Yell at Your Kids in the Afteroon… but Not in the Mornings!

This entry was posted on Tuesday, January 15th, 2008 at 1:32 pm and is filed under Parenting Advice, Values & Ethics, Words of Inspiration!, Effective Communication, Problem Solving, Emotional Development. You can follow any responses to this entry through the comments RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

60 Responses to “Yell at Your Kids in the Afteroon… but Not in the Mornings!”

1. Jaylene says:
   

   My first reaction is, what???? I don’t know that making blueberry pancakes as i’m trying to get 3 kids out the door and get myself ready for work is going to make the morning less stressful. The majority of my stress comes from have 2 girls, aged 11 and 13 screaming at each other because they have to share a room. My solution actually, instead of pancakes, was to provide a consequence for their actions, which was losing privileges (watching TV, computer time, stereo loss). The one thing you’re right aobut is that the morning sets the tone for the whole day. But i have to say if I need to raise my voice to be heard through the chaos, I’m still going to do it, because after all, it’s not only the kids that deserve their living experience to be more pleasant, adults deserve that too and part of learning for a kid is learning that there are consequences to actions they know are against “house rules” or any rules for that matter. So although I agree that yelling in the morning makes most of the rest of my day stink, having children that are disrespectful to each other or me is worse.

   January 15th, 2008 at 2:56 pm
2. anne says:
   

   Ellen,
   This is a great idea!
   I will take it one step further and ask parents how they are waking up and what energy they are bringing into their day. How we parents set up our mindset of the upcoming day impacts the entire family. Mindset and attitude is a choice and it is a contagious one!
   “Be the still water” in your families morning lives and watch the calm spread.
   Sending my best,
   Anne Jolles

   January 15th, 2008 at 2:59 pm
3. Vera Raposo says:
   

   May sound too simple but I just make sure their lunches are made the night before. It works.

   January 15th, 2008 at 3:03 pm
4. Bev says:
   

   I think suggestion # 4 is the only one that could
   be implemented in our household.
   there simply is no time in a busy morning as we prepare to get to school.
   My twins are 12 and pleasant voices in the morning would be a gift to us all!
   Bev

   January 15th, 2008 at 3:04 pm
5. Susan says:
   

   I really appreciate the part about focusing on the morning, so often I decide to be happy and a great mother for the whole day, and it’s too overwhelming, so that when I fail I kinda give up on the rest of the day. Thank you, Susan B.

   January 15th, 2008 at 3:04 pm
6. steven says:
   

   I heard an unbelievable story about a family that made up a rule: Parents would NOT, under any circumstances, yell at the children before school. 1 day, Dad took son to school, and yelled at him before they left to school, and on the way there as well. He dropped him off and drove to work - almost 1 hour away. He was almost at work, when he turned around on the highway, and came to his son’s school, found him and said, I am sorry -
   I broke the rule. son said thank you dad, I was feeling very down because you yelled at me. Now I feel better. Dad drove back to work feeling beeter that he had fixed things up, son felt better that Dad expended the effort to come all the way back just to apologize.

   January 15th, 2008 at 3:06 pm
7. Liz says:
   

   I agree, the morning sets the tone. I like to snuggle my kids and talk with them first thing in the morning (they are 7 and 4) and we read some bible and pray. That makes a HUGE difference on how our day goes, if it’s too rushed in the morning and don’t do those things - I definately notice a difference. The hour that I spend with them 1st thing in the morning is worth it!

   January 15th, 2008 at 3:06 pm
8. Cheri says:
   

   I had a terrible time controlling my yelling in the mornings at my 2 and 4 year old boys. My husband took on a second job at night that required him to sleep late in the mornings. This left it up to me to get them up, dressed, fed, teeth brushed, lunch boxes made, myself showered dressed,etc and get them to preschool and myself to work by 9:00. All this while they fought over every toy and whined for me to hold them, more juice, you name it. I finally took a day off work one day and organized my life. I stocked the fridge with easy breakfast and lunch choices and organized their dresser drawers and closets. I started showering at night instead of in the mornings and set their clothes and shoes out at night. What a difference those few things made. I now spend the first half hour of our morning sitting with them on the couch having juice and cuddling, watching Curious George. Then I have a routine which they have gotten very used to already. This has made all our lives so much less stressful and I get to enjoy my babies before heading off to our day.

   January 15th, 2008 at 3:07 pm
9. Sherri says:
   

   I had the same reaction about the pancakes in the morning as Jaylene did. We are lucky to have bagels or toast and juice in the morning and some morings it’s a breakfast bar as we are running out the door. But I have a six year old that is having trouble with direction and after telling him 2 or 3 times to brush his teeth and he is still playing with his little brother it does drive me a bit crazy. I try not to yell but sometimes I think that is the only way to get his attention. Most mornings are ok but some are a bit of a struggle. Don’t know how single mom’s do it.

