Comments on: Should Parents Snoop on Their Kids? http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/snooping-on-kids/ Timeless Parenting Advice for Toddlers through Teenagers Fri, 12 Mar 2010 20:21:20 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.9.1 hourly 1 By: Holly http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/snooping-on-kids/comment-page-2/#comment-52283 Holly Thu, 04 Jun 2009 14:41:02 +0000 http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/snooping-on-kids/#comment-52283 Back in 2007 I posted a comment about the computer monitoring. I had completely forgot about this website until recently, when I checked my email. I guess that I need to explain a little... The foster girl that we had ,put straightpins in our ice cube trays, thinking that nobody would catch it. (She was 15) She stole our debit card # and used it, plus accused us of beating her. We were investigated 2 times..... Some of this info we would not have proof of had it not been for the program on the computer at the time. She was arrested by the State police. She is gone now, over 18...... In no way did I ever say "CONTROL YOUR CHILDREN" .... You can't..... Give them room to grow and be thier own person. It's okay... "They will make mistakes"...but all that you can do is hope they learn a lesson, "They will break your heart"....wait....they will eventually apologize, AND " They def. won't listen to you all of the time, as they know it all".... But you know what? You will have a much better relationship with them as they get older. Talk with them, Laugh with them and enjoy every moment that you have. Back in 2007 I posted a comment about the computer monitoring. I had completely forgot about this website until recently, when I checked my email.

I guess that I need to explain a little… The foster girl that we had ,put straightpins in our ice cube trays, thinking that nobody would catch it. (She was 15)
She stole our debit card # and used it, plus accused us of beating her. We were investigated 2 times…..

Some of this info we would not have proof of had it not been for the program on the computer at the time. She was arrested by the State police.
She is gone now, over 18……

In no way did I ever say “CONTROL YOUR CHILDREN” …. You can’t…..

Give them room to grow and be thier own person. It’s okay…

“They will make mistakes”…but all that you can do is hope they learn a lesson, “They will break your heart”….wait….they will eventually apologize, AND ” They def. won’t listen to you all of the time, as they know it all”….

But you know what? You will have a much better relationship with them as they get older. Talk with them, Laugh with them and enjoy every moment that you have.

]]> By: Moon Howler http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/snooping-on-kids/comment-page-2/#comment-52279 Moon Howler Mon, 01 Jun 2009 22:46:14 +0000 http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/snooping-on-kids/#comment-52279 To all the parents who still seek control over their 18- 19- and 20-year-olds, especially the one who grounded the 18-year-old son from the truck that he owned and paid for, give it up. They're grown, they're adults, you have no right to control them. If you dislike how they live their lives, kick them out of the house. To all the parents who still seek control over their 18- 19- and 20-year-olds, especially the one who grounded the 18-year-old son from the truck that he owned and paid for, give it up. They’re grown, they’re adults, you have no right to control them. If you dislike how they live their lives, kick them out of the house.

]]> By: Dan http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/snooping-on-kids/comment-page-2/#comment-52260 Dan Sat, 16 May 2009 13:22:38 +0000 http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/snooping-on-kids/#comment-52260 As a teenager growing up, I think it is wrong to monitor ones privacy. I am 21 and my parents constantly harrass me "what time will you be home, who are you with" etc. What parents need to understand is this - the more restrictions they place on their kids, the more they will rebel. I am rebellious. My parents don't even allow alcohol in the house (for my consumption) and since I can't have a few beers when I feel like it, I find it necessary to go out of home and do it. This usually results in a much more intoxicated experience instead of just having a few beers and kicking back at home. I think parents need to understand that there are substances that are out there and the only way to control their kids and to bring them to their senses is to teach them to use them responsibly (if at all). When I have kids, I will be letting them enjoy beer in the comfort of their own house (when they are at the right age) and if they want to try marijuana, I will organise it and smoke it with them. That way I know that they know their limits and they are doing it in a safe environment (rather than your daughter going to a party, getting stoned and then raped as a result). It's all well and good to put restrictions on, but I've become a sneak (which is something I'm not proud of) but it's something I must do because my parents won't allow me to do anything responsibly at home. There's no point sheltering them from the real world, because when push comes to shove, they're going to encounter drugs and alcohol at some point in their life. I do believe that it needs to be controlled though. You don't want a junkie as a son/daughter... As a teenager growing up, I think it is wrong to monitor ones privacy. I am 21 and my parents constantly harrass me “what time will you be home, who are you with” etc. What parents need to understand is this – the more restrictions they place on their kids, the more they will rebel. I am rebellious. My parents don’t even allow alcohol in the house (for my consumption) and since I can’t have a few beers when I feel like it, I find it necessary to go out of home and do it. This usually results in a much more intoxicated experience instead of just having a few beers and kicking back at home.

I think parents need to understand that there are substances that are out there and the only way to control their kids and to bring them to their senses is to teach them to use them responsibly (if at all). When I have kids, I will be letting them enjoy beer in the comfort of their own house (when they are at the right age) and if they want to try marijuana, I will organise it and smoke it with them. That way I know that they know their limits and they are doing it in a safe environment (rather than your daughter going to a party, getting stoned and then raped as a result).

