Comments on: Preventing Sexual Abuse

By: Aimee

Aimee — Fri, 12 Sep 2008 02:39:10 +0000

I’m glad you pointed out the importance of making sure our kids know to say “no” or “stop” when they don’t like, or no longer like, touching. (For example, tickling.) There are also lots of teachable moments when they can learn how to respect *other* people’s no’s and stop’s. For example, sometimes my boys will be roughhousing and having fun, but there always comes a time when it’s no longer fun for one of them. We tell them to listen to each other’s words and sounds (our younger son is only two, and often vocalizes without words) to know when enough is enough. We want them to learn that no means no, which is an important lesson for boys to learn as they grow up.

By: Jackie

Jackie — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 05:02:49 +0000

“However, not only is it impossible to constantly keep our children in our site, it is educationally an incorrect method of raising children. Teens and school-age children require a certain amount of privacy and freedom in order to properly mature and learn responsibility.”
I do not agree with this statement. As a doctor of psychology specializing in the treatment of sexual trauma, I believe that as a parent you should be constantly vigilant. Who says that constantly keeping children in our sight is an “educationally incorrect” method of raising children? What a blanket statement!! Please take into consideration actual and developmental age. The idea that children should be independent is typical of an individualistic society. I am from a collectivistic society and I am glad that my own mother kept me in her sight as much as she did… when I hear the stories of how even one episode of sexual abuse destroyed the souls of my own clients, I would rather be deemed “overprotective”- after all, one of my main jobs as a parent is to ensure, to the best of my ability, that my children reach adulthood unharmed by sexual abuse. Those of you who don’t believe in the power of one episode of sexual abuse for ruining people’s lives should watch the documentary “Awful Normal”… maybe watching it will convince you to be a little more overprotective with your children and stop listening to bologna about children’s needs for independence- It’s time for people to start realizing that we live in a country-and a world- where sexual abuse is an epidemic.

By: Cindy

Cindy — Fri, 13 Jun 2008 00:48:18 +0000

I have been cautious with my children and very vigilent at watching my children in public places, I was molested at school from Yr 1 till around 16. This was done by older students who had watchers to tell if the teacher was coming. NOw my son comes home from school Wed 11/06/08, my daughter says he had to sit on the steps for being late from the toilets. I have always tried to establish a relationship where we speak about what happens at school and why they had to sit on stairs. Thank goodness we had established this… my son (yr 1 – 6yrs old) was abused by a peer… his own age… I had not thought of this, I was always thinking of older children or adults etc. You see the school lets children partner to go to the toilets, what a mistake!!! My son’s abuser told him all about sex, pulled his pants down, pushed him on the ground and other things unmentionable, I tried to keep a steady voice so my son would continue. He said to his perpetrator stop, but softly. His so called friend told him to be guiet and locked the door and barred my son from getting out, my son said “I couldn’t escape”. We have had discussion on what he could do to get out and to yell very loud and do not stop until some one comes. I have always spoken about private parts and belonging to only you, but forgot how, when in a situation they did not know what to do if it is a friend. My son said “his nose would bleed if I hit him” too worried about his friend. All I can say is — remind children always and abusers come in all sizes.

By: Sylvie

Sylvie — Fri, 28 Mar 2008 21:27:30 +0000

I got this message forwarded by a friend. I don’t know if anyone will see my late post. Perhaps I write it only for me and God.
My 3 year old told me about abuse a year ago. I did what I thought would protect her. Unfortunately, the abuser is my ex-boyfriend and her father. When we got to family court the entire system turned on me. He sexual acting out became a symptom of my anxiety. Her first therapist, who documented abuse, was discredited because “no one has ever heard of her.” My 3 year old is now spending more time with her abuser than she ever has before. I was threatned with losing custody for not sharing our precious daughter. Her dad had been molested and was on porn for 12 hours a day. I should have known. I thought I caught this early and now my hands are tied. Please pray that she will reveal to her therapist and that the court will not terminate her therapy (as has been suggested). She is afraid to talk about it to anyone but me. I’m tortured with what I know and not being able to stop it. I’ve thought about going underground but would risk losing her entirely. I’ve heard that people survive this because someone listens. Please listen to children. I’m listening to my daughter and hoping she will not come through this unscathed because I believed her and did all I could. As she gets older, I only pray she finds strength to tell others and that he is unable to stifle her expressions. I also pray that he will stop this. Please hear my prayers, lord, and protect your child.
Thank you.

