Comments on: Children’s Wants Versus Needs

By: Mary

Mary — Fri, 24 Sep 2010 12:41:33 +0000

great article… been saving it in my inbox and finally read it. one thought propels me to write: toward end of article it seems you are implying it mom’s fault for not checking the pockets before doing laundry. i suppose she is not checking because that is not part of the laundry job but ultimately the child’s responsibility to check pockets before throwing clothes into a hamper.

By: Shannon

Shannon — Thu, 26 Aug 2010 17:54:33 +0000

Thank you for that! I was beginning to think I was the only parent out there who was thinking this!

By: Alan Carson

Alan Carson — Thu, 08 Jul 2010 11:47:36 +0000

Michele:

Thanks for commenting. I look forward to expressing my thoughts regarding these issues in my next Raising Small Souls article.

Alan

By: Michele

Michele — Tue, 29 Jun 2010 21:46:04 +0000

I total disagree with your philosphy on when to allow a child a cell phone. My daughter is entering into the 7th grade. She is a responsible child; however, does she “need” a cell phone. NO. By giving in to her “wanting” a cell phone because “all her friends have them” is equivilant to adults wanting what the “Jones” have. I don’t feel there is much good that comes out of kids texting each other. There is too much bullying and harassment among kids as it is. Texting gives them another tool to do this. If my daughter wants to “talk” to her friends, she may do so from our home phone. As she becomes older and is given more freedom to go places unsupervised with friends, then yes, there will be a “need” for a cell phone, but not in 5th, 6th or 7th grade.

By: Alan Carson

Alan Carson — Thu, 24 Jun 2010 20:30:24 +0000

Neeta:

I believe you are doing the right thing— it sounds like you are being consistent. At some point when the “the pain of changing becomes less than the pain of remaining the same,” and he gets sick and tired of creating his own problems, and he’ll shape up. But you need to be consistent, or your son will test and test.

Alan

By: neeta

neeta — Mon, 21 Jun 2010 03:29:25 +0000

great article and thought. Have tried my best to follow the same idea when my child was young but he did not shape up just gave up. it did not matter to him that he did not have what he wanted to. He did not get phone till he was to go away on a trip, he did not get laptop untill highschool graduation money management it still an issue so gets only monthly pocket money and still runs out and then sits in dorm room for last ten days of the month every month. says he understand but but actions don’t change much. Do I have bigger problem on my hand that I have refused to believe? He has ADHD and is fairly controlled with medication.

By: Alan Carson

Alan Carson — Fri, 18 Jun 2010 23:47:52 +0000

Laura:

I am pleased to hear you loved it. Two options would be to click and drag your cursor over the text, when it is highlighted, click copy, and the open up a blank word processing document and
and click paste. That should work. You are also welcome to email me (address that the end of the article), and I will send it to you. Alan

By: Katina Mooneyham

Katina Mooneyham — Fri, 18 Jun 2010 18:47:46 +0000

There were several factors involved in my decision to give my oldest (now almost 17–then 15) a cell phone. One was that when she was at her father’s house (we are divorced–I’m now remarried) she didn’t have a reliable form of communication with me. Another factor was we could actually afford this phone on our plan and decided it was a good deal to get it. I believe(d) that she was responsible enough for the cell phone. She tells me every time someone she does not know calls and is honest about who and when she calls. Besides, I told her I could check out that information anyway with our call logs that we can get online.

Now, my almost eleven year old is communicating interest in a cell phone. While we aren’t sure yet, I will take this article into consideration when we do make the ultimate and final decision for a cell phone.

Blessings,

Katina Mooneyham

By: Laura

Laura — Fri, 18 Jun 2010 14:35:54 +0000

I love this article – how can I PRINT it and keep it taped to my refrigerator????

By: Avrohom

Avrohom — Fri, 18 Jun 2010 06:32:37 +0000

The title of this message caught my eye. I’ve been listening to a CD lecture by a well-known speaker on the Jewish speaking circuit, who lambasts all of us for our combined anti-social cell phone habits. In particular he chastises parents for being poor role models for our children to emulate when it comes to cell phone use/abuse.
Thank you for also addressing this widespread problem.

By: Didi

Didi — Fri, 18 Jun 2010 02:48:29 +0000

Hi,

My son began asking in 6th grade. Though he is a very responsible kid, I didn’t think he needed one. However, I told him when there are 3 incidences that having a cell phone would have resolved a situation we would buy him one. During the summer after 7th grade we had reached the 3rd incidence.

We gave him a basic freebie phone and when he dropped it in the toilet, he bought a phone from craigs list for $20.

When his father bought a new phone, 2 yrs later, he got a 2 for 1 deal and he finally got a brand new phone. Which he takes much better care for.

