I enjoy reading all of your replies and suggestions………noone said this parenting thing was going to be easy!

I think when children say they are hungry after just eating we are supposed to say “Oh, so you feel hungry even though we just ate?”. It acknowledges their feelings and the obvious facts. We could then ask them what they think should be done. If they suggest dessert, than it would be you’re call but if they suggest healthy food then maybe they really are hungry - maybe going through a growth spurt! The benefit of reflecting rather than reacting is that it gives children a chance to figure out solutions by themselves instead of parents jumping in with the solutions. For someone who is not “feely” it can work also as a conversation starter so that the other person can figure out what your thought process has been so far and then help with a solution.
“I’m hot”
“Oh you feel hot”
“Yes, I took off my sweater but I am still hot”
“Oh good idea, perhaps you could get a cool drink or get some fresh air?”
(Or something like that, every person and situation is different.)

I had to remind my husband the other day when I was complaining about a certain person in a situation and he joined in with the complaining, that I just wanted him to listen to me and not to offer a solution (and his solution was to avoid the person which is impossible). He, however, likes to complain and wants me to offer a solution but I have noticed that he feels better about the situation when I have also included validating his feelings as well as helping him figure it out.

Sorry for the long post!

To Paula: Does your copy have the comic strips? Those are really good for figuring out application. Work on it, if it sounds fake your kids will see right through it and, of course, become frustrated, and if they do get frustrated try a different angle, it all comes down to the listening part, hence reflection! Make it your own!

She got it before I did. I do try to reflect back to them in order to validate their feelings/emotions/thoughts, but I suppose I am not always successful. Some points in the day are just so busy I forget that the people I am directing (bossing?) are little ones with great big feelings.

Thanks for this reminder. Thanks, too, for the interactive comments section. It is like having a hundred or so parents to learn from.

Today’s ‘Reflection’ was particularly well timed for our family. It made me look at what went wrong this morning at breakfast and how it could have gone well. Better late than never.
Thanks for all your well gleaned words of wisdom.

Our digital age has predicated knowledge levels that are inceasing exponentially.Sadly our wisdom is not keeping up.
It is these little nuggets that help us catch up.

Thank you Ellen, and Best wishes of the Season to you and ‘yours’.

Colin

This does not need to be published, however, I am interested in your view of redshirting (holding a child to go to kindergarten). “Catherine’s” entry intrigued me, as redshirting is very prevalent in my town and many younger children (who deserve to be in the grade) are really being penalized by having other children in the room that are up to 18 months older. What are your thoughts on this? You’ve given such good advice in all areas, I’m very interested to know what you think.

I love this website. I am going on two weeks with it and I find myself looking forward to reading it. Its better than any magazine that I’ve ever subscribed to. Thank you all, its nice to know we are not alone.

So much is the child’s own personality and life experiences (much of which we have no control over) so I think sometimes we just have to accept that this child needs to struggle and test us and push us to the extreme.

I don’t allow profanity or major rudeness, but I try to ignore the petty rudeness with my daughter (”I hate you” “You’re so unfair” “You just don’t want me to have friends!”) or I would be constantly correcting her and leave no time for more positive interactions. I think, for her, a certain amount of rudeness is necessary to establish her individuality and to move toward being independent of us.

She suffers from a lower self-esteem than her brother, so lately I have been trying harder to reinforce her positive traits and to some extent I think this has helped lessen the rudeness.

Hang in there, Mary! I am hopeful “this too will pass” for us both!

I think opening up the lines of communication at vulnerable times can help with him feeling open to talk to you outside of those angry frustration filled moments. Such as bedtime, right when he comes home from school (depending on the child this may or may not work), when he’s asking you for help or advice your reaction may determine whether he feels like you’re open and understanding enough for him to open up in the heat of the moment. I don’t personally have a child that age yet (my oldest is only 6) but I remember being a very aggressive and angry kid, things that helped me were journaling (maybe too chick a thing for him to do), drawing, using my brothers punching bag, running around and other “active” and energy using activities. Alone time with each child might be hard to find being a single dad, but if you’re able to make it work, taking him out by himself and enjoying something he likes might soften him up. Or taking a walk, silence only feels comfortable for so long. In the end, it really took desire on my part for me to open up with my mom, and it was her reaction to what I had to say that determined whether I came back to speak with her again about things.

