Advice for the Tough Times
by Ellen C. Braun
Filed under Communication, Parenting Teenagers
Lately I’ve been getting more requests for advice geared towards teenagers.
This article is most applicable to teens, yet can be tailored to any age child.
What do you do when really tough challenges arise with your child? What if your son is hanging out with a shady group of friends or your daughter is regularly skipping school?
Very likely, you will become engrossed in fixing the problem at hand and seeking solutions to straighten out your child. Oftentimes, during these stressful periods, parents become so focused on the current issues that- paradoxically- they neglect their actual relationship with their son or daughter.
It is precisely during the tough times that your bond with your child needs to be cultivated with additional nourishment.
So, while you are dealing with the inevitable pains that are bundled with the joys of raising children, remember to take the time for the two of you to nurture your personal relationship.
Take your son to a sports game, without any of his siblings. Go on a shopping trip with your daughter, without trying to do your errands simultaneously. During these outings, do not mention the tough stuff at all. Concentrate on having a good time in each others company without referring to any problems.
Relax, and enjoy yourselves. Do something unusual, spontaneous, or plain funny. Humor can alleviate stress better than anything else in the world.
Obviously, you will be spending time addressing the difficulties in the current situation, oftentimes with the aid of a professional- just don’t do it while you are on one of your trips together! Additionally, please make sure that your child has a responsible adult with whom he/she can confide; a friend’s parent, a guidance counselor, relative, etc.
Have a wonderful time- and remember to laugh! There’s a silver cloud lining behind every cloud- even this one!
My husband is just like that too. He also gets very upset with the moods. Make her tell you what is wrong and if she shares anything to me and I tell him he can’t understand why that would upset her. He wants to kiss it and make it all better, but it just doesn’t work like that. I take one step forward and two steps back with her. I’m so thankful I found this web site. It is just what I needed. It feels like your in this all alone. You don’t feel comfortable to share it with peers.
Hey you guys! I’d venture to say most of us weren’t drafted into our positions as parents…we blindly walked into it with hope and love as our guides. The thing for all of us is, each stage of development has its joys and its heartaches. But without a doubt, the teen years have been the most taxing…emotionally, physically and sometimes, financially (definitely, in terms of preparing for college!). There have been good days with our 16-year old son…sometimes even great days. But we’ve also been through a lot of very challenging stuff. Some days, all we have as common ground is a Led Zeppelin song, shared together as we make our way home in the car. As bad as it’s been (sometimes I’ve just given up and gone to bed to have a good cry at the end of the day), I know that somewhere, there is always another family who’s going through worse. A son or daughter in the throes of drug abuse, perhaps gone from that warm nest a home can be. That said, I thank God for every day with my son, good or bad. I must admit, it sometimes isn’t easy to put my arms around that towering, seething teen with the long, multi-colored hair and satchel full of eye daggers meant for me and tenderly kiss his cheek and tell him that I love him, but I do it…every night…no matter how mad I am…no matter what. And my hope is, that with each passing day, we get a little closer to clarity, a little nearer to understanding that young lad. That he knows he is always loved, no matter what he does. It’s that strong foundation of love…ever blinding love, that gives them as teens, all the courage to make their steps into the life they envision for themselves and also provides the soft spot to fall, when they make the tough mistakes they’re bound to. I know it isn’t easy…but I know in my heart, we do the best we can with the information we have at hand. I’m glad knowing you’re out there doing your best. I know I’m doing mine. I wish you all love. Blinding love. Cynthia
I find that this is sooooo true with my own kids. They are a bit younger but I find that when my six-year old starts beeing more and more sassy we take a trip to the book store, get a few magazines and go get pie. I let her order as many slices in as many flavors and we taste them all while reading articles that pertain to her and her interests. It is a great way to start some really imprtant conversation with her and get her to open up . I hope that we keep this tradition up into her adult years. Hopefully she will ask for Pie Night as a teenager when she is having trouble
Holly
God has given us two sons, fifteen years apart. I have found that the most challenging time is between 11 and 14. They’re too old to do “little kid” things” , but too young to do teen things.
They begin to question where they fit and who they are.(both good things, but can be challenging) I think that when they hit 15 to 18 they want their autonomy so badly that they will fight you for it. You need to find ways to let them be their own person without cutting them loose altogether. I am firmly convinced this is why families used to apprentice their boys out between the ages of 13 and 15. They were taught how to work and work hard, see that obedience was not just a parental requirement, but a life requirement, and given an opportunity to become skilled at something that would make them feel good about who they were and what they could do.
