Comments on: My Child’s Violent Threats

By: Leslie Blasco

Leslie Blasco — Fri, 26 Jun 2009 19:57:44 +0000

My son gets angry over simple requests too. I could not figure out why he was more aggressive almost explosive is his reaction to normal things. I was blamed for being a bad parent and worrying too much about my son by “friends” and neighbors, “boys willl be boys.” The teachers and one principle blamed me as well. He was finally diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome,it is on the Autism Spectrum, when he was 6. Thru an IEP at school, a good special education teacher, informed parents and supportive friends he is better. He still can have outbursts but he is learning how to appropriately express himself. Do not blame yourself or listen to others tell you that you a bad parent. Start with your pediatrician for recommendation of where to go next. In the case of kids being on the Autism Spectrum their behavior is not learned. Their brains actually process information differently than average. Do not listen to people telling you it is his TV watching habits like the response above, or others that insist your child has to be on meds. Find out what the reason for the behavior is. We all now have a better life and my son is succedding in elementary school without meds and he has a bright future.

By: Pat Reynolds

Pat Reynolds — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 20:41:30 +0000

As an elementary school principal, I understand the parent’s concern and confusion. Thank goodness she didn’t say, “He didn’t mean anything by it.” I’ve had cases of kdg and 1st grade students in my previous district bringing box cutters and pocket knives from home to threaten people they are angry with, as well as threats to “blow the school up,” or “kill” a classmate because they lost their place in line. Such statements are often signs that the young child needs help, and more than the school can offer. It may be as simple as doing a better job of screening media the child is exposed to, but often it’s not. I agree with Ms. Schlisser that such behavior at this age is learned, which can be a difficult concept for a parent to own up to. I wish I could tell you the number of downcast eyes I’ve seen from parents when I ask what type of TV shows, video games, etc. the child is allowed to watch. There’s usually an adult sitting right next to the child as they watch gory, violent, frightening images. Simply put, we’ve taken away our children’s innocence and their behavior reflects it.

By: Jennifer

Jennifer — Fri, 13 Mar 2009 18:19:25 +0000

My first thought, without knowing very many details, is could diet be effecting his behaviors? My daughter had many violent tempertantrums starting after the age of 2. She also had challenges socializing in most any environment. Diet played a key role in changing her behaviors. It was the start of our journey to learn more about what triggers my daughter’s behaviors. We were not told this information from any doctor, therapist or psychiatrist. I learned about it through talking with others and trying to find ways to help our daughter. Listen to your gut reaction and follow through. . . just keep asking questions!! Take Care.

By: Indymom

Indymom — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 21:59:30 +0000

The number of people that are ready to attach a label to this child is simply amazing, and more than a little scary.

Several people gave the best advice this mother could have. One, limit media exposure. Five year-olds do NOT naturally use the language this child is using unless they have been exposed to it. Make sure that as parents, you are modeling appropriate responses to frustration. Same for older siblings or other caregivers. One thing not mentioned is to make sure you are giving him alternative words to use to express his frustration. Two, look seriously at whether he is developmentally ready for the amount of schooling he is receiving. I’m guessing he is most likely in a five-day a week, full-day program. How much unstructured time is included in the program? Recess, free play, nap and snack time? I don’t know that you will have many options since he is in an early intervention program, which I’m assuming means he’s been referred through your state’s early intervention program. However, if you do have an option for a less structured program take it! Kindergarteners really shouldn’t be worrying about the proper use of capital letters!

Finally, I would say do not cede your rights to the school!! Require that they contact you prior to any interaction he has with the principal. I would also encourage you to meet with the classroom teacher, aides, counselor and principal to establish a discipline plan that makes a trip to the principal’s office an absolute last resort. All parties need to work very hard to not make this child’s behavior at age five define him for the rest of his school years. Keep your meeting positive and focused on the needs of the child going forward not on past events.

Good luck and God bless.