By: Glenda

Glenda — Thu, 17 Jun 2010 18:31:12 +0000

Thank you for this article. There are several views to the cell phone campaign. My son’s father and I are not together. However, last year we purchased a cell phone for our eight year old son. As parents, we consistently teach responsibility with his homework, chores, etc. Our decision to provide him a phone was a way to communicate specifically with us and family members. We are able to provide blocks from outside calls (within the phone itself) and only restrict calls from the contacts that we add to his phone. In addition, his cellphone use only adds to his ability to communicate with us. He learned how to take and send pictures, text us, if necessary, and call us at any given moment (within reason).
In addition, as parents, we also need to learn that neither child nor adult should manipulate the situation. We should remember that any given situation should not be reminiscent of our past as children–with restrictions (if any) that were placed on us.
I support the idea that the approach to earned privileges is beautiful, where debates, attacks, and criticisms are not held. We place the burden on our children.

By: Cari

Cari — Thu, 17 Jun 2010 18:26:05 +0000

Thanks for the article and the play-by-play script! It was really helpful.

By: Tiyanasmom

Tiyanasmom — Thu, 17 Jun 2010 17:33:57 +0000

This is the answer I have prepared. “No. You are responsable and smart and I want to keep you that way. Cell phones emit dangerous radiowaves that cause brain tumors, sterility, genetic damage, hormonal damage and other serious health effects. I know a lot of your friends use cell phones, but they are going to pay dearly for it in years to come. Nothing is more important to me than your health.”

By: Margie

Margie — Thu, 17 Jun 2010 16:31:22 +0000

My fifth grader is on the cell phone campaign. I just see no reason for her to have one yet. She would just use it to chat with her friends and after overhearing some of those chats and having a good chuckle, I know for sure she doesn’t need a cell phone yet. But more importantly for me, we really DO NOT know the physical effects of the phone on our bodies, our brain and the less access she has to a cell phone next to her developing brain, the better. I’d rather she keep downloading music on her Ipod and belting out those songs singing to the hairbrush in her bedroom……

By: Kai

Kai — Thu, 17 Jun 2010 15:43:35 +0000

Great ideas! We limit purchases of gadgets and such to only birthdays and Christmas. In fact, my rising 5th grader just received her 1st cell phone for her birthday. She has high functioning autism and spends time away from home so I felt it was a necessity. She has a base model, no camera, no frills, prepaid phone, and she realizes she has to demonstrate responsibility with that one if she ever wants an upgrade. She has misplaced it several times, forgotten to charge it, forgotten to take it with her, forgotten to turn the ringer on, BUT it’s only been a month, she hasn’t lost it, it’s not broken, and she’s being very frugal with her minutes as well. I have to say that I can’t base her ability to care for one thing (ie. her room) on her ability to care for something else. Her special needs do affect her ability to stay neat and organized and to remember where she put things. But overall she’s a good kid who tries really hard to do the right thing. It is that combined with practical needs that prompted our cell phone purchase.

By: CD's mom

CD's mom — Thu, 17 Jun 2010 15:34:00 +0000

My 8 year old, about to enter 3rd grade, has been begging for a cell phone. Our answer is no until he’s older and more ready for that responsibility. He asked for a ball python, too, after visiting a snake museum. Given his not-good history with pet chores, I challenged him to take care of the pets we already have (fish and our cat) on his own, without reminding, for 30 days. Even with a re-start halfway through due to an extended visitation with his dad, he didn’t fulfill it. And then his grandparents and his father lovingly (?) provided him with the gift of enough money to buy the snake – a couple hundred dollars. My son called me from vacation, gushing with enthusiasm and holding the snake he’d fallen in love with, and I had to tell him no. I said to him (over the phone!) that we’d talked about the fact that pets mean responsibility, and he hadn’t shown that he was ready for that responsibility, so we, as a mom-and-boy team, had to stick to what we know is true. So no snake, but that we/I would revisit it again another time, when he’s showing me he is more responsibile. And now, with the cell phone, he remembers the snake conversation and although he asks often, he seems to get it that the answer is no, and why. Hope this story helps – tough love, but it works.

By: Daniel

Daniel — Thu, 17 Jun 2010 06:27:36 +0000

Great post with great suggestions. I guess this is a problem that is ruining many kids these days, and it’s so unnecessary. I hope many parents find this post!

By: Marianna

Marianna — Wed, 16 Jun 2010 23:50:03 +0000

BRAVO!! I know a very bright, capable child who just graduated from high school who perfectly fits your description of the underachieving child. It is so terriby sad to see so much potential going down the drain and knowing that it is the direct result of parents who were afraid to say no for fear of how they would be perceived by their child.

I have a child entering 5th grade who has started the cell phone campaign. I love your suggestions for dealing with the decision.

By: Marlene

Marlene — Wed, 16 Jun 2010 20:12:56 +0000

Good ideas, thank you very much. I like the way you teach responsibility for possessions, so often my children take their gadgets for granted and do not care for them properly.