My Child’s Violent Threats
by Ellen C. Braun
Filed under Ask The Experts, Controversial Parenting Styles, Disciplining Children
Question: I am the mother of identical twin boys, age 5 but soon to be 6. I’m not sure if you can help me, however perhaps you can direct me to someone who can help me. My boys are in the Early Intervention Kindergarten Program. The reason they are in this program is because they were speech delay when they were younger. Today I got a letter sent home stating that one of the twins was threatening the teacher. What triggered this may sound silly, however the teacher asked him to change a Capital letter to a lower case letter. He became angry and told the teacher “I’m going to bring a weapon to school tomorrow”. The teacher spoke to him about what a threat was and told him he would go to the principal if he made any other threat. He then held his pencil in his fist, aimed it at the teacher, and said “I’m going to stab you”.
On Tuesday there was an incident that two substitute teachers were in, and he told the classroom assistant he was going to bring his stapler to school to get her. He was sent to the principal’s office. I don’t know what was said at the principals office, however there was note that said if he continued with threats or physical aggression it may result in an out of school suspension.
Needless to say this is very disturbing to us. Any advice on this kind of behavior would be greatly appreciated.
Concerned about “Homeland Security”
Answer:
Today’s answer is provided by Odelia Schlisser. Odelia Schlisser is a life coach with a Masters Degree in Sociology and a Masters Degree in Education, and is trained in Family Therapy. She currently lectures Psychology and Behavioral Science in Mercy College and has spent the past several years counseling children, teens, and their parents and teachers. She can be contacted for coaching at odeliaschlisser@theroadto.net
Dear Concerned,
I feel as though I am only getting a small piece of the picture, and it is challenging for me to give advice without knowing all the factors. For instance, you write that your son is a twin. I do not know how his brother reacted to any of this, or if he contributed in any way. You write about some scary behavior at school, but do not say what his behavior is like at home. I also can’t tell if this is the first time he made such violent threats, if he ever acts on them, or what is his baseline frustration/ tolerance level?
Despite this, I will provide some general guidelines.
The boys are five, almost six years old. At this age behavior is often modeled from others in his environment. When I hear of a young child behaving aggressively there are a few questions that come to mind. Is he exposed to violence on TV, movies or video games? There are many studies linking observing aggression, and learned behavior. One of the most famous studies is by Bandura a classical learned behavior theorist. He observed that children behaved most aggressively after watching aggressive cartoons, more so than other TV aggression or even a short segment of real life aggression. Keeping this in mind, I would take a second look at what he is watching, and limit him to more child-friendly shows and video games.
I also would like to know if anyone is bullying him. Kids who were victimized this way, may turn the tables in order to feel strong and in control.
How is misbehavior dealt with in your home? Children who are punished with corporal punishment, are very likely to behave aggressively in school.
You mentioned a speech delay. Is your son better able to express himself now? Unfortunately, kids who have difficulty communicating verbally may become very frustrated. It is not unusual for a child like this to lash out, out of anger and frustration.
Last but not least, what about his twin? Identical twins are very close and often share feelings and experiences. If this behavior is apparent with only one of the boys, it may be indicative of a unique situation that he faces, as apposed to something more innate in their wiring.
Certainly, your son needs to understand that this sort of behavior is harmful, and that people can get hurt. I agree with the zero tolerance attitude in today’s schools, even with young kids.
No related posts.
Well as a mother of a 9 year old ADHD daughter and an 11 year old ADD daughter
with emotional issues I will say that the most important thing you can do is talk to your
child, talk with their doctors, and decide for yourself what is the right treatment for your children/family.
My younger daughter benefits greatly from medicine for her ADHD, my older daughter does not. We use the Total Focus and Total Transformation programs endorsed by the raising small souls website, and they have worked wonders for us.
Every child and situation are different, as well as the right solution for each family as a whole.
So DO NOT feel discouraged or like giving up no matter how difficult it may become, your twins are worth it. And don’t be afraid to ask for help from anybody and everybody, use every resource available to you.
And if you believe in God and prayer then continue with it, some days it is the only thing that gets my family through to the next day.
