My Child’s Violent Threats
by Ellen C. Braun
Filed under Ask The Experts, Controversial Parenting Styles, Disciplining Children
Question: I am the mother of identical twin boys, age 5 but soon to be 6. I’m not sure if you can help me, however perhaps you can direct me to someone who can help me. My boys are in the Early Intervention Kindergarten Program. The reason they are in this program is because they were speech delay when they were younger. Today I got a letter sent home stating that one of the twins was threatening the teacher. What triggered this may sound silly, however the teacher asked him to change a Capital letter to a lower case letter. He became angry and told the teacher “I’m going to bring a weapon to school tomorrow”. The teacher spoke to him about what a threat was and told him he would go to the principal if he made any other threat. He then held his pencil in his fist, aimed it at the teacher, and said “I’m going to stab you”.
On Tuesday there was an incident that two substitute teachers were in, and he told the classroom assistant he was going to bring his stapler to school to get her. He was sent to the principal’s office. I don’t know what was said at the principals office, however there was note that said if he continued with threats or physical aggression it may result in an out of school suspension.
Needless to say this is very disturbing to us. Any advice on this kind of behavior would be greatly appreciated.
Concerned about “Homeland Security”
Answer:
Today’s answer is provided by Odelia Schlisser. Odelia Schlisser is a life coach with a Masters Degree in Sociology and a Masters Degree in Education, and is trained in Family Therapy. She currently lectures Psychology and Behavioral Science in Mercy College and has spent the past several years counseling children, teens, and their parents and teachers. She can be contacted for coaching at odeliaschlisser@theroadto.net
Dear Concerned,
I feel as though I am only getting a small piece of the picture, and it is challenging for me to give advice without knowing all the factors. For instance, you write that your son is a twin. I do not know how his brother reacted to any of this, or if he contributed in any way. You write about some scary behavior at school, but do not say what his behavior is like at home. I also can’t tell if this is the first time he made such violent threats, if he ever acts on them, or what is his baseline frustration/ tolerance level?
Despite this, I will provide some general guidelines.
The boys are five, almost six years old. At this age behavior is often modeled from others in his environment. When I hear of a young child behaving aggressively there are a few questions that come to mind. Is he exposed to violence on TV, movies or video games? There are many studies linking observing aggression, and learned behavior. One of the most famous studies is by Bandura a classical learned behavior theorist. He observed that children behaved most aggressively after watching aggressive cartoons, more so than other TV aggression or even a short segment of real life aggression. Keeping this in mind, I would take a second look at what he is watching, and limit him to more child-friendly shows and video games.
I also would like to know if anyone is bullying him. Kids who were victimized this way, may turn the tables in order to feel strong and in control.
How is misbehavior dealt with in your home? Children who are punished with corporal punishment, are very likely to behave aggressively in school.
You mentioned a speech delay. Is your son better able to express himself now? Unfortunately, kids who have difficulty communicating verbally may become very frustrated. It is not unusual for a child like this to lash out, out of anger and frustration.
Last but not least, what about his twin? Identical twins are very close and often share feelings and experiences. If this behavior is apparent with only one of the boys, it may be indicative of a unique situation that he faces, as apposed to something more innate in their wiring.
Certainly, your son needs to understand that this sort of behavior is harmful, and that people can get hurt. I agree with the zero tolerance attitude in today’s schools, even with young kids.
No related posts.
It is a frightening world that we live in, where we truly have to take seriously threats made by school-age children. Obviously, young kids will joke about serious and potentially dangerous topics. On the other hand, you can’t be too careful these days. There are no easy answers here.
I have a child who is proned to angry outburst and says things in his fits of rage he wouldn’t normally say otherwise. Do you see this behaviour at home ever??? If he is in a fit of rage look for a medical reason (my son has a form of epilepsy that triggers aggressive outburst when frustrated and he gets frustrated easily.) If he is calm when he is stating these things maybe the social worker at school can get involved and help with some therapy or maybe even outside therapy to help him more appropriately express his frustrations. Hope this helped.
