Comments on: How To Engrave ‘Say-No-To-Drugs’ on Your Child’s Mind- Starting when They’re Young!

By: Nancy

Nancy — Thu, 23 Jul 2009 00:03:35 +0000

Looks like you are not alone in the teen struggle with drugs and alcohol. It’s very difficult to monitor all the friends that they hang out with – at least I find it difficult and most of their “friends” are all experimenting these days. Very few kids aren’t. I have two kids one 17 and my daughter just turning 15. My son doesn’t want to drink or do drugs but his sister is experimenting constantly. She’s gonna do what she wants to do regardless of what I say. I can’t keep her locked in her room 24/7. I know experimented too when I was a kid but my parents had no idea because I did what I was supposed to do and never gave them any reason to question me. I guess I was just more clever than my daughter because I didn’t get caught. Summer time is difficult because of less obligations and more free time on their hands. I plan on laying down the law when school starts again and if she wants to continue to have freedoms she needs to bring her grades up and not get in trouble at school. Any other ideas or have there been other options that have worked for other parents?

By: nike air foces yellow

nike air foces yellow — Tue, 07 Oct 2008 01:22:11 +0000

good articles.

By: AV

AV — Mon, 04 Aug 2008 11:41:22 +0000

Very nice article! Thanks for this!

By: Cass Collins

Cass Collins — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 15:38:30 +0000

It seems that some of the drug education programs, since they describe how drugs can make you feel, just make the young more curious about them. This can be prepared for ahead of time by talking about drugs at home when kids are young-they will hear refrences to drug use from all kinds of sources and that gives you an opportunity to ask what they think when they hear about such things. I also think that it is good, if there is a family member (or friend) involved in drugs, to point out the problems in their life that have come about as a result of drug use. Not to make that person seem bad in the child’s eyes, but it gives them a real life example of how a person can make choices that affect them and everyone around them for a long time. It makes for a good comparison-”Joe worked hard in school and made the right choices about drugs and alcohol, and now he is going off to a very fine college, but his brother Jim made the choice to try illegal drugs and now he is having so many problems in his life because of drugs that college is not even a possibility for him, and the problems he has will take a long time; probably years and years to start to fix.”

By: Mary Lee

Mary Lee — Tue, 20 May 2008 00:28:58 +0000

Try this link for the feingold info. I pulled if off of one of the homeschooling groups that I belong to. Peace, Mary Lee

http://www.adhddrugatrocity.com/alternatives.htm

By: Debbie

Debbie — Sun, 13 Apr 2008 22:30:15 +0000

Thanks for the insightful article!

This article reminds me of a book, “Blessing of a Skinned Knee” by Wendy Mogul. Really great book!!

By: mrs. berger

mrs. berger — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 10:45:28 +0000

that was a great article
when mom and dad disagree with each other i think it mixes up the kid, and the kid turns to other things, what do you suggest? thanks.

By: Kristi

Kristi — Fri, 25 Jan 2008 20:08:37 +0000

Stephanie:

Thank you! Thank you! I read your post and as a family doctor echo your entire post wholeheartedly.

Dianne:

We have the same family history and I’ve also told my kids flat-out do NOT do drugs including drink alcohol or start smoking. They’ve seen their grandpa die of lung cancer and grandma with COPD and so they know the long-term effects but what Mel Levine calls “insatiability”.

Ellen:

I enjoyed your article. It was very insightful. I agree with you that management of “insatiability” or addictive behaviors includes having the discipline to be slightly uncomfortable to fill your goals and that this is a parent’s job to do. I also believe, though, that another portion of this is care for others. At the risk of oversimplifying, I feel the answer to addiction is found in the teachings of Jesus. I think addictions are a cry for something that is missing, and I have found that which is missing through Him. And so that is the focus of my parenting.

Kristi

By: Jamie

Jamie — Tue, 07 Aug 2007 21:19:33 +0000

I didn’t have time to read all the posts, but nobody that I did read brought forward the fact that addiction is a brain disease. Several people pointed out that they raised their children as well as they could and still ended up with addiction in the family. Also, at least one person insisted, properly, on the difference between “medication” and “drugs.” If I’m badly injured in a car crash, I want the doctors in the emergency room to shoot me full of morphine– not because I’m an addict, but because it will dull the pain.

Of course we should raise our children to tolerate frustration, to delay gratification, to have good self esteem and to generally be as resilient as possible, but there’s no magic formula that gives us a 100% chance that everything will be OK with our kids. We do everything possible to raise the odds– but we’ll never achieve certainty. Learning to deal with that uncertainty and anxiety is part of the resilience of being a parent.

By: Sue Harmon

Sue Harmon — Sun, 15 Jul 2007 12:54:25 +0000

Ellen,

I am a veteran teacher (29 years) who works in the field of Early Childhood Special Education with children labeled as having “Behavior Disorders”. I have read LOTS of child development and parenting books and was recently referred to your website by my sister, also a teacher.

