How To Engrave ‘Say-No-To-Drugs’ on Your Child’s Mind- Starting when They’re Young!
by Ellen C. Braun
Filed under Communication, Controversial Parenting Styles, Emotional Development
Let’s face it; drugs and alcohol have the ability to rob you of your children. Access to illegal substances is absurdly simple for teenagers. Clearly, young lives are being ruined by the thousands as a result of these harmful addictions.
Think of the time you have already put into raising your child. Think of the effort. The energy. And the money. What wouldn’t you do to protect your child from harmful influences!?
Teaching your kids about the dangers of teen alcoholism and drug addiction early on is invaluable, as it could shape their minds in a way where they will try to avoid these temptations when they become teenagers.
What if there was an effective means of combating the influence of social and peer pressures, and giving your child the tools to avoid detrimental habits and addictions?
Take a step back, and examine the reason why teenage addicts turned to substance abuse. In virtually every case, the child was running away from a problem; a family dilemma, social issue, or predicament in school.
The obvious question is this:
Every teenager faces some complications; why was this particular teen unable to cope with his problem; why did he feel compelled to run away from the predicament and escape to a world of addiction?
The answer, just as obviously, is that the child did not know how to deal with disappointment. In all probability, he is not at fault; rather the culture around him can be blamed.
The need to eliminate disappointment is a reflection of today’s social norms. Recall the commercials featuring a man suffering from severe heartburn after eating a slice of pizza. The next clip shows the same guy polishing off a double-cheeseburger, smiling calmly at the camera as he holds a bottle of white pills that eliminated the symptoms of heartburn. Have you ever wondered what kind of message that sends our children?
Simply stated, the moral of the commercial is this: You do not need to endure pain!
Similar advertisements for depression drugs or even pain-relieving pills abound. While I would never discourage you from swallowing some Excedrin to rid yourself of a headache, the reality is that we are living in an unprecedented age of ‘I-should-not-feel-any-pain’.
In fact, some medications are detrimental to reducing a fever, because the higher temperature of the body caused by the fever is actually the vehicle that kills the infection. Popping pills to reduce a fever can sometimes cause the illness to last longer in one’s body.
And so it is with the mind and soul.
Regular pill-popping to reduce heartburn can cause you to ignore the benefits of healthy eating in favor the immediate taste and sensation of pizza and fries.
Swallowing depression-alleviating-tablets can cause you to bypass the source of the sadness, and focus only on eliminating the unpleasant symptoms.
Banishing symptoms can definitely make you feel better. Yet, overlooking the cause of the symptoms virtually guarantees that newer and more dangerous symptoms will definitely arise.
It might be the heart attack due to the blocked arteries stuffed with hamburger remnants, which you were able to eat since your pill eliminated the heartburn. Or, it could be the breakup of a marriage due to nagging feelings of low-self-esteem that had been effectively swept under the carpet by depression medication.
The fuse will blow when overloaded by multiple appliances because it is not a good idea for the electricity to overheat and cause a fire. Some people react to a blown fuse by turning off some of their gadgets. Others prefer to ignore the hot fuse, slight aroma of smoke, and singed wires, and keep restarting the fuse until it will no longer operate.
Symptoms are warning bells being sounded. The ringing of the bells are not the problems; the cause of their chiming is the true issue.
Drug and alcohol usage is a piercing cry for help. The cause of the cry, not its decibel level, must be addressed. Just as you would not tinker with the fire-house’s bell to battle a raging fire, do not make the mistake of exclusively addressing the addiction when dealing with a teenager in distress.
The child who is addicted to harmful substances has not learned to deal with disappointment. Life’s sorrows have overwhelmed her ability to handle distress; therefore she turned to the bottle.
Disappointments come in all shapes and sizes. They begin at birth, when an infant leaves the comfort of the womb with a heart-wrenching cry. Lead an optimistic, cheerful family, yet teach your child to expect and realize that life is far from perfect. Allow him to mourn the stolen bicycle or broken toy without rushing out to immediately purchase a replacement to assuage his tears.
When a young child is given the time to mourn, and the gentle touch of comfort to help her through the loss of her favorite doll carriage, she learns a valuable life lesson; how to deal with sadness. She will develop the category in her brain that will serve as a reference to mourn, express sadness, accept the disappointment, and then move onward. She will access this essential skill when she is teased about her braces, dumped by her boyfriend, dismissed from the softball team, and rejected by the college of her choice.
The ability to mourn, accept heartache, and resolutely move ahead is what sets apart the teenagers who thrive from the ones who are slaves to addictions. The children who were taught to deal with the unfortunate events that are part of the package we call ‘life’ will definitely encounter bumps as they grow up. However, they have the strength of character and emotional wherewithal to dust themselves off, and get back on their feet. The other children, who were spoiled by always having Mom or Dad wipe their tears away, handed sweets or expensive toys to wash away the memory of a disappointing event, will be headed for trouble in their teen years. When the cookie or new plaything is no longer able to wash away their sadness, they will be on the lookout for something bigger to allay their distress. And it will be all too easy for them to find it.