I also have a child that did have outbursts at a young age and she does have medical issues. We did not allow violent TV nor speak in that manner at home so what she said, contrary to popular belief, was not learned at home. We had to identify the triggers that exacerbated these behaviors and what was rewarding to her. Does he have sensory issues (bothered by noise in the classroom or being jostled by students)? Fine motor delays (slower at completing assignments which makes him frustrated). Difficulty with transitions? Is going to the principal’s office rewarding for him as he gets out of doing his work? Is he being teased by classmates or bullied? Can a school psychologist do a functional behavioral assessment where they evaluate his behavior in the classroom to identify his individual needs? They should be able to formulate a plan that will allow him to STAY in the classroom. Best of luck!!!
So… you didn’t answer how she should deal with this behavior now that it’s here. I understand that he likely has been exposed to this type of language/action in some way… but how does that parent correct the behavior?
I think that communicating that this behavior is not acceptable is the place to start. Explaining that it is okay to feel angry about something, but giving him appropriate, healthy ways to diffuse the anger would also be helpful. Eliminating violent video games and televison/dvds/videos which can include cartoons is also appropriate and perhaps might be what is feeding these behaviors.
I am a mother of a child who although had no speech delay, suffers with anxiety and many times acts out because he is unable to manage his feelings better. I am also a school social worker. I would suggest not only looking at what television or media he is exposed to, looking at how you and your family manage any issues at home, but also would request a meeting with the teacher and the principal to see how you can all work together to address your son’s issues. Many speech delayed children have underlying anxiety and sometimes the simplest request can boil them over and they react innapropiately. He may have used the violent talk as a tool to push away the demand being made and express his upset. Have the school work with you together on solutions and let him know to use his other words that do not hurt. Good luck.
I have a child who suffers with anxiety and I am a school social worker to. Not only look at the media he is exposed to, how your family handles situations at home, but also have a meeting with the teacher and principal to address his issues. Many speech delayed kids have anxiety and can react poorly when demands are made. Tell him to use his other words that don’t hurt as well.
I too struggled with violent threats when my children were younger. A few things were going on: a) depression, both of the children who made threats like that had it, medication helped a lot (they both even threatened suicide while still in the single digit ages), b) one was very bright and so, very bored in school; he was a real school and social problem until late middle school when he was finally challenged properly, it was a very long haul but he is doing great now in his late teens, c) one was very bright but also learning disabled “twice exceptional”, his inability in the face of his obvious intelligence was read as laziness and he was regularly treated as lazy or belligerent rather than his teachers (and parents) understanding that he needed a different learning pathway. He finally switched to a school for kids with learning differences in 7th, that should have happened years earlier and he would have fared much better. He is doing okay now in HS with good anger control skills. d) one struggled with the constant translating required in his dual curriculum, his language skills never got him to a point of comfort and ease, that lead to pretty disastrous interactions with teachers and subsequent mistrust, dislike, anger and distancing from what they were teaching both in text and practice. Making sure that young children can read and translate well is imperative. All of this was particularly distressing as we have a safe and warm home with a strong marriage, no media in the home, so no tv influences, and calm parenting strategies. Look for underlying causes of distress and be willing to change teachers, schools, and parenting techniques when necessary. And pray for help and calmness!
I’m wondering if there has been any recent trauma in this child’s life that could be triggering this behavior. Or perhaps an underlying anxiety disorder. If it was my child, I’d get professional help and FAST.
The sociologist is right. My 17 year old son is diagnosed with everything in the book from pddnos to bi-polar it goes on and on. If you are dealing with a 5/6 year old, now is the time to get real with your parenting skills. Take away the tv…I mean un-plug and give it away. Take away the video games; they are doing you no good. Your child needs to hear it loud and clear…this is NOT ok behavior. If you are not a strong parent now, you will regret it for a very long time. He needs to know who is boss and have no questions about it. This behavior is not cute and it is not acceptable. Clamp down and make sure he knows the consequences if he does it again. Cleaning bathrooms should be in his very near future! Trust me, I know what I am talking about. Don’t raise a bully, fix it right now.
