Reflecting Versus Reacting
by Ellen C. Braun
Filed under Communication, Emotional Development
How To Talk So Kids Will Listen
“Honey, I’m so hungry, do we have anything good to eat?” you ask your spouse.
“Hungry!” Spouse exclaims, “How could you possibly be hungry; you ate tons of food at the party!”
Or, how about this scenario:
“Sweetheart,” you begin as you turn towards your spouse to express yourself, “I’m really very hot. Would you lower the thermostat please?”
“Hot!” Spouse practically shouts, “I’ll tell you what hot is- go outside in the sun, then you’ll feel hot! When you come back inside, you’ll realize that it’s very comfortable in here.”
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Well, how did you feel about that? Did you feel understood? Did you feel that your feelings had been taken into account in a meaningful way? Or, were you left wondering whether your emotions were actually real? Perhaps you were not actually hungry? Could it be that the heat was simply a figment of your imagination? Or, did you wonder whether your spouse could begin to understand you after all?
—– Misunderstandings are common between parents and children lacking these essential skills.
Imagine traveling in the mini-van with your daughter. “I’m hungry!” she whines during a long stretch of the highway.
“You are not hungry, darling,” You respond to your daughter, “you just ate dinner.”
Daughter has two choices right now:
Choice #1: Believe Parent; if my parent says that I’m not hungry, then that must be the fact. The rumbling in my belly must be my imagination. Unconsciously, the thought process will travel even further: My feelings may not be real. I’ve got to check with my parents to see if my feelings are truly accurate. I am not capable of trusting my own intuition and emotions.
Choice #2: Not believe Parent; if my parent says that I’m not hungry, that means he/she does not know what he is talking about! My own feelings will guide me to knowledge of the truth. Unconsciously, the thought process will travel down a road that looks like this: My parent does not understand me at all. He/she has no idea who I am or what I am feeling.
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I recall speaking with two different friends recently on a day that I was suffering from stomach problems.
Friend A said to me, “Why don’t you try this pill or that pill?”
Friend B empathized with, “Oh, Ellen, it’s so hard to get anything done when your stomach is out of sorts… it’s as though the whole you is out of sorts, but your mind is working fine and you want to do things, you just feel like you’re weighed down.”
Obviously, Friend A meant well. However, it was Friend B who reflected my feelings that made me feel comforted.
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Effective communication is a learned skill.
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When a child hears his emotions reflected back to him, he is able to accept, trust, and respect his own feelings. That is the essence of confidence. When a child has the ability to base ideas and decisions upon his thoughts and feelings, he is self-aware and possesses a healthy level of self-esteem.
Here is an example of reactionary as well as reflective parental behavior:
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Scene I- Reacting: Susie came home from school with a watercolor painting. “Wow, this is beautiful,” Mom gushed, “really spectacular; you’re a wonderful artist.”
A quick peak into Susie’s mind will yield this train of thought: “Am I really an artist? What about all those times that my paintings didn’t come out so nice? How do I know that I can keep on painting so well? What will Mom say if my next painting is not this pretty?”
Scene II- Reflecting: Susie came home from school with a watercolor painting. “I like the colors you chose,” Mom said. “The bright red and green make me feel like getting a juicy fruit for a snack right now.”
A quick peak into Susie’s mind will yield the following: “Wow, Mom really thinks my fruits look real, she even got hungry looking at my painting. I can actually paint an object and make it look appealing. Next time I’m going to try painting cookies. Or bread with jam. Or perhaps flowers.”
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How To Talk So Kids Will Listen
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Relflecting Versus Reacting is an excellent reminder that we all need to have our emotions affirmed. Counseling teaches that affirmation (reflection)gives the message, “I hear. I understand. You have every right to feel your feelings.” Even if a person doesn’t agree, it says, “I get it and accept you and celebrate who you are.”
I’ve both read the book by Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish entitled “How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk” and talked about it with an instructor and other parents in a parenting component class. I love a lot of the concepts and have used them successfully, but sometimes it can be SO difficult to figure out how to use these techniques in real world situations. Sometimes I imagine/dream that it would be so great to have a device that would instantly connect me with a parenting coach and other parents who could instantly give these types of suggestions and apply it to me in a frazzled moment in time. Sometimes, these techniques don’t work at all for my seven-year-old daughter and so I’ve read, “Raising Your Spirited Child” by Mary Sheedy Kurchinka which helps. It’s almost like some of these “How to Listen” techniques have actually frustrated her. (although, I’ll admit, it could be my application of them that needs changing:)
I like the idea of reflecting back emotions AND giving solutions. Sometimes, when we are open to solutions from others, we can find an idea that is really helpful. I think it’s a matter of using our primary perception, or intuition, and gaging the best choice for the friend or child in the moment of the conversation. But I think the style of Ellen’s friend A (offers solutions)& B (empathizes and reflects) are both acceptable forms of communication. Friend A offers suggestions for improving upset tummy and Friend B says, “wow! that must hurt. That’s tough.” I would take BOTH friend A and B and, ultimately, to stop looking for others to help us feel comfie all the time. Solutions can be just what we need. So, I guess their is a fine line between mollycoddling without solutions, and giving solutions without empathizing. I think a combination of both solutions and empathy is awesome. Again, all of this can be easier said than done:) Sometimes when I have just reflected, my seven-year-old gets frustrated and says, “But you’re not HELPING me!” Sometimes I guess reflection will work best in the moment and sometimes it seems as though potential solutions work good.”