By: Cheri Barnes

Cheri Barnes — Thu, 13 Mar 2008 05:55:00 +0000

his article has been in my “mailbox” unopened until now. Even though it is old I feel compelled to comment. Perhaps my reply will help even one. Honestly, this article and the responses have me feeling pretty undone. A year and a half ago I wouldn’t have finished the article because I didn’t believe this was anything I had to worry about. You see, I was a very careful, protective Mother. No, I didn’t tell my daughter about “bad” people, I didn’t want her childhood to be ruined with worry or have her innocence damaged. Besides when would “those types” of people have the opportunity to have access to her.
Long story short, our family entered a crisis state when we learned my twin pregnancy was in jeopardy and I was in and out of the hospital, over night and for all day appointments etc.
Many kind people from our church offered assistance in watching our 3 girls, we thanked them kindly and said we would call if they were needed. That would never happen…how in the world would we be able to get to know them and were they crazy to think someone could accept under these circumstances?! After all, my mother and my husband’s parents were there for us.
My father-in-law stepped up to the plate like never before. He would call and volunteer help for the up coming week. “Whatever it takes we are here for you.” We had no reason to believe there was anything to fear but there were warning signs that are now glaringly obvious in hind sight. ( May I suggest going to websites that talk about predators. They are amazingly accurate.) Four months after our twins were born and and one month after they were finally home safe and sound. (10 months of trauma and preoccupation) my Father-in-Law volunteered a chance for my husband and I to get out and grab a bite and some groceries. We desperately needed both. Upon returning home I caught him groping my 11 year old daughter. Our picture perfect world fell apart that night. I stood staring in utter disbelief. I called her away and confronted her on what I witnessed and she told me that it had been going on for almost 10 months and was scared and confused. Until we talked with professionals (police, therapists CPS) we thought our case was unique, odd. But everyone we spoke to assured us it was classic. He was someone we trusted and loved very much. We were preoccupied with a crisis, which made our daughter feel as if saying something would have only served to further burden our family. He was too good to be true. Prior to this time period there were no offers to watch the children except on our request, which were VERY few and far between. He didn’t threaten her in any way, instead he used attention and fun to endear her to himself. He hung on her every word about school, soccer or anything else a little girl found interesting. Listened to her sing and BRAGGED on her every accomplishment and earned her loyalty. She said, “I thought he loved me and was my friend.” We did too. It was so insidious.
We are stunned when we read the predator profiles…we can see him so clearly now. They rarely “look” like what you would think.
We thought it was a “sin of opportunity”. That he simply found himself caught up in something and that once confronted he would apologize for it and get help and we would protect our girls and never give him a second chance to be near them. Well, We confronted him. He denied it all and cut us loose as if we were trash. No love lost on his part! We told the rest of our family dreading the condemnation and feared they would not believe us. To our complete surprise two other grand-daughters had almost identical stories…We couldn’t have been more stunned. Neither could their parents.

We are now looking at a trial in August. He has hired 2 attorneys and is fighting tooth and nail. Please pray for our family and an outcome that glorifies God.
I can’t tell you how devastated we are and have been, but how grateful we are that the truth has been revealed and that God spared us the pain of an ugly secret that most assuredly would have visited my 4 other “protected” daughters. The girls (victims) are doing well, considering. The secret coming to light has been a painful blessing. Romans 8:28 really applies here. The case worker says that ours is a very typical case except for the fact that things didn’t go further than they did. I chalk that up to mercy, that God honored our prayers over our children and over rode our ignorance.
Bottom line: Look into this subject…know what to look for, there are signs and they aren’t always what you would think. Talk to your children, OPENLY. I love the example of teaching children to cross the road… I could have equipped my daughter if I had not falsely protected her. We are an upper-middle class family, well educated and my father-in-law is a well respected citizen and former CEO, blah, blah, blah.
I pray this would help someone. Thank you for letting me share.