Ladies,
I am speaking from my own experience. I never imagined when I held my baby down to have him vaccinated, that I was holding him down to be poisoned. There’s no informed consent for parents in my most states. I had no idea vaccines contained MSG, Antifreeze, Aluminum Lead, Mercury, Aborted Fetal Tissue etc. http://www.vacinfo.org My son nearly died. He regressed loosing speech, eye contact and developed gastrointestinal problems. At 34 months he was labeled autistic. I enrolled him in an early educational program where I was told he didn’t qualify for help, However; that all that changed when I familiarized myself with Special Education Law: http://www.wrightslaw.com You can obtain SP, PT, OT therapies in the school, but you will have to fight to for them. You’re better off getting therapy from an outside source. Vaccines are causing autoimmune diseases, and there is absolute proof that they are causing micro-vascular strokes, swelling of the brain and autoimmune derailments. See: http://www.brainguardmd.com You don’t have to believe me, but please make informed decisions for your children’s sake. Getting back to nature is the best thing that you can do to help your children overcome learning disabilities and disease. I would NEVER wish my experience on anyone, but it’s because of my experience that I am asking you to do your own research. There is No Accountability for Pharmaceutical Companies! Read the Homeland Security & Patriot Acts. Brilliant researchers are refuting their studies because they’re afraid of loosing their livelihood. May God guide your steps.
At this time, there is no viable or long term research to indicate that vaccinating your child “causes” autism. If the child shows autistic like symptoms, chances are it was present before the vaccination, but not noticed. Pay attention to the web sites you visit for information. Are they poated by reputable experts and companies? Anyone can post anything on a web site and call it the “truth.” Nature is not going to overcome a learning disabililty or autism because those are brain based disorders.
On the other side of the coin, you are not required by law to vaccinate your children, but I would want to talk to my doctor AND ask for reaearch on the pros and cons of vaccinating your child. None of this is relevant to the woman who wrote in anyway. This is a forum to help parents.
There are an extremely small number of children who are allergic to vaccinations, but it would be one out of hundreds of thousands. If vaccines caused autism, we would have huge numbers of autistic children. I am sorry for what happened to your son, but it sounds as though you were able to get help and you kept yourself informed. The best decision is an informed decision.
I am a special education teacher. I teach in the public schools. I have two grown sons of my own. I have seen agressions both in my own son and in my students. When it was my son, we tried time outs, limited sugar and artificial foods, lots of time outside, unstructured play, and lots of love. We started going to Sunday school and church. It got better. It took lots of time and perseverence. He is now a great father and step dad. His anger came from not understanding why his dad had to leave him all the time. My husband’s job took him out of town for weeks at a time. He just wanted his dad. He would take it out on me. Then he took it out on his dad one time. He also got angry several times at school. It was usually because an injustice had been done (in his eyes), and he was not able to correct it. He was raised to follow strict rules with consequences when they weren’t followed. So he would get frustrated seeing other children not following directions, or directions that were unfair (in his eyes).
My student would get agressive when she would see herclassmates doing and understanding much harder work than she was able to do. The agressive behavior was a fight or flight response. Some days I could defuse her agression my using deep pressure and massage on her shoulders. Other days, she had full blown meltdowns. Testing was done. It was suggested that she participate in a bio-feedback series of sessions along with intense body management involving core musle, proprioceptive, and midline exercises. She was placed in a school that only deals with students one or two at a time and at the same level. Being a school setting so she was still required to respect adults and get along with his peers. Progeress was made and was mainstreamed back into regular school.
I will pray for you.
I don’t want to be alarmist, but I have an 18-year-old son who is very troubled, and I wish I had paid more attention to some of the subtle signs of emotional fragility that showed when he was younger. Not that I didn’t pay attention, but all the “experts” minimized them. Pay attention to your mother’s intuition.
A young child making such serious threats could be because of all sorts of things, and you have received good advice about what to look into from all the other moms.
I urge you to view his threats his a serious emotional problem. He doesn’t know how to cope or deal with what is being presented to him and is using his limited repertoire of skills to respond. He may be anxious, depressed, etc.
Allergies, diet, and nutritional problems, believe it or not, may be contributing to his behavior. Kids with gastrointestinal problems (my son, it turns out, has all sorts of stomach problems and vitamin deficiencies, he doesn’t absorb nutrients well), have brains that are missing the nutrients they need to function properly. Go to a holistic doctor to help with this. A regular doctor will laugh at you.
Take parenting classes. Excellent parenting will take you far. Do not get discouraged. What you do today will not necessarily show results tomorrow or next week. Your goal is a healthy, happy child 10 or 15 or 20 years from now (yes, it can take that long). Parenting consultants, who use behaviorial modification, usually PHds in Edu, are helpful to some parents.
Be ready to spend lot of money. Do so. It will save your kids life. The earlier your intervention, the better. “Hit it early and hit it hard,” is the best advice I’ve ever heard.
Also, consider a therapeutic camp over the summer. Check out Wediko.
