Should Parents Snoop on Their Kids?
Should Parents Snoop on Their Kids?
By: Mona R. Spiegel, Ph.D.
The Question
Our primary job as parents is to keep our children safe. Are we permitted to “snoop” on them in order to protect them from harm? Should we read their diaries, listen to their phone conversations, and check their email log?
The Court Case
Before you answer the question, be aware of your legal rights. The State Supreme Court of Washington, as described in the Seattle Times, unanimously reversed a 2000 robbery conviction in a case that was based in part on the testimony of a mother and what she heard in a telephone conversation between her daughter and her daughter’s friend.
The mother, Carmen Dixon, reportedly heard the friend discuss the robbery and even took notes of the conversation as she listened to it. By reversing the conviction, the Supreme Court is saying that it’s a crime to eavesdrop on anybody’s private conversation, including that of children. Although the attorneys cited provisions in the federal wiretap law that allow parents to listen to their children’s conversations, in Washington State there is “no such parental exception and no Washington court has ever implied such an exception,” according to the court opinion.
Will we get into trouble for performing our parental duty? Are there limits to our parental prerogative?
The Debate
My son, Tommy, doesn’t talk to me. If I ask him about school he says “It’s fine,” even though I don’t see him doing any work and his teachers report that he’s not handing in his assignments. He’s very irritable and is constantly fighting with his siblings. Lately, he spends almost all of his time in his room, listening to music or on the phone. He doesn’t respond if I ask him about his friends, where they’re going, or when they’ll be back. I’m happy that he still comes home at night.
Parents are in agony when left in the dark about a child’s activities. Who knows what he is doing! Is he involved with the “wrong” type of peer group? Is he hurting himself by engaging in behavior that is dangerous, either physically or emotionally, or illegal? What is a parent to do?
On the one hand, maybe we should just control our anxious thoughts and feelings. After all, we parents recognize our teenagers’ desire for privacy. They need time to be alone, space for their possessions, and the knowledge that we won’t pry into their lives. We want to have a relationship of trust and respect with them. We also want them to become increasingly independent so that they may be prepared for adulthood. If we control their lives too much we might impair their decision-making ability and hinder them from attaining the self-confidence to make the important decisions that lie ahead.
On the other hand, are we being naïve and foolish if we don’t snoop on our children?
To determine what to do, let’s examine what we mean by snooping. To snoop, according to the dictionary, is “to pry into other people’s business or affairs, especially in a furtive way.” Thus you are snooping when you monitor your children’s activities without their knowledge or expectations. That secretive activity implies that you don’t trust your child.
When There is Trouble
Are you indeed worried about your child? Do you have just cause for concern or are you overreacting to behavior that is normal for your child’s age?
My daughter, Mimi, likes to talk. She’s on the phone for hours every night. She’s even willing to pay for her own phone line. She won’t let me hear a word of her conversation. She goes to sleep way after I do. She runs to shop with her friends and hardly spends any time with the family. She’s very talkative around her peers and is nice to her siblings, but she barely talks to me. Although her teachers report that she participates in class, she’s quiet and withdrawn at the dinner table.
It is often difficult to discern whether the behaviors that we see are problematic. What are the possible causes for concern? They include any change in a child’s behavior, school grades, hygiene, friends or sleeping and eating habits. We’re not talking about Mimi’s self-centeredness or her late hours. These behaviors are typical of teenagers. But Tommy’s late hours combined with his recent irritability, withdrawal and poor performance may indeed be a red flag for trouble.
If you suspect that something serious may be happening then, most experts agree, it’s ok to snoop. Search Tommy’s room for any clue that indicates that he is leading a secret life. You are doing so out of fear for his safety, not because you are a nosy, controlling parent.
If upon investigation you do find something inappropriate, it’s time to consult with a professional as to the best course of action. You will also need to confront Tommy directly about it. But plan your conversation carefully. Make sure that you control your emotions and convey your worry, not your anger. Have an agenda in mind of what you want to say. State (1) why you were concerned; (2) what you found; and (3) what you will do about it.