By: Karla

Karla — Mon, 10 Mar 2008 19:07:27 +0000

There is also a book by Gaven DeBecker called PROTECTING THE GIFT. It is a great book with those of us with kids and protecting them.

By: nalini

nalini — Tue, 04 Mar 2008 07:35:04 +0000

thanks a ton for this particular mail…it was something that i have been wanting info on..thanks everyone for sharing your stories and views it makes my resolve to deal with this topic so much stronger..and to make sure that everyone is a suspect..i find it very difficult to communicate with my 6 year old daughter ,maybe because she doesn’t show ant response or any sign if she has understood antthing that i am saying…very tricky to do anything with her maybe all these books and role play will help..thanks once again.

By: leah

leah — Tue, 04 Mar 2008 06:16:19 +0000

Ellen, thank you so much for printing this article. Also thank you everyone for book and other info. My husband just found out that at least half of his sisters, and he had 7 of them, were sexually abused by close family members. Protecting my little boys from this has been on my mind alot. I think the books will be helpfull. Once again, thanks.

By: Diana T

Diana T — Mon, 03 Mar 2008 13:08:33 +0000

I work in NJ schools for a program called CAP (Child Assault Prevention) teaching children how to protect themselves from bullies, strangers and known adults who might try to take away their rights to be “Safe, Strong, and Free”. We teach the kids, among other things, that they have a right to say “NO” to any touch that makes them feel uncomfortable and to use a deep guttural yell, rather than a scream. The yell comes from the diaphragm and can be sustained even when running away, whereas high-pitched screams often peter out if they get out at all. Children need to be empowered to stand up for themselves. We also tell them, that if something happens, “it is never the child’s fault” and that they should keep telling adults until someone listens and helps them. CAP is a national and even international program. It teaches a lot of strategies and uses role-playing to get the message across. Ask your school’s guidance counselor or nurse if CAP is available in your area. Teacher in-services are provided and parent education workshops are conducted prior to every program. After reading your stories, I will go to work today and teach these things with renewed purpose.

By: Aliza G

Aliza G — Sat, 01 Mar 2008 22:19:51 +0000

Alison says: “I finally understood why I was sooooo careful about choosing babysitters and why I was reluctant to leave my kids.”
- boy did this hit home! I was molested by a male babysitter when I was about 8. I have very rarely left my daughter with a babysitter EVER – and never really thought about it until I read that.
I also recommend Gavin DeBecker’s book, “Protecting the Gift” – it really is a must read for all parents.
Unfortunately my daughter was fondled/molested by her older cousin (whose mother, in turn had been molested by an uncle when she was younger). Fortunately my daughter was able to talk to me about it and he is no longer allowed to be alone with her – she doesn’t even want to be in the same house as him.
It makes me wonder what made HIM do that to her – as they say that molesters themselves have beenmolested at one time.

By: Jennifer

Jennifer — Fri, 29 Feb 2008 21:47:18 +0000

When I was 5-7 years old I was repeatedly molested by a male teenage babysitter. He lived across the street and my parents knew the family very well. My relationship with my mother was very open and I could tell her anything, but I never said anything to anybody until I was 30 years old after the birth of my second child, when I experienced Post Partum Depression. The molestation was the major cause of my PPD. I have gone to therapy and worked it out, but there is still not a day that goes by that I do not think about it. Mothers -I urge you to never let a male babysit your daughters -no matter how well you know the person or family. Never think that your kids will always tell you, I had every opportunity and never said a word.
I recommend a website -keepingkidssafe.com that has excellent tips on keeping your kids safe. It cost about $30 for the information, but well worth it.