By: Cecilia

Cecilia — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 22:49:16 +0000

As the mother of a child with behavior problems I have to disagree with this posting. My child continues to benefit from an IEP. He is a senior in high school and just recently earned extended testing time which made a huge improvement on his ACT because he could get through sections finally. Also, how is a laptop going to benefit a kindergarten student? I couldn’t even see it benefitting my son with a writing disability in high school. I found it extremely difficult to take notes on a computer when doing my masters. I stuck with paper. Many of the professionals I met through the school system were really helpful, but I have always been willing to do whatever I needed to do for my son. I never depended on anyone or any organization to find and implement what he needed. Only you can advocate for your son.

By: lorealmom

lorealmom — Thu, 05 Mar 2009 21:55:35 +0000

My daughter was diagnoses with “just” a speech delay at 3. Kindergarden was a disastor,
she too having behavior “incidents” and also being suspended from kindergarde (at 4 years of age) for hitting her teacher with a composition notebook.

The school wanted to handle this as a discipline issue. After all I was a single parent and
they were wise, wise, educators. The suggested that I take parenting classes and that
they would give her sticker charts and “reward” her for Good behavior.

I INSISTED she be retested for special education. As a result of these new tests she was diagnosed with PDD-NOS, and 18 month articulation delay , as well as needing OT and PT.
ALL of which would NEVER have been found by those wise, wise, educators who wanted
to give her sticker charts. The school resented by insistance on testing, The wise, wise educators refused to believe they were wrong and NEVER accepted her diagnoses and made her life a hell.

We eventually moved into a small private Catholic school which accepted her and healed many of the wounds.

Don’t make the mistake of letting the educators make you feel like they know better than you. Have your son(s) retested. Sometimes things are missed or the needs develop later.
Give him every chance you can.

Good luck.

By: Laureen

Laureen — Thu, 05 Mar 2009 09:35:26 +0000

Rachelle,
I just wanted to contact you because we also decided to homeschool our 6-year-old son. We are also seeing incredible strides in his behavior, however, there are still challenges when he’s with his peers. I would love to correspond with you on how you handle certain social situations. Is your son your only son? Due to our son being an only child, we also run into the complication of trying to find just the ‘right’ friend(s) who can be understanding enough to want to play with him again. It’s been a hard journey for us as parents since we grew up with siblings and our son has no one but us. I look forward to hearing from you if you have the time. I totally get the schedule you have.

Laureen

By: Jennifer

Jennifer — Thu, 05 Mar 2009 02:17:19 +0000

Ann,
Thank you!!!! You are the first to mention diet. Why do so few see the connection that what goes in is what we’re made of? Children are so sensitive- some more than others- but the poisons that are pumped into their little bodies by uninformed parents is ridiculous. When people consider Cheerios a healthy breakfast, there’s a problem out there! The primary issue with a great number of “labeled” kids is their diet and their toxicity levels. So much heartache could be avaided if the effort was made to nourish our kids with fresh organic foods and cooking for our families instead of starving them with fast foods and convenient foods.

By: Jane

Jane — Wed, 04 Mar 2009 14:33:10 +0000

I don’t want to be alarmist, but I have an 18-year-old son who is very troubled, and I wish I had paid more attention to some of the subtle signs of emotional fragility that showed when he was younger. Not that I didn’t pay attention, but all the “experts” minimized them. Pay attention to your mother’s intuition.

A young child making such serious threats could be because of all sorts of things, and you have received good advice about what to look into from all the other moms.

I urge you to view his threats his a serious emotional problem. He doesn’t know how to cope or deal with what is being presented to him and is using his limited repertoire of skills to respond. He may be anxious, depressed, etc.

Allergies, diet, and nutritional problems, believe it or not, may be contributing to his behavior. Kids with gastrointestinal problems (my son, it turns out, has all sorts of stomach problems and vitamin deficiencies, he doesn’t absorb nutrients well), have brains that are missing the nutrients they need to function properly. Go to a holistic doctor to help with this. A regular doctor will laugh at you.

Take parenting classes. Excellent parenting will take you far. Do not get discouraged. What you do today will not necessarily show results tomorrow or next week. Your goal is a healthy, happy child 10 or 15 or 20 years from now (yes, it can take that long). Parenting consultants, who use behaviorial modification, usually PHds in Edu, are helpful to some parents.

