The idea of lots of human attachment just makes sense. In the stone age if parents had set their babies down in another part of the cave and gone off to do other things the human species wouldn’t have survived very long! As a modern day mom I found that natural birth and immediate skin to skin contact was the first step. Breastfeeding provided tons of skin contact and bonding from immediately after birth until my kids outgrew their need to nurse. Carrying your baby instead of pushing them around in a stoller, snuggling, hugging, sleeping together, etc. are all ways to provide (and receive!) regular touching that we all need so much.

My kids are 14, 12, 9 and 6 now but I have practiced attachment parenting all their lives. I always carried them in my arms or in a fabric sling as infants and toddlers. If I brought a stroller I used it to push my “stuff” around (purse, diaper bag, toys, shopping bags, etc) and carried my child instead of the other way around. People would marvel and sometimes think I was strange. I used to go to the zoo regularly with a baby in the sling, a toddler by the hand and older kids running on ahead and a small fanny back with a diaper, and some money and that was it. I would see all these moms with huge wagons and unwieldy double strollers and wonder why they subjected themselves to hauling those heavy things in and out of the car and pushing them all over creation all in the name of not having to touch or hold their children. I would rather carry the heavy child than push or carry the heavy stroller all day!

Now that I have a teen and preteen the amount of human touching we share has decreased from when they were little, but I still make it a priority. I rub their back a little when they wake in the morning, hug and kiss them while seeing them off at the door when they leave for school, throw my arm around their shoulder or loop my arm in theirs when I am asking them about their day later and hug and kiss them at least once more before bed. Sometimes they are embarassed by me touching them in front of their friends so I make a point of hugging them before we leave the house so they can just shoot me a smile and a goodbye as they get out of the car when I am dropping them off somewhere and we have already had our chance to connect before we left.

Years ago I read somewhere that human touch drops to an all time low during the teen years. They are “too old” to be touched much by their parents anymore and too young to have a spouse or children yet to snuggle with. The article indicated that teens with the least amount of human touch from their families tended to be the most apt to be involved in physical relationships with other teens. I guess it is not surprising that teens seek physical touch from each other if human touch from other sources drops to an all time low at that point in their lives. I have never forgetten that article as it was very sad to realize that this whole population kind of gets over looked in terms of appropriate human touch. I read that article when my kids were smaller, but now that I have a teen myself I always make a point of remembering that he needs to be touched even though he may not always ask for it.

Go Hug Your Kid Everyone!

Please give me your thoughts on the subject.

Thanks!

Sorry, it just sounds like a crazy idea for me

I am a massage therapist and mother of a first grader who loves massage. I am one of many therapists teaching healthy touch to school children. I’ve received so many good responses…and yet many fearful people too who question what I am doing and even my integrity.

As someone with a history of sexual abuse I have a strong desire to help children with the concept and experience of healthy touch, how to establish boundaries and say no.

Respect is key.

So thank you for this article. Keep informing people of the vital need of touch It’s an idea whose time has come.

Nicole Mann, CMT

From a different point of view, when I was a kid I was very much into NOT being touched unless it was on my terms (which was never). I’m not sure why I was like that but my parents never questioned it and basically left me alone. Now that I’m an adult I really notice what I was missing as a child. I hate the fact that I refuse to let anyone comfort me out of habit. I was always told I was “strong” because I would not accept the affection and I learned to deal with my own problems by myself to a drastic point. I definitely regret not letting my parents hug me and I still have a kind of inner turmoil over that. I highly recommend for anyone that has a child like this, no matter how old, to just hug them anyway!! Even if it means they turn away and yell and act like you’ve got the plague…at least they’ll know that you care. And that will make a huge difference in their life later on.

School is a very stressful time for him and he is often overloaded when he gets home. I’ve found that reading to him every night has helped calm him for sleep and given him opportunity for touch as he’ll lay his head on my shoulder or I’ll put my arm around him. It is “our time” and he guards it jealously.

My 9 year old discovered in the last two years that she loves hugs and I’ve noticed a marked improvement in her behavior since then. She seldom responds or says anything if I rub her arm or pat her back but she is always calmer and happier afterwards. She has even recently started holding my hand in public again.

My youngest is my “barnicle baby” who has always needed a lot of touch. She still holds my hand when we go out and wants me to carry her all the time — luckily she is small for her age! She has used touch to claim her time with mommy away from her brother and sister.

