{Order reprint rights for this article here - #1045}
There are so many powerful thoughts regarding raising small souls cruising through my mind today that I scarcely know where to begin! We just returned from a most unique vacation- a wilderness program for ‘at-risk’ teens in the San Francisco Bay area.
After my husband worked in the camp for the latter half of July, the staff flew both of us out West for the last weekend of the program.
The all-boys program consisted of twenty defiant young men and an additional twenty staff members.
Anger management, improving social skills, connection with family, and enhancing feeling of self-worth are some of the crucial topics that are covered during formal sessions as well as informal activities.
The twenty-foot truck that contained all the provisions necessary to support forty people in the wilderness was a lesson onto itself.
Personally, when we travel to New York to visit family members, it takes me hours to pack the luggage necessary for my family of five- and even more time to load the minivan in a semi-organized manner!
Thus, the sight of HUNDREDS of massive Rubbermaid bins, all neatly labeled, being loaded and unloaded onto the truck in assembly-line fashion by rowdy teens was, indeed, a sight to behold.
Each bin was clearly marked: Sleeping bags, Flashlights, Propane, Garbage bags, Tents, Air mattresses, Perishables (fresh ice was purchased for these bins each day!), Tools, Drug tests, Snacks, Tissues, Plates, Cutlery, Sunscreen…. Are just some of labels I can recall offhand!
It was difficult to avoid wondering when the last time these rugged young men had helped their mothers set the table for dinner, as I watched them lug the heavy food-related bins around the campfire, and how often they made their beds at home as they pitched tents, pumped mattresses, and unrolled sleeping bags in the forest.
What are some of the ideas used in the wilderness that we parents can implement in our daily lives in order to foster greater responsibility in our children?
Here are several thoughts that I gleaned at a campsite outside of San Francisco that can help you wherever you are:
Idea #1: Get involved!
Particularly at the beginning of a new project, or if this is the child’s first time participating in this task, do not ‘delegate and leave’.
It can be tempting to say, “clear the table” or “put away the laundry” and turn towards another task- (I’m very guilty of this one, since I feel that I’m ‘using my time wisely’… however in the long run, it’s truly ‘un-wise’!) Yet, in all likelihood, your child is not yet equipped to remember all the instructions you gave, know where all the items belong, and have the ability to focus for the duration of the task without getting distracted.
Be involved with the project you have assigned to your child. Help him by putting a few pieces of silverware into the dishwasher or placing the socks into the appropriate drawer.
You are being a mentor, actively demonstrating how the task should be accomplished. Additionally, your presence and participation will guide your child to follow through on the task until it is completed. (Have you ever had your son clear only the plates off the table and then disappear from the kitchen? Try to recall what YOU were doing at that time- when you are involved the ‘disappearing act’ seems to disappear!)
Idea #2: Offer an incentive!
“If we unload the truck in 60 minutes we’ll all get Slurpees!” the director of the program announced upon our arrival at a new campsite.
Yesterday, I did the same thing. A recent family trip to New York had left our minivan resembling a battlefield in a war zone. (A battle of chips, water-bottles, CD’s, and Mapquest printouts!) After handing each of my three children a grocery bag, I announced, “Whoever fills their bag garbage from the van within ten minutes will get a piece of birthday cake!”
In short order the Pontiac was sparkling, and the children were enjoying the remnants of the birthday cake from earlier in the week.
There was no cajoling, nagging, or whining. There was a simple announcement, with the anticipation of a desired reward, and the responsible participation in the chore was the virtually effortless result.
Idea #3: Reframe your perspective regarding housekeeping: Your goal is to raise responsible children; having a spotless home is not the main objective.
This can be a tough idea to integrate into our mindset!
Our primary job as adults is to teach our children to be productive, responsible, people.
Your child simply has no interest in hearing his mother yell, “I’m not the maid around here!!!” There is nothing for him to learn from that statement, and quite frankly, he really could not care less whether you or hired help are doing the housekeeping.
Yes, it’s nice when the house is neat as a pin.
Yet, it’s even nicer when your child can contribute to the household in a way that utilizes her talents and strengths.
Some children are good at fine-motor-tasks like polishing silver or folding laundry, others are better at organizing and consolidating, while still others may shine at gross-motor-tasks, such as vacuuming or raking leaves.
If your child enjoys decorating or a sense of control in the household, engage her in your housekeeping decisions, such as; “Honey, where do you think we should keep the garbage?” or, “Where would be a good place to hang up these hooks for your coats?”
Idea #4: Relax!
Nobody ever died of wrinkled laundry or dirty dishes!
As your children grow and leave the nest, you’ll have more time to clean and less people to make a mess… and you may even come to miss their dirty fingerprints on the glass door!
Here’s a lovely poem, author unknown, that is worth it’s weight in gold hanging on every refrigerator!
Excuse This House!
Some houses try to hide the fact that children shelter there.
Ours boasts of it quite openly, the signs are everywhere!
For smears are on the windows and little smudges are on the door.
I should apologize, I guess, for the toys strewn on the floor.
But I sat down with the children and we played and laughed and read;
and if the doorbell doesn’t shine, their eyes will shine instead.
For when at times I’m forced to choose the one job or the other . . .
I want to be a housewife - but first I’ll be a mother!
~~~~~
Do share your tips for teaching responsibility below!
Thanks to you all!