Above all, show that you care about Tommy and that you want to protect him. Emphasize that his freedom from intrusion is a privilege, not a right. As long as everything seems okay – which you will ascertain by continued monitoring of his behavior – then you will not need to investigate further. On the other hand, if you feel concerned, you will do whatever is necessary to find out what is going on.
Recommendations
The best strategy is to be proactive. Get to know your children’s interests and friends, as well as their friends’ parents. Convey your interest by being available to your children; for example, by driving them places and sitting down to dinner with them. Learn to listen nonjudgmentally, and try to listen more than you speak. In this way, you communicate that you value their opinions and can accept a point of view that is different from your own.
Discuss with your child what is private and what is not. Go over your rules and expectations. In addition, clearly state that you will occasionally drop in on their cell phone log and be in touch with their teachers.
Many parents keep the children’s computer in a common room, not a child’s bedroom. This strategy facilitates hands-on supervision of their computer usage. These days it is fairly easy to check out how they use the computer, and don’t hesitate to do so. You might also want to prohibit chat rooms and IMing (Instant Messaging), and to generally limit the amount of online usage.
Go into your teenager’s room periodically - being careful not to trip over anything on the floor – and look around. You may see something that is left around by accident. Then don’t get into a battle about cleanliness. We’re discussing far more important values than a spotless room.
However, there is a very important caveat: Remember not to over-control and over-manage your child. You want all of your children to be able to manage their own lives, and the pre-adolescent and adolescent years are the training ground for doing so.
Instead, keep the lines of communication open. Sometimes they will close down (teenagers are notoriously moody and private) but you will be there to observe, question and intervene.
Finally, seek professional help if you notice an unhealthy pattern of teenage behavior and you feel helpless or uncertain what to do. Taking action now could prevent much more serious problems later.
By: Mona R. Spiegel, Ph.D.
“My Family Coach”
Dr. Mona Spiegel is a Licensed Psychologist with a private practice in Rockland County, NY. She is also a Professional Coach who provides telephone sessions to women who do not need therapy but seek guidance concerning themselves or their families. She focuses on parenting issues, relationship/communication skills, and life transitions. You can reach her at 845-425-4842 or www.myfamilycoach.com.
Amen Mom of seven,
we too took less money and more dad. It’s a challenge financially, but your children are only young for a short time. It’s worth the time.
We have four 17 year old boys… and our household rule is that there is no such thing as “My Space” - it is “Our Space” and the internet is a public domain - what’s more, the computer in the house belongs to my husband and me, including the internet connection - what does that mean for the boys? That when they make a choice to go online, they are making a choice to bring what they may consider “private” into the “public eye” which might include our eyes. If we have cause for concern or make a choice to go back and look at any logs (we use chat record software, password recorders, etc.) then we can exercise that option. If we find anything we deem to be inappropriate then it comes off and we may suspend their computer priviledges for awhile. The guideline is, “if you would be embarrassed for Grandma to see it, then don’t post it or write it.”
Their friends know that we can access their sites and we have alerted parents when we are concerned about information that the kids are posting. Our goal is for the boys to learn how to use the technology and resources appropriately… amazing, when I was a teenager we had phones with cords, 8-tracks and cassette tapes with no such thing as “explicit lyrics” and rated R meant “forget it, you’ll have to read the book”.
They have done really well overall - they have each had one learning experience, and the whole thing has been a learning experience for us as parents!
Mom of seven,
So true… I grew up the same way and my family is still so close. My husband grew up differently and his family is not nearly as close. It is amazing how much of the way we were brought up infleunces how we parent.
I applaud any parent who is willing to put the importance of family over co-existing under the same roof.
Thanks to all who commented!It is refreshing to read comments from so many parents who genuinely care about their kids.
Gordon - You are not a male chauvenist, quite the contrary. Rather than shoving the role of parenting and caretaking off on the moms, you recognize the great importance of your role as a parent.