It’s all well and good to put restrictions on, but I’ve become a sneak (which is something I’m not proud of) but it’s something I must do because my parents won’t allow me to do anything responsibly at home. There’s no point sheltering them from the real world, because when push comes to shove, they’re going to encounter drugs and alcohol at some point in their life. I do believe that it needs to be controlled though. You don’t want a junkie as a son/daughter…

]]> By: Heidi http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/snooping-on-kids/comment-page-2/#comment-51936 Heidi Mon, 16 Feb 2009 01:31:07 +0000 http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/snooping-on-kids/#comment-51936 I LOVED reading your thoughts on the limits of raising an 18 year old! We have four children ages 17 (almost 18); 15; 13; and 11. With the 17 year old (A senior in high school), she is constantly wondering why we always want to know where she is because she is almost 18 and going to college, and we won't know where she is then. She is a great student and truly a great child. However, we try to explain to her that as long as she is under our roof, she will follow our rules...curfew, etc. And, we also said that we will worry about her even when she is 50! This is hard and nice to know there are other parents out there with the same issues! Thanks for the inspiration to hang in there! I LOVED reading your thoughts on the limits of raising an 18 year old! We have four children ages 17 (almost 18); 15; 13; and 11. With the 17 year old (A senior in high school), she is constantly wondering why we always want to know where she is because she is almost 18 and going to college, and we won’t know where she is then. She is a great student and truly a great child. However, we try to explain to her that as long as she is under our roof, she will follow our rules…curfew, etc. And, we also said that we will worry about her even when she is 50! This is hard and nice to know there are other parents out there with the same issues! Thanks for the inspiration to hang in there!

]]> By: Jo Andrew http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/snooping-on-kids/comment-page-2/#comment-51582 Jo Andrew Tue, 09 Dec 2008 17:58:34 +0000 http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/snooping-on-kids/#comment-51582 In my opinion, it is an invasion of one's privacy. It will be better if we as parents maintain an open line of communication with our children as to the happenings around them specially with their out of school activities so that the proper guidance will be given them. In my opinion, it is an invasion of one’s privacy. It will be better if we as parents maintain an open line of communication with our children as to the happenings around them specially with their out of school activities so that the proper guidance will be given them.

]]> By: Rhi and Alli http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/snooping-on-kids/comment-page-2/#comment-50084 Rhi and Alli Thu, 20 Nov 2008 20:55:51 +0000 http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/snooping-on-kids/#comment-50084 parents shouldnt snoop its an invasion of privacy. thay should only look at there kids personal emails if they know the child is into something they are not supposed to be. parents should talk openly with children instead of snooping behind their backs. parents shouldnt snoop its an invasion of privacy. thay should only look at there kids personal emails if they know the child is into something they are not supposed to be. parents should talk openly with children instead of snooping behind their backs.

]]> By: Maria http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/snooping-on-kids/comment-page-2/#comment-41817 Maria Mon, 09 Jun 2008 02:12:45 +0000 http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/snooping-on-kids/#comment-41817 everyone should agree with me everyone should agree with me

]]> By: Maria http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/snooping-on-kids/comment-page-2/#comment-41815 Maria Mon, 09 Jun 2008 01:44:54 +0000 http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/snooping-on-kids/#comment-41815 I think as a mom we should take control of our childen because when they turn 18 they get rebell and think they could d o whatever they want since they are18 years old. and thats wht they get into drugs, gangs, etc... and then people complain why our children are like that aand think that we are bad parents but, it cause when they turn 18 we can't take control of their live anymore... I think as a mom we should take control of our childen because when they turn 18 they get rebell and think they could d o whatever they want since they are18 years old. and thats wht they get into drugs, gangs, etc… and then people complain why our children are like that aand think that we are bad parents but, it cause when they turn 18 we can’t take control of their live anymore…

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]]> By: Esti http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/snooping-on-kids/comment-page-2/#comment-22347 Esti Thu, 05 Jul 2007 11:03:44 +0000 http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/snooping-on-kids/#comment-22347 We just had this conversation this past week. A friend of our just told us that he put a keylogger on his teenage daughter's accounts because he was concerned about the chat rooms she visited. This was a reaction that was too little, too late, and too sneaky. Just the next morning at the breakfast table I had the conversation with my 10 and 12 year old daughters, to reinforce what has always been our policy (computer with internet access is at the junction of living room, dining room, kitchen of our home; 5 kids vying for computer time are very good at monitoring attempted infractions :-) -- I get to approve of who they IM (only people I know), what websites they visit, and that there is NO EXPECTATION OF PRIVACY when it comes to their SAFETY, even as teens. Also, that no plans may be made online, only by phone. They are already trained to NEVER use their actual names online. We gotten to the cell phone point yet, but when we do they will have GPS and be used mainly (I am not a total ogre) for contacting parents. We just had this conversation this past week. A friend of our just told us that he put a keylogger on his teenage daughter’s accounts because he was concerned about the chat rooms she visited. This was a reaction that was too little, too late, and too sneaky.

