Comments on: Rebellious Teen

By: Indra Lena

Indra Lena — Wed, 07 Jul 2010 05:32:55 +0000

I am 15 years old right now and think that these suggestions are ridiculous. My parents and I get along really well. I love being with them and we have mutual respect for them. If my parents treated me like how this thing suggests, we would not have such a great relationship. My parents know exactly who I am and that I like to be “different” or “rebellious”. I go to late night punk shows, I have dreadlocks, I don’t dress like everyone else, I listen to loud music, I consider myself an anarchist, I practice magick, I go to new age stores, some of my friends smoke, drink, and do drugs, and alot of my friends have “emo” makeup, mohawks, wear spikes. Even though my parents accept me for who I am and who my friends are. They just make sure I don’t do anything stupid, I make good decisions, and I stay safe. Because they don’t critisize who I am I follow thier rules, I’m straightedge (don’t drink, smoke, or do drugs), I have good grades, and most importantly I respect myself, and my parents, and I am happy.
I think my parents are doing an awesome job of raising me! If they ever tried to send me to counselling my trust in them would completely shatter and I would probably disobey their rules and be defiant. This is why parents should not be so uptight with thier kids.

By: Lost Mom

Lost Mom — Mon, 01 Feb 2010 06:34:52 +0000

If you live in Canada, your daughter is allowed to leave your home at the age of 16. However, you are still responsible for her until she is 18. (I guess that means, if she wants to come home?) You cannot force your daughter to get councilling and cannot get any type of support or service to assist your daughter unless she accepts/agrees to it. I’v learned very quickly that waitlists are extremely long and the right types of supports are limited or non-existing.

My situation sounds very different then yours, but I thought if I put it out there, maybe…just maybe someone could help us.

All I can say is “Drugs”. We saw the signs quickly and tried to get help, but kept getting doors/road blocks. So we took a hugh risk and moved into an area without transportation, (an hour away from where we used to live and where my husband and I both work.) That back fired badly on us.

Our son just rebelled even more. He found new friends with drugs the very first day of school. We don’t know how he got money for it, but every day we knew he was high. When we tried to talk to him about it or about anything that he used to be interested in, he was just rude/vulgar towards us.

He also became very explosive and would engage himself into extreme rages, almost every night. Sometimes we got away with weekly episodes. He would purposfully put holes in walls the size of basketballs, brake windows, mirrors, chairs, my car windshield, car antenna, he even tried to throw a television out of our second story window.

We tried not to yell at him, but sometimes at the beginning of all this, we would slip. At first we mostly used a calm firm voice and put logical consequences in place and would follow through. Then we seemed to get beat down, it was just so hard. We then got to the point where we just begged him to stop, most times we would cry. We finally got to the point were we didn’t say anything at all. We tried not to look at his distructive behaviours and would walk away. We didn’t even say stop.

We tried to do family nights out and he would not go. We tried to do things in the home that he previously liked, such as play a board/video game or watch a movie. He would not participate. He would not eat with us. He stopped showering, would stay up all night and sleep all day. We did everything the school asked us to try and nothing seemed to work. We sent him to the hospital by ambulance to get evaluated for depression. They said he did not have it, “he is just being manipulative.”

We had to make sure not to leave even a penny around the house. I had to lock valuables in my car trunk. I kept taking things away as a consequence, but it only left him the feeling that he had nothing to live for. He skipped school every day. He found a girlfriend on facebook 3 hours away and just took off. (don’t know how he got there)

We called the police several times, but their only suggestion was to charge him. They said they could force him to get councilling that way and then would drop the charges. So the desperate parents that we are, did this. We now know that this was not accurate information. The police cannot force him to get councilling and I also found out that the police are not allowed to drop the charges once there made.

So, we couldn’t post the bail because we placed the charges. My mom posted the bail and he lives with her. She lives 10 minutes away from our old home. He is so happy now. He gets to be with his old friends everyday. He doesn’t want to talk to us. He says “what kind of parents call the police on their own child?”

My mom says that he has not had one outburst since he’s been there. He doesn’t swear at her, but he does’t follow her rules either. He goes to school a couple of days a week and he appears to be high a couple of days a week. This seems to be better then his depressed state that he slipped into, but we wish we can help him.

I feel like we’ve pushed him away (not on purpose). I just wonder how things would be if we didn’t move, maybe it was just a phase? In any case, we have definately lost him all together and don’t know how to get him back. Most nights I worry so much I cannot sleep, so I stay up searching this internet hoping to find some new ideas.