As for being depleted at the end of the day, especially when you are homeschooling (I did this for 3 years) you *have* to claim your “me time.” I’d put on a video for the kids to watch and take a half an hour to read or take a bath. It is necessary, not selfish. Maybe take a walk after dinner while hubby plays with the kids, whatever replenishes you. If you are depleted you won’t have anything left at the end of the day to give to yourself or your spouse.

Thank you Ellen for this very insightful article.

So people lets give each other the feeling of being wanted. Everyone give atleast one person a hug everyday and please give it like you mean it. Believe me You would feel better than the reciever. It works like MAGIC!!

God bless everyone and I sincerely want to thank my In-laws for making me a much better person. Thank You.

As an “ex-teacher” and now work from home mom,
I remember how we were taught NOT to touch the children for fear of lawsuit or accusations.

The children who were the most challenging, needed the touch the most. It was sad to see them crying out for love and boundaries and yet,
to be able to do very little for them.

I find that with my own children, ages 10, 8, and 6, touch is the main focus of our home schooling day. We snuggle while reading books,
I do their hair, and they love to do mine.
We wrestle and hold hands while dancing and at the end of a long day, each of my children loves to have their back rubbed while going to sleep.

By this time, however, my tank is empty.

How do we fulfill our children’s need for touch
and not deplete our own?

Warmly,

Kelly Wissink

How can a parent develop the “touch hunger” of a child who, by nature, doesn’t want/need it as much?

I have 2 boys who hate to be massaged or stroked. They responded badly even when they were babies. I later found out they both have sensory issues (sensory integration and overexcitabilities) This means they can feel really irritated by some touch and they get overloaded easily with sensory input. It all seems to be related to the underfunctioning cerebellum but that’s another story.

Despite this, both my boys are very easy to hug but I have to do it firmly. They love to cuddle and to hold hands—even through their teen years they were never ashamed of hugging and holding hands with me in public. For the children who seem to be rejecting touch, they might need some different ways of exploring this. A still hand on the shoulder,ie not rubbing or moving but just firm steady pressure or a firm hug –maybe briefly. Being sensitive to that hyper sensitive nervous sytem is important. They often have sensitivity to sound, taste, smell etc too.

HTH Louise

Debbi

In answer to your touch hunger question, each of us has our own levels of wanting to be touched. If your 4-year-old doesn’t crave it as much as you or your 3-year-old, perhaps it’s because he’s more independent and content, in some ways. There are times when I feel so confident and “full” and whole, that I don’t “need” to be touched. It’s good to respect where he is and to know that he isn’t any less loveable, loved or loving, just the way he is.

Hope that helps.

Blessings,

Ruth

Many Blessings,

Ruth Suli Urman

My mother frequently told me that I was holding him too much (odd, as the only time I got to hold him when she was around was when he was breastfeeding) and that no one would want to watch him when I went back to work. I don’t honestly know where this thought process came from as I am told by everyone that watches him that he is so fun and pleasant to have around. Old school western doctrine?

My 5-year-old is VERY touch-oriented. He asks for a foot and back rub almost nightly. He LOVES to have his temples rubbed while he is falling asleep. I try to accomodate him whenever possible. We also still hold hands while walking, even though I know he will not endanger himself.

My 2-year-old has begun a new habit which I LOVE — he comes up to me and says, “need more hugs.” Oh, it just melts my heart!

Never have we needed vital touch as badly as we do now. As you point out the research is in….it has been for a long time. We choose to ignore it as a condition of our culture. Children and adults in many cultures walk hand in hand. It is a very selfish and selfless thing.
We all need it and are desparate for it yet we do not know how to attain it. We have lost the early lessons of healthy touch that is a given in much of the world, through close physical contact from birth to preschool.

Natural Nurture of which touch is a corner stone is the hallmark of peaceful nations.

I am willing to bet that Blair, Bush and Hussain, Omar Bin ladin were not fed the elixir of life at mothers breast which is best known as the milk of human kindness…and I will also wager that they were never held in arms for their primal year.

We lack the bond that many of the world’s people have with their children. It is a result of the biochemical triggers of natural birth which further triggers B’feeding without ‘consultants’ etc. and this bond triggers holding (and working at the same time) which science has shown increases our physical brain size by 20-30%! Not to mention our quotient of joy and harmony.

It is hard (very hard) to put a child in a uniform and send them off to war….and next to impossible when the mother baby dyad is naturlly strong from birth.
More links to the science and studiers can be found here: http://www.cuddlekarrier.com/reasons.html

Keep the good stuff coming Ellen. Thank you, Colin

Good article. Good reminder.