It is difficult to find a correct response for the parent without knowing all of the variables. Surely it will be important to examine the relationships and environments the child is living in and then take measured to modify them. However I believe the scenarios sounded like a child who lacks social skills relating to correction or critisism. Most young children do not have these skills and many just withdraw when faced with correction they cannot understand. Your child’s response is anger and using words to protect himself. Keeping this in mind I would suggest setting up some play opportunities that directly teach responses that are more appropriate. Young children often need words to help them through theses situations. For example..play school let your child be the teacher He will correct your mistakes in the way he feels his are being corrected then you can model to him the way you want him to respond. If he says your letters are wrong you can say. Teacher I am trying but it isn’t working can you show me? When he escalates the citicism you can say I will talk to my daddy about this or Mommy or grandpa.. You need to help your child understand that it is OK to do things one way and then to change them when the teacher asks.
These threats cannot be tolerated..the children need prfessinal help and FAST. Suspending them is a method to prevent a disaster,but there is some SERIOUS anger issues going on. I see it every day and work with a set of twins that are in pre-school for the same reason yours are …Speech delays…they are NOT violent ,however,and have NEVER threatened. You need to nip this in the bud,before.someone gets seriously injured.
There are a couple of 3 year olds I know that bite and kick….it is NOT pleasant!
My son has done this sort of thing on occasion, and I have learned that for him, the precise meaning of what he said at that age was not nearly as important as the “bigness” of the words he says. Cliff (my son) is nine now, and these episodes began at around five or six years of age, similar to your boys. Children at that age don’t have a clear concept of what “kill” means. Whether it’s exposure to video games where the characters return in a subsequent game or level or inappropriate TV, where all the characters are back in a later episode, children only understand that the violent words are really BIG.
I’m often amazed at how we recognize deficiences in pronouns or pragmatics, but not in expressing emotions. Teach him more appropriate ways to express his anger and frustration. I’ll bet you a dime that this violent language will subside.
A great resource for understanding why a child might be having such difficulty with frustration and problem solving is a book called The Explosive Child by Ross Greene.
Highly recommend,
Vicki
I’m rather surprised at the teacher & administrator’s response, given the child is in a special education setting. Review your legal rights as a parent of a child with identified special needs. Best practice for the educators in this setting should include data collection–that is observing and recording what occurs in a systematic way.
I would suggest the teachers and staff keep an ABC chart. As a parent you can keep a similar chart at home if you are seeing this kind of behavior. This kind of chart is filled in immediately after an incident occurs to help determine what happened and why. The ABC’s–A stands for antecedent–what happened immediately before the incident, B stands for behavior- what behavior did the student demonstrate in response to the antecedent, C stands for consequence–not how did the teacher punish him, but what response did the student’s behavior elicit in the classroom or what was the result of the incident.
In the parent’s example we might see a staff member write up:
A-Antecedent: the child was writing his letters and had erased and re-written several letters. He showed some frustration with writing on the lines, the teacher came and told him that he needed to write in lowercase not in capital letters. First the child shook his head. Then the teacher told him he had to make it correct. He kept shaking his head. The teacher said, “If you don’t follow directions we are going to have a big problem.”
B-Behavior: The child stood up and yelled at the teacher “Arrg! “I’m going to bring a weapon to school tomorrow” The teacher spoke to him about what a threat was and told him he would go to the principal if he made any other threat. He then held his pencil in his fist, aimed it at the teacher, and said “I’m going to stab you”.
C-Consequence: The child went directly to the office. His work was left behind. He seemed much calmer when he was in the office.
After the staff collects a few of these incident samples, the next step is to evaluate what is common to the antecedents, the behaviors and the consequences. Is there something in the classroom environment or is there a transiton or time of day that is always the trigger or antecedent? Who are the players, what is the setting of the behavior? What is the function of the consequence in meeting the child’s needs? In this sample, it is pretty clear that the child needed a way to escape a frustrating demands from his teacher. When the the teacher let him know that additional threats would remove him from the undesirable activity, he used that information to his benefit. Smart kid.
If these boys are in early intervention then there is likely to be a behaviour analyst that is part of the school staff, or district that can be called upon for this type of situation. Ask the school for a behavior observation and consult. They often make a behavior plan for children in these situations that has the goal of changing the behavior and protects them from simply getting thrown out of school. It is very likely as described by a previous post that the child is very frustrated and hasn’t been taught an appropriate response to elevetad stress and frustration. This type of performance social stress in school is often not experienced at home and thus the skill to deal with it needs to be taught at the moment in the environment. A behavior plan will map out exactly how to do it.