Be ready to spend lot of money. Do so. It will save your kids life. The earlier your intervention, the better. “Hit it early and hit it hard,” is the best advice I’ve ever heard.

Also, consider a therapeutic camp over the summer. Check out Wediko.

The best to you.

Jane

By: Gina

Gina — Wed, 04 Mar 2009 13:40:28 +0000

At this time, there is no viable or long term research to indicate that vaccinating your child “causes” autism. If the child shows autistic like symptoms, chances are it was present before the vaccination, but not noticed. Pay attention to the web sites you visit for information. Are they poated by reputable experts and companies? Anyone can post anything on a web site and call it the “truth.” Nature is not going to overcome a learning disabililty or autism because those are brain based disorders.

On the other side of the coin, you are not required by law to vaccinate your children, but I would want to talk to my doctor AND ask for reaearch on the pros and cons of vaccinating your child. None of this is relevant to the woman who wrote in anyway. This is a forum to help parents.

There are an extremely small number of children who are allergic to vaccinations, but it would be one out of hundreds of thousands. If vaccines caused autism, we would have huge numbers of autistic children. I am sorry for what happened to your son, but it sounds as though you were able to get help and you kept yourself informed. The best decision is an informed decision.

By: Jean Anderson

Jean Anderson — Wed, 04 Mar 2009 06:42:24 +0000

The zero “tolerance” policy is everywhere so we may as well begin preparing them for it! There is a zero tolerance policy on stealing from stores, on drunk driving, on sexual misconduct toward children, and even in the school system there is the zero tolerance policy on bringing weapons or threatening someone. So the zero tolerance policy is not the enemy. It is the lack of training before you enforce the “zero tolerance”!!! Our job is to prepare them for life and teach/train them to be upstanding citizens of society. I would venture to say that the amount of lives ruined by the “zero tolerance” policy is no greater than those ruined by the “anything goes” policy! It is not the zero tolerance that ruined them, but rather the manner in which the zero tolerance was administered. Something that we ALL forget is that we cannot SAY one thing to our kids and DO something totally different ourselves. Kids are the best spotters of double standards. Kids thrive on boundaries and rules. But die on double standards and inconsistency. Believe me I speak from years of experience!

By: Dazy

Dazy — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 20:50:47 +0000

I am a special education teacher. I teach in the public schools. I have two grown sons of my own. I have seen agressions both in my own son and in my students. When it was my son, we tried time outs, limited sugar and artificial foods, lots of time outside, unstructured play, and lots of love. We started going to Sunday school and church. It got better. It took lots of time and perseverence. He is now a great father and step dad. His anger came from not understanding why his dad had to leave him all the time. My husband’s job took him out of town for weeks at a time. He just wanted his dad. He would take it out on me. Then he took it out on his dad one time. He also got angry several times at school. It was usually because an injustice had been done (in his eyes), and he was not able to correct it. He was raised to follow strict rules with consequences when they weren’t followed. So he would get frustrated seeing other children not following directions, or directions that were unfair (in his eyes).
My student would get agressive when she would see herclassmates doing and understanding much harder work than she was able to do. The agressive behavior was a fight or flight response. Some days I could defuse her agression my using deep pressure and massage on her shoulders. Other days, she had full blown meltdowns. Testing was done. It was suggested that she participate in a bio-feedback series of sessions along with intense body management involving core musle, proprioceptive, and midline exercises. She was placed in a school that only deals with students one or two at a time and at the same level. Being a school setting so she was still required to respect adults and get along with his peers. Progeress was made and was mainstreamed back into regular school.
I will pray for you.

