Reflecting Versus Reacting
by Ellen C. Braun
Filed under Communication, Emotional Development
How To Talk So Kids Will Listen
“Honey, I’m so hungry, do we have anything good to eat?” you ask your spouse.
“Hungry!” Spouse exclaims, “How could you possibly be hungry; you ate tons of food at the party!”
Or, how about this scenario:
“Sweetheart,” you begin as you turn towards your spouse to express yourself, “I’m really very hot. Would you lower the thermostat please?”
“Hot!” Spouse practically shouts, “I’ll tell you what hot is- go outside in the sun, then you’ll feel hot! When you come back inside, you’ll realize that it’s very comfortable in here.”
—–
Well, how did you feel about that? Did you feel understood? Did you feel that your feelings had been taken into account in a meaningful way? Or, were you left wondering whether your emotions were actually real? Perhaps you were not actually hungry? Could it be that the heat was simply a figment of your imagination? Or, did you wonder whether your spouse could begin to understand you after all?
—– Misunderstandings are common between parents and children lacking these essential skills.
Imagine traveling in the mini-van with your daughter. “I’m hungry!” she whines during a long stretch of the highway.
“You are not hungry, darling,” You respond to your daughter, “you just ate dinner.”
Daughter has two choices right now:
Choice #1: Believe Parent; if my parent says that I’m not hungry, then that must be the fact. The rumbling in my belly must be my imagination. Unconsciously, the thought process will travel even further: My feelings may not be real. I’ve got to check with my parents to see if my feelings are truly accurate. I am not capable of trusting my own intuition and emotions.
Choice #2: Not believe Parent; if my parent says that I’m not hungry, that means he/she does not know what he is talking about! My own feelings will guide me to knowledge of the truth. Unconsciously, the thought process will travel down a road that looks like this: My parent does not understand me at all. He/she has no idea who I am or what I am feeling.
—–
I recall speaking with two different friends recently on a day that I was suffering from stomach problems.
Friend A said to me, “Why don’t you try this pill or that pill?”
Friend B empathized with, “Oh, Ellen, it’s so hard to get anything done when your stomach is out of sorts… it’s as though the whole you is out of sorts, but your mind is working fine and you want to do things, you just feel like you’re weighed down.”
Obviously, Friend A meant well. However, it was Friend B who reflected my feelings that made me feel comforted.
—–
Effective communication is a learned skill.
—–
When a child hears his emotions reflected back to him, he is able to accept, trust, and respect his own feelings. That is the essence of confidence. When a child has the ability to base ideas and decisions upon his thoughts and feelings, he is self-aware and possesses a healthy level of self-esteem.
Here is an example of reactionary as well as reflective parental behavior:
—–
Scene I- Reacting: Susie came home from school with a watercolor painting. “Wow, this is beautiful,” Mom gushed, “really spectacular; you’re a wonderful artist.”
A quick peak into Susie’s mind will yield this train of thought: “Am I really an artist? What about all those times that my paintings didn’t come out so nice? How do I know that I can keep on painting so well? What will Mom say if my next painting is not this pretty?”
Scene II- Reflecting: Susie came home from school with a watercolor painting. “I like the colors you chose,” Mom said. “The bright red and green make me feel like getting a juicy fruit for a snack right now.”
A quick peak into Susie’s mind will yield the following: “Wow, Mom really thinks my fruits look real, she even got hungry looking at my painting. I can actually paint an object and make it look appealing. Next time I’m going to try painting cookies. Or bread with jam. Or perhaps flowers.”
—–
How To Talk So Kids Will Listen
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Thank you for a practical, helpful article – perfect advice for the betterment of all relationships!
Im a single parent of Twin boys who just turned 10 and they couldn’t be more different. Brian pushes my buttons all the time, and reacts instead of communicating. Any thoughts on how I can better get him to talk with me instead of his getting angry and sometimes physical?
Thank You
I know I’m going to get flack about this, but he’s alot like his mother and it’s next to impossible to have a rational conversation with either of them.