I agree with Tina – the question of what to do now was skirted. Obviously eliminate the violent cartoons and corporal punishment if either were in the kids environment.
My first thought, as a kindergarten teacher myself, is remove the frustration that is causing him the anxiety to the extent that he would feel he needed to make these threats. Could it be that the classroom expectations are not appropriate for this child? Maybe his small motor skills are such that he is frustrated with the thought of having to redo something that was already difficult for him. In a developmentally appropriate environment the teacher should have a rapport with the child and be in tune enough to know how far to push and what type of activities to plan for the children. It sounds to me like the child was pushed too far by the teacher and perhaps others.
In addition, although I know it is important for the threats to be taken seriously, it is playing right into his power struggle to make such a big issue of it. I would suggest that you get to the root of the problem (his frustration) and then provide him support so he feels successful rather than threatened himself. If I were his teacher I would certainly put my arm around him and in a calm manner explain that he is talking inappropriately and there will be consequences to his actions but first I want to know what is going on with him. Why he is feeling upset to begin with. I’m also confused why you as the parent weren’t called in to problem solve before it went to the principal. I guess there are a lot of questions and not a lot of answers until those questions can be answered.
But, in my experience as a teacher of children this age, his threats are a byproduct of an inappropriate environment and inappropriate expectations either at home or in school. Once the environment and expectations are changed to meet the developmental needs of this child I would guess the threats will become a non issue.
I second this!
I found help through training for AFNIC. Association for Neurologically Impaired Children. AFNIC.org. I have seen what they taught me work at home and at school. Good luck and God Bless.
I went to a parenting class and that’s when I discovered Kirk Martin from Celebrate Calm. His way of
helping parents parent these type of situtaions is very unique and his methods work. If you can’t get to one of his workshops then purchase his cd’s. They are worth every penny and more.
Try emailing him he always answers. Check out his website at
http://www.celebratecalm.com/
If I were you, I would have my son tested for Allergies, ADHD or Asperger Syndrome, etc.. You will have to ask the school or Family Doctor to have any testing done. It would be worth it.
It has been a while since I have participated in this parenting site and am a bit confused as to the format. Is there no more of the forum that use to be here. The one with all of the catagories and threads? I don’t see the link that use to be here. If this is the new forum I have to say I find it a lot more intimidating and impersonal to interact on.
I am not trying to be negative, just trying to figure out the changes.
As to this thread, I so understand the shock associated with violent talk from our children. I have a 9yo that is EOBP, ADHD and ODD. Between the impulses and wiring in his brain he can threaten big violence. I agree with the therapist in that the info given is sketchy. I always look at behavior falling in certain categories. What is the frequency of episodes, what the intensity of the behavior and how long does each episode last. With my son..especially in the younger years all of that was off the scale. My suggestion would be that if this behavior continues and starts interfering with his success I would talk to your Doctor.
Best wishes.
I completely agree with Terri’s comment…children will say things in anger that they would not say at any other time. As a school social worker myself, I have seen children make comments like this. They are not even fully aware of the impact of their words until they see the huge reaction they get from the adults around them! Of course we need to respond, but in a calm competent manner, not condemning this child forever. I agree that a referral to the school social worker is appropriate, so that the parents, school, and counsellor can all have a cohesive plan for how to respond. And to learn about some of that missing information that Ms. Schlisser discusses. The adults in this boys life need to respond with firm, yet reassuring, messages. However I doubt that any five year old will understand an “out of school suspension”. Teach him how to express himself, his frustration (which clearly is present in the classroom), and then further assess his emotional and academic needs. Something is creating extreme frustration for this little boy. I would want to know what that was (learning disability? health issue? emotional issue?) and work with the family/school team to intervene.
My six year old son had similar behavior in Kindergarten and the first half of first grade and I am now home-schooling him for the remainder of first grade. It has been such a painful process, both for him and for our family up to this point. Homeschooling has made a big difference in his behavior and overall disposition. It has given me the chance to monitor all of the input so I can better understand the output. The violent threats and behavior have virtually disappeared. I believe for him that it is a maturity issue of becoming easily overwhelmed with the social and other demands of being in a traditional school environment. I plan on homeschooling him for second grade for sure and will consider integrating him back into school when I feel he is emotionally mature enough to be successful. I will be praying for you and your family. This is not an easy road to travel.