There is nothing that anyone could say that would offend me. I am open to and would appreciate any suggestions. (I did look into Robert Land Accademy, but it was way too expensive and they do not accept payment plans) (I am also on a waitlist to get parent councilling)

Thank you in advance for any suggestions

By: Holly

Holly — Sun, 29 Nov 2009 17:05:02 +0000

I am a mother of 4. From 1 yrs old to 15 1/2. I am in a tuff spot right now,, we are trying to buy our own house. There is alot of stress in the house. A little while ago my oldest daughter had a friend over and they went to the movies and had fun but that night our daughter and her father got into a argument over her chores around here. She works at a dairy farm behind us and she is a good girl,,, but she likes to have all the popular cloths and try to fit in . We do not have alot of money but we provide for our family. The guy she works for lets her get anything she wants almost and some of her friends and others are telling her that she could leave home and live with other people at her age. I have tried to talk to her we have always been close but its like all of a sudden she has went another derection.. Can someone please tell me what is the leagel rule of kids leaving home. I told her she has to be 18 and other people are telling her she could leave today.. We do not abuse her in any way,, but she seems to think so when we get into arguments. I could really use the help on this one.

By: Carroll

Carroll — Sat, 18 Jul 2009 00:26:04 +0000

I am a grandmother and my daughter is over 40 and is doing very well, but she was rebellious as a teenager. Now she has her own to raise, and I am very proud of her and her husband. I am so touched by all of your struggles, and it strikes me that there is not always “one way” that fits all in raising an adolescent. One of the best points was that while on the one hand, this is the age of testing limits, on the other, this is when some limits are most needed. It’s a very hard thing to remember when you feel that you are “losing the battle” on a given night and can’t even think straight. You are all very gracious to encourage one another, and we should pray for the young man in prison, that he comes out and is a new person, and that his mother’s pain is eased.

By: Debbie

Debbie — Tue, 12 May 2009 15:19:08 +0000

My daughter is 15 as well and is going through this same type of rebellion. I currently have her in counselling because she has lost 10 friends to suicide and accidents and the past year. I also believe she, too, has had sex with her boyfriend and is not telling me because she has lately become very hateful and defiant towards me. This past mother’s day was the worst I have ever experienced because of her behavior. It is very difficult to look at a child you love with all your heart and see the hatred in their eyes. Her father and I have been divorced for 3 years and her father is again recently divorced so she is wanting to go live with him. Part of me wishes I could let her go… and that hurts. Her father was emotionally, psychologically, and physically abusive towards her sisters and brother before he left ( not to her as far as I know) and only emotionally and psychologically abusive to me. I pray these years pass swiftly because every day my heart breaks a little more…

By: Dyan Eybergen

Dyan Eybergen — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 18:23:36 +0000

the headlines on the news this morning here in Edmonton was that a 14 year old girl died of overdose of ectasy while out at an organized supervised teen party. She ironically was a participant in an anti drug campaign. It is the second time in one month that teenagers have died as a result of drug overdose in this city. A 16year old boy is now in custody for having sold drugs to them.
An associate professor at Harvard University has been leading groundbreaking research on the teen brain now for over a decade. The pre-frontal cortex which lies just behind the forehead has control over planning, working memory, organization and regulating mood. This is the time in life where teenagers need to learn skils for decision making, planning and organizing. If they are not being taught this they can’t be expected to make good choices. As the frontal cortex area matures, which researchers say doesn’t fully happen until the age of 20 , then they can reason better and develop more control over impulses and make better judgements.
It is a teens responsibility to test boundaries and limits, it is the parents responsibility to make sure that the boudaries they push doen not put a child into a place that is dangerous.
The mother who wrote this question intuitively knows something is not right with her child. It may not be depression – it may just be a normal teen testing limits but it is the mother’s responsibility to make sure her child remains safe.
Again, I am not suggesting parents be FRIENDS with their kids – parents need to be parents and teach their children to make healthy choices and keep them out of harmsway when their raging hormones and lack of judgement may get them into trouble.

By: Kemberlee

Kemberlee — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 13:57:55 +0000

I am a high school math teacher and I work closely with teenage girls on a daily basis. My experiences have led me to speculate that your daughter may have become sexually active. In addition to this activity, she could have had a bad experience. She may be hurt, confused, and mad as hades. She may not feel comfortable speaking with you about her activity, if this is the case. Like Esther said, you have to love her anyway. Being combative with her will only exacerbate the situation. Be open to her at all times. When she is ready and comfortable, she will talk to you. You have to let her understand that no matter how horrible her actions are, you’re going to love her anyway. She may also feel more comfortable speaking with a counselor instead of you. To this day, I do not speak about sex with my mother.

