Yell at Your Kids in the Afteroon… but Not in the Mornings!
Yell at your kids in the afternoon, but…
… NOT in the mornings!
This week, we are going to incorporate a new habit into our lives. The purpose of this particular habit is to make our children’s living more pleasant and to give them the emotional tools that they need to develop and maintain healthy and happy relationships.
Let us begin with the premise that the morning sets the tone remainder of the day. We all know that ‘waking up on the wrong side of the bed’ can forecast the beginning of a troublesome day, so the opposite must hold true as well: a pleasant morning will foretell the wonderful afternoon that is ahead!
Before you call Child Protection Services about RaisingSmallsouls’ promotion of yelling at your children in the afternoons, read on!
This year, in 2008, we are making real, lasting changes. Like losing weight, mining for gold, or mastering a musical instrument, all things of value take time. (Granted, that is a difficult concept in this instant-day-and-age!)
Thus, the title ‘Yell at Your Kids in the Afternoon’ is not actually condoning screaming in the afteroons; rather it is a provocative statement meant to draw you towards the concept of creating happier mornings. (Ok, you knew that- however it needed to be stated in order to deter lawsuits!)
For the rest of this month, RaisingSmallSouls parents are going to actively create a joyful morning atmosphere in their homes.
Here a couple of ‘Rise & Shine’ ideas to get you and your children off to a brighter start!
1) Create a hot breakfast meal together: Have your children help you make blueberry pancakes, whole-grain waffles, or a berry-and-milk-smoothie.
2) Tell a story from your childhood: My children’s favorites are the ones about losing my passport in a foreign country and capsizing in a rowboat. (I suppose hearing about Mom being in a vulnerable situation is always a hit!)
3) Using old magazines and photos of your child create a collage together. Themes like sports, favorite things, and places we want to visit are just a few of the many sources of inspiration you can use for this simple yet memorable project.
4) Institute a ‘calm voices’ rule for the mornings. Define when the morning period ends- perhaps when breakfast is over, beds are made, or school starts. Feel free to say, after a tennis ball has shattered your lamp, “I’m feeling upset, so I’m going in to my room alone for a few minutes to calm down so that I don’t shout at you.” What a wonderful message you will be sharing about controlling outbursts!
This week we are ‘doing good’ and ‘straying from bad’ in the mornings: No raised voices, and more joint fun activities.
Share what has worked for you below, and MAKE IT A GREAT DAY
Me and my son make breakfast every Monday morning together and it is great. He is young still but we talk and help each other and it makes our day start off with a smile. We always seem to make pancakes and sausage but we both like it!
Lots of great ideas and feedback to this article. Thanks to everyone. I know from experience with my six (youngest now 15, eldest 29), that the fact that some individuals are “morning people” and some are not needs to also be taken into account. Some of my teenagers especially did not want to interact before say 9, so we set up situations that would require as little of that as we could. Like they learned early to set their own alarm clocks so that my voice wasn’t the first irritating thing they heard each day, and I didn’t have the frustration of harassing them awake. It only took a few experiences of not having the time they needed before embarking for the day to help them get in the groove with that. Also, we try not to get into intense issues in the a.m. As mentioned already, covering them the night before whenever possible is one way to avoid confrontations early in the day. I am seeing positive results with my one remaining son at home now from our pleasant mornings, and I am glad for this reinforcement. I’m one of those single moms. Thanks again to all who commented and for this forum.
I COMPLETELY agree with Kathy; BED EARLIER. Mornings where I am up early after 8 hours of sleep and have time to exercise, shower, drink coffee and read a chapter of the Bible are SO much better!!! Time management helps also, making goals and allowing fun time if everyone cooperates. Thanks for this Ellen, yelling in the morning is NO FUN!
Kristi
I am not a morning person at all. So for us me making a big breakfast or doing an art project with the kids in the early morning just isn’t going to happen.
However I understand how just one bad moment first thing in the morning can impact your entire day. So I am useing what I can from all of the advice on here.
Prepare lunches the night before
Put clothes the night before
Check to make sure all shoes, hats, gloves, coats, backpacks, and homework is where they belong and in useable order the night before
No raising of my voice
No arguing with the children
If we have time whip up a smoothie for breakfast
Thank you all for all the advice!