David your comment just made me laugh. My son and I are alike in this way as well, and I do laugh with my husband sometimes about it. Sometimes I simply stop midsentence and say “look, I know i’m being crazy here, just humor me”
I think opening up the lines of communication at vulnerable times can help with him feeling open to talk to you outside of those angry frustration filled moments. Such as bedtime, right when he comes home from school (depending on the child this may or may not work), when he’s asking you for help or advice your reaction may determine whether he feels like you’re open and understanding enough for him to open up in the heat of the moment. I don’t personally have a child that age yet (my oldest is only 6) but I remember being a very aggressive and angry kid, things that helped me were journaling (maybe too chick a thing for him to do), drawing, using my brothers punching bag, running around and other “active” and energy using activities. Alone time with each child might be hard to find being a single dad, but if you’re able to make it work, taking him out by himself and enjoying something he likes might soften him up. Or taking a walk, silence only feels comfortable for so long. In the end, it really took desire on my part for me to open up with my mom, and it was her reaction to what I had to say that determined whether I came back to speak with her again about things.
Thank You Kristina. When I get the boys I talk to them as much as possible. I’m thinking boys are way less communicative than girls, especially now. We go to the park, beach, playground as much as the weather permits.
I suppose the boys difference is simply a product of their “personalities.”
Glad I made you laugh. I didn’t mean to demean their mother, but its obvious her personality has been taken on more so by Brian, then Matthew.
Enjoy the weekend. Its gorgeous out here in New York
I have three kids and have also worked as a teacher and I also need to be reminded to be more reflective with the kids. Reactions are for chemicals
Really good one Ellen, thanks. I have an adolescent whose internal world seems flooded and confused and this advice and outlook is very important for creating a parent/child relationship that feels safe and mutually satisfying, where she can open up and feel more understood, or at least appreciate our attempts at understanding! I will read this again and again.
This is very good advice. I have been trying it as I did a Love and Logic seminar and I have gotten very good results with my 5 y old. The problem though it is not always my 1st reaction especially when I am also consumed in something else- leaving the house, getting dressed for work, dinner etc. It takes lots of practice and it works.
Marcia
THANK you very much for reminding me, I am familiar with it and always try to remember to accept my kids feelings. I tend to have to remind people family and friends when they are with my kids to try and react the same way. I don’t like when my child gets hurt and people tend to react by saying,”it’s nothing ,it will go away…” Always give your child a bandaid it really works and your child will feel loved and understood.
To Mary regarding disrespectful communication, I establish boundaries with my children by letting them know that it’s unacceptable to curse or be rude and I model positive language around them consistently by being polite, even in the heat of a disagreement. I always try to maintain calmness, which brings their decibel and frustration level down. Sometimes, it’s simple miscommunication that begins an argument; other times it’s their expectations that are not met. If their expectations are unreasonable, I always stand my ground (e.g. no expensive purchases just because their friend has that gadget, no time on computer games/tv or with friends until chores, homework are done, etc.)Other conflicts can always be negotiated with humor and much patience, with a goal toward helping them become more responsible, accountable for their actions and most of all respectful toward your position and role as their parent and protector. When they become respectful toward you, they begin to command respect from their friends and establish their own boundaries with the intention of surrounding themselves with equally polite and respectful young people, or they influence others by their positive behavior. My children are my source of pride because I uphold these standards of mutual respect.
Just a comment to Mary. Maria had some excellent suggestions for encouraging respectful communication, but I feel compelled to add this: every kid is different. We brought our two up in the same atmosphere of politeness and respect, and the 16-year-old reflects this probably 98% of the time, while the 14-year-old reflects it perhaps 2% of the time!!!
So much is the child’s own personality and life experiences (much of which we have no control over) so I think sometimes we just have to accept that this child needs to struggle and test us and push us to the extreme.
I don’t allow profanity or major rudeness, but I try to ignore the petty rudeness with my daughter (“I hate you” “You’re so unfair” “You just don’t want me to have friends!”) or I would be constantly correcting her and leave no time for more positive interactions. I think, for her, a certain amount of rudeness is necessary to establish her individuality and to move toward being independent of us.
She suffers from a lower self-esteem than her brother, so lately I have been trying harder to reinforce her positive traits and to some extent I think this has helped lessen the rudeness.
Hang in there, Mary! I am hopeful “this too will pass” for us both!
