Touch Hunger
by Ellen C. Braun
Filed under Communication, Emotional Development, Parenting Teenagers, Parenting Toddlers
Perhaps the most effective way to determine the value of an idea is to determine the negative effects that occur when that concept is missing.
Let’s examine the power of human touch regarding children and the accompanying effects that can result from insufficient physical contact.
Recent research in neuroscience has shown that loving touch is not an optional aspect of childrearing; it is essential for child development, and a lack of touch damages not only individuals, but our whole society. Loving touch releases the hormones oxytocin and dopamine, while infants who have not been touched have an increase in their levels of the stress hormone cortisol.
Electrical stimulation in laboratories demonstrates that pleasurable behavior and violent behavior are mutually exclusive. Like a light switch that can be either “on” or “off”- the human body can only handle one sensation- be it pleasure or violence- in a single moment. The results of the study testify that the more pleasurable feelings a human being experiences, the less likely violent urges are to surface.
Newborn animals that were placed in isolation invariably developed aggressive and self-destructive behaviors. Perhaps an increase in affectionate physical contact would move society towards world peace more effectively than political negotiations?!
For various reasons, Western society has become a “touch-hungry” culture where fear of lawsuits and social norms restrict tender touch outside of intimate relationships. There is an endless supply of “cradles” for our babies- bouncy seats, swings, and exersaucers- which all serve the purpose of freeing Mom or Dad’s hands to be busy with something other than holding and cuddling Baby.
Touch is a universal language that transcends verbal ability in communication. A squeeze of a hand, the pat on the back, or a gentle embrace, convey a primal message of comfort and tenderness.
A reassuring hug is the natural reaction towards the child who is upset or frustrated. Yet, what about those busy days where things go smoothly? Does the child lose out, in a certain respect, when she behaves well all day and does not receive that comforting embrace?
It is essential to incorporate non-responsive touch into our children’s day in order to provide the emotional and neurological benefits of touch. Try stroking your son’s hair while you do schoolwork together or rubbing your daughter’s back as he settles down to bed. These actions come more naturally when children are toddler or preschool age, as they grow older more of an effort needs to be made to remember to continue physical closeness.
Reading a story or watching a movie together is a beneficial time to put your arm around your child- even if she is a teenager! As children age, many will resist touch as they struggle to become independent. Don’t feel offended or insulted if your child is in that stage- rest assured that it is totally normal! Without any fanfare or comments, continue to brush his shoulder as you fix his color, or pat her back as you smooth her hair. Nobody is too old for demonstrative love, even if many a thirteen-year-old thinks so!
Infant massage is a wonderful manner of incorporating loving touch in a baby’s early years of development. There are many books and DVD‘s available that demonstrate effective techniques.
If you live with a partner, take the time and energy to make sure that you fulfill one another’s need for touch on a regular basis, or schedule a massage with a professional.
Our modern lifestyle includes phone conversations, text messages, and emails, which all serve to make us more “in touch” with each other- while the physical distance between us limits actually being “in touch”.
My son appreciates a back rub as he recounts the sports he played during recess at bedtime, even though he often resists hugs during the day. Discover the timing and methods of loving touch that work for your family and share your tips below!
Love this article, thanks for reposting and reminding! I don’t know anyone who is not touch-starved. Being reminded to give it generously is an awesome holiday thought!
A great reminder! My son (now 11), can’t fall asleep until I give him a little back rub. I know someday soon he will be “too old” for this, but I will continue to touch/hug him no matter what! lol
I work in an elementary 2nd grade classroom where all the children love hugs.Even those 8 yr. olds who are not in my classroom run up to get a hug in the hall way before threir day starts.A hug does wonders..A child was having a bad day a week ago and had gotten in trouble for disruptive behavior. A little encouragement and a hug was all it took for a turnaround!
Oh thank you Ellen, for being the purveyor of great information for us as parents and professionals working with ‘little souls’. I took this article to school and handed it out (in hard copy) to 80 of my psychology students and another 50 of my teaching colleagues. How easy it is to forget this basic human need. This applies also to elderly people who have lost the opportunity to be touched by family and friends in their nursing home environments. If you’ve ever given a foot massage to an elderly person, watch the expression on their faces change! Thanks again!!!! Aardy
Oh and I meant to add that you could start a website called “Nurturing Old Souls” as well as “Raising Small Souls”!
Remember that in our efforts to nurture & love our children through touch, not to forget to provide this nurturing to our partners. We are never too old to need loving touch.
I was just reading a book about the importance of touch when this hit my inbox. I find co-sleeping a wonderful way to stay in “touch” with each other. Even if my son is too busy to stop and cuddle during the day, he is a snuggle-bug at night. I can see how it will get harder though… It is so important. I crave my husbands warm touch every day and can’t wait for his hugs when he returns home.
Love this article!! A nice squeeze on the arm from an old friend in the grocery store, for instance, causes a sweeping relaxing warm comforting feeling, emotionally but even more so physically! It leaves me feeling the way I do after a nice massage. My lil one is very huggy! She will gaze at me and put her hand against my cheek and say how cute I am, LOL. I feel so good that her father and I have always been so affectionate and tender towards her, you can see it in how she reciprocates it and how she treats little animals. I am glad to see an article like this. I wish sometimes we could all just sit around and groom each other like apes. Seriously, though, the world would be a better place perhaps if we all took time to really reach out and touch someone literally.
Great Article!!!!! Thank you!!