I teach seventh grade. Quite often I see both boys and girls with serious issues because their fathers do not see the relevance of their participation in their children’s lives. Those students who have two parents who present a united front, as mentioned by Bruce, and who participate in a good relationship with their kids tend to be much more secure in themselves (not easy for any seventh grader).They also tend to choose better friends and make better choices in general.
Regarding the comments on snooping: I agree with all who said that your children are your business.
For those struggling with 17 & 18+ year olds and the rules in your household, I agree with T’s mom, if you live at home you must follow the rules. “Adults don’t live with their parents…”
Many of us have/have had 18 year olds who are legally adults, but are still in high school because of they started school late (due to birthday/age) or were placed in D-1 programs, etc. This can sometimes cloud our thinking, because the world says that they should be permitted to do what they wish. I disagree.
My husband and I have a 20 year old boy and a 13 year old girl. Our son turned 18 during the summer before his senior year. Therefore he was quite appalled when he made a poor choice and we grounded him from his truck for three days. In general, he is a good kid, but we all make mistakes. Of course he was annoyed with us because he was 18 and owned his own truck.
We explained to him that he had not made an adult decision therefore his adult privileges were being revoked for a few days. He could go most any place he needed or wanted to, but he would have to make arrangements for his father or I to take him. We worked around our schedules some, but did not go way out of our way to upset the usual daily schedules. As advised by another parent in this blog, we used the transit time to visit with him about every day life. He enjoyed the time to visit inspite of himself.
We only had to implement this twice during his senior year. We had a lot of pleasant days in between because he knew we loved him and expected him to make good choices. If not there would be consequences, just like there are for adults. That is real life!
He sometimes thinks we are “nosey”, but we remind him regularly that even married adults have the decency to check in with one anther as to where we will be and with whom. It is common courtesy. I also remind him as a mom that my concern for his well being will not change. I am 41 years old and my parents still worry about whether or not I am safe and well. That issue doesn’t change, so he may as well accept it.
To those who said make your home “The spot”, you are right. My mother always quoted her grandmother in saying, “If ya know where they is, ya know where they ain’t.” lol - I love that saying, now that I am parent. My home was “The spot” when I grew up, we’ve tried to do the same with our home now.
I know I am going on, so just one last thing. My son stayed home to do the Jr. College thing for 1 1/2 years. He is moving out this week to go to a university two hours away. Between moving and his truck transmission going out he had no money at Christmas, so he gave us a letter as gift. (Okay, now I am crying.)In the letter he thanked us for raising him the way we did. He personally addressed each of us. If he had had a million dollars to spend on us this Christmas, I would not have taken it over this treasured letter. I know it sounds cliche, but hang in there folks! Pray a lot and hang on. The ride is worth it!
P.S. We pray that we will do as well with our 13 year old girl. She is into the computer, phone, etc. and your advise is being taken very seriously. I have learned much today.I am sure we are headed for much excitment these next few years to come. Yippee! Here go into the teen years again. : )
I LOVED reading your thoughts on the limits of raising an 18 year old! We have four children ages 17 (almost 18); 15; 13; and 11. With the 17 year old (A senior in high school), she is constantly wondering why we always want to know where she is because she is almost 18 and going to college, and we won’t know where she is then. She is a great student and truly a great child. However, we try to explain to her that as long as she is under our roof, she will follow our rules…curfew, etc. And, we also said that we will worry about her even when she is 50! This is hard and nice to know there are other parents out there with the same issues! Thanks for the inspiration to hang in there!
I have a 20 year old daughter and a 17 year old daughter, wow, those teenage years are rough ones, but I am a survivor! My 20 year old was pretty much the model first child, pleaser, didn’t ever get into too much trouble. My 17 year old has experienced severe depression, bad choices, etc. I will say that when you have a bad feeling, definitely search and try to find things that will help you help your children. If I had not snooped, it would have probably taken us longer to find out about her problems. She is doing great currently, but it has not been an easy road. Our christianity has kept us going, prayer is a powerful thing!