   January 15th, 2008 at 3:09 pm
10. Em says:
    

    The more things you can do the night before, the smoother your mornings will be! Shower before bedtime. Make lunches before bedtime. Have everyone’s clothes (down to socks and underwear) ready; toothbrushes set out. I even put bowls, spoons and the ceral box out on the table before bedtime. Bookbags (including the folders and homework that belong there), shoes and coats are near to door and ready to go. Rushing makes the mornings stressful. The more you can do the night before, the less rushing you’ll do in the morning. Also, try to say something positive and uplifting to your children and spouse at the start of each day. Happy mornings all!

    January 15th, 2008 at 3:19 pm
11. Christy says:
    

    As a former elementary teacher and the parent of a 2 and 5 year old, I must agree that starting the morning positively does completely set the tone for the rest of the day! As a teacher, I can’t even begin to explain the difference in a child’s attitude depending on their morning at home. If you have already taken away everything that they have to look forward to for the rest of the day, then more times then not, they just don’t care about the rest of the day, including their school work. The attitude for the day is a negative one because life pretty much “sucks” as they see it. Mom and Dad are made at them, they have lost their priveledges, and are fighting with their siblings. I am by no means saying that kids shouldn’t have consequences…so don’t misunderstand.

    Thank you Ellen for reminding me how important that the morning tone sets for the rest of the day! As a parent I forget but remember from my days as a teacher.

    Point in case, I actually has a student one year that had a family that liked to scream and yell (as did the one that I grew up in) and this student could not focus on anything after those “rough” mornings. Finally, sereval months into school, I discovered that if he called his mom and apologized for his behavior and her remorse, he could then focus positively on the day. Up until that point, he was a MAJOR discipline problem but after we figured that he just had to resolve home issues to focus on school, we had a pretty darn good year for the whole class.

    January 15th, 2008 at 3:21 pm
12. Sherri says:
    

    Thanks Em. I am going to start making that a habit. It does seem like we are always rushing around looking for shoes or gloves or something along those lines. I am definately going to try that. Anything to make the mornings more pleasant and cheerful.

    January 15th, 2008 at 3:25 pm
13. Tim says:
    

    The only way pancakes are happening on a school day is if they are left over or frozen ones! It does make for a nicer start on a less hectic day. I agree with Sheri. I have a 6-year old son who often forgets that he is supposed to be getting dressed. We have two parents to get the kids going, but there are four of them going to 3 different schools, so it is a bit hard. We parents need to be ready too! The teenager throws a fit if she is “made late” by us having to tag team the younger ones. I try not to yell, but it is hard! I like the idea of consequences for the wrong behavior. I try to praise my 6-year old for the right steps in getting ready. That seems to help. I have to be ready myself so I can watch him though.

    January 15th, 2008 at 3:25 pm
14. Ellen C. Braun says:
    

    Pancakes in the morning- that would have to be on a weekend in my house, realistically!

    However some people are more ‘morning people’ and others who have the time could make it into a bonding experience.

    I often bake Dunkin Heins cakes with my boys- so I just thought- perhaps we could prepare pancake batter the night before one day!

    Cheri- kuddos for doing more the night before.

    I recently bought those hanging sweater shelves for closets. I fill each shelf with a complete day of clothing for my boys in the evenings, so they can just grab a pile and dress as soon as they wake up.

    Every little bit of calmness and organization counts:)

    January 15th, 2008 at 3:27 pm
15. Tina says:
    

    It can be very hard to get everything done in the morning and get started on your day when your child doesn’t want to cooperate. But, I have discovered that my son, who has ADHD among some other things, will have a horrible day at school on the days when I have little or no patience with him in the mornings. This morning, as we were getting ready for school and work, I noticed he had mud on his shoes from walking home yesterday. It may seem minor, but, when I have to spend an extra 5 minutes cleaning mud off shoes that he hid under the bed, it is very frustrating. Unfortunately, my reaction to this may have contributed to his trip to the office today. I try to be more pleasant in the mornings, because I know it can make his day easier. I think Ellen, your idea of stopping the yelling is a great idea, but, for those of us who work outside the home, making collages and big breakfasts while trying to get kids and yourself dressed and ready for the day, it isn’t very feasible. But, making more of a conscious effort to be calmer and more pleasant in the mornings is beneficial to all involved. My son has made major strides in his behavior over the last 2 months since we were able to modify his meds, but, a bad morning will generally cause a setback for him. I always feel bad after I pull off from the school when we have had a bad morning. I try to apologize and hug him and tell him I love him before he goes inside, but sometimes, he is still upset and it won’t matter.

    January 15th, 2008 at 3:27 pm
16. Giselle says:
    

    I had decided to do this at the beginning of the school year and it has most definitely worked! How? Instead of trying to eek out a little “me” time after my son goes to bed I go to bed at the same time as he does (8:00PM), read for about 10-15 minutes and wake up when my body wakes up - usually way earlier than I need but always at least a half hour before he’s up. If I get up really early I am able to browse my favorite websites, have an extra cuppa, etc. I get his lunch made and am dressed by the time he surfaces. I have forgone most of the TV I watched and only DVR my favorite two shows which sometimes I don’t even end up watching. It seems like I’m more balanced, am making better decisions (about spending, eating, etc.) and I am most definitely yelling less!

