Until recently, the only time in my life I went gambling was with my buddies during my first year of teaching.  I was asked to play “penny poker,” and was told to bring a bunch of pennies, nickels and dimes.  Even though it was thirty years ago, I vividly remember what happened that night.  I turned over a Queen, and bet all of my change that the next card would be lower than a Queen.  That card was an Ace and I instantly became really angry.  Even though I did not lose much money, I was done with gambling–forever!

Then, this past November I took my friend to a University of Pittsburgh football game and we decided to eat lunch at the new first class Rivers Casino buffet.  I knew Bill had been to casinos before and gambled a bit, but gambling on this occasion was not even discussed.  We arrived 20 minutes before the buffet opened, and Bill found his favorite game of chance, the poker slot machines.  Bill played a couple of games, and showed me how Texas hold ‘em worked.  Well, within ten minutes I lost $20.

Question:  Did Bill pressure me to play Texas hold ‘em?  Was that an example of peer pressure? No, it was not peer pressure.  Bill didn’t:

a. Say,  “Play the slots or I won’t go to any more Pitt games with you.”
b. Say,  “Stop being a wimp.”
c. Say,  “You don’t have much money, so you can’t lose much; you might even win!”
d. Even ask me if I wanted to gamble.

I gambled because my friend’s enjoyment of modest gambling influenced me to want to try  it.  I was with someone who was willing to lose $20, so I was willing to lose $20.

The point is peer influence is a bigger issue than peer pressure. This is not to say that kids are not susceptible to peer pressure, but far more kids will choose to engage in behavior just because the people they are with are doing it.  Nobody has to say a word because nobody wants to be different.  Sometimes these situations are fairly harmless and sometimes they are very risky.

Peer pressure usually occurs in one of the following ways, as depicted in a,b,c,d above:

a.  Rejection
b.  Put down
c.  Reasoning
d.  Unspoken (often a better fit with peer influence)

Does peer pressure exist in the teen culture?  Yes, but it is not as problematic as many adults think it is.  If my high school daughter was leaving home to go to a school dance and I said,  “Now darling, don’t let anybody pressure you into doing something you don’t want to do,”  she would look at me like I was a dork.  We would create a problem, because we need credibility with our kids.  This approach is unrealistic because:

1. The teen culture is values neutral.  This is no right and wrong. Kids say, “That’s his choice.” Hooking-up isn’t wrong, cheating isn’t wrong, Chris Brown beating girlfriend Rihanna isn’t wrong.
2. In most cases, it is not cool to pressure someone into doing something.
3. To allow yourself to be pressured into doing something lowers your
status within the peer group.  Kids who party have respect for   students who don’t party.  If a clean cut kid gets drunk, he will lose  the respect of many others.

As I see it, there is peer pressure in three areas:

1. Kids pressure each other to have sex.  Guys pressure girls, guys pressure  other guys (a macho thing), and girls pressure other girls (misery loves company).
2. Kids who are not comfortable with themselves or with their standing in the peer group can be pressured into doing things in an effort to improve their standing in the group.
3.  Kids will pressure other kids if they need help doing something wrong.
(“Tell Mrs. Jones that you needed my help setting up for the  assembly.  I need you to tell her I was with you.”)

Peer Influence

The toughest pressure we face is the pressure we put on ourselves.  We want to fit in, be well-liked, be popular, be funny, and we don’t want to be different or be made fun of.  It is also possible we’re being influenced because we are curious.

Teen surveys support what I am saying.  Only 35% of teens report that they ever were pressured to do something by a peer, or pressured one of their friends.  However when asked, “Have you ever done something that you knew was wrong to possibly avoid being teased,” 50% said yes.  Internal pressure is greater than external pressure.  It is a fact of life that our peers influence our choices regardless of age, just as I was influenced to waste $20 gambling.  Teens are influenced to wear certain clothing, watch TV shows, get Facebook, and join peer groups.  Negatively, they are influenced to drink alcohol and have sex.

Helping Our Kids Make Good Decisions

1. We need to strengthen our children as they mature by:

a. Teaching our kids that they have the right to say no and they need to be  comfortable saying no. Their first obligation is to themselves.
b. Respecting their boundaries– when they say “Please stop nagging me”;  “OK mom, you can stop now”;  “I don’t want to invite him to my birthday party–it is my birthday,” we have to respect them.
c. Acknowledging their feelings and letting them express their feelings  (they are welcome to be mad, but they cannot mean).
d. Enhancing their uniqueness (they must realize they are their own  person, with strengths, needs, values and beliefs).
e. Supporting them as they struggle with making decisions; but we need to allow them to make decisions so they learn to make good choices.
f. Saying, “Just because somebody thinks something is right for them  doesn’t mean it is right for you.”

2. As they grow up, stress the importance of making friends with good people  (loyal, trustworthy, moral).
3. Prepare them for all new situations (trips to the mall, school dances, and walking to Starbucks after school are examples).  As the military motto states, Proper Preparation Prevents Poor Performance.
4. Focus on earned self-esteem. If our kids want to feel good about themselves, they have to earn that right.
5.  Every now and then when the opportunity presents itself, say “Don’t forget Janice, cool is when you don’t care if you are cool or not.”  This axiom is true!
6.  We all are influenced by our peers.  We need to discuss the influences that are harmful and against our values/morals, but not fight about the small things in life that aren’t harmful (crazy hair, going with the guys to play paint ball).
7. Discuss with our kids that just as there is negative peer influence/peer pressure, there is positive peer influence/pressure.  Great kids create their own norms and doing immoral or unhealthy things would cause them to be rejected from the group.  But just as importantly, we want our kids to be comfortable being vocal leaders with their friends and to speak up as soon as someone mentions doing something wrong.  Display leadership.

Examples:
“Joe, we’re not doing that.”
“Don’t be mean to Kyle; he’s odd but he doesn’t hurt anyone.”
“Carrie, I am not smoking and neither are you.”

*** The first response spoken by a peer after a teen suggests something harmful, unhealthy, immoral or illegal is very critical. If someone supports the lousy idea, there is a good chance things will proceed in that direction. But, if a teen with character and strength opposes the idea, there is a good chance the bad idea will be seen as such. Most kids are hesitant to speak up, but all it takes is for one kid to say no for others to agree.