Okay, I have teenagers of my own and they are on the computer quite often.. I also have fosterchildren who are on the computer and I can’t always moniter their every move. Although I do believe in childrens privacy to an extent, they are still children. I do have a program on my computer that records everything that they type, every instant message and even takes snapshots of websites.it records everything they type on myspace etc..(”IAMBIGBROTHER”is the name of the program, and it is not expensive at all)…. some may call it extreme, but I am trying to keep my kids safe in a world that is desensitizing our children to things that 20 years ago we would have cringed at. Yes, times change and generations change I agree, but does that mean that we have to let our kids be exposed to everything?
I need to know who they hang out with who their friends are. I need to know what they are doing on the internet and where they have been. My responsibility as a mother is to raise my child into a healthy responsible adult and if they mess up while they are still young guess who is responsible? The court will look at me and say why didn’t you get this child the help they needed?
I do check up on my kids, I have too and I don’t have a problem letting them know that.
Yay!, I finally found some advice for parenting an 18 year old. My daughter lives at home, goes to a community college and works. She has a MySpace that I’ve monitored since she’s had it (a few years). She also had an online journal which I’ve had to take away for a period of time for punishment because of bad language, she doesn’t have this anymore though. We are very close and are very much alike, finish each others sentences, etc. Now she has a boyfriend and is MADLY in love. So, I don’t matter anymore (pitiful me :)). She has a Mac laptop that she has to log on to with a password to use. When it’s on and she is gone, I tend to snoop. I go into her history to see what she’s been up to. Yesterday I found porn sites that she has been visiting. I’m not sure if she and her boyfriend and doing this together or what. So far she is a virgin but not for long. I’ve made an appointment for her to go to the GYN to get on birth control. I realize, when you are 18 and in love, things happen and I just want her to be protected. I never thought my girls would stay virgins until they marry, I didn’t!! But this really disturbs me. I don’t want her to know I snoop and don’t know what to do. Any advice would be appreciated.
I have four children ages and have had various experiences. I also work with children and families every single day. My oldest I never monitored on the computer. I kept it in a public place and limited his time on it. I never had anything beyond the normal teen age problems with him. The second child basically was on the same road until I started having issues with her junior and senior year. She was sent home drunk from the prom, and I installed monitoring software right after, and discovered she had started a secret life which included a lot of partying (alcohol and pot). I restricted her from her party friends and stopped monitoring the computer (our of conflicting feelings about it)so in essense I monitored for about a week.
She earned back her privelages, and senior year started out. Things were good for awhile, but I suspected sneaking was going on. I didn’t monitor, she was home at curfew time, grades were good, no overt signs of alcohol or drug usage. In the winter I began suspecting she was using pot and drinking again. I didn’t monitor the situation worsened and she became out of control. After a lot of work, limits, privelages being revoked, no cell phone at all for over a year and a half, she is better and in college. SHe still has some lingering issues though. I now monitor the computer. I installed a great monitoring program on the family computer. I have a fifteen year old and an 11 year old. It blocks myspace (it will monitor it for you too) but I just blocked it ..easier who needs to deal with it. It gives you all of thier history, all the websites they go to. If you notice any red flags or inappropriate ones, you can block them. It monitors all their chat/instant messaging. If you notice antying inappropriate you can block. I already have blocked a person imming my son who I believe was a predator and have come across innocent conversations about school work which turned into the person telling him they were rolling joints and asking him if his parents were home (blocked that person). When he asks to go out, I can easily review the IM’s to determine if things are on the up and up. He is doing very well right now. I also can initate conversations bc I know what is on his mind. I can set a timer for him on the computer to limit time on, but instead I have the computer password protected and they have to ask to have it on. I don’t want any of my children on when I am not at home. I think moniotirng is something every parent should do. The “wrong crowd” can now enter your home easily through your home computer. I also don’t think children should have cell phones until college (unless they are extremely responsible) and if they do they should have NO camera, NO internet access and should have a caperone GPS system. The cell phone must be monitored as well. Between the computer and the cell, kids can easily lead a secret life. IF i had been monioring I think I’d have had an easier time averting drug and alcohol issues with my second child.