    January 15th, 2008 at 3:36 pm
17. Kim says:
    

    My girls are 18 months apart. During the young years they loved each other. Then came the pre-teens and teenage years where they wore each others clothes, make-up,etc. without permission of course! Every morning was a constant battle at the breakfast table because one would smack her food and the other would show hers… I started waking them with a bowl of cereal or oatmeal in their own bed in their own room. They were able to wake quietly and slowly by themselves until they were ready to face the day. Things were so much better. My friends thought I was spoiling my kids, but, it made things a lot more pleasant for all of us.

    January 15th, 2008 at 3:48 pm
18. Lisa says:
    

    My youngest (3rd grade) has always been an early riser - In the past she’d watch tv while waiting for the rest of us to get moving. This school year, I banned the TV in the morning. It, alone has made a huge difference because it is no longer a distraction. Add in making lunches the night before and making sure backpacks are ready to go…the morning actually moves like clockwork!

    January 15th, 2008 at 3:49 pm
19. Dawn says:
    

    Boy could I relate to what Sherri said, I have a 7 year old boy and nine times out of ten I have to tell him to do something 2 or 3 times before he does it. I give him about an hour in the morning to eat, dress, brush his teeth and get out the door for the school bus. Some mornings are better than others and I do try not to yell because I do agree that is sets the tone for the rest of the day but boy does it take discipline. I usually try to remain calm and prode him to get things done in a pleasant manner. I do find that having his clothes laid out and making his lunch the night before says alot of time. I have always done whatever I could the night before even when I wasn’t working from home. It does eliminate some stress and so does not allowing him to watch TV in the morning.

    January 15th, 2008 at 3:59 pm
20. Em says:
    

    One other thing…I’ve made a deal with my kids: no tv in the morning UNTIL breakfast is eaten, they are fully dressed and washed up and teeth are brushed. They can have their free time only when these things are all done. Works like a charm (usually).

    January 15th, 2008 at 4:04 pm
21. Billie says:
    

    We used to have a yelling morning at least twice a week at our house. There was disrespect, anger, sassing, and grouching. It was unbearable. As the mom, I wanted to run away from home. Until I read how one mom always woke up her children each morning simply because “she wanted the first sound they heard of the day to be the voice of someone who loved them.”

    So I got myself up 5 minutes early and instead of letting the alarm wake my 6 year old, I went in and snuggled beside her in her bed. She woke up happy, the sassing ended immediately, and much to my hectic surprise, it has become the best part of my day.

    As the mom of a nearly 7 year old and a three year old, I seldom get individual time with either child. This allows me to have 5 - 10 minutes of quiet, uninterrupted time with my daughter, in a very special way.

    I saw the difference immediately, and we have continued this for nearly 3 months, now. I have to say, just a little bit of good morning time has ended my yelling mornings.

    (Of course, I only have 2 children to deal with…kudos to all the moms who are have more than 2.)

    January 15th, 2008 at 4:09 pm
22. Billie says:
    

    This is in response to Sherri;

    You said your 6 year old was having trouble following direction, even after telling him twice or three times. We also went through that with our 6 year old.

    One day, after spending some time with my daughter at school, I realized how her teacher got her to do what she wanted when she wanted. She said her direction (to a class room of 16 6 year olds,) and then had them repeat the direction back to her. She explained it so simply to me: If you tell a child what to do, they simply don’t hear you. But if you have them tell you what they are going to do next, they get it the first time. It revolutionized our life.

    I think every parent should get a degree in early elementary child hood development. Sometimes I just go and observe the school for tips and techniques!

    Good luck.

    January 15th, 2008 at 4:13 pm
23. CessM says:
    

    I agree 100% that starting the day right sets the tone not only for our kids, but for us as well. However, making the blueberry pancake is quite a stretch. My daughter’s school starts at 7:45a (my work starts at 7:30a) so we both have to wake up quite early. I usually wake up first (5:45a) and get myself ready before my daughter gets up at 6:15a. This way, if she has some issues while getting ready, I wouldn’t be rushing myself. In my opinion, what you make for breakfast is really not that important (as long as it’s something we both get some nutrition). My daugher usualy has a bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios, Chocolate soy milk, and 1/2 an apple. Sometimes she makes Eggo then have her Chocolate soy milk. We very rarely cook breakfast during the week. There’s just no time. My daugher has similar routine as outlined by Em. We have a 10 commandments on “Starting the Day Right”, and one of them is to get everything that we need ready the night before. As long as we follow the commandments, we would have time to sit down and have a cup of tea (well choco soy milk for her) and talk about what we are looking forward to that day. That’s important for her, so she makes sure she doesn’t break them.

    January 15th, 2008 at 4:22 pm
24. Janette Paul says:
    

    I have created a check-list that my kids do every evening and again the morning before school. It’s been working great this year and helping my husband and I out as we both work. The list in the evening has items such as show us your school info., do homework, study, pack a snack/lunch for the next day, pack books, hat, gloves, etc. Also, we have one for Library books in instrument days. In the a.m., the list includes taking vitamins, brushing teeth, combing hair, deodorant, making bed, and others. You can add to this as we have but also don’t make it too long or it looks overwhelming.