The ad is for the book “How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and How To Listen So Kids Will Talk” BUY THIS BOOK! No, I have nothing to do with the publication so I am not promoting this for any other reason than it is, bar none, this best parenting book I have ever read. I have a very old edition that is coffee stained and dog eared that sits on my night stand. I am not by nature a patient person, this book has saved my sanity and my childrens’ sense of self worth over and over. I don’t know if the new edition has the comic strips, but after having read this book several times I just go to the page that has a strip highlighting the issue at hand and I feel a sense of calm and confidence in my abilties to parent. The results are instantaneous!
To Paula: Does your copy have the comic strips? Those are really good for figuring out application. Work on it, if it sounds fake your kids will see right through it and, of course, become frustrated, and if they do get frustrated try a different angle, it all comes down to the listening part, hence reflection! Make it your own!
I will try this with my children and my husband. It really makes you think about what you say.
I will try this with my children and my husband. It really makes you think about what you say, and how important it is to others.
I found the article helpful. I find myself and husband impatient with our 3yr because we says things like that to him. I will by this book. I need help in this area. I want my children to talk to me and not feel like their feelings don’t matter.
Thanks for the reminder Ellen! Sometimes we say things not really thinking about how it affects the other person. This will help me to think first before reacting in a hurtful way.
I’ve read the book by Mazlish and Faber. It is fabulous!! The techniques take a while to learn though as they are not people’s first reaction.
I think when children say they are hungry after just eating we are supposed to say “Oh, so you feel hungry even though we just ate?”. It acknowledges their feelings and the obvious facts. We could then ask them what they think should be done. If they suggest dessert, than it would be you’re call but if they suggest healthy food then maybe they really are hungry – maybe going through a growth spurt! The benefit of reflecting rather than reacting is that it gives children a chance to figure out solutions by themselves instead of parents jumping in with the solutions. For someone who is not “feely” it can work also as a conversation starter so that the other person can figure out what your thought process has been so far and then help with a solution.
“I’m hot”
“Oh you feel hot”
“Yes, I took off my sweater but I am still hot”
“Oh good idea, perhaps you could get a cool drink or get some fresh air?”
(Or something like that, every person and situation is different.)
I had to remind my husband the other day when I was complaining about a certain person in a situation and he joined in with the complaining, that I just wanted him to listen to me and not to offer a solution (and his solution was to avoid the person which is impossible). He, however, likes to complain and wants me to offer a solution but I have noticed that he feels better about the situation when I have also included validating his feelings as well as helping him figure it out.
Sorry for the long post!
thank you for this interesting newsletter
miriam Blau
Israel
My biggest struggle is with my oldest daughter age 10 and her “sassiness” to me—and ONLY me, her mother. We are similar in so many ways and I think instead of our personalities complimenting each other, they are too much alike. I am by nature a type A personality who needs to always be in control—and so is she. I think I tend to react SO fast to her and I REALLY, REALLY want to try to reflect first and give her a chance. Often times the stuff we fight about is so petty that when I look back on it, it could have been avoided in the first place if I would have just taken a step back, deep breath, and let her TALK to me about it.
This is going to take some work on my part because I am so quick with a response, but for the betterment of our relationship I am willing to try. I want to have a strong relationship with her before those dreaded teenage years begin!
I enjoy reading all of your replies and suggestions………noone said this parenting thing was going to be easy!
Thanks for the great advice – it also reminded me about that book – I have it – somewhere!!! We need to bring it out. Our child has high functioning autism and it has been such a struggle trying to deal with tantrums and feelings – but what your article said was exactly what the doctor said to do!!! Thanks again! Sometimes we get so caught up in the problems that we forget the good advice!
Ellen it was a real eye opener for both of us Me & My spouse!!
It really made us realize that we are doing small little mistakes, which are actually bouncing back to us. I am really thankful for this guidance.