By: Kay

Kay — Fri, 29 Feb 2008 17:38:46 +0000

This article brought up lots of ghosts from the past. I was brought up by a Mother who was abused physically and sexually by her father and watched her Mother being physically abused. The sexual abuse stopped for her when she was 15. I remember my Mother being protective of me and I never knew my Grandfather. When I was in 4th or 5th grade and having guitar lessons alone in a studio with an older man who was asking me to wear dresses and telling me how pretty I looked. I told my mother about it and she was right on it and I never went back! I always remember being taught at a later age not a younger age (but I don’t have a good memory of my earlier years, it is blocked out)about those things and I as a mother am totally aware of my daughter and she too has been taught what is acceptable touch.

Through all of this I have blocked out the fact that I was sexually abused as a young girl by my brother. I have always tried to reason it was probably normal behaviour and happened in all families when I did think about it. I have been able to block it out and justify it when it did come to surface until these past few years it has come up with me. It has always made me sick to think about what happened to me as a young girl and even though I tried to smooth it over with the idea it was probably normal. I always felt at fault somehow because I participated in activities he guilted me into. I realize it was not my fault and I had nothing to do with initiating his behaviour. I am in my 40′s now and I have wanted to love my brother and look up to him but in the back of my mind I wonder how he feels about all this or if he blocked it out and/or if he regrets over this or if he is embarrassed.

I guess even the most knowledgabel parents on the subject don’t realize that their girls are not always safe alone at home with their siblings and visa versa. It is hard when you love your family and they do things that cause confusion and hurt and you are not equipped to deal with it emotionally.

Let these stories be a lesson that it can happen to anyone anwhere, anytime and it is true it is usually not by a stranger!

By: Lastmate

Lastmate — Fri, 29 Feb 2008 17:29:51 +0000

Very often a parent perpetrator is unreported or even denied because of the family’s financial dependence on their income (whether still living in the same household or not). A girl adopted at age 5 from Russia was molested & pornographically exploited till age 13 by her single adoptive father, an affluent, highly respected engineer in PA. It turned out that his grown birthdaughter from a prior marriage had been molested, too, especially on weekly parental visits with him after her parents divorced. Her mother claimed she’d never been told about the molestation, even after they learned the dad was adopting a little girl, till after the abuse of the adopted daughter resulted in the girl’s courageous appearance on talk shows and “Masha’s Law”, federal legislation providing for high settlements in civil suits by victims against anyone who DOWNLOADS pornographic photos of them. Then the man’s birthdaughter revealed her own childhood abuse. I suspect that financial dependence on child support payments received from this man (which would be interrupted or even ended if he’d been incarcerated) were a factor in the secrecy. This is especially the case if the victim and his/her other parent feels they’re now out of harm’s way, while still receiving financial support or other benefits from failing to prosecute or even report their abuse. They delude themselves into believing that the perpetrator can go unpunished and keep his secret without ever seeking or finding another victim.
The incarceration of any parent convicted of any crime has devastating economic repercussions on innocent family members (especially those of mid to higher income) Often they will do, deny or bear whatever it takes to prevent that from happening. Just another sad example of how, throughout the world, economic “might” has always made “right” (or rather, “wrongs forever unrevealed and unpunished”). I’m sure every cemetary, however small, contains a surprising # of publicly respected, well-regarded AND much-loved (by those who never witnessed their dark side, thus its existence isn’t real to them even if they say they “believe” those who did see it) perpetrators who took their sexual abuse secret with them peacefully to their graves. I thought of this when I attended my own father’s honored war-veteran/Masonic funeral, as he was one of those perpetrators and most likely not the only one buried nearby! I guess I’ll never know if I was my father’s only victim (my sisters and stepsister seem to think so), but somehow I doubt it.

By: alison

alison — Fri, 29 Feb 2008 16:12:41 +0000

Chiming in to second the recommendation of “Protecting the Gift” by Gavin De Becker. It is very helpful. Hard, but empowering.

My brother was molested by a babysitter when he was a toddler and I was a baby. He tried to tell my parents but neither of them heard. He told me about it when we were in our late 20′s and I had two of my three kids. I finally understood why I was sooooo careful about choosing babysitters and why I was reluctant to leave my kids.