So, when your three-year-old cries over the broken red crayon, hold him and say, “I know, sweetie, you really liked that crayon, and now it’s broken. Sometimes disappointing things just happen.” Resist the urge to say, “Oh, Sweetie, don’t worry, Mommy is going to buy you a new crayon right away!” Perhaps you will buy him another crayon; whether you do so or not is totally irrelevant. The important, essential point is that he learned that sad things happen, and they need to be accepted.
It’s a fact In the course of a happy childhood, the ability to deal with sadness when the child is young, will prevent the scathing pain of addiction when the child has grown older.
When we raise our children we are not looking for the quick-fix pill, rather, for the healing touch that endures forever.
Is your teen afflicted with drug addiction? Find answers before it’s too late.
No related posts.
I think this is a great article. I have two boys ( 4 & 6 yrs.). In addition, I am a former elementary ed teacher ( 12 yrs.). After reading the article, A couple of additional points came to mind. The first issue is EXPERIMENTATION … My kids love to experiment. Here’s where I think discussion is very improtant. The second issue is PEER PRESSURE. I noticed one parent had mentioned that her son had said, “NO”. That is awesome. But that is tough for many kids. OUr children need to be completely self confident & strong.
THIS IS A SIMPLY AWESOME ARTICLE – PARENTS WITH KIDS OF ALL AGES WILL BENEFIT – ITS NEVER TOO LATE….GOD BLESS YOU
What a great article. I, like many, have a lot of thoughts rolling around as a result of reading the article and comments posted. I am one of six children. I am also a mother of 2 children. My son is 14 and my daughter will be 11 in a couple weeks.
Someone dear to me has challenges with addiction. He has now been clean and sober for over 10 years. This was achieved by living a 12 Step AA program. Doctors suggested the problem was depression or post traumatic stress as a result of his childhood experiences and drugs were suggested. I can’t tell you how thankful I am that that route was not the one we choose. It was difficult. There were many times he “fell off” the “wagon”. I am thankful I got into a support group called Alanon. It was an incredible help to me and I still attend faithfully. Both 12 step programs (AA and Alanon) are living programs that teach us how to deal with what is put in front of us. I can’t tell you how many people I have seen come into program only to have it suggested by a doctor that they go on methadone to get off drugs who never make it off the methadone. I think this is a terrible thing and the more people who know about it, the better.
My husband and I speak with our kids about the dangers of drugs and alchohol and they seem to have a good understanding. Time will tell but they seem very much on the right path and for that I am very grateful. We also tell them that chances are they will be offered and we discuss how to say no. They are very aware that addiction, like cancer and diabetes, run in our family and they need to be careful. They are informed, intelligent and I believe they are resillient kids with good heads on their shoulders.
I live in Canada and VIP is a program run in schools by police for kids in Gr 7 (Values, Influences, Peers) to educate them about drugs, alcohol etc. I think this is very proactive.
Now, I mentioned earlier that I am also one of six children. I share this because recently my sister passed away. She was a brilliant, highly successful woman who struggled with mental illness. Medication after medication was tried but ultimately, nothing worked. I know others who have struggled with emntal illness and been successful with medications. I want you to notice I use the words DRUGS and MEDICATION in different contexts here. I think there are times when we need medication but I do not think it should be the quick fix it is so often used as today. I know far too many people who use drugs to avoid dealing with reality. I do not advocate this but there are laso people who are unwell and need medication. The difficulty lies in knowing the difference.
I think what is important, is that we talk to our kids honestly and openly, that we comfort them with love and not “stuff” when they experience loss, that they know there are times for medications but use your head, that drugs are dangerous, that mood altering drugs are VERY dangerous and that they know they can talk to us any time about anything because we are their guides in much of life. I think they also need to know we are not perfect and have made lots of mistakes but we turned out great anyways. So again, they can talk to us. They don’t need to experience all the negative things in life, we have done some of that for them and they can learn from our experiences if we have established a relationship of mutual respect and trust.
Yes, (commenting on a previous posting),coffee is a drug and so is alcohol. I see the difference in that alcohol is mood altering in a significant way and a socially acceptable way of dealing with emotions or making people feel good. Too often, society shows it is socially acceptable to have a drink to settle down or after a hard day at work or after a difficult situation. I wonder how this effects our children. What message does that send? Food for thought…..
I agree completely that we need to teach children to deal with their feelings. I have made sure that my son knows how to deal with stress as well (for him it is deep breathing, or a long shower).