By: Linda

Linda — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 20:09:17 +0000

Ladies,

I am speaking from my own experience. I never imagined when I held my baby down to have him vaccinated, that I was holding him down to be poisoned. There’s no informed consent for parents in my most states. I had no idea vaccines contained MSG, Antifreeze, Aluminum Lead, Mercury, Aborted Fetal Tissue etc. http://www.vacinfo.org My son nearly died. He regressed loosing speech, eye contact and developed gastrointestinal problems. At 34 months he was labeled autistic. I enrolled him in an early educational program where I was told he didn’t qualify for help, However; that all that changed when I familiarized myself with Special Education Law: http://www.wrightslaw.com You can obtain SP, PT, OT therapies in the school, but you will have to fight to for them. You’re better off getting therapy from an outside source. Vaccines are causing autoimmune diseases, and there is absolute proof that they are causing micro-vascular strokes, swelling of the brain and autoimmune derailments. See: http://www.brainguardmd.com You don’t have to believe me, but please make informed decisions for your children’s sake. Getting back to nature is the best thing that you can do to help your children overcome learning disabilities and disease. I would NEVER wish my experience on anyone, but it’s because of my experience that I am asking you to do your own research. There is No Accountability for Pharmaceutical Companies! Read the Homeland Security & Patriot Acts. Brilliant researchers are refuting their studies because they’re afraid of loosing their livelihood. May God guide your steps.

By: Chris

Chris — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 19:26:05 +0000

Well as a mother of a 9 year old ADHD daughter and an 11 year old ADD daughter
with emotional issues I will say that the most important thing you can do is talk to your
child, talk with their doctors, and decide for yourself what is the right treatment for your children/family.

My younger daughter benefits greatly from medicine for her ADHD, my older daughter does not. We use the Total Focus and Total Transformation programs endorsed by the raising small souls website, and they have worked wonders for us.

Every child and situation are different, as well as the right solution for each family as a whole.

So DO NOT feel discouraged or like giving up no matter how difficult it may become, your twins are worth it. And don’t be afraid to ask for help from anybody and everybody, use every resource available to you.

And if you believe in God and prayer then continue with it, some days it is the only thing that gets my family through to the next day.

By: Lyn

Lyn — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 19:10:51 +0000

I just want to say that I disagree with the “zero-tolerance” policy. You are talking about a 5 year old. With zero tolerance the situation is not looked at on a case-by-case situation to see what the real issue is. I have seen many children’s lives ruined because of zero tolerance. In a zero tolerance society there is no room to learn from a mistake or accident. You screw up once and we are done with you. The problem is never solved, you just get rid of the “problem”. Aren’t we supposed to be teaching the children?

By: Rick

Rick — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 17:53:54 +0000

Although my son was not using threatening remarks, he was hitting or sometimes even biting other children in Junior Kindergarten. We took him on a couple of occasions to apologize, at school in front of his peers, to the children he hurt. We also talked to him on a daily basis for three months (YES 3 MONTHS) about violence and related topics. Why three months? Because it is generally accepted in the medical field that it takes at least that amount of time to change a behavior. The second thing we learned about changing violent behavior was from my daughters third grade teacher. My daughter was participitaing in a “clique”. These 6 or 8 girls (depending on who was “in” on any given day) would go around and push, swat and most of all use foul language toward any girls on the “outside”. This is very common in grade 3 and we talked to our daughter about the negative side of the situation for both her and the girls being maligned. The breakthrough was when we talked to her teacher about the situation. Her response blew us away. She simply said “GIVE HER LOT’S OF LOVE”. WOW! You know what. We did! And it worked, especially when our daughter found herself on the other side of the clique and came to us for support. My son is now in grade 3 has adjusted well. My daughter is in grade 8 and is one of the most popular and respected students in school. To recap…lot’s of LOVE and PATIENCE are the best foundation for growth. Hope this helps

By: Jennifer B

Jennifer B — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 16:16:03 +0000

Also, much to our dismay. In regards to movies. PG means Parental guidance.
PG-13 is not for children under 13. Now days, you will very seldom find a G movie. But those are the only ones suitable for young children. You can’t stop a movie everytime something controversial comes along. And that’s what parental supervision entails.