This is a great Website for all parents.
Enjoy reading it..
Thanks so much for this. I need more help with this topic, I am such a reactor. I don’t know if I can do anything different. NEED LOTS OF PRAYER.
Hi Everyone!
I love this website. I am going on two weeks with it and I find myself looking forward to reading it. Its better than any magazine that I’ve ever subscribed to. Thank you all, its nice to know we are not alone.
A book that made a TREMENDOUS difference for me and my then 3 year old daughter is “Anger and the Indigo Children”. I had read so many different books that certainly helped…but this one was life changing. The author D’Carly Harbour (written under her former pen name at the time Dianne Lancaster) since relocated to Detroit to be the CEO of our children’s resource company, Kid by Kid…and conducts workshops on Managing anger in children that are just out of this world! I highly recommend buying this book!
Fascinating and helpful. Thanks! Just one more thing: you’ve got to be consistent. So if you’re learning a new technique, a new idea, stick to it, go for it, step by painful step. Don’t keep switching parenting skills according to whims – it makes your child feel less safe.
My daughters are age 9 and 6 and are wonderful girls; but struggle with being kind to one another. My 9 year old seems to have a lot of sarcastic remarks. How do I help her talk respectfully? She doesn’t say anything hurtful such as I hate you, etc. but just little comments and talk back. I will practice the reflective listening, but also find it hard to always speak softly and be a perfect parent. I am so scared to mess them up!!
Hi Ellen
This does not need to be published, however, I am interested in your view of redshirting (holding a child to go to kindergarten). “Catherine’s” entry intrigued me, as redshirting is very prevalent in my town and many younger children (who deserve to be in the grade) are really being penalized by having other children in the room that are up to 18 months older. What are your thoughts on this? You’ve given such good advice in all areas, I’m very interested to know what you think.
Reflecting vs reacting
A great truth worth reminding over and over again.Has been an eye opener during troubled times. Thanks a ton. Keep up the good work.
Hi To Laura, your question about children being in the same class but being a year or so apart interested me. I have several siblings who skipped kindergarten and went to first grade at age 5. (I know that isn’t done these days where I am at least). They were sent ahead to first grade and excelled because they were *ready* and I think that is the key. If a child is ready for kindergarten at 5, then he will be fine with the 6 year olds who are also now ready (and weren’t when they were 5). Most parents I know hold their children until age 6 because they aren’t ready at 5. In the case of a younger one being disadvantaged, it might be that they aren’t ready to be in school yet. I would like to hear more about the disadvantages you mentioned especially because I have a little one who will be school aged soon.
I am that mom, the one who tells the boys that they aren’t hungry (we just ate)and that they can’t be hot (since I am cold).
Ellen I am turning into a huge fan, thank you for helping me remeber my manners with kids, after all they are small boys still, even if they think they are all grown up.
Tara in Toronto
Please keep the good stuff coming Ellen. We all need these gentle and wise words to prod and push us towards excellence….well definately me, anyway.
Today’s ‘Reflection’ was particularly well timed for our family. It made me look at what went wrong this morning at breakfast and how it could have gone well. Better late than never.
Thanks for all your well gleaned words of wisdom.
Our digital age has predicated knowledge levels that are inceasing exponentially.Sadly our wisdom is not keeping up.
It is these little nuggets that help us catch up.
Thank you Ellen, and Best wishes of the Season to you and ‘yours’.
Colin
I love your newletter each week. I also like the weeks I have time to read them. Thank you for taking the time to put send them. I enjoyed the reflect vs. react. I need to work, work, work on this. That is my new years resolution. If you can offer any other suggestions in putting this into action I’d love to read about it. Thank you.
It is really important for parents to learn how to reflect rather than react. The biggest part of that is the awareness of the difference in the two as well as the awareness that you actually do it. However, please keep in mind that children have not yet developed the higher order of thinking in their brain. This takes place in the Frontal Lobe of the brain- which is not fully developed until adult hood. So the thoughts such as, “Am I really an artist? What about all of those other paintings that didn’t come out so nice? etc…” Are truly NOT going through the mind of a child at the time of the interaction. It is important, in the development of the child, to focus on the correct part of the act to encourage the brain devolopment. For example – with the painting, how about saying, “Wow – it looks like you worked very hard on this.” and/or “Gosh, I sure like how many different colors you use.” Stick to the facts – stick to what is obvious. Then, ask questions, “How long did it take you to paint this?” That starts a dialoge with the child. Conversation is important for brain development, socialization, confidence, and self esteem.
