Advice for the Tough Times
by Ellen C. Braun
Filed under Communication, Parenting Teenagers
Lately I’ve been getting more requests for advice geared towards teenagers.
This article is most applicable to teens, yet can be tailored to any age child.
What do you do when really tough challenges arise with your child? What if your son is hanging out with a shady group of friends or your daughter is regularly skipping school?
Very likely, you will become engrossed in fixing the problem at hand and seeking solutions to straighten out your child. Oftentimes, during these stressful periods, parents become so focused on the current issues that- paradoxically- they neglect their actual relationship with their son or daughter.
It is precisely during the tough times that your bond with your child needs to be cultivated with additional nourishment.
So, while you are dealing with the inevitable pains that are bundled with the joys of raising children, remember to take the time for the two of you to nurture your personal relationship.
Take your son to a sports game, without any of his siblings. Go on a shopping trip with your daughter, without trying to do your errands simultaneously. During these outings, do not mention the tough stuff at all. Concentrate on having a good time in each others company without referring to any problems.
Relax, and enjoy yourselves. Do something unusual, spontaneous, or plain funny. Humor can alleviate stress better than anything else in the world.
Obviously, you will be spending time addressing the difficulties in the current situation, oftentimes with the aid of a professional- just don’t do it while you are on one of your trips together! Additionally, please make sure that your child has a responsible adult with whom he/she can confide; a friend’s parent, a guidance counselor, relative, etc.
Have a wonderful time- and remember to laugh! There’s a silver cloud lining behind every cloud- even this one!
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Wow, you must be psychic! I was just asking myself what can I do for my 18 year old son to strengthen our bond and I opened my email this morning and you have given me a great idea. Thanks! Keep the emails coming!
One thing that has helped us is to have a “night out” with each child every week. We have 5, so that means each child only gets to go out with us once every 5 weeks. LOL But, it’s a nice time to bond, do something fun.
Steer clear of talking about anything controversial…even if your child brings it up. Just say that tonight is our night out, and we will talk about that another time.
You would be amazed at how this can help maintain your relationship with your teen. It doesn’t have to be expensive (sometimes you may want to go to a nice restraunt) you can also go to a nice park with a pic-nic, and toss the football, or play tennis, or basketball.
Just make it stress free for you and your teen. It’s a special time to be together.
I am not a perfect parent, neither is my hubby. But we do the best we can. I just want to make sure that you know I am not a psychologist, just telling you what has worked for us.
Debbi
I am reading Hold on to Your kids by Gordon Neufeld and this is exactly what he talks about in his book. He says behavioral problems are often a symptom of the breakdown of the relationship between parent and child and so reconnecting with your child can help solve those problems. Thanks for the reinforcement!
I say dont wait until your children are teens for problems to develop! Treat them respectfully (yes, respectfully!) when they are young!
My teen daughter went haywire at 11 and has been out on a limb for 3 1/2 years now. The struggle is constant. We have obtained professional council that has helped. However, we also learned that when the teen doesn’t want to be helped, she won’t be. I have never given up. Regardless of the situation, I let her know that she is stuck with my love, and I’m not going to desert or turn tail or let her go “away” into the world where she can live with the person of her choice because they are “Nicer and understand how awful I am for setting rules she does not choose to follow.”
Actually, you are right on the money. I have taken her away for suprise day trips, mini vacations, lunch or dinners out, and gone for walks with her. We have agreed to allow each other to have some space to calm down when things get too hot. Otherwise, the fire and anger gets completely out of control. Over the last 3 years, the frequency of explosions has deminished, and our relationship has improved significantly. Sometimes, I had to go to drastic measures, which included removing her from public school for a semester and enrolling her in a charter home school program which took her away from the daily bad influnences, and gave her a chance to feel and respode on her own, rather than projecting someone elses (friend’s) rebelious behavior.
So, hang in there. I have four more years to go with her before highschool is over and we move to the next stage. Be open and prepared, try not to respond too fast or get drawn into bad drama behavior. It is easy to get caught into the moment and behave as badly as she does in the parental effort to have the last word.
Hi! I really love much of what you say on this site. The one problem I was surprised to encounter in this article is the suggestion that they have another adult to confide in. I believe that is the root of many of our problems in this day and age. The parents need to be educated (just like you are doing on this website), and the relationship needs to good, open and positive. If it is not, the parents are the ones who need to work on it with the child ( with help to the parents). Relying on another adult or guidance counselor weakens the relationship and guidance with the child. Parents are guidance councelors, not paid professionals who do not love your child nearly as much as you do. We need to take our children back with the people they have been given to – the parents. Parent education – that is the way to go.
