Comments on: Reflecting Versus Reacting

By: Sonal

Sonal — Thu, 11 Feb 2010 07:31:03 +0000

Ellen it was a real eye opener for both of us Me & My spouse!!
It really made us realize that we are doing small little mistakes, which are actually bouncing back to us. I am really thankful for this guidance.

By: Cyd

Cyd — Mon, 07 Jul 2008 20:42:22 +0000

Thanks for the great advice – it also reminded me about that book – I have it – somewhere!!! We need to bring it out. Our child has high functioning autism and it has been such a struggle trying to deal with tantrums and feelings – but what your article said was exactly what the doctor said to do!!! Thanks again! Sometimes we get so caught up in the problems that we forget the good advice!

By: cor

cor — Fri, 04 Jul 2008 12:10:48 +0000

My biggest struggle is with my oldest daughter age 10 and her “sassiness” to me—and ONLY me, her mother. We are similar in so many ways and I think instead of our personalities complimenting each other, they are too much alike. I am by nature a type A personality who needs to always be in control—and so is she. I think I tend to react SO fast to her and I REALLY, REALLY want to try to reflect first and give her a chance. Often times the stuff we fight about is so petty that when I look back on it, it could have been avoided in the first place if I would have just taken a step back, deep breath, and let her TALK to me about it.
This is going to take some work on my part because I am so quick with a response, but for the betterment of our relationship I am willing to try. I want to have a strong relationship with her before those dreaded teenage years begin!

I enjoy reading all of your replies and suggestions………noone said this parenting thing was going to be easy!

By: miriam blau

miriam blau — Mon, 29 Oct 2007 15:03:10 +0000

thank you for this interesting newsletter
miriam Blau
Israel

By: Sue

Sue — Mon, 22 Oct 2007 16:44:26 +0000

I’ve read the book by Mazlish and Faber. It is fabulous!! The techniques take a while to learn though as they are not people’s first reaction.

I think when children say they are hungry after just eating we are supposed to say “Oh, so you feel hungry even though we just ate?”. It acknowledges their feelings and the obvious facts. We could then ask them what they think should be done. If they suggest dessert, than it would be you’re call but if they suggest healthy food then maybe they really are hungry – maybe going through a growth spurt! The benefit of reflecting rather than reacting is that it gives children a chance to figure out solutions by themselves instead of parents jumping in with the solutions. For someone who is not “feely” it can work also as a conversation starter so that the other person can figure out what your thought process has been so far and then help with a solution.
“I’m hot”
“Oh you feel hot”
“Yes, I took off my sweater but I am still hot”
“Oh good idea, perhaps you could get a cool drink or get some fresh air?”
(Or something like that, every person and situation is different.)

I had to remind my husband the other day when I was complaining about a certain person in a situation and he joined in with the complaining, that I just wanted him to listen to me and not to offer a solution (and his solution was to avoid the person which is impossible). He, however, likes to complain and wants me to offer a solution but I have noticed that he feels better about the situation when I have also included validating his feelings as well as helping him figure it out.

Sorry for the long post!

By: Jill

Jill — Sat, 20 Oct 2007 15:56:53 +0000

Thanks for the reminder Ellen! Sometimes we say things not really thinking about how it affects the other person. This will help me to think first before reacting in a hurtful way.

By: LaTonya

LaTonya — Sat, 20 Oct 2007 07:55:14 +0000

I found the article helpful. I find myself and husband impatient with our 3yr because we says things like that to him. I will by this book. I need help in this area. I want my children to talk to me and not feel like their feelings don’t matter.

By: Lori

Lori — Fri, 19 Oct 2007 22:56:34 +0000

I will try this with my children and my husband. It really makes you think about what you say, and how important it is to others.

By: Lori

Lori — Fri, 19 Oct 2007 22:56:14 +0000

I will try this with my children and my husband. It really makes you think about what you say.

