didn’t tell my daughter about “bad” people, I didn’t want her childhood to be ruined with worry or have her innocence damaged. Besides when would “those types” of people have the opportunity to have access to her.
Long story short, our family entered a crisis state when we learned my twin pregnancy was in jeopardy and I was in and out of the hospital, over night and for all day appointments etc.
Many kind people from our church offered assistance in watching our 3 girls, we thanked them kindly and said we would call if they were needed. That would never happen…how in the world would we be able to get to know them and were they crazy to think someone could accept under these circumstances?! After all, my mother and my husband’s parents were there for us.
My father-in-law stepped up to the plate like never before. He would call and volunteer help for the up coming week. “Whatever it takes we are here for you.” We had no reason to believe there was anything to fear but there were warning signs that are now glaringly obvious in hind sight. ( May I suggest going to websites that talk about predators. They are amazingly accurate.) Four months after our twins were born and and one month after they were finally home safe and sound. (10 months of trauma and preoccupation) my Father-in-Law volunteered a chance for my husband and I to get out and grab a bite and some groceries. We desperately needed both. Upon returning home I caught him groping my 11 year old daughter. Our picture perfect world fell apart that night. I stood staring in utter disbelief. I called her away and confronted her on what I witnessed and she told me that it had been going on for almost 10 months and was scared and confused. Until we talked with professionals (police, therapists CPS) we thought our case was unique, odd. But everyone we spoke to assured us it was classic. He was someone we trusted and loved very much. We were preoccupied with a crisis, which made our daughter feel as if saying something would have only served to further burden our family. He was too good to be true. Prior to this time period there were no offers to watch the children except on our request, which were VERY few and far between. He didn’t threaten her in any way, instead he used attention and fun to endear her to himself. He hung on her every word about school, soccer or anything else a little girl found interesting. Listened to her sing and BRAGGED on her every accomplishment and earned her loyalty. She said, “I thought he loved me and was my friend.” We did too. It was so insidious.
We are stunned when we read the predator profiles…we can see him so clearly now. They rarely “look” like what you would think.
We thought it was a “sin of opportunity”. That he simply found himself caught up in something and that once confronted he would apologize for it and get help and we would protect our girls and never give him a second chance to be near them. Well, We confronted him. He denied it all and cut us loose as if we were trash. No love lost on his part! We told the rest of our family dreading the condemnation and feared they would not believe us. To our complete surprise two other grand-daughters had almost identical stories…We couldn’t have been more stunned. Neither could their parents.
We are now looking at a trial in August. He has hired 2 attorneys and is fighting tooth and nail. Please pray for our family and an outcome that glorifies God.
I can’t tell you how devastated we are and have been, but how grateful we are that the truth has been revealed and that God spared us the pain of an ugly secret that most assuredly would have visited my 4 other “protected” daughters. The girls (victims) are doing well, considering. The secret coming to light has been a painful blessing. Romans 8:28 really applies here. The case worker says that ours is a very typical case except for the fact that things didn’t go further than they did. I chalk that up to mercy, that God honored our prayers over our children and over rode our ignorance.
Bottom line: Look into this subject…know what to look for, there are signs and they aren’t always what you would think. Talk to your children, OPENLY. I love the example of teaching children to cross the road… I could have equipped my daughter if I had not falsely protected her. We are an upper-middle class family, well educated and my father-in-law is a well respected citizen and former CEO, blah, blah, blah.
I pray this would help someone. Thank you for letting me share.
I got this message forwarded by a friend. I don’t know if anyone will see my late post. Perhaps I write it only for me and God.
My 3 year old told me about abuse a year ago. I did what I thought would protect her. Unfortunately, the abuser is my ex-boyfriend and her father. When we got to family court the entire system turned on me. He sexual acting out became a symptom of my anxiety. Her first therapist, who documented abuse, was discredited because “no one has ever heard of her.” My 3 year old is now spending more time with her abuser than she ever has before. I was threatned with losing custody for not sharing our precious daughter. Her dad had been molested and was on porn for 12 hours a day. I should have known. I thought I caught this early and now my hands are tied. Please pray that she will reveal to her therapist and that the court will not terminate her therapy (as has been suggested). She is afraid to talk about it to anyone but me. I’m tortured with what I know and not being able to stop it. I’ve thought about going underground but would risk losing her entirely. I’ve heard that people survive this because someone listens. Please listen to children. I’m listening to my daughter and hoping she will not come through this unscathed because I believed her and did all I could. As she gets older, I only pray she finds strength to tell others and that he is unable to stifle her expressions. I also pray that he will stop this. Please hear my prayers, lord, and protect your child.
Thank you.
I have been cautious with my children and very vigilent at watching my children in public places, I was molested at school from Yr 1 till around 16. This was done by older students who had watchers to tell if the teacher was coming. NOw my son comes home from school Wed 11/06/08, my daughter says he had to sit on the steps for being late from the toilets. I have always tried to establish a relationship where we speak about what happens at school and why they had to sit on stairs. Thank goodness we had established this… my son (yr 1 – 6yrs old) was abused by a peer… his own age… I had not thought of this, I was always thinking of older children or adults etc. You see the school lets children partner to go to the toilets, what a mistake!!! My son’s abuser told him all about sex, pulled his pants down, pushed him on the ground and other things unmentionable, I tried to keep a steady voice so my son would continue. He said to his perpetrator stop, but softly. His so called friend told him to be guiet and locked the door and barred my son from getting out, my son said “I couldn’t escape”. We have had discussion on what he could do to get out and to yell very loud and do not stop until some one comes. I have always spoken about private parts and belonging to only you, but forgot how, when in a situation they did not know what to do if it is a friend. My son said “his nose would bleed if I hit him” too worried about his friend. All I can say is — remind children always and abusers come in all sizes.
“However, not only is it impossible to constantly keep our children in our site, it is educationally an incorrect method of raising children. Teens and school-age children require a certain amount of privacy and freedom in order to properly mature and learn responsibility.”
I do not agree with this statement. As a doctor of psychology specializing in the treatment of sexual trauma, I believe that as a parent you should be constantly vigilant. Who says that constantly keeping children in our sight is an “educationally incorrect” method of raising children? What a blanket statement!! Please take into consideration actual and developmental age. The idea that children should be independent is typical of an individualistic society. I am from a collectivistic society and I am glad that my own mother kept me in her sight as much as she did… when I hear the stories of how even one episode of sexual abuse destroyed the souls of my own clients, I would rather be deemed “overprotective”- after all, one of my main jobs as a parent is to ensure, to the best of my ability, that my children reach adulthood unharmed by sexual abuse. Those of you who don’t believe in the power of one episode of sexual abuse for ruining people’s lives should watch the documentary “Awful Normal”… maybe watching it will convince you to be a little more overprotective with your children and stop listening to bologna about children’s needs for independence- It’s time for people to start realizing that we live in a country-and a world- where sexual abuse is an epidemic.
I’m glad you pointed out the importance of making sure our kids know to say “no” or “stop” when they don’t like, or no longer like, touching. (For example, tickling.) There are also lots of teachable moments when they can learn how to respect *other* people’s no’s and stop’s. For example, sometimes my boys will be roughhousing and having fun, but there always comes a time when it’s no longer fun for one of them. We tell them to listen to each other’s words and sounds (our younger son is only two, and often vocalizes without words) to know when enough is enough. We want them to learn that no means no, which is an important lesson for boys to learn as they grow up.