My brother got some counseling and worked things through with my parents, but it tore our family apart for a while.

Here’s the thing: we don’t want to know. It is so common for kids to not tell, especially boys, but it’s even more common, when a kid finally does tell, for the parents to not hear. I have heard several stories first hand of kids who told and the parents, heartbroken now, swear they didn’t hear it. I think the brain shuts down and rejects the unthinkable.

It would serve us, to warn our brains, “I’m probably going to hear some things I don’t want to, at some point (drinking, bad language, pre-maritial sex, reckless driving, poor grades, whatever!), and I need to listen and stay in it with my child, regardless.” We all make mistakes, we all miss the boat at times, but the real damage we do, is when we live in denial and won’t acknowledge what is.

Thanks for this, Ellen.

By: Laurel

Laurel — Fri, 29 Feb 2008 14:36:01 +0000

We just did a workshop for our church’s children
talking about good touch and bad touch…. and how sometimes it can change…. and to say no touch when it comes to your privates.

By: Jamie

Jamie — Fri, 29 Feb 2008 12:58:50 +0000

Thanks to all who have posted. I think it is safe to say that as parents we need to realize that ANYONE can pose a threat to our children. Through this whole ordeal with my husband sexually assaulting the 10-year old boy, I have found that there are loopholes in the laws of our state. After finding out that my son had given false testimony, I contacted a criminal attorney to find out what my legal obligations were. I was shocked to find that Child Protective Services, my son’s therapist, my therapist and I were under NO legal obligation to inform the police that my son had given false testimony and that he had witnessed a sexual assault. They and I would only be obligated to contact police if my son were the assault victim. Since my husband was no longer in the home, he posed no immediate threat to my son which is why the therapists were under no obligation. This adds yet another dimension to the topic – in my lovely state, a person can witness a sexual assault and is NOT be obligated to report it. A person’s child can witness an assault, tell their parents and the parents are not obligated to report it. They will have broken no laws by not reporting it.

By: Wilma Seville

Wilma Seville — Fri, 29 Feb 2008 12:38:40 +0000

I read, with interest and great empathy, the comments of people regarding the sexual abuse of children.

This happened to my daughter when she was about 8 years of age. Her step father sexually molested her which necessitated a hospital visit and the police being called in.

Suffice it to say, that I seperated from this man and protected my two children. However, I did feel some responsibility towards him and took him to a Spanish speaking physiatrist for about a year.

This was many, many years ago and my daughter needed extensive therapy at the Sick Childrens Hospital and to this day, it still affects her.

She is now 44 years of age and married but it was only with years of therapy that she could partially overcome this event.

She still feels great anger towards him but is working on that now.

Even after all these years, it remains buried deep in the sub-conscious.

By: Chika

Chika — Fri, 29 Feb 2008 07:30:26 +0000

Thanks for this article. I have small children and worries about mlosetation and abuse. It’s sad that these things happen to the innocent.
I work in the behavioral health and have seen the lives that have been destroyed by abuse of all kinds.
I pray for comfort from above to families that have experienced this. God protect us all from this horror.

By: Beth

Beth — Fri, 29 Feb 2008 06:00:16 +0000

I have a very close friend who is now an older adult and she recently told me that when she was a child her older brother had sexually assaulted her regularly and when her mother found out she did nothing about it. I can see the pain of this experience in my friend. She seems to have suffered mentally from this. She is a lovely person and my heart aches for her. I notice that no one is talking about teenage brothers molesting thier younger sisters and it should definitely be discussed with your child also. This is far more prevalent then most would like to believe or even know about. It is almost impossible to control what happens between siblings and this subject must be addressed as well