Rachelle,
I just wanted to contact you because we also decided to homeschool our 6-year-old son. We are also seeing incredible strides in his behavior, however, there are still challenges when he’s with his peers. I would love to correspond with you on how you handle certain social situations. Is your son your only son? Due to our son being an only child, we also run into the complication of trying to find just the ‘right’ friend(s) who can be understanding enough to want to play with him again. It’s been a hard journey for us as parents since we grew up with siblings and our son has no one but us. I look forward to hearing from you if you have the time. I totally get the schedule you have.
Laureen
I am the mom of identical twin boys that also had delayed speech. I really think they were so in tune to each other that they didn’t need to communicate with the rest of us. First off, congrats for getting them the help they need with the speech. You are on the right track.
As parents, we often have to decide to look for outside help to make our kids become stronger. I would encourage you to look for help with this too. Please take your son (or both) to see someone that can help you deal with this issue. Make tough decisions, like NO violent tv shows, movies, video games or computer games. Even cartoons like Ninja turtles and Batman are too violent for pre-schoolers. Be over protective when it comes to all of these things. I also think you need a policy of no violence at home. I’d go so far as to say no wrestling or horse play for a while too.
And pray. I pray for guidence and for patience from God to help me make the right decisions. It helps.
If you are not in a safe place, get yourself and the kids somewhere safe. Kids often see things we don’t realize they see. Protect them and yourself if you need to.
Delayed speach development along with violent outburst (and possible anti-social behavior, though it wasn’t mentioned) would imply testing for autism spectrum disorder or fragile X syndrome might be in order.
THough very little information was given, this behavior is consistant with ASD and ADHD and a consultation with your doctor is the first step to take. Good luck.
I think that is a far fetch from speech delay with aggression to fragile x syndrome and autism. I’m guessing the children have been evaluated by early intervention professionals, given that they are in the early intervention kindergarten. Perhaps additional testing with a behaviorist or developmental ped. might be the next step. Some aggression is normal at this age. Try making him powerful in the things in which he can control. Everyone wants to be powerful, adults and kids alike. Sometimes the nature of parenting/teaching, strips the child of these feeling. Try to let him make as many decisions as possibe, and make a big deal out of it. Imagine how we would feel being controlled all of the time. It would be hard to keep our spirits up. Say yes as much as possible. hope it works.
I would also recomend reading “how to talk so kids will listen, and listed so kids will talk.” I am approaching this in a two prong approach. First, get the proper evaluations and support, and concurrently increase the positive input so the child may become more internally motivated to gain your respect and approval by doing the things he knows will please you
i will respectfully disagree with the final evaluation of the initial response. i would be hearing warning bells. loudly. if this is the first sequence of events where this behavior has occurred, now is the time to deal with it well, and prevent heartache further on.
as an initial step, i would stop all television, add in at least 20 minutes, preferably more, of outdoor time daily, and establish a schedule that didn’t vary (bedtimes, mealtimes, bedtimes etc). i would sit down with my spouse and make certain that our responses to misbehavior were consistent and related to the offense. not responding pleasantly to a request or a correction would be dealt with consistently and immediately.
i would also go to a diet that involved only natural foods, cooked at home. (that way, you have no food dyes, or corn syrup or other foods that can contribute to behavioral disruptions.). this would deal with many of the things the initial response mentioned as possible causes. i would try it for three weeks, and see if things got better. if so, i’d sigh a breath of relief and stick to the new regime. if not, i’d make an appointment with the pediatrician for a referral.
