Dear Ellen, can I have your permission to write an article for a magazine I work for, based on this interview? Along with the article, I promise to give reference to your website. Please, do respond to my email address.

Many thanks!

Plus, I like that you give specific ways or ideas for teaching kids these things.

Thanks for your insights.

I have a small request, i would be glad if you look into my concern and give me a solution..
My son is 9 years old. He is a very sensible and emotional child. Extremely talented but very short tempered. By the time he realizes his mistake its done. There is no consistency in his behaviour. There are many mood swings. I really finding it tough to understand and motivate him in the right direction. His attitude is being a hindrance to his growth that’s what i feel.
Looking forward for a desired response…
Regards,
Jeevani.

In Dec. of ’08, long after our child rearing years were behind us, our daughter took a job working two days a week (Tu/Th), and we took responsibility for our 3-yr old grandson from 8 A.M. until 5:00 P.M. those two days. Then, at 3 P.M., our 8 and 14 year old grandsons joined us for the remaining two hours. This continued without serious complaint until Sept. ’09 when the work schedule went to three days a week. The boys are now 4, 9 and 15.

In the beginning, simply being thrilled to have the additional time with the boys carried us through the stresses that come with quite distinct personalities and diverse ages. The elder grandson had sports and band practice on both days; he joined us on days when there was no school. Each of us had one-on-one time with the younger two boys. During the summer months, the boys generally were amenable to being outdoors much of the day, and using the above ground pool late every afternoon for at least an hour. As grandparents (ages 66 and 70) we were quite tired at the end of each grandson day, and grateful for the day in-between to ‘recover’.

When the schedule became Mon, Wed & Fri, we gradually began to notice a slow, yet steady, decline in our levels of energy and patience. This surprised us, as the 4 year old was now in half-day pre-school on those days. It was if we were anticipating every problem, dreading each would occur, and, sure enough, each would. Teasing, fights over who had what and when, bad-weather days keeping us inside, screams from the youngest, etc., had us frantic. Finally, we became so stressed that our daughter decided to resign her job and stay home. She had noticed for several weeks that we seemed less eager to be fully involved with our grandsons than previously. (One suggestion we made was to enroll one or both of the younger boys in a beginning karate class, to help them acquire the discipline needed to develop a skill, with the hope that they would be calmer when at our home. For many reasons, this was not an option.) No one was happy!

Getting her decision to resign on a Friday gave us the weekend to mull it over. We told each other this wasn’t what we wanted for the boys, our daughter or ourselves and that the two of us would see if something else could be done. We had a proposal for her by Sunday evening.

Our solution was to have only the younger boy on Wednesdays. Our daughter agreed and will reduce her hours at work that day from eight down to five, picking up our 4 yr old grandson by l:30 P.M. Yesterday (Mon) was our first day under the new arrangement…and it was great for all of us. In addition, our daughter reminded us of the various activities that each boy enjoys and agreed to bring puzzles, games, Lego’s, etc., in separate bins for each grandson that we will store here. She also gave us suggestions for how she calms each boy when conflicts start and before they get out of control.

The audio tape we heard today gave us many new ways of helping each grandson to make solid choices for themselves during the days and weeks ahead. Perhaps the biggest plus for us was the section on scheduling activities to decrease tension among the five of us. For example, as all three love to be on the computer, who gets on first and for how long has been a huge point of contention. After hearing the tape, we decided to set up a schedule for them: age 4 will get his time on the computer after lunch with one of us sitting with him as a helper. When the older boys arrive, they can decide who goes first. If they can’t figure it out, we’ll let the middle boy go first, as he is the one who always asks as soon as he gets in the door. The teen generally is hungry and thirsty first thing, and he can relax, get on his phone to his friends or play music, etc., until his brother’s time is up. They each already know that one hour is the limit. If we need to make adjustments, we can…it just won’t be a fight every afternoon.

That’s the other thing…as the audio talk recommends, we caregivers need to talk more often, not about what isn’t working, but what is, and how we can respect and encourage each grandson individually. Thanks for wanting to hear from your listeners today!

Viv in Ontario, Canada

Maria, NY