Just the next morning at the breakfast table I had the conversation with my 10 and 12 year old daughters, to reinforce what has always been our policy (computer with internet access is at the junction of living room, dining room, kitchen of our home; 5 kids vying for computer time are very good at monitoring attempted infractions :-) — I get to approve of who they IM (only people I know), what websites they visit, and that there is NO EXPECTATION OF PRIVACY when it comes to their SAFETY, even as teens. Also, that no plans may be made online, only by phone. They are already trained to NEVER use their actual names online.

We gotten to the cell phone point yet, but when we do they will have GPS and be used mainly (I am not a total ogre) for contacting parents.

]]> By: Rose http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/snooping-on-kids/comment-page-2/#comment-19202 Rose Sun, 15 Apr 2007 12:12:48 +0000 http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/snooping-on-kids/#comment-19202 I have four children ages and have had various experiences. I also work with children and families every single day. My oldest I never monitored on the computer. I kept it in a public place and limited his time on it. I never had anything beyond the normal teen age problems with him. The second child basically was on the same road until I started having issues with her junior and senior year. She was sent home drunk from the prom, and I installed monitoring software right after, and discovered she had started a secret life which included a lot of partying (alcohol and pot). I restricted her from her party friends and stopped monitoring the computer (our of conflicting feelings about it)so in essense I monitored for about a week. She earned back her privelages, and senior year started out. Things were good for awhile, but I suspected sneaking was going on. I didn't monitor, she was home at curfew time, grades were good, no overt signs of alcohol or drug usage. In the winter I began suspecting she was using pot and drinking again. I didn't monitor the situation worsened and she became out of control. After a lot of work, limits, privelages being revoked, no cell phone at all for over a year and a half, she is better and in college. SHe still has some lingering issues though. I now monitor the computer. I installed a great monitoring program on the family computer. I have a fifteen year old and an 11 year old. It blocks myspace (it will monitor it for you too) but I just blocked it ..easier who needs to deal with it. It gives you all of thier history, all the websites they go to. If you notice any red flags or inappropriate ones, you can block them. It monitors all their chat/instant messaging. If you notice antying inappropriate you can block. I already have blocked a person imming my son who I believe was a predator and have come across innocent conversations about school work which turned into the person telling him they were rolling joints and asking him if his parents were home (blocked that person). When he asks to go out, I can easily review the IM's to determine if things are on the up and up. He is doing very well right now. I also can initate conversations bc I know what is on his mind. I can set a timer for him on the computer to limit time on, but instead I have the computer password protected and they have to ask to have it on. I don't want any of my children on when I am not at home. I think moniotirng is something every parent should do. The "wrong crowd" can now enter your home easily through your home computer. I also don't think children should have cell phones until college (unless they are extremely responsible) and if they do they should have NO camera, NO internet access and should have a caperone GPS system. The cell phone must be monitored as well. Between the computer and the cell, kids can easily lead a secret life. IF i had been monioring I think I'd have had an easier time averting drug and alcohol issues with my second child. I have four children ages and have had various experiences. I also work with children and families every single day. My oldest I never monitored on the computer. I kept it in a public place and limited his time on it. I never had anything beyond the normal teen age problems with him. The second child basically was on the same road until I started having issues with her junior and senior year. She was sent home drunk from the prom, and I installed monitoring software right after, and discovered she had started a secret life which included a lot of partying (alcohol and pot). I restricted her from her party friends and stopped monitoring the computer (our of conflicting feelings about it)so in essense I monitored for about a week.
She earned back her privelages, and senior year started out. Things were good for awhile, but I suspected sneaking was going on. I didn’t monitor, she was home at curfew time, grades were good, no overt signs of alcohol or drug usage. In the winter I began suspecting she was using pot and drinking again. I didn’t monitor the situation worsened and she became out of control. After a lot of work, limits, privelages being revoked, no cell phone at all for over a year and a half, she is better and in college. SHe still has some lingering issues though. I now monitor the computer. I installed a great monitoring program on the family computer. I have a fifteen year old and an 11 year old. It blocks myspace (it will monitor it for you too) but I just blocked it ..easier who needs to deal with it. It gives you all of thier history, all the websites they go to. If you notice any red flags or inappropriate ones, you can block them. It monitors all their chat/instant messaging. If you notice antying inappropriate you can block. I already have blocked a person imming my son who I believe was a predator and have come across innocent conversations about school work which turned into the person telling him they were rolling joints and asking him if his parents were home (blocked that person). When he asks to go out, I can easily review the IM’s to determine if things are on the up and up. He is doing very well right now. I also can initate conversations bc I know what is on his mind. I can set a timer for him on the computer to limit time on, but instead I have the computer password protected and they have to ask to have it on. I don’t want any of my children on when I am not at home. I think moniotirng is something every parent should do. The “wrong crowd” can now enter your home easily through your home computer. I also don’t think children should have cell phones until college (unless they are extremely responsible) and if they do they should have NO camera, NO internet access and should have a caperone GPS system. The cell phone must be monitored as well. Between the computer and the cell, kids can easily lead a secret life. IF i had been monioring I think I’d have had an easier time averting drug and alcohol issues with my second child.

