Let them have their privesty. i mean come on you should already know what your child is doing anyway. if not you better get to know them. spend time with them, love them, but always get your respect.

Over the past while I’ve gradually been loosening the reins with my 14-yr-old son – be trustworthy, get a looser rein.

He was wanting to go to a particular girl’s house today and was being kind of strange and evasive about it. I had had one of those mother’s feelings for a couple of days that trouble was up, asked for explanations, got none and said no a number of times over the course of the day, and he, hugely angry with me, then took off on his bike without notice. I rang him telling him to come home now and he said “when he feels like it”.

I then snooped – msn messenger logs. Found issues re a pregnancy scare, marijuana and an exceedingly manipulative girl. Told him when he finally got home and he was beside himself that I had snooped. He cried – not something he ever does. Announced he was moving out, rang his father and arranged to be picked up.

Suggestions on how to fix this would be gratefully received.

I guess that I need to explain a little… The foster girl that we had ,put straightpins in our ice cube trays, thinking that nobody would catch it. (She was 15)
She stole our debit card # and used it, plus accused us of beating her. We were investigated 2 times…..

Some of this info we would not have proof of had it not been for the program on the computer at the time. She was arrested by the State police.
She is gone now, over 18……

In no way did I ever say “CONTROL YOUR CHILDREN” …. You can’t…..

Give them room to grow and be thier own person. It’s okay…

“They will make mistakes”…but all that you can do is hope they learn a lesson, “They will break your heart”….wait….they will eventually apologize, AND ” They def. won’t listen to you all of the time, as they know it all”….

But you know what? You will have a much better relationship with them as they get older. Talk with them, Laugh with them and enjoy every moment that you have.

I think parents need to understand that there are substances that are out there and the only way to control their kids and to bring them to their senses is to teach them to use them responsibly (if at all). When I have kids, I will be letting them enjoy beer in the comfort of their own house (when they are at the right age) and if they want to try marijuana, I will organise it and smoke it with them. That way I know that they know their limits and they are doing it in a safe environment (rather than your daughter going to a party, getting stoned and then raped as a result).

It’s all well and good to put restrictions on, but I’ve become a sneak (which is something I’m not proud of) but it’s something I must do because my parents won’t allow me to do anything responsibly at home. There’s no point sheltering them from the real world, because when push comes to shove, they’re going to encounter drugs and alcohol at some point in their life. I do believe that it needs to be controlled though. You don’t want a junkie as a son/daughter…

How to get ripped abs!

Just the next morning at the breakfast table I had the conversation with my 10 and 12 year old daughters, to reinforce what has always been our policy (computer with internet access is at the junction of living room, dining room, kitchen of our home; 5 kids vying for computer time are very good at monitoring attempted infractions — I get to approve of who they IM (only people I know), what websites they visit, and that there is NO EXPECTATION OF PRIVACY when it comes to their SAFETY, even as teens. Also, that no plans may be made online, only by phone. They are already trained to NEVER use their actual names online.

We gotten to the cell phone point yet, but when we do they will have GPS and be used mainly (I am not a total ogre) for contacting parents.

I need to know who they hang out with who their friends are. I need to know what they are doing on the internet and where they have been. My responsibility as a mother is to raise my child into a healthy responsible adult and if they mess up while they are still young guess who is responsible? The court will look at me and say why didn’t you get this child the help they needed?

I do check up on my kids, I have too and I don’t have a problem letting them know that.

Gordon – You are not a male chauvenist, quite the contrary. Rather than shoving the role of parenting and caretaking off on the moms, you recognize the great importance of your role as a parent.

I teach seventh grade. Quite often I see both boys and girls with serious issues because their fathers do not see the relevance of their participation in their children’s lives. Those students who have two parents who present a united front, as mentioned by Bruce, and who participate in a good relationship with their kids tend to be much more secure in themselves (not easy for any seventh grader).They also tend to choose better friends and make better choices in general.

Regarding the comments on snooping: I agree with all who said that your children are your business.

For those struggling with 17 & 18+ year olds and the rules in your household, I agree with T’s mom, if you live at home you must follow the rules. “Adults don’t live with their parents…”

Many of us have/have had 18 year olds who are legally adults, but are still in high school because of they started school late (due to birthday/age) or were placed in D-1 programs, etc. This can sometimes cloud our thinking, because the world says that they should be permitted to do what they wish. I disagree.

My husband and I have a 20 year old boy and a 13 year old girl. Our son turned 18 during the summer before his senior year. Therefore he was quite appalled when he made a poor choice and we grounded him from his truck for three days. In general, he is a good kid, but we all make mistakes. Of course he was annoyed with us because he was 18 and owned his own truck.

We explained to him that he had not made an adult decision therefore his adult privileges were being revoked for a few days. He could go most any place he needed or wanted to, but he would have to make arrangements for his father or I to take him. We worked around our schedules some, but did not go way out of our way to upset the usual daily schedules. As advised by another parent in this blog, we used the transit time to visit with him about every day life. He enjoyed the time to visit inspite of himself.

We only had to implement this twice during his senior year. We had a lot of pleasant days in between because he knew we loved him and expected him to make good choices. If not there would be consequences, just like there are for adults. That is real life!

He sometimes thinks we are “nosey”, but we remind him regularly that even married adults have the decency to check in with one anther as to where we will be and with whom. It is common courtesy. I also remind him as a mom that my concern for his well being will not change. I am 41 years old and my parents still worry about whether or not I am safe and well. That issue doesn’t change, so he may as well accept it.

To those who said make your home “The spot”, you are right. My mother always quoted her grandmother in saying, “If ya know where they is, ya know where they ain’t.” lol – I love that saying, now that I am parent. My home was “The spot” when I grew up, we’ve tried to do the same with our home now.

I know I am going on, so just one last thing. My son stayed home to do the Jr. College thing for 1 1/2 years. He is moving out this week to go to a university two hours away. Between moving and his truck transmission going out he had no money at Christmas, so he gave us a letter as gift. (Okay, now I am crying.)In the letter he thanked us for raising him the way we did. He personally addressed each of us. If he had had a million dollars to spend on us this Christmas, I would not have taken it over this treasured letter. I know it sounds cliche, but hang in there folks! Pray a lot and hang on. The ride is worth it!

P.S. We pray that we will do as well with our 13 year old girl. She is into the computer, phone, etc. and your advise is being taken very seriously. I have learned much today.I am sure we are headed for much excitment these next few years to come. Yippee! Here go into the teen years again. : )

So true… I grew up the same way and my family is still so close. My husband grew up differently and his family is not nearly as close. It is amazing how much of the way we were brought up infleunces how we parent.

I applaud any parent who is willing to put the importance of family over co-existing under the same roof.

Their friends know that we can access their sites and we have alerted parents when we are concerned about information that the kids are posting. Our goal is for the boys to learn how to use the technology and resources appropriately… amazing, when I was a teenager we had phones with cords, 8-tracks and cassette tapes with no such thing as “explicit lyrics” and rated R meant “forget it, you’ll have to read the book”.

They have done really well overall – they have each had one learning experience, and the whole thing has been a learning experience for us as parents!

College can be a really scary place and I would never suggest sheltering our kids from everything bad, just being actively involved while we still have them under our roofs.