The best to you.
Jane
My daughter was diagnoses with “just” a speech delay at 3. Kindergarden was a disastor,
she too having behavior “incidents” and also being suspended from kindergarde (at 4 years of age) for hitting her teacher with a composition notebook.
The school wanted to handle this as a discipline issue. After all I was a single parent and
they were wise, wise, educators. The suggested that I take parenting classes and that
they would give her sticker charts and “reward” her for Good behavior.
I INSISTED she be retested for special education. As a result of these new tests she was diagnosed with PDD-NOS, and 18 month articulation delay , as well as needing OT and PT.
ALL of which would NEVER have been found by those wise, wise, educators who wanted
to give her sticker charts. The school resented by insistance on testing, The wise, wise educators refused to believe they were wrong and NEVER accepted her diagnoses and made her life a hell.
We eventually moved into a small private Catholic school which accepted her and healed many of the wounds.
Don’t make the mistake of letting the educators make you feel like they know better than you. Have your son(s) retested. Sometimes things are missed or the needs develop later.
Give him every chance you can.
Good luck.
The number of people that are ready to attach a label to this child is simply amazing, and more than a little scary.
Several people gave the best advice this mother could have. One, limit media exposure. Five year-olds do NOT naturally use the language this child is using unless they have been exposed to it. Make sure that as parents, you are modeling appropriate responses to frustration. Same for older siblings or other caregivers. One thing not mentioned is to make sure you are giving him alternative words to use to express his frustration. Two, look seriously at whether he is developmentally ready for the amount of schooling he is receiving. I’m guessing he is most likely in a five-day a week, full-day program. How much unstructured time is included in the program? Recess, free play, nap and snack time? I don’t know that you will have many options since he is in an early intervention program, which I’m assuming means he’s been referred through your state’s early intervention program. However, if you do have an option for a less structured program take it! Kindergarteners really shouldn’t be worrying about the proper use of capital letters!
Finally, I would say do not cede your rights to the school!! Require that they contact you prior to any interaction he has with the principal. I would also encourage you to meet with the classroom teacher, aides, counselor and principal to establish a discipline plan that makes a trip to the principal’s office an absolute last resort. All parties need to work very hard to not make this child’s behavior at age five define him for the rest of his school years. Keep your meeting positive and focused on the needs of the child going forward not on past events.
Good luck and God bless.
My first thought, without knowing very many details, is could diet be effecting his behaviors? My daughter had many violent tempertantrums starting after the age of 2. She also had challenges socializing in most any environment. Diet played a key role in changing her behaviors. It was the start of our journey to learn more about what triggers my daughter’s behaviors. We were not told this information from any doctor, therapist or psychiatrist. I learned about it through talking with others and trying to find ways to help our daughter. Listen to your gut reaction and follow through. . . just keep asking questions!! Take Care.
As an elementary school principal, I understand the parent’s concern and confusion. Thank goodness she didn’t say, “He didn’t mean anything by it.” I’ve had cases of kdg and 1st grade students in my previous district bringing box cutters and pocket knives from home to threaten people they are angry with, as well as threats to “blow the school up,” or “kill” a classmate because they lost their place in line. Such statements are often signs that the young child needs help, and more than the school can offer. It may be as simple as doing a better job of screening media the child is exposed to, but often it’s not. I agree with Ms. Schlisser that such behavior at this age is learned, which can be a difficult concept for a parent to own up to. I wish I could tell you the number of downcast eyes I’ve seen from parents when I ask what type of TV shows, video games, etc. the child is allowed to watch. There’s usually an adult sitting right next to the child as they watch gory, violent, frightening images. Simply put, we’ve taken away our children’s innocence and their behavior reflects it.
My son gets angry over simple requests too. I could not figure out why he was more aggressive almost explosive is his reaction to normal things. I was blamed for being a bad parent and worrying too much about my son by “friends” and neighbors, “boys willl be boys.” The teachers and one principle blamed me as well. He was finally diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome,it is on the Autism Spectrum, when he was 6. Thru an IEP at school, a good special education teacher, informed parents and supportive friends he is better. He still can have outbursts but he is learning how to appropriately express himself. Do not blame yourself or listen to others tell you that you a bad parent. Start with your pediatrician for recommendation of where to go next. In the case of kids being on the Autism Spectrum their behavior is not learned. Their brains actually process information differently than average. Do not listen to people telling you it is his TV watching habits like the response above, or others that insist your child has to be on meds. Find out what the reason for the behavior is. We all now have a better life and my son is succedding in elementary school without meds and he has a bright future.