However having suffered from clinical depression for over thirty years I feel I need to address one thing. Without medication I am not able to benefit from counseling treatment. If the brain is shut down in one area, it is not possible to progress in other areas (such as counseling). Yes, we all need to address our weaknesses, to learn to cope in the healthiest way possible. For those who are clinically depressed, proper treatment and medication is often necessary before we can begin the arduous journey of self-discovery and growth.
Finally!!!!! I am so happy that you put this article out there for all to read. I have been fighting this up hill battle with friends and family ever since my 6 year old was born. Kids need to learn how to deal with what comes their way be it good or bad, at age 3 or 33. Kids need to learn how to “feel and deal”. Of course parents won’t be able to teach their kids how to deal with feelings unless they teach them by example. Thanks for the support.
I’m sorry, but while I agree with the fact that we are raising children in a “quick-fix” society in favor of immediate gratification, I do not see the connection between taking an antacid for heartburn and becoming a drug addict. You are way off on this one.
The way to protect our children from illicit drugs, that will hurt them, is to talk to them openly and honestly about them. Help them to research the consequences of addiction, make your home safe for them to talk openly and freely about their disappointments and their stresses. Not by never taking OTC medications. Come on!
I am an Alcohol & Drug educator and mother of two girls, 16 & 10. In discussions with our Counselors who work with addicted people on a daily basis…I discovered that the common denominator in most of these cases is “Lack of Self Worth”. That has become the focus of my curriculum with the kids, but I have been a little puzzled about how I could actually GIVE people self worth??? This article on letting kids have and FEEL their dissappointments and live through them and know that they can handle them really puts that last piece of the puzzle together. I realize that this will not be the absolute end of addiction….but it gives me valuable information that I can use with the kids to make them realize that they are all capable of handling what life hands them. (With emotional support, of course!)
Thanks to everyone for their comments and input.
While your article may apply to most teens, there is a large population that you omitted. I teach middle school in a school located in the most socially/economically depressed area of our city and have found that many of the children turning to drugs come from families where drug abuse is a part of daily life. There are also the children suffering from mental illness who use drugs in an attempt to self medicate and feel a sense of normalcy. I myself have bipolar disorder, ADHD, and anxiety issues. I have been the route of self medication with drugs and alcohol. Proper diagnosis by a psychiatrist, major life changes, and daily medication have allowed me to continue to lead a productive life. A life in which I advocate for children of poverty and the mentally ill.
What an interesting perspective! Many of the underlying principles that you have touched on in this article, I had never thought of before, and this has certainly given me pause to think of solutions before my daughter reaches an age where it is a possibility.
I do feel, however, that it is incorrect to say that everyone who has an addiction has not learned to deal with disappointment. My intent is not to offend anyone, but I have a couple of points I’d like to make. Apologies in advance, if my opinions do offend.
Particularly with regard to the statement, “Swallowing depression-alleviating-tablets can cause you to bypass the source of the sadness, and focus only on eliminating the unpleasant symptoms,” this is often not the case. Rather than some external issue *causing* sadness, it is more commonly an inability to prioritize, isolate, and effectively solve one’s problems. This, in turn, leads to feelings of inadequacy, feeling overwhelmed, and even total shut-down.
As an adult who suffers from depression, I can tell you that I have a very fortunate, and wonderful life. What I need medication for is not to suppress sadness, but to help me work through it when it arises instead of being overwhelmed and unable to do so.
With kids who become addicted (to anything), it can also be said that what the child’s peers are doing can greatly influence their choices. If the “cool kids” are doing it, or even just one of their close friends, aren’t they less likely to view it in a harmful light because their “friend seems ok, right?” While it is possible that “the friend” began their addiction because of one particular influence or need, a blanket statement that addicts never learned to cope with disappointment is a bit off target.
Just some food for thought. I still thoroughly enjoyed the article!
Mind altering drugs are an accepted and welcomed part of life, even with our teenagers. People should understand that coffee is drugs. Alcohol is drugs.
And cigarettes are worst of all.
Very good points, Kristin….Thank You. And, Steve…you are absolutely right. It has really made me think about the “acceptable” drugs that we adults turn to everyday, yet expect the kids not to “medicate” with their drugs of choice.
I am a former teacher, mother of three, from a family of seven children and of strong moral, Christian beliefs. I learned the value of ‘allowing’ disappointments to happen and to use them as teaching tools long ago. If everything came easy in life, nothing would feel good anymore. Sometimes suffering a bit or working hard to achieve a goal is the answer to raising self-esteem and self-worth.