By: Biish

Biish — Fri, 19 Oct 2007 18:28:51 +0000

The ad is for the book “How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and How To Listen So Kids Will Talk” BUY THIS BOOK! No, I have nothing to do with the publication so I am not promoting this for any other reason than it is, bar none, this best parenting book I have ever read. I have a very old edition that is coffee stained and dog eared that sits on my night stand. I am not by nature a patient person, this book has saved my sanity and my childrens’ sense of self worth over and over. I don’t know if the new edition has the comic strips, but after having read this book several times I just go to the page that has a strip highlighting the issue at hand and I feel a sense of calm and confidence in my abilties to parent. The results are instantaneous!

To Paula: Does your copy have the comic strips? Those are really good for figuring out application. Work on it, if it sounds fake your kids will see right through it and, of course, become frustrated, and if they do get frustrated try a different angle, it all comes down to the listening part, hence reflection! Make it your own!

By: Paula

Paula — Fri, 19 Oct 2007 14:54:04 +0000

I like the idea of reflecting back emotions AND giving solutions. Sometimes, when we are open to solutions from others, we can find an idea that is really helpful. I think it’s a matter of using our primary perception, or intuition, and gaging the best choice for the friend or child in the moment of the conversation. But I think the style of Ellen’s friend A (offers solutions)& B (empathizes and reflects) are both acceptable forms of communication. Friend A offers suggestions for improving upset tummy and Friend B says, “wow! that must hurt. That’s tough.” I would take BOTH friend A and B and, ultimately, to stop looking for others to help us feel comfie all the time. Solutions can be just what we need. So, I guess their is a fine line between mollycoddling without solutions, and giving solutions without empathizing. I think a combination of both solutions and empathy is awesome. Again, all of this can be easier said than done:) Sometimes when I have just reflected, my seven-year-old gets frustrated and says, “But you’re not HELPING me!” Sometimes I guess reflection will work best in the moment and sometimes it seems as though potential solutions work good.”

By: Paula

Paula — Fri, 19 Oct 2007 14:46:19 +0000

I’ve both read the book by Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish entitled “How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk” and talked about it with an instructor and other parents in a parenting component class. I love a lot of the concepts and have used them successfully, but sometimes it can be SO difficult to figure out how to use these techniques in real world situations. Sometimes I imagine/dream that it would be so great to have a device that would instantly connect me with a parenting coach and other parents who could instantly give these types of suggestions and apply it to me in a frazzled moment in time. Sometimes, these techniques don’t work at all for my seven-year-old daughter and so I’ve read, “Raising Your Spirited Child” by Mary Sheedy Kurchinka which helps. It’s almost like some of these “How to Listen” techniques have actually frustrated her. (although, I’ll admit, it could be my application of them that needs changing:)

By: Sondra

Sondra — Fri, 19 Oct 2007 13:12:19 +0000

Relflecting Versus Reacting is an excellent reminder that we all need to have our emotions affirmed. Counseling teaches that affirmation (reflection)gives the message, “I hear. I understand. You have every right to feel your feelings.” Even if a person doesn’t agree, it says, “I get it and accept you and celebrate who you are.”

By: BJ

BJ — Fri, 19 Oct 2007 12:25:14 +0000

I have adult children, (biologically) and I struggle to detach from them, as they are like boomerangs, and what I caught from these ideas was the freedom of not taking on the problem. Just reflecting is non-judgemental, non-controlling and empowers the child, old or young to think and solve and feel on their own.
I MUST rememeber this…

By: Lian Peet

Lian Peet — Fri, 19 Oct 2007 05:45:15 +0000

I can see what your saying, but I didn’t like the “I’m hungry” example. If you KNOW your child couldn’t be hungry (after a big meal, say) then why humour him? Let’s be real.

By: Veronica

Veronica — Fri, 13 Jul 2007 05:33:37 +0000

This is totally new to me. Sounds good though. I’ll try to remember to do this next time!

By: Sharon

Sharon — Fri, 04 May 2007 00:18:55 +0000

Thanks for this great reminder. I used to teach this technique to the parents in school but so often, I forgot to use it on my family!I definitely need to keep this in mind always.

