The Golden Rule of Punishing Kids
There are modern parenting advisors who believe that punishing children is off-limits. They say that proper behaviors can be instilled in children without any punishments. However, punishment need not be defined as corporal punishment.
Banning corporal punishment and hitting is a reasonable position. The only exception might be the child who is not yet three years old who has done something severely dangerous, and cannot yet comprehend a verbal reprimand. Whether we like it or not, as parents, we are constantly leading by example, and when we hit our child because she did something we do not like, the little girl has learned two things; to take precautions not to get caught the next time she repeats this particular action, and when someone else who is smaller than she is does something against her liking, she should hit them.
When a child feels a loving relationship with her parents, a look of dismay, or a comment such as, “That makes me very sad, and I don’t want to feel that way about your behavior,” is a punishment in itself. Ignoring a child for a moment or two because, “Right now I’m too upset to talk to you,” or simply leaving the room sends a clear message of disapproval, and is normally enough of a punishment.
When do your children need to be reprimanded or removed from the situation where they acted out? When is it advisable to overlook your child’s negative conduct and minor infractions?
The golden rule of thumb is this: When a child has done something that is age-appropriate, no punishment is needed. Conversely, if a child committed an act that was totally inappropriate for her age, then you should punish him in one of the methods described above.
When a six-year-old refers to a guest as “the man with the big nose,” parents tend to get upset, however it is totally age-appropriate for a youngster to describe the features they see without any intention of insulting the person. It is a good idea to tell her that we do not talk about the way people look in front of them; however a punishment would be totally uncalled for.
Ask yourself this question, “Will she do it when she is eighteen?” If the answer is no, you can generally feel confident dealing with the situation without a negative reaction.
If the child’s deed is age-appropriate conduct, a gentle explanation of proper behavior will certainly suffice.
Spare the rod, spoil the child…this is a golden rule that we as parents must never forget. I don’t understand why these self made child professionals got their training from to think that punishing our children with a spank is wrong or is going to have some psychological impact on our children down the road.
I was spanked by my parents and teachers growing up for mistakes I did; they also spoke to me about them. 30 something years later, I am still the same person with no psychological problems.
The Bible clearly shows us in Proverbs about raising children, and one thing it says is, don’t spare the rod…but I warn you, use it wisely, not to hurt, but to instill discipline.
If you think I am crazy with my thoughts, go visit the many juvenile detention places in America and visit schools and see how rude kids are to know that, yester-years when parents could spank and not worry about some stupid law, things worked, respect for teachers was great, and kids succeeded. Today, none of those is there.
I agree with George and the other pro-spankers. Several important things I have to add from a sermon I heard on biblical discipline are these:
Punishing a child should never be immediate (although it should be shortly after). This gives you as a parent a minute to cool down so that you don’t punish in anger.
There should always be an implement of punishment (we use a rubber spatula, although my dad used a belt) instead of the hand. Older children need harsher equipment. Out of the times I was disciplined as a child, I don’t recall hurting more than a couple minutes after the punishment, the fear of knowing I was going to get punished was far worse than the punishment itself.
Have a set spot for any punishment. We use the middle couch cushion. When our daughter misbehaves, we hand her the spatula and tell her to go sit on the middle cushion. After our minute of cooling down we go sit down with her.
Explain what they did to deserve the punishment. This is where the loving attitude comes in. If you explain to them that God gave us charge of them and that if we don’t punish them for disobeying, we will be disobeying God.
When it is over, we make sure to tell her that it is over with and that she has paid the penalty for her disobedience. This is a stark contrast to the weak and ineffective timeout or grounding that is a mere inconvenience to the child and a pain to uphold for the parents. My mom always grounded me or gave me timeouts, my dad used the belt. I constantly pushed the limits with my mom, but when my dad laid down the law, I was always careful to listen. I still have a great relationship with both of my parents and am in no way violent or resentful toward my father.
all kids are different showing them the right way has to be different for each one.i have had over 200 kids in my care over the years i have spanked very few. i can’t care for county kids because i spanked.but the ones who it helped still come back.there is a woman trying to make spanking your child a crim like wife beating.we are losing
all our rights as parents. we learn by doing not folowing rules that could help a few but not all.
I am a parent of a 9 year old and I havent hit my child, and all this is all good to day no smacking children.
But you tell me as a mother who has a child who hits and swears at me. I have no life and never will tried everything. And nobody cares.
I try really hard not to hit my child. She has a speech delay and is very hyperactive. I used to hit her hand as I was told to do and taught to do by my family. It did not stop the behavior and then she started hitting me back when I did something she did not like. It could have really escalated out of control.
I was very lucky to have a parent educator explain to me that I had other tools in my toolbox as a parent. Time out works well with our child. Getting down on her level and asking her why she did something that was wrong usually helps me to understand her needs better.
I don’t hit because now I simply do not need to. The other tools have stopped bad behaviors I caused with spanking.
I loved the book ‘How to behave so your preschooler does too.’ It is SO TRUE! If I yell it teaches her yelling, if I hit then hitting, etc.
