Yell at Your Kids in the Afteroon… but Not in the Mornings!
Yell at your kids in the afternoon, but…
… NOT in the mornings!
This week, we are going to incorporate a new habit into our lives. The purpose of this particular habit is to make our children’s living more pleasant and to give them the emotional tools that they need to develop and maintain healthy and happy relationships.
Let us begin with the premise that the morning sets the tone remainder of the day. We all know that ‘waking up on the wrong side of the bed’ can forecast the beginning of a troublesome day, so the opposite must hold true as well: a pleasant morning will foretell the wonderful afternoon that is ahead!
Before you call Child Protection Services about RaisingSmallsouls’ promotion of yelling at your children in the afternoons, read on!
This year, in 2008, we are making real, lasting changes. Like losing weight, mining for gold, or mastering a musical instrument, all things of value take time. (Granted, that is a difficult concept in this instant-day-and-age!)
Thus, the title ‘Yell at Your Kids in the Afternoon’ is not actually condoning screaming in the afteroons; rather it is a provocative statement meant to draw you towards the concept of creating happier mornings. (Ok, you knew that- however it needed to be stated in order to deter lawsuits!)
For the rest of this month, RaisingSmallSouls parents are going to actively create a joyful morning atmosphere in their homes.
Here a couple of ‘Rise & Shine’ ideas to get you and your children off to a brighter start!
1) Create a hot breakfast meal together: Have your children help you make blueberry pancakes, whole-grain waffles, or a berry-and-milk-smoothie.
2) Tell a story from your childhood: My children’s favorites are the ones about losing my passport in a foreign country and capsizing in a rowboat. (I suppose hearing about Mom being in a vulnerable situation is always a hit!)
3) Using old magazines and photos of your child create a collage together. Themes like sports, favorite things, and places we want to visit are just a few of the many sources of inspiration you can use for this simple yet memorable project.
4) Institute a ‘calm voices’ rule for the mornings. Define when the morning period ends- perhaps when breakfast is over, beds are made, or school starts. Feel free to say, after a tennis ball has shattered your lamp, “I’m feeling upset, so I’m going in to my room alone for a few minutes to calm down so that I don’t shout at you.” What a wonderful message you will be sharing about controlling outbursts!
This week we are ‘doing good’ and ‘straying from bad’ in the mornings: No raised voices, and more joint fun activities.
Share what has worked for you below, and MAKE IT A GREAT DAY
[...] Now I’m all for a “joyful morning atmosphere”, but some of her other “Rise and Shine” ideas, like making blueberry pancakes WITH the kids, is downright impossible in my household on school days. Like my husband, my daughter is a zombie for at least the first hour upon waking, so the idea of baking at 6.00 a.m. would probably solicit more yelling from me anyway. But she does make a good point in saying that: “Let us begin with the premise that the morning sets the tone remainder of the day. We all know that ‘waking up on the wrong side of the bed’ can forecast the beginning of a troublesome day, so the opposite must hold true as well: a pleasant morning will foretell the wonderful afternoon that is ahead!” Share and Enjoy:These icons link to social bookmarking sites where readers can share and discover new web pages. [...]
I can say this all sounds like it is written from a homeschooling stay at home Mom….I’m a working Mom of three children 11, 9, and 7 that go to public school. I have to be out the door and totally ready to go by 730-745am everyday…so the idea of waking up at around 5am just to cook a hot breakfast isn’t really on my to-do list for the day. Most of the time the reason my kids get yelled at in the morning is because they are goofing around and not getting ready instead they are sitting on the floor of their room staring into outter space like they have been for the last 20 min. completely oblivious to the fact that now they have totally blown the time for eating that morning. We had to implement a policy that you have to totally be ready to walk out the door BEFORE you can eat breakfast…sort of a motivator to get ready. Trust me–they only have to go hungry one time. That really eliminated a lot of morning stress now they get ready because they want to eat. I read a comment earlier about consequences and children have to learn that there are consequences for actions–whether positive or negative–this is one way to teach them not only being responsible for themselves–but consequences for actions—time management skills–and teaching them to take care of themselves–things that are quite helpful in life. My goal as a parent is to raise up God serving responsible—ready to live on their own adults. Therefore my kids do laundry, clean bathrooms, dishes, vacuum, every household responsibility they share in….all having the goal of preparing them for “real life”. I think some of what is said above is not “real life” for working Mom’s anyway. When I stayed at home when they were little this advice was perfect! I DO agree that yelling in the morning is not good—and we should all try our best to send our kids off to school with the best attitudes….helps the day go better!