]]> By: Deb http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/snooping-on-kids/comment-page-2/#comment-9835 Deb Tue, 23 Jan 2007 19:49:32 +0000 http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/snooping-on-kids/#comment-9835 Yay!, I finally found some advice for parenting an 18 year old. My daughter lives at home, goes to a community college and works. She has a MySpace that I've monitored since she's had it (a few years). She also had an online journal which I've had to take away for a period of time for punishment because of bad language, she doesn't have this anymore though. We are very close and are very much alike, finish each others sentences, etc. Now she has a boyfriend and is MADLY in love. So, I don't matter anymore (pitiful me :)). She has a Mac laptop that she has to log on to with a password to use. When it's on and she is gone, I tend to snoop. I go into her history to see what she's been up to. Yesterday I found porn sites that she has been visiting. I'm not sure if she and her boyfriend and doing this together or what. So far she is a virgin but not for long. I've made an appointment for her to go to the GYN to get on birth control. I realize, when you are 18 and in love, things happen and I just want her to be protected. I never thought my girls would stay virgins until they marry, I didn't!! But this really disturbs me. I don't want her to know I snoop and don't know what to do. Any advice would be appreciated. Yay!, I finally found some advice for parenting an 18 year old. My daughter lives at home, goes to a community college and works. She has a MySpace that I’ve monitored since she’s had it (a few years). She also had an online journal which I’ve had to take away for a period of time for punishment because of bad language, she doesn’t have this anymore though. We are very close and are very much alike, finish each others sentences, etc. Now she has a boyfriend and is MADLY in love. So, I don’t matter anymore (pitiful me :) ). She has a Mac laptop that she has to log on to with a password to use. When it’s on and she is gone, I tend to snoop. I go into her history to see what she’s been up to. Yesterday I found porn sites that she has been visiting. I’m not sure if she and her boyfriend and doing this together or what. So far she is a virgin but not for long. I’ve made an appointment for her to go to the GYN to get on birth control. I realize, when you are 18 and in love, things happen and I just want her to be protected. I never thought my girls would stay virgins until they marry, I didn’t!! But this really disturbs me. I don’t want her to know I snoop and don’t know what to do. Any advice would be appreciated.

]]> By: Holly http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/snooping-on-kids/comment-page-2/#comment-9413 Holly Wed, 17 Jan 2007 14:44:48 +0000 http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/snooping-on-kids/#comment-9413 Okay, I have teenagers of my own and they are on the computer quite often.. I also have fosterchildren who are on the computer and I can't always moniter their every move. Although I do believe in childrens privacy to an extent, they are still children. I do have a program on my computer that records everything that they type, every instant message and even takes snapshots of websites.it records everything they type on myspace etc..("IAMBIGBROTHER"is the name of the program, and it is not expensive at all).... some may call it extreme, but I am trying to keep my kids safe in a world that is desensitizing our children to things that 20 years ago we would have cringed at. Yes, times change and generations change I agree, but does that mean that we have to let our kids be exposed to everything? I need to know who they hang out with who their friends are. I need to know what they are doing on the internet and where they have been. My responsibility as a mother is to raise my child into a healthy responsible adult and if they mess up while they are still young guess who is responsible? The court will look at me and say why didn't you get this child the help they needed? I do check up on my kids, I have too and I don't have a problem letting them know that. Okay, I have teenagers of my own and they are on the computer quite often.. I also have fosterchildren who are on the computer and I can’t always moniter their every move. Although I do believe in childrens privacy to an extent, they are still children. I do have a program on my computer that records everything that they type, every instant message and even takes snapshots of websites.it records everything they type on myspace etc..(“IAMBIGBROTHER”is the name of the program, and it is not expensive at all)…. some may call it extreme, but I am trying to keep my kids safe in a world that is desensitizing our children to things that 20 years ago we would have cringed at. Yes, times change and generations change I agree, but does that mean that we have to let our kids be exposed to everything?

I need to know who they hang out with who their friends are. I need to know what they are doing on the internet and where they have been. My responsibility as a mother is to raise my child into a healthy responsible adult and if they mess up while they are still young guess who is responsible? The court will look at me and say why didn’t you get this child the help they needed?

I do check up on my kids, I have too and I don’t have a problem letting them know that.

]]> By: Kristi Kennedy http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/snooping-on-kids/comment-page-2/#comment-8755 Kristi Kennedy Sun, 07 Jan 2007 03:48:23 +0000 http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/snooping-on-kids/#comment-8755 I have a 20 year old daughter and a 17 year old daughter, wow, those teenage years are rough ones, but I am a survivor! My 20 year old was pretty much the model first child, pleaser, didn't ever get into too much trouble. My 17 year old has experienced severe depression, bad choices, etc. I will say that when you have a bad feeling, definitely search and try to find things that will help you help your children. If I had not snooped, it would have probably taken us longer to find out about her problems. She is doing great currently, but it has not been an easy road. Our christianity has kept us going, prayer is a powerful thing! I have a 20 year old daughter and a 17 year old daughter, wow, those teenage years are rough ones, but I am a survivor! My 20 year old was pretty much the model first child, pleaser, didn’t ever get into too much trouble. My 17 year old has experienced severe depression, bad choices, etc. I will say that when you have a bad feeling, definitely search and try to find things that will help you help your children. If I had not snooped, it would have probably taken us longer to find out about her problems. She is doing great currently, but it has not been an easy road. Our christianity has kept us going, prayer is a powerful thing!