By: Roopa

Roopa — Fri, 20 Apr 2007 09:19:01 +0000

Ad? I din’t find any either, althought I scrolled back twice & then gave up. Never the less its a great article.
I’m from India & I feel that most of the techniques that you suggest or talk about here are rarely or not used at all in our kind of upbringing. And also having aged grand parents along makes things more difficult especially the way they would react to a certain situation. Things get worse as they would not understand these techniques coz they never used any nor do they feel the need for any. It would be tough but I guess I need to start somewhere. Thanks once again for the lovely tips.

By: Laura Ambrose

Laura Ambrose — Fri, 30 Mar 2007 22:45:58 +0000

So, the other day my 8 year old daughter stopped me in mid-sentence and said “mom, you sound stressed, maybe you need to go by yourself for a while” and then she patted me on the arm and walked away.

She got it before I did. I do try to reflect back to them in order to validate their feelings/emotions/thoughts, but I suppose I am not always successful. Some points in the day are just so busy I forget that the people I am directing (bossing?) are little ones with great big feelings.

Thanks for this reminder. Thanks, too, for the interactive comments section. It is like having a hundred or so parents to learn from.

By: Lori G

Lori G — Tue, 13 Mar 2007 11:55:01 +0000

This is a great article. I am a Family Resource Assistant with a family resource centre, and through my work and at home with my 2 chidren ages 3 and 6 this can be so true and hard to do sometimes. We are not perfect parents and it is a very nice to see articles like this that helps remind us how they process ideas and things that you say to them. Being a parent is a very challenging and rewarding experience.Keep up the great work!

By: Ellen C. Braun

Ellen C. Braun — Thu, 22 Feb 2007 15:00:19 +0000

Patsy, thanks for your kind words- and that’s a great idea- a printer-friendly version…

By: Patsy

Patsy — Thu, 22 Feb 2007 14:38:50 +0000

I work with parents as a parent educator and these articles are so great I would really like to share them with some of my parents. Many of them don’t have computer access so it would be really nice if these article had a link to a printer friendly version. Thanks. Patsy

By: carrieann

carrieann — Tue, 06 Feb 2007 06:28:55 +0000

i work in a hospital and will find this techinque very helpful to use with patients and co-workers, and even be more empathetic to our own selves.

By: Laquita

Laquita — Tue, 09 Jan 2007 18:19:38 +0000

David, sorry if I jumped to the conclusion that you are divorced (if that is not the case). I don’t know why you are a single parent but what I was getting at was the ‘why’ you and their mother are not together being a possible contributing factor in my previous response to your question.

By: Laquita

Laquita — Tue, 09 Jan 2007 14:48:24 +0000

This is for David. David, I can certainly sympathize with you in dealing with the one twin who pushes your buttons! Stop for a moment of self-reflection and ask yourself a few questions before the next ‘go-around’: 1. Could you be a bit more sensitive to the one because he reminds you more of your ex-wife and are reacting more to THAT than what he acutally is saying or doing? 2. Is it possible that the divorce is affecting him more profoundly than the other? Perhaps he is ‘blaming’ you or looking for something more from you but can’t identify it inside himself, much less articulate it? What may see as ‘pushing your buttons’ is really his having a deeper seated ‘reaction’ to the divorce. Try to gently get to the bottom of this. I may be way off base and it’s just a personality thing after all, but I’ll bet I’m not so far off. Divorce is never easy on anyone, but the children seem to suffer the worst. I am not divorced, but my son and daughter are as different temperamentally as they are physically! They are almost 10 years apart. My son was the ‘easy’ child (happy to play by himself with a couple of cars, etc.) but my daughter demanded attention. Needless to say, she was my button pusher! She is a natural leader and my son a follower. This may be true of your twins as well, but I do urge you to try to get them to open up to you about their feelings on the divorce (separately and privately, of course) before chalking it up to personality traits. Good luck.