I’m definitely going to be trying to implement some of these ideas into my own day in the hopes of making 2009 a little more peaceful. I’m a single mom to 5 children (oldest is 7, youngest is 4 months) and we certainly need some change to cut down on the grumpiness (on my part) and irritability (on my children’s part). Thanks!
There is a scientific basis for this as well. When we yell, or are yelled at, we revert to our limbic system and creates the “fight or flight” we’ve all heard of. When we are thinking in our limbic system, we cannot function as well for several minutes, even hours. Setting a good example for the kids is the best way to get them to do what we’d like.
Some Really Good Ideas there, Moms!
Esp. the “Do It The Night Before” stuff … to which I added (successfully for the most part)
- SET the TABLE (sometimes creatively) the night before - including the cereal box / fruit etc.
- Clothes, Lunches & Schoolbooks Ready also.
As the evening (after child has gone to bed) is MY time of the Day … I set up these things LOVINGLY & creatively so that breakfast-morning is an INTERESTING time of day.
- Sometimes leave Notes & Drawings on table too - Incl. Practical Reminders of appts. etc.
-MUST acknowledge that ‘Different Strokes for Different Blokes’ applies to any A.M. Routine due to different AGES/STAGES & NUMBERS of kids in family.
**** Evening Before PREP, Established Routine & AGREED-TO RULES of CONDUCT *****
can make 90 per cent of our mornings SUCCESSFUL, leaving less to Chance.
Jo
When I was a child, one of the persons that I FEARED the most, was my father. He had a terrible habit of always yelling at us(morning, afternoon and night). Long story short, I grew up hating my father for this and many other things, but especially the yelling. Reading Ellen’s newsletter about making pancakes in the morning reminded me of somthing that I had forgotten about. I remember waking up one morning and my father was making pancakes. He smiled at me and asked me if I would like some pancakes for breakfast and I said yes. I’m 35 yrs. old now and to this day, although I feared and hated my father for many years, this is one of the sweetest memories of my childhood and above all, the reason for why I now love my father very much. What a difference something like this can make on a childes life. Thanks Ellen for reminding me of this and for all that you have written about. To those parents reading this, please don’t yell at your kids. You WILL suffer the consequences.
The question is ‘ How do we stop yelling ???’ , any effective plan of action ???????
This is my goal everyday , but …..I wish I could control myself , how do you do it??????
More realistic than pancakes in the morning is some oatmeal (whole grain is best) or cream of wheat. They both take about 6 min to make and don’t require any flipping!
I have three kids, 2, 10, and 14… I think I have hit all the hard stages at once! :o) My ten year old has Tourettes Syndrome and they are many challenges to that. I really like this idea and I totally agree with it! I have noticed that no matter if it is a hot breakfast or a rushed morning it doesn’t matter. What matters is my reaction to it all. If I am excited about cereal… they will be too… if I make a game out of being rushed… you know pretend to be a dinasaur for the little one and for the older ones be Hannah Montana… :o) We have a lot of fun here! My husband is never home and travels because of the military… He is in Iraq right now so just a word of encouragement to all of you moms out there. Its not what we feed them or how much time we have it is what we do with that time that matters to these little ones or bigger ones! I don’t do this in my own strength.. God is next to me helping me through it all my prayer is that he does the same for all of you! Make this a wonderful year ladies!
Any real working morning idea for those who have 4 or more kids to get ready in the morning (including needing to nurse one)?
Dear Muppe
INCREDIBLE situation. Sounds like you are overwhelmed - which I can sympathize with!
Organization the night before is KEY to coping here.
Plus, getting kids to help in whatever specific way Really helps.
I wd start by having a MEETING with children to discuss the a.m. routine … let them know what you see are Problems in the a.m. & get their ideas on how to solve them, including SPECIFICS of what they are prepared to do … lunches / clothing / showers etc.
- Prep. the Night Before helps a great deal, and just having them be aware of the Problem, Setting Goals for their Own Behavior, and working as a TEAM & to Help Mom.
- ie, let them take some Responsibility for having A.M.s run Smoother - pride of Accomplishment will follow.
- MEET at the end of the week to reassess if you had a better week because of their efforts … and consider a special Treat = REWARD. Part of the ‘Reward’ can be as simple as your PRAISE for their effort - esp. acknowledging individual efforts too.
I hope you have an adequate “Support Network” for you & family … if not, work at improving it - Teachers / Counsellors / Family / Friends / Church … a single working Mother of 4 is a lot to handle - you are no good to yourself or kids if you get Totally Burned Out.