By: Tara

Tara — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 16:15:03 +0000

The variety of responses gives the parents ideas to consider. I would add asking that someone at the school observe him and document his day to see if there are any triggers for the behaviors. I would also ask the family to look at other models for this behavior either within the family or neighborhood–bullies and adults with anger control issues make huge impressions on young minds.
I agree that the school’s response is drastic. If the child is on an Individual Educational Plan (IEP) the parents should ask that his team assemble immediately. There are a number of ways to address the issue through the team including but not limited to modifications such as giving the child positive encouragement and messages, providing prompts prior to transitions –we will be stopping this and doing this in 5 minutes and then another in 1 minute, making sure that the child has opportunities to move, and other suggestions that a skilled team will develop. The team may suggest that the child have additional testing. Was this child born prematurely? There may be physiological or neurological impairments that were not detectable earlier or that more sophisticated testing might reveal.
Finally, the problem is not the child’s. It’s a problem that is a result of a constellation of factors. Suspension pegs the problem to the child and only reinforces negative impressions and a negative self-image. The school and adults in this child’s life need to assume responsibility for helping this child and setting him on a positive path. Adults often fail to comprehend the fact that young children form opinions of themselves at early ages and those opinions often are the largest barriers to future success. If this child thinks of himself in a negative way it could shape him for life. He needs to have the positive accentuated so he can feel successful and use that feeling to address areas of concern.

By: Jennifer B

Jennifer B — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 16:03:09 +0000

I have 3 boys. 6,5, and 1. My 5 year old has major behavior issues as well. Including the threats to others and himself. He has the worst time with girls, as he is much stronger then he thinks. Even one of his bear hugs can cause retaliation from others.
Here is my solution that appears to work well.

1. I homeschool but the main point is to spend as much time as possible with the child. Aggression often comes from needing attention.
2. Spend no less then an hour outside in the fresh air where they can be active. Restlessness also causes the need to create action.
3. Get rid of all Technology. Bad TV, bad video games, bad songs. Our culture and times have taught us to start kids with cell phones at age 5. Technology is not for children, it is for scientists and businesses.
4. Have a no tolerance stance at home, in the store, every where. They need to understand that aggressive behavior is never acceptable. If you see any aggressive behavior from any outside factors. You must make sure they see the folly in it.

My son has made major improvements. But you have to do the work!
No teacher, therapist, medication, or any doctor can help if you don’t do the work yourself.

By: maxine

maxine — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 15:16:10 +0000

I would also recomend reading “how to talk so kids will listen, and listed so kids will talk.” I am approaching this in a two prong approach. First, get the proper evaluations and support, and concurrently increase the positive input so the child may become more internally motivated to gain your respect and approval by doing the things he knows will please you

By: Angela

Angela — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 15:01:58 +0000

I agree that the place to start is with an inventory of what this child is being exposed to in television, movies, and video games. Are there older children in this home? Sometimes, my younger children repeat things that my older children do/say. Have you tried talking to the child about what made him think these were okay things to say? I think we’ve all said things like, “I would kill so-and-so if he ever did that to me,” understanding full well that we would never resort to murder. There’s a difference between saying something and doing something. If this child has acted upon any of his threats, that’s when I would start to worry. It sounds as though this child has a difficult time expressing himself verbally. Anger is a normal human emotion. As parents, it’s our job to help our children recognize when they are angry and to guide them to find safe and appropriate ways to express that anger. One of the ways I have helped my son, who also has trouble expressing himself verbally, is to give him a journal in which he can write about his feelings. This would work even with a child as young as yours. If words fail, he can draw pictures. Those words and pictures may hold some clues for you about what’s really going on in this child’s mind. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