When my daughter stole a candy bar I took her immediately back into the store at age 2 and made her tell the clerk. I paid for the candy bar and then I told her she could have it after dinner because we paid for it. Did she understand? Maybe not perfectly at the time, but it was reinforced and I used the word ’steal’. Now she is almost 4 and tells her little brother ‘No Stealing’. I hope that helps the parent of the 5 year old….model honorable behavior and show your child you will hold him accountable for his actions.
I am trying to understand WHY others believe that they know best for all children. It is easy to say you don’t smack or yell at your children.And can judge other parents like the saying goes YOU CANNOT RAISE OTHER CHILDREN. As children are all different, like in different homes, environment. What works for you may not work for the next child.
I do not believe in home schooling is the best, especially if the child is the only one.
The other thing is that I do smack my child and do not regret doing it. when he needs it.
What I don’t except is that these parents and others that think they know everything about parenting and can judge us. There children are only 2-6 years old the drama isn’t as bad as a bad tempered strong boy that does what he things.
putting him in his room, sad courner, taking away his toys he dosnt care.
Bewfore my child heads himself in jail i give him the punership he needs when nothing else works
And before you judge me you try to deal with a child at 9 that has been brought up with love that you cannot even go shopping with him.
Its simple to take a 2 year old to the shop for stealing but try taking a 9 year old that hits, swears, and runs out to the shop with the stolen item.
When i do finnilly get him as he has to get home sometime i take it off him. Take it bach in the morning he has calmed down to the next event.
you try to displin my son without smacking.
Hi Stephanie, I don’t think anyone in this discussion has claimed to know what’s best for all children. We’re just sharing our stories and perspectives. I definitely don’t know everything about parenting, nor do I think I have the right to judge another parent, even though it seems others assume that’s what I’m doing.
I believe most parents are simply trying to do what’s right for their child. This is a very complicated world we live in, and every child is different, I absolutely agree with you. My point is simply that punishment (of whatever kind) doesn’t always get the results we hoped it would, which you are obviously seeing yourself.
It sounds like you are truly struggling and need some real help. I don’t think an online parenting site like this is going to be able to do that for you. We don’t know your story. We don’t know your son. Is there someplace locally that you could go for help? Could he possible have a sensory disorder?
Amanda
I recieved your e mail
To answer your question, no there is no help for my son and myself and no there isn’t anything wrong with him.
This is why we have so many problems with children today like you putting children in a box like saying they have a problem.
The only problem we have is judgement parents who believe they have all the answers but they know nothibg.
HOW DARE YOU stating that their is something wrong with my child, no wonder their is so many ADHD children of todasy.
But you are wright I hate this sight and I have close my account with it.
TOO MANY JUDGEMENTLE PARENTS LIKE YOU.
The only thing I want to do is to be brave anought to die then I will be the best parent of the year
People have pushed me this way who never leave me alloune but to judge me.
I don’t know if Amanda will receive this reply since she states she has closed her account. I feel for her and I understand what she is going through. I initially posted on this site over a year ago in regard to our son and just seeking some other fellow mom parenting advice. A year later we are still dealing with some of his issues. As it turns out, we found out he had a sugar imbalance and has to be on a low sugar diet, but our pediatrician and his father and I were also in tune to the fact that there was something else going on. We believe in spanking, but when it is warranted. However, in our son’s case, we were questioning this method as he was showing some anger issues and couldn’t justify spanking(hitting his bottom) when we were trying to teach him that hitting was wrong. So, we are now taking him for counseling once a week and we have all found out some things. NO, we are NOT bad parents, and NO there is nothing ‘wrong’ with our son. But, inside his 9 yr old mind, he feels unworthy about himself, he feels like he is less of a person than the other 3 of us in the family, and going to the counselor and having an outside person confirm with our son that he is a creation from God, he is loved, and he IS worthy, is helping. Our children are given to us for a ’season’ from our Father God and He knows we only do the best we can with the tools we have. I was brought up in a family as the oldest child, I was spanked (rather harshly) and as an adult I feel that my husband and I do not want to do this to our kids. This is NOT to say that my parents were wrong, we raise and teach our children the way we were raised and taught…but we can also choose to break this and do it OUR way. We have two totally different children and therefore we have two different discipline methods. Our older daughter is independent, was spanked one time as a child, and never needed it again…however, each child is different. God blessed us with one that is easily instructed and our son needs more instruction. I know that I am a good parent because God tells me I am…sometimes when our children ‘act’ out it may not be anything ‘wrong’…maybe the child is trying to cry out for some help or needs to say something and doesn’t know how. We are finding this with our son. The therapist is teaching him to control his anger, he is 9, old enough to know better, but as parents we are also learning that we need to make changes. I am going to pray for Amanda and all parents who are going through any sort of the same thing we are because nobody said it would be easy, nobody is an expert, we can only help guide one another, and in the end isn’t the same agenda for all of us parents? To love our children as God would love them…..
I wanted to correct my above post in that I was aiming it to Stephanie, who was replying to Amanda. Stephanie, I pray that you are still on this and we can all help each other.