I agree with comment #10, but also wanted to add that it is very helpful for me to get up at least one hour before my kids, have my coffe, read and prepare breakfast for them. I have 4 kids and I work full time. My 3 kids are teenagers and one is 10 years old. I have been doing this for a long time and it really decreases the stress in the house. The more organized one is and the less the stress
To all those who are complaining that the ideas in the article are unreasonable, I would have previously thought so too, but it is how much of a priority you make those things that determines how possible they are. No doubt we are all busy in the a.m. I have 3 children 5,8,11 and a full time job, actually two jobs. My husband owns his own business and is out the door before the kids even wake. It would be tempting to say that I don’t have time to make pancakes, spend time with my kids, and focus on not yelling, but in reality, it is up to me to MAKE time. I would love to not have to get up early – I am NOT a morning person. But if getting up an hour early means I can be showered and dressed before the kids get up, have a start on lunches, and take some time to catch my breath, then I WILL have the time to cuddle, be PATIENT, and yes, even make pancakes. So it doesn’t work every morning for me, I have a nasty habit of sleeping in
but on the mornings that I do make the effort, the difference is AMAZING! It can be done
It’s so nice to read this — and see other parents also struggle with short tempers and rushed atmospheres in the a.m. sometimes I feel like such an ogre! but i do notice the difference in my kids — when i yell my eldest sets out to school forlorn and moody. he’s TYPICALLY forlorn and moody, lol, but i don’t want to be the cause! so, i too, will take the “yell only after school” vow, adn give it a go. Thanks for the suggestion! anne
Why do we yell in the morning? Because someone is dawdling or has lost something and we think we’re going to be late. However, I find that yelling makes everything WORSE, and a big argument or scolding definitely puts us off track to be on time. So aside from setting a bad tone to the day, it is also prevents us from doing the No. 1 thing we need to do in the morning: Get out of the house on time. I just take a deep breath and exercise some (quiet) patience or some humor. Also, if a child is sleepy and mom is all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed and trying to engage the child in conversation, ask what they want to eat before they can even think about food, etc., that is just irritating. I have a teenager who is not a morning person at all. I try to talk to him as little as possible in the morning!
Okay, maybe not realistic to expect the morning to be “help Daddy in the kitchen” time. I am too tired then, and certainly have more patience for that when we cook diiner together. Here is the one thing I haven’t heard anyone say. Why is it EVER okay to yell. If you have to yell over your children, then you have lost control. And it only teaches them to yell. My twins are 3 1/2 years old, and i’m a stay-at-home Dad. We have good and bad days, ups and downs, but mostly much laughter. One thing they have never heard is me YELLING. I don’t think there is ever an excuse….morning or afternoon.
I have started something similar. My 9 year old daughter has a very hard time waking up. I find that if I get her up and have her get a shower, she has a better morning and a better day. I have just added, getting her own breakfast and making sure she has everything in her book bag. We make breakfast together on the weekends. She pretends she is the waitress, takes our orders and prepares everthing with my supervision. She’s getting very good a flipping eggs.
I like what Billie says about snuggling in the morning,so your child wakes up to the voice of someone who loves them. It just takes a few minuets of our time to make our kids feeled loved and secure in who they are. I think some of us may be missing the point, it isnt pancakes in the morning it’s giving your child/or children (we have 5) your time. Telling them “hey, you are special, and I love you no matter what”
When my oldest ds attended public school (we home school now), he preferred to get up an half-hour early, so he could “wake-up” while getting to watch t.v. However, as he has gotten older, it has become necessary to institute the rule – “you must be completely ready, before you can have electronics”, as many others have already stated.
We too, had our ds repeat our instruction back to us. Then, I read/was told another wonderful “hint” that works well for us, especially for Asperger’s Syndrome or ADD/ADHD kids – hold their hand while telling them the instruction & having them repeat it back to you. I know that seems easy/simple, trust me, taking the “minute” to stop, walk down the hall, hold his hands, list the instructions, & have him repeat it back to you – takes a lot of “will power” over just ‘yelling the instructions’ to him. But it really does make a big difference – hope it will for you to.