Recently, my sister of 42 years passed away from a terrible Cancer of the outer stomach. She was the middle child of seven, never asked for much attention and didn’t feel very positive about herself. It was actually her cancer (2 years, 3 months) that was the cause of her learning how to love herself. We had a benefit for her to help with the costs of treatment. It was packed with people who loved her dearly and they just kept pouring in by the dozens. She never knew how much she was loved and needed in this world. She began to understand (through having this illness) that she was a beautiful, lovable, wonderful servant of the Lord that had actually been elevated to the level of an ‘Angel among us’.
Her funeral had over 700 people at it and had to go two hours past the designated ending time. It’s too bad that we couldn’t have ‘raised her up’ before the cancer did. When accomplished, Raising someone’s self-esteem is the greatest thing you could ever do for anyone!!
The parents and other adults in this world have a huge responsibility to make each and every child feel loved and important. They (the children) are our future and it is our job!!!
Excellent & thought-provoking article. I am a mom of 4 young children, and I will definitely be taking many of these insights and applying them in my parenting. I have not been the best example of coping with stress to my children – I have been under a lot of pressure and tend to snap and get frustrated at them. I have been dismayed to see that my older 2 are doing the same thing when they are under stress! I know it’s never too late to do better, but I wish I could go back and do so many things over. I love my kids so much and more than anything I want them to be able to handle life’s disappointments and stresses with calm, grace, and poise. But in order for them to be that way, I have to not only teach them, but be an example of that. My actions are going to speak so much louder than my words.
Thanks for this great article Ellen –
Many blessings,
Rebecca
Great article! Far too many parents candy-coat the realities of life for their children. I am a mother of three(12, 10, and 2), and make it a regular practice to discuss our porblems, the problems of others, that life is not easy, and how vital it is that we are able to discuss anything with eachother. It is so important to teach them that life is not always easy, and that dealing with sadness and loss is just as important as learning 2+2.
I worry about the chidren in our societies that are just “floating” out there, with no social learning from their partents, due to neglect, or living in group homes, foster homes, etc. These poor souls didn’t ask to be here, they deserve a good life and to be directed along the right path as all of our children do….and if you see statistics, they are our greatest number of addicts…who helps them?
You remember the saying, “it takes a village to raise a child” … wouldn’t it be a tremendous thing to see our societies healthy families embracing these children in some way in their own lives? It is such a good way to teach our children to focus on other’s issues, for substance abuse is a very selfish disease.
What better way to teach a child about hard times than by setting an example for them about actively dealing with it, and helping a fellow human being in the process.
I am a pediatric health care provider and agree with all of the responses that point out that depression is a real disease involving brain chemistry imbalances, and that individuals (children and adults) afflicted with this disease benefit tremendously from medications to correct that imbalance, which them helps them to better deal with the sadness and core issues which counselling can also help address. Suicide is much more common among children and teens (and adults) with untreated depression. Realizing that you/your child have/has a mental health problem of this type (or other mental health issues) and seeking help is a sign of strength and good mental health, NOT a weakness as this article suggests.
In fact research shows that those who are NOT treated for theIr depression, ADHD, etc. have a much HIGHER liklihood of abusing drugs and alcohol. This is especially true of ADHD and depression. So promoting good mental health for your children and dealing with any mental health problems early on can help PREVENT drug abuse. I would advocate for being informed of the medical science and existing research before making incorrect statements.
Also, though I have used chiropractic care in the past for back pain and totally respect the field, I wholeheartedly disagree with the opinion expressed earlier that immunizations should not be given to our children. We are all safer due to being immunized and “herd immunity” in that when most everyone is immunized against contagious diseases, it protects even those who are not immunized or underimmunized. In my opinion it is a selfish decision to not immunize your children because it puts not only your child at risk, but the general public. I have seen an infant die of whooping cough, which is an immunizable disease, and I have seen the debilitating effects of polio and diptheria in developing countries, as well as adults with hepatitis dying an earlier death due to resulting liver failure. Not immunizing our kids is not going to prevent them from abusing drugs in their teen years! And some OTC medications can be beneficial when used sparingly and prudently in some situations. I agree with not pill popping at any small symptom, and often drug free is the way to go, but in some cases they can be appropriate (especially with debilitating allergies).
The biggest way to PREVENT our children from using drugs is to tell them early (middle school or younger) that it is wrong, that we expect them not to use these substances, what it can do to their bodies and minds, unintended consequences of using drugs and alcohol (e.g. pregnancy and disease), and role play with them what they would/will say if a friend or stranger ever invites them to try alcohol or drugs. This should be done much younger than you would expect. Before or during middle school — don’t wait until high school. Many kids with substance abuse problems begin using in middle school, so talk to them before that (and ongoing) if possible. Revisit this frequently. Also be involved and have positive “time in” with your children — talk to them about how they are doing, feeling, etc. Show an interest in their activities. Get to know their friends and friends parents and steer them away from friends or influences that you do not feel are healthy. Studies show that kids knowledge of parental disapproval of drugs and alcohol, and when parents have actually talked to their kids about this, are the biggest predictors of kids NOT doing drugs to begin with.