It gave them the opportunity to be a valuable part of the community and to exhibit their ability to be a contributing member of society.
Present day society is so disjointed that you can go for weeks and not have “human” contact if you don’t want to. I see more and more children(and adults) living out “relationships” on their computers and believing that that’s enough. We all need interaction with others and accountability to someone, but we’re such an independent society that we don’t want to come under anyone else’s scrutiny or authority. And relationship is becoming more and more foreign every day.
While I don’t like the idea of having “another adult” they can go to I do believe that someone not so close to the situation could bring out the best in them. Someone who shares your values, cares about them, and would be able to give them sound advice and skills may be just what they need.(and if they could work them to exhaustion it wouldn’t hurt!)
I love my boys dearly, but I do know that, at times, advice from me goes unheeded, but the same thing out of a father’s mouth or another male’s makes sense. At some point they need to know that they’re a valuable part of the male community and not just a “mama’s boy”. (though they’ll always be my “boys” even as men)
Love them with all your heart, don’t take anything too personally (they probably don’t even know why they’re so mad at you), and pray faithfully for what both they and you need.
Dorie
yes!, focus on priorities. having a bond/relationship with your child since time with them is already limited in their teens and before you know it, they’re gone. we don’t own our children, we are simply here to guide them and to LOVE them.
yes!, focus on priorities. having a bond/relationship with your child since time with them is already limited in their teens and before you know it, they’re gone. we don’t own our children, we are simply here to guide them and to LOVE them.
It is so good to notice how many of us are refusing to give up on holding onto a relationship when our kids are at their ugliest. I know that is the time they need the most to see that we STILL love them. My daughter often gets these sulky, nasty moods. We have started taking walks together – even when I’m tired and REALLY don’t want to. It has really gotten both of us out of the grumps… Thank goodness.
I’m new to this site. I do have a question on what your thoughts on my teenage boy. He’s been feeling “down” and has been lacking motivation in his activities. He has been active in football, guitarist and singer. He’s recently asked to get his ears pierced. We’ve sent him to a couple of counselors and had friends of the family talk with him and counsel. I try as a father, but I find that he looks at me as someone who doesn’t know anything at times. Because of this I feet that I can’t get through to him. It’s not all bad, but I do see a potential problem. i love my boy very much and I want to help in anyway I can. Any suggestions???
Bea, my husband is exactly the same!!Thought he was the only one. He says he will pack and leave because of the fighting and conflict between my 14 year old and myself. So now I am just backing down and she can say/do as she pleases. Difficult to live with, but we have 2 other daughters that are easy going. Just counting the years till she moves out.
I just read the posts on difficult teens. I am a single mother of two girls. Ages 12 and 13; soon to be 13 and 14. I am struggling with my 13 year old. She has oppositional defiant disorder with depressive disorder. She is in counseling and she seems to be doing a little better. My youngest is beginning to follow in her sister’s shoes by making some bad choices as well. I have moments where I have no idea what I am doing and am lost and confused. I am getting my other daughter into counseling as well as myself. I think the individual counseling for my oldest is not really working as she does not like her counselor at all. Also her counselor does not really discuss with me what is going on, which is leaving me clueless. I know that I love my kids more than anything in the world. I am all they have as their father is absent by choice in their lives. I am learning to force myself to do something for myself to maintain my sanity. I am grateful that I found this site and hopefully this will be a support system for me.
Thanks.
Thanks for the great advice. My 14 year old son and I often have disagreements about a particular friend that he has, so your advice about just having spontaneous fun reminded me that I have to lighten up sometimes.
ok. here goes. My daughter (just turned 16) has made a series of serious mistakes: Losing virginity at 15 to 17 yo boy inher dad’s driveway (we’re divorced 9 yrs now- he’s a loser, and that’s a proven fact, not just my opinion). Then she sneeks virginity stealer into my home – I now have security system installed. Then just when things are looking up – we (my husband & I ) give her a car for her 16th b-day – she takes off driving in it the first morning she is left alone with it before she has her license. I am now cosidering boarding school. She is smart, and has a good heart. I just think she’s lost and making bad decisions/choices. My husband thinks it may be more. Talking her out of school for the rest of this year will crush her – but she knew the consequences before she pulled this last stunt. What’s a heartbroken mother to do?