Also, these kiddos, cannot remember long lists of instructions. Start small (age dependent, of course) – 3 is a good starting point for school age.
I would also encourage parent’s of kid’s with these types of issues to look into brain integration therapy, if they are elementary school & older, whether or not they are “labeled”. It can help “train” your child’s brain to be able to follow a list of instructions, among other things. I highly recommend http://www.diannecraft.org – she works with elementary children & worked in public schools for years.
tks for all the tips, i wish i had more time to read stuff like this!as a single mom of only one, age 5, i barely have the right to ‘lose it’!…but occasionally, since my daughter’s started kindergarten, i admit i’ve crossed over to the dark side a few mornings! my question is: is it ok to give her/us a break once in awhile and not make her go to school? i can hear all the gasps and scolding already, but there it is, i’m guilty of depriving my child of perfect attendance. elementary school these days isn’t quite what i remember,(and i’m not that old:), but it seems that our little ones are under alotta stress, and i’m sorry but my job is to protect my daughter’s spirit and well-being not to please the institution. i do feel for the teachers and understand the problems it can create if a child is continually absent etc but i’m not a mom layin in bed too lazy to get it together! i work, and i’m involved and attentive with her and her school, but i also recognize when it gets to be too much and she needs a day with mom at the beach makin fairy forts out of driftwood instead! so when i got a note home stating absences and asking for documentation of reasons, i felt all sorts of reactions welling up inside! please somebody tell me ur experience with this! am i committing a crime keeping her home once in awhile? should i be homeschooling? am i taking it too personally?!
For those of you who said we should get to bed eariler – KUDOS! You are exactly right! I recently read a fantastic article on sleep, and have started implementing many of the suggestions in the article. I cannot begin to tell you what an incredible difference it has made in our lives! I had no idea of the role the liver plays in sleeping! Or why it is that we get our “second wind”. This article explained it all. I would love to share the article with everyone (I’ve been handing out copies to all my friends) but I’m not sure how to do it. Joyce
I know a hot breakfast every morning is virtually impossible for most families, but I have tried to at least one morning a week make a hot breakfast. Usually this is on a Sunday or Saturday morning.
And getting to bed earlier is something we’ve been trying to institute for the whole family. It’s harder for me since I have a one month old, but since I am a stay at home mom I make sure everyone who needs to be is out the door (nephew–6 years old, sister, and husband), then make sure the 3 year olds have breakfast. Usually by then my one month old daughter falls back asleep and I have me time, either catching a short nap or reading.
We are working on not yelling at the kids. This is hard when dealing with a bossy, self-spoiled 3 year old girl (she picked up the baby and started carrying her around when I wasn’t looking!). But I know discipline is possible without yelling. Thanks everyone on your comments.
WOW!! I am so relieved to see that my children aren’t little freaks! Sometimes I think it’s only my kids who love then hate so much, forget that they were just getting dressed, etc. I am a single mama, so everything is done by me and yelling was starting to become just part of ‘who mom is’. When did that happen?? I was horrified when I finally realized how I look to my babies (2, 6 & 8). Who wants a mom that yells?
Quiet, calm voices are starting to reign again for most of the day now. And it’s only by God’s grace. But do what you can ahead of time. It’s better to anticipate a problem than react to one.
Too often in my house the morning was a whirlwind of loud voices, 2nd or 3rd requests to get ready, etc. I now know the problem is not with my kids, who are very normal (although ADHD :0)) 7 and 8 y/o boys but with the fact that I push myself until 1am to get “household” stuff done before bed. For the last year I’ve tried to push myself to go to bed an hour earlier and get up an hour earlier and it’s REALLY helped. I also make sure that I have absolutely everything ready the night before and do as much planning on the weekends as possible. I do ALL the laundry on the weekends, make up menu’s for dinner and breakfast, grocery shop, clean etc so I know that everything is ready and very available for the rest of the week. That way, when I get home from work in the evening I don’t have to do anything other then make dinner, do dishes, bathe the kids, help with homework and then have a little family time to unwind. The kids go to bed at 8 and I have time alone with my husband before bed. It makes for a much calmer, easier morning with no yelling and happy kids running up to school. Also, the 8pm bedtime for the boys makes it easier for them to wake up on their own in the morning without mean old mom waking them up yelling at them to hurry up!