]]> By: Jennifer http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/snooping-on-kids/comment-page-2/#comment-8637 Jennifer Wed, 03 Jan 2007 23:16:02 +0000 http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/snooping-on-kids/#comment-8637 Thanks to all who commented!It is refreshing to read comments from so many parents who genuinely care about their kids. Gordon - You are not a male chauvenist, quite the contrary. Rather than shoving the role of parenting and caretaking off on the moms, you recognize the great importance of your role as a parent. I teach seventh grade. Quite often I see both boys and girls with serious issues because their fathers do not see the relevance of their participation in their children's lives. Those students who have two parents who present a united front, as mentioned by Bruce, and who participate in a good relationship with their kids tend to be much more secure in themselves (not easy for any seventh grader).They also tend to choose better friends and make better choices in general. Regarding the comments on snooping: I agree with all who said that your children are your business. For those struggling with 17 & 18+ year olds and the rules in your household, I agree with T's mom, if you live at home you must follow the rules. "Adults don't live with their parents..." Many of us have/have had 18 year olds who are legally adults, but are still in high school because of they started school late (due to birthday/age) or were placed in D-1 programs, etc. This can sometimes cloud our thinking, because the world says that they should be permitted to do what they wish. I disagree. My husband and I have a 20 year old boy and a 13 year old girl. Our son turned 18 during the summer before his senior year. Therefore he was quite appalled when he made a poor choice and we grounded him from his truck for three days. In general, he is a good kid, but we all make mistakes. Of course he was annoyed with us because he was 18 and owned his own truck. We explained to him that he had not made an adult decision therefore his adult privileges were being revoked for a few days. He could go most any place he needed or wanted to, but he would have to make arrangements for his father or I to take him. We worked around our schedules some, but did not go way out of our way to upset the usual daily schedules. As advised by another parent in this blog, we used the transit time to visit with him about every day life. He enjoyed the time to visit inspite of himself. We only had to implement this twice during his senior year. We had a lot of pleasant days in between because he knew we loved him and expected him to make good choices. If not there would be consequences, just like there are for adults. That is real life! He sometimes thinks we are "nosey", but we remind him regularly that even married adults have the decency to check in with one anther as to where we will be and with whom. It is common courtesy. I also remind him as a mom that my concern for his well being will not change. I am 41 years old and my parents still worry about whether or not I am safe and well. That issue doesn't change, so he may as well accept it. To those who said make your home "The spot", you are right. My mother always quoted her grandmother in saying, "If ya know where they is, ya know where they ain't." lol - I love that saying, now that I am parent. My home was "The spot" when I grew up, we've tried to do the same with our home now. I know I am going on, so just one last thing. My son stayed home to do the Jr. College thing for 1 1/2 years. He is moving out this week to go to a university two hours away. Between moving and his truck transmission going out he had no money at Christmas, so he gave us a letter as gift. (Okay, now I am crying.)In the letter he thanked us for raising him the way we did. He personally addressed each of us. If he had had a million dollars to spend on us this Christmas, I would not have taken it over this treasured letter. I know it sounds cliche, but hang in there folks! Pray a lot and hang on. The ride is worth it! P.S. We pray that we will do as well with our 13 year old girl. She is into the computer, phone, etc. and your advise is being taken very seriously. I have learned much today.I am sure we are headed for much excitment these next few years to come. Yippee! Here go into the teen years again. : ) Thanks to all who commented!It is refreshing to read comments from so many parents who genuinely care about their kids.

Gordon – You are not a male chauvenist, quite the contrary. Rather than shoving the role of parenting and caretaking off on the moms, you recognize the great importance of your role as a parent.

I teach seventh grade. Quite often I see both boys and girls with serious issues because their fathers do not see the relevance of their participation in their children’s lives. Those students who have two parents who present a united front, as mentioned by Bruce, and who participate in a good relationship with their kids tend to be much more secure in themselves (not easy for any seventh grader).They also tend to choose better friends and make better choices in general.

Regarding the comments on snooping: I agree with all who said that your children are your business.

For those struggling with 17 & 18+ year olds and the rules in your household, I agree with T’s mom, if you live at home you must follow the rules. “Adults don’t live with their parents…”

Many of us have/have had 18 year olds who are legally adults, but are still in high school because of they started school late (due to birthday/age) or were placed in D-1 programs, etc. This can sometimes cloud our thinking, because the world says that they should be permitted to do what they wish. I disagree.

My husband and I have a 20 year old boy and a 13 year old girl. Our son turned 18 during the summer before his senior year. Therefore he was quite appalled when he made a poor choice and we grounded him from his truck for three days. In general, he is a good kid, but we all make mistakes. Of course he was annoyed with us because he was 18 and owned his own truck.