This is for David. David, I can certainly sympathize with you in dealing with the one twin who pushes your buttons! Stop for a moment of self-reflection and ask yourself a few questions before the next ‘go-around’: 1. Could you be a bit more sensitive to the one because he reminds you more of your ex-wife and are reacting more to THAT than what he acutally is saying or doing? 2. Is it possible that the divorce is affecting him more profoundly than the other? Perhaps he is ‘blaming’ you or looking for something more from you but can’t identify it inside himself, much less articulate it? What may see as ‘pushing your buttons’ is really his having a deeper seated ‘reaction’ to the divorce. Try to gently get to the bottom of this. I may be way off base and it’s just a personality thing after all, but I’ll bet I’m not so far off. Divorce is never easy on anyone, but the children seem to suffer the worst. I am not divorced, but my son and daughter are as different temperamentally as they are physically! They are almost 10 years apart. My son was the ‘easy’ child (happy to play by himself with a couple of cars, etc.) but my daughter demanded attention. Needless to say, she was my button pusher! She is a natural leader and my son a follower. This may be true of your twins as well, but I do urge you to try to get them to open up to you about their feelings on the divorce (separately and privately, of course) before chalking it up to personality traits. Good luck.
David, sorry if I jumped to the conclusion that you are divorced (if that is not the case). I don’t know why you are a single parent but what I was getting at was the ‘why’ you and their mother are not together being a possible contributing factor in my previous response to your question.
i work in a hospital and will find this techinque very helpful to use with patients and co-workers, and even be more empathetic to our own selves.
I work with parents as a parent educator and these articles are so great I would really like to share them with some of my parents. Many of them don’t have computer access so it would be really nice if these article had a link to a printer friendly version. Thanks. Patsy
Patsy, thanks for your kind words- and that’s a great idea- a printer-friendly version…
This is a great article. I am a Family Resource Assistant with a family resource centre, and through my work and at home with my 2 chidren ages 3 and 6 this can be so true and hard to do sometimes. We are not perfect parents and it is a very nice to see articles like this that helps remind us how they process ideas and things that you say to them. Being a parent is a very challenging and rewarding experience.Keep up the great work!
So, the other day my 8 year old daughter stopped me in mid-sentence and said “mom, you sound stressed, maybe you need to go by yourself for a while” and then she patted me on the arm and walked away.
She got it before I did. I do try to reflect back to them in order to validate their feelings/emotions/thoughts, but I suppose I am not always successful. Some points in the day are just so busy I forget that the people I am directing (bossing?) are little ones with great big feelings.
Thanks for this reminder. Thanks, too, for the interactive comments section. It is like having a hundred or so parents to learn from.
Ad? I din’t find any either, althought I scrolled back twice & then gave up. Never the less its a great article.
coz they never used any nor do they feel the need for any. It would be tough but I guess I need to start somewhere. Thanks once again for the lovely tips.
I’m from India & I feel that most of the techniques that you suggest or talk about here are rarely or not used at all in our kind of upbringing. And also having aged grand parents along makes things more difficult especially the way they would react to a certain situation. Things get worse as they would not understand these techniques
Thanks for this great reminder. I used to teach this technique to the parents in school but so often, I forgot to use it on my family!I definitely need to keep this in mind always.
This is totally new to me. Sounds good though. I’ll try to remember to do this next time!
I can see what your saying, but I didn’t like the “I’m hungry” example. If you KNOW your child couldn’t be hungry (after a big meal, say) then why humour him? Let’s be real.
I have adult children, (biologically) and I struggle to detach from them, as they are like boomerangs, and what I caught from these ideas was the freedom of not taking on the problem. Just reflecting is non-judgemental, non-controlling and empowers the child, old or young to think and solve and feel on their own.
I MUST rememeber this…