I found the article thought provoking as were many of the comments. I feel though, that it only touched on a very small componant of what drives addictions. While it is true that children that are overcompensated and “protected” from all of life’s disappointments have potential for addictive seeking behaviours (as well as other issues), so do children that have not “had”. Addiction is routed in escape. A need to escape from feelings of inadequacy, suffering from a sense of loss, to hide from family dysfunction or turmoil, to self-medicate when physiologic cause can be underlying (bi-polar, etc), peer pressure, and a myriad of other factors. The truth is that good and “bad” kids use drugs and alcohol whether from good or “bad” family situations. The media and advertising agencies do promote quick fix remedies to pain or problems, and society as a whole is influenced by popular demand or calculated sell to these. Addiction issues existed before and they will exist long into years ahead. Parental involvement and realistic expectations are key to keeping our children safe as is open communication and trust.
I use the term “bad” only in societal context as I personally do not beleive any child is “bad” insomuch as a result of disadvantaged by poor parenting and circumstance. This has nothing to do with socioeconomic status, race, gender or ethnicity as addictions cross all lines.
thank you very much for the article.Its useful while parenting adoloscents in this modern age.
I think you hit on an important point here about not keeping children in a bubble where they never experience disappointment or hurt. However, like some of the others who have commented, I really have to take issue with your characterization of anti-depressants.
Yes, there is benefit to addressing underlying problems and sadness via counseling. That doesn’t change the fact that depression — chronic depression — is an illness, an irregularity in brain chemistry. Anti-depressants are meant to help people overcome that irregularity.
There is a common misconception that you can take an anti-depressant medication and instantly feel peppy and happy. The medications on the market generally don’t work that way. They usually take several weeks to kick in, and when they do, they tend to smooth things out so that your thoughts are on a more even keel and not prone to plunging into the depths.
I agree with the proposition that children need to learn coping skills and resilience. I don’t agree with the proposition that anti-depressants do nothing more than mask underlying problems. Yes, these medications are sometimes prescribed inappropriately, and I think people ought to do research and be their own advocates so that their medical issues are addressed in the right way. But for people suffering from chronic depression, the right medication can be a life-saver.
This article deals effectivly with ONE aspect of drug/alcohol use, yet it doesn’t mention the others. Perhaps the more complex issue is the boredom/excitement draw toward substances. Like the draw to a roller coaster: you know people have died on them, but look at all the smiling people! And do you want to sit there bored, holding everyone’s purses, or join them in the adventure? How do we combat THAT?
I felt this was a good article.
Perhaps the boredom/excitement draw stems from fillings of unfullfillment. I think if we can raise our children to think for themselves as well as cope with common disappointments there won’t be as much need to try harmful drugs. Perhaps the boredom/excitement draw also comes from those feelings of “not good enough”. Low self-esteem is the start of many problems in most people.
I personally don’t like Roller Coasters because they cause me to feel disoriented and sick to my stomach—-I discovered that by riding on them.
We need to build a strong bond with our Children by letting them know we always have time for them–no matter what we are doing we need to listen to them and BE interested. It is so easy to get caught up in everyday life, and tell our children “not right now-mommy’s busy”. I cringe at the thought of how often I have done this. WE need to give our kids the knowledge that we care and are never to busy to hear them.
If they get the message now that we as parents are always approachable and interested in what is going on in their lives, they may feel confidence in coming to us with those bigger size problems.
Dinner time around our house is important to my husband and myself. We try to honor it as a time to really talk to our kids. It seems to be the best time to talk about our days–the best and the worst aspects, and work through those tough issues as a family. I also cherish bedtime for taking time to talk to my kids. I take about 10 minutes ALMOST every night to talk to my kids (particularly my 7 year old) about the tough parts of his day. We talk about Jesus and the power of prayer, for guidance and strength. We talk about how it is important to have great friends, but to know in your heart when something doesn’t feel right, and to walk away from those things. We talk about having pride in yourself for a personal job well done-and also pride and happiness for a friend who has a particular strength that you may not have. We talk about feeling happiness for that friend, and letting them know that you are happy for them and proud of them. If a friend is pressuring or pushing you into something that doesn’t feel right—you have the choice to walk away—maybe they are not a friend after all—true friends are out there! We need to be a true friend ourselves to find them.
We are all just doing our best. I appreciate all of the thought provocing comments on this page. It’s really great to hear so many points of view and learn through reading them.