We explained to him that he had not made an adult decision therefore his adult privileges were being revoked for a few days. He could go most any place he needed or wanted to, but he would have to make arrangements for his father or I to take him. We worked around our schedules some, but did not go way out of our way to upset the usual daily schedules. As advised by another parent in this blog, we used the transit time to visit with him about every day life. He enjoyed the time to visit inspite of himself.

We only had to implement this twice during his senior year. We had a lot of pleasant days in between because he knew we loved him and expected him to make good choices. If not there would be consequences, just like there are for adults. That is real life!

He sometimes thinks we are “nosey”, but we remind him regularly that even married adults have the decency to check in with one anther as to where we will be and with whom. It is common courtesy. I also remind him as a mom that my concern for his well being will not change. I am 41 years old and my parents still worry about whether or not I am safe and well. That issue doesn’t change, so he may as well accept it.

To those who said make your home “The spot”, you are right. My mother always quoted her grandmother in saying, “If ya know where they is, ya know where they ain’t.” lol – I love that saying, now that I am parent. My home was “The spot” when I grew up, we’ve tried to do the same with our home now.

I know I am going on, so just one last thing. My son stayed home to do the Jr. College thing for 1 1/2 years. He is moving out this week to go to a university two hours away. Between moving and his truck transmission going out he had no money at Christmas, so he gave us a letter as gift. (Okay, now I am crying.)In the letter he thanked us for raising him the way we did. He personally addressed each of us. If he had had a million dollars to spend on us this Christmas, I would not have taken it over this treasured letter. I know it sounds cliche, but hang in there folks! Pray a lot and hang on. The ride is worth it!

P.S. We pray that we will do as well with our 13 year old girl. She is into the computer, phone, etc. and your advise is being taken very seriously. I have learned much today.I am sure we are headed for much excitment these next few years to come. Yippee! Here go into the teen years again. : )

]]> By: Sharon http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/snooping-on-kids/comment-page-2/#comment-8599 Sharon Tue, 02 Jan 2007 19:08:56 +0000 http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/snooping-on-kids/#comment-8599 Mom of seven, So true... I grew up the same way and my family is still so close. My husband grew up differently and his family is not nearly as close. It is amazing how much of the way we were brought up infleunces how we parent. I applaud any parent who is willing to put the importance of family over co-existing under the same roof. Mom of seven,

So true… I grew up the same way and my family is still so close. My husband grew up differently and his family is not nearly as close. It is amazing how much of the way we were brought up infleunces how we parent.

I applaud any parent who is willing to put the importance of family over co-existing under the same roof.

]]> By: Susan http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/snooping-on-kids/comment-page-2/#comment-8593 Susan Tue, 02 Jan 2007 18:36:10 +0000 http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/snooping-on-kids/#comment-8593 We have four 17 year old boys... and our household rule is that there is no such thing as "My Space" - it is "Our Space" and the internet is a public domain - what's more, the computer in the house belongs to my husband and me, including the internet connection - what does that mean for the boys? That when they make a choice to go online, they are making a choice to bring what they may consider "private" into the "public eye" which might include our eyes. If we have cause for concern or make a choice to go back and look at any logs (we use chat record software, password recorders, etc.) then we can exercise that option. If we find anything we deem to be inappropriate then it comes off and we may suspend their computer priviledges for awhile. The guideline is, "if you would be embarrassed for Grandma to see it, then don't post it or write it." Their friends know that we can access their sites and we have alerted parents when we are concerned about information that the kids are posting. Our goal is for the boys to learn how to use the technology and resources appropriately... amazing, when I was a teenager we had phones with cords, 8-tracks and cassette tapes with no such thing as "explicit lyrics" and rated R meant "forget it, you'll have to read the book". They have done really well overall - they have each had one learning experience, and the whole thing has been a learning experience for us as parents! We have four 17 year old boys… and our household rule is that there is no such thing as “My Space” – it is “Our Space” and the internet is a public domain – what’s more, the computer in the house belongs to my husband and me, including the internet connection – what does that mean for the boys? That when they make a choice to go online, they are making a choice to bring what they may consider “private” into the “public eye” which might include our eyes. If we have cause for concern or make a choice to go back and look at any logs (we use chat record software, password recorders, etc.) then we can exercise that option. If we find anything we deem to be inappropriate then it comes off and we may suspend their computer priviledges for awhile. The guideline is, “if you would be embarrassed for Grandma to see it, then don’t post it or write it.”

Their friends know that we can access their sites and we have alerted parents when we are concerned about information that the kids are posting. Our goal is for the boys to learn how to use the technology and resources appropriately… amazing, when I was a teenager we had phones with cords, 8-tracks and cassette tapes with no such thing as “explicit lyrics” and rated R meant “forget it, you’ll have to read the book”.

They have done really well overall – they have each had one learning experience, and the whole thing has been a learning experience for us as parents!

