How to get ripped abs!

Just the next morning at the breakfast table I had the conversation with my 10 and 12 year old daughters, to reinforce what has always been our policy (computer with internet access is at the junction of living room, dining room, kitchen of our home; 5 kids vying for computer time are very good at monitoring attempted infractions — I get to approve of who they IM (only people I know), what websites they visit, and that there is NO EXPECTATION OF PRIVACY when it comes to their SAFETY, even as teens. Also, that no plans may be made online, only by phone. They are already trained to NEVER use their actual names online.

We gotten to the cell phone point yet, but when we do they will have GPS and be used mainly (I am not a total ogre) for contacting parents.

I need to know who they hang out with who their friends are. I need to know what they are doing on the internet and where they have been. My responsibility as a mother is to raise my child into a healthy responsible adult and if they mess up while they are still young guess who is responsible? The court will look at me and say why didn’t you get this child the help they needed?

I do check up on my kids, I have too and I don’t have a problem letting them know that.

Gordon - You are not a male chauvenist, quite the contrary. Rather than shoving the role of parenting and caretaking off on the moms, you recognize the great importance of your role as a parent.

I teach seventh grade. Quite often I see both boys and girls with serious issues because their fathers do not see the relevance of their participation in their children’s lives. Those students who have two parents who present a united front, as mentioned by Bruce, and who participate in a good relationship with their kids tend to be much more secure in themselves (not easy for any seventh grader).They also tend to choose better friends and make better choices in general.

Regarding the comments on snooping: I agree with all who said that your children are your business.

For those struggling with 17 & 18+ year olds and the rules in your household, I agree with T’s mom, if you live at home you must follow the rules. “Adults don’t live with their parents…”

Many of us have/have had 18 year olds who are legally adults, but are still in high school because of they started school late (due to birthday/age) or were placed in D-1 programs, etc. This can sometimes cloud our thinking, because the world says that they should be permitted to do what they wish. I disagree.

My husband and I have a 20 year old boy and a 13 year old girl. Our son turned 18 during the summer before his senior year. Therefore he was quite appalled when he made a poor choice and we grounded him from his truck for three days. In general, he is a good kid, but we all make mistakes. Of course he was annoyed with us because he was 18 and owned his own truck.

We explained to him that he had not made an adult decision therefore his adult privileges were being revoked for a few days. He could go most any place he needed or wanted to, but he would have to make arrangements for his father or I to take him. We worked around our schedules some, but did not go way out of our way to upset the usual daily schedules. As advised by another parent in this blog, we used the transit time to visit with him about every day life. He enjoyed the time to visit inspite of himself.

We only had to implement this twice during his senior year. We had a lot of pleasant days in between because he knew we loved him and expected him to make good choices. If not there would be consequences, just like there are for adults. That is real life!

He sometimes thinks we are “nosey”, but we remind him regularly that even married adults have the decency to check in with one anther as to where we will be and with whom. It is common courtesy. I also remind him as a mom that my concern for his well being will not change. I am 41 years old and my parents still worry about whether or not I am safe and well. That issue doesn’t change, so he may as well accept it.

To those who said make your home “The spot”, you are right. My mother always quoted her grandmother in saying, “If ya know where they is, ya know where they ain’t.” lol - I love that saying, now that I am parent. My home was “The spot” when I grew up, we’ve tried to do the same with our home now.

I know I am going on, so just one last thing. My son stayed home to do the Jr. College thing for 1 1/2 years. He is moving out this week to go to a university two hours away. Between moving and his truck transmission going out he had no money at Christmas, so he gave us a letter as gift. (Okay, now I am crying.)In the letter he thanked us for raising him the way we did. He personally addressed each of us. If he had had a million dollars to spend on us this Christmas, I would not have taken it over this treasured letter. I know it sounds cliche, but hang in there folks! Pray a lot and hang on. The ride is worth it!

P.S. We pray that we will do as well with our 13 year old girl. She is into the computer, phone, etc. and your advise is being taken very seriously. I have learned much today.I am sure we are headed for much excitment these next few years to come. Yippee! Here go into the teen years again. : )

So true… I grew up the same way and my family is still so close. My husband grew up differently and his family is not nearly as close. It is amazing how much of the way we were brought up infleunces how we parent.

I applaud any parent who is willing to put the importance of family over co-existing under the same roof.

Their friends know that we can access their sites and we have alerted parents when we are concerned about information that the kids are posting. Our goal is for the boys to learn how to use the technology and resources appropriately… amazing, when I was a teenager we had phones with cords, 8-tracks and cassette tapes with no such thing as “explicit lyrics” and rated R meant “forget it, you’ll have to read the book”.

They have done really well overall - they have each had one learning experience, and the whole thing has been a learning experience for us as parents!

College can be a really scary place and I would never suggest sheltering our kids from everything bad, just being actively involved while we still have them under our roofs.

I don’t get it!! I agree with mom to 4 special kids, make the place to “hang out” your place.