I very much agree with your response. I think that children need to learn to respect and obey before they can ever be trusted with the huge responsibility of being in control. Control with out self control is rampant in our society today and is not pretty! And if a 5 they are disrespectful, what will they be at 10 if they are rewarded for their disrespect with more power and control. If in fact the situation at school is not in favor of the child then he should be taught to go to you with his situation rather than take matters into his own hands by disrespecting those in authority over him. I have witnessed first hand this situation and the child who never takes responsibility for his actions when corrected will become the adult who never takes responsibility for his actions. One of my favorite quotes is “I must learn to discipline myself before someone else has to do it for me”. The jails and prisons are full of undisciplined and disrespectful people who were once disrespectful/undisciplined 5 year olds. This may sound harsh but the evidence is stacked highly in favor of my point. How you get to the results is the parents personal priveledge and responsibility!
Ann,
Thank you!!!! You are the first to mention diet. Why do so few see the connection that what goes in is what we’re made of? Children are so sensitive- some more than others- but the poisons that are pumped into their little bodies by uninformed parents is ridiculous. When people consider Cheerios a healthy breakfast, there’s a problem out there! The primary issue with a great number of “labeled” kids is their diet and their toxicity levels. So much heartache could be avaided if the effort was made to nourish our kids with fresh organic foods and cooking for our families instead of starving them with fast foods and convenient foods.
Dear Mom,
What does your son say happened? Don’t be so quick to believe that school personal are acting in the best interest of your child. The school will act in the best interest of their pockets. The school will label your child, recommend class 2 drugs, and hold useless IEP ( Individual Educational Plan) meetings all so they can get federal funds which your child will not benefit from. Here are some suggestions I hope you’ll find helpful:
1.Ask the school to provide a laptop for your son.
2.Consider another school, or a home school program.
3. Have your son evaluated by a qualified specialist-independent of the school.
4. Place your child on a non-toxic diet and eliminate toxins in soaps, cleaners, etc. Toxic overload can manifest in health & behavior problems-
especially in products like vaccines.
You know your child better than anyone- don’t be afraid to talk to him.
The world is not the place it was when we were children, but if you trust God and your instincts you will find your way.
Dear Mom,
I diaagree with Linda. It sounds as though she may have had some unpleasant school experiences that have lead to her response. I am a Speech Pathologist in the public schools and I have taught there for the past 27 years. I also have a son (now 12) who is Emotionally Handicapped, ODD and ADHD. He had similiar and more aggressive physical behaviors in kindergarten and first grade. My child’s school was very helpful and supportive but their hands are tied when a child becomes physically aggressive and uses verbal violent threats. They must respond to keep other students and staff members safe. Since I work with Special Needs children and have a Special Needs child myself, I believe that I can see both sides of the coin.
First of all, I would want to talk to the teacher and the principal. If the children are still seeing a Speech Pathologist, I would want that person to be present as well. Discuss the current behaviors. Are they happening at home as well? Have time-outs been effective? The consequences for behavior should be the same at school and at home, so as not to confuse the child. I recommend a wonderful book called “1,2,3 Magic” for both home and school to read. IF the boy is still in speech therapy, a behavior plan can be developed to help deal with the behaviors at school. I recommend Social Stories and pictures: “If I get angry, I can…” and then list acceptable behaviors and words to use. It sounds as though he’s angry and needs the proper words to use. “I don’t like it when you correct me. It makes me angry.”
I think that it makes sense to have the doctor examine the boys and for you to discuss this behavior with him/her.
I am not sure that I would go as far as putting your child on a severely restricted food regime, but I would limit sugars, fast food and caffeine. See if that makes a difference. Lots of regular exercise is essential as well. This should reduce aggression, improve attention and sleep, if they have any sleep problems. I strongly agree with those who have said limit or do away with violent TV or video games and don’t let the boys see you watching them either. Wait until they are asleep if you must watch such shows.
I wish you luck and I will keep you in my prayers. Turn to family and friends who will support you and give you a break from the boys as needed. Raising twin boys has to be tiring and stressful for you. You don’t mention a spouse, but it you have a partner, the way that you both deal with the boys needs to be consistent. NO physical punishment!You need to take care of yourself as well! Getting time for yourself or you two as a couple will make everyone happier and more relaxed. Best of luck!