Also, this is to Rae. I definitely think it’s OK to keep your daughter home for a vacation day but only if it’s in moderation. If the school is sending letters home it sounds like it’s been more then a few times. In my opinion, by sending kids to school daily it gives them the opportunity to respect a commitment and also helps them better deal with the daily routine and stress later in life. Even in kindergarten the kids are learning so much every day that even one day missed could make them fall behind. It’s not breaking their spirit by sending them to school…it’s preparing them for the dedication to a job and life in general even when things get tough. I let my kids miss school on their birthdays every year for something special if they choose to (usually they want to go to school though for the class party). Otherwise, their constant breaks are staggered pretty consistently through the year which allows us to have our special family outings. And actually, in some areas it is considered a crime to not send your child to school except of course for illness…it’s called truancy. Be careful!
Jaylene and a few other parents have mentioned using consenquences and taking away privileges to get kids to listen.
While these are important for children to learn the effects of their actions, I’ve found that giving many incentives works a whole lot better in getting kids to listen. It also makes them want to do what they’re told to instead of resenting what they’re doing (since they’re only doing it out of fear of the punishment).
HELP!! My son sucks his thumb, he’s 8-years-old and it is driving me crazy! Besides the disgusting sound and the fact that it is going to cause him to need braces is the fact that he talks with it in his mouth.. and does everything else with it in his mouth too! The worst part of all is that if he can’t do it with his thumb in his mouth.. he just doesn’t do it!! ! Please help me I can’t take it any more. I’ve tried bribes I’ve tried letting it go and ignoring it, I’ve tried nasty finger nail pain, I’ve tried subtle reminders and not subtle ones! Please I need some advice. How did I get him to stop?
In the book, “You Can’t MAKE ME! but I can be persuaded” it discusses finding incentives…
in the extreme, it would mean asking “What do I have to give you to make you do what I want? (or not do…)”
Like, a small prize for every day of no thumb,
and a big prize after a week of no thumb.
And don’t cave in too early for “good behavior.”
(Try to read about using incentives rather than
punishment).
(How about a game that requires 2 hands?!
http://sm.pachai.net
To Racheal:
I sucked my thumb until I was 12. Nothing my mother tried to do would help. Eventually, when I was ready, I stopped. And no, I did not need braces because of it, even though almost everyone told me I would.
I suggest you just give your son a lot of time and love. Find out what’s the CAUSE of this. Maybe he feels insecure, unloved and is reverting back to nursing?? Just a thought.
I agree pancakes in the morning would be Terrific, One question is Aunt Jamima coming to make them?
I have made it a habit to lay out clothes at night, have my 7 yr old make her lunch and we have a routine I say clothes and she names every piece she has laid out. Then says Check. I say lunch she says check, I say back pack she says check, then off to shower at 8 bed by 9! Its up to her if she gets TV time after her bath. And NO TV in the morning! I get up get her up NO talking to her! Bring her her olvatine and leave the room! I get ready, feed horses, load the Jeep and come back and brush my teeth (1 way to sneek to see if her toothbrush has been used and see if she is ready)!
I have learned the Fish Face! When she sees that she says Sorry Mommy!
See you can teach an old dog new tricks!
My suggestion for happy mornings is to go to Flylady.net and follow her instructions! If you have a good morning routine — if your before-bedtime routine got your clothes laid out, stuff placed by the front door (or in the car) for the morning commute … if you get up 15 minutes before your family and get yourself organized … if you declutter your home … all her basic ideas — then your mornings will be much sweeter.
Also, I like the idea of breakfast. It’s worth getting up a half hour earlier to have a real meal. With kids who are running hither and yon in the evenings to lessons adn practice and friends’ homes, etc., it’s hard to have dinner together. Even a couple of family breakfasts a week can make a big difference. The dining table (breakfast table, breakfast bar, etc.) is a place to connect with your kids.
You don’t have to make blueberry pancakes or whatever. You can eat cornflakes and bananas, or string cheese and bagels and peanutbutter and OJ … doeson’t matter. What does mattter is the slowing down, reconnecting, and taking a moment to celebrate your family-ness.