I am so amazed at how you have succinctly and clearly articulated how parents can inadvertently, through no ill intentions, reinforce poor coping skills, in their children by trying to make everything so great and wonderful all the time. I have struggled with how to explain this to parents and your article really helps me see how I can.

Is it possible to get permission to print and distribute this article to my parents? Many of them will not take the time to go to the website but if I put the article in their hands, they might read it.

I appreciate the energy that you put into this site and these articles.

With thanks,
Sue

By: Veronica

Veronica — Tue, 26 Jun 2007 21:20:56 +0000

Wow! It all makes perfect sense. Why is it that all of us can’t make this connection so easily? There are way too many people out there that want “happy” kids 100% of the time. Life doesn’t work that way and this article states this perfectly. Thank you so much for your wisdom!

By: erin

erin — Thu, 19 Apr 2007 08:01:54 +0000

Excellent – loved this article. So wise.

By: Lee

Lee — Wed, 04 Apr 2007 17:35:18 +0000

Boy I wish I had this website when my boys were younger. I have 19 and 17 yr. old boys and a 10 yr. old daughter. Both boys have used more drugs than I am sure I am even able to comprehend with my oldest overdosing at 17 on cough and cold medicine, (he was lucky, was in a coma, spent a week in the hospital and is okay). My oldest is now off drugs due to a great job but my 17 yr old is still doing what he says is just pot. I worry so much because he is convinced smoking only pot is totally non-harmful and that he just loves it and doesn’t have any intention of stopping. I can only hope as he matures he too will find a good job or something that encougages him to stop. My biggest concern right now besides my daughter seeing all that the brothers she adores so completely have gone through is that my 17 yr. old wants more than anything to be an actor, which my husband and I support completely, but he recently confided in me that he can’t wait to be famous and do all the “partying” that the famous people do. I too have complete faith in God, however it is still extremely hard to let go.
Thanks for the advice, I’m always happy for any I can get. With my daughter being so much younger than her brothers I do find that we all make things very easy for her and maybe don’t let her deal with disappointment on her on. Time for us all to change.
Lee

By: DJS

DJS — Tue, 13 Mar 2007 01:41:44 +0000

What a tender concept and yet, as so many noted, an overly simplified answer to a complex problem. I am over half a century old with a 21 yo,16, 14 and 12 yo. I have worked in health care, homeschooled and public school. I agree with some of the many comments regarding the very real medical conditions which would prevent healthy functioning life without some form of medication. Truly said, not all pills are a pain avoidance tactic. Addiction and chemical reactions can take many forms, a “Runners High” can be equally unhealthy, addictive and ultimately deadly. reply to maha. #32 I would not simply pick your battles with the choice between beer and computer addiction. Computer gaming, like porn has a very real chemical effect on the brain and has been compared to the addiction synapses formed by cocaine. The impact on broken relationships can be as devastating as any other drug. Good parenting is no longer the simple love and encouragement of the right word at the right time and a well placed hug. Pray constantly. Listen alot and talk when they’ll listen. Laugh, educate and etc.etc. But there are no pat answers, each child chooses based on so many different factors, its not always a feel good factor, nor opportunity, nor peer pressure, nor genetics. Any and all, now or later addictions are part of our society. We never stop being parented, for better or worse. There are many grown adults who are still blaming their addictions on the parenting they received or failed to receive. Parents can only give from what they have, for some that is more and good, for some that is less and not so good. Wisdom comes from God, sometimes we get a glimpse of it. Sometimes we get to participate in it. Those moments are doubly blessed.

By: Rex

Rex — Thu, 08 Feb 2007 05:49:34 +0000

Hi, I am
Rex from India, a father of a 10-month old. I work with Young people, peer pressure and substance abuse. your articel was very thought provoking. Although I wouldnt buy the argument that good mature handling of problems and pain alone can eliminate addiction, I like it as a line of thought. Your article talks nothing about peer pressure, one of the major reasons for substance abuse. On the whole I would like to think as you suggest and propogate the idea. Much more use it with my kid, when he comes to it.