We just had this conversation this past week. A friend of our just told us that he put a keylogger on his teenage daughter’s accounts because he was concerned about the chat rooms she visited. This was a reaction that was too little, too late, and too sneaky.
Just the next morning at the breakfast table I had the conversation with my 10 and 12 year old daughters, to reinforce what has always been our policy (computer with internet access is at the junction of living room, dining room, kitchen of our home; 5 kids vying for computer time are very good at monitoring attempted infractions
— I get to approve of who they IM (only people I know), what websites they visit, and that there is NO EXPECTATION OF PRIVACY when it comes to their SAFETY, even as teens. Also, that no plans may be made online, only by phone. They are already trained to NEVER use their actual names online.
We gotten to the cell phone point yet, but when we do they will have GPS and be used mainly (I am not a total ogre) for contacting parents.
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I think as a mom we should take control of our childen because when they turn 18 they get rebell and think they could d o whatever they want since they are18 years old. and thats wht they get into drugs, gangs, etc… and then people complain why our children are like that aand think that we are bad parents but, it cause when they turn 18 we can’t take control of their live anymore…
everyone should agree with me
parents shouldnt snoop its an invasion of privacy. thay should only look at there kids personal emails if they know the child is into something they are not supposed to be. parents should talk openly with children instead of snooping behind their backs.
In my opinion, it is an invasion of one’s privacy. It will be better if we as parents maintain an open line of communication with our children as to the happenings around them specially with their out of school activities so that the proper guidance will be given them.
As a teenager growing up, I think it is wrong to monitor ones privacy. I am 21 and my parents constantly harrass me “what time will you be home, who are you with” etc. What parents need to understand is this - the more restrictions they place on their kids, the more they will rebel. I am rebellious. My parents don’t even allow alcohol in the house (for my consumption) and since I can’t have a few beers when I feel like it, I find it necessary to go out of home and do it. This usually results in a much more intoxicated experience instead of just having a few beers and kicking back at home.
I think parents need to understand that there are substances that are out there and the only way to control their kids and to bring them to their senses is to teach them to use them responsibly (if at all). When I have kids, I will be letting them enjoy beer in the comfort of their own house (when they are at the right age) and if they want to try marijuana, I will organise it and smoke it with them. That way I know that they know their limits and they are doing it in a safe environment (rather than your daughter going to a party, getting stoned and then raped as a result).
It’s all well and good to put restrictions on, but I’ve become a sneak (which is something I’m not proud of) but it’s something I must do because my parents won’t allow me to do anything responsibly at home. There’s no point sheltering them from the real world, because when push comes to shove, they’re going to encounter drugs and alcohol at some point in their life. I do believe that it needs to be controlled though. You don’t want a junkie as a son/daughter…
To all the parents who still seek control over their 18- 19- and 20-year-olds, especially the one who grounded the 18-year-old son from the truck that he owned and paid for, give it up. They’re grown, they’re adults, you have no right to control them. If you dislike how they live their lives, kick them out of the house.
Back in 2007 I posted a comment about the computer monitoring. I had completely forgot about this website until recently, when I checked my email.
I guess that I need to explain a little… The foster girl that we had ,put straightpins in our ice cube trays, thinking that nobody would catch it. (She was 15)
She stole our debit card # and used it, plus accused us of beating her. We were investigated 2 times…..
Some of this info we would not have proof of had it not been for the program on the computer at the time. She was arrested by the State police.
She is gone now, over 18……
In no way did I ever say “CONTROL YOUR CHILDREN” …. You can’t…..
Give them room to grow and be thier own person. It’s okay…
“They will make mistakes”…but all that you can do is hope they learn a lesson, “They will break your heart”….wait….they will eventually apologize, AND ” They def. won’t listen to you all of the time, as they know it all”….
But you know what? You will have a much better relationship with them as they get older. Talk with them, Laugh with them and enjoy every moment that you have.