However, this is still a great article that I think many will learn from!

He avoids us and resists most attempts to communicate. Now, I am recognising how I (we) have unknowlingly communicated an altogether too critical approach to him while not taking enough care to take his own needs sufficiently into account (a quiet, good child is all too easy to overlook!).

What you say is useful and confirms the approach I am inclined to take.

Crucially, I am beginning to see the good and to trust. That makes me feel better and will probably free him up too.
Thanks.

The answer to your question must depend on the circumstances surrounding your story. Are you on speaking terms? Do you see each other regularly? Are there ongoing arguments, or just a cold distance between you?

I’d start with total transparency by saying, “Look, I know things have been rocky, and I want to apologize for the way I’ve acted in the past, and I’d like to make some positive changes. How about if we start by going somewhere you like/ treating you to something special so that we can spend some time together in a neutral environment like a museum, park, sporting event?” Depending on the circumstances, you may want to write a letter and then follow up with a phone call.

I see where you are coming from in this post, however both quality and quantity are integral to children’s development. The point of this article is to demonstrate that quality time is not just time spent together- it is time spent together where we feel tuned-into each other’s feelings, in which case we want to meet the other person’s needs and desires, which proactively eliminates so many “acting out” behaviors!

One of my children has Sensory Processing Disorder and ADHD and if avoided eye contact and shrugged off hugs and I used that as a cue to connect with him, he would probably punch me! Seriously… those cues mean back off for him.

So I mention this just as an educational bit for parents who may have undiagnosed children or parents who see someone like me treating my child differently than they would treat theirs.

My first piece of advice would be to schedule 10 minutes of personal time for yourself when you transition from school to home. During the commute, or make a stop on the way home. Stop at a bookstore, coffee shop, meet a friend, get a quick manicure, do something you really LIKE and enjoy. That will fill your emotional bank account so that you have from where to withdraw the love and patience your family needs, and so that you aren’t running on empty.

And buy the book, Connection Parenting- it’s much cheaper than therapy;)

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However, I also want to point out the level of CONNECTION that occurs during our time together.

I can take my son to the grocery because I need to buy food and have nobody to watch him. We will spend an hour together and have no meaningful connection. On the other hand, I can focus on making a segment of that time CONNECTION TIME by tuning into my son’s moods and interests. Since my kids have strong opinions about food, we can discuss which foods we will buy, how many items, why they like those particular foods, etc. At the end of this shopping trip, my son and I have grown emotionally closer.

Emma, mom of Kayla and Sarah