By: sakshi

sakshi — Fri, 29 Feb 2008 05:21:13 +0000

thanks a lot

By: becky

becky — Fri, 29 Feb 2008 04:18:00 +0000

I was always waiting for my daughter to ask the me the questions about the birds and the bees/ sex. I tried not to force the subject and honestly maybe was uncomforatable talking to her about it. When she was ten, I discovered my mother’s boyfriend, certainly a grandfather figure in my daughter’s / family’s eyes was molesting her, masterbating in front of her and showing her pornography in a garage of my mother’s house. I deeply regret not having shared more with her at a younger age. This preditor got to her at the age of 8 and used the secret line which she believed. He is in jail now for raping two young girls that were neighbors. A deep hurt is that my mom sticks by his side to this day. She some how believes he is a changed man. I’ve had to drop all contact with her for the sake of protecting my children and to help keep me sane. I have trouble stomaching her knowing the private details of my family and then sharing them with her boyfriend who has betrayed us. My daughter seems to be doing well. She never mentions the abuse or my mom or the boyfriend. These are deep wounds she seems to keep to herself and we respect her private pain. I don’t hold back now talking to my other children. Thank you Ellen for bring up this subject. It is so very important.

By: Christy

Christy — Fri, 29 Feb 2008 03:47:08 +0000

As a mom of 6, this whole issue was compelling to me by the time my oldest was about 3 (7 years ago). I came across a book that became just priceless to me as we started getting babysitters, checking out pre- and then elementary schools, having playdates or sleep overs, etc. The book is called “Protecting the Gift: Keeping Children and Teenagers Safe (and Parents Sane)” by Gavin De Becker.

I confess, that without realizing it, I was a bit neurotic as a new mom, but also just overwhelmed with the enormity of the task I had as one of my children’s key protectors and educators. This book was just a godsend. It helped me get a framework for the whole idea of safety (the sexual stuff-and more-is covered, with really good statistics so it’s clear where to be looking for trouble…and it’s often not where us mom’s think!). There’s just so much practical advice that covers about everything I could think of. And I can’t say how many times I’ve recommended this book/author!

And I also know it’s important to not over-emphasize a topic. By doing so, we can actually be part of the cause, not the solution. And I love how this book helped me learn where to take responsibility, when to forgive myself and cut myself some slack…and how to look at the world from a realistic, rather than a fear-based position. And THAT is a key thing I want to teach my kids, as well as how to be safe and very confident in their worlds.

Thanks everyone for your honestly and all you’ve shared!
Hope this assists someone…

Christy

By: Rachel

Rachel — Fri, 29 Feb 2008 00:54:57 +0000

Something that has not yet been posted here is the possibility for the perpetrator to be of the same gender as the victim.

This may not be as common, yet it is a reality. In some ways this can be even more confusing and difficult for a child to deal with.

It could even be a fellow classmate in school. The victim is scared to ‘tell’, in fear of everyone in school finding out about the ‘shameful’ story.

There are so many unfortunate molestation stories. In my opinion, it is something that should be addressed in schools as well.

Did you know that 3 out of 4 girls are victims of some form of molestation? It is not spoken of enough. It’s a very ‘hush hush’ topic.

More must be done to stop the sick-minded individuals.

Any ideas?

By: Dawn

Dawn — Fri, 29 Feb 2008 00:06:23 +0000

My heart goes out to the women who shared the tragic stories about abuse and betrayal from their husband and dads. I also was married to a man for many years before discovering he was living 2 seperate lives- the sucessful corporate man who was active in church, and the sex addict who hooked up with porn and prostitutes regularly. After years of 12 step meetings and therapists, I took my daughters and started over. My daughters initially resented me going back to work and leaving our lovely home for a not so great apartment. Now, many years and tears later, they are glad I did. Any Mom who is struggling with this decision- please get the friend/counseling, emotional, spiritual and financial support you need to protect your children now! Any Mom who has any quiet doubts, or has heard even one suspicious sound, PLEASE secretly put a sound activated digital/tape recorder in the room to check out the situation. Our children need us, to go beyond what is comfortable for us, to truly protect them in this age of pervasive child porn and rampant addiction.

By: Laura

Laura — Thu, 28 Feb 2008 23:58:58 +0000

Your local children’s advocacy center would be a place to find prevention information and also to get help. Most function as nonprofits and could also use all of the community support available. Although not all communities have one, there are advocacy centers nationwide.