Can you provide some advice on disrespectful communication from a 9 year old boy towards his Mom and Dad? I know that I should not “react” to his comments of “I hate you”, “You are the worst parents” but it is becoming increasing difficult to handle. I struggle enormously with the “lack of respect” towards adults. Can you provide ways that I can show more respect to my child thus leading by example?

Thank you
Mary

For Shannon whose 5 yr old is headed to kindergarten, my free advice would be to seek options (if she’s young for her grade especially…), but in general, I promote kids being 6 to enter kindergarten (and then first grade) most successfully with regard to academics, athletics (being a more mature, well-developed physically person) and socially/ emotionally, not to mention just more able to handle the many stresses of hustling back and forth to school and after-school programs.

This could be another topic, but it’s a basic all parents could be encouraged to consider seriously…I’ve written lots on the topic, and perhaps could send to Ellen…Thanks.

One lady commented on not being “feely” I know a few women like this. This is a typical woman reaction to things but no all women do feel this way. (they really don’t want to feel comforted but rather they want the solution. Oddly enough, most of them are married to men who do feel this way!)

I advocate knowing your audience as best you can for best and most effective communication. If you know your mom isn’t looking for a comfort but rather an answer, you can offer her what she needs. Everyone needs something a little different from a relationship, conversation. THe more you know about the person, the more effective your communication will be.

JoJo

Only one critiquie: The font size and weight of the article was annoying. You can get more comfortable reading text on the screen with a simple arial or new times roman in 10 or 12 pt.

Love the website. Keep up the good work!!

I’d feel so bad afterward, like I’d “blown” the whole day. I felt every time it happened that I’d wasted all my “good” efforts the rest of the day.

The kids are now mid-teens. I wish I could be more patient with them, and certainly it is better when I manage to maintain those patient, reflective responses right through to bedtime, but I now accept that ANY amount of time I acknowledge their feelings instead of denying them is preferable to NO time. I try to feel good about the things I do right instead of beating myself up for the things I do wrong.

Just as we accept that our kids are not perfect and will make mistakes, so are we! We just have to keep trying to do the best we can.

If you are in the mood to make a dessert, do so; and let everyone have some, but I wouldn’t cater to a child who will skip his/her dinner and go for the treat afterwards. It isn’t healthy.

Unfortunately, I see parents do this all the time, and I think it contributes to the health problems in our country. Healthy food is always best.

LadyPoet

I didn’t see the ad either, what was it for?

So what DO you do with the ‘I’m hungry’ after dinner? I often get this one. Does it mean I’ve not fed her enough? Or is she really asking for sweets? Is the answer to this one, ask questions and find out what she really wants - its not food, its sweets, or cuddles or attention?

love
Caroline

I do have to say, that I did not see the add. And, that I ABSOLUTELY LOVED this article. This is one of the best articles yet!

LadyPoet33

I’d also like to respond briefly to Schneur, who stated that “women want sympathy.” I know this takes us to a different topic, but I don’t agree with Schneur. Sympathy basically says “poor you,” which is not all that helpful. Empathy, however, brings us compassion and often fosters
intimacy in our relationships. And when we’re receiving empathy and compassion, we often will seek solutions from others, since we’ve built a trusting relationship. Although women and men have their differences, I think men appreciate empathy and compassion, too, as well as
solutions! Whether it’s in our adult relationships or our relationships with our children (the little ones and the grown-up ones!), we want to remember that not everyone will remember what we said or did, but everyone will remember how we made them feel. And I guess this brings me back to the original topic - we need to remember that we are responsible for not reacting to our children or
others, for that matter….it is difficult living a life in a human body on this planet…we owe our children the benefit of our self-restraint and wisdom.

Sorry for the long-winded response. I love “Raising Small Souls” - it serves as a thought-provoking reminder to remember who we are and to encourage us to guide our children appropriately.

I recall now thinking that it wasn’t until about she was about 4 or 5 that I had any indication that she ever heard a thing I said. Hang in there!!!!

As Maries wrote, the example of the hungry child has nothing to do with the example of the painting. Whereas in the former there was a problem that could have either been solved/dealt with, or one can sympathize with it. While the mother doesn’t have to respond with “You just ate supper”, sympathizing with the hungry child is futile.

When a child brings home a nice (or even not so nice) painting from school, all you have to do is praise the painting, “Very nice painting”, with out all of the spin. Praise the deed, not the person.

Maybe I’m just not “feely.”

Sadly, I am finding this out now because when my children were small, I was invariably the person in the “reactive” examples.

loved this article.