Thanks
rex
India

By: Elizabeth

Elizabeth — Tue, 23 Jan 2007 16:13:17 +0000

This is a very informative article. I’m a mother of 5 and a grandmother of 10. I realized when I read your article that I had followed this life lesson plan even though I didn’t associate it with the problem of drug addictions in teens. The reason I attempted to teach my children the acceptance of flaws and failure is because I knew from watching people that the happiest people were those who accepted who they were and liked themselves anyway. Not to say we shouldn’t all continue to grow and learn new ways to be better human’s. This article speaks to that in that the article itself offers a learned way of addressing a human condition. It is obvious that love and personal interaction boosts a child self esteem. It’s not about things– but about the interaction and communication a child shares with his or her family. Every child has a gift but that gift may be more or less than another person’s gift. Accepting that can be hard if parents brag about a child until he or she can’t bear not to excell over everyone else. It is the reason children cut themselves and take drugs. I have seen it over and over through my life–good parents who are educated and well off and they raise teens who drink, smoke and take drugs. The teens are many times high achievers and their parents give them everything they ask for. Recently I spoke with a Mom who’s teen wrecked the car for the third time. And each time the teen got a newer and fancier car. The teen had some blame in each of the accidents. I think at that point there should have been two concerns—one concern of safty for his driving decisions and one of concern for his needing to learn about real life disappointment. He may not live to learn the second and it seems to me he is being set up for something life threatening on two fronts, one in a car and one in managing the disappointments in his life.Thanks for the article.

By: Tracee

Tracee — Wed, 10 Jan 2007 03:40:08 +0000

WOW! This is really great stuff. I have a 9 year old and we just had a discussion earlier this evening about alchohol. She asked what I ever drank or smoked and I told her yes but I quit smoking 30 years ago and thought alchohol tasted like motor oil or like you went out and licked the street outside. We laughed about it but it was the first time we really talked about it with any depth.

Her dad and I divorced last year and things have been rough on her. I’m not a parent who believes in protecting children from everything, I let her see life as it is but it breaks my heart when I see her struggling. She has learning issues so school can be hard for her, but there again I keep on pushing her to do her best. I am scared to death about the teenage years ahead, I keep praying for God to help me and keep his veil of protection around her. I hope I’m doing the right thing in being a confidence builder for her. Her father is not that way, he did a real number on my head and now seems determined to do it to her. Thanks for some of this advice. Every little bit helps.
Tracee

By: Stacey

Stacey — Mon, 08 Jan 2007 14:43:20 +0000

Francine,
I was wondering if you know he is drinking “why let him go out with those friends?” I want to encourage you to step up and make the difference in your childs life. I have a 15 year old and he wouldn’t want to touch the stuff. He knows what I expect out of him. Even though He’s not doing alot of bad things, I make a point to say behave, no smoking, sex, drugs, etc. If anything those words will ring in his ear. But you don’t have to let him go drink with his friends. Help him find new outlets, join a gym, any sports, clubs there are so many things out there that could fill his time…Push through with him, he wants your attention even if he tries to push you away. Some kids want to know how much you love them by pushing away. There must be something that is painful for him to deal with? Relationships are hard to deal with sometimes. Falling into traps of drugs and alcohol is just ways of filling the void that can’t be dealt with???

By: Francine

Francine — Mon, 08 Jan 2007 13:18:53 +0000

Hi! My son, who turned 15 in October, has been drinking occassionally since the summer (then he was only 14)… I am very worried about this… Alcoholism runs in the families… I have 2 older sons; one who drinks and parties and the other who doesn’t touch liquor and is a very good hockey player and does very well in school. My 15 year old, I believe, lacks confidence and feels 2nd best to the boy who excells and doesn’t drink… Any advice that for me to help my 15 year old who is already involved with alcohol… His friends all drink also so it is a difficult situation…

Thank you for any advice that you could give me.

By: Valerie

Valerie — Sat, 30 Dec 2006 18:31:45 +0000

I am thrilled to read this article! It is so very important that we tend to our children’s tender souls now. We need to encourage them to grow in their weaknesses and be satisfied with the simple things that life has and does offer. They are far too stimulated and need MORE and MORE in order to enjoy themselves. If we teach them to be pleased with reading a book or engaging in family games that are clean and fun, they won’t go elsewhere for enjoyment.

Our society teaches these children to “do what tastes right” and follow your wants. What kind of message is this? I would LOVE to eat, drink and do whatever I want, however I will and do suffer the consequences for this. I am an adult and know some of the effects for this behavior. Our children are not developed in that aspect and cannot make proper decisions, this is why it is so important to teach them to stop and listen to that still small voice which will likely steer them the right way!

By: Suzanne

Suzanne — Wed, 27 Dec 2006 02:04:54 +0000

This article provides a very useful tool for managing one of the issues that can lead to experimentation with substances, and potentially substance abuse. I’m glad to see posts bringing out some of the other factors that contribute to experimentation and addiction. One point that I would like to add is the importance of helping our children learn how to seek out fulfilling and life affirming experiences. My daughter is only 10 years old, so our true challenges lie ahead of us, but I think even more important than teaching her to accept disappointments and delayed gratification (she gets these lessons on a regular basis) is teaching her to seek out and find gratification in healthy ways. When she is a teenager and miserable, and sees happy “high” peers, I have to hope that she knows she can go home and read or write or draw or call a friend or work in the garden or help someone and feel good without any negative consequences.