By: Esther

Esther — Sun, 26 Apr 2009 23:02:22 +0000

Gina, you say Dyan’s 2nd paragraph is way off base, yet in your 3rd paragraph, you essentially said the same things, only in a different way. This mother is frantic about her daughter’s behaviour, and wants to help her as she feels she is unhappy and perhaps depressed. The daughter has text messages about her mother that were awful. Should the daughter be allowed to have the cell phone when she is mailigning her mother with it? Yes, these are trying years, and we do have to let our children know they are loved, and we are there for them. We also, have to guide them and hold them close while they are going through this, even if it means restricting their time away from home and the family.

By: Padma

Padma — Sun, 26 Apr 2009 10:56:24 +0000

Look at the web site fro Emotional freedom techniques-EFT. You will find answers there.

By: Gina

Gina — Sun, 26 Apr 2009 04:14:38 +0000

Dear Help Me,

I am appalled at Dyan’s response to your question! Paragraph two is way off base as far as I am concerned. The rest of it seems like pretty sound advice. I have raised one daughter, now age 24, have a 12 year old son and have taught school for the past 28 years. I have taught middle school/high school for five years. Your girl is definitely going to do things to test you and she will test her limits with you. Don’t freak out too much about the ear gauging thing. She is just doing things to express her individuality and to be accepted by her peers. She may dye her hair, dress weirdly, get more piercings, etc. My daughter got her tongue pierced and got a tattoo! I was very upset with her at the time, but she was trying to express her individuality and show her independence. I am happy to report that she is a wonderful, well-adjusted young lady who works two jobs and is putting herself through college.

This craziness will pass, but it will be ugly for quite a while. My daughter’s rebellion was from age 16-19. I agree with Lisa. It’s good to have their friends be welcome in your home as much as possible. You will learn a lot without them knowing it, as well as chauffeuring them in the car. You will be privy to many conversations that they think you aren’t hearing. Be a listening ear and don’t respond with answers or advice unless asked. I was shocked at some of the things that my daughter told me, but I didn’t let my facial expression or body language bely that. She learned to trust me and share more of her life with me. Don’t judge her friends by their clothes, piercings, hair, etc. They are finding ways to express their individuality. It may not be what you want, but it’s okay.

I agree with dinners together. That has helped my relationship with my son and has gotten us talking more. Teenagers tend to be moody, unpredictable and withdrawn. That is natural. Don’t force the family outings if she really doesn’t want to go. My daughter and I used to have “dates.” We would go out to dinner and to a movie and cell phones had to be shut off, hers and mine. This is a rule that still stands whenever the family goes out to dinner. Let her have her space, but continue to set limits with where she’s going, who she’s with and when she’ll be home. Taking the cell phone away works as a punishment, but if she already has one, it’s unfair to take it away for no reason. Pay attention to what movies she watches, what she reads and who she’s talking to on the internet. The internet use has to really be monitored, especially for teenage girls.

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. There are many good books around about raising teenagers. My favorites are Raising Children for Success and Parenting with Love and Logic. There’s also a cute little book called 100 Ways to Love your Teenager. I always read that when I was angry and frustrated at my daughter. It will be a rough road for a few years, but keep the lines of communication open and let her know that you will always love her and you will always be there for her, NO MATTER WHAT! There isn’t anything that my children did or now do, that can’t be forgiven.This too shall pass! Good luck!

By: lisa

lisa — Sun, 26 Apr 2009 00:28:32 +0000

I couldn’t disagree with Dyan more. Teens have a right and a healthy & legitimate need to pull away from parents during puberty. Forcing teenagers to leave their friends and be “best friends” with their parents is a form of censorship. How else can teens learn to trust or not trust their instincts? Parents need to remain close by, establish boundaries, hold high expectations for their children…but to think that activities shared with them can and should replace activities shared with their teen’s peers is creepy. I’m the mother of a 21-year-old and 2 17-year-olds. I love their friends, who are always welcome in our home. I also love it when my guys spend time with their friends and their friends families. It’s a big diverse world out there — and that’s the GOOD news. If my mother every pulled the honking in the driveway move w/me, I would have run away for sure. Good grief!