I would like to address the issue of guidance counselor or another adult to confide in. In my experience with my tough teen, it does require the parents in counseling with the teen, the teen and counselor one on one, and parents one on one with the counselor. We were able to work through many problems and issues with this process. When the teen went alone, nothing worked. When she knew she had help along with us getting help so we could all learn how to communicate in a positive way, we had progress. I also have 2 adult female friends that my daughter goes to when she is scared or furious with me. They allow her to blow off steam, give her support, and encourage her to go back and talk to me. This has never failed us. She/we have a clear understanding that they will not keep anything from me that could or would put her in danger, and their guidance is more of a sounding block and encouragement to talk to her parents and not be afraid of the conquences.
Really enjoyed this article — great food for thought. I really worry about my daughter (she’s just turned 14). She has a low self-esteem and shows many signs of depression. Depression and addictions run in the family (both sides).
I have been trying to work on her self-esteem but it is really difficult to keep giving her positive messages and reassuring her of our love, etc., when the low self-esteem and depression cause her to be very negative, obstinate, and rude.
I have been trying to give her lots of time with just the 2 of us, and not arguing or preaching at these times, as this article suggests, and it usually goes well, but the minute I say “no” to something she wants, we’re right back to the battling. I am finding for every positive thing I can find to say, her behaviour requires me to say 3 negative things!! It’s so frustrating!
She is such a prime candidate for drugs, early sex, drinking, etc! It really worries me! She refuses to go for counselling.
Any ideas, anyone?
Bea,
I have a 13yo like this. He is a good boy, but his moods are up and down so much during a day, that it’s hard to follow. I keep hoping he will grow out of it. LOL
One thing that works for him, is for me (and hubby if possible) to spend one night a week out with him. Even if it’s just walking around the mall, or going to play miniature golf, a bike ride etc… This gives us a chance to talk (without me turning it into a lecture…which I have a tendency to do), and give me a chance to see how my child is doing without interruptions from my littles. This is a time to talk about anything they want. Let them confide in you.
We all felt depressed as teenagers. I remember being a teenage girl, and having the WORST up and down moods (due to my body adjusting to the flood of girl hormones…LOL). Let her know what is normal, and what to watch out for. Most of all, love her, hug her, spend time with her, buy her a new pen, talk to her. (read the Five Love Languages to find out what her love language is). Many times this can make all the difference.
Many times I would spend time just listening to my daughter. It really does help. Many times that is all they need to know you love them.
Debbi, thanks for your thoughts on this. I really appreciate it! What are the Five Love Languages you refer to?
My son was in the same boat as your daughter last year…we found a family run traditional overnight camp that he went to for two weeks last summer….he loved it and he was a diferent young man when he returned home….
He went again this year and brought his 12 year old brother with him, he also loved it and was much happier with himself when he returned….I love my kids and they love me, but sometimes a healthy dose of letting go for a couple weeks and letting them immerse themselves in nature and doing things they love away from mom and dad can really open their eyes, so they appreciate what they have and also learn all the wonderful things they can do for themselves….
good luck!
I have teenagers at home, and I know EXACTLY what you guys are talking about. I also have 2 graduating from college this year. Even though I am soooo proud of them, I also miss them soooo much. I cried like a baby when they left and still do every time they turn the corner on their way back home. No matter how long they come for a visit, it’s never long enough. Many of the seemingly horrindous things that happened in the past (some I am just now finding out about) we can actually look back and laugh at now. As for your teenagers remember there is a season for everything and this too will pass. Try to enjoy them while you got them.
i have tears…..new to the teen years{june} my son is my life, i am a single mom and this touched me, as i have had a heavy heart on the changes a teen goes thru-the bond is weakened or so it seems and it is sad-some say it will come back-”this is just a phase of independance” i hope to see that soon:> thanks for your awesome website offerrings!!!sincerely “me” mom of one
I just left my first born for his first year in college. He hasn’t called me yet… I thought we were close… It’s tearing me apart. I am trying to be strong and I know I have to ‘let go’ but, I still want him to call me and let me be part of his life.
This is so hard… pray for me!
I know how hard it is. When my daughter left for College Station and couldn’t fit everything in her car, I immediately took off work and went with her. I remember that evening when I left her apartment; I sat at the security gate and cried like a baby. I knew once I went out that gate I couldn’t get back in. I drove to Houston that night, crying most of the way, and stayed at my sisters. The next day my sisters asked what my daughter needed. We went shopping, so of course, the next day I had to go back to College Station to take her a whole bunch of crap for her apartment. She will graduate this May, and I am so proud of her.