As the mother of a child with behavior problems I have to disagree with this posting. My child continues to benefit from an IEP. He is a senior in high school and just recently earned extended testing time which made a huge improvement on his ACT because he could get through sections finally. Also, how is a laptop going to benefit a kindergarten student? I couldn’t even see it benefitting my son with a writing disability in high school. I found it extremely difficult to take notes on a computer when doing my masters. I stuck with paper. Many of the professionals I met through the school system were really helpful, but I have always been willing to do whatever I needed to do for my son. I never depended on anyone or any organization to find and implement what he needed. Only you can advocate for your son.
Dear parent
It is difficult to put a name to behavior it stems from somewhere maybe fear. We do not like to see our children struggle with boundaries but they do, they are learning. Little people want control too but get frustrated sometimes they do and say the wrong thing. I guess you will be the ones to decide whether the behavior is over the top or is out of control. Maybe some visits to the school to sit in the classroom would be an idea, even to see if there is a change in your sons interaction with the teacher and other peers. Go and praise him for his good work at school and show the others another side of your childs personality. If delayed language is a problem teachers need to be shown how to have better communication with him. And get an idea of where is sits, students he plays with and the visual stuff in the classroom. Parents can very alot of very good insight for the teachers to make education a happy experience.
Good Luck from a mom that understands:)
the responses to this question frighten me. i hear big words like homeschooling, provide a laptop (at 5 years). your country amazes me. why do you’ll have to medicalise evrything and pass on the buck to terrible schools, social workers and others.
why not look inward and find out if responsible childrearing is happening. think what your mother did i would say a good 20-25 years ago and choose from that what would work with your own child and use your own wisdom for God’s sake. odelia is right there is a definite link between TV violence and aggression (I think all caregivers should read research statistics, it will frighten you).
some tips as a parent and professional: 1.
1. Send your child down for unstructured play everyday for 2 hours
2. Keep technology far away from children, not developmentally appropriate
3. Cut out fast foods, and eating out to bare minimum
4. TV time should be restricted to 3 and a half hours a week, also co-view or monitor the content
5. instead of providing for material needs focus on being emotionally available to your child, therefore, connect with your family and your community.
Lata
WHile I don’t disagree with getting toxins out of your child’s environment, I want to note that Linda is factually incorrect about vaccines and is offering advice which is not only wrong but dangerous. Many many followups have been done on vaccines and even the original authors of the one study that showed that there might (!) be a link between vaccines and autism have withdrawn their names from that study. There is NO link between vaccines and any kind of toxins or behavioral problems NONE. PLease do not stop getting vaccines for your children. Vaccines have enabled most children to survive to adulthood – something that was untrue in previous centuries.
Witholding vaccination from your children poses a danger not only to them, but to the children around them.
I agree that the place to start is with an inventory of what this child is being exposed to in television, movies, and video games. Are there older children in this home? Sometimes, my younger children repeat things that my older children do/say. Have you tried talking to the child about what made him think these were okay things to say? I think we’ve all said things like, “I would kill so-and-so if he ever did that to me,” understanding full well that we would never resort to murder. There’s a difference between saying something and doing something. If this child has acted upon any of his threats, that’s when I would start to worry. It sounds as though this child has a difficult time expressing himself verbally. Anger is a normal human emotion. As parents, it’s our job to help our children recognize when they are angry and to guide them to find safe and appropriate ways to express that anger. One of the ways I have helped my son, who also has trouble expressing himself verbally, is to give him a journal in which he can write about his feelings. This would work even with a child as young as yours. If words fail, he can draw pictures. Those words and pictures may hold some clues for you about what’s really going on in this child’s mind. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
I have 3 boys. 6,5, and 1. My 5 year old has major behavior issues as well. Including the threats to others and himself. He has the worst time with girls, as he is much stronger then he thinks. Even one of his bear hugs can cause retaliation from others.
Here is my solution that appears to work well.
1. I homeschool but the main point is to spend as much time as possible with the child. Aggression often comes from needing attention.
2. Spend no less then an hour outside in the fresh air where they can be active. Restlessness also causes the need to create action.
3. Get rid of all Technology. Bad TV, bad video games, bad songs. Our culture and times have taught us to start kids with cell phones at age 5. Technology is not for children, it is for scientists and businesses.
4. Have a no tolerance stance at home, in the store, every where. They need to understand that aggressive behavior is never acceptable. If you see any aggressive behavior from any outside factors. You must make sure they see the folly in it.