    January 15th, 2008 at 4:41 pm
25. Sherri says:
    

    Thanks Bille. I do like that idea of having him repeat it to me, I think I might even share it with my sons kindergarten teacher, as she has said she has the same problem with him at times. I do think some of it is his age and with come with maturity. I also like the idea of no TV until you are ready that someone (I think Dawn and maybe others) mentioned. I have been thinking about that one for a while cause it does seem to be a distraction for him. I have some great ideas to help me get started on better mornings.

    January 15th, 2008 at 4:49 pm
26. Carole says:
    

    Organization is key. I’m not a morning person, and neither is my daughter. Go figure! We both need our quiet time to wake up and be ready to face the day.

    We do shower the night before. That helps a lot. I would get up earlier and be basically ready and have the animals fed before I got her up. She did watch TV, but she knew that when this show is over, you have to be done eating and go get dressed. While she’s getting dressed, I would make lunch. I like things to be as fresh as possible. Freak, I know…

    But I always made a conscious effort to make mornings go as smoothly and calmly as possible. Especially when I was still working in the corporate world and we had to get up so early and get her off to before school care. UGH! And then after school care. Long day for a little kid. I had to be really organized to keep our lives running smoothly.

    One of my co-workers called me organizationally disciplined, since time efficiency carried over into work too - And that’s how CommonSenseLiving.com was born!

    It’s really just a matter of planning. Most of you seem to have a pretty good grip on it with good tips like backpacks ready, clothes laid out, getting up a few minutes earlier, and so on. It’s usually the parent’s stress that causes the chaos. You just have to allow enough time. Even so - blueberry pancakes and collages in the morning wouldn’t fly at our house either.

    January 15th, 2008 at 6:02 pm
27. Francie says:
    

    The calm voices rule is a good one. I’m going to hang that on my fridge. For me, mornings are the hardest rather than the dinner hour. I sat down and tried to come up with 100 ideas for breakfast, including some freezable ones, so that I can write that off my list. My blog is about my efforts to PLAN ahead and reduce some of the family stress so I can really enjoy my kids and they can see me calm and loving.

    Francie

    January 15th, 2008 at 6:04 pm
28. Michelle says:
    

    HUMOR. You can’t begin a morning or stop a fight without it! I am a morning person and I have been priveledged with my children, ages 9 & 5, challenging that mood to the very limit. After putting up with the whining and the arguing, etc. One day I put my bra on over my shirt and my underwear over my jeans - I stuck a bunch of hair bows in my hair and walked into the room to tell them it was time to go. My 5 yr old was laughing so hard she fell over and my 9 year old was horrified. Then she said the magic word - I dare you! So I had to follow thru. Thank goodness a cop never pulled me over. I stopped at my friends house to change on the way to school becuase my 9 year old had decided I was seriously going to take them in the clothes I was wearing. (WHEW!). Needless to say, the goofing off and pranks have become a ritual in the mornings. One morning I woke them up wearing a witch costume and scared the bazoobers out of them. They repaid the favor ten fold with a glass of ice water. But they love to get up and see what fun stuff will be happening. Can’t say much for making lunches and breakfast - but we do laugh and argue less.

    January 15th, 2008 at 6:59 pm
29. Kathy says:
    

    I think only one person has mentioned us moms getting to be at a reasonable hour each night. You know the old adage: “If momma isn’t happy, then no one is happy!” Also, whether you’re a morning person or not, you have to get up early enough to allow for a less-than-frantic race through the morning routine. SOMETHING usually goes wrong and you need some wiggle time to deal with it. (If not, you get some extra time to chat in the morning.) And if you’re lucky enough to have a husband still at home while trying to get the kids out the door, make him get going earlier so he can help with the chaos. When my son is balking or basically not listening, my husband has often gone in to expedite the dressing process. Really, I think my son just likes a little bit of extra attention and then he’s happy to comply. My husband takes the older two kids to school (thank you!) so my youngest child and I usually go out to wave good-bye and wish everyone a wonderful day. I shout encouragements (and reminders) as they’re pulling out of the driveway. I think it really does help.

    January 15th, 2008 at 9:01 pm
30. Margott says:
    

    I am a retired teacher. I worked my up the ranks, starting out as a yard supervisor, or yard duty. I always reflected on those years as I taught. Some children come to school already broken down. Some arrive in fine spirits but have their egos crushed before the morning bell rings. Some children arrive at school feeling happy and energetic and continue to feel that way throughout the day. And the teacher treats them all in the same manner, expects the same reactions. If a child’s heart has already been broken, (s)he may not care too much about the morning drill.
    At least, if possible, let them leave home still intact.

    January 15th, 2008 at 9:08 pm
31. kim says:
    

    Can school start later???