Oh, yeah — lemme share what I did about two screaming hormonal daughters in the mornings. I became Atilla the Mom. Scream about the curling iron? It goes into time out and you don’t get to use it. Scream about who gets into the bathroom first? Go to school w/o a shower today (it won’t kill them!). Scream about anything else, and you lose that privilege or item for awhile. B*tch and wine about breakfast? Don’t eat it!
Before you tell me that CPS will get you if you don’t let your child bathe or eat, let me tell you that you’re wrong. You are obliged to give them basics of survival. Curling irons, “goodies,” cute clothes, etc. are PRIVILEGES, not rights. Sometimes we just plain spoil our kids and turn them into overprivileged divas who are hard to live with and make others’ lives easier. If a child cannot show respect to herself, to me and to others, then she does not deserve privileges.
I ended up removing my eldest daughter’s bedroom door when she slammed it one time too many. Privacy is a privilege.
They shaped up — or maybe they outgrew it — but life calmed down at my house. The Love & Logic program helped me learn to set natural consequences to their actions, and enforce them without yelling myself. I highly recommend it.
i have been reading many of these wonderful pointers for parents to do at home in the morning for everyone to have a better day. i do everything possible the night before, which helps out soooo… much. one of the most important things i do with my children in the morning before they go to school is prayer for a hedge of protection around all of us and i believe the yelling in the morning is real bad for the rest of the day. keep the peace in your home, it is not always easy but find out what works for you. i like the sweater shelf idea that seems like it would be a big help. i’m glad i read all these wonderful ideas and i do recommend two books; “the strong willed child” and “dare to discpline.” hope they help you as they have me.
I can say this all sounds like it is written from a homeschooling stay at home Mom….I’m a working Mom of three children 11, 9, and 7 that go to public school. I have to be out the door and totally ready to go by 730-745am everyday…so the idea of waking up at around 5am just to cook a hot breakfast isn’t really on my to-do list for the day. Most of the time the reason my kids get yelled at in the morning is because they are goofing around and not getting ready instead they are sitting on the floor of their room staring into outter space like they have been for the last 20 min. completely oblivious to the fact that now they have totally blown the time for eating that morning. We had to implement a policy that you have to totally be ready to walk out the door BEFORE you can eat breakfast…sort of a motivator to get ready. Trust me–they only have to go hungry one time. That really eliminated a lot of morning stress now they get ready because they want to eat. I read a comment earlier about consequences and children have to learn that there are consequences for actions–whether positive or negative–this is one way to teach them not only being responsible for themselves–but consequences for actions—time management skills–and teaching them to take care of themselves–things that are quite helpful in life. My goal as a parent is to raise up God serving responsible—ready to live on their own adults. Therefore my kids do laundry, clean bathrooms, dishes, vacuum, every household responsibility they share in….all having the goal of preparing them for “real life”. I think some of what is said above is not “real life” for working Mom’s anyway. When I stayed at home when they were little this advice was perfect! I DO agree that yelling in the morning is not good—and we should all try our best to send our kids off to school with the best attitudes….helps the day go better!
I’m definitely going to be trying to implement some of these ideas into my own day in the hopes of making 2009 a little more peaceful. I’m a single mom to 5 children (oldest is 7, youngest is 4 months) and we certainly need some change to cut down on the grumpiness (on my part) and irritability (on my children’s part). Thanks!
There is a scientific basis for this as well. When we yell, or are yelled at, we revert to our limbic system and creates the “fight or flight” we’ve all heard of. When we are thinking in our limbic system, we cannot function as well for several minutes, even hours. Setting a good example for the kids is the best way to get them to do what we’d like.
Some Really Good Ideas there, Moms!
Esp. the “Do It The Night Before” stuff … to which I added (successfully for the most part)
- SET the TABLE (sometimes creatively) the night before – including the cereal box / fruit etc.
- Clothes, Lunches & Schoolbooks Ready also.
As the evening (after child has gone to bed) is MY time of the Day … I set up these things LOVINGLY & creatively so that breakfast-morning is an INTERESTING time of day.