]]> By: Stacey http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/snooping-on-kids/comment-page-2/#comment-8569 Stacey Tue, 02 Jan 2007 12:52:17 +0000 http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/snooping-on-kids/#comment-8569 Amen Mom of seven, we too took less money and more dad. It's a challenge financially, but your children are only young for a short time. It's worth the time. Amen Mom of seven,
we too took less money and more dad. It’s a challenge financially, but your children are only young for a short time. It’s worth the time.

]]> By: Sharon http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/snooping-on-kids/comment-page-2/#comment-8554 Sharon Mon, 01 Jan 2007 20:17:33 +0000 http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/snooping-on-kids/#comment-8554 Well said!! Our son is only a toddler, but I find the input of parents going through this so helpful b/c it is going to be ten times worse when our son is this age and I like being able to think about how we are going to handle things when they come up. Very good advice mom of 7. Thanks!! Well said!! Our son is only a toddler, but I find the input of parents going through this so helpful b/c it is going to be ten times worse when our son is this age and I like being able to think about how we are going to handle things when they come up. Very good advice mom of 7. Thanks!!

]]> By: Sharon http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/snooping-on-kids/comment-page-2/#comment-8514 Sharon Sat, 30 Dec 2006 15:09:52 +0000 http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/snooping-on-kids/#comment-8514 I agree with that JL, and I respect that you check up on your son. I was more or less talking about the kids who can't handle the priviledge of having my space or who don't have parents who are checking up on them regulary. College can be a really scary place and I would never suggest sheltering our kids from everything bad, just being actively involved while we still have them under our roofs. I agree with that JL, and I respect that you check up on your son. I was more or less talking about the kids who can’t handle the priviledge of having my space or who don’t have parents who are checking up on them regulary.

College can be a really scary place and I would never suggest sheltering our kids from everything bad, just being actively involved while we still have them under our roofs.

]]> By: JL http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/snooping-on-kids/comment-page-2/#comment-8505 JL Fri, 29 Dec 2006 22:29:21 +0000 http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/snooping-on-kids/#comment-8505 I really wish My Space didn't exist, but I also see the reality of well-protected kids who get to college and become suddenly obsessed with their new found priveledges. I allow MYSPACE only because a can log everything if I wish, and then talkd to them about it...basicly confront when it's necessary. And the alternative is that they go on at a friends house instead. I'm afraid to ground a handsome, young bright 17 yr. old so long that he rebels completely and misses out on his current goals...college, med school, etc. I really wish My Space didn’t exist, but I also see the reality of well-protected kids who get to college and become suddenly obsessed with their new found priveledges. I allow MYSPACE only because a can log everything if I wish, and then talkd to them about it…basicly confront when it’s necessary. And the alternative is that they go on at a friends house instead. I’m afraid to ground a handsome, young bright 17 yr. old so long that he rebels completely and misses out on his current goals…college, med school, etc.

]]> By: Sharon http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/snooping-on-kids/comment-page-2/#comment-8504 Sharon Fri, 29 Dec 2006 19:58:16 +0000 http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/snooping-on-kids/#comment-8504 My Space should not be allowed. Why even put those teptations in front of your child so easily? They are constantly bombarded with pressure to do things they aren't ready for and now we know of a very specific pressure (my space) and yet we still let our kids walk very close to the edge. I don't get it!! I agree with mom to 4 special kids, make the place to "hang out" your place. My Space should not be allowed. Why even put those teptations in front of your child so easily? They are constantly bombarded with pressure to do things they aren’t ready for and now we know of a very specific pressure (my space) and yet we still let our kids walk very close to the edge.

I don’t get it!! I agree with mom to 4 special kids, make the place to “hang out” your place.

]]> By: Mom to four special kids http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/snooping-on-kids/comment-page-2/#comment-8502 Mom to four special kids Fri, 29 Dec 2006 17:46:27 +0000 http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/snooping-on-kids/#comment-8502 When kids are 17, unfortunately, there really isn't a whole lot you can do. You can not allow him on the computer, make a list of rules that he is required to sign, and of course, YES I would say contact the father - however, my experience with other parents of kids in this age group is that the pervasive attitude is that young adults will do what they are going to do. I have put my mouth (and frequently my foot) in it more times than I can count - just recently in fact. My 18 year old has a very sweet girlfriend who is culturally different... Her mother lives overseas and she is here with her Dad who is a single Dad. I walked into his room the other day and they were "snuggling" on his bed watching the Princess Bride. Well, I was VERY firm about this being inappropriate - understanding the entire time that unfortunately he IS an adult. They both understood however, that I have three younger children aged 15, 10 and 6 - two of whom are "in the autism spectrum" and tend to copy (exactly to every embarassing detail) what their big brother does. Aside from the small I am embarassed look I got it went well... Also, I have had great luck with encouraging the kids to hang out at my house - if your house becomes "the spot" than you will have much more control and awareness of what is going on.... Just my thoughts When kids are 17, unfortunately, there really isn’t a whole lot you can do. You can not allow him on the computer, make a list of rules that he is required to sign, and of course, YES I would say contact the father – however, my experience with other parents of kids in this age group is that the pervasive attitude is that young adults will do what they are going to do.