    January 15th, 2008 at 9:10 pm
32. Dawn says:
    

    Excellent concept - thank you for reminding me. We have a New Year’s committment to reduce the amount of hollering in general in the house. With a 13 yr old daughter and an 11 yr old son, that isn’t so easy. Jessica gets up before her brother, so I have a prayer of peace and quiet if she can eat and retreat to her room before he comes downstairs. I do love so much to get them while they are still sleepy - and get a hug and a kiss from them. Reminds me of when they were younger, more innocent, less mouthy

    One thing that has bonded us together is the puppy - we have a chi-poo that joined our family in August. Howdy (his name) is always a happy camper and he is just so exhuberant in the morning to see all of us and lick our faces and jump in our laps. Common family happiness - the real way to start a morning!

    January 15th, 2008 at 9:53 pm
33. Seth says:
    

    HUMOR - is also “officially” a method for helping Selective Mute children (they talk alot at home, but not at all in school.

    January 15th, 2008 at 10:45 pm
34. Kathleen says:
    

    If I am tired, I am cranky. I am more of a night owl but I have to be disciplined and go to bed early enough so that I can be pleasant in the morning.

    We also have been putting our 4 year-old to bed at 6:30 instead of 7:30 since coming back from a trip to another time zone. It means she naturally gets up aroun 5:30 instead of 6:30, but my husband gets some before-work snuggle time and we have more time until we have to leave for preschool at 8:30. If you are feeling rushed in the morning, give yourself more time!

    We often eat pre-hardboiled eggs for breakfast (my daughter loves the egg slicer) or we microwave eggs in a shallow bowl for 2 minutes with some shredded cheese and a little chopped ham, stir it then microwave it again until it’s set. It’s quick and hot and full of protein, which my family really seems to need for a good day.

    As for school starting later — countless studies have shown that kids would function better if school started later, but I hear that schools can’t start later and still have time for after school sports practices, etc. So we are choosing to compromise our kids’ learning and health for the sake of after school activities. I love the idea of pursuing extra-curricular interests through after-school activities, but it makes me wonder if our priorities are wrong.

    January 15th, 2008 at 10:52 pm
35. Joanie says:
    

    I agree with Kathleen. I have been a teacher for 28 years and so many of the children (like me) could use just one hour of sleep or get ready time. Unfortunately, many school starting times are based on school bus schedules, sport schedules, parent work schedules, etc. I have heard of elementary schools that start at 9:00…and elementary schools that start at 8! I pray for the day that we change school routines because we want the best for our children not because it is the easiest or the most cost effective.

    January 15th, 2008 at 11:35 pm
36. Denise says:
    

    Me and my son make breakfast every Monday morning together and it is great. He is young still but we talk and help each other and it makes our day start off with a smile. We always seem to make pancakes and sausage but we both like it!

    January 16th, 2008 at 12:40 am
37. Brenda says:
    

    Lots of great ideas and feedback to this article. Thanks to everyone. I know from experience with my six (youngest now 15, eldest 29), that the fact that some individuals are “morning people” and some are not needs to also be taken into account. Some of my teenagers especially did not want to interact before say 9, so we set up situations that would require as little of that as we could. Like they learned early to set their own alarm clocks so that my voice wasn’t the first irritating thing they heard each day, and I didn’t have the frustration of harassing them awake. It only took a few experiences of not having the time they needed before embarking for the day to help them get in the groove with that. Also, we try not to get into intense issues in the a.m. As mentioned already, covering them the night before whenever possible is one way to avoid confrontations early in the day. I am seeing positive results with my one remaining son at home now from our pleasant mornings, and I am glad for this reinforcement. I’m one of those single moms. Thanks again to all who commented and for this forum.

    January 16th, 2008 at 9:53 am
38. Kristi says:
    

    I COMPLETELY agree with Kathy; BED EARLIER. Mornings where I am up early after 8 hours of sleep and have time to exercise, shower, drink coffee and read a chapter of the Bible are SO much better!!! Time management helps also, making goals and allowing fun time if everyone cooperates. Thanks for this Ellen, yelling in the morning is NO FUN!

    Kristi

    January 16th, 2008 at 10:55 am
39. Fay says:
    

    I am not a morning person at all. So for us me making a big breakfast or doing an art project with the kids in the early morning just isn’t going to happen.

    However I understand how just one bad moment first thing in the morning can impact your entire day. So I am useing what I can from all of the advice on here.

    Prepare lunches the night before
    Put clothes the night before
    Check to make sure all shoes, hats, gloves, coats, backpacks, and homework is where they belong and in useable order the night before
    No raising of my voice
    No arguing with the children
    If we have time whip up a smoothie for breakfast

    Thank you all for all the advice!