By: glenda

glenda — Sat, 25 Apr 2009 14:31:25 +0000

Dear Afraid,
Boy do I remember puberty with my son. I also teach 5th and 6th graders. I enjoy that age but the puberty starts and even in the classroom you go oh my goodness what happened to that little fella that was here at the beginning of the year. It isn’t a manner of reigning them in and you have to be careful about telling them how they should act with the girl. Try to listen and ask questions that might be thought provoking that they will open up without even knowing it. The next couple of years are rough because they are changing and growing and you will have to keep on your toes. Remember menopause for women ,lots of hormone changes well it is the same for the puberty time of our lives . They are yelling sometimes and then overly sensitve sometimes. But really listening carefully to what they say when they do open up. but also set the boundries and the consequences. If it is a male that is hitting puberty having male influence is important. My brother once told me that when it is testostorone to another testostorone . Male to male sometimes they understand each other more. Getting them into sports or something that interest them and it is positive. But trying to keep them busy and keeping the lines of communication open are really important. I hope some of my words help. I made it through the rough time and now my son is blossoming but it took a long time. Hang in there and it is worth it but boy it can be hard.

By: Julie

Julie — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 17:31:44 +0000

AMEN! You hit the nail right on the head.
I would bet that your students love you too.
I have seen a case where a boy had become friends with another that had a bad reputation. In this case, however, the 1st boy’s parents were very welcoming to all of his friends and became a great support system to the others. They became surrogate parents to those whose own were lacking and it turned out for the best for all involved.

By: Esther

Esther — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 17:04:42 +0000

Hi Donna,
My granddaughter was using the pill for bad acne, and yes it did contribute to her mood. She has recently changed her medication, and seems to be tolerating it a lot better. I know this doesn’t help “Help Me” above, but hopefully this will help your daughter (or others with this issue) to know the pill side effects.

By: Charlene

Charlene — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 14:04:53 +0000

Dear Kim–No religious self-righteousness intended…though I can see where it read that way. Family dinners ARE so important. You are right and so was the author. I think I was just having a moment of frustration yesterday when I read the article and thought of how important all aspects of family life are under attack by our culture, be that family dinners, family prayer, family time period. My apologies to all for coming off offensively. Blessings to all who are struggling. With 5 kids at various ages and definitely having been through some teen rebellion, my heart is with all who struggle!

By: Claire

Claire — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 13:46:44 +0000

What does your daughter enjoy doing? I would guess like most teenage girls she enjoys shopping. As long as you do not think that taking her for some new spring items will cause additional conflict (no you can’t buy that because half your body is hanging out!) I would suggest begining with a fun time together. Devote a few hours to having fun, connecting and not bringing up any heavy topics. Perhaps when you sit down for a bite to eat the conversation might actually flow. Sometimes when we are quiet our teens do all the talking. If the meal is particularly quiet you could bring up some happy topics like what her ideas might be for a summer vacation? Teens need to have some control over their lives and feel as though their opinion counts for something. Provide plenty of positive feedback, and LOOK for things that can be praised. Sometimes we must really stretch ourselves to find something, but teens get a lot of negative feedback in general, so make sure she knows that you love her and that she was created in the image of God, and therefore even though things can be tough at times she is a magnificent and wonderful creation. Finally, I find that praying for my teenagers (I have 3) helps me to be hopeful when the going gets tough, knowing that God is with me and asking that he watch over and guide my teenagers down the right path and divert them from danger is a comfort…

By: Glenda

Glenda — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 05:37:33 +0000

Hi everyone,
Well about 20 years ago I could never have had any idea what you all have been through. But once you have been through this journey you are never the same. It is a trying time and hurtful. So when you get the good moments cherish them. In todays world there is so much out of a parents control. Mainly because of communication. I also know that who ever your kids are hanging out with will either help you or hinder you. They are searching for self and sometimes you can ask and they don’t know why they do stuff. My son who was the cutest boy then puberty hit . Egaaaads! I didn’t know what that could be. Lots of self esteem issues and I am not talking about oh you didn’t do a good job. But you will find that kids can be the cruelest of all. Not knowing the damage that they are doing. My son is very handsome very smart and would not use the smarts at all in school. I won’t go through everything , but I can tell you this . There is no set way of dealing with it . Kids are smart and they know if you care and they know if they can pull the wool over your eyes. I took my sons cellphone away. Another kid went out and bought him one. It was one challenge after another. He now has become a human bean but it has taken a long time and a lot of tears. I will tell you don’t give up, tell them you love them even when you want to put them in the garbage truck. It is a scarey time for them and we do not always know what they are doing.Being excepted by their peers is far more important than being excepted by their parents..Try to remember your feelings at that time. But don’t give up because ultimately in life we are what they have and deep down they can depend on us. But that doesn’t mean giving them everything they want. God Bless and hang in there because it will be a while before maturity sets in. Be a listener as well as an advisor.