You make some valid points. I believe teaching coping skills are vital. But I don’t believe that is the reason why every child resorts to drugs. Some children are self-medicating with illegal drugs because they have a condition that could be alleviated with prescriptive drugs.
ellen,
While I agree that children need to learn how to handle disppointment, I do not agree with your connection to drinking and drug abuse. As a parent of a 15 year old, we have had many discussions about the prevelance of drinking among her peers, and the dangers. As soon as she started high school, there were unsupervised parties. We had many discussions, arguments and tears over the past year about why she could not go to these parties. The majority of the kids who go are not trying to escape any problems, or self-medicate. They are trying to appear grown-up, want to experiment, succumb to peer pressure, or are just plain curious. As far as addiction, that’s a separate issue. There is a biological connection as to why some people become addicts.
As far as your comparison to overmedicating, i disagree. Taking an anti-depressant because you are sad is very different than treating clinical depression. People who are clinically depressed are not necessarily avoiding issues. They may be depressed no matter what their circumstance.People with reflux often need medications even if they are eating healthy (citrus, tomato sauce, dairy, etc). I’m afraid your comments will cause some people to judge those who require anti-depressants, reflux meds, etc. Even worse, it is not always a parent’s fault if a child becomes an addict. It is parents’responsibility to not allow their underage children to drink or use drugs. But some children will break the rules. Some parents do their best, but their child may decide to drink anyway. An open dialogue is the best defense, but it may not always work. Mary
I want to say thank you for sending me this it’s such a great tool. I don’t know of how guilty I am for being the parent that immediately tries to make things better for him….but I do know that I tend to immediately demand him to stop crying and that is why I am thankful for this…I dind’t realize it until today.
I love this article. It clearly explains a vital concept of parenting that many of us struggle with. In our desire to protect our children, we sometimes fail to teach them how to cope with the realities of life. We love them so much,we don’t want them to suffer at all. Yet, if we allow them to experience dissapointment,teach them as you say that disappointing things happen, and help them handle it, we are giving our children life skills.
Thanks so much.
Wow! This article sure has generated a lot of discussion!
I read the article and thought it provided great insight. I have three children, 18, 17 and 10. I cannot always say that I didn’t replace treasured things that were lost or broken for them, I guess I too, couldn’t stand their unhappiness. It broke my heart to see them upset, even though it IS a part of life, yet I think the natural inclination of a parent is to want to make it all better.
Anyhow, as far as I know, my two older children have not experimented with any illegal substances and I am so grateful for that. Their father is a recovering alcoholic, in the program of AA for 12 years and while the older two were very young when he was at his worst with his drinking, living with addiction has never been a secret in our house. My husband still attends 3 meetings a week. I too, attended Al-Anon meetings which I believe saved our lives (and the only reason I do not attend now is that the closest meeting is an hour away from where we now live). I took my older children to Al-Anon meetings with me (most provided babysitting at no cost) and unfortunately, my kids experienced great disappointment not from broken crayons, but from broken promises their father made while using. Al-Anon gave me the tools to cope with the disappointments, which enabled me to pass those tools onto my children. It was a very hard time in our lives. We have always been honest with our children that in our family, alcoholism and drugs are a serious game of Russian roulette and we have suggested that they never try either. All it takes is one time and they could be hooked. We have suggested they use addiction as the reason they say No to their friends when asked to participate. We have role played with them and tell them to say flat out, “Addiction runs in my family. I would rather not.” I had an aunt die from cirrhosis of the liver at 49 leaving behind five very damaged souls in her children and I tell them how she suffered terribly in her life AND her death. Her internal prison was her utter lack of self-worth, as the previous poster mentioned that she sees in her patients as a drug/alcohol counselor. She wanted happiness so badly, but couldn’t cope with many, many things. It was sad bordering on pathetic how it all ended up for her. However, it wasn’t much different for my husband and only by the grace of God and AA has he been able to live a sober life with us for the past 12 years.
I am not arrogant enough to say I know why my children have not experimented. They certainly have been faced with it as high school students. I am so proud of them for saying “no.” And I do praise them when they share this information with me, which is not often anymore as the nature of teens is to begin their own journey to independence from their parents. I always tell my kids “because everyone is doing something is NEVER the right reason for making a decision!” I then hold my breath and pray for them, because ultimately you just never know. That is what is the scariest thing about being a parent. For me, anyhow.
You do your very best and at some point you realize that it is up to God to do the rest. Prayers to all of you…you can tell you all care about your children so very much.