- Sometimes leave Notes & Drawings on table too – Incl. Practical Reminders of appts. etc.
-MUST acknowledge that ‘Different Strokes for Different Blokes’ applies to any A.M. Routine due to different AGES/STAGES & NUMBERS of kids in family.
**** Evening Before PREP, Established Routine & AGREED-TO RULES of CONDUCT *****
can make 90 per cent of our mornings SUCCESSFUL, leaving less to Chance.
Jo
When I was a child, one of the persons that I FEARED the most, was my father. He had a terrible habit of always yelling at us(morning, afternoon and night). Long story short, I grew up hating my father for this and many other things, but especially the yelling. Reading Ellen’s newsletter about making pancakes in the morning reminded me of somthing that I had forgotten about. I remember waking up one morning and my father was making pancakes. He smiled at me and asked me if I would like some pancakes for breakfast and I said yes. I’m 35 yrs. old now and to this day, although I feared and hated my father for many years, this is one of the sweetest memories of my childhood and above all, the reason for why I now love my father very much. What a difference something like this can make on a childes life. Thanks Ellen for reminding me of this and for all that you have written about. To those parents reading this, please don’t yell at your kids. You WILL suffer the consequences.
The question is ‘ How do we stop yelling ???’ , any effective plan of action ???????
This is my goal everyday , but …..I wish I could control myself , how do you do it??????
More realistic than pancakes in the morning is some oatmeal (whole grain is best) or cream of wheat. They both take about 6 min to make and don’t require any flipping!
I have three kids, 2, 10, and 14… I think I have hit all the hard stages at once!
) My ten year old has Tourettes Syndrome and they are many challenges to that. I really like this idea and I totally agree with it! I have noticed that no matter if it is a hot breakfast or a rushed morning it doesn’t matter. What matters is my reaction to it all. If I am excited about cereal… they will be too… if I make a game out of being rushed… you know pretend to be a dinasaur for the little one and for the older ones be Hannah Montana… 
) We have a lot of fun here! My husband is never home and travels because of the military… He is in Iraq right now so just a word of encouragement to all of you moms out there. Its not what we feed them or how much time we have it is what we do with that time that matters to these little ones or bigger ones! I don’t do this in my own strength.. God is next to me helping me through it all my prayer is that he does the same for all of you! Make this a wonderful year ladies!
Any real working morning idea for those who have 4 or more kids to get ready in the morning (including needing to nurse one)?
Dear Muppe
INCREDIBLE situation. Sounds like you are overwhelmed – which I can sympathize with!
Organization the night before is KEY to coping here.
Plus, getting kids to help in whatever specific way Really helps.
I wd start by having a MEETING with children to discuss the a.m. routine … let them know what you see are Problems in the a.m. & get their ideas on how to solve them, including SPECIFICS of what they are prepared to do … lunches / clothing / showers etc.
- Prep. the Night Before helps a great deal, and just having them be aware of the Problem, Setting Goals for their Own Behavior, and working as a TEAM & to Help Mom.
- ie, let them take some Responsibility for having A.M.s run Smoother – pride of Accomplishment will follow.
- MEET at the end of the week to reassess if you had a better week because of their efforts … and consider a special Treat = REWARD. Part of the ‘Reward’ can be as simple as your PRAISE for their effort – esp. acknowledging individual efforts too.
I hope you have an adequate “Support Network” for you & family … if not, work at improving it – Teachers / Counsellors / Family / Friends / Church … a single working Mother of 4 is a lot to handle – you are no good to yourself or kids if you get Totally Burned Out.
Sincere Best Wisehs! Jo
Here is what worked for me: Everybody has to be dressed to come to the breakfast table and I read aloud while they get eat. If anyone stops doing either, I stop reading. Most days I read for twenty minutes (time enough to feed the little one). We all walk out the door calm and ready for the next day. I have read all the Edward Eager novels this way and the Little House series. The kids know I will start reading without them if they don’t get to the table. We do backpacks the night before so all we have to do is brush teeth and walk out the door.
Peaceful mornings are a must in my home. I have triplet girls age 9 and twin girls age 13 and I love waking them all with kisses and a gental stroke to thier heads… soft words of love and kindness go a long way and sets the tone for the morning.