I, too, am an exhausted mother of 3 boys 18, 16, and 10. The teens used to be such good nice boys, but when now 18 year old turned 14 or so, it’s been downhill from then and he took the other teen down with him for a good while. The 18 year old is now the father of a 2 month old baby girl and is jobless. I tried so hard as a single mom all those years – I prayed, played, and read with them since toddlers and thought they would be college bound and happy people. I’m so angry now because I’m turning 40 and I feel like, what did I get out of all that sacrificing? I’m poorer than I’ve ever been and depression keeps coming back that’s it’s hard to get employed again. Have been to so many counselors through the years – but when it comes down to it they are just someone to talk to when there’s no one else who cares. I’m tired of praying. I’ve tried all types of medication, but so tired of all the side-effects. I wish I could go back and be a kid myself again. I made the stupid decision 2 years ago to marry and leave a good job because I thought that would help my kids, but it’s just made things more difficult. I should have listened to Dr. Laura about that one. I was just so stressed out that I think I lost my mind for a while. Current husband barely works, we are in debt up the cazoo, and I find that for him we are more of an inconvenience and burden to him in HIM reaching HIS precious goals. I wish I wouldn’t have listened to him when he encouraged us to marry after a 3 year relationship. Smart woman, stupid choices. Oh God help. I’ve lost myself and feel like I am in such a deep pit I can’t get out of. I think my counselor is even getting tired of me. I need a miracle. I need god to show me he cares.
Oh, dear Francis. What a difficult situation you have, and it does seem hopeless. I want to give you words to encourage, but I have none. I am mother of six, four are still home. The two teenagers, 17 and 15 are making me crazy. ANd their atitude rubs off on the 11 and 9. I left a very good job some 18 years ago to home school. Since then my health has deteriorated such that I am all but bed ridden. MS sucks.
The teens complain that I can’t do what they want and they have to do chores.The husband works two jobs and is very angry. He only knows how to yell at the kids.
I’ll pray for both os us and really hope He hears.
I have a 14 year old daughter that has been going through the peer bullying for 3years now. I started out telling her to be the bigger person, to walk away and ignore it. I am now to the point of telling her to stand up and fight if that is what it takes. I am finding that the parents are no more mauture then the children and am reluctant to call them as I have tried it before and it made it worse for my daughter. I try extremely hard to not buy into the drama but it is getting really hard to keep from saying something. Any advice would be helpfull!!!!
Kristi, I understand your problem. My son is 15 years old and just started high school this year. We moved this year and he hates his new school. He has no friends here and he is being bullied by several students. He was beaten up in the beginning of the year by another student and when I notified the school they stated there was nothing they could do because it was after school and not on school property. After I notified the school the name calling became worse. His self-esteem is so low, I don’t know how to encourage him. I know he is depressed because all he wants to do is sleep. I don’t know what to do to help him. I did look into counseling however there are only 2 in my area with a two month waiting period. We need prayers and advice!!
Dear ALL (Esp. Frances)
I have been through much of what you all are going through and know it can be HELL raising children. There are no PAT ANSWERS that resolve all the problems, unfortunately.
I PRAISE the mothers who are determined to continue loving their children unconditionally.
However, I also agree that CONDITIONS for behavior in relationships IS necessary to a degree – otherwise kids get the wrong ideas about RESPECT & RESPONSIBILITY. This does them no good in REAL LIFE.
LOVE is GREAT – BUT … ‘LOVE’ IS NOT ENOUGH.
We need to show & model respect to our children and have them do the same … even if imperfectly. When the basics of RESPECT are achieved, everything else has a chance to follow.
These kids are sometimes hurting and lost, but they should not get away with treating their parents (and others) as dumping grounds for their frustrations … at least not as a matter of habit & with no consequences.
I have a 37 y.o. daughter who experienced & caused many difficulties in her teen years … she is just now truly growing up and furthering her education. She now realizes that she wasted a lot of time.
Yes, I hung in there, loved-loved-loved, could / should have done better, WAS part of the problem, etc. etc. However, mother-bashing (parent-bashing) is not helpful, any more than child abuse /neglect.
I did not prepare her for the real world by allowing her disrespectful behavior, and this interfered with good, effective communication that could have resolved many problems.
My heart is with you all. Yes, Love IS essential, but so is basic mutual respect.