By: DeAnn

DeAnn — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 04:30:46 +0000

I was so happy to see your reply. I have a 23 year old son on his way to prison and I wish I had made more hard choices as he was growing up. I was a very unpopular teen and wanted him to be happier then I was. When he reached 16 and had alot of friends to hang out with, partys to attend, and places to be…I was just glad he was having fun. I knew all his friends, attended his wrestling meets, and thought all his friends were so “sweet”. I was soooo naive because I had never experienced any of it. He got into drugs and went into a downward spiral. He has been in and out of drug treatment and is now on his way to prison. Hold on TIGHT, KNOW their friends WELL and make your home a place they want to hang out so you KNOW what is happening with your children!

By: 'Aunt' Laya

'Aunt' Laya — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 04:14:50 +0000

One book I highly recommend for parents is a book called “Yes, Your Teen is Crazy”. I wrote a book for teens so lots of parents of teens talk to me. Much of what teens do is normal *for that age*. It looks nuts to us parents, just as we look nuts to them!

Try making an appointment with your teen for somthing fun and nurturing, like a day at a hot springs. It may be cheaper than a therapist and do more good even with massages thrown in! Therapy has its place, and that said, nothing will ever compete with wonderful creating special times together. What else you and all the other moms here should know is that even when your kid seems to not want to have anything to do with you, just knowing you are there for them is HUGE to them. They may look like they are not listening, but they are hearing you and it makes a difference.

Something that surprises most parents are the survey results that say most teens put their parents in the number one spot for role model and hero!

Another book I recommend is “50 great tips, tricks & techniques to connect with your teen”

Hang in there!.

By: Lori

Lori — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 03:40:07 +0000

I can relate to this subject as the first of our 4 is 14 and a freshman in high school. For us, the shift started in middle school. In retrospect, and for my other 3, we would/will establish more stability earlier than late middle school. All of a sudden, it seemed, we noticed she wanted to spend so much time online or on the phone, we would allow her to spend entire weekends at friends’ houses. We’ve changed that and we all feel better for it. Think about what/where your child is. We now allow one night/weekend only. And one social outing a weekend, not 2-3 social outings (malls, movies, etc.).
As busy, full-time working parents, and especially if you have younger children, it is so EASY to let them go with friends, etc. But that’s how we LOSE them, too!
We have the proverbial ‘family time’ outings, commitments too that are non-negotiable. She comes with us, without friends, period. It’s important to have time with just her, not friends ‘for comfort or boredom’. Yes, she moans and complains but she knows what we say goes.
And we keep close contact with friend’s parents. I know cell numbers and house numbers, not just kids’ cell numbers. I’ve met every parent whose family she spends time with (and they’re just a few). I’ve talked with them. There has been a few ‘mistakes’ and ‘lies’ like about where they were….I talk frankly with parents and my child and all understand where we stand, what’s unacceptable, etc.
Spend one on one time with them. What is their favorite thing to do? Eat out? Book shop? Sporting event? Movie? Go with them, just by yourselves. My daughter and I went to eat lunch alone and the positive effects are still lasting several weeks later.
Don’t get me wrong, we have our faults and ‘old’ parenting style ingrained…and she was our first when we were young! We yell and argue, etc but we also talk about important subjects sincerely, let her voice herself, and give praise to her. Overall, she has told us later that she feels better when we have ‘pulled in the reigns’ and pulled her back closer to us and our family.
Don’t be afraid to parent. I know I was for a long time and I’m still learning and appreciating how much guidance parents can give. And I thank God for my husband. We have encouraged each other to be better parents.
And we do eat dinner together several times a week. I was surprised to hear my oldest tell me a couple years ago that this is actually the minority. Most, if not all, of her friends ate spread out throughout the house, at all different hours. It really comes down to old-fashioned family values but instead of with an iron fist, doing it with a calm, steady, loving heart.
We won’t re-establish a connection over night but we will over time, with repetition, and with persistence. Don’t give up and be sincere. You’ll make a breakthrough and feel hopeful and know that if you made one, you can make another. Isn’t that what relationships are? Act and retreat, give and take, ….

By: Kim

Kim — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 01:21:39 +0000

Thank you for sharing…I can only pray to get to the same point with my 15 year old. You’ve given me hope that we’ll get through it!