My son has made major improvements. But you have to do the work!
No teacher, therapist, medication, or any doctor can help if you don’t do the work yourself.
Also, much to our dismay. In regards to movies. PG means Parental guidance.
PG-13 is not for children under 13. Now days, you will very seldom find a G movie. But those are the only ones suitable for young children. You can’t stop a movie everytime something controversial comes along. And that’s what parental supervision entails.
The variety of responses gives the parents ideas to consider. I would add asking that someone at the school observe him and document his day to see if there are any triggers for the behaviors. I would also ask the family to look at other models for this behavior either within the family or neighborhood–bullies and adults with anger control issues make huge impressions on young minds.
I agree that the school’s response is drastic. If the child is on an Individual Educational Plan (IEP) the parents should ask that his team assemble immediately. There are a number of ways to address the issue through the team including but not limited to modifications such as giving the child positive encouragement and messages, providing prompts prior to transitions –we will be stopping this and doing this in 5 minutes and then another in 1 minute, making sure that the child has opportunities to move, and other suggestions that a skilled team will develop. The team may suggest that the child have additional testing. Was this child born prematurely? There may be physiological or neurological impairments that were not detectable earlier or that more sophisticated testing might reveal.
Finally, the problem is not the child’s. It’s a problem that is a result of a constellation of factors. Suspension pegs the problem to the child and only reinforces negative impressions and a negative self-image. The school and adults in this child’s life need to assume responsibility for helping this child and setting him on a positive path. Adults often fail to comprehend the fact that young children form opinions of themselves at early ages and those opinions often are the largest barriers to future success. If this child thinks of himself in a negative way it could shape him for life. He needs to have the positive accentuated so he can feel successful and use that feeling to address areas of concern.
Although my son was not using threatening remarks, he was hitting or sometimes even biting other children in Junior Kindergarten. We took him on a couple of occasions to apologize, at school in front of his peers, to the children he hurt. We also talked to him on a daily basis for three months (YES 3 MONTHS) about violence and related topics. Why three months? Because it is generally accepted in the medical field that it takes at least that amount of time to change a behavior. The second thing we learned about changing violent behavior was from my daughters third grade teacher. My daughter was participitaing in a “clique”. These 6 or 8 girls (depending on who was “in” on any given day) would go around and push, swat and most of all use foul language toward any girls on the “outside”. This is very common in grade 3 and we talked to our daughter about the negative side of the situation for both her and the girls being maligned. The breakthrough was when we talked to her teacher about the situation. Her response blew us away. She simply said “GIVE HER LOT’S OF LOVE”. WOW! You know what. We did! And it worked, especially when our daughter found herself on the other side of the clique and came to us for support. My son is now in grade 3 has adjusted well. My daughter is in grade 8 and is one of the most popular and respected students in school. To recap…lot’s of LOVE and PATIENCE are the best foundation for growth. Hope this helps
I just want to say that I disagree with the “zero-tolerance” policy. You are talking about a 5 year old. With zero tolerance the situation is not looked at on a case-by-case situation to see what the real issue is. I have seen many children’s lives ruined because of zero tolerance. In a zero tolerance society there is no room to learn from a mistake or accident. You screw up once and we are done with you. The problem is never solved, you just get rid of the “problem”. Aren’t we supposed to be teaching the children?
The zero “tolerance” policy is everywhere so we may as well begin preparing them for it! There is a zero tolerance policy on stealing from stores, on drunk driving, on sexual misconduct toward children, and even in the school system there is the zero tolerance policy on bringing weapons or threatening someone. So the zero tolerance policy is not the enemy. It is the lack of training before you enforce the “zero tolerance”!!! Our job is to prepare them for life and teach/train them to be upstanding citizens of society. I would venture to say that the amount of lives ruined by the “zero tolerance” policy is no greater than those ruined by the “anything goes” policy! It is not the zero tolerance that ruined them, but rather the manner in which the zero tolerance was administered. Something that we ALL forget is that we cannot SAY one thing to our kids and DO something totally different ourselves. Kids are the best spotters of double standards. Kids thrive on boundaries and rules. But die on double standards and inconsistency. Believe me I speak from years of experience!