I also need to add my voice to the chorus of proponents for appropriate medication for mental illness. Clinical depression and bi-polar disorders have little to do with sadness. They have little to do with circumstances or external events. What they are about is a debilitating chemical imbalance in the brain which leads to despair so crushing, persistent and overwhelming at times that suicide seems like the only option. While antidepressants may be dangerous for some adolescents, ignoring depression and bi-polar disorder can be even more deadly. Just read the stories on any suicide survivors’ websites.

By: Louise

Louise — Tue, 26 Dec 2006 01:46:50 +0000

Dear Ellen
You know I knew this in theory but my love for my children made me weak. We are just coming out of addiction to ampetamines with my eldest son. It has taken love and grace and immense strength on all our parts. Looking back, I did not show my son how to deal with disappointment and how to manage grief. The recovery has been much harder, the pain of grieving the loss of all the dreams I held for that child and accepting him just as he is, has been so much harder than standing firm and allowing him to feel his pain from a young age. Small hurts early are so much easier to live with than the pain of watching a child fall prey to addictions. Protection and soothing was done out of love but I see how much better it would have been to learn how to live with the pain. My biggest problem was managing my own empathy. I felt so deeply for him it made it harder for me to sit with him through his fears and pain. I wish I could do it over but I encourage anyone reading this to really embrace Ellen’s wisdom and to walk with your children without protecting them from learning this life lesson.

By: Dianne

Dianne — Sat, 23 Dec 2006 13:03:50 +0000

Wow! This article sure has generated a lot of discussion!
I read the article and thought it provided great insight. I have three children, 18, 17 and 10. I cannot always say that I didn’t replace treasured things that were lost or broken for them, I guess I too, couldn’t stand their unhappiness. It broke my heart to see them upset, even though it IS a part of life, yet I think the natural inclination of a parent is to want to make it all better.
Anyhow, as far as I know, my two older children have not experimented with any illegal substances and I am so grateful for that. Their father is a recovering alcoholic, in the program of AA for 12 years and while the older two were very young when he was at his worst with his drinking, living with addiction has never been a secret in our house. My husband still attends 3 meetings a week. I too, attended Al-Anon meetings which I believe saved our lives (and the only reason I do not attend now is that the closest meeting is an hour away from where we now live). I took my older children to Al-Anon meetings with me (most provided babysitting at no cost) and unfortunately, my kids experienced great disappointment not from broken crayons, but from broken promises their father made while using. Al-Anon gave me the tools to cope with the disappointments, which enabled me to pass those tools onto my children. It was a very hard time in our lives. We have always been honest with our children that in our family, alcoholism and drugs are a serious game of Russian roulette and we have suggested that they never try either. All it takes is one time and they could be hooked. We have suggested they use addiction as the reason they say No to their friends when asked to participate. We have role played with them and tell them to say flat out, “Addiction runs in my family. I would rather not.” I had an aunt die from cirrhosis of the liver at 49 leaving behind five very damaged souls in her children and I tell them how she suffered terribly in her life AND her death. Her internal prison was her utter lack of self-worth, as the previous poster mentioned that she sees in her patients as a drug/alcohol counselor. She wanted happiness so badly, but couldn’t cope with many, many things. It was sad bordering on pathetic how it all ended up for her. However, it wasn’t much different for my husband and only by the grace of God and AA has he been able to live a sober life with us for the past 12 years.
I am not arrogant enough to say I know why my children have not experimented. They certainly have been faced with it as high school students. I am so proud of them for saying “no.” And I do praise them when they share this information with me, which is not often anymore as the nature of teens is to begin their own journey to independence from their parents. I always tell my kids “because everyone is doing something is NEVER the right reason for making a decision!” I then hold my breath and pray for them, because ultimately you just never know. That is what is the scariest thing about being a parent. For me, anyhow.
You do your very best and at some point you realize that it is up to God to do the rest. Prayers to all of you…you can tell you all care about your children so very much.

By: Shoshana

Shoshana — Tue, 19 Dec 2006 23:34:55 +0000

I love this article. It clearly explains a vital concept of parenting that many of us struggle with. In our desire to protect our children, we sometimes fail to teach them how to cope with the realities of life. We love them so much,we don’t want them to suffer at all. Yet, if we allow them to experience dissapointment,teach them as you say that disappointing things happen, and help them handle it, we are giving our children life skills.
Thanks so much.

By: Cathie

Cathie — Wed, 13 Dec 2006 23:02:37 +0000

I want to say thank you for sending me this it’s such a great tool. I don’t know of how guilty I am for being the parent that immediately tries to make things better for him….but I do know that I tend to immediately demand him to stop crying and that is why I am thankful for this…I dind’t realize it until today.