I have put my mouth (and frequently my foot) in it more times than I can count - just recently in fact. My 18 year old has a very sweet girlfriend who is culturally different… Her mother lives overseas and she is here with her Dad who is a single Dad. I walked into his room the other day and they were “snuggling” on his bed watching the Princess Bride. Well, I was VERY firm about this being inappropriate - understanding the entire time that unfortunately he IS an adult. They both understood however, that I have three younger children aged 15, 10 and 6 - two of whom are “in the autism spectrum” and tend to copy (exactly to every embarassing detail) what their big brother does. Aside from the small I am embarassed look I got it went well… Also, I have had great luck with encouraging the kids to hang out at my house - if your house becomes “the spot” than you will have much more control and awareness of what is going on….

Just my thoughts

I’ve spoken with him (dad has too) and his brother about how there’s a whole lot between that first hug and sex that is still very inappropriate. I’ve referred to a snowball effect with raging of hormones, but with an alcoholic dad who’s sometimes not there for him, I feel like he’s looking for love in the wrong place.

I try to be loving, and tell him frequently that I love him “fiercely”, but you know teen boys and moms…our culture stiffles mother/son affection, and I can’t force things on him. My handsome Uncle lives a gay lifestyle, and my Grandma felt she had something to do with this reaction when she discouraged a courtship he once had with a girl.

My gut reaction is to go to this girls home and talk to her (she’s without a dad) and tell her to leave my son alone.

I really respect those of you who want to see your children make it to Heaven. It is incredibly hard to be a christian and EXTREMELY hard to be a teenage christian. If you find that it is not difficult, I would worry about you.

So thank you to those of you parents who are willing to be the bad guy once in awhile to help your teen make it.

Go into the browser and click view history - it will give you a list of sites visited, this works especially well if they have their own login. Feel free to email me off this board if you need additional assistance - diegowench@yahoo.com.

Mom to four special kids

This is unfortunately the result of our ailing family structure in America. No one is home to raise these children anymore. They spend all day in daycare, school and afterschool programs. Then when the family is finally all at home, no one is ever really toghether. Everyone goes off into their own separate corner of the house and ignores each other. Children shut their parents out as teenagers, because parents shut thier children out when they are small. We lead them by example.

There were times I rolled my eyes and sighed when my parents would ask me where my friends and I were going, who was driving, who was going along… That was “annoying” or perhaps embarrassing as a teen ONLY because it was not typical. I can not tell you how thankful I am for that now. Even while still young, I saw times when that protected me.

What my parents did RIGHT was to befriend us kids without giving up their authority. They enjoyed being with us. We enjoyed being with them. They set rules, lots of them, but they explained the logic behind them and they had high standards for themselves, too. They loved us unconditionally, like someone said earlier, and they let us know this. They got to KNOW us and never let us drift off into our own little worlds. (We were not even allowed to shut the family out with a walk-man in our ears. If they spoke to us, we turned the thing off — immediately.) They always knew us, and we knew them! We were pals and confidants!

I do not understand why we accept the idea that it is normal for our children to find their parents lame or embarrassing or someone to push away or shut out. They begin to push for their freedom, yes, but there should still be a relationship there. When did this become standard policy? I’ll bet if we followed societies that accepted this idea and societies that expected and fostered close relationships with their children up to adulthood, we’d find that those who expected and fostered close relationship have enjoyed citizens who make better choices overall.

Actually, I do know why we accept this. We do it because everyone else does, or so it seems. We’re worried our children will be “weird” if we expect different standards than what their friends are used to. I say, too bad. Be weird. I was. AND be proactive about helping your children choose some friends from families who think as you do. They are out there. Don’t huddle and be exclusive, but use each other as support.

There were three of us girls in my family. None of us rebelled. We didn’t even have scowls or frowns on our faces like I see so much these days. We made mistakes. I got in the middle of a group that was doing something wrong and didn’t know what to do, got too friendly with a young man and found out just how strong those hormones are…Anytime there was something like that, we talked about it with our parents, we all worked it out together.

I totally agree that the world our children are growing up in is different. They have WAY too much access to whomever and whatever. My child will not speak to somebody over the computer or telephone that I have not yet invited into my living room. As long as I am legally responsible for them, they will NEVER take off with friends whose parents we do not know without giving us some idea of where they will be going and what they will be doing.

We talk with our oldest about WHY she does not have unsupervised access to the internet, etc. She doesn’t love it, but she accepts it. (I don’t read every email she sends or receives, but she knows that I may do so at any given time, the computer is in the living room, etc.) She has some friends who are allowed a lot more freedom. Most of her friends also live by the same rules. For now, she’s not kicking against it. I’m hoping that, like me, she’ll realize that her boundaries are for her protection, not for her enstranglement.

I have 6 children and we have the same type of close relationship that Debbi described with her children so I do believe her, I just hope that she is not living in a suedo world of “Not my child”. I trust my children but I do not trust the world, I do not trust society.