Dear Ellen
You know I knew this in theory but my love for my children made me weak. We are just coming out of addiction to ampetamines with my eldest son. It has taken love and grace and immense strength on all our parts. Looking back, I did not show my son how to deal with disappointment and how to manage grief. The recovery has been much harder, the pain of grieving the loss of all the dreams I held for that child and accepting him just as he is, has been so much harder than standing firm and allowing him to feel his pain from a young age. Small hurts early are so much easier to live with than the pain of watching a child fall prey to addictions. Protection and soothing was done out of love but I see how much better it would have been to learn how to live with the pain. My biggest problem was managing my own empathy. I felt so deeply for him it made it harder for me to sit with him through his fears and pain. I wish I could do it over but I encourage anyone reading this to really embrace Ellen’s wisdom and to walk with your children without protecting them from learning this life lesson.
This article provides a very useful tool for managing one of the issues that can lead to experimentation with substances, and potentially substance abuse. I’m glad to see posts bringing out some of the other factors that contribute to experimentation and addiction. One point that I would like to add is the importance of helping our children learn how to seek out fulfilling and life affirming experiences. My daughter is only 10 years old, so our true challenges lie ahead of us, but I think even more important than teaching her to accept disappointments and delayed gratification (she gets these lessons on a regular basis) is teaching her to seek out and find gratification in healthy ways. When she is a teenager and miserable, and sees happy “high” peers, I have to hope that she knows she can go home and read or write or draw or call a friend or work in the garden or help someone and feel good without any negative consequences.
I also need to add my voice to the chorus of proponents for appropriate medication for mental illness. Clinical depression and bi-polar disorders have little to do with sadness. They have little to do with circumstances or external events. What they are about is a debilitating chemical imbalance in the brain which leads to despair so crushing, persistent and overwhelming at times that suicide seems like the only option. While antidepressants may be dangerous for some adolescents, ignoring depression and bi-polar disorder can be even more deadly. Just read the stories on any suicide survivors’ websites.
I am thrilled to read this article! It is so very important that we tend to our children’s tender souls now. We need to encourage them to grow in their weaknesses and be satisfied with the simple things that life has and does offer. They are far too stimulated and need MORE and MORE in order to enjoy themselves. If we teach them to be pleased with reading a book or engaging in family games that are clean and fun, they won’t go elsewhere for enjoyment.
Our society teaches these children to “do what tastes right” and follow your wants. What kind of message is this? I would LOVE to eat, drink and do whatever I want, however I will and do suffer the consequences for this. I am an adult and know some of the effects for this behavior. Our children are not developed in that aspect and cannot make proper decisions, this is why it is so important to teach them to stop and listen to that still small voice which will likely steer them the right way!
Hi! My son, who turned 15 in October, has been drinking occassionally since the summer (then he was only 14)… I am very worried about this… Alcoholism runs in the families… I have 2 older sons; one who drinks and parties and the other who doesn’t touch liquor and is a very good hockey player and does very well in school. My 15 year old, I believe, lacks confidence and feels 2nd best to the boy who excells and doesn’t drink… Any advice that for me to help my 15 year old who is already involved with alcohol… His friends all drink also so it is a difficult situation…
Thank you for any advice that you could give me.
Francine,
I was wondering if you know he is drinking “why let him go out with those friends?” I want to encourage you to step up and make the difference in your childs life. I have a 15 year old and he wouldn’t want to touch the stuff. He knows what I expect out of him. Even though He’s not doing alot of bad things, I make a point to say behave, no smoking, sex, drugs, etc. If anything those words will ring in his ear. But you don’t have to let him go drink with his friends. Help him find new outlets, join a gym, any sports, clubs there are so many things out there that could fill his time…Push through with him, he wants your attention even if he tries to push you away. Some kids want to know how much you love them by pushing away. There must be something that is painful for him to deal with? Relationships are hard to deal with sometimes. Falling into traps of drugs and alcohol is just ways of filling the void that can’t be dealt with???
Looks like you are not alone in the teen struggle with drugs and alcohol. It’s very difficult to monitor all the friends that they hang out with – at least I find it difficult and most of their “friends” are all experimenting these days. Very few kids aren’t. I have two kids one 17 and my daughter just turning 15. My son doesn’t want to drink or do drugs but his sister is experimenting constantly. She’s gonna do what she wants to do regardless of what I say. I can’t keep her locked in her room 24/7. I know experimented too when I was a kid but my parents had no idea because I did what I was supposed to do and never gave them any reason to question me. I guess I was just more clever than my daughter because I didn’t get caught. Summer time is difficult because of less obligations and more free time on their hands. I plan on laying down the law when school starts again and if she wants to continue to have freedoms she needs to bring her grades up and not get in trouble at school. Any other ideas or have there been other options that have worked for other parents?
WOW! This is really great stuff. I have a 9 year old and we just had a discussion earlier this evening about alchohol. She asked what I ever drank or smoked and I told her yes but I quit smoking 30 years ago and thought alchohol tasted like motor oil or like you went out and licked the street outside. We laughed about it but it was the first time we really talked about it with any depth.