By: Kim

Kim — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 01:18:32 +0000

Research supports family dinners. They’re becoming more rare, unfortunately, and the promotion of this valuable tradition is valid to this discussion. There’s no need to undermine that with religious self rightousness! Take it for what it is…family dinners are a good thing.

By: valerie

valerie — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 01:12:14 +0000

My oldest daughter is now 18, almost 19, and I tell you honestly her behavior put us through hell for two years. HOWEVER, she is now back on track, doing well in school, has nice friends, and is making plans for college next year. When she turned 16 it was like a light bulb going off, a stranger in our house, friends became the dominant concern. I realized that she was at a normal period in her development and needed to establish her own identity and rebel against us for awhile. And that’s what she did, she rebelled. Yes it was rough, there were lots of “talks” about expectations and rules, but I always knew she was basically a good kid, had a good head on her shoulders, and would most of the time make the right decisions and choices. It has been borne out, she is now more mature (don’t forget that the human brain isn’t fully developed until the 20′s) and understands our concerns. She’s now a more mature version of her younger self, able to listen and discuss her concerns with us. I wouldn’t want to go through the last two years again but I do believe it was necessary for her development. Good luck to all parents of teenagers!!

By: Sharon Severson

Sharon Severson — Thu, 23 Apr 2009 22:47:01 +0000

If you understand the way the volitional domain works, you will understand where her direction is originating. The soul has three domains, the intellectual, the emotional and the volitional. The intellectual, which has been overemphasized in our culture, is information storage. The volitional where belief systems and values are, is where all decisions and judgements are made. The University of Kansas has done some impressive research which shows that the volitional domain is not fully mature until average age 20 in our culture, so young people are being sent out to make decisions on their own, far too young. Since their decision maker is not yet fully mature, they often depend on those around them to help make decisions. Wise parents stay closer to these young people through this period and guide them gradually into making decisions on their own while carefully instilling good values. Many parents who feel that their kids are most important in their lives, are turning to home school and what an incredible difference it is making.

By: Dyan Eybergen

Dyan Eybergen — Thu, 23 Apr 2009 21:52:26 +0000

A.L. I have obviously struck a chord with you and offended you greatly. I can see how you took offense. I may have used the wrong language or semantics in saying “competition with her peers”. It was to be a metaphor – obviously a bad one!

Parents should be the main influence in a child’s life – even for a 15 year old. Children who are peer orientated run the risk of getting into a lot of trouble. Much bigger than gauging their ears or wearing inappropriate clothing – you are right these examples seem trivial. However, there is a vast amount of research that supports that these seemingly trivial things are symtpoms of more devasting things yet to come – drugs, sexual promiscuity, drinking, like you mentioned.

I wouldn’t advocate parents lying to their children about their intentions and I can see how you precieved that I did – it does read that way doesn’t it? The mom does want to spend time with her daughter and misses her being a part of the family very much – that is true, so telling her child that is not lying. The part about not telling her daugher that she wants to keep her daughter away from her friends is because if she does admit to her child that she doesn’t want her child to be engaging in reckless behaviour or hanging out with a certain crowd the child will only become more defiant and move away from her family even more – it is a natural defensive reaction. Kids who are peer orientated will listen to their friends before ever listening to a parent because their loyaties have shifted to their peers and unfortuantely, sometimes peers are not healthy – like gangs for example. I was suggesting this mother prevent her child’s loyalties from shifting to her peers by re-establishing her connections with her daughter so she becomes the main influence in her daughter’s life again and to not put her daughter on the defensive because then her efforts would be for not. Kids who are parent orientated can have “questionable” friends, but they make good choices in spite of having friends who may not be morally responsible. They might still hang around with these firends but they will choose to do the right thing when in a situation that their friends may not because they have the guidance and morals of their parents. If they don’t spend any time with their parents they can’t be influenced by them – and if they spend all their time with their peers – who do you think they will take after? I should have been more clear with that, I can appreciate how it sounded to you.

It’s not about the golf lessons or any other activity I mentioned – it is about spending time reconnecting with her child and restablishing herself as the parent – NOT A FRIEND – parent. Activities are just one way to put yourself in proximity with the child so you can “re-orient” her. How you DO that while “playing golf” or taking a drive or anything else is what matters.

I didn’t mention the text message because I felt my answer was already long enough and I concentrated on what I felt was important to the mother – re-establishing a relationship with her daughter and getting her daughter to come back and join the family.