    January 16th, 2008 at 11:44 am
40. Judy says:
    

    I agree with comment #10, but also wanted to add that it is very helpful for me to get up at least one hour before my kids, have my coffe, read and prepare breakfast for them. I have 4 kids and I work full time. My 3 kids are teenagers and one is 10 years old. I have been doing this for a long time and it really decreases the stress in the house. The more organized one is and the less the stress

    January 16th, 2008 at 11:46 am
41. A says:
    

    To all those who are complaining that the ideas in the article are unreasonable, I would have previously thought so too, but it is how much of a priority you make those things that determines how possible they are. No doubt we are all busy in the a.m. I have 3 children 5,8,11 and a full time job, actually two jobs. My husband owns his own business and is out the door before the kids even wake. It would be tempting to say that I don’t have time to make pancakes, spend time with my kids, and focus on not yelling, but in reality, it is up to me to MAKE time. I would love to not have to get up early - I am NOT a morning person. But if getting up an hour early means I can be showered and dressed before the kids get up, have a start on lunches, and take some time to catch my breath, then I WILL have the time to cuddle, be PATIENT, and yes, even make pancakes. So it doesn’t work every morning for me, I have a nasty habit of sleeping in but on the mornings that I do make the effort, the difference is AMAZING! It can be done

    January 16th, 2008 at 12:36 pm
42. annie says:
    

    It’s so nice to read this — and see other parents also struggle with short tempers and rushed atmospheres in the a.m. sometimes I feel like such an ogre! but i do notice the difference in my kids — when i yell my eldest sets out to school forlorn and moody. he’s TYPICALLY forlorn and moody, lol, but i don’t want to be the cause! so, i too, will take the “yell only after school” vow, adn give it a go. Thanks for the suggestion! anne

    January 16th, 2008 at 2:23 pm
43. Jenna says:
    

    Why do we yell in the morning? Because someone is dawdling or has lost something and we think we’re going to be late. However, I find that yelling makes everything WORSE, and a big argument or scolding definitely puts us off track to be on time. So aside from setting a bad tone to the day, it is also prevents us from doing the No. 1 thing we need to do in the morning: Get out of the house on time. I just take a deep breath and exercise some (quiet) patience or some humor. Also, if a child is sleepy and mom is all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed and trying to engage the child in conversation, ask what they want to eat before they can even think about food, etc., that is just irritating. I have a teenager who is not a morning person at all. I try to talk to him as little as possible in the morning!

    January 16th, 2008 at 4:59 pm
44. Don says:
    

    Okay, maybe not realistic to expect the morning to be “help Daddy in the kitchen” time. I am too tired then, and certainly have more patience for that when we cook diiner together. Here is the one thing I haven’t heard anyone say. Why is it EVER okay to yell. If you have to yell over your children, then you have lost control. And it only teaches them to yell. My twins are 3 1/2 years old, and i’m a stay-at-home Dad. We have good and bad days, ups and downs, but mostly much laughter. One thing they have never heard is me YELLING. I don’t think there is ever an excuse….morning or afternoon.

    January 16th, 2008 at 5:11 pm
45. Sheri says:
    

    I have started something similar. My 9 year old daughter has a very hard time waking up. I find that if I get her up and have her get a shower, she has a better morning and a better day. I have just added, getting her own breakfast and making sure she has everything in her book bag. We make breakfast together on the weekends. She pretends she is the waitress, takes our orders and prepares everthing with my supervision. She’s getting very good a flipping eggs.

    January 16th, 2008 at 6:18 pm
46. karen says:
    

    I like what Billie says about snuggling in the morning,so your child wakes up to the voice of someone who loves them. It just takes a few minuets of our time to make our kids feeled loved and secure in who they are. I think some of us may be missing the point, it isnt pancakes in the morning it’s giving your child/or children (we have 5) your time. Telling them “hey, you are special, and I love you no matter what”

    January 16th, 2008 at 11:24 pm
47. gcmomto3 says:
    

    When my oldest ds attended public school (we home school now), he preferred to get up an half-hour early, so he could “wake-up” while getting to watch t.v. However, as he has gotten older, it has become necessary to institute the rule - “you must be completely ready, before you can have electronics”, as many others have already stated.

    We too, had our ds repeat our instruction back to us. Then, I read/was told another wonderful “hint” that works well for us, especially for Asperger’s Syndrome or ADD/ADHD kids - hold their hand while telling them the instruction & having them repeat it back to you. I know that seems easy/simple, trust me, taking the “minute” to stop, walk down the hall, hold his hands, list the instructions, & have him repeat it back to you - takes a lot of “will power” over just ‘yelling the instructions’ to him. But it really does make a big difference - hope it will for you to.

    Also, these kiddos, cannot remember long lists of instructions. Start small (age dependent, of course) - 3 is a good starting point for school age.

    I would also encourage parent’s of kid’s with these types of issues to look into brain integration therapy, if they are elementary school & older, whether or not they are “labeled”. It can help “train” your child’s brain to be able to follow a list of instructions, among other things. I highly recommend www.diannecraft.org - she works with elementary children & worked in public schools for years.