By: Gina

Gina — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 14:02:18 +0000

Dear Mom,

I diaagree with Linda. It sounds as though she may have had some unpleasant school experiences that have lead to her response. I am a Speech Pathologist in the public schools and I have taught there for the past 27 years. I also have a son (now 12) who is Emotionally Handicapped, ODD and ADHD. He had similiar and more aggressive physical behaviors in kindergarten and first grade. My child’s school was very helpful and supportive but their hands are tied when a child becomes physically aggressive and uses verbal violent threats. They must respond to keep other students and staff members safe. Since I work with Special Needs children and have a Special Needs child myself, I believe that I can see both sides of the coin.
First of all, I would want to talk to the teacher and the principal. If the children are still seeing a Speech Pathologist, I would want that person to be present as well. Discuss the current behaviors. Are they happening at home as well? Have time-outs been effective? The consequences for behavior should be the same at school and at home, so as not to confuse the child. I recommend a wonderful book called “1,2,3 Magic” for both home and school to read. IF the boy is still in speech therapy, a behavior plan can be developed to help deal with the behaviors at school. I recommend Social Stories and pictures: “If I get angry, I can…” and then list acceptable behaviors and words to use. It sounds as though he’s angry and needs the proper words to use. “I don’t like it when you correct me. It makes me angry.”
I think that it makes sense to have the doctor examine the boys and for you to discuss this behavior with him/her.
I am not sure that I would go as far as putting your child on a severely restricted food regime, but I would limit sugars, fast food and caffeine. See if that makes a difference. Lots of regular exercise is essential as well. This should reduce aggression, improve attention and sleep, if they have any sleep problems. I strongly agree with those who have said limit or do away with violent TV or video games and don’t let the boys see you watching them either. Wait until they are asleep if you must watch such shows.
I wish you luck and I will keep you in my prayers. Turn to family and friends who will support you and give you a break from the boys as needed. Raising twin boys has to be tiring and stressful for you. You don’t mention a spouse, but it you have a partner, the way that you both deal with the boys needs to be consistent. NO physical punishment!You need to take care of yourself as well! Getting time for yourself or you two as a couple will make everyone happier and more relaxed. Best of luck!

By: Rabbi

Rabbi — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 13:02:12 +0000

WHile I don’t disagree with getting toxins out of your child’s environment, I want to note that Linda is factually incorrect about vaccines and is offering advice which is not only wrong but dangerous. Many many followups have been done on vaccines and even the original authors of the one study that showed that there might (!) be a link between vaccines and autism have withdrawn their names from that study. There is NO link between vaccines and any kind of toxins or behavioral problems NONE. PLease do not stop getting vaccines for your children. Vaccines have enabled most children to survive to adulthood – something that was untrue in previous centuries.
Witholding vaccination from your children poses a danger not only to them, but to the children around them.

By: Jean Anderson

Jean Anderson — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 09:00:40 +0000

I very much agree with your response. I think that children need to learn to respect and obey before they can ever be trusted with the huge responsibility of being in control. Control with out self control is rampant in our society today and is not pretty! And if a 5 they are disrespectful, what will they be at 10 if they are rewarded for their disrespect with more power and control. If in fact the situation at school is not in favor of the child then he should be taught to go to you with his situation rather than take matters into his own hands by disrespecting those in authority over him. I have witnessed first hand this situation and the child who never takes responsibility for his actions when corrected will become the adult who never takes responsibility for his actions. One of my favorite quotes is “I must learn to discipline myself before someone else has to do it for me”. The jails and prisons are full of undisciplined and disrespectful people who were once disrespectful/undisciplined 5 year olds. This may sound harsh but the evidence is stacked highly in favor of my point. How you get to the results is the parents personal priveledge and responsibility!

By: lata

lata — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 07:48:54 +0000

the responses to this question frighten me. i hear big words like homeschooling, provide a laptop (at 5 years). your country amazes me. why do you’ll have to medicalise evrything and pass on the buck to terrible schools, social workers and others.
why not look inward and find out if responsible childrearing is happening. think what your mother did i would say a good 20-25 years ago and choose from that what would work with your own child and use your own wisdom for God’s sake. odelia is right there is a definite link between TV violence and aggression (I think all caregivers should read research statistics, it will frighten you).
some tips as a parent and professional: 1.
1. Send your child down for unstructured play everyday for 2 hours
2. Keep technology far away from children, not developmentally appropriate
3. Cut out fast foods, and eating out to bare minimum
4. TV time should be restricted to 3 and a half hours a week, also co-view or monitor the content
5. instead of providing for material needs focus on being emotionally available to your child, therefore, connect with your family and your community.

Lata