Sincere Best Wisehs! Jo
Here is what worked for me: Everybody has to be dressed to come to the breakfast table and I read aloud while they get eat. If anyone stops doing either, I stop reading. Most days I read for twenty minutes (time enough to feed the little one). We all walk out the door calm and ready for the next day. I have read all the Edward Eager novels this way and the Little House series. The kids know I will start reading without them if they don’t get to the table. We do backpacks the night before so all we have to do is brush teeth and walk out the door.
Peaceful mornings are a must in my home. I have triplet girls age 9 and twin girls age 13 and I love waking them all with kisses and a gental stroke to thier heads… soft words of love and kindness go a long way and sets the tone for the morning.
All very good ideas! I’m a working mom as well, so I don’t have time to cook in the morning either. A point I would like to make is that sometimes we underestimate how much our kids can actually do. If you talk to them and actually ask them for help in the mornings, you’d be surprised at the positive response you’ll get. Kids are always willing to show you how “grown up” they are. When I found myself running late in the mornings, I sat down with both my kids, one is 6 and the other is 15, and I told them I needed help. Between the three of us we came up with ways that we can save time. I decided to take showers at night instead of the morning. I also pack my lunches for the week on Sunday night. Usually I just bring microwavable lunches and put them in the work fridge. I make sure we have quick breakfast foods, such as high protein breakfast bars, yogurt and granola or instant oatmeal. My 6 year old son decided to start putting out his clothes at night. He decides what to wear the night before, including socks and underwear, and puts them at the end of his bed. I also taught him how to do his hair so that he can do it in the mornings. He enjoys being prepared and organized and it makes him feel grown up. My 15 year old refuses to take showers at night, so she just decided to wake up 1/2 hour earlier. Her jobs are to bring mom coffee (She’s up before me and it helps me wake up.
and start the car 5 min. before we leave. It’s amazing how just a couple things can save a ton of time!
This article came just in time. I usually do not post comments, but I felt the timing of my reading this and the morning I have endured was more than just a coincidence. I am still at a loss when it takes my child twenty minutes to get up from bed and another ten minutes to walk two feet to the bathroom, and another ten minutes of getting dressed, ……etc. etc. until we are left with one minute to get to the bus stop all the way down the block.
Li i - - My Sympathies for you - and your daughter!
- When I was a Teen there were many A.M.s when I was the ‘Morning Dead’ but as a younger child I woke up much more alert. A Teen’s body goes through a lot of changes, and their Social Life / Education become much more complex. I couldn’t fall asleep at night and this may be why I woke up tired.
There are always REASONS behind these things, but it takes some thinking to get to the bottom of things. I would suggest DISCUSSION with your daughter, with the idea of being helpful & sincerely interested in her feelings / experience. Maybe even share this website and its helpful ideas with her …
If all else fails, make sure that she has her annual check-up with Dr. and gets to discuss these things - or else counselling. She might be having trouble at school, or with friends, or she might be in the middle of a growth spurt!
Good Luck!
Julie, if you are still wondering how to stop yelling, may I suggest taking as many parent education classes as you can. There you will learn so many ways on how to control yourself, as well as effective parenting skills. Not all parenting classes are the same, so look for at least one where you will feel comfortable and above all, where you feel that you are getting the help that you need. I strongly suggest familyoutreachclba.org… I’m sure that Ellen can also help you with the problems that you face. Best wishes
One thing my 9 year old and I do is to take 5 minutes in the “Loving Chair” in the morning. We call out “Loving Chair” and both run to the recliner in the living room. I hold her and we talk about whatever–dreams from the night before, her concerns, whatever. I cuddle her and kiss her and it’s safe, happy time. It sets the tone for the day for both of us. It’s not that our mornings aren’t crazy getting an ADHD daughter and an ADD husband out the door but this just sets the tone for a happy day and helps us remember what family love is all about.
Heidi & Debbie - Everyone - You are truly INSPIRATIONAL ! Not only Great Ideas, but Loving Follow-Thro.
We all Cope Much Better when we FEEL that LOVE is the ‘baseline’ from which our Family is operating from.
I don’t read much these days, but have a quote from Milton Mayeroff that speaks to this:
In the context of a man’s life, caring has a way of ordering his other values and activities around it. When this ordering is comprehensive, because of the inclusiveness of his caring, there is a basic stability in his life; he is “in place” in the world, instead of being out of place, or merely drifting or endlessly seeking his place. Through caring for certain others, by serving them through caring, a man lives in the meaning of his own life. In the sense in which a man can ever be said to be at home in the world, he is at home not through dominating, or explaining, or appreciating, but through caring and being cared for.
yes, ‘Love is not always Enough’ - but it’s a solid foundation to start from. JL