    January 17th, 2008 at 2:10 am
48. rae says:
    

    tks for all the tips, i wish i had more time to read stuff like this!as a single mom of only one, age 5, i barely have the right to ‘lose it’!…but occasionally, since my daughter’s started kindergarten, i admit i’ve crossed over to the dark side a few mornings! my question is: is it ok to give her/us a break once in awhile and not make her go to school? i can hear all the gasps and scolding already, but there it is, i’m guilty of depriving my child of perfect attendance. elementary school these days isn’t quite what i remember,(and i’m not that old:), but it seems that our little ones are under alotta stress, and i’m sorry but my job is to protect my daughter’s spirit and well-being not to please the institution. i do feel for the teachers and understand the problems it can create if a child is continually absent etc but i’m not a mom layin in bed too lazy to get it together! i work, and i’m involved and attentive with her and her school, but i also recognize when it gets to be too much and she needs a day with mom at the beach makin fairy forts out of driftwood instead! so when i got a note home stating absences and asking for documentation of reasons, i felt all sorts of reactions welling up inside! please somebody tell me ur experience with this! am i committing a crime keeping her home once in awhile? should i be homeschooling? am i taking it too personally?!

    January 17th, 2008 at 4:19 am
49. Joyce says:
    

    For those of you who said we should get to bed eariler - KUDOS! You are exactly right! I recently read a fantastic article on sleep, and have started implementing many of the suggestions in the article. I cannot begin to tell you what an incredible difference it has made in our lives! I had no idea of the role the liver plays in sleeping! Or why it is that we get our “second wind”. This article explained it all. I would love to share the article with everyone (I’ve been handing out copies to all my friends) but I’m not sure how to do it. Joyce

    January 17th, 2008 at 9:54 am
50. rebecca says:
    

    I know a hot breakfast every morning is virtually impossible for most families, but I have tried to at least one morning a week make a hot breakfast. Usually this is on a Sunday or Saturday morning.

    And getting to bed earlier is something we’ve been trying to institute for the whole family. It’s harder for me since I have a one month old, but since I am a stay at home mom I make sure everyone who needs to be is out the door (nephew–6 years old, sister, and husband), then make sure the 3 year olds have breakfast. Usually by then my one month old daughter falls back asleep and I have me time, either catching a short nap or reading.

    We are working on not yelling at the kids. This is hard when dealing with a bossy, self-spoiled 3 year old girl (she picked up the baby and started carrying her around when I wasn’t looking!). But I know discipline is possible without yelling. Thanks everyone on your comments.

    January 17th, 2008 at 6:08 pm
51. Beth Ann says:
    

    WOW!! I am so relieved to see that my children aren’t little freaks! Sometimes I think it’s only my kids who love then hate so much, forget that they were just getting dressed, etc. I am a single mama, so everything is done by me and yelling was starting to become just part of ‘who mom is’. When did that happen?? I was horrified when I finally realized how I look to my babies (2, 6 & . Who wants a mom that yells?
    Quiet, calm voices are starting to reign again for most of the day now. And it’s only by God’s grace. But do what you can ahead of time. It’s better to anticipate a problem than react to one.

    January 17th, 2008 at 8:53 pm
52. Jennie says:
    

    Too often in my house the morning was a whirlwind of loud voices, 2nd or 3rd requests to get ready, etc. I now know the problem is not with my kids, who are very normal (although ADHD :0)) 7 and 8 y/o boys but with the fact that I push myself until 1am to get “household” stuff done before bed. For the last year I’ve tried to push myself to go to bed an hour earlier and get up an hour earlier and it’s REALLY helped. I also make sure that I have absolutely everything ready the night before and do as much planning on the weekends as possible. I do ALL the laundry on the weekends, make up menu’s for dinner and breakfast, grocery shop, clean etc so I know that everything is ready and very available for the rest of the week. That way, when I get home from work in the evening I don’t have to do anything other then make dinner, do dishes, bathe the kids, help with homework and then have a little family time to unwind. The kids go to bed at 8 and I have time alone with my husband before bed. It makes for a much calmer, easier morning with no yelling and happy kids running up to school. Also, the 8pm bedtime for the boys makes it easier for them to wake up on their own in the morning without mean old mom waking them up yelling at them to hurry up!

    Also, this is to Rae. I definitely think it’s OK to keep your daughter home for a vacation day but only if it’s in moderation. If the school is sending letters home it sounds like it’s been more then a few times. In my opinion, by sending kids to school daily it gives them the opportunity to respect a commitment and also helps them better deal with the daily routine and stress later in life. Even in kindergarten the kids are learning so much every day that even one day missed could make them fall behind. It’s not breaking their spirit by sending them to school…it’s preparing them for the dedication to a job and life in general even when things get tough. I let my kids miss school on their birthdays every year for something special if they choose to (usually they want to go to school though for the class party). Otherwise, their constant breaks are staggered pretty consistently through the year which allows us to have our special family outings. And actually, in some areas it is considered a crime to not send your child to school except of course for illness…it’s called truancy. Be careful!

    January 19th, 2008 at 3:40 pm
53. Chaya says:
    

    Jaylene and a few other parents have mentioned using consenquences and taking away privileges to get kids to listen.
    While these are important for children to learn the effects of their actions, I’ve found that giving many incentives works a whole lot better in getting kids to listen. It also makes them want to do what they’re told to instead of resenting what they’re doing (since they’re only doing it out of fear of the punishment).