I have put my mouth (and frequently my foot) in it more times than I can count – just recently in fact. My 18 year old has a very sweet girlfriend who is culturally different… Her mother lives overseas and she is here with her Dad who is a single Dad. I walked into his room the other day and they were “snuggling” on his bed watching the Princess Bride. Well, I was VERY firm about this being inappropriate – understanding the entire time that unfortunately he IS an adult. They both understood however, that I have three younger children aged 15, 10 and 6 – two of whom are “in the autism spectrum” and tend to copy (exactly to every embarassing detail) what their big brother does. Aside from the small I am embarassed look I got it went well… Also, I have had great luck with encouraging the kids to hang out at my house – if your house becomes “the spot” than you will have much more control and awareness of what is going on….

Just my thoughts

]]> By: JL http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/snooping-on-kids/comment-page-1/#comment-8501 JL Fri, 29 Dec 2006 17:15:58 +0000 http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/snooping-on-kids/#comment-8501 Okay, now what do I do? I've done the "snooping" to find out that my 17 yr old boy is constantly being invited on Myspace to "hang out" with girls he meets ("lol") and get romantic...my assumption since the emails are crowded with very flirtatious comments, and I see them swoon when I meet them...invitations are to hot tubs,(even sweet little Sunday School teachers) and indicate that they hope things are "over" between him and someone else....(some of these teenage girls are turning themselves into call girls; and the parents are fine with it...as long as a brother is home. Anyway, he seems pretty intent on trying to sneak away at any opportunity to see one girl my husband refers to as "the snake". He knows we know he tried, but now thinks I can't read his mail because he changed the password at a friend's house....tried to throw me off by sending each other good ridance messages first. It's been a valuable tool to thwart his efforts, so I'm almost wanting to not let him know I can still monitor it, specifically, although he knows I monitor some from home. I've spoken with him (dad has too) and his brother about how there's a whole lot between that first hug and sex that is still very inappropriate. I've referred to a snowball effect with raging of hormones, but with an alcoholic dad who's sometimes not there for him, I feel like he's looking for love in the wrong place. I try to be loving, and tell him frequently that I love him "fiercely", but you know teen boys and moms...our culture stiffles mother/son affection, and I can't force things on him. My handsome Uncle lives a gay lifestyle, and my Grandma felt she had something to do with this reaction when she discouraged a courtship he once had with a girl. My gut reaction is to go to this girls home and talk to her (she's without a dad) and tell her to leave my son alone. Okay, now what do I do? I’ve done the “snooping” to find out that my 17 yr old boy is constantly being invited on Myspace to “hang out” with girls he meets (“lol”) and get romantic…my assumption since the emails are crowded with very flirtatious comments, and I see them swoon when I meet them…invitations are to hot tubs,(even sweet little Sunday School teachers) and indicate that they hope things are “over” between him and someone else….(some of these teenage girls are turning themselves into call girls; and the parents are fine with it…as long as a brother is home. Anyway, he seems pretty intent on trying to sneak away at any opportunity to see one girl my husband refers to as “the snake”. He knows we know he tried, but now thinks I can’t read his mail because he changed the password at a friend’s house….tried to throw me off by sending each other good ridance messages first. It’s been a valuable tool to thwart his efforts, so I’m almost wanting to not let him know I can still monitor it, specifically, although he knows I monitor some from home.

I’ve spoken with him (dad has too) and his brother about how there’s a whole lot between that first hug and sex that is still very inappropriate. I’ve referred to a snowball effect with raging of hormones, but with an alcoholic dad who’s sometimes not there for him, I feel like he’s looking for love in the wrong place.

I try to be loving, and tell him frequently that I love him “fiercely”, but you know teen boys and moms…our culture stiffles mother/son affection, and I can’t force things on him. My handsome Uncle lives a gay lifestyle, and my Grandma felt she had something to do with this reaction when she discouraged a courtship he once had with a girl.

My gut reaction is to go to this girls home and talk to her (she’s without a dad) and tell her to leave my son alone.

]]> By: Sharon http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/snooping-on-kids/comment-page-1/#comment-8500 Sharon Fri, 29 Dec 2006 16:09:12 +0000 http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/snooping-on-kids/#comment-8500 This isn't advice or any words of wisdom. I just wanted to tell all of you reading this that it is so refreshing to hear about parents who realize that their role as a parent is to set boundaries and not be afraid to be the parent. I really respect those of you who want to see your children make it to Heaven. It is incredibly hard to be a christian and EXTREMELY hard to be a teenage christian. If you find that it is not difficult, I would worry about you. So thank you to those of you parents who are willing to be the bad guy once in awhile to help your teen make it. This isn’t advice or any words of wisdom. I just wanted to tell all of you reading this that it is so refreshing to hear about parents who realize that their role as a parent is to set boundaries and not be afraid to be the parent.

I really respect those of you who want to see your children make it to Heaven. It is incredibly hard to be a christian and EXTREMELY hard to be a teenage christian. If you find that it is not difficult, I would worry about you.

So thank you to those of you parents who are willing to be the bad guy once in awhile to help your teen make it.

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