I agree with those that said because they are my children there is no such concept as snooping. My children and all things concerning them is absolutely and unequivocally my business! It is only fair though to be upfront with your children and let them know very plainly that you fully intend to exercise your parental right and obligation to examine and watchover their lives. If you are not upfront it makes you look weak and as a person that lacks integrity and strong morals; and it does paint you as a snoop. Being sneaky will ultimately cause the child to distrust you and have a lack of respect for you as a person and a parent and that will show through in their communication with you.

Admittedly, even in the midst of all of this good advice, I have a 12 yr old son that readily tells me that he does not believe that I have the right to govern his life. We actually have a pretty good relationship. Who can really say that their child tells them “everything” since no parent knows what “everything” entails. But he does tell me way more than the typical male child tells his mother. Inspite of our good relationship he just absolutely cannot see and understand why I have the right to “interfere” (as he calls it) in his life. We have learned to agree to disagree on this issue but we are still working out the issue daily. I believe that he respects me because although I make it clear that I do not agree with him and that I am not going to change my actions based on this belief of his, I don’t discredit his right to believe what he does.I believe that he will come around one day soon, but until then I separate the behavior from the child. This is something that we all must do, we can’t label our children bad or good for that matter based on their behavior. We just have to show them unconditional love and keep communication open. Don’t make the mistake of teaching our children that their temporal behavior or performances define who they are. Let them know that they are great just because and teach them to define themselves based on their moral beliefs and character. That way a mistake won’t tear them down and a good job won’t puff them up.

OK, I am going on and on. That’s all folks. Oh one last thing: Sorry Mr. Dilmore that you were left feeling slighted as a father. My husband is a great dad and really involved with our children. I honor him and you, but the truth is this is not the case in such a great percentage of homes now-a-days. but we welcome you nonetheless.

~Laneen

When grounding a child for poor decisions, be it from the computor or cell phone, or whatever electronic device, interact more with them during this time to invoke good strong family values. Doing so, may help turn the morality of this world around. Providing more electronic devices and allowing them to be so prevalent in our kids’ lives is the parents fault. Take back the family unit and stop the armchair parenting!

As for snooping, if you smell smoke, it’s our job to put the fire out…quickly! It’s not easy for our children and their peers….it’s not a walk in the park on the parenting side either when their friends are allowed to do just about anything. Giving them everything sometimes means taking away important things….Quality vs quantity!

T is right on the money:)

With the kids computer time - I limit them to a certain time - example my oldest daughter is 15, and she has 1.5 hours per night beginning at 7:30pm - if she goes over, there is a rules overview that she and my husband and her therapist and I signed (she has Aspergers). I will periodically go online and check the history - if it has been deleted, she automatically gets one week of restriction from the computer. I have a list of all of her sites that she goes on and both my ex husband and I will log into these sites and check on her.

My son, who is now 18, has pretty much unlimited access to the computer - he takes the unused blocks of time and all of the kids understand that if they are asked to get off the computer due to an adult using it - they have 5 minutes to comply - and then they start losing time. The two smallest children don’t have blocks of time yet, as they are 10 and 6, however, the older children are asked to accomodate them, as they need assistance. The only children left “alone” while online are the two oldest ones - plus I have my laptop in the same room, and generally will go into the computer room while they are on….

Short answer - as parents we have the right and more importantly the responsibility to be aware of what our children are doing, who they are talking to, and the activities they are engaging in. I would only call it snooping if for some reason your children are not aware that it is your responsibility to check up on them… I cannot imagine minors not understanding this though.

I have 5 children. We talk about everything…first kisses, down to who they talk to online. My kids even read to me their conversations online with their friends, and we laugh.

I know their circle of friends, we also homeschool. I don’t snoop on my children. If they want to share a journal entry with me, then they can, but they have my promise that I won’t snoop…because I know I can trust them to come to me with anything that could be harmful. They know they are loved, they know that they can come to me, and we will work it out together.

It’s very important to make your child know they are loved…unconditionally. So that even when they screw up (which all of us do) that they can come to you, and work it out. It’s not the end of the world, and you won’t freak out and ground them for life. LOL

As I read the statements in the article, I am amazed at how distant some parents are from their children. It’s unnatural to not communicate with one another. I must just be lucky or something!

LadyPoet
(mom to 18yod, 16yos, 14yos, 8yos and 6yos)

What to do with the fact that all his/her friends have MySpace? I don’t know the perfect answer, but you’re the parent.

The implication is that men (fathers) do not play a role in the family caregiving process and are not partners in helping families.

I would submit that this separatist attitude is the core of the family problems we are experiencing today.

Men are a dynamic part of the caregiving process and they should be held accountable as such. I’m talking about the entire process, not just the financial part.

Secondly, I would submit that the characteristics displayed by “Mimi” are potentially just as disturbing as those displayed by “Tommy” and call for positive proactive intervention on the part of her parents. Her actions may be “typical” by today’s measure, but “typical” is not necessarily psychologically normal or healthy.

We are the parents (both wife and husband)and we have the right and the responsibility to set the standards of conduct as well as the expectations for our children to abide by.

When we don’t do that, we fail our obligations.