Isn’t it ironic how they are doing just what we raised them to do, yet
it is so difficult accepting how independent they are sometimes. My daughter and I usually talk more now than we did when we lived together.
She calls every day (sometimes a lot more). Yesterday, she called and said, “Mom, I just wanted you to know I am standing in my very OWN
apartment!!!!!!!!” She has had room mates for three years and this is a very big step for her. Sometimes I get busy and forget to call, and
she’ll call and say, “Remember me?” And I do the same thing to her. I hate to tell you but my son doesn’t call near as often. I hope yours
does because I know just how hard it is not hearing from them. Don’t worry though; they ALL call when they need money, which will be pretty
often.
God Bless you and your family,
Gigi
Well, I must be the parent from the pit, because I am so worn out from dealing with my 17 yr old, that all I want is graduation to hurry up and get here. When I read the post from the parent who said she has told her daughter she is stuck with her love and she will not desert her or send her away, I thought,”I knew it, I am the worst parent in the world”. I know he has low self estemm, and I agree with the other post that quoted from the book. I can see that in my relationship with my son. But I am totally worn out. He goes to a counselor but applies none of what is said.
I am taking my oldest son tomorow to start University, a ferry ride and 2 hr drive from home. I don’t think it would matter how far – I just hope I get back to the car before I have a meltdown! I’m not good at saying goodbye, and I know he is so excited to be going, I don’t want to spoil it for him. Accepting their independence is so hard. But I still have 2 at home that I will have to go thru this with too – I guess this is practice!
Just less then 2 months ago my husband past away and my daughter, her father, she is very moody and went to the guidance counselor and told them she is going to hurt herself and they made me take her to the crises center. I am going to get help for her and would like your advice. Thank you, Linda
I would like to ask for advice, please. we are migrants from another country and we’ve been here for about three years now. my daughter went to a very nice public middle school where she had lots of friends. unfortunately, we bought a town house in another district so for high school, she would be separated from her friends from middle school. here is where the problem starts. she says she hates the school that she is going to now. how are we going to help her? i have tried talking to the district office where she went to school before, to try to get her in that high school but the said, they are filled up and would only take residents.
i do not know what to do to help her cope. we have been praying hard about it and i hope God will use you as a channel to help us in our problem. thank you so much.
I am glad to see articles on teens, I also have a troubled 14 yr. daughter who has low self esteen, anxiety and depression. She is being treated for this. However her oppositional behavior and negative attitde is what keeps her from moving forward. I would like to hear advise on how to handle oppositional teens, and how to change negative attitudes. Are there any good books? What about local programs in the New york area??? Or schools that redirect students into positive students…
I am so happy to have found this site….it is always wonderful to find other parents who realize that raising children is a responsibility and blessing for your entire lifetime. My daughter is 16 and I have a son now 26, who has become my closest friend. Although the years of 12 to 20 are some of the most difficult to deal with, I have also found these are the years your children need your love and understanding the most. There are so many things for them to deal with in this time. I have found for me, the best way is to know my child……if you talk to them since birth…are truly interested in their lives and their friends lives….they know ! They may say hateful things, act out and be mean at times, but if they know you love them more than anything…they will always come to you. My children are the kind that have struggled with school, they are unique….musicians and artists and the loves of my life. Thank you for your website.
Dear Marie-
It sounds like YOU need some support, friend! You sound totally burned out living with a hard situation! Maybe a counselor could provide you with some support, place to chew over feelings and ideas, and help you with your son. Maybe you’re beating your head against a wall when you don’t need to.
Lots of wishes for success!
Dear Bea-
Maybe medication would help, worth checking out?
If you’re the spiritual type, pray like her life depends on it.
Dear Marie: A 17 year old boy with self esteem problems is alot to deal with. At 17 they are so trying to find out who they are, not realizing this is a lifetime process. Perhaps if you shared with him that you too are also stil finding out who you are…as this changes as we grow. The world is a very unfriendly place to alot of teenagers because they don’t understand them. Maybe talking to his friends will help you see where the areas are you can help him. Prayers have always helped me in all times of my life, but especially in difficulty with my children. I will pray for your guidance and understanding also….from one mother to another….keep the faith…they do mature and become wonderful friends to us eventually…just remind him how much you love him and are there for him. That is all we all want. Take Care
Hi everyone. An amazing book that opened my eyes called “REAL LOVE” is written by Dr. Greg Baer. This literally helps us understand why there is such a challenge in our society today. Its message is that we all satisfy ourselves with imitation love- conditional love(he explains what it is). He shows us how to bring unconditional Love in all our relationships, also helping us understand that G-d really unconditionally loves us. This concept transforms our life and brings authentic happiness. Check out the book. It definitely changed my relationships for the better.
