Protecting our children
By Wade Meszaros, Mental Health Child & Youth Therapist
I have been involved in counselling families and children for the past 15 years.
One of the most devastating experiences a person can go through is an abusive experience. I have found over the years the most horrendous damage is done when a child experiences physical abuse, emotional/spiritual abuse, molestation or sexual abuse.
While on holidays a number of years ago, visiting my wife’s family I came home after a game of golf and noticed that my child was withdrawn, clearly unhappy and very quiet. Certainly not like his inquisitive, bubbly personality that we have come to love or appreciate. Upon questioning my mother in-law, it was apparent that something had happened, but she was resistant in talking about it. I continued to probe and finally got the story. My son and the neighbor boy (who was a year older) were playing outside and my mother in law noticed while looking out the window that my son’s pants seemed to be pulled down to his knees, but did not say anything. She did not want to cause any problems. It was causally mentioned to my wife sometime later. Immediately my wife went outside and called our son into the house. He would not say anything to her and became very quiet. When I got home and found all of this out, I took my son to a quiet corner of the house and began by affirming my love for him, clearly stating that he was not in any trouble, but that I needed to know what had happened so I could help. He was 6 years old at the time.
In between sobs he slowly told me that the boy next door had asked him to play a game with him and so my son complied and they played hide and seek. Then my son said lets play soccer so they kicked a ball around. The next door neighbor boy said ok, my turn, lets go behind the garage and play another game. My son complied and once there, the boy took down his pants and asked my son to take his pants down which he did. The boy had asked my son to play with his genitals and he would play with his at that point my son said no, and pulled his pants up. The other boy did the same and then went home. I affirmed my son telling him that he did the right thing by refusing to do what the boy had asked. It opened up a big discussion on right behavior and wrong behavior, what to do if someone asked him to do something like that again. I told him he was very brave in telling me and I hugged him and told him how much I loved him and that he was not in any trouble at all and that I was very proud of him.
The next thing I did was to set up a meeting with the parents next door and my wife and I sat down with them and in a non-judgmental way explained to them what had happened. After asking a number of questions about their son, it was revealed that he had been discovered a few years ago with a baby sitter who was doing inappropriate things with him under a blanket. Nothing was ever done or followed up with that. I strongly encouraged them over the next three days while we were still visiting to set up an appointment. with a counselor I recommended, to not allow their boy to be unsupervised with other children (they had a child care center out of the home) and to have the counselor call me before we had to leave. Otherwise I would have to report what had happened to Social Services. The family complied and the boy did get help and the abuse stopped.
It is very important to talk with your children even at the age of 4 about their private space, explaining that no other people are allowed to touch them in certain places even if being asked nicely by friends, family or others. It is important to explain to them what parents can do ( in terms of bathing and hygiene) and that it is not right for other children to touch. It is important to talk to them about what to do if something like that happened. What to do if someone tried to do something with them when they did not want to.
When the boys got old enough to access the internet, I made it very clear to what they needed to avoid and closely monitored them, reinforcing the attitude of how dangerous the internet can be. I allowed them more responsibility as they got older on accessing information as they showed in their behavior that they were responsible.
There are also internet blocking you can set up on your computer which does help to remove any temptations or dares from friends on instant message programs.
In terms of recovery; Getting counseling sooner then later is the best option. The earlier the intervention the better the success. Patience is the key here, it is a difficult thing for someone to “disclose” and the more gentleness, kindness and love you offer the easier it is for them to open up. Shame and guilt do a lot in diminishing communication. Again, be patient, affirming how wonderful they are, how safe and how loved they are.
I have included some internet sites that would be beneficial to visit
http://www.angelfire.com/ga3/protectourkidz/
http://www.ojjdp.ncjrs.gov/jjjournal/jjjournal598/net.html
http://www.care2.com/c2c/group/compassionateservice
http://www.ispa.org.uk/complaints/page_154.html