    January 26th, 2008 at 5:10 pm
54. Racheal says:
    

    HELP!! My son sucks his thumb, he’s 8-years-old and it is driving me crazy! Besides the disgusting sound and the fact that it is going to cause him to need braces is the fact that he talks with it in his mouth.. and does everything else with it in his mouth too! The worst part of all is that if he can’t do it with his thumb in his mouth.. he just doesn’t do it!! ! Please help me I can’t take it any more. I’ve tried bribes I’ve tried letting it go and ignoring it, I’ve tried nasty finger nail pain, I’ve tried subtle reminders and not subtle ones! Please I need some advice. How did I get him to stop?

    January 31st, 2008 at 8:43 am
55. Yosef says:
    

    In the book, “You Can’t MAKE ME! but I can be persuaded” it discusses finding incentives…
    in the extreme, it would mean asking “What do I have to give you to make you do what I want? (or not do…)”

    Like, a small prize for every day of no thumb,
    and a big prize after a week of no thumb.
    And don’t cave in too early for “good behavior.”

    (Try to read about using incentives rather than
    punishment).

    (How about a game that requires 2 hands?!

    http://sm.pachai.net

    January 31st, 2008 at 10:41 am
56. Chaya says:
    

    To Racheal:

    I sucked my thumb until I was 12. Nothing my mother tried to do would help. Eventually, when I was ready, I stopped. And no, I did not need braces because of it, even though almost everyone told me I would.

    I suggest you just give your son a lot of time and love. Find out what’s the CAUSE of this. Maybe he feels insecure, unloved and is reverting back to nursing?? Just a thought.

    February 3rd, 2008 at 3:36 pm
57. g says:
    

    I agree pancakes in the morning would be Terrific, One question is Aunt Jamima coming to make them?
    I have made it a habit to lay out clothes at night, have my 7 yr old make her lunch and we have a routine I say clothes and she names every piece she has laid out. Then says Check. I say lunch she says check, I say back pack she says check, then off to shower at 8 bed by 9! Its up to her if she gets TV time after her bath. And NO TV in the morning! I get up get her up NO talking to her! Bring her her olvatine and leave the room! I get ready, feed horses, load the Jeep and come back and brush my teeth (1 way to sneek to see if her toothbrush has been used and see if she is ready)!
    I have learned the Fish Face! When she sees that she says Sorry Mommy!
    See you can teach an old dog new tricks!

    April 14th, 2008 at 9:03 pm
58. Camille says:
    

    My suggestion for happy mornings is to go to Flylady.net and follow her instructions! If you have a good morning routine — if your before-bedtime routine got your clothes laid out, stuff placed by the front door (or in the car) for the morning commute … if you get up 15 minutes before your family and get yourself organized … if you declutter your home … all her basic ideas — then your mornings will be much sweeter.

    Also, I like the idea of breakfast. It’s worth getting up a half hour earlier to have a real meal. With kids who are running hither and yon in the evenings to lessons adn practice and friends’ homes, etc., it’s hard to have dinner together. Even a couple of family breakfasts a week can make a big difference. The dining table (breakfast table, breakfast bar, etc.) is a place to connect with your kids.

    You don’t have to make blueberry pancakes or whatever. You can eat cornflakes and bananas, or string cheese and bagels and peanutbutter and OJ … doeson’t matter. What does mattter is the slowing down, reconnecting, and taking a moment to celebrate your family-ness.

    April 19th, 2008 at 12:29 pm
59. Camille says:
    

    Oh, yeah — lemme share what I did about two screaming hormonal daughters in the mornings. I became Atilla the Mom. Scream about the curling iron? It goes into time out and you don’t get to use it. Scream about who gets into the bathroom first? Go to school w/o a shower today (it won’t kill them!). Scream about anything else, and you lose that privilege or item for awhile. B*tch and wine about breakfast? Don’t eat it!

    Before you tell me that CPS will get you if you don’t let your child bathe or eat, let me tell you that you’re wrong. You are obliged to give them basics of survival. Curling irons, “goodies,” cute clothes, etc. are PRIVILEGES, not rights. Sometimes we just plain spoil our kids and turn them into overprivileged divas who are hard to live with and make others’ lives easier. If a child cannot show respect to herself, to me and to others, then she does not deserve privileges.

    I ended up removing my eldest daughter’s bedroom door when she slammed it one time too many. Privacy is a privilege.

    They shaped up — or maybe they outgrew it — but life calmed down at my house. The Love & Logic program helped me learn to set natural consequences to their actions, and enforce them without yelling myself. I highly recommend it.

    April 19th, 2008 at 12:36 pm
60. VICKIE MILAD says:
    

    i have been reading many of these wonderful pointers for parents to do at home in the morning for everyone to have a better day. i do everything possible the night before, which helps out soooo… much. one of the most important things i do with my children in the morning before they go to school is prayer for a hedge of protection around all of us and i believe the yelling in the morning is real bad for the rest of the day. keep the peace in your home, it is not always easy but find out what works for you. i like the sweater shelf idea that seems like it would be a big help. i’m glad i read all these wonderful ideas and i do recommend two books; “the strong willed child” and “dare to discpline.” hope they help you as they have me.

    May 2nd, 2008 at 12:45 pm

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