I just found this website and I feel better already. I have 5 children ages 13-20, 4 girls, one boy. I have plenty of advice for moms of girls but my 16 year old son is like an alien. I can’t figure out why he is so angry sometimes. Is it just mood swings because of hormones or does he really not care about anything we try to tell him? Any help is appreciated.
I just found the time to really explore this sight and feel so blessed to be able to have a place to ezpress my concerns and worries about my children.
I am a single mother raising three boys ages 16, 14, and 8. For the most part they are all good kids, but very high maitenance. My oldest is your clasic under achiever…diagnosed with adhd at an early age, and now suspecting bi-polar. I am blessed that he has good friends and hasn’t done any acting out other than driving me crazy at home by arguing with me about everything. My youngest son is in 3rd grade, and experiencing some anxiety issues, but for the most part is a happy outgoing kid. My 14 year old is my prime concern at this time. For the past year he has ezperienced moodiness and negativity towards me. It has gotten so bad that he is down right mean. At this time he is still doing well in school (he’s a freshman…and in the Govenor’s school…a program he applied to and was accepted in based on high achievement). He won’t talk to me, torments his younger brother to the point of tears, and refuses to help with anything. When i try to speak with him about what is wrong he tells me i am the problem. He refuses to do any activity and resents everything i say or do. He sleeps all the time and locks himself in his room. I’ve tried ignoring him, doting on him, reassuring him, and being firm. Nothing seems to help. When i mention counseling he goes through the roof…and he’s passive aggressive enough that he would sabatoge the efforts of i enforced it. I am struggling to hang on at this time. I work wtih children with severe emotional and behavioral issues and know how this can spiral. Luckily, he has good friends that aren’t involved in drugs and participates in the church youth group. I just wish i knew why he seems to hate me so much. It hurts and i long for the sweet kid he used to be, and worry about his future.
linda… I would definitly take your childs thoughts seriously…She may not want to do this to herself and this was the easiest way to yell for help. I am sure the pain she is in will be dealt with. How about your pain? talk therapy is good but cognitive therapy is way much better. It forces one to deal with the reality of their own feelings and actions and teaches one to divert those feelings and thus diverting thee action as well. Sometimes we do not even know or can put a label on how we fel at a time such as you both are going through. You are doing the right thing. patricia
Mollie…He is fourteen and sounds angry and depressed. Not at you although he is blaming you. He does not hate you. Some things he may not like as well as you may not like him for the moment now.
He is the middle child as well and if I read things correctly your 16 year old and 8 year old are a handful to a degree. Perhaps Do not ask him what is wrong but ask him if he would like to see a movie…just you and him alone..Tell him you miss him. He may say no but maybe not. patricia
I need help with something… A couple of things actually 1. My 6 yr old daughter comes home with homework to be done for the week. I often get confused to knowing what the teacher is asking for and am totally embarrassed when I cannot answer a question and she is waiting for me to help and teach her. It adds anxiety to me when homework time comes around. Now I look at the homework ahead of time and call one of my sisters and try to explain things on the phone. I am scared to let the school be aware of this. My pride is in the way and then I get utterly frustrated cos I know somewhere in my head the answer is ther!!! I am the disabled one not my daughter. I am a single mom.
2. I got a note home from my daughters school to sign her up for speech therapy w/o any explanation to why she needs to go. The therapists name was illegible but I did get a hold of her by going to the school. She is stating that in articulation certain letters are being placed in the wrong spot. When I said I was going t have a outside speech pathologist take a look at her I was told that they think the speech therapy was not that necessary and may just be immaturity and they will test her at the years end. Something sound odd to anyone out there?
PATRICIA
3. Last year the school was teaching her phonicaslly and she seemed to slow down. I was using word recognition prior to school and she was fine. Now she is having a rough time cos this year they do noy want her to sound things out which is what I originally was teaching her. My daughter is now confused and I am very upset. How do I handle this without looking like the biggest —– of a mom… any advice will help. thanks
I am a grandmother who is working on promoting Waldorf education in my country. It does hurt when one reads about the increasing difficulties that children are finding themselves in. I believe that beside a trusting relationship with an adult, there are two more things that can be of help. Many children are hungry for “foods” that help them to grow physically and spiritually.
Depression, low self-esteem etc. can be caused by an imbalance between the non-physical activities in the mind of the child and the physical activities, where these two are not working harmoniously together as one. More gymnastic or sport will help the mind to join-in the body. The child will feel more of life and be happier when there is a better balance between the two.