Her dad and I divorced last year and things have been rough on her. I’m not a parent who believes in protecting children from everything, I let her see life as it is but it breaks my heart when I see her struggling. She has learning issues so school can be hard for her, but there again I keep on pushing her to do her best. I am scared to death about the teenage years ahead, I keep praying for God to help me and keep his veil of protection around her. I hope I’m doing the right thing in being a confidence builder for her. Her father is not that way, he did a real number on my head and now seems determined to do it to her. Thanks for some of this advice. Every little bit helps.
Tracee
This is a very informative article. I’m a mother of 5 and a grandmother of 10. I realized when I read your article that I had followed this life lesson plan even though I didn’t associate it with the problem of drug addictions in teens. The reason I attempted to teach my children the acceptance of flaws and failure is because I knew from watching people that the happiest people were those who accepted who they were and liked themselves anyway. Not to say we shouldn’t all continue to grow and learn new ways to be better human’s. This article speaks to that in that the article itself offers a learned way of addressing a human condition. It is obvious that love and personal interaction boosts a child self esteem. It’s not about things– but about the interaction and communication a child shares with his or her family. Every child has a gift but that gift may be more or less than another person’s gift. Accepting that can be hard if parents brag about a child until he or she can’t bear not to excell over everyone else. It is the reason children cut themselves and take drugs. I have seen it over and over through my life–good parents who are educated and well off and they raise teens who drink, smoke and take drugs. The teens are many times high achievers and their parents give them everything they ask for. Recently I spoke with a Mom who’s teen wrecked the car for the third time. And each time the teen got a newer and fancier car. The teen had some blame in each of the accidents. I think at that point there should have been two concerns—one concern of safty for his driving decisions and one of concern for his needing to learn about real life disappointment. He may not live to learn the second and it seems to me he is being set up for something life threatening on two fronts, one in a car and one in managing the disappointments in his life.Thanks for the article.
Hi, I am
Rex from India, a father of a 10-month old. I work with Young people, peer pressure and substance abuse. your articel was very thought provoking. Although I wouldnt buy the argument that good mature handling of problems and pain alone can eliminate addiction, I like it as a line of thought. Your article talks nothing about peer pressure, one of the major reasons for substance abuse. On the whole I would like to think as you suggest and propogate the idea. Much more use it with my kid, when he comes to it.
Thanks
rex
India
What a tender concept and yet, as so many noted, an overly simplified answer to a complex problem. I am over half a century old with a 21 yo,16, 14 and 12 yo. I have worked in health care, homeschooled and public school. I agree with some of the many comments regarding the very real medical conditions which would prevent healthy functioning life without some form of medication. Truly said, not all pills are a pain avoidance tactic. Addiction and chemical reactions can take many forms, a “Runners High” can be equally unhealthy, addictive and ultimately deadly. reply to maha. #32 I would not simply pick your battles with the choice between beer and computer addiction. Computer gaming, like porn has a very real chemical effect on the brain and has been compared to the addiction synapses formed by cocaine. The impact on broken relationships can be as devastating as any other drug. Good parenting is no longer the simple love and encouragement of the right word at the right time and a well placed hug. Pray constantly. Listen alot and talk when they’ll listen. Laugh, educate and etc.etc. But there are no pat answers, each child chooses based on so many different factors, its not always a feel good factor, nor opportunity, nor peer pressure, nor genetics. Any and all, now or later addictions are part of our society. We never stop being parented, for better or worse. There are many grown adults who are still blaming their addictions on the parenting they received or failed to receive. Parents can only give from what they have, for some that is more and good, for some that is less and not so good. Wisdom comes from God, sometimes we get a glimpse of it. Sometimes we get to participate in it. Those moments are doubly blessed.
Boy I wish I had this website when my boys were younger. I have 19 and 17 yr. old boys and a 10 yr. old daughter. Both boys have used more drugs than I am sure I am even able to comprehend with my oldest overdosing at 17 on cough and cold medicine, (he was lucky, was in a coma, spent a week in the hospital and is okay). My oldest is now off drugs due to a great job but my 17 yr old is still doing what he says is just pot. I worry so much because he is convinced smoking only pot is totally non-harmful and that he just loves it and doesn’t have any intention of stopping. I can only hope as he matures he too will find a good job or something that encougages him to stop. My biggest concern right now besides my daughter seeing all that the brothers she adores so completely have gone through is that my 17 yr. old wants more than anything to be an actor, which my husband and I support completely, but he recently confided in me that he can’t wait to be famous and do all the “partying” that the famous people do. I too have complete faith in God, however it is still extremely hard to let go.
Thanks for the advice, I’m always happy for any I can get. With my daughter being so much younger than her brothers I do find that we all make things very easy for her and maybe don’t let her deal with disappointment on her on. Time for us all to change.
Lee