Children usually do not care about physical luxuries which adults enjoy. They want to learn about the world, yet they find many things that they cannot understand, e.g. why is the human society not human. In their distress of not finding what can satisfy their subconscious, they let themselves be drawn into the ugly picture in order to understand it, but they may not come out of it again. If they could understand why the world is the way it is, they would be able to look at it from outside without being drawn into it. But do we understand the world in that we can help them to understand?
I hope this can be of help!
Wenhuan
Bea,
When I read your words I thought of my family history with depression, etc. I read an awesome book called, Me and My Big Mouth by Joyce Meyer. ( I know the title sounds rude!) but it helped me understand that just because my family has had past issues, I and my children do not have to. It really helped me know how to handle issues that come up with my children. YOu may realy enjoy it if you like to read.
Dear Marie & the other parents of troubled teens,
I too am a single parent of a 17 y/o son. We have been through some very tough years. He was 13 the first time he was arrested and I saw him in shackles. His most recent arrest was last summer. We’re very lucky that drugs & alcohol are not a problem – his problem is anger and violence.
Dispite our difficulties, he and I have established a close and loving relationship. I believe we are able to sustain a good relationship because I have become very good at not responding to every comment he makes – it’s a variation of picking my battles. I have only a few rules, but they are absolute. In order to live in my home he must obey the law, he must go to school, he must let me know where he is and when he’ll be home, and he must pick up after himself (laundry & dishes included).
My mental health has improved since I’ve learned not to lecture. He respects me more because he feels trusted to make decisions about his life. And I’ve learned that I can’t accept the blame for his choices that turn out badly anymore than I can accept the credit for his choices that turn out positively.
I helps that I truly like him and he knows it.
I wish us all well. Sometimes we just need to remember how much we love them.
Thanks to everyone who responded. Nan, I am just starting to read the book you recommended; thanks for the suggestion.
Things have gone from bad to worse. My 14-year-old daughter (I discovered by accident) is now having sex (protected, thank God!). I tried to stay calm and not judgemental but at the same time made it clear that I do not condone this activity at 14, so now I only allow her to be with her boyfriend when an adult is present.
She says she hates us, but won’t say why. She is rude and insulting most of the time, which makes communication VERY challenging. I was advised to ignore the rudeness to try to get at the bottom of why she is so angry and hurt, but she uses the insults to evade the issues.
My biggest problem right now, though, is my husband. He responds to the stress we are trying to cope with by feeling sorry for HIMSELF. (“I shouldn’t have to put up with this”, etc.) I try to point out that “HELLO-O-O, yes, you DO have to put up with it, because this is our child, and we love her.” His prime concern is never what’s troubling our daughter, but how it is annoying HIM. Is this just him, or a gerneral male thing??!! I’m about at my wits’ end with both of them!!
Hey, thanks for letting me unload. I feel a bit more energized for the fight ahead!
I agree with the advice, but was very surprised to see the stereotypes of boys=sports and girls=shopping. I know it doesn’t go to the point of the article, but this typecasting is insidious and can impair your relationship with your child. This is probably not how your teen sees the world.
I think the whole point of the article is to find something your child enjoys doing. Boys typically love sports and girls typically love to shop but if that’s not the case of your child, do what your family enjoys. When I run errands I found my children like to ride along with me. This used to annoy me especially when I just wanted to run in and out of places until one day I realized my children were ASKING to spend time with me! Some of our deepest conversations or funniest times have been just riding in the car together. They even like to grocery shop with me (so they can pick out their favorite snacks) and I enjoy their company. I know, sounds like I have some weird teenagers but they are quite “normal” and involved in school and with friends but in addition to any special outings, incorporating them into my “work” has given us some bonus time together. My oldest is a freshman in college now so I know all too well how quickly the years go by and the sadness of having one leave the nest. Seemingly ordinary things; cooking dinner, doing the dishes, taking a walk, chores, etc. can turn into great opportunities to talk to your teens and spend time with them. When your involved in some rouitine activity, their guard is down a bit and they tend to open up a bit more.
I am a mother of a 12 year old girl and she has always been a little mother to everyone,even myself. I have know this for most of her life and I have tried many things to show/help her change. (No one likes to be mothered constently)Now that she is older she seems to have problems with having a good friendship. I see it at outings that the other girls let her tag along but she is not really any part of the group ( they just tolorate her). Some girls are very mean and it hurts me to see this. I do not know what to tell her to get her through this rough time. I am looking for any sugestions to help